Snarky Thoughts

As if California doesn’t have a full court docket already, between the one-percenters and their thirst for watering their massive lawns in a drought, and Erika Girardi being sued again and again by almost everyone, Dancing With The Stars dancer, Cheryl Burke thought it would be the perfect time to take her ex-husband, Matthew Lawrence, to court and sue over custody of their French Bulldog, Ysabella.

My Thought: One-percenters are dumb.

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Rumor has it That Woman spent nearly $1,000 on edibles and got so high with daughter Khloé Kardastrophe and boyfriend caregiver Corey Gamble that she began playing peek-a-boo behind her napkin.

My Thought: The headline said That Woman Gets Stoned and it was the wrong kind of stoning for me.

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The ongoing saga of Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen‘s crumbling marriage can now be solved: it’s over. After pleading with her ego-centric husband for years to quit football and stay home with the family, Brady agreed and retired, and then promptly unretired, and now Gisele has hired a divorce lawyer and Tom is pissy.

My Thought: Check your giant ego at the door and realize you have a wife and children who might like to see you.

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Since she took Katy Perry off her Hate List, Taylor Swift has a lot of free time on her hands so what’s a tacky, second-rate “singer” songwriter to do? Go back and reignite an old feud from 2013 with Kanye West, with a side of Kim Kardastrophe, and issue a diss record top clap back ten years.

My Thought: Taylor? Honey? You’re a grown ass woman, not a sophomore in high school, so please act like it and move on. IT’S BEEN ALMOST TEN YEARS!!!!

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The theme for the 2023 Met Gala has been announced—c’mon, you know you care—and it’s a doozy: Karl Lagerfeld: A Line of Beauty.

My Thought: I imagine Anna Wintour, since she has the power, will have Lagerfeld’s body exhumed and place him front and center and no one will notice since, even alive, he looked like a corpse.

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Sharon Osbourne, the former “The Talk” co-host who was, agrees with Kanye West about Black Lives Matter being a “scam” and said she gave “$900,000 to [BLM] and like my money back please.”

My Thought: For someone who was fired from “The Talk” for looking and sounding like a racist, Sharon hasn’t learned her lesson.

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Snarky Thoughts

All right kids let’s make this queer: there is only one Cher, and there will always, only and ever be one Cher. I say this to the Twitterer who posted a clip of 27-year-old singer Dua Lipa and wrote:

“Dua Lipa, the Cher of our generation.”

And then Cher herself responded with:

“How many years are in a generation?”

My Thought: Come back in forty-five years if Dua Lipa is still recording and touring successfully or, failing that, come back when Dua Lipa has number one hits in six consecutive decades.

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There is nothing that can quench Madonna’s thirst for attention, but she wants everyone to know that she is obsessed with sex. Like she hasn’t said that every day since the late eighties, and even when she gave us a book that no one asked for called Sex. And then she also admitted that she regrets both her marriages, which must be lovely for the children she had with Guy Ritchie.

My Thought: Grandma needs a mental health day.

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Ozzy Osbourne revealed in a recent interview that he and his wife of 40 years Sharon Osbourne, plan to permanently move back to their native England in the next few months and that The U.S.’s political climate and frequent mass shootings are part of their reasoning.

My Thought: they’re moving back because Sharon’s big mouth has got her banned from TV in Americas and what else can she do?

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It turns out that video footage of JLo’s current wedding, where she performed at her own ceremony because, well, attention-seeking fame-whore, was leaked to the press, and JLo is steaming mad that someone would invade her privacy so.

My Thought: if it was all so personal and private, Jell-O, why did you sell the photos and the story and all kinds of intimate details to People magazine. Oh, wait, asked and answered:  attention-seeking fame-whore.

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Oh Stacey Dash, former actress, former Fox News bimbo, and Thing 45 lover, has made a fool of herself yet again, by posting a video of herself to TikTok where’s she crying over the death of DMX … who died of an overdose over a year ago.

My Thought: How is she going to react when she learns her career also died several years ago?

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Spring is about to be sprung, so what better time than this for Khloé Kardastrophe to unveil yet another new face?

This week Khloé showed off Face #3, er 5, um 8 in a series of Instagram selfies featuring her mother, That Woman—a woman also not afraid of any and every cosmetic procedure—and one Martha Stewart. Khloé  explained that her mother surprised her with lunch with “Queen Martha,” whom Khloé has always adored for her organization, her kitchen and landscaping skills, her love of animals and CBD, and the fact that she “ain’t no snitch.” 

Sounds like Khloé  threatened Martha not to look askance at the new face lest the public, well, the public with eyes, notice it, too. But then we have the group shot and while Khloé’s face has changed the most from what it was last year, and earlier, last year, and 2020, and then earlier in 2020, and in 2019, one cannot help but think of the procedures Marth and That Woman have endured.

It’s a veritable Botox-a-palooza!

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Ali Landry has been divorced from Mario Lopez since 2004, but I guess when you’ve got nothing else to talk about, you rehash a marriage that ended eighteen years ago. Oh, and the marriage that ended eighteen years ago lasted all of two weeks.

Ali claimed in a recent interview that Lopez started cheating on her just days after their wedding in a way, calling it a ‘Tiger Woods’ situation.” According to Landry’s interview on the Unfolding Leadership podcast, Lopez was a serial cheater, who was fooling around on her for the six years they dated, and then the fourteen days they were married.

Landry and Lopez met in 1998—two years after she won the 1996 Miss USA pageant—when she returned to commentate the 1998 pageant where Lopez was a presenter. The two began dating , and became engaged in 2003, and married in 2004. But a week into the marriage Landry says Mario’s Wandering Dick took over:

“Not even a week [after the wedding] I found out it was like a Tiger Woods situation. It was cheating across the board.”

Despite realizing shortly after their marriage that Lopez was cheating on her, Landry says she thanks God “every single day” for the revelation. But then why bring it up eighteen years later—which  is 468 times as long as the marriage—unless, … oh yeah, publicity.

Girl bye. Mario gets no pass for being a dog, but you gotta get over it.

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I love when Kirstie Alley Tweets because she is a hot mess. Now, I don’t get to actually see her Twitter feed because I once said something anti-Scientology to Kirstie, and she threw down her ham sandwich and blocked me.

So I need people like anti-Scientology warrior Leah Remini, whose Twitter feed I follow regularly, to keep me up on the Madness of Kirstie Alley, and with this war in Ukraine, well, Kirstie has stepped out of the shadows and into the shiz.

Last week Kirstie Tweeted, and then delete, about how she didn’t know “what’s real or what is fake in this war.” Seriously, that’s what she said, but when you consider what a ginormous MAGAt she is, it kinda makes perfect sense. But, in her Tweets, Kirstie said she would “pray” about this mess of which she knows nothing about, and Leah dragged her because Scientologists do not believe in gods and prayer and faith … unless it’s long-dead L. Ron Cult-Leader Hubbard. In a Twitter response, Remini shared a screenshot of Alley’s original Tweet and asked:

“So, [Kirstie Alley] can comment on things she knows nothing about like mental health, psychiatric drugs, and virology, but she won’t comment on Putin who is an evil tyrant? No comment about Russia invading Ukraine? The killing of innocent people? The displacement of Ukrainians? She has no comment on these crimes against humanity? But she’s going to pray. Scientologists aren’t allowed to believe in anything else other than Scientology. So who is she praying to?”

Remini then shared several screenshots that included Alley’s Tweets reacting to her former Dancing With the Stars partner Maks Chmerkovskiy, who also criticized her remarks. In the post, Remini said she doesn’t typically “like to make a habit of engaging with people like [Kirstie Alley],” she said that “Scientology banks on its horrific, criminal policies not being called out.” And that “Scientology thrives when people are silent. I won’t allow their threats to me or anyone else go un-answered.”

And then Leah, who has Less-Than-Zero Fucks to give Scientology and its cult members, Remini responded to Alley calling Chmerkovskiy a “punk ass” and then dubbed Alley and other “punk ass Scientology bitches” who play “brave on social media but can’t handle any real confrontation.” Remini noted that Chmerkovskiy was in Ukraine, “in a war zone and innocent people are dying. Pretending you pray to any God is sad. I wish you did. Stand by your own belief system which tells you there is no God.”

She ended by calling Alley “sophomoric, vitriolic, and all around hateful.”

Yeah, totally Team Ukraine and Team Leah here.

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After her comments regarding the Holocaust, Whoopi Goldberg came back to The View after her two-week suspension, and. Well, a lot of folks are wondering what Sharon Osbourne, booted from The Talk for her support of racist Piers Morgan, thinks about all this. And Sharon does not disappoint when asked if she’d ever return to The Talk: 

“I would never go back to that show because CBS sucks big time dick.”

Two things to note: The Talk will never have her back, and she’s no Whoopi Goldberg.

Take a seat, Sharon Karen.

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Kanye West Ye is continuing to do his best to make sure that divorcing Kim Kardastrophe is as brutal and unpleasant as being married to Kanye West Ye. Kim has filed twice to be declared officially single while she and Ye sort out their divorce issues, but he is continuing to deny her, tossing up roadblocks like asking for the transfer of assets to be frozen during the divorce. In one of Kim’s filings, she said that Ye’s batshit and obsessive social media posts, where he attacked her and her new boyfriend, Pete Davidson, caused her emotional pain but he wants her to prove he wrote those posts.

That might be hard because it’s not like there’s evidence of Ye rapping in his own voice about wanting to beat up Pete Davidson except, oh yeah, there is actual evidence of that! Still, Ye’s lawyer says that if Kim claims she read something online that was ALLEGEDLY written by Ye, and she calls it misinformation—AKA lies—then she needs to prove that.

Funnily enough, though, that Ye’s lawyer never says Ye didn’t write the posts, just that Kim needs to prove he did.

And if that isn’t bad enough, Ye is now coming for Kim’s Koins, because he claims their prenup may not be valid. Ye’s attorney says there’s a presumption in California that prenups signed after 2001 are invalid, and the only way they can be validated is either during a trial or if both parties agree, and Ye ain’t agreeing to anything Kim says these days.

Gosh, I hate when true love dies.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Lindsay Lohan’s back y’all, and she’s got new music! RUN!!!

I kid … or do I? Lindsay announced on social media that she’s dropping a new single entitled “Lullaby” and she’s going release it as an NFT, or non-fungible token on fansforever.io. NFTs are digital collectibles that ALLEGEDLY represent something unique.

Basically, an NFT is something digital that you pay for so you can have it, but people who don’t pay for it can still see it. And the idea that Lindsay Lohan thinks people will buy her caterwauling so they can brag about owning it, is the height of hilarity.

Let’s go back to what I said at the start: RUN!!!!

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Also on Social Media this week, Social Media Whore Chrissy Teigen has gone all Alec Baldwin on your ass and quit Twitter; again.

Chrissy posts about everything and always gets a little clap back from folks, but now it appears that she’s done with all that. In a series of exit tweets—why she didn’t just leave quietly speaks volumes—Chrissy explained she couldn’t handle the amount of hate she was getting. She said she loved the time she spent on Twitter and that she kind of owes her career[?] to being an unfiltered, outspoken Twitterer, but that her current experience is pretty much non-stop negativity, and she’s over it.

Goodbye! Foot stomp. But don’t fret, you can still find her on Instagram and TikTok and talk shows, where she has once again over shared … 

Appearing  on The Late Late Show with James Corden and playing a game of Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts, Chrissy says she and her husband, John Legend, had sex at the Democratic National Convention.

Wow; media whore still media whorin’.

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Come on, y’all saw this coming …it has been announced  that Piers Morgan’s BFF, Sharon Osbourne, has been kicked to the curb by CBS and The Talk losing it on her co-host Sheryl Underwood while defending Piers Morgan. 

Of course, because the rich get richer, Osbourne was handed a $10 million check on her way out … and she’s now saying it was her choice to leave.

Riiiiight. After defending Morgan’s ALLEGED racist rants about Meghan Markle, it also came to light that she once called former Talk co-hosts Holly Robinson Peete “ghetto” and said Leah Remini was a “wop” and called boss lady Julie Chen “slanty eyed.”

Sharon, of course, denies saying these racist things but perhaps ten million can buy her some soul searching.

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For a minute there, we were all afraid that true love had actually died because it looked like JLo and A-Rod were done.

But breathe … they’re back to sharing their love all over social media, and using it to hawk products like Goli vitamin gummies on Instagram.

Love conquers all …especially when you can make some coins off of it.

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First Lindsay, and now Gwyneth Paltrow is back, and she has yet another beauty routine which she is calling a “less is more” regimen.

Gwyneth starts each day with a nut milk and almond butter smoothie, and then rubs a coarse brush on her body to exfoliate and boost circulation, using GOOP’s wood-handled brush. She follows that up with Goopglow Microderm Instant Glow Exfoliator to slough off more dead skin cells. Then comes a few drops of Vintner’s Daughter Active Botanical Serum followed by Jillian Dempsey Hydrating Eye Masks. She also loves Jillian Dempsey’s Gold Sculpting Bar which is made from 24-karat gold and vibrates—it’s a face dildo. After reinvigorating her skin, Paltrow uses Weleda Skin Food, Goopglow Glow Lotion, Unsun Mineral Tinted Sunscreen, and Goopgenes Clean Nourishing Lip Balm, Westman Atelier Vital Skin Foundation Stick,  Olio E Osso Lip & Cheek Tinted Balm, Kosas The Big Clean Mascara and Ilia Balmy Gloss Tinted Lip Oil.

And the best part? Paltrow’s “less is more” routine will set you back over $900 so,  while it’s marketed as simple, it’s not for you paupers.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Sharon Osborne is one of those faux-celebrities—you wouldn’t even know her name if she wasn’t Missus Ozzy Osbourne—that seem to think she comes off as just regular people like you and me.

She doesn’t.  Appearing on the Christmas special of the BBC show Would I Lie To You?, Sharon was tasked with telling a story and the other team would guess if her story was true or not; she says this is true:

“I once sacked a member of my staff because he showed absolutely no sense of humor during a house fire.”

Here’s what happened. Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne started a fire in their mansion via an unattended candle, and, well, since she wouldn’t put all her plastic surgery at risk going back into the house to save her art collection, she sent in her assistant. He suffered smoke inhalation and when paramedics arrived, she ALLEGEDLY ripped the oxygen mask off his face and used it on her dog while ordering the assistant back inside the burning house.

Later, as she and Ozzy laughed about the whole thing, the assistant was not amused, and Missus Faux-Celebrity said:

“If you don’t think that’s funny, do you think this is funny? You’re fired.”

And, again, she swears that’s a true story. My Christmas wish is that the sacked employee gets a copy of the show and sues her ignorant ass for all she’s worth.

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This’ll be a short one.

Zac Efron was filming his new reality series in Papua New Guinea when he ALLEGEDLY contracted a “deadly illness” and had to be med-flighted to a hospital in Australia.

The name of Zac’s new series? 

Killing Zac Efron.

You cannot make this shiz up.

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If you’re a celebrity, your every little move is noticed and recorded, and so when you try to play fast and loose with your personal history, well, it’s not a good look.

Case in point: actress Michelle Williams. It appears that People Magazine recently did a piece on Williams and her pregnancy, and engagement to Hamilton director Thomas Kail and glossed over the fact that right about the time of the unprotected sexual contact resulting in the pregnancy both Williams and Kail were married to other people.

That omission led tabloid-ologists to speculate that the Williams’ camp gave the exclusive to People on the condition that they not mention the overlaps in relationships and getting knocked up.

Thomas Kail directed 5 of the 8 episodes of Fosse/Verdon, which began filming in November 2018. Michelle’s divorce from musician Phil Elverum came in April 2019, right about the same time Kail left his wife, actress Angela Christian.

That leaves a lot of wiggle room for some hot unprotected sex with someone other your spouse.

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Lock up your liquor cabinets and hide the car keys, Lohan is coming home to America.

During their New Year’s Eve special for CNN, Lindsay Lohan warned Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen that 2020 will have her coming back to the US. And then she said, again, and again, and then again, that she has a new film in the works and will also be managing her sister Ali’s music career.

Lohan can’t even manage to keep a car out of a ditch or her ass on a bar stool and she’s gonna manage someone else’s career?

Like I said, lock your doors and hide the keys.

Lohan is back. ALLEGEDLY.

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There could be no better way to ring in the New Year than by seeing Sandra Bernhard toss out the old snark and bring in the new.

The actress and comedian poked “good natured” fun at designer Donna Karan’s pricey Urban Zen store during her “Sandy’s Holiday Extravaganza: A Decade of Madness and Mayhem” show at Joe’s Pub.

“Karan met us with global love ideas and her sweeping new coffee table book, ‘African Twilight.’ There’s nothing more heartwarming at the holidays than stories about overprivileged children now in their 50s carting off rare artifacts from their parents’ house. I’ve had it up to here with white ladies and their foundations in Africa!”

A dig at gal pal Madge? Hmmmmm.

Then she unleashed other fabulous Bernhard bon mots:

“Like the Dalai Lama said . . . the closing of Barneys is one of the greatest tragedies of mankind.”

And riffed on selling her Studio City home:

“[It’s] right around the corner from Hortense. Is that Hortense? No, she’s always that way.”

She’ll be there all week.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lot’s to get through today, so I’ll keep the snark as short as possible …

So, we all know that a then-married-to-someone-else Tori Spelling hooked up with a then-married-to-someone-else Dean McDermott to do the Mattress Mambo and then left their respective spouses, married one another and had eight or so kids of their own. 

And we know that once a cheater always a cheater, so it was no surprise that Dean ALLEGEDLY kept the Mattress Mambo going with several other women — including the aptly named Emily Goodhand — during his marriage until those stories broke.

Now Dean has admitted himself to rehab for sex addiction because it was rehab or Tori was leaving … or taking it to Bravo and pitching it as a reality show … even though she has ALLEGEDLY known all about his Canadian Schtupping Trips for years.

Dean, for his part, has released a statement about not being able to keep his dick in his pants:

“I am truly sorry for the mistakes I have made and for the pain I’ve caused my family. I take full responsibility for my actions and have voluntarily checked myself into a treatment center to address some health and personal issues. I am grateful to be getting the help I need so I can become the husband and father my family deserves.”

But then it gets juicier … Apparently Tori hired a private eye to spy on Dean who came back to report that Dean has been, um, skimming money out of their accounts — which explains the lack of vasectomy money she was whining about a few months back — and the PI also reported that, wait for it, Dean has been cheating on Tori with multiple partners …

… of both sexes.

Now that’s a show for Bravo!

More on The Biebs following his arrest:

It looks like the DUI charges are being dropped because the Miami police bungled the numbers Go figure … Miami police. And it looks like the drag racing charges are being dropped because, you guessed it, the Miami police f**ked that up, too.

But here’s what we do know …

While Miss Justine was grinning like a douchebag in that mugshot, her demeanor while in custody is quite different. It’s been said that Bieber was “still under the influence” and “giggling like a teenage girl” while in custody, but as she sobered up and realized there was no one there to change her diaper she began sobbing and “crying his eyes out.”

Add to that, Bieber’s lady friend — code for call girl stripper — Chantel Jeffries, who was in the car when Miss Justine was arrested, had quite the arrest record herself. She’s been arrested five times, including once for speeding and once for misdemeanor assault with a deadly weapon when she stabbed another woman in the arm during a fight. Plus, Chantal is also the one who, ALLEGEDLY, is selling Bieber stories to the press, so we gotta thank her for that.

Justine’s mommy,  Pattie Mallette, is extremely worried about her toddler. It seems Justin never calls, rarely sends a check, and has added his daddy, Jeremy, to his posse; in fact, it seems ti was Daddy Jeremy who blocked off the street for JuBiebs Drag Race. 

And it seems The Biebs has turned on mommy; when cops asked what substances he took before his arrest, baby Biebs admitted to alcohol and weed, and added that he was also on prescription drugs, but he didn’t know what kind “because he just takes whatever his mom Pattie gives him.”

Scooter Braun — yes, a grown man named Scooter — who is Miss Thang’s agent blames everyone else other than his Toddler Paycheck for Justin’s troubles: 

“Everyone around him is urging him to seek help. There is massive concern right now. The concern is, we have to figure this out. We have to fix this and do whatever it takes. They think the problem is the people he is hanging out with. He has some issues to work on. Lil Za, Milk and Lil Twist are particularly bad influences on him.”

I think it might be the other way around. Justine is the bad influence on his friends, and his mommy and daddy.

Who knew that Rihanna and Lena Dunham were in a Girl Fight?

Well, it seems it all started when, after Rihanna got back together with Chris Brown after he beat the crap out of her, Lena said in an interview: 

“She’s had this amazing career. And then she gets back together with Chris Brown and posts a million pictures of them smoking marijuana together on a bed. And it cracks my heart in half.”

That chapped Rihanna’s hide, so when it came to be that Lena — one of the producers of her HBO show Girls — wanted to use Rihanna’s “Talk That Talk” in an episode RiRi was pleased as Rum Punch to say, “F**k no.”

And now RiRi, who never met a grudge she didn’t want to hold forever — except for Chris Brown who bashed her face in and she forgave him — she has told her peeps she wants to be at the next event Lena goes to so she can go off on her in person.

Girl fight.

Oh, this breaks my heart — he said while giggling feverishly — but the new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, which just debuted last week opposite football, Downton Abbey, Sherlock Holmes and The Good Wife, has taken a nose-dive in the ratings; like it's down a half million fewer viewers than last year.

Apparently people complained that the premiere was a major downer because it focused on That Woman and Bruce’s separation and Khloe and Lamar’s marriage drama — and no one other than That Woman likes to watch That Woman on TV. But the real problem seems to be that the Kardastrophes don’t realize they are just gossip and not real celebrities when they aren’t doing something interesting like getting knocked up by a rapper while still legally married to your husband of 72 days.

Now that’s TV, not That Woman and her drag queen husband, or the sister and her crackhead husband.

It doesn’t pay to piss off Sharon Osbourne; unless you’re wearing protective clothing.

At last weekend’s annual Clive Davis pre-Grammy party Sharon Osbourne got into a motherf**ker of a fight with Jonah Hill’s brother, Jordan Feldstein during dinner. And it got so bad, so fast, that Missus O started throwing food and water, and anything she could get her hands on, at Feldstein before he finally ran off.

Now, it’s no secret Sharon Osbourne has a bad temper but that she would start throwing food and drink — especially drink … what a waste of booze — at anyone while at a party is all kinds of crazy. But rumor has it that Missus O’s daughter, Kelly, was arguing with Feldstein at his table, pointing fingers and assaying all kinds of English things. Then, suddenly, a plate of food was flipped onto Jordan and he got up to walk away and so Sharon hurled a glass of water at him.

While the cause of the friction is still a mystery, the Osbournes have ALLEGEDLY had a long-running feud with Feldstein. It’s all very Real Housewives of New Jersey—they were a minute away from a table flip!

The Queen is BROKE.

The Queen is down to her “last” million because her “advisors” have overspent to such an extent that her reserve fund has fallen from £35 million in 2001 to just £1 million today; a report by the Commons public accounts committee found that the advisors failed to control her finances and allowed the royal palaces to “crumble”.

Both Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle are reported to be in urgent need of repair, with the staff running around with buckets whenever it rains to protect art and antiquities, while the Queen’s old boilers — no, not Camilla — were contributing to bills of £774,000 a year.

Still, let’s not clutch our pearls and act like the Queen is down to her last million; she's not. She's still worth an estimated 500 million so put away your airline tickets, there ain’t gonna be no garage sale at Buckingham Palace … this week.

So, last week we talked about Lindsay Lohan jetting from London to the Sundance film festival in Utah to hold a press conference “announcing” her new project. 

What’s unusual is that most folks don’t go to Sundance to promote a film that has no money, no script, and hell, not even a real star, Also, why have a press conference when you don’t answer questions from the press like, Who’s you john? Is Oprah footing your globe-trotting? 

Still, Lohan says her new film is called Inconceivable, and she was joined by one of the film’s producers, who spoke as if he had this film was the Second Coming ...of the first time Lindsay blew him. ALLEGEDLY.

So, what’s the problem? Well, it seems that the money behind this “film” is soaked in blood and cocaine because the producers — Randall Emmett and George Furla — are a pair of convicted cocaine dealers who are accused of orchestrating a contract killing in Moscow.

Lindsay. Cocaine. Mob hits. It’s just another day in the Life of Lohan.

Let’s time travel back to the good old days of 2005. Shall we?

In 2005, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston split, and Brangelina became a household name.

In 2005, Cocaine Kate Moss was photographed doing lines of white powder in a London club.

In 2005, Daniel Craig went from being Daniel who? To Bond, James Bond.

In 2005, Jude Law went from dating Sienna Miller to being dumped by Sienna Miler because he was schtupping his kids’ nanny.

In 2005, right after the story broke in 2005 about NannyBangingGate, Sienna was seen out and about with Daniel Craig, though the pair claimed to be “just friends.”

Now, let’s jump forward to 2013 and this week when Jude Law testified in the ongoing News of the World hacking trial today and brought up the whole Miller-Craig “friendship.”

During the trial, Law was present to testify about an October 2005 story that revealed then-girlfriend Miller was cheating on him with Daniel Craig. Well, Jude says it was all true, even though he says he just learned about the affair last August when he found out a family member had been leaking information to News of the World.

Jude testified that he had called Craig to “remonstrate” — to to disagree and argue or complain — him about banging Sienna, and Jude also said he told Daniel that he needed to come clean. Granted, this is supposed to be a story about how awful it is that someone in Jude’s family was selling stories about him to the press, but on a gossip level … ?

Sienna and Daniel Craig were banging, and Daniel and Jude’s friendship fell apart because of it. Sienna eventually made her way back to Jude and Daniel went back to his girlfriend at the time.

But it makes me laugh about Jude taking Daniel Craig to task for banging his girlfriend while Jude was banging his kids’ nanny at the same time; and it makes me laugh that Jude’s marriage to his baby mama broke up because he was banging Sienna Miller.

Jude needs to be “remonstrate” for all the banging he did.

That Woman wants the marriage of her demon-spawn, Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe to Kanye Kloseted West, to be sold and televised on E! just like Kim’s last wedding, you, know, the one that lasted a hot minute. But, as happens when you’re an offspring/moneymaker for That Woman, the idea is being put forth by Kim.

Yes, it seems Kim Kardastrophe really wants her wedding to Kanye to be televised on E! only this time it'll be better, and forever[?] because it'll be in Paris and Kanye's veryclosefriend Riccardo Tisci will design her gown; so wait, the boyfriend designs a wedding gown for his lover’s bride? ALLEGEDLY.

And it looks like it’ll happen. Yes, even though Kanye loathes photographers and intrusions into his life, he will succumb to the needs of his fame-hungry Baby Mama and her media-whoring mother, That Woman.

Kim ALLEGEDLY persuaded Kanye to let the cameras roll because E! will pick up most of the cost of the wedding and security, keeping out intrusive photographers or guests with cell phones. Plus, it’s all about ratings for that family, who’d sell out the death of a loved one if it garnered a larger percentage of the audience.

I won’t be watching the wedding, but I will be waiting for the split, about 73 days in ….

Back in 2011 Hugh Grant knocked up a woman named Tinglan Hong who gave birth to his daughter, Tabitha Grant, later that year. Rumor said it was a one-night schtup, where Hugh hooked up with a stranger and had unprotected sex which resulted in a lifelong paycheck for Mommy. Hugh bought Tinglan a new house and completely supports her, but does not live with her; he does, glad to report, spend a great deal of time with his daughter. But it seems like Hugh, while not being in love with Tinglan, does like to bang her because in 2012 she gave birth to Hugh’s second child, a son, Felix Chang Hong Grant.

And life went on with Baby Mama and her two Little Paydays until … Hugh Grant knocked up another woman, roughly about the same time he knocked up Tinglan for the second time.

It seems last September Hugh welcomed a second son, Hugh John Mungo Grant, but this time with Swedish TV producer Anna Elisabet Eberstein. The baby was born just three months before the birth of his second child with Tinglan.

Oh, so Hugh banged Anna, sperminated her with child, and then went to baby sit Tabitha, and while there he banged Tinglan again and sperminated her with a son. And now he’s bought Anna a lovely home and visits often to care for his son.

I think a couple of things:

A] Hugh really needs to learn about condoms, and …

2] Hugh should buy just one mansion to house his Baby Mama’s and offspring. I mean, why pay three mortgages?

So, it looks like the end of the Kanye To The Rescue beatdown of an 18-year-old is coming to an end.

Back-story: Kim Kardastrophe was in some sort of medical complex and a teenager tried to talk to her. When Kim basically told the kid to back off a little, the kid began screaming obscenities and racial slurs at her. Kim called Kanye, who raced over in his White Pradas and beat the crap out of the kid.

Kim wanted to sue because she thought the kid wanted to kill her and the kid wanted to sue because Kanye’s a bitch.

Well, the kid won. Kanye will pay him $250,000 in an out-of-court settlement, and yet the DA is till pondering filing charges against Kanye for the attack—and we all know that’ll never happen.

Moral of the Story: If you’re a big-assed media whore and feel unsafe ask for help, but don’t call your boyfriend who has a habit of attacking people for little or no reason.

Moral # 2: Get to California, call Kim a name, let Kanye smack you around a bit, and then wait for the check to clear.

Okay, so I give Madonna props for being a legend, for being an incredible artist whose career has spanned decades, who changed the world of pop music forever and offered provocative cultural shifts unlike any we’d seen ... blahblahblah

But, she’s also a media whore who will do anything to stay relevant and in the news.

Like referring to her white son as #disn***a as a term of endearment, and wearing a gold grill to the Grammys to piss people off because that’s what she said about it.

Madge told Miss Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet of the Grammys:

“Yeah, I’m grillin’. It pisses everybody off when I wear my grill, so that’s why I wear it. I wear it when I don’t have to eat. Actually, I’ve learned to eat with my grill in.”

So she does things to piss people off and then says she does things to piss people off because that’ll piss people off and they’ll talk about her.

Madonna needs to take a seat, or as Nelly told TMZ:

“Madonna fucked up. She needs to get her shit right.”