Why Is It ...

… that most all of my friends know that if we’re in a crowd of people and I say, “since we’re being funny,” it’s time to take me out of the room.

… that people have forgotten that oldest of Commandments ‘Know thy lane and stayeth in it.”

… that I am the friend you can cancel on at the last minute? Is it because I wasn’t going anyway?

… that sometimes I tell people “I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are” and watch their face while they try to figure out if it was a compliment or not.

… that every so often I head up to IKEA to see if they can help me assemble the fucking will to live.

… that no one realzies that calling someone a dildo is a perfectly acceptable insult; you could call them a dick, but they aren’t real enough.

… that even I know I should be ashamed of my attitude; to be clear, I’m not, but I should be.

… that people need to learn if they press their bottom lip to their top lip, they can actually shut the fuck up; go on, try it, I’ll wait.

 … that no one sees that introverts don’t get FOMO; we get FOBI … fear of being included.

… that people don’t realize I am an anti-stalker. I’m learning someone’s routine so I can avoid them.

… that no one gets that I will cook rice one grain at a time before I worry about someone not talking to me.

One Date ... 159,000 Followup Texts and a Bath

That’s Jacqueline Ades of Phoenix Arizona. Jacqueline met a man online and they went on a date, and that was that. But Jacqueline was so enamored of her one-date-only man that, in an effort to get to a second date, she sent him  … wait for it, it’s epic … 159,000 texts—though police claim it was many more—over a period of ten months.

That’s roughly 530 texts per day … 22 texts an hour … one every three minutes.

But, as happens, Jacqueline’s texts started out nice, but somewhere, probably around text number four, she began to threaten him with great bodily harm. And now, Jacqueline Ades is awaiting trial on charges of stalking and criminal trespassing because of texts like this one:

“I’d wear ur fascia n the top of ur skull n ur hands n feet.”

For those who don’t know—and I thought “fascia” was the boards along the eaves of a home, which they are—fascia also means “the connective tissue that encloses muscles and organs.” 

Yes. And Jacqueline also texted things like:

“I’d make sushi outta ur kidneys n chopsticks outta ur hand bones.” 

“Oh what would I do w ur blood! … Id wanna bathe in it.” 

But it was just texts after that lone date; nope, she also took to parking her car outside of his home, and when he complained about that to the police, they arrested Jacqueline Ades on April 8th, finding her inside the man’s home, taking a bath.

Ades was later released, but failed to appear in court on multiple occasions, and then Scottsdale police were called to the man’s job and physically removed her from the building while she shrieked that she was his wife. And,after that incident, Paradise Valley police arrested her on May 8th in Phoenix.

Jacqueline told police she didn’t want to hurt the man and only sent the threatening texts because she didn’t want him to leave. Ades is currently being held without bail and will go on trial next month.

Seriously.

Either this woman is completely nuts, or that guy gives one helluva first date.

I cannot wait for the Lifetime movie, cuz you just know it’s happening … My Dinner with Miss Hannibal Lechter.

D-Listed