I Ain't One To Gossip, But ...

Tis the season for holiday giving and our BFF here at I Should Be Laughing, my most favoritest gal pal, Gwyneth Paltrow has some dazzling gift ideas for you and yours!

Ready? Let’s go …

Howsabout a BDSM Restraining Arts Kit? The kit includes leather restraints and a “leather bound paddle” perfect for spanking your partner’s ass, and it can be yours for the special holiday price of $1,350.00. Ouch, indeed.

Now, if that ass spanking hurts your partner more than you intended, get he, or she, their very own supply of Bamboo Toilet Paper for $35 a package. Wipe your ass in style … green style!

But what happens if that ass paddling leaves your hindquarters on fire? Well, Gwynnie also offers a $250 hand-forged Copper Fire Extinguisher to ease the pain.

And when everyone feels better, help yourselves to a cup of coffee with GOOPs special coffee make that sells for just $495.

Don’t drink coffee, you say, well then get in line for $80 Smokey Quartz Crystal-Infused Water Bottle. Water takes so much better when you drink it from an eighty-dollar bottle, you know.

But be careful; sometimes life gets busy and you forget to drink water, so Paltrow is also offering a Hydration Reminder for just $30 that attaches to your $80 water bottle and blinks “when your sipping has slipped.”

Order now, operators are standing by. And God bless us everyone, and God bless Gwyneth Paltrow for knowing exactly what you need this Christmas.

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Nicolas Cage used to be big—the man won an Oscar, fer chrissakes—but lately, well, he’s known more for bad choices, on screen and off—like his three second marriage last summer.

Now, however, he may have his most daring role ever! You see, Nicholas Cage is hoping to star in a new film, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, playing none other than … Nicholas Cage.

Oh, but he is; if the deals close, Nicholas Cage would star as actor Nicolas Cage, who is desperate to get a role in a new Quentin Tarantino movie while also dealing with a strained relationship with his teenage daughter and having long chats with a 1990s version of himself who berates him for making too many crappy movies and for not being a star anymore.

Fingers crossed that Cage nails that audition.

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It’s murder when your mama is disappointed in you, but when your mama is the frickin’ Queen of England—and, no, I don’t mean Elton—it’s got to be especially embarrassing.

In the wake of his “friendship” with Jeffrey Epstein, who ran an underage sex trafficking ring to supply underage girls to the 1%, Prince Andrew will no longer perform any of his royal duties because his mother, The Queen, pushed him out, with a last kick and shove from his older brother Prince Charles.

Andrew’s dismissal comes just days after an interview with the BBC about his buddy Epstein. Andrew thought he killed it, but the rest of the world WTF’d so loudly The Queen had no choice but to give him the boot.

Andrew will still be invited to stand on the palace balcony during major Royal Family events, and he will still be able to call himself Prince Andrew—though I believe the title Randy Prince Andy has been retired—and will still receive money from The Queen’s private funds. But he will no longer be entitled to his annual £249,000 Sovereign Grant, because that money goes towards official royal expenses and he has none.

All he has left is a mama who is so very disappointed. And embarrassed.

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Could it be? Say it isn’t so! Are Miley Cyrus and Cody Simpson finished?

You remember that Miley was married to Liam Hemsworth, and then they split. In a series of Tweets, she asked for time to heal but in a nanosecond after the Tweet hit the web, Miley had hooked up with Kaitlynn Carter and declared herself to be off dick.

And yet again, while those Tweets were still spanking new, Miley had tossed Kaitlynn aside for Cody Simpson, claiming he was just the kind of dick she needed … in a series of Tweets.

And here we are again. Miley and Cody are ALLEGEDLY over because these two media whores have suddenly stopped posting their every move on social media.

I hear she’s already moved on, though, to a giant bong and a case of Doritos.

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I may have to end this weekly feature because, as of this moment, I’ve heard every-f%king-thing …

This week I learned that about 25 years ago Julia Roberts, just breaking big as America’s sweetheart, was one Hollywood executive’s first choice to play …

… Wait for it …

… It’s epic …

… You won’t believe your ears …

… I’m still stunned …

slavery abolitionist, and black woman, Harriet Tubman.

Seriously. Screenwriter Gregory Allen Howard, who has been working on the film for 25 years, said that a “then-president” of some sublabel of a studio told him how good the script was, but suggested Roberts be the one to play Harriet. And … AND … when the lone person of color in the room told this buffoon that Harriet Tubman was a black woman, this man replied:

“That was so long ago. No one will know that.”

Yup. Put Julia Roberts in it and she’ll make everyone forget that the “Underground Railroad woman” was black.

Again … seriously.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I’d say this is shocking but … why lie.

Apparently, Nicholas cage’s wife of four days, Erika Koike, is going after his coins. After 96 hours of marriage, Koike has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and now needs his money to maintain it. And even though Cage has filed for an annulment she is seeking spousal support.

Cage has been married three times before—Alice Kim, Lisa Marie Presley, Patricia Arquette—and had been dating Erika for one year when he decided the fourth time would be The One until, four days in, he decided it wasn’t and asked for an annulment. But Erika wasn’t going to let all her hard work of dating Cage for a year and being his wife for four days go to waste, so she speed-dialed her lawyer to sue for coins.

And then it gets more cluttered … Cage says in his annulment documents that he “reacted on impulse and without the ability to recognize or understand the full impact of his actions” –even though it was his fourth time at the altar—and claimed that Erika was shady and the marriage was based on “fraud”. Erika then countered Cage’s claims saying he reached out to her 12 days after he filed for an annulment because he wanted to start again “in the right way” and thus their relationship could not be a fraud, except … now Erika wants out, as long as she gets coins.

Look, the only thing I know about this is that Cage is a moron, and Koike is clearly a gold-digger! They sound perfect for each other.

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Oh Oprah, go make a sandwich.

Once again Winfrey is trying to pass herself off as ‘one of the people’—even though she is a multi-billionaire—by complaining about the price of avocados. But, unlike ‘one of us’ who would simply stop making guacamole, bloated Oprah opted to buy an avocado orchard instead.

Yes, avocadoes are expensive so I’m buying an orchard. She thinks that’s the solution to overpriced produce.

Seriously. Perhaps she should eat some fish, or drink some coffee, or have blueberries, or turmeric, or broccoli, or pumpkin seeds, all considered brain food before she goes off the rails about buying an avocado orchard.

One of the people her fat ass.

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Guard your umbrellas, Crazy Britney Spears may be back.

Now, here’s the tea …in January, Brit Brit announced that she was dropping her latest Las Vegas residency Domination before it even started because her father, and conservator, Jamie suffered a ruptured colon and she wanted to care for him. Then … ALLEGEDLY … Jamie Spears’ condition worsened, and the stress was so bad that Brit voluntarily checked herself into a 30-day mental health program. 

BUT, now some folks say that Britney is being held against her will in that mental institution and that Jamie put her there in January after she stopped taking her meds. Jamie, at first, threatened to pull Domination and use his sickness as the excuse, and then, when Brit continued skipping her dosages, he cancelled the show. A few days later, the paparazzi snapped her driving—something she is not allowed to do—so Jamie had her committed.

Naturally, as happened when celebrities go off the rails, there are conflicting stories. While Britney is in a mental health facility she is not being held against her will. Apparently everything ALLEGEDLY went south because Brit got a new team of lawyers and doctors to help her and her meds situation was a mess; add to that, people are saying Jamie began giving Brit more and more freedom and they were worried she “could’ve died” so Daddy Spears decided to put her in treatment, and use his illness as an excuse.

No one knows when Brit will get out, but, while she is not being held against her will, Britney did not really want to go to rehab … 

... and now Amy Winehouse is playing in my head.

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A few months back, “actress” Tara Reid sued the producers of Sharknado because they used her likeness in other promotional ventures. She was asking $100 million in damages for profiting off her image. But now, quietly Reid has dropped the suit.

Reid claimed the producers behind Sharknado, Asylum Entertainment and SYFY Media Productions used her likeness for different ventures, including a Sharknado slot machine, and that $100 million would be the sum she needed to recover from the trauma. But then last week, without warning, Reid filed court papers saying she’s dropping all claims and will dismiss her entire lawsuit.

I guess she was a’scurred that a judge would look her in the face and laugh out loud at the notion that she thought her likeness was worth $100 million.

More like a roll of pennies.

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Best parents ever, Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli, pleaded not guilty to using $500,000 to ALLEGEDLY bribe their moderately intelligent daughters’ way into USC but now may change their pleas so that prosecutors won’t come after their totally innocent girls.

Totally innocent. Lori and Mossimo will do anything they can to keep their daughters safe from, ahem, “malicious prosecution” even though we now know that Lori and Mossimo’s plan was to paint their younger daughter as a crew coxswain for the L.A. Marina Club team, and that they provided an “action shot” of the girl on the ‘erg’—or rowing machine.

Trouble is, the daughter posed on the machine and we’re to believe that she had no idea why her parents took her to the yacht club, put her in a uniform, and asked her to pose on a piece of equipment?

Not today Satan. This all means that dim-bulb Olivia Jade either fully knew about this plan, or she took a picture for her parents on a random rowing machine one day because … Instagram?

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Well, Nicholas Cage, never a man of good, sound judgement—check out his IMDb page for proof—apparently married his girlfriend of, well, either one year or three years, depending on whom you ask. See, Cage and Erika Koike, the long-term, short-term girlfriend, made it official by getting married at the Bellagio in Las Vegas last weekend, but not without some drama … before and after.

According to multiple eyewitnesses, Cage and Erika’s journey to the altar started out rough with Nic, drunk and belligerent, screaming that Erika’s boyfriend … wait, what … was a drug dealer and insisting that he “wasn’t going to do it” while waiting inside the Clark County Marriage License Bureau.

But they persisted. Cage was filmed slowly walking behind his girlfriend-fiancé-wife, hands on his hips, muttering to himself.  A bystander says the couple filled out the marriage application in one of the machines—Hey, it’s Vegas baby—and the entire time Cage was yelling:

“She is going to take all my money.”

“Her ex is a druggy, her ex is a druggy.”

The future Mrs. Cage was also muttering:

“Baby I am not asking you to do this.”

And because they were loud and obnoxious, the couple was given a private room to finish their paperwork before leaving the courthouse as husband and wife! So ... congratulations to the couple, who’ve been together one or three years, except …

Four days later Nicholas Cage filed for an annulment because he wants to be 2019s Britney Spears. In his papers Cage says he was, ahem, “too drunk” to get married:

“[Erika] suggested to [Cage] that they should marry, [Cage] reacted on impulse and without the ability to recognize or understand the full impact of his actions.”

He didn’t understand? This was his fourth marriage! It should have been as easy as putting on your shoes. But then there’s the part of the papers where Cage claims his wife-not-wife is a fraud, who did not him know “the full nature and extent of her relationship with another person” and that she also has a criminal history she didn’t tell him about. Cage also says that the two have “such conflict in personalities and dispositions that are so deep as to render the two incompatible in marriage.”

And yet a few beers in and he’s racing to a Vegas courthouse?

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Last week we talked about how thirsty Mel B told Piers Morgan that she and former bandmate Ginger Spice, AKA Geri Halliwell, had hooked up and gone down there.

Well, this week, Ginger/Geri is not having it and she sent out a statement that the whole lesbian romp Mel B drooled about was a lie.

And now folks are spilling more tea; if fact, though I really know this for a fact because it’s about the Spice Girls and I’ve never heard a Spice Girls song, rumor has it that Mel and Geri had more than a hookup back in the day, and actually lived together in what was ALLEGEDLY a full-on year-long lesbian relationship.

And when that story resurfaced, suddenly Mel B was a’scurred for telling the tale and tried to quash it—though I kinda doubt that because Mel B is all about getting her name in the press—but it was too late. And now, cut to a pissed off Geri:

“It has been very disappointing to read about all these rumors again, especially on Mother’s Day of all days. Geri loves the Spice Girls: Emma, Melanie, Melanie and Victoria [Beckham]. She would like [the fans] to know that what has been reported recently is simply not true and has been very hurtful to her family. Moving forward, Geri can’t wait to see the girls and all the fans on the tour, have an amazing time with everyone, and make some new memories.”

Isn’t it nice how she tries to quash the rumor while still promoting the upcoming tour?

Sounds like Mel B and Geri cooked this whole thing up to earn a bit more free press for their lack of careers.

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I love a good real housewives spat and it doesn’t more real, and perhaps less housewife, than a spat between the former Real Housewives of DC, Nancy Reagan and Barbara Bush.

Apparently the late former First Ladies were anything but friends and never really hid their distaste for one another but, from beyond the grave, as it were, it looks like Barbara Bush may be getting in the last dig.

A new book is out about Mrs. Bush and it reveals why she thought Nancy hated her so much – including the time Nancy kicked her off the guest list to a dinner with Princess Diana! Yup, Susan Page’s new biography, The Matriarch, goes into detail about how Nancy made a point of making sure George H.W. Bush and Barbara were NOT allowed to that fancy-ass 1985 dinner for Princess Di and Prince Charles where John Travolta twirled her around the White House ballroom. And apparently Barbara Bush told Page, before her death:

“She hated us. I don’t know why, but she really hated us.”

The Charles and Diana dinner was a hot ticket in DC and protocol suggested that the Vice President and Second Lady be there, but Nancy personally took both their names off two separate guest lists before eventually moving them to a “suggested additions” list where they would get an invitation if, say, I couldn’t attend.

Yes, they were that far down the list. So far down that it was obvious Nancy hated them, and so far down that people tried to step in and get Nancy to pony up an invitation. Even deputy White House chief of staff Michael Deaver cautioned Nancy against excluding the Bush’s from the dinner, saying it would be a breach of protocol and she shrilled:

“Just watch me.”

Like a true housewife.

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Apparently, R&B singer August Alsina has released a new song about an affair he had with a woman and lotsa folks are guessing who she might be.

Well, here’s the tea … it’s Jada Pinkett Smith … ALLEGEDLY. For years the rumor mill has said that Jada’s marriage to Will Smith is open and swinging and anything goes. And now August released a cover of singer Kehlani‘s song, “Nunya,” where he talks about a former sidepiece who is missing out on all the hot stuff he has to offer, saying:

“Putting on a show

‘Cause you don’t want the world to know

That you lost a man who loved you all along

I gave you time to make me a priority

Put my feelings out there

You ignored it

Ain’t nunya business to know who I’m with."

Sure, that could be any woman, but the accompanying video features a text conversation with someone named Koren, and when one connects the dots one finds that Jada’s middle name is, yup, Koren. And, in the video August sends a GIF of Jada Pinkett Smith to the person in the text chat. And, August was on Jada’s Facebook talk show Red Table Talk where he talked about struggling with addiction and how the Smith family helped him during his struggles.

Do the math, Koren. Gif. Chat show. Help.

All equals affair … ALLEGEDLY.

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Gosh, right on the heels of trying to get yet another reboot of 90210 off the ground, only to have Luke Perry up and die, come new troubles for “actress” Tori Spelling.

Tori has been having trouble paying her bills for a long time now, and has been sued by a number of institutions like American Express and the Council for Bad Actresses Still trying to Sell Themselves to TV, and now it’s City National Bank coming after her. Spelling owed City National a shiz ton of money for years, and was supposed to have it paid off but, surprise, she has not.

But she didn’t, and now the California court system has issued a bench warrant for her arrest for not showing up to court. Tori was due in court on March 29 but didn’t show up and hasn’t finished paying off a $400,000 she and husband, serial adultery Dean McDermott took out in 2016. In 2017 the court sided with City Bank because the couple failed to reach a deadline of responding to the bank’s allegations and there was a default judgment against the couple of deadbeats.

And for most of us, having a court tell you to pay your debts would be enough for you to start sharing some coins, but not Tori and Dean. Instead of showing up to court she was in Tel Aviv to work with TV friend/co-star/has been Jennie Garth promote a children’s clothing line.

Now, Tori owes more than $260,000 to City Bank, which is a lot more than the almost $190,000 she owed before and that lead to the bench warrant and a new court date of May 1st.

Tori’s bail—if she can buy a ticker home—is set at $5,000. Hopefully she won’t try to take a loan out to pay it.

Hey, maybe she can reboot 90210?

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It's Snarkurday!

Oh, it’s a Kardastrophe! Khloe Kardastrophe, that is. Her brilliantly awful talk show, Kocktails with Khloe has been Kanceled.  I know, Surprise! Not.

And, ALLEGEDLY, the show was canceled because it was Khloe Khaos up in there. While it ALLEGEDLY had been a ratings bonanza for the FYI network — not to be confused with the FML network — because it had more viewers than the test pattern it replaced, it was all such a hot mess that the plug was finally pulled.

But the biggest hot mess was Khloe herself who was used to being on a hit show and being kinda the boss, but suddenly finding that she wasn’t all that and a bag of chips.

Let me break it down like this: the Kardastrophes are big on E! because E! puts them everywhere and caters to their every whim, but when you take a Kardastrophe, That Woman or Khloe, and put them where they have no E! publicity machine, they tank because, wait for it, no one really cares.

It’s like a bad sequel to Back to the Future, Part Has-been: Nicolas Cage and Vince Neil apparently got into a brawl outside the Aria Hotel in Las Vegas last week.

The fight started inside the hotel after a woman came up to Nicolas and Vince and asked Nicolas for an autograph. Then ALLEGEDLY, Vince Neil, apparently pissed the women didn’t know who he was, walked up behind the woman, yanked her hair and pulled her to the ground.

And so Nicolas Cage went all superhero on Neil’s ass, and the fight was taken outside where Cage tried to get Neil into a car … and that was all caught on tape.

Police were called and Vince Neil was cited for battery, but was not arrested. Odd, since he’s currently the subject of a criminal investigation for other Vegas brawls.

But it’s the video that’s kinda funny — Google it and you’ll see — because Nicolas Cage appears to be angling for another Oscar as his emotions run the gamut from screaming and shrieking at Vince Neil, to holding him close and whispering in his ear.

But maybe it’s just Nicolas Cage being insane … again.

So, we’ve heard about 50 Cent’s legal issues: he owes millions in damages for being a dick, and then tried to claim that he has no money, all the while posting pictures to social media of himself standing in front of piles of cash.

Well, Fiddy was in bankruptcy court again and the judge in the case was not amused at his lack of interest in the case.

Judge Ann Nevins wasn’t playing when she said she didn’t want to see anymore Instagram pictures of 50 Cent’s wads of cash pics. See, the last time Fiddy was in bankruptcy court to discuss those pictures, he took another picture of himself with thousands of dollars stuffed into his pants while he was eating M&Ms.

Cuz that’s what asshats do in bankruptcy court.

So when Judge Nevins saw that picture she took away Fiddy’s phone. Wow, how will Fiddy be able to mock the judicial system now that his iPhone is in contempt of court?

So Blac Chyna and Rob Kardastrophe are engaged. How’s that gonna play out? Um, on TV ALLEGEDLY and soon, too, because Blac’n’Rob don’t want to draw it out.

Blac’n’Rob are hoping to negotiate some kind of TV deal which would show the wedding planning and the actual wedding — just like Kim’s nanosecond marriage to Kris Humphries — and That Woman, who doesn’t much care for Blac and thinks the engagement is all media hype, is now trying to negotiate the deal so she can get a few coins out of it, too.

No word on whether or not she’ll negotiate the Divorce Court episode where Blac’n’Rob untie their mess of a union about 72 days after tying the knot.

And while we’re on Kardastrophe’s and those who are Kardastrophe-adjacent, did y’all hear this week when Kendall Jenner announced that she started the trend of wearing wigs and that no one else wore them until she did?

Marie Antoinette was last seen crawling from her crypt to bitch slap that child, and starting an army with RuPaul, Dolly Parton, Raquel Welch, George Washington, Patti LaBelle, Little Richard, King Louis XIV, Cher, and me, at age thirteen, wearing one of my Mom’s wigs on  Halloween.

Kendall, honey, sit down. For a long time please.

Now, due to a court order, newspapers in England and Wales can’t print any of the gritty details of this story, but thankfully we are not England and Wales …

Apparently David Furnish, the husband of Elton John — the subject of a sexual harassment lawsuit — has been named in a sex scandal across the pond.

English papers are calling the couple “AB” and “CD” while reporting the tale of a “well-known figure”, AKA David Furnish, who had a threesome with another couple more than four years ago.

The National Enquirer — and remember they broke the John Edwards cheater story — says “Elton John betrayed by cheating husband” though they also say John says he knew about the relationship. According to the Enquirer, Furnish had unprotected sex with a man at least twice—an allegation John’s lawyers deny—and that Furnish joined the man and his husband in a threesome that involved cavorting in a kiddie pool filled with olive oil.

Seriously … olive oil and kiddie pools. And since they have been banned from telling the tale, The Sun newspaper was left to simply publishing a picture of a small plastic pool and a glass jar of olive oil.

Just sayin’.

Last we heard from Megan Fox she was divorcing her husband Brian Austin Green after several years of marriage and two children.

Or, is it three children? See, Megan Fox is pregnant again — showing off a baby bump to promote the no-one-asked-for-this sequel to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — and the baby daddy is  none other than her soon-to-be ex.

It seems that while separating and planning to divorce, Brian and Megan shared a house and a bed and the desire to have unprotected sex and now they’ll go on with the divorce and the baby.

Only in Hollywood.

It’s not exactly shaping up to be a great week for Kardastrophes, and those who are Kardastrophe-adjacent.

Khloe’s show got the boot, and then she took out an ad, or just flapped her lips, that she’s done, again, with Lamar Odom. Kanye Kardastrophe also trotted out yet another excuse for his stealing the limelight from Taylor Swift—something he did almost twenty years ago … or at least it feels like it.

And now Tyga, the baby daddy to his girlfriend’s brother’s soon-to-be stepchild, might have to say goodbye to another one of his leased luxury cars. According to documents Tyga owes a whole lot of money to Choice Motor Credit and hasn’t made a single payment on his 2013 Lamborghini Aventador.

But this isn’t Tyga’s first run in with creditors who want their coins. Earlier this year, Choice Motor Credit repossessed Tyga’s 2014 Bentley Mulsanne — because he still owed $91,000 for that car — and last Summer it was revealed that Tyga owed two different landlords a combined total of $150,000 in unpaid rent. 

And now the repo man has a’calling … again. Look for a Very Special Episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophe’s: Tyga Loses His Car … And His Shiz.

Oh Gwyneth Paltrow, you slay me with your snobbery.

Gwyneth has a new cookbook that someone wrote for her called It’s All Easy because Gwyneth is all about the simplistic of cooking … like asking the maid to rustle up some eggs … ordering the gardener to cut you a salad from the Back Forty … asking the driver to swing by Whole Foods for a bale of kale.

But it was this line that killed me, with Paltrow declaring her home a microwave free zone:

“I do not own a microwave. No. I believe in the old-fashioned way of heating things up.”

Gwyneth-speak for:

I have the servants heat it up with the flame from an old Bic lighter.

And one more thing Gwyneth will not tolerate: dill.

“It really offends me.”

Dill was last seen trying to score a dime bag on Skid Row to put itself out of Paltrow’s misery. 

Weird Wild Stuff

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

Poor Nicolas Cage. It looks like his crazy hair finally turned the rest of him completely nuts.It seems Little Nicky was arrested last weekend in Louisiana after an, er, altercation, with his wife of six years, Alice.

Nicky was ALLEGEDLY very drunk, prowling the tattoo parlors and bars of New Orleans when a taxi driver ALLEGEDLY spotted Mr and Mrs Hasbeen Actor arguing loudly in the streets. Sidenote: you'd have to argue pretty loudly to cause a disturbance on the streets of the French Quarter.
The cab driver watched the fight for a moment, but the minute Little Nicky shoved Mrs. Little Nicky, the cabbie called the police. Which then lead to a very odd confrontation between Cage and the authorities. The NOLA police, not wanting to make a big scene by arresting a formally huge star, repeatedly asked Cage to just leave quietly.
But Nicky wasn't having it. That's what the Dronk does to you. Cage ALLEGEDLY taunted the police into taking him into custody, refusing their requests for him to quietly go home. Instead, Mr. Big Shot Asshat kept asking, "Why don't you just arrest me?"
So they did. And Nicky and his hair were charged with disturbing the peace and domestic violence.
Nicky was kept in lockdown, awaiting a bail hearing while his wife ALLEGEDLY denied that any physical violence occurred, and refused to press charges. But Nicky is known for his public outbursts and rages. There was a blow-up on a movie set in Romania, as well as a previous bar fight in New Orleans last year.
And there is also his ongoing battle with the IRS, who claims Nicky owes them millions in back taxes. Also the wife of Nicky's first-born recently sued him for $13 million, ALLEGEDLY for back child support. And Nicky himself, probably knowing he needed the cash, filed suit for $20 million against his business manager, Samuel Levin--who simply said that Nicky lives beyond his means, and then filed a countersuit ALLEGING that Nicky was  continually advised to curtail his spending, including the purchases of yachts, Rolls Royce's and fifteen homes.
Nicky. Could your life get any more out of control?

Apparently it can.

Down in New Orleans, where Nicky Cage sat in jail, awaiting a bail hearing, reality TV star Dog the Bounty Hunter bailed him out by posting a bond of $11,000.
Really? A reality TV show star had to come to your rescue? Why not offer the bail judge a Rolls or a yacht in exchange for a Get Out Of Jail Free card?
Dog, AKA Duane Chapman, who never met a situation he didn't want to exploit for his own purposes, released a statement: "Media from around the world have been requesting interviews with me today after reports surfaced about my posting a bond for actor Nicolas Cage in New Orleans....I am a truly dedicated fan of Mr. Cage and will not be granting any interviews about my client as I wish to respect his privacy. I performed my duties as a bail bondsman and not in connection with our show."
In other words Here's what I did and how nice I am and how much I love brilliant [sarcasm] actor, Nicolas Cage, but I will not be talking about how I personally bailed him out and then called the media.
And then, after he said he would say no more, he added, "This is what I do for a living. There are two sides of my job: I release my clients after they have been arrested; and pick them up if they don't show up in court. I do not believe the latter will be the case for Mr. Cage."
Still, I'd keep Nicky on a short leash, Dog.
And, pardon my pessimism, but don't be surprised if you see Nicky in some big budget piece of trash movie where he plays a bounty hunter with bad hair--because he's got that part covered already--and one Duane Chapman is paid a handsome sum to be an advisor.
Just sayin'.

File this under: Wackadoo Mother-effers.

Ninety-four-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Prince [and he's not a real prince] Frederic von Anhalt, wants his wife to become a mother again by using an egg donor, artificial insemination and a surrogate mother.
No. Seriously. And, one wonders why.
Dollar signs.
Freddie the Freeloader says: "I've gone through the initial steps of donor matching and blood work and next week the donation process will begin."
I'm not the only one stunned by this news. Zsa Zsa's only child--or formerly her only child--Francesca Hilton, described herself as shocked when told of the plan: "That's just weird."
But Von Anhalt says he is working with Dr. Mark Surry of the Southern California Reproductive Center in Beverly Hills, and, in that fatherly toner that one gets while awaiting the birth of guaranteed inheritance rights, said: "I'm a retired guy. I can take care of it."
It?
He also says Gabor talked about adding a new baby to the family and he wants to carry out her wishes. But, Freddie, she talked about adding another child to the family twenty-five years ago, when she was in her sixties. To which, von Anhalt swears that Zsa Zsa, who is gravely ill, brought up the subject again only months ago.
And he just wants to make her happy, and get a little executor control on the estate when Zsa Zsa passes. Oh, but he says he's not doing it for the money, he's doing it because he wants someone to carry on the Gabor name, because, you know, it's famous, or something. Or at least was about fifty years ago.
Why doesn't Freddie just change his name to Greedy Gabor? Problem solved!

Interesting story out of the NYC this week.

Apparently, my Husband-in-my-head, Anderson "Randy Andy" Cooper, came home to find a drunk emptying his bladder all over the front door of Andy's building.
Andy was incensed by the smell of hot urine on mahogany and instantly called the police.
No, wait. He Tweeted about it first:
Just got home, found drunk guy peeing on my bldg front door. He asked for my pic. Instead I took his. Am tempted to tweet it out. Annoying!about 10 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
Now, to be fair, I wasn't just peeing on his door.
i was marking my territory.
So, follow Andy on Twitter and let me know if he Tweets my pic. I hope Little Bob and I look good!

In this whole Charlie Sheen mess, who do I feel most sorry for?
Denise Richards? Nah, she's making millions off Crazy in child support and media attention.
Brooke Mueller, who ALLEGEDLY survived a Charlie Sheen knife attack?
Or maybe it's his kids. Not so much the ones with Denise, and not so much the one he had with some model way back when. But the twins he had with Mueller.
I mean, they're just babies and their Daddy has gone off the deep-end.
And now, so has Mommy.

It seems that Charlie's latest estranged wife, and mother to his twins, Brooke Mueller, has once again gone all Lohan and checked into rehab for another try.
Mueller entered rehab after a week of ALLEGED drug binging, followed by her refusal to submit to a drug test even though it was required under the terms of her custody settlement with Sheen.
Wow, lovely parents who need to have weekly drug tests.
Mueller's representatives--and by representative, I mean, of course, dealers--say the 33-year-old has ALLEGEDLY re-entered rehab as a precautionary step should Sheen's lawyers bring up the drug test issue in court.
Wow, nice spin. You check into rehab in case someone brings up the fact that you're a serial drug abuser?
This is Mueller's second stab at rehab. She had previously rehabbed for ALLEGED drug and alcohol abuse issues in 2010. And just last week, she was caught on camera last week trying to pawn a pricey watch and stereo equipment in an attempt to get some quick cash.
Quick cash for what, honey?
Well, as some of her 'friends' ALLEGE, Brooke is only using drugs again because of ALLEGED calls asking for clean urine and recent cash concerns.
So, she's using drugs because she's afraid of being drug tested?
Or she's using drugs, costly drugs, because she's worried about money?
Brooke Mueller receives $55,000 a month from Charlie Sheen.
Like I said, these two losers can have each other, but someone needs to take care of those kids. Maybe a nice gay couple?

Not so fast, I guess.

Charlie Sheen's lawyer--and, sheesh, that guy must be on speed dial--will ALLEGEDLY ask a judge to grant both legal and physical custody of the boys to Sheen because of Brooke's drug relapse.
Of course, it also occurs to Sheen that if he gets custody of his boys he wouldn't be shelling out 55K a month. And think how many hookers he could buy, especially now that he's out of a job.
And Charlie Sheen has found an unlikely ally during this new drama with Mueller: his ex-wife, mother to two of his other children, and ginormous media whore, Denise Richards. According to rumors, Richards ALLEGEDLY heard about Mueller's bizarre behavior and rehab stint and offered to help until the situation settled down.
Denise then ALLEGEDLY called Sheen and offered to take care of the twins and let them live with her while Sheen was on the road with his 'Torpedo of Truth' tour. He reportedly told her he'd "keep her posted" on the situation.
I wonder if Denise also then asked for the 55K, too.
See, it is all about the money, not about those two boys and their drug-addicted parents.

This is funny.

M. Night Shyamalan, director of 1999's Oscar-nominated, 'The Sixth Sense,' was poised to be the Next Big Thing, the New Spielberg. He had no idea it would all be downhill from there.
Cut to 2010, where Night's latest movie, 'The Last Airbender', swept the film awards at a recent show. Only, it wasn't Oscar, or Golden Globe, or even BAFTA. He won all sorts of Razzies for his latest flop. Can it get any worse?
Oh, but it can.
Three movie fans are trying to raise $150,000 to send M. Night Shyamalan back to film school. It seems one of the fans--and I use that term loosely--came up with the idea after seeing a preview for a movie called 'Devil'. When the words "from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan" came up on-screen, the audience howled and an idea was born.
Baker was joined by two friends, one of whom developed the idea of "M. Night School" as a name for the website. When news broke that Shyamalan was daring to make yet another disaster--'1000 A.E.' starring 'Karate Kid' Jaden Smith and his dad, Will Smith--the trio went live with their campaign.
So far, the boys have raised just $520.
But, if you love movies, and realize that Shyamalan needs a little re-education in the art of filmmaking, please give....give til it hurts.
A man's career hangs in the balance.

As Lindsay Lohan awaits trial on a felony theft charge, she has something positive to look forward to in the near future: two possible movie deals. One, is a documentary called 'Prison Laundry' while the other is a cinema vérité piece called 'Drug Addict Jewel Thief'.
I kid.

Kind of. It seems that Hollywood producer Marc Fiore has Lohan in mind for, not one, but two, upcoming movies, one of which is the much-rumored 'Gotti' biopic: "I want Lindsay to be in 'Gotti' and another movie that I'm producing. She's a great, great actress."
I did not make up that last line. Seriously.I.Did.Not.
To her credit, Lohan, desperate to be seen as more of an actress than a criminal, is quite interested in the role of Victoria Gotti. In fact, she even showed up unannounced and uninvited to stand next to Victoria Gotti at a press event.
Balls.Of.Steel.
Fiore also hopes to see Lohan in is 'Mob Street,' a Wall Street-centered mafia flick written by Chazz Palminteri.
Funny. All these movies, and Lindsay would be playing criminals, or relatives of criminals. Who says art doesn't imitate life?

But not anymore. It looks like there's one contract that even the Gotti family won't take out.

Lindsay Lohan is no longer up for the role of Victoria Gotti, daughter of legendary mob boss John Gotti, in the upcoming film 'Gotti: Three Generations.'
After trumpeting Lindsay as the most talented actress ever and saying he wanted to work with her over and over again, producer Mark Fiore now says: "We are not talking any further about Lindsay playing Victoria. She is no longer being considered. The talks have stopped. We are going to meet with other people."
Ouch. Dina must be rolling over in her grave.
Cuz she's like a vampire, I mean.
It seems only days ago that Lohan showed up unwelcome and unwanted at a press conference with Victoria Gotti and John Travolta. And it was only days ago that both Gotti and Miss Travolta sang the actress's praises, with Gotti saying: "I think she's doing great; I think she's going to continue to do great and she's got a lot of people rooting for her."
Those people rooting for her are all the people to whom she owes money.
Travolta added, "I've always thought [Lohan] was gorgeous and talented and filled with a lot of depth. So, I think that whatever she would like to do would be great with me."
What she'd like to do to Travolta is befriend him and then break into his house and steal all the costumes he wore as Big Edna in 'Hairspray'.
 Just sayin'.

How do you follow up being a media whore on a reality TV show, scamming your way into the White House, trying out for a rehab show only to be let go because you aren't addicted to anything other than fame and then finding out that your first reality show has been canceled?

What's a fame-hungry girl like Michaele Salahi to do? Pose for Playboy, of course. Because the world wants to see her rib cage and fake tatas. Only, even Playboy has standards.
Salahi, the now canceled fame-whore of the 'Real Housewives of DC' star, and self-described former model--I giggle at that--recently shot a series of sexy pictures and sent them to Playboy along with a letter begging to be in the magazine.
Hef.Said.No.
A source close to the magazine--and by source I mean the guy that strategically places the bunny logo onto every Playboy cover--says that Michaele was informed via email: "There is no opportunity this calendar year to offer you a cover opportunity or place for your pictorial."
They added: "So here are your skanky pictures back and we'll be sending you the bill from out opthalmologist who treated our eyes for severe retina burns after viewing your picture."
Not to be out-done in the media-whore-ness department, Michaele's chubby asshat hubby Tareq also sent nudie pics of himself to Playgirl.
They're still dealing with the stench of a group vomit over there.

We all know that Justin Timberlake lost his beard.
He broke up with Jessica Biel.
Now, there are reports that JT is ALLEGEDLY losing his hair.

Timberlake, who used to rock the curls, has now taken to wearing his hair closely cropped; and by closely cropped, I mean scalp-length.
A friend--and by friend I mean a bartender at the Ramrod--says Timberlake is mortified by his thinning hair and that is the reason for his very close haircuts: "He's keeping his hair super-short so no one notices."
Oh, honey, we noticed.
Timberlake's "friend" adds: "He's using specially formulated shampoo to promote hair growth. He certainly doesn't want to go bald!"
Oh, butcha'are Blanche, butcha'are goin' bald.
But, at least he's working on the beard loss. He has ALLEGEDLY been trying to hook-up with his 'Friends with Benefits' co-star Mila Kunis, but she refused his advances, saying, "Ewwwwwww." And he has also been seen with 'Tron: Legacy' star Olivia Wilde, who, through a friend, said, "Ewwww."
Just sayin'.

This story warms my cold, tiny, pus-filled, stone-like heart.

A group of people, ALLEGEDLY paid by Gwyneth Paltrow to be The Friends Of Gwyneth Paltrow, showed up at a dinner party to collect a paycheck and "celebrate" the actress-singer-blogger-maniacal-egotist's cookbook, 'My Father's Daughter.'
Employees of Paltrow, like Jay-Z, Cameron Diaz, Alex Rodriguez and Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld all told stories of how Gwynnie is not like the rest of us. She's better.
But one person, ALLEGEDLY not on the payroll, showed up, and wasn't that impressed by Missy P and all her holier-than-thou-ness. And that someone was none-other than Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. Martin ALLEGEDLY arrived cranky and his publicist warned, "he doesn't want to talk."

A party filled with people paid to praise his wife and Chris doesn't want to talk? I think I love him. But it is a little odd when your own hubby doesn't want to talk at a party promoting you, isn't it?
Luckily, the other employees loved talking Gwyneth.
Jessica Seinfeld, obviously angling for a substantial year-end bonus, ALLEGEDLY told the crowd how lucky they were to be invited: "You are all so lucky to be part of Gwyneth's world. Because this is the real deal. And she's invited all of you good people in here. I would never do that."
Then supermodel Christy Turlington reveled in how Gwyneth is a whiz when it comes to killing lobsters--and by lobsters, I, of course, mean employees who don't follow protocol: "It's not the boiling-in-the-pot-and-screaming lobster thing. It's a different, faster approach. You stick a knife through the head."
Sounds like a Gwynnie mob hit.
Even Michael Stipe played dutiful paid guest: "Once, a duck she was cooking caught fire, and she threw it in the pool."
Along with a party goer who looked hotter than Gwyneth, and another guest who didn't bow and scrape properly.
Still, amidst all this paid advertisement, and praise for All Things Paltrow, her husband, smart man that he is, hovered in a corner, sipping a Ketel One and Tonic and plotting his escape from Paltrow World.
Godspeed Chris. Godspeed.