The Funny Papers

RJ Matson, Nick Anderson, Chris Britt, Darrin Bell, David Fitzsimmons, Kevin Kallaugher, Bill Bramhall, Jack Ohman, David Horsey, Steve Benson, Michael de Adder, Clay Bennett

The Funny Papers

Pat Bagley, Jim,Morin, RJ Matson, Bart van Leeuwen, Clay Bennett, Michael de Adder, Nick Anderson, Jack Ohman, Darrin Bell, Scott Stantis, Mike Luckovich, Ed Wexler

The Funny Papers

David Horsey,Clay Bennett, Darrin Bell, Steve Breen, RJ Matson, Tim Campbell, Jim Morin, Adam Zyglis, Nick Anderson, Drew Sheneman, Michael de Adder, Jack Ohman

Bobservations

I walked into the kitchen this morning for breakfast and Carlos says:

“One of the cats puked but I can’t see it.”

Stupidly, I ask:

“Where?”

“By their food dishes, I think.”

I look; I see nothing; I tell Carlos he’s crazy. And then … whichever cat it was—and I blame Max—the puke-hairball wasn’t near their dishes, it was in a dish, and so it looked like food. I tell Carlos and because we have a hard and fast rule that I take care of what goes into the cats and he takes care of what comes out of them, he begins to clean the puke-hairball.

While singing ….

Never a dull moment.

If you ever thought the GOP was the party of Family Values … if you ever thought the GOP cared about anyone but themselves … if you ever thought the GOP doesn’t advocate violence, think on this …

Democrat Mark Kelly, a former NASA astronaut and Navy captain, is running for John McCain’s old Senate seat in Arizona, and the GOP does not like it. Actually, the chair of the Arizona Republican Party, one vile disgusting woman named Kelli Ward, an avid _____ supporter, is especially angry and disgusting.

You may recall that Mark Kelly  is married to former U.S. Representative Gabby Giffords, who nearly lost her life when she was shot in the head in an assassination attempt in 2011,so what Kelli Ward did is all the viler. She sent out a fundraising email to fight Mark Kelly’s campaign, in which she said this:

“Support the Republican Party of Arizona today and, together, we’ll stop gun-grabber Mark Kelly dead in his tracks.”

Stop him dead. And as most vile, NRA-ass-kissing lying hypocritical GOPers are apt to do, Kelli Ward swears up and down she meant no harm:

“Utterly ridiculous! I don’t wish harm on Mr. Kelly. We disagree politically on the Constitution and the [Second Amendment], and I’m well aware of the harm his policies would cause should he ever be elected. Dishonest stories like this are dangerous and irresponsible!”

Stop.Him.Dead.

Fuck off.

When bigot and homophobe Vice President Michael Elizabeth Pence recently went to Reykjavík, Iceland he was met with rainbow flags upon his arrival at Höfði House. In fact, Pride flags were flying all over Iceland when Pence and Mother arrived. An office block belonging to the IT company Advania changed all of its flags to Pride flags for Pence’s arrival.

Then he met with Iceland’s president, Guðni Jóhannesson, who reached out to shake Pence’s hand; Jóhannesson was wearing a rainbow bracelet.

From the look on Pence's face, you just know Mother was hissing, “Avert your eyes.”

Out of fear, no doubt, that Pence would bolt and seek asylum under a Pride flag.

Depending on whom you’re listening to, _____ either fired National Security Advisor John Bolton, or Bolton resigned.

Rumors first suggested Bolton bolted because of _____’s planned meeting with terrorists on the anniversary of 9/11, but rumors also suggest it was because Bolton wagged his tongue about _____’s suggestion that nuking a hurricane might stop it.

Seriously? I thought he said he only hired the best people.

PS In that photo, is Bolton making a gesture about size?

In news that warms my cold black heart, Jerry Falwell Jr is accusing a photography company of doctoring photos of him at a nightclub, drinking and dancing, which is against the rules of his ALLEGED university, but … the company has the receipts and is sharing them far and wide.

Liberty University is so conservative that they don’t allow students to drink, even if they live off-campus and they’re over 21. The school also considers it “improper social behavior” for students to interact with the opposite sex after dark or display any affection for one another beyond handholding.

Cut to Jerry and his son Trey cavorting, drinking and dancing after dark at WALL, a Miami nightclub, and clearly the Baby Jeebus has some questions. And when Politico licensed a photo from World Red Eye, which photographs nightlife in Miami and, oops, there he is … Jerry Falwell, partying like it’s 1999.

Falwell shrieked:

“There was no picture snapped of me at WALL nightclub or any other nightclub.”

Then World Red Eye  and Politico released the photos, which Falwell swears are “photoshopped”.

Oh Jerry. Between this and Pool Boy, you are clearly a lying hypocritical faux Christian; but then we already knew that.

UPDATE

Now that it’s proven the photos are real, Jerry Falwell says he was at that nightclub, but only for thirty minutes and only to listen to the music.

Quick note ... we've seen several deaths from people using Vape pens in recent weeks and the _____ Administration now wants to ban them.

As of August 31, 2019, some 297 mass shootings have occurred this year, with 1,219 people were injured and 335 murdered, but no action on gun control.

I guess we’re lucky the NRA doesn’t sell vape pens?

Adam McMahon. I don’t know much about him except that he’s a fitness model, and he’s been doing it for a very long time.

That, and the fact he makes me tingle … down there.

Just sayin’.

Bobservations

The other night Tuxedo and I were watching television when Carlos came into the room and joined us. We watched for a while and then it was time to go to bed. I do what I always do, pick Tuxedo up from my lap, give him smooches and ask if he’s ready for … well, it goes like this:

“Are you ready for sleeps? Do you want some sleeps? Let’s go sleeps.”

Carlos says:

“Are you talking to me?”

Yes, he thought for a hot minute that I, a grown-assed man—albeit a cat loving grown-assed man—would say to another grown-assed man:

“Are you ready for some sleeps? Do you want some sleeps? Let’s go sleeps.”

Oy. He kills me.

The other morning Lara Spencer and the Good Morning America team ridiculed news that Prince George was interested in pursuing ballet: Spencer said:

“Prince William says ‘Prince George absolutely loves ballet.’ I’ve got news for you, Prince William. We’ll see how long that lasts.”

And they all laughed because grown-ups, parents of children of their own mind you, find it high-larious in 20-effing-19 that a boy might like ballet, or maybe he’d grow up to be a little light in his loafers if allowed to dance.

Spencer was rightly dragged all over social media by male dancers who asked why in the world she would say such things and on Monday morning, she apologized and then had a sit down with three male dancers to sort of explain why she shouldn’t have said what she said.

Um, Lara? Because it’s 2019 and if boys want to dance, let ‘em. And if girls wanna play football, let ‘em. Save your gender bias for your own family.

Asshat. And as for the rest of you on GMA who laughed? Fuck you, too.

Pope Francis wants us all to pray for the fires in the Amazon to get under control … like politicians who send their prayers after mass shootings.

Forget the prayers. Howsabout asking for the world to take this fire, these fires, as seriously as they all took the fire at Notre Dame, because last I checked, the burning of that cathedral wasn’t affecting the entire planet.

I pray for world leaders to do something rather than pray. Okay, Frankie?

Marysville, Michigan  political newcomer and city council candidate,  Jean Cramer stunned an election forum last week by answering a question about the diversity of Marysville with this:

“Keep Marysville a white community as much as possible.”

Yes, she did. And, after others in the forum denigrated Cramer for her blatant racism, a reporter asked if she wanted to clarify her response:

“As long as, how can I put this? What Kathy Hayman [someone who spoke about having a biracial family] doesn’t know is that her family is in the wrong. (A) husband and wife need to be the same race. Same thing with kids. That’s how it’s been from the beginning of, how can I say, when God created the heaven and the earth. He created Adam and Eve at the same time. But as far as me being against blacks, no I’m not.”

She’s against anyone who isn’t white having anything to do with white people.

If you can see how this doesn’t make her a racist, point it out to men, please.

UPDATE: Cramer has dropped out of the race, proving that if you wanna get rid of a racist, shine a light on them and they'll scurry back under the dryer like a cockroach.

The Kansas City Health Department is facing backlash for pouring bleach on meals meant for the homeless earlier this month while citing issues related to how the food was prepared. 

Apparently, Free Hot Soup KC had intended to distribute food—home-cooked chili, foil-wrapped sandwiches and soup—to the homeless, but the city's health department confiscated the items at separate parks where the food was meant to be distributed. Officials claim the volunteer group did not have a permit and that the food was not prepared in approved kitchens, therefore deeming it a public safety risk. 

Okay, but wasn’t there any way to check the food, or check the kitchen where it was prepared before deciding to dump bleach on it?

Oh, and Free Hot Soup KC returned to that same park with meals on hand on Sunday and no health officials intervened in that gathering.

I guess they were all at church?

Vaping.

How does anyone with a brain firing on more than two cylinders truly think that sucking hot air into your lungs is a healthy alternative to smoking?

How stupid are we?

You ever wonder why _____ is always ranting about Chicago …. maybe it’s because Chicago will not let up on him.

Oh, too bad, so sad.

See, _____ billboards get vandalized as soon as they go up, the University of Illinois is in an uproar over his speaking engagement and now the Wiener's Circle, one of Chicago's best hot dog stands, is offering _____ his very own special menu item:

A 3-inch hot dog called the "_____ footlong." Wiener's Circle employees are also wearing hats that say "Make Wiener's great again."

I love you, Chicago.

Liars gonna lie … a viral clip from the G7 hit social media this week proving that not only does Melanie not speak French, but that she forgot she told everyone she could.

During a joint press conference between French President Emmanuel Macron and her husband, Macron spoke French for many long-form answers and Melanie, who we’ve been told speaks fluent French, needed the translation headset to understand Macron.

Or, maybe she was using it when her husband spoke to translate gibberish into nonsense?

And then, also at the G7, _____ claimed that Melanie has “gotten to know” North Korean leader Kim Jong Un even though everyone, even his own White House, admits the two have never met.

And then … CNN accused _____ of lying after reviewing photos from the G7 summit and determining that the White House ran cover for him not attending a climate change meeting.

Cuz his chair was empty during the meeting.

Truth be told, however, an empty chair was probably more useful in a climate change summit than _____.

Pretty soon it’ll be an empty house … Jerri Ann Henry, the executive director of Log Cabin Republicans, has resigned over the group’s endorsement of _____ for reelection.

Henry, who was the first woman to lead the LCR, submitted her resignation last Friday and left on Monday citing her discontent with _____ and dissatisfaction with LCR’s endorsement of him.

She joins Jennifer Horn, Robert Turner II, who once led LCR’s D.C. chapter, and Rachel Hoff, who gained notoriety during the 2016 Republican National Convention for arguing for LGBT inclusion in the Republican Party during the platform drafting process.

It looks like soon the LCR will be just delusional Log Cabin spokesman Charles Moran.

Sorry, not sorry.

Now for a palate cleanser … Hot Man, model and fitness instructor,  Trevor Michael Opalewski.

Sexy. Fit. Hot. Nekkid.

Okurrrrrr …