I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Lindsay Lohan’s back y’all, and she’s got new music! RUN!!!

I kid … or do I? Lindsay announced on social media that she’s dropping a new single entitled “Lullaby” and she’s going release it as an NFT, or non-fungible token on fansforever.io. NFTs are digital collectibles that ALLEGEDLY represent something unique.

Basically, an NFT is something digital that you pay for so you can have it, but people who don’t pay for it can still see it. And the idea that Lindsay Lohan thinks people will buy her caterwauling so they can brag about owning it, is the height of hilarity.

Let’s go back to what I said at the start: RUN!!!!

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Also on Social Media this week, Social Media Whore Chrissy Teigen has gone all Alec Baldwin on your ass and quit Twitter; again.

Chrissy posts about everything and always gets a little clap back from folks, but now it appears that she’s done with all that. In a series of exit tweets—why she didn’t just leave quietly speaks volumes—Chrissy explained she couldn’t handle the amount of hate she was getting. She said she loved the time she spent on Twitter and that she kind of owes her career[?] to being an unfiltered, outspoken Twitterer, but that her current experience is pretty much non-stop negativity, and she’s over it.

Goodbye! Foot stomp. But don’t fret, you can still find her on Instagram and TikTok and talk shows, where she has once again over shared … 

Appearing  on The Late Late Show with James Corden and playing a game of Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts, Chrissy says she and her husband, John Legend, had sex at the Democratic National Convention.

Wow; media whore still media whorin’.

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Come on, y’all saw this coming …it has been announced  that Piers Morgan’s BFF, Sharon Osbourne, has been kicked to the curb by CBS and The Talk losing it on her co-host Sheryl Underwood while defending Piers Morgan. 

Of course, because the rich get richer, Osbourne was handed a $10 million check on her way out … and she’s now saying it was her choice to leave.

Riiiiight. After defending Morgan’s ALLEGED racist rants about Meghan Markle, it also came to light that she once called former Talk co-hosts Holly Robinson Peete “ghetto” and said Leah Remini was a “wop” and called boss lady Julie Chen “slanty eyed.”

Sharon, of course, denies saying these racist things but perhaps ten million can buy her some soul searching.

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For a minute there, we were all afraid that true love had actually died because it looked like JLo and A-Rod were done.

But breathe … they’re back to sharing their love all over social media, and using it to hawk products like Goli vitamin gummies on Instagram.

Love conquers all …especially when you can make some coins off of it.

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First Lindsay, and now Gwyneth Paltrow is back, and she has yet another beauty routine which she is calling a “less is more” regimen.

Gwyneth starts each day with a nut milk and almond butter smoothie, and then rubs a coarse brush on her body to exfoliate and boost circulation, using GOOP’s wood-handled brush. She follows that up with Goopglow Microderm Instant Glow Exfoliator to slough off more dead skin cells. Then comes a few drops of Vintner’s Daughter Active Botanical Serum followed by Jillian Dempsey Hydrating Eye Masks. She also loves Jillian Dempsey’s Gold Sculpting Bar which is made from 24-karat gold and vibrates—it’s a face dildo. After reinvigorating her skin, Paltrow uses Weleda Skin Food, Goopglow Glow Lotion, Unsun Mineral Tinted Sunscreen, and Goopgenes Clean Nourishing Lip Balm, Westman Atelier Vital Skin Foundation Stick,  Olio E Osso Lip & Cheek Tinted Balm, Kosas The Big Clean Mascara and Ilia Balmy Gloss Tinted Lip Oil.

And the best part? Paltrow’s “less is more” routine will set you back over $900 so,  while it’s marketed as simple, it’s not for you paupers.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I learned a loooong time ago that you don’t fu— mess with Naomi Campbell. I mean, I still have a cell phone dent in my melon from pissing her off.

So, I pity Naomi’s ex-boyfriend, billionaire Valdislav Doronin, who left her for Knaomi-Knockoff Luo Zilin. I pity him because he is asking for all the money that he ALLEGEDLY lent to Naomi during their five years together.

Naomi and Vlad dated from 2008 to 2013, and just now, seven years later, he wants his coins back? Сука пожалуйста … Russian for, ‘Bitch, please.’ It’s a good thing that Vlad is rich, because he’s gonna need extra security now that he’s pissed off The Diva.

Vladislav filed the lawsuit against Naomi, claiming that she has refused to pay back the money he loaned her—though he cannot remember how much he gave her—and is keeping some of his “personal property” that he ALLEGES is worth about $3 million.

One thing he’s not asking to be returned is the house, in the shape of the Eye of Horus, on Cleopatra Island in Turkey that he gave her.

Vlad better keep one eye open when he sleeps because, as I said, you don’t fu— mess with Naomi.

Ev.Er.

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Publishing house Harper Collins is suing Lindsay Lohan for nearly $400,000, claiming the actress never delivered a manuscript for a book deal struck over six years ago.

Seriously? You gave Lohan 400K six years ago and expected her to write a book? I once gave her four bucks to read a book and I’m still waiting.

At any rate, according to the lawsuit, Lohan and her company Crossheart Productions, entered into a contract with HarperCollins in 2014 for a book that was originally due a year later. The publishing house gave Crossheart a $365,000 advance for the deal which “was given to Lohan,” but the manuscript—about her 2013 stint in rehab--never materialized, even after she was given a two-year extension on the deadline.

Oh Harper Collins, the only book Lindsay is capable of writing is how she can get a publishing house to give her nearly half-a-million dollars to write a book … and then never write it.

 And that 400K is long gone …probably in Twizzlers and vodka.

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Ellen DeGeneres’ talk show is premiering later this month and will apparently start the new season with Ellen trying to dig herself out of the massive hole her ego and ALLEGED meanness have gotten her into. The first show back will be September 21, without a studio audience, because we’re still in the middle of a pandemic and Ellen don’t like no Booing.

She is set, again ALLEGEDLY, to discuss the ALLEGATIONS of foul behavior of her former senior production team—Kevin Leman, Ed Glavin, and Jonathan Norman—and ALLEGATIONS that she’s a cold unfeeling shrew to her staff and crew, that she knew employees were treated like shit and did nothing about it, and that she ALLEGELY tried to save a few coins by filming the show at one of her seven LA mansions using a non-union crew.

And this all comes with the newest stories that working in one of Ellen’s many homes is also a nightmare. A source, who claims to have worked at one of Ellen and Portia de Rossi's many homes, ALLEGES that Ellen is a nightmare to work for, hyper-demanding and extremely picky. Ellen would be set off by a misplaced saltshaker, or the amount of foam in her latter, and would start each morning giving her staff a list of complaints from the previous day:

“Sometimes she would yell at us, but it was more about the incredibly condescending tone she would use. She treated you like you were nothing. She was going to torture you and you were just going to sit there and listen to it because you were being paid. Ellen was the worst person that I’ve ever met in my life. She takes pleasure in firing people. Before I took the position, people were warning me not to take it.”

It sounds like Ellen’s first show back isn’t going to be all comedy and dancing, but more apologizing and bowing and scraping.

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Lastly some loooong overdue Good News …

After infesting the airwaves for what feels like an eternity in Hell, but has really been Lucky 13 years, Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes is Kancelled!

Oh, don’t despair, that Klan will be back. They just realized they could make many more Koins on some streaming service and told E! to kiss their ginormous asses. I mean, c’mon, it takes a lot of money to keep them in Botox and fillers and Cher’s old Las Vegas showgirl costumes.

Plus, there’s that whole Deal with the Devil that That Woman made thirteen years back and clearly Satan has come a’callin’ for his Koins.

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Money can’t buy happiness, or so some folks say, but apparently it can by your daughter an NAACP Image award … if you’re Blue Ivy and your parents are famewhores Jay-Z and Beyoncé.

Yes, Blue Ivy won an award for … wait for it, it’s epic and shady and quite the joke … for Songwriting and Singing!

At last week’s 51st annual NAACP Image awards Beyoncé received a music win for “Outstanding Duo, Group or Collaboration” for the song “Brown Skin Girl”, which features vocals from Blue Ivy so she, too, won an award.

It looks like another awards show that will do anything to get Beyoncé to show up.

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Lindsay Lohan is busy. I mean, she’s managing her sister’s career, she host events at nightclubs—or she’s a hostess at Applebee’s, I forget—and she’s a panelist on Masked Singer Australia, and now Lindsay has wormed her way to her best and favorite career … no, not call girl or drug mule … as an actor!

According to the Hollywood Reporter, my BFF Lohan is in the final rounds of negotiations to star in her next big feature entitled Cursed …which is not the story of her career thus far. The film is set to star Mickey Rourke and will be a supernatural thriller directed by Steven Monroe who directed the 2010 remake of the cult horror classic and twelve-time Oscar winning film … I kid … I Spit on Your Grave. 

Starring Lohan, it might be retitled I Spit on Your Career.

Mickey will play a famous psychiatrist who has to team up with Lindsay’s character … a police detective … wait, is it a comedy? … to try and stop crazed psychiatric patient … a role written for Lindsey though she passed on it … from killing five people held hostage in a remote house.

Sounds horrifying.

You know, cuz it may star Lohan and Rourke.

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You know a show about wannabees trying to become famous singers has jumped the shark when they stage an emergency and hire quite possibly the most horrible actress—only her singing is worse—to act the part of victim.

Apparently …ALLEGEDLY … there was a gas leak on the set of American Idol a while back and Katy Perry chose to use that moment to create an audition tape.

In that episode, Katy complains about smelling gas; the script went like this:

Katy: “Do you guys smell gas? It’s pretty intense!”

Luke Bryan: “We’re getting heavy propane.”

Katy: “I have a slight headache from it … Oh, it’s bad, it’s really bad.”

Sirens go off! Contestants are rushed from the room! Ryan Seacrest hides behind women and children!

Katy, to a group of firefighters standing around her: “I’m not feeling good.”

And she falls, daintily to the ground, throwing a leg up as she does so.

And the Oscar goes to ….the firefighters who struggled not to laugh as Katy feigned her ‘illness’.

Seriously.

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When last we left-unhappily-married-for-twelve-days Jon Peters and Pamela Anderson, we learned that he wasn’t keen on the idea of having a media whore for a wife so he texted d-i-v-o-r-c-e- to her and that was that. Seventy-four-year-old Jon said he wanted to live a quiet live and …

He dumped 52-year-old  Anderson and ran back to his 34-year-old ex-girlfriend, ‘actress’ Julia Faye West, the woman he was engaged to until Pammy came along.

Jon and Pamela got married on January 20 and were done by Groundhog’s Day when Punxsutawney Phil came out, saw his shadow and told Jon the marriage was over.

Sources—Pamela Anderson—say the “marriage” ended because Jon was very controlling and didn’t like Pamela hustling for Jasmin.com. Other sources—Jon—say Pamela dumped him after he paid her debts, totaling $200,000.

And that makes Pammy mad:

“I don’t need anyone to pay my bills. I own a $10-million-dollar house in Malibu Colony!”

Foot stomp; she told him.

Anyway, now Jon is once again back in the arms of Julia Faye West, the co-star of   Reality Queen!, alongside acting titans Denise Richards and Mike Tyson.

Julia, like Pamela, has a “passion for animal welfare,” and has “rescued countless animals.” She’s also an author of books that “emphasize positivity and self-esteem.” She is “enjoying a spirited journey into all aspects of wellness” and described her ideal man as “a perfectly imperfect human being who loves me like I’m a rose in full bloom with him.”

It looks like Peters broke up with a 34-year-old version of Pamela Anderson for Original Recipe Anderson, and then got back together with the reboot.

Okurrrrr ….

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Last week Beyoncé performed at the Kobe and Gianna Bryant Celebration of Life at the Staples Centre in LA and, well, this happened …

While photographers were allowed at the event, Beyoncé’s “team”—minions—banned all of them from taking pictures of her while she was performing because, as we remember from her 2013 Superbowl Halftime show, she gets the ugly on when she sings. And when photos from that event turned up on the internet, Beyoncé’s team minions tried to have them banned from the internet!

Get over yourself. You’re a lip-syncing weave in a wind tunnel.

PS Here are those photos Bey tried to ban …

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What do you do if you’re a Lohan and you’ve been arrested for DUI?

And what do you do if you’re another Lohan and you get arrested for DUI?

Well, if you’re Lindsay’s Mama, Dina Lohan, and if you’re Lindsay’s Step-Mama, Kate Major Lohan, you move in together.

Serious. Dina and Kate are now full-on living together and commiserating over their terrible 2020s.

Dina was arrested for driving under the influence after she hit and run a parked car at an Outback Steakhouse. Naturally, she denies being drunk and claims police brutality—the police stopped her from drinking, I’m guessing, and it was brutal—Kate was also arrested for drunk driving—with a BAC of 0.24—after an anonymous tipster Michael Lohan notified police. And the next day Michael was arrested for ALLEGEDLY choking Kate and he says she was just getting back at him for the snitch.

So now, Dina and Kate have admitted to being white trash low-life’s and have decided to share expenses … cuz liquor and Uber don’t come cheap, y’all.

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Look, I get that the coronavirus is nothing to sneeze at …bad pun …. Nothing to laugh at, but even a global pandemic has its upside:

There is an outbreak of the virus in Venice, Italy production has been shut down on the seventh Mission: Impossible movie.

Like I said, silver linings…always look for the silver lining.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I loathe Taylor Swift, but then I read this, and while I still loathe her, I found it funny, narcissistic, and just plain ridiculous.

I also loathe Justin Bieber, but then I read this, and while I still loathe himr, I found it funny, narcissistic, and just plain ridiculous

Rumor has it that Swifty tried to have Justin Bieber and his entourage kicked out of the Dogpound Gym in West Hollywood so she could work out in private. Her request was denied.

Anyway, Justin was “working out” when Swifty showed up for her work-out with a trainer—which was mostly just posing while people tried to make her look interesting—and she wanted the gym shut down for her personal private use only. And everyone—including the Biebs—was told to vamoose because Taylor had an appointment.

Well, Justin pipsqueaked up and said he was going to finish his “work out” and then and only then would he leave. And Justin, who did not have an appointment, finished and left and Taylor got in her “work out.”

Wow, who to pick in this scuffle … which side to take … Oh yeah, I’m #TeamNoOne.

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While the old adage that there’s a sucker born every minute was proven true once more now that GOOP’s coochie candles sold out, we know that one Martha Stewart never bought one and never will.

On a recent Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Martha opened up an enormous can of shade about Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest attention beg:

“I’m sure it’s sold out. She does that kind of irritating … she’s trying to zhush up the public to listen to her. And that’s great, I mean, let her do her thing. I wouldn’t buy that candle.”

And when Andy Cohen asked Martha what it said about America that people were buying a candle that smelled of GOOP cooch, Martha said:

“I think it’s just a lot of guys who are horny.”

Buy a GOOP Cooch Candle™, grab some lube and tissues and have a tug, eh Martha?

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While we’re all waiting for that new Adele album to drop, there’s some other new music you might wanna get your paws on. After months of teasing the public, Lindsay Lohan has let fans … Fans? Plural? … know that her newest album will be out at the end of next month.

Get in line now, it’s sure to sell out faster than Lindsey’s Vagina Candle which smelled of weed and Stoli and bar mats.

While we know that Lohan signed with a record label last June … ALLEGEDLY …  and she did release a new single, the “wildly” popular …at least with Lohans … Xanax, last September, here we are, a month into the New Year and where’s the album, LiLo?

Lindsay let the 700 people who follow her on WorldofLindsayLohan know that her newest album is dropping in February. 

She didn’t say what year, however, so maybe don’t get in line just yet.

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What? She fooled us? She wasn’t a spoiled drunken stupid party girl, but rather a simple girl with simple needs all this time?

Apparently so, because … wait for it, it’s rich or at least it pretends to be … Paris Hilton now claims her whole life up until right this minute was an act! At least that’s what she’s claiming in the upcoming documentary This Is Paris, and she is out pushing this thing with all kinds of revelations:

“I’ve never done anything like this in my life. In this film, I discuss things I’ve never discussed before. I hope that people are going to see who I truly am.”

A shallow vapid useless splotch of DNA? Honey, we already knew that.

But Paris swears the documentary follows her in “real life,” and that, well, let’s have her say because every time I try I start laughing so hard I can’t type:

“It follows me in my real life, everything I’ve done before was me playing a character. I was talking about things that are very hard to talk about. It was an amazing experience but it was very scary. I was freaking out.”

Paris also swears she was in on the “joke” that she was some dimwitted blond dye job with no discernible intellect or talent or use.

This Is Paris will debut on YouTube in May—so you know it’s the truth—and afterwards Paris will begin working in soup kitchen in South Central while getting a Masters in Social Work, opening up her Beverly Hills manse to immigrant refugees, and donating a lung to a needy child.

Seriously. ALLEGEDLY.

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Hockey player, Brooks Laich and his wife, actress[?], Julianne Hough, have been having marital problems or something because she’s doing that Oops, I forgot my wedding ring thing celebrities do; oh, and sources, I believe them to be Julianne Hough, say there have been marital issues for months.

Brooks has a podcast, upon which he often has Julianne and they discuss everything, but this marital strife is on the down low? Or, is it Brooks? While Julianne has said before that she’s not completely straight, Brooks is now suggesting that he’s like to explore his sexuality.

Brooks recently spoke with Gavin DeGraw on his How Men Think podcast and talked about how he isn’t “100 percent fully expressed” in terms of his true sexuality and that now he will do a “pleasure first” route in his choices. What does that mean? Well, Brook said it like this:

“One of my goals this year is to really explore like, learning about sexuality … People think that sexuality is just the act of sex, of just having sex and there’s so much more to it. Here’s a question … Are you fully 100% fully expressed in your true sexuality? With your partner? With everything? You could not imagine having a better sex life? Are you truly there? … I’m not either. So that’s what one of my goals this year is to really dive into.”

Does he want kink or does he want dick?

I’d offer to lend a hand …or whatever …either way.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Sharon Osborne is one of those faux-celebrities—you wouldn’t even know her name if she wasn’t Missus Ozzy Osbourne—that seem to think she comes off as just regular people like you and me.

She doesn’t.  Appearing on the Christmas special of the BBC show Would I Lie To You?, Sharon was tasked with telling a story and the other team would guess if her story was true or not; she says this is true:

“I once sacked a member of my staff because he showed absolutely no sense of humor during a house fire.”

Here’s what happened. Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne started a fire in their mansion via an unattended candle, and, well, since she wouldn’t put all her plastic surgery at risk going back into the house to save her art collection, she sent in her assistant. He suffered smoke inhalation and when paramedics arrived, she ALLEGEDLY ripped the oxygen mask off his face and used it on her dog while ordering the assistant back inside the burning house.

Later, as she and Ozzy laughed about the whole thing, the assistant was not amused, and Missus Faux-Celebrity said:

“If you don’t think that’s funny, do you think this is funny? You’re fired.”

And, again, she swears that’s a true story. My Christmas wish is that the sacked employee gets a copy of the show and sues her ignorant ass for all she’s worth.

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This’ll be a short one.

Zac Efron was filming his new reality series in Papua New Guinea when he ALLEGEDLY contracted a “deadly illness” and had to be med-flighted to a hospital in Australia.

The name of Zac’s new series? 

Killing Zac Efron.

You cannot make this shiz up.

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If you’re a celebrity, your every little move is noticed and recorded, and so when you try to play fast and loose with your personal history, well, it’s not a good look.

Case in point: actress Michelle Williams. It appears that People Magazine recently did a piece on Williams and her pregnancy, and engagement to Hamilton director Thomas Kail and glossed over the fact that right about the time of the unprotected sexual contact resulting in the pregnancy both Williams and Kail were married to other people.

That omission led tabloid-ologists to speculate that the Williams’ camp gave the exclusive to People on the condition that they not mention the overlaps in relationships and getting knocked up.

Thomas Kail directed 5 of the 8 episodes of Fosse/Verdon, which began filming in November 2018. Michelle’s divorce from musician Phil Elverum came in April 2019, right about the same time Kail left his wife, actress Angela Christian.

That leaves a lot of wiggle room for some hot unprotected sex with someone other your spouse.

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Lock up your liquor cabinets and hide the car keys, Lohan is coming home to America.

During their New Year’s Eve special for CNN, Lindsay Lohan warned Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen that 2020 will have her coming back to the US. And then she said, again, and again, and then again, that she has a new film in the works and will also be managing her sister Ali’s music career.

Lohan can’t even manage to keep a car out of a ditch or her ass on a bar stool and she’s gonna manage someone else’s career?

Like I said, lock your doors and hide the keys.

Lohan is back. ALLEGEDLY.

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There could be no better way to ring in the New Year than by seeing Sandra Bernhard toss out the old snark and bring in the new.

The actress and comedian poked “good natured” fun at designer Donna Karan’s pricey Urban Zen store during her “Sandy’s Holiday Extravaganza: A Decade of Madness and Mayhem” show at Joe’s Pub.

“Karan met us with global love ideas and her sweeping new coffee table book, ‘African Twilight.’ There’s nothing more heartwarming at the holidays than stories about overprivileged children now in their 50s carting off rare artifacts from their parents’ house. I’ve had it up to here with white ladies and their foundations in Africa!”

A dig at gal pal Madge? Hmmmmm.

Then she unleashed other fabulous Bernhard bon mots:

“Like the Dalai Lama said . . . the closing of Barneys is one of the greatest tragedies of mankind.”

And riffed on selling her Studio City home:

“[It’s] right around the corner from Hortense. Is that Hortense? No, she’s always that way.”

She’ll be there all week.

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The last season of rebooted Will & Grace  is about to get far less fabulous because Megan Mullally will be missing for a couple episodes due an ALLEGED feud with co-star Debra Messing. No reason why the feud, but the pair have confirmed it by doing the ghastly act of unfollowing one another on social media. Mullally has also stopped following her onscreen sidekick, Sean Hayes, but still follows Eric McCormack for some unexplainable reason.

Okay, Messing and Hayes, here’s the deal: you two are funny, but it’s Karen who makes the show. It should be called KAREN! With jack … will and grace.

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Ex-Bravo star [?] of Flipping Out, Jeff Lewis announced on his SiriusXM radio show Jeff Lewis Live, that he has hired his former maid Zoila’s sister to be his new maid.

Apparently, this counts as news? Well, maybe because Lewis’ Bravo show was canceled when he alienated every single person on the show from Zoila Chaves to Jenni Poulos to his business and life partner, and Baby Daddy, Gage Edwards, the surrogate mother for their child, and the staff at his child’s pre-school. Lewis even went after Bravo golden gay boy Andy Cohen by reading private text messages on his radio show.

Yeah, Bravo is done with Jeff Lewis, but Jeff Lewis says he’s not done with TV:

“I have talked to a couple of different networks about either a doc-series or a more formatted design show. I think when the right show with the right person comes, we’ll hopefully put something together.”

Until he goes after them and drives them away.

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So, we know that federal prosecutors have added additional charges for Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli, all part of the original scheme where they paid $500K to convince the USC admissions board that their daughters were master rowers … or smart. But, apparently Lori thinks if this mess goes to trial—she and her husband are one of the few involved in the scheme who have pled not guilty—she’ll get a Felicity Huffman Deal of eleven days in Easy Jail.

However, if Lori and Mossimo are convicted of everything, they face up to decades in prison. Now, no one thinks they would actually serve decades because … white and rich … but there could be serious fines and serious prison time … more than eleven days and less than eleven years.

But there’s more; prosecutors have emails between Mossimo and Rick Singer, leader of the scandal, where Rick tells Mossimo to get pictures of his daughters on a rowing machine to make it look legit. There is also evidence of payments and bribery, like an email between Mossimo and his accountant with an invoice for $200,000 saying:

“Good news my daughter … is in (U)SC… bad is I had to work the system.”

Oops. People magazine says Lori and Mossimo feel like this is “David versus Goliath” and that, wait for it, it’s rich and white … people excuse, that they are being scapegoated. Yeah, scapegoats. Lori has it all wrong; they might be made an ‘example’ by the feds to perhaps show people how not to get your kids into college, but a scapegoat is what Lori could use right now …

‘Look over there, it’s that guy’s fault.’

Take a seat Lori, you’ll handle prison just fine, but your Silver Fox husband might be the beauty of the cell block.

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Diddy is doing it again.

Diddy, AKA Sean John Combs, AKA Sean Combs, has changed his name almost as much as Miley Cyrus exchanges husbands and boyfriends and girlfriends. He’s been Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Puffy, and Diddy, and even once suggested he would change it to Brother Love.

And now this … Sean John Combs now wants y’all to call him Sean Love Combs.

Wait. Is he hooking up with Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Oy. But if he wants to change it again, sometime in the future, might I suggest … drum roll …wait for it … it’s perfection … Didiot.

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Speaking of the unwashed …Cody Simpson and Miley Cyrus have been having a ball together. They’re  living together… or not; they’re getting tattooed together … or not; he cured her of her fear of dick and being bisexual … or not; and they’re both sober …or not.

But, since Miley opened her mouth last week and shoved a giant boot in it with her suggestion that she was a lesbian was due to never having had good dick, now it’s Cody’s time to share the stupid by saying he is the most romantic fulfilling adult real relationship Miley’s ever had … this week … and that previous ones were not.

Cue professional gossip hacker Lindsay Lohan who has inserted herself into this drama with claims of stolen furniture. What the what? Yes, Lindsay, fresh off her hit recording of Xanax … I kid, it was no hit … has accused Cody of stealing her sister Ali’s furniture because they dated and lived together for about a minute.

Lindsay posted, then deleted, a message of hatred toward Cody because of her sister Ali Lohan. On the finale of Masked Singer: Australia, where she works … hold for laughter … Lindsay brought up her drama with Cody:

“If it is you, we have a lot to talk about, and this is not the arena for it. I want my furniture back! Because I bought your furniture for your house in Venice!”

Seriously? Perhaps she wants the couch back because there’s a dime bag sewn into the cushions? Or perhaps because no one is talking about Lindsay Lohan and she needs to snark.

Six of one, half dozen of the other …

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It’s been a whole week and a half since a clip of Kylie Jenner waking up her daughter Stormi with a musical “Rise and shiiiiine” went viral and since she comes from That Family she is trying to trademark the words “rise and shine.”

Seriously. To be fair, we now know that Kylie, whose job is dating, getting pregnant and trademarking existing phrases, says she wants to trademark slang version of rise and shine”:

“RIIISE AND SHIIINNEE.”

I guess she really wants to trademark the fact that she can’t freaking spell.

I have opted to follow suit and will seek to trademark the phrase … ‘All Kardastrophes are idiiiiiiotttttts.’  … Followed by my newest version of Kylie-speak:

“Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise and shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.”

I’ll make millions!

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