It's Snarkurday!

Mel B and her soon-to-be ex-husband, Stephen Belafonte, were put on blast by an LA judge this week for “living beyond their means” ... like the fact that Mel B says she spends $9,000 a month on groceries and dining out, along with $1,300 on entertainment expenses, court documents show.

Judge Lawrence Riff says Mel B and Belafonte enjoyed a “high upper-class life” during their nearly 10-year marriage but that their expenses were not “entirely credible or reasonable.”

Ya think?  Mel claims her monthly expenses include $20,000 in “child care,” $5,000 in “groceries and household supplies” for a family of four, $4,493 for “eating out,” and $1,313 for “movies, shows, theme parks, etc.”

As for Belafonte, he claims to spend $2,300 a month on “groceries and household supplies,” $750 in cell phone expenses, $2,000 in clothes and $3,000 on “entertainment, gifts and vacation.” Riff says the pair should’ve kept their personal living expenses capped at $51,000 a month.

Fifty-one-thousand a month? How does a judge expect a family of six to live on $1700 a day? But wait, it gets better; on Friday, the judge ordered Mel B to pay Belafonte $40,000 per month in emergency spousal support and another $140,000 in legal fees. So he’ll have to get by on $1300 a day now that the Mel B Gravy Train has left the station.

Poor man.

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It was a little more than a week ago that Shia LaBeouf was arrested for being drunk and disorderly, and has-been boy bander Aaron Carter took to Twitter to mock Shia by saying he’s been a celebrity a lot longer and never been arrested.

Oops. Carter got into some serious trouble—in Georgia, too, just like Shia—after he was arrested for DUI and possession of weed and drug accessories.

And the drama is only beginning to grow ... like the fact that his mugshot makes him look less celebrated and more like the meth dealer who sells from a dumpster behind the Piggly Wiggly on Us 1 in Smallville.

Secondly, we have Aaron’s brother Nick, an expert in the art of mugshots after his own series of arrests, taking to Twitter to talk to his brother:

“To my brother: I love u no matter what & if u feel the need to reach for help, I am here and willing to help you get better.”

“Family isn't always easy, be we're all here for you.”

Aaron called out Nick for using his arrest “for his PR” instead of contacting him directly. But, according to Nick’s wife, Lauren, Nick would have called personally ... if he’d had his brother’s phone number.

Anyway, back to Aaron and the Excuses ... he claims that his arrest happened after he and his girlfriend stopped at an AutoZone to get a new tire for his car ... You know how that always leads to an arrest ... and he says he has a medical marijuana license for the weed ... because who doesn’t ... and finally Aaron believes he was “targeted” by the police because he is a ... wait for it ... celebrity.

And so now Aaron has threatened to sue the Habersham County cops who arrested him because he says they never saw him driving a car that night ... though he ALLEGEDLY refused a breathalyzer and urine test and says there was nothing in his system.

Still, I keep going back to that mugshot ... Just sayin’.

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I guess since he and his mistress have now come out in the open, Ben Affleck no longer needs Batman? Or Batman doesn’t need him?

Affleck‘s ties to the upcoming film The Batman are almost all gone ... starting with the fact that, after his first time in the cape fell flatter than his marriage, now it appears that the director of the upcoming second installment read the script that Ben wrote and scrawled “Pass” on it in red ink.

Yup, The Batman’s new director Matt Reeves revealed that he won’t be using the script Ben wrote and will, instead, be using a “new story” for his Batman movie. New as in without Affleck?

The only sad part of this story is that, in Ben’s script, now smoldering in a  trash can at Warner Brothers, Joe Manganiello was set to play Deathstroke, and so maybe we won’t see Joe’s Magnificent ass in tights any time soon.

Damn you, Ben Affleck, damn you.

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China gets a bad rap over a lot of things ... polluting the plant ... human rights violations ... the one-child policy ... but there are times when you gotta give ‘em a high five. See, this week China banned Justin Bieber for bad behavior.

Beijing's Culture Bureau responded to a fan's request asking why the Biebs' Purpose tour has scheduled dates in Japan, Indonesia, the Philippines, Singapore and Hong Kong but NOT China:

"Justin Bieber is a gifted singer, but he is also a controversial young foreign idol. As far as we are concerned, he has engaged in a series of bad behaviors, both in his social life and during a previous performance in China."

The bureau didn't give specifics but you may recall that back in 2013 Bieber was carried onto the Great Wall of China like royalty.

So, maybe it’s that or maybe it’s just that Bieber’s a spoiled little dick and China doesn’t want their kids getting any ideas.

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Back when Gwyneth Paltrow first started GOOP it was her attempt to train the peasants in better ways to live ... if they had $1500 for a t-shirt, or a doctor who would Stanley Steamer their vaginas.  But, over the years, GOOP has shifted from Advice For The Poverty Stricken From The Entitled Actress to straight up commerce.

And her advice ... like “earthing” AKA taking off your shoes and walking in the grass ... or the Paltrow Eight Day Goat Milk Only Cleanse Using GOOP Goat Milk ... and her push for women to slip a Jade Egg up their hoo-haws ... is causing at least one doctor to come for Gwynnie.

Many of GOOP’s latest medical recommendations have been refuted by actual doctors, and one of those, Dr. Jen Gunter, OBGYN, seems on a mission to discredit all things Paltrow.

Gunter has become a folk hero for the Anti-GOOP’s which really gets under Gwyneth’s thin skin ... as she showed recently when she devoted one of her GOOP letters to a Gunter Smackdown.

Paltrow, in that annoying condescending tone she uses, tried to explain that GOOP merely presents women with more information ... that costs ,,, and that GOOP’s critics aren’t merely trying to disseminate the correct medical information, they’re actually being “dismissive” of all of Gwyneth’s precious gurus and shamans.

Along with the editorial, Paltrow also published an editorial from Dr. Steven Gundry, who specifically addresses Gunter’s various takedowns, but seems more interested in the fact that Gunter uses the occasional f-bomb when talking GOOP. He also attacks her medical knowledge and is dismissive of the idea that Dr. Gunter might also be concerned about women’s health because, again, OBGYN.

Gunter responded:

“I must be affecting @goop's bottom line”

“Hey @GwynethPaltrow I give away my health info for free, you sure sell lots of stuff. Do you and your pals at @goop know about bias?”

Naturally, folks took Gunter's side and someone posted to the GOOP site:

“She made me laugh, a lot. But mostly I cheered for her, because she’s David and Goop is Goliath and Dr. Gunter is going to take that a–hole down.”

And I’d like a seat in the front row.

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This.Is.Rich.

Kim Kardastrophe is said to be “furious” over recent videos showing her partying hard; the video, taken when Kim was 23, comes on the heels of that "cocaine" picture she Instagrammed while on vacation ... "cocaine: that she later said was just candy.

A source—and clearly it’s Khloe who’s always been jealous—says:

“Kim feels incredibly humiliated by everything that has come out about her in these past couple of weeks. She’s in crisis mode.”

And so now That Woman is trying to do damage control in order to save Kim’s “career”.

I don’t know what’s funnier ... the idea that someone put the words “Kim Kardastrophe” and “career” in the same sentence, or that the woman who sold Kim’s sex-tape in order to make her daughter a “star”—and don’t get me started on that—is not trying to salvage her daughter’s reputation over another video.

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WWE wrestler John Cena shaves his balls. He also shaves his knuckles. And the crack of his ass.

Every. Day. He spends up to 30 minutes to an hour a day shaving.  And he’s perfectly comfortable sharing these details:

“I’m completely man-scaped from head to toe—from the ears down—so that takes a bit of time. I’m constantly trying to stay up on fine lines in my skin and that stuff, so I’m a lot more grooming-centric than you would realize. My routine is a lot more than you would think—I’d say it’s a strong 7 ½ out of 10.”

And, for what it’s worth, John, if you ever get too busy and need someone to take over the job ... call me.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Recently in Gossip we talked Chris Brown’s stint in rehab for anger management that was scheduled to last ninety days but ended at about 14 days. His peeps said he left early because he had to finish his community service from the time he beat the crap outta Rihanna, but, yeah, that was a lie.

Chris Brown was kicked out of the program for throwing a rock at his mother’s car.

Really, Chris Brown??

According to the probation report, Chris’ mom showed up for a family session and was urging him to stay in the facility for extended treatment but Chris wasn’t playing that. He disagreed with Mama Brown, stomped out of the session, grabbed a handful of rocks and threw them at her car, shattering the windows.

Yeah, he don’t need no stinking anger management. Jail would be better.

Kanye. Oy. He’s talking again, and by talking I mean whining like the little bitch he is.

First up: Bruno Mars. At a stop on his Yeezus Tour — which I take to mean, Yeezus Christ You’re A Douche — Miss Kanye bitched to the crowd about the MTV Video Music Awards:

“I’m sitting there, I’m trying to enjoy mother**kers performing, and sh*t. I’m looking, I’m watching Drake perform, I see Bruno Mars perform, and sh*t. And then they start giving out awards and sh*t, and Bruno Mars won all the mother**king awards, and sh*t.”

Actually, Bruno only won two awards, for “Locked Out of Heaven” and “Treasure” but Kanye wouldn’t know the truth if it looked like Kim’s ass and bitchslapped him.

Next up: The Fashion World

“You seen my interview on Jimmy Kimmel talking about how I want to do clothes, how I want support and sh*t. And y’all say, ‘Why can’t he just do it by his self?’ Well, I want to let you know I signed my deal a week and a half ago.”

Of course, he didn’t bother to mention with whom he signed a deal, but I think he might be joining Kim in the bargain bin at Sears.

Next up: Nike CEO Mark Parker.

“They tried to make [the shoe I designed] as small as possible. Mark Parker even talked sh*t, talking about, ‘We don’t even know why people like the Yeezys’. They like ‘em like they like the Jordans, because I was in fourth grade getting kicked out for drawing Jordans.”

Uh huh.

Lastly: Getting Kim on the cover of Vogue

Kanye is really pushing for Kim to get her own Vogue cover and Anna Wintour still isn’t buying it. But Kanye has ALLEGEDLY already created his own cover; a wedding cover, with Kim — not Kanye — in the wedding gown. And he has ALLEGEDLY hired Mario Testino to shoot the pictures and asking Testino to speak to Wintour on Kim’s behalf.

Like anyone, even Kanye’s big ego teamed with Kim’s big ass could get Anna Wintour to put a Kardastrophe on Vogue.

Yeezus needs to sit down.

Courtney Stodden. The ginormous boobed teenager who married a man old enough o be her grandpappy and is now divorcing him is also making news.

She wore a completely see-through negligee to the Pop Fashion and Sport Event. She is possibly being paid to attend these events and look like a blow-up doll because she has no discernible skills.

She says she will not do porn, which means she’ll be doing porn.

She wants to be the new Lady Gaga. A source — probably her soon-to-be-ex — says she is “obsessed with launching her music career… She is confident she can be the next Lady Gaga—but on an ever larger scale.” You know, because of the large scale boobs.

She won’t say ‘No’ if ABC offered to make her the new Bachelorette. I think the season should be sub-titled Jumped The Shark with Stodden’s Boobs.

She says her marriage ended not because her husband was alive when JFK was hot and her own parents were not yet born, but because Doug was “slowing down” and he couldn’t have sex with her as much as she wanted: “Our sex was good, I’m not going to lie, but I’m a young girl who wants to experience sex of all kinds and he’s an older man who’s slowing down a bit. I wanted more sex.” 

I threw up a little in my mouth just typing that.

New Year’s Eve will be Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris’s first wedding anniversary — speaking of young boob-enhanced girls marrying men old enough to be their grandpas, or in Crystal’s case, her great-grandpa.

And the marriage has been quiet, even after Crystal ditched Hef at the altar the first go-round to take some time and think about marrying Moses while she banged Dr. Phil’s son while Phil watched. ALLEGEDLY.

And now, one year in, BIG SURPRISE, rumor has it that the 27-year-old and the 87-year-old don’t have that much in common and their marriage is plagued with problems.

Like she doesn’t care where he was when he heard the news that Lincoln was shot. And he doesn’t know an iPad from an IUD. He doesn’t want to go out lest he venture to far from a bathroom and she doesn’t want to stay in and want reruns of the Golden Girls. He plays Dominoes, she plays Guess How Many Rolled Up Newspapers I Can Carry Under My Breasts. His favorite movie star: Lillian Gish—Google her—and her fave movie star: Ariel from The Little Mermaid.

Yeah, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that an 87-year-old man and a 27-year-old chemistry experiment have much in common.

Aaron Carter, former pop star is kinda broke.

According to legal documents, his assets total $8,232.16 while his liabilities total $2,204,854. Yup, worth 8 thou, owes 2 mil; you don’t have to be Einstein to see where this is headed. Carter  also owes nearly $1.5 million to the IRS.

He listed all of his assets — including his dog, who was given a monetary value of $0.00 — while his other assets include:

61″ flat screen worth $500; 2 MacBooks; 2 Headset Mics; mini keyboard; Portable Beats; One guitar; $60 in cash; 1 Louis Vuitton backpack; a Brietling watch worth $3,750.

He’s living with relatives right now.

Hopefully the dog is living with someone who can afford Kibble.

Remember when Kanye first hooked up with The Kash Kow — Kim Kardastrophe? 

Remember how he said he wouldn’t ever appear on her “show” and then he did? 

Remember when he said he wanted to be left alone, but then he paraded his baby mama out dressed like a sofa? 

Remember when he said he wanted his privacy?

He lied.

‘Now the rumor is saying that when Kim and Kanye do get married — ALLEGEDLY next summer — that the nuptials will be televised.

Because Kim learned nothing from turning her last 2-month marriage into a TV show.

I am not a fan of Beyoncé. Take away the glitter and the hip thrusts and the wind machine and she’s the girl who makes my Latte in the morning.

Beyoncé lives in Beyoncé World where everything’s coming up Beyoncé, made by Beyoncé, designed by Beyoncé, sold by Beyoncé, for Beyoncé. When she wants something for Beyoncé, it’s done by and for and how Beyoncé wants it. ALLEGEDLY. 

But then she wanted to visit the Great Pyramids at Giza and she ended up being banned.

Jay Z say what?

It seems Beyoncé wanted a private tour of the pyramids all to herself, and asked renowned archaeologist Zahi Hawass to be her guide, but then she was late, kept him waiting and when she showed up, rather than  apologize, she turned on a wind machine, thrust her junk at him and said, er, lip-synced, "I’m Beyoncé.”

Hawass, the former Egyptian Minister of State for Antiquities, tells the story:

“She said she would come at 3PM but she came late. I said ‘You have to say I’m sorry I’m late’. But she didn’t open her mouth. I brought a photographer and she also had a photographer and a guard. When my photographer started to shoot, he said ‘No, Stop! I am the one who says yes or no, not you.’ I said ‘In that case since you almost hit my photographer and you are not polite — out! I am not giving you the privilege of having you on my tour.’ I said Beyoncé was stupid and I left.”

Snap. Beyoncé. Dissed by an archaeologist!

LeAnn Rimes got into more Twitter drama; this time with an ex. No, not her adulterous husband Eddie Cibrian’s ex, but her own ex Dean Sheremet.

 Dean and LeAnn don’t seem to speak or acknowledge each other ever. After their divorce — where he no doubt got a sizable payout so she could marry the married man she’d been schtupping — he moved to New York, went to culinary school and got married to a not-insane girl.

But last month he gave an interview where he talked about LeAnn, and that started new drama which LeAnn naturally took to Twitter.

It all began when a Twitterer, calling themselves Da Giggle Factory — and may, or may not, have actually been LeAnn using a fake account — posted a picture of LeAnn and Dean with the caption, “Remember the good old days when @leannrimes was just a chubby country bumpkin married to a gay dude?”

Rimes reTweeted, and Tweeted back, “hahahaha I’m gonna choose to laugh at this”

Dean Tweeted back, “Laugh away-Who’s the bully now?” He was referring o LeAnn’s recent stint in rehab for the stress caused by Twitter bullies.

Dean then wrote Tweeted  a message to both Rimes and the NOH8 Campaign: “I don’t do twitter wars, but I do hate ignorance.”

Then LeAnn — because her last album sank like a stone and she has nothing to do — did The Twitter Backtrack, Tweeting that she “laughing” at herself, and said Sheremet’s “not gay and there’s nothing wrong” if he was: “I have always & will always support the [gay] community.”

LeAnn needs a job, something away from a computer, but also something she can do while watching Eddie because you just know he’ll cheat on her like he did Wife #1.

Sidenote:  Rumor has it that LeAnn spends most of her time on Twitter responding to herself through various Twitter handles that she’s created for herself.

Basically she talks to herself. Online. Under assumed names. Oy.

Remember Michaele Salahi, who crashed a White House party with her husband Tareq, then showed up on Real Housewives of DC acting like a complete lunatic before she was drummed off the show, disappeared, and then reappeared in the bed of former Journey guitarist Neal Schon?

Well,  Michaele and Schon have announced their engagement and also said that their wedding will be televised as a pay-per-view “event” for the low low price of $14.99.

I’d rather head to the WalMart bargain bin and get a used copy of The Runaway Bride for $17.99.

Seriously? A reality show trainwreck and a has-been guitarist want to sell their wedding to the world. The world ain’t buying kids.

I apologize for the  Kanye overdose this week, but he is the gift that keeps on giving.

And before we get going on his idiocy, let’s giggle for a moment at the reviews for the Yeezus tour, most of which use the words ‘egomaniacal’ and ‘crazy’ and, my favorite, ‘bonkers’ when describing Miss West and her onstage rants at anyone who thinks she isn’t All that and a bag of chips.

Performing at Madison Square Garden recently, Kanye went off on Hedi Slimane, the former Dior designer and current creative director for Saint Laurent, for not treating him like a ‘god’:

“He was once a friend of mine, in the time of Christian Dior. And I used to wear his tight-ass jeans when I was on tour and get called names for it . . . And Hedi Slimane was a god who didn’t serve no bullsh*t … but it takes a god to recognize another god. So when he told me you can come to my show, but you can’t come to see Phoebe [Philo] and you can’t come to see Riccardo [Tisci], that was odd. He tried to control me! He tried to tell me where I could go!”

And no one, NO ONE, keeps Kanye from Riccardo, if you get my meaning.

Just sayin’. He sounds like a woman scorned.

I loathe Justin Timberlake. After watching the American Music Awards — okay, I DVRd it and watched the three hour show in 22 minutes — I came to the conclusion that JT is really TSwifty with a beard. They both have that same phony Aw shucks mentality while acting like they deserve every accolade and more.

And JT takes it a step further, acting like he can do anything. While accepting an award he began to speak in a Bajan accent — suddenly he's Rihanna — to kind of remind people that he can do anything — except make a hit movie — because he was  nominated for “Pop, Rock, and Soul R-and-B.”

He can do it all, y’all, except, like I said, have a hit movie if he plays anything other than a side note character.

Clint Eastwood‘s daughter, Francesca, is seeking an annulment from Jordan Feldstein—manager of Robin Thicke and Adam Levine and brother to Jonah Hill—after less than a week of marriage.

Sources close to the couple — possibly Clint’s soon-to-be ex-wife, and Kris Jenner wannabe, Dina — say the “wedding’ fueled by alcohol. Francesca and Jordan were legally married in a cheesy Vegas wedding chapel by Elvis impersonator.

Holy Britney Spears!

And Francesca had immediate regrets…

Funny, straight folks can get drunk and get married and then call it quits in a matter of hours all they want, but The Gays threaten the sanctity of marriage.

So, remember Paris Hilton’s sex tape?

I mean it came out sometime in the last decade when she was still kind of relevant, but now, NOW, she’s filing suit against a Slovenian website called ParisHiltonPornVideos.com, which has apparently been showing clips of Paris’ clips and bits to drive traffic.

And so now, NOW, she wants it stopped and she wants to get paid for it. She wants the domain name transferred to her because if anyone’s gonna make money off of Paris’ skankitude it better be Paris.

And Rick Salomon who first sold the tape about a hundred years ago.

Is this for real? Are people, any people, still interested enough in Paris Hilton to pay to see her gettin’ did? Or is it as I think, just more of Paris trying to keep herself in the news because, let’s face it, she’s as over as twerking.