It's Snarkurday!

Oh Robert Pattinson … go home, really.

It seems that RPatz, that Sparkly Vampire from the Twilight films, gave an interview to Elle France to push his new film BlahBlahBlah Who Cares — not the real title — and when they asked him what the worst thing people could say about him he replied:

“It’s going to make you laugh, but as a Brit, to hear someone say I’m American is the worst insult! I am English! Let it be known once and for all!”

Wow. That’s it? I could think of many more awful things to say about him, like …

“You dated Kristen Stewart?”

“You were in five Twilight films?”

“Like Water for Elephants?”

“Is that hair on your head or a dead cat?”

Seriously.

Speaking of stupid … Chris Brown.

He was supposed to perform at the Georgia Freight Depot nightclub were many of his fans—yeah, I’ll leave it at plural though I wonder … – but he refused to go on because, wait for it, there were gay guys at the event.

Oh, and it was an event scheduled and promoted as part of Atlanta Pride, so, um, yeah, back to speaking of stupid … Chris Brown.

Desperate for an Oscar — well, at least last year — Jennifer Aniston actually makes more money as a commercial spokesperson for things like Living Proof hair products, Aveeno and SmartWater. So, while she is in Atlanta, and presumably fine with the gay men there, filming Garry Marshall’s Mother’s Day it was revealed that she had brought so much SmartWater with her that she required a separate car just for her water.

Yes, Jennifer Aniston has a driver just for her drinks. I guess that while she knew Atlanta had a lot of gays she didn’t think they’d have any SmartWater?

Oh, but since she shills it, she gets it for free, so hence the need to have a SmartWater SmartCar and driver.

It’s week one of the nineteenth and last [?] season of The View and the first episode sparked controversy with the hosts already.

Candace Cameron Bure was announced this summer as the mew Biblical, conservative commentator of the show, but on the very first episode she wasn’t even introduced until the third segment of the show … or even listed in the opening credits.

Was it because the first hot Topic was jailed bigot and Kentucky clerk Kim Davis and producers didn’t want any fireworks right off the bat? Well, a show representative says:

“We had her on for ‘segment three’ because she’s not going to be on [regularly] for a couple of weeks. We want to build consistency to let viewers know who would be on for tomorrow.”

Uh huh, and it had nothing to do with the time this summer when Bure got in a heated debate over same-sex marriage with co-host Raven-Symoné until Raven effectively shut her down.

Yeah, so they might be keeping her muzzled for a bit.

Oh poor Joe Simpson. In the old days everyone knew he was Jessica Simpson’s dad, and the father of that other one, too, but since he left his wife because he really likes The Mens better, he’s been having a rough ride.

Like this past week when he pulled the Don’t You Know Who I Am card while trying to get into the rooftop pool at the Gansevoort Park Avenue with two male friends.

Joe, apparently dressed a little like Justin Bieber, with  one pant leg rolled up and multiple necklaces, and his “buddies” were denied entry by two security guards, and so Joe started begging, and then name-dropping.

“But I’m Jessica Simpson’s father!”

And then, oh yes he did, he took out his iPhone and began scrolling through his Instagram to prove he was Daddy Simpson!

He was eventually allowed in though he tells a different story:

“The guy at the door wanted me to wait for the head guy ... I said I just want to go have a drink. I told him Jess was my daughter. I showed him my passport.”

Uh huh, funny how Joe didn’t mention his two dates.

I guess that Friends reunion may never happen now … or if it does, they may have to cast Fred Savage in the David Schwimmer role.

See, like the Matt’s — Perry and LeBlanc — Schwimmer was also skipped from the invitations list for Jennifer Aniston’s wedding to My Future Husband, Justin Theroux, and he is not happy about it.

A source reveals that, while ding with Matt Leblanc in Beverly Hills — and the source cannot be Kim Richards since I think she’s been banned from The BH — Schwimmer  didn’t hold back on the topic of Aniston’s wedding.

Someone nearby overheard them talking about how they weren’t invited and said David was really angry. He was heard to say he couldn’t believe he’d been snubbed, because he was an important person in Jen’s life for 10 years and thought he’d be the first one invited. He then said he was going to plan a Friends reunion party, and Jen’s invite might just get lost in the mail!

Ow. Big time actress doesn’t get invited to has-been’s party? Ow.

Um, Schwimmer, to quote a line from Friends, maybe Jen thinks you two “were on a break!”

Beyoncé rarely gives interviews where she speaks because, well, either she thinks she’s too important to speak or she’s about as bright as a box of rocks.

Hmm, wonder which side I fall on with this issue. I kid, she’s probably dumb. I mean, she does lots of photo shoots for magazines and posts a lot of stuff to Instagram, but Beyoncé don’t talk, y’all.

But she is still appearing on magazine covers, like this week’s In Touch which is trotting out the d-i-v-o-r-c-e word again and that’s why she’s not talking. In Touch says Bey is tired of Jay’s cheating and tired of performing “Drunk in Love” with him, and in fact, they did not perform together at the Made In America concert last weekend, and they did not attend the VMAs this year.

So, she won’t talk so she won’t have to answer that question, and friends — okay, maybe not friends, but people with blogs … who you lookin’ at — say she’s already told friends and family that she’s moving forward with her life and will soon make a public announcement.

Uh huh. Look, she might not be the brightest bulb in the box, but she knows that Bey and Jay make far more coin than Bey alone.

Remember when Diddy was arrested for ALLEGEDLY assaulting the UCLA football coach who sent Diddy’s son home from practice for his habitual tardiness?

Well, Diddy didn’t like that so he headed to the school and tried to bitch out the coach, who refused to back down until Diddy threatened to hit him with a kettlebell, and now it appears that he will face no charges in the attempted assault even though it has been proven that it occurred.

Apparently Diddy will simply be asked to watch his temper and maybe take an anger management class.

Wow, it must be nice to have money so you can buy yourself out of an assault charge, especially when you’ve already been arrested once for felony aggravated assault and making terrorist threats.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Newly divorced Papa Joe Simpson, father to celebrated weightwatcher Jessica, and celebrated lip-syncer Ashlee, spent his 56th birthday on Miami's South Beach with handsome, decade’s younger, male model Jonathan Keith.

Joe, whose actual birthday was February 18, played amateur photographer, snapping picture after picture of the 21-year-old shirtless Keith lying in the sand, or emerging dripping wet from the surf. Then the pair reclined side-by-side in the sun while Papa Joe, a former minister, was snapped smoking an unknown substance from a vaporizer-type device.

Simpson was quick to shoot down speculation that he and the much-younger model were romantically involved:

 More mis-information in the news. The guy in the pics is my modeling Client. He was in Miami taking agency meetings. That's it!!"

Okay, so your client is in town for meetings, but he spends the day sunbathing with you and posing provocatively on the sand? I thought photographers took the pictures and agents took the meetings?

Methinks Joe doth protest too much, or maybe he’s just embarrassed at having a boy toy young enough to be his son.

Just sayin’.

So, Miley Cyrus has taken her Bangerz on tour; and by Bangerz I mean her new music, not her tongue or her breasts which she loves to expose at the drop of a paycheck.

Miley spent her time onstage twerking in a thong, singing some, playing a Monica Lewinsky type while giving a stage blow job to a Bill Clinton type — how au currant, riding a hot dog, simulating masturbation, wearing a Pot Print leotard and generally begging for attention.

And now parents are in an uproar because their prepubescent teens, whom the parents bought the tickets for, and who drive the kids to the shows, are crying foul. Many are demanding their money back because they never expected Miley — known more lately for rubbing a foam finger on Robin Thicke’s crotch and simulating anal sex onstage — to be so vulgar.

Uh huh.

Last week we talked Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe and her penchant for plastic surgery, so now let’s talk about her ass. See, it appears quite fair to say that Kimmy K got butt implants — I mean, just look at that picture up there — because she has an entirely new, and Toyota-sized posterior. But Kimmy K ain't happy y'all are talking about her booty and she's asking people to stop suggesting she had fillers injected into her buttocks because it’s just not true.

:::head snap foot stomp call to Kanye:::

Here’s the Kash Kow Twitter rant:

“I’m seeing all these nonsense tabloids claiming I have butt implants-injections. Get a life! Using pics of me 15lbs skinnier (before I had my baby) comparing to me now! I still have weight to lose. Anyone who has had a baby knows how hard it is to lose weight (especially the last bit of weight) and your body totally changes! Making fun of me pregnant and making fun of me trying to lose weight now shame on you. I’m not perfect but I will never conform to your skinny standards sorry! Not me. And BTW I’ve lost a lot so far and I’m proud of that! Don’t give young girls a complex!”

Two things to note:

A] the pictures are from 2005 and 2010, before she had a baby, so stop with the "baby weight" theory that you carried in your ass or something, and ...

2] Kim says anyone who claims she had injections is just wrong, but she doesn’t say a word about those hard bits of plastic, or little silicon chicken breast things going sluuuuurp into her ass.

It would be nice if she’s just own it. I mean, she has to lug it around everywhere, right?

Poor baby.

Chris Brown is being sued by the guy who claims the serial abuser berated him with the words, "I ain't down with that gay s***" and then beat him, broke his nose and ordered his bodyguard to join the fray. This is the same incident for which Brown is currently being prosecuted for misdemeanor assault.

Parker Adams claims in his $3 million lawsuit that he was outside the W Hotel in D.C. last October when Brown went nuts on him.  Now, as abusers do, Brown denies any wrongdoing and is now claiming that Adams was the aggressor who tried to force his way onto Chrissy’s tour bus.

We’ll have to see if this plays out in court, where Adams is suing both Brown and Christopher Hollosy — the bodyguard — for $1 million from each, and another $500K each for punitive damages.

I imagine Chrissy will go all Kanye and settle out of court.

And speaking of Kanye … It now appears that there is trouble in the House of Kardastrophe because Kanye wants to take control of Kim’s “career” — that alone makes me laugh till I cry — away from That Woman and run it into the ground all by himself.

A source close to the Kardastrophes — and it’s probably Bruce, between manicures, hair plugs and surgeries — says:

“Kanye is now totally in charge of Kim’s career and his non-stop wheeling and dealing is leaving Kris out of control. Kanye has managed to get Kim to cut her magazine and media appearances by a shocking level and that’s going directly against Kris’ plan to seize every publicity opportunity offered to her daughters. Kanye has [also] ordered Kim to run out the clock on several of her fashion endorsement projects, including the lucrative deal with Sears which she shares with her sisters. His goal is to get people to respect Kim and take her seriously."

I’ll stop there because, again, laughing. Seriously. Kim K?

And although That Woman was seen praising Kanye, and semi-joking, “He’s mine now!”on a recent episode of their craptastic show, rumor sys she and Kanye barely speak off-camera.

Well, of course, if he runs her career, how is That Woman gonna pay for her decades younger boyfriends, and all those trips to the plastic surgeon? I mean, it’s not as if any of her other children are making the pay.

Janet Jackson is said to be in desperate need of a divorce from her third husband — of just a couple of years — Wissam Al Mana. Once happily wed, now it seems as if Janet has no Control and she is not at all happy about it.

Still, it’s been said that she’ll happily divorce and move on, as long as the check has a bunch’a zeroes on it, but Wissam ain’t playing.

A source — and it has to be LaToya because what else has she got going on — says Janet is telling everyone she’s miserable because her billionaire husband doesn’t want her to work, and now she is setting up a defense team to challenge the prenup so she can walk away with major coin.

Rather than, just say, walk away since you're worth some $200 million yourself..

So, last week we talked that Heidi Klum was dating one of Demi Moore’s little boy cast-offs — and then we found out that maybe Heidi and Seal are reuniting — but this week, it’s all about 51-year-old Demi ALLEGEDLY cheating on her 30-year-old drummer boyfriend with 23-year-old actor Alex Pettyfer.

A source — probably Rumer, Scout and Tallulah since they love to dish about their Mama   — says Demi sashayed into a recent Hollywood party in a bizarre white romper ensemble — the better to seduce young lads, eh? — and managed to steal the limelight from all the twenty-something’s in the house. After exchanging air kisses with the party host, Demi spotted Pettyfer across the room and walked as fast as her aging hips would carry her over to him.

 “It was like they were long lost lovers,” the three "eyewitnesses" says. “Alex actually picked Demi up off the ground and swung her around, and then he kept both arms wrapped around her waist as they caught up.”

Caught up, because I imagine that Pettyfer went to school with one of Demi’s children and used to come by Casa Kutcher-Moore to do homework and Demi marked him as her new conquest in case of Ashton hot-tub-schtupping some random blond.

And remember, this is the same Alex Pettyfer who is said to have a “Thank You” tattoo right above his junk in case he forgets to mention it. So, say Thank You, Demi, as you leave the cash on the nightstand.

Do you remember when Aussie actor Sam Worthington was supposed to be the next big thing? He was in Avatar and he was everywhere and people said he was the Second Coming of Clooney. Or something.

Well, after Avatar, Sam made Clash of The Titans, which did well enough, but the sequel, Wrath of the Titans, bombed like no one’s business. Now he mostly makes news for being a drunken fool in public, or, in this case, getting arrested for punching a photographer in the face.

First, let’s backtrack: last November Sam was arrested for disorderly conduct after he pushed a doorman for refusing him entrance to an Atlanta club; the doorman said Sam was too drunk to be allowed in, but Sam shrieked at the guy that he was a DEA agent, even though what he meant was that he was an actor playing a DEA agent.

And now, a mere three months later, he’s been arrested for assault.

Worthington was charged with assault after he punched a paparazzo who had ALLEGEDLY and accidentally kicked his wife, Lara Bingle, outside a Greenwich Village bar. Sam was released on bail but will appear in court at a later date.

From Avatar to mugshot in two easy steps.

Sidenote: a newly released videotape shows that it was Laura Bingle who assaulted the camerman first, and then Sam joined in on the beating.

We all remember Justin Bieber‘s drag racing, DUI fun night, right?

Well, because the Miami PD basically effed up the investigation the Florida State Attorney wants to offer Biebs a plea deal which would essentially drop all the other charges in exchange for That Little Boy abstaining from Sizzurp and weed.

Except Justin don’t wanna do that!

Here are the conditions of the deal: all charges dropped if Justin pleads no contest to reckless driving, complete 40 hours of community service, attends an alcohol education course, attends a “victim impact panel” to listen to the stories of DUI victims, and install an ignition interlock device for 3 months.

But here’s the rub: prosecutors also want Bieber to submit to random drug testing, and not just in Florida.  He’ll have to submit his travel plans to the court and authorities will set up random testing wherever he happens to be, at his expense, and testing will last between 6 and 9 months.

Well, that snapped That Little Boy’s hide and he foot stomped and head snapped and pissed himself because he will never accept drug testing of any kind at any place anywhere ever. He has a problem with weed and the Sizzurp — think Lohan and her probation misdeeds over the last seven years — but mainly they say he won’t accept the deal because if he screws up, and you know he will, it frees up a judge to throw the book at him.

Literally. A judge will find a large, heavy book and throw it at him; maybe that’ll teach him a lesson.

UPDATE: the prosecutors in Miami say if Bieber doesn't take all of the deal, including the random drug testing, they will take the case to court where that judge is said to be practicing the Law Book Toss.

Oh Katy Perry, if you’re gonna model on the runway you need to act like a model and not a spoiled self-indulgent diva who thinks all that matters in the world is you.

It seems Katy was in Italy last week for Milan Fashion Week, and was asked to walk the runway for her friend Jeremy Scott’s new collection. The problem is Miss Thang showed up nearly n hour late — and holding up a show for any reason screws up all the shows that follow — and so the audience essentially booed her off the stage.

But Katy wasn’t having it and stood at the end of the runway, posing, arms on her hips, and shouting at the crowd, “You’re all gonna get your picture, so shut the fuck up!”

I think it best if Katy STFU.

After months of Robin Thicke singing song after song about his schlong, and after months of Robin Thicke groping the ass of any woman who asked to have her picture taken with him, and after months of Robin Thicke being photographed in clubs making out with random women, and after nine years of marriage, his wife Paula Patton has kicked his ass to the curb:

“We will always love each other and be best friends, however, we have mutually decided to separate at this time.”

Sad? Not so much. When you’re married to a man who sings odes to his dick and treats women like sexual toys, the marriage is long over.

Say g’night Robin. You’re basically done, but your wife has a long career ahead of her. Maybe someday, in the not too distant future, she’ll let you make her a Café Latte at the Starbucks where you’ll be working.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

What is a cracktress to do when her representative, probably sick and tired of covering her drinking, drugging, driving, thieving, ass up and quits.

Well, we’ll have to see what Lindsay Lohan says because the man who tried to cover for her, from way back before her first stint at rehab, Steve Honig, done quit!

And it turns out it was all over tension with Lindsay’s dad.

Michael Lohan butted heads with Steve in the weeks leading up to his original Recipe™ intervention, but things got heated over the weekend, when Steve released a statement saying Lindsay’s management team had nothing to do with Michael’s plans.

Michael flipped out because, well, that’s what he does, and called Honig a “f**king liar” in a text message which made Steve pissy and he threw in the towel.

A towel ALLEGEDLY stolen from the Chateau Marmont, I’m guessing.

Honig, though, now says us he didn’t quit purely over Daddy Blohan, adding, “Michael wishes he were that important.”

Now what’s Lindsay gonna do the next time she runs someone over, or gets kicked out a hotel, or arrested?

Call her mommy and daddy?

That’s crazy talk.

More Blohan dramz.

Rumor has it that OR™ is, ahem, “careening toward financial ruin” by making stupid business decisions and recklessly stashing her money in unsafe places, like Mama Dina’s pocketbook.

Lindsay’s daddy, Michael, says Lindsay flew out to L.A.—right after the LimoGate brawl with her mama, DinaDrunka—in order to attend a launch event for a drink called Mr. Pink. Michael claims Lindsay was paid $150,000 for the event, in cash, and then she gave the money to her brother Michael Jr. to hold in his bank account for safe keeping. Daddy Michael is worried that Dina has access to that account, and a liquor store bill in the amount of 150K that is long overdue.

Lindsay’s lawyer, Dave Feldman, is outraged, outraged I tell ya, for not looping him and her business manager in to the Mr. Pink transaction in order to provide her more financial protection. In text messages to Daddy Lohan, Feldman calls Lindsay stupid—so harsh—for not including her management team on the Mr. Pink deal because—Dave says—they could have gotten her even more money for the job.

And more money for Dave, of course. And Michael and Dina.

Enablers all.

Imagine for a moment that you are Tom Cruise.

What do you do when your third wife publicly dumps you? Do you pick yourself up, put your lifts back in your shoes and keep trucking? Do you file a millions of dollars lawsuit against anyone who calls you, um, ALLEGEDLY gay or ALLEGEDLY  a bad Daddy?

Or, do you ALLEGEDLY  head out to be to nightclubs and maybe check your son Connor’s latest DJ gig like you at London hotspot Chinawhite? Perhaps hoping that your son can hook his fifty-year-old daddy up with the future ex-Missus Movie Star.

ALLEGEDLY.

According to Star magazine—that bastion of professional journalism—Tommy has been seen in nightclubs everywhere his son DJs, cozying up with some of Connor’s club buddies; he was even seen “flirting” with busty Playboy twins Carla and Melissa Howe, who were also recently photographed with, in-need-of-a-Silkwood-scrubdown, Russell Brand.

An insider—and it might ALLEGELY be Suri because she has only one parent now …. ALLEEGDLY—says,  “Tom is looking for a beautiful brunette between the ages of 23 and 30. You would think he’d have the confidence to land any woman he set his sights on, but any man’s game would be a little rusty after five years of marriage.”

So he tags along with Connor and flirts with Playboy “models”.

Midlife crisis?

Or mid “wife” crisis.

ALLEGEDLY.

Speaking of Playboy, Kelsey Grammer was on daddy duty over the weekend, so instead of hiring a babysitter or having a nanny, he and the missus—that gal about town, former flight attendant and gold-digger, Kayte—went to the Playboy mansion Halloween party and brought their three month old daughter in a bassinet with them.

I guess you’re never too young to have your Daddy take you to a Playboy party, and sources say Baby Faith was safely tucked into a bassinet right beside Kelsey as he whooped it up with fellow Upstanding Citizen Paris Hilton, who, may or may not, had cocaine in her cooch, because that’s how she rolls.

A Playboy Playmate Tweeted: “Why the fk does Kelsey Grammer have a newborn baby at the Mansion party!?!?!?”

Well, a Kelsey spokes-tool answered that question: “I am not sure why this is a story. People have taken their infant children out with them since the beginning of time. They didn’t stay long, and left before it got too noisy.”

My mom took me out when I was a wee newborn. Maybe to the store, or a doctor’s visit, but not to a Halloween Party at the Playboy Mansion.

She waited until I could walk up to the bar and order her a drink before she did that.

That’s parenting.

But, not to be outdone by his spokes-tool, Kelsey popped up to defend himself: “Kayte is breast-feeding and we do not have a nanny or a trusted babysitter at this time, so Faith goes everywhere with us. We enjoyed the party with a few of our friends, the baby slept as her ears were covered the entire time and we left shortly after midnight.”

Kayte went as a bitch, oops, typo, witch, while Kelsey went as Dracula and Baby Faith went as a Baby in need of Child Protective Services.

Oh dear.

Once a porn star always a porn star.

Kim Kash Kow Kardashian, who rose to fame on her knees in a porn video she tried to stop from being released, and then finagled a deal worth millions when it was released, may have a new sex tape being issues.

And this time, Porn Kim, with the Blow Job Lips and the Booty For Days, is said to be pocketing $30 million.

Her parents must be so proud; one, rolling over in his grave, and the other, taking her 10% as Kow’s manager and pimp.

This new tape is actually an old tape—heretofore unseen—where Kash Kow and her pimp, Ray J, do the nasty, and the nastier.

 “It’s definitely Kim in the video,” a source—and you know it’s Kris—said. “And it’s even raunchier than her last one. There are all kinds of eye-popping moments.”

Who cares if you can make a million off of it?

That’s all Kash Kow wants. Money.Moneny.Fame.Money.

Okay, I loathe Taylor Swift.

I loathe her music. I loathe her aw shucks, who me, she ain’t fooling anyone attitude. I loathe the way she serial dates—and you know she serial schtups—all kinds of celebrities, or famous rich kids, so she can break up with them write a catchy ditty and pocket a mint.

I mean, isn’t that her career path?

But now it seems that Taylor Swift and her latest “beau”, boy Conor Kennedy, have split, and it seems Conor did the dumping. Even after Taylor spent millions on The House Next Door. Conor was ALLEGEDLY freaked-out by Swift’s “OMG. I.Love.You.” schtick and called it quits.

But, not to be outdone, because she has scads of break-up songs to write and sell, Taylor claims that she did the breaking-up, though, really, does a stalker ever truly bend the relationship without having to go to jail?

Just sayin’.

So, Jessica Simpson’s daddy is a homo.

Who knew?

I did. Joe Simpson had the Gay written all over him, and you could tell he got his girls into showbiz because then he could wear flashy glows, tan all die, and keep himself blond and Botoxed without too many people getting any wiser.

And now it seems as if the fifty-something, married former-preacher, was having an affair with a 21-year-old hustler. Joe’s wife, Tina, found about hustler, Bryce Chandler Hill—and maybe some other nubile boys—after finding “modeling shots” of Bryce around the house. She noticed that some of the photos were taken inside her own home.

Ick.

A source—and it’s probably Ashlee, lip-synching the gossip—says, “Joe got busted after Tina found some modeling pictures of Bryce in her home. They were taken in and around the house and she was suspicious because she didn’t have a clue who the boy was. Joe and Tina …. Had a make or break vacation booked in Hawaii, so she didn’t ask Joe any questions at that point. However, when they returned to Los Angeles Joe bizarrely got on a plane to New York, just six hours after they had landed in California. She thought it was suspicious [and] sent Joe a text message asking if he had anything to tell her. She quizzed him about Bryce but he denied knowing the kid …. She flew to New York to make an unannounced visit to Joe. When she got there, she called him down to the lobby and they thrashed it out. It was there and then that Joe confessed he was having a gay affair with Bryce, who had left the hotel just days earlier, and Tina demanded a divorce.”

And she may get half his money, though not any of the ALLEGED $1.5 million he spent wining and dining and, well, you know, Bryce.

Again.

Ick.