Snarky Thoughts

Remember back in 2012 when Kim Kardastrophe was still a bit of a nobody? That was the year that PETA “flour bombed” to aspiring media whore on the red carpet of her True Reflection perfume launch and we all cackled at a Kardastrophe covered in flour. Well, now it seems that a PR rep who worked with Kimmy during that time said the whole thing was a planned “media moment.”

My Thought: What? Kim planned the flour bombing to get attention? Why she would never, that’s so unlike her.

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Recently Real Housewife of Salt Lake City, Jen Shah, was sentenced for her wire fraud scam where she stole money from the elderly and the poor to feed her lavish lifestyle, so what does a convict do? Well, scam artist Shah took 20 people to Italian hotspot Valbella at the Park in New York City and ate and drank their way through the menu.

My Thought: I guess six and a half years in prison rather than 14 is worth celebrating, though not for the elderly, whose money she stole. A shame she couldn't have used some of the money to buy herself a soul or a conscience.

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Apparently director Michael Bay is a wanted man in Italy for a crime he ALLEGEDLY committed a few years back while filming his Netflix action movie, 6 Underground. What did he do, you ask? Or didn’t ask? Bay is ALLEGED to have murdered a pigeon while filming or, to be fair, having a pigeon murdered while filming.

My Thought: He’s in trouble for this but got off scot-free for those Transformer abominations? There is literally no justice.

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And you all thought Kim would get married first, but, no, y’all, Kanye’s off the market after marrying a Yeezy employee named Bianca Censori who looks a lot like a certain  media whore with a giant ass. But maybe it’s all for The Ye Crazy Hour because he and the bride never filed a marriage certificate to make their union a legally binding one.

My Thought: When the meds kick back in, Kanye will move along from this Kim Kardastrophe Knockoff™ mess.

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Oh Gwen Stefani, does no one around you ever say, “Stop talking”? People have been calling Gwen a “culture vulture” since her No Doubt days when she did discount Pocahontas drag, but she’s upped her game since then by fully committing to Japanese culture after releasing her debut album Love. Angel. Music. in 2004. And so now, eighteen years later, Stefani is responding to the hate she’s received for appropriating another culture by saying … with a straight face … to an Asian-American journalist … that she, too, is Japanese. And that’s because … wait for it … she said this with a straight face, too … her father once worked for Yamaha. The interviewer also claims that Gwen identifies as both Hispanic and Latinx and Japanese and English, and that the day after these ridiculous statements her rep contacted her to say that she misunderstood Gwen.

My Thought: Gwen said to the reporter, “I’m Japanese.” Someone needs to sit Gwen down and explain cultural appropriation to her, and then ask that she just stop … she’s an effing white girl from effing Anaheim!

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Okay, so we all Chris Brown is a dickhead of ginormous proportions, but does he have to keep trying to prove it?

It seems that this week Chrissy refused to accept a plea deal in that case of beating up a fan in Washington DC; the deal would have turned his misdemeanor assault charges into simple assault charges — which carry a much smaller penalty — but Chrissy said No thanks.

In fact, the prosecutor revealed in court that his office had offered Brown a deal but that brown’s lawyer, and media whore, Mark Geragos, rejected it. Rumor has it that he said No because, while police officers and the DA are said to have a video of the beat-down, they have yet to turn it over to Geragos and he thinks that means it shows Chrissy wasn’t doing anything wrong … for a change.

And even if police don’t have video—which also may be true—that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, it just means the case turns into a He-Said-Lyin-Chrissy-Said. But, since Chrissy is still on probation for beating the crap out of Rihanna, if there is a video and Chrissy is convicted, he’ll go to jail, and no amount of ricks thrown at his Mama’s car in anger will get him outta that mess.

The upside: Chrissy would look good in an orange jumpsuit.

I know next to nothing about Harry Styles—of the boyband One Direction—because I am not a fourteen-year-old girl, though I sometimes play one on this bloggy thing here.

But I do know that he’s been dating Kendall Jenner, from That Family, but Harry is making it clear that he will not become the next Kanye.

In fact, much to the chagrin of That Mother, Harry Styles has drawn the line at ever appearing on That Show. He has no plans on being tainted by the Kardastrophe brand and is apparently calling the shots in the relationship even though That Woman is expecting him to make appearances on the next season, you know, to boost ratings. I mean, she did it with Kanye and now he’s like a regular Kardastrophe.

But Harry has given Kendall an ultimatum: me or the cameras. He is refusing to allow the show’s cameras into his life at all even though the producers and That Woman are pressuring him to be filmed. In fact, That Woman wants Harry to be on the show so badly, that she has pushed Kendall into a relationship, says a “source” AKA That Woman:

“Obviously she wants her daughter to have the best relationship with Harry but as the show’s EP knows how much of a draw footage of the pair could be.”

See, it’s not about her children being happy, it’s about how much money she can make pimping them out in porn movies, to basketball players and to rap stars who kinda need a baby mama to stop the "Is he gay" talk.

Just sayin’.

Michael Bay is a director of schlock; like Transformers, Armageddon, and Pain & Gain and a legendary douchebag; he ALLEGEDLY “auditioned” Megan Fox for role in Transformers role by having her wash his Ferrari while he filmed it. Yeah, douche.

But he isn’t so much of a public speaker. It seems Bay was asked to speak at  the Vegas Consumer Electronics where he lent his name to Samsung’s new 105-inch curved UHD television and he got all nervous and jiggly and tongue-tied when the teleprompter quit on him. Unable to even adlib a speech he simply got frustrated and walked off the stage mid-incoherent sentence.

He started off like this:

 “My job, as a director, is I get to dream for a living, and what I try to do is I … uhhh, the type is all off — sorry, but I’ll just wing this.”

Then, with Samsung Executive Vice President Joe Stinziano’s encouragement, Bay went on:

“We’ll wing it right now. I try to take people on an emotional ride and …”

That’s when Stinziano asked how the product would impact Bay’s work, and Bay just turned and walked off.

Stick to schlock, I say, it’s your comfort zone.

After ordering a hit on someone who dissed her in Miami, Lindsay Lohan has been quiet; meaning, I think, that Oprah has tightened the leash.

But, she was in Singapore last week — for something, a paycheck for something … cough high class call girl cough … but she behaved herself. No fights, no feuds, no stumbles. But as she was leaving the drama started. Lohan is claiming that her laptop was stolen and it has all kinds of photos of Nekkid Lindsay on it!

Lindsay claims her computer was stolen at the airport in Shanghai and is offering a reward for its return—I think it’s up to $10 now. I kid; she’s actually not saying how much the reward is because she doesn’t have more than ten bucks, but says she’ll pay “Whatever it takes.”

Translation: “Whatever I can dig out of my sofa.”

Lindsay claims all the nudes are from various photo shoots that she has done over the years and that they were never supposed to be released. And she says the laptop contains private emails between Lohan and Lady Gaga — imagine that illiteracy — and Woody Allen. Woody Allen? Oh yeah, naked pictures, Now it makes sense.

Lindsay. Honey. Stop. I mean, talk about dumb, carrying a laptop filled with Lohan Porn and Woody Allen Love Texts?

More Lohan?

Okay, back   back in December, Lindsay got all high and drunk… ALLEGEDLY … and called up TMZ’s Harvey Levin and told him that she’d been offered six-figures to write a tell-all memoir. People were so excited, wondering if Lindsay would tell the truth about her antics, and her parents, and her antics and Dina.

But guess what? Mama Lohan — laying low since her own DUI arrest last fall — says she has just finished HER memoir and says there is no truth that Lindsay was writing any kind of book.

Mama called her meal ticket a liar? Oh, good.

“To clean up a rumor, Lindsay is not writing a book at this time, [but] my book is finished!”

Can you imagine that book? All full of motherly advice and tips on how to clean up your daughter before the cops show up; how to pack for rehab; how to coerce your drug-addled daughter into paying your mortgage.

I smell a Pulitzer.

And since I brought up Lady Gaga let’s talk about her.

It seems Gaga has released a new version of her single Do What U Want only this one features her doing the duet with Christina Aguilera even though the original version — recorded for Gaga’s ArtPop — featured her singing with R Kelly.

But then a new article came out in the Village Voice chronicling Kelly’s past sexually abusing girls and suddenly he was out and Christina was in. The new duet aired just one day after the Village Voice piece, though Gaga claims the new version was suggested by The Voice producers after Gaga and Aguilera first sang the song. But it really smells like Gaga is trying to distance herself from the R Kelly scandalous piece, or maybe she’s just trying to make ArtPop relevant.

Too late for that, I think because …. ArtPop is a colossal flop.

And Gaga has taken over every media outlet to lay the blame everywhere but at her over-inflated ego. She had a meltdown on littlemonsters.com where she tried to explain why ART-flopped and basically said it was everybody’s fault but hers; it was all forced on her; she just wants to be an artist but she’s surrounded by money-hungry a—holes, and her monsters need to stick with her and let her be their goddess.

And now she’s laying the blame squarely at the feet of her recently fired manager, Troy Carter even though most music insiders say it failed because it was bad. Critics called the album a flop after it sold about 250,000 copies in its first week and dropped 82 % in its second week. She also ranted that the Terry Richardson-directed video “Do What U Want” with R. Kelly had been delayed, and that was also Carter’s fault, even though she fired him before ArtPop Flopped.

Here’s my take:  folks are now seeing Gaga for who she really is – a hot mess and a stunt queen. She’s costumes and posturing, and not a lot more. And she’s dumb enough to think that just because it says Lady Gaga means it’ll be a hit.

It won’t.

There have been rumors for months that Mariah Carey and Mariah Carey’s husband, Nick Cannon, are about to become Mariah Carey and Mariah Carey’s ex-husband, Nick Who?

Nick has been giving interviews for months now saying that he is basically a single father who does almost all of the parenting because it was beneath Mariah, and then he suddenly began walking that back when word got to Mariah, resting in her palace in the sky, far, far above mere mortals.

Now he says Mariah is a wonderful mother and actually sees her children every day, and have recently appeared on the cover of EBONY in which they talk about the life they apparently still share:

“It was early on when I found out how spiritual she was, and we had conversations about kids and how to live life. For her to share these values, it instantly let me know this is the person I’ve always wanted.”

And then Mariah, Maternal Mariah, shares this darling story:

”The other night I had on a ruby and diamond necklace and earrings… [My daughter] Ms. Monroe looked at me and said, ‘Where’s my necklace?’”

Oh yeah, that’s parenting. And I think Nick is just backtracking until he fulfills the money portion of his prenup.