Why Is It ...

… that most people don’t realize that the reason I don’t eat grapes is because I am not used to consuming wine in pill form

… that after my doctor told me to watch my drinking, I left his office to find a bar with a mirror

… that you know you've finally grown up when you actually pick up the ice ‎cube instead of kicking it under the fridge; of note, I am not that grown up

… that no one told me to enjoy my youth because after fifty my body’s dashboard was going to light up like a Christmas tree

… that the biggest lie I tell myself is that ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.

… that I have finally admitted that my level of weirdness is above the national average and I’m comfortable with that

… that I think some people need to come with a 30-second trailer so I can see what I’m getting into

… that whoever decided that a one-inch candy bar should be called ‘fun-sized’ should really reevaluate their standards for entertainment

… that when you were a child you often made funny faces in the mirror, but after middle age the mirror gets even

… that people need to realize that the reason I don’t iron my clothes is because if I’m not wrinkle-free why should my shirts and pants be wrinkle-free?

Why Is It ...

… that when people ask me where was the last place I flew, I say ‘Off the handle and there’s another potential flight on the way.’

… that whenever people say to me, ‘You’re going places,’ my first thought is an asylum.

… that it makes me happy to see so many people embracing therapy; some of them could use an exorcism, but … baby steps.

… that we all need to know that the final stage of healing is telling people to fuck off.

… that people must learn that there are two ways of doing things: my way and my other way. 

… that one time, in the third grade, I zoned out and I don’t think I ever zoned back in.

… that when people tell me that I’m too quiet I say it’s because I rarely make sense when I talk.

… that the best part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

… that when a friend says, ‘Oh no, that’s so mean, I can’t say that,’ I say, ‘Give me the phone.’

… that even though I bought new shoes with memory foam insoles I still cannot remember why I walked into the kitchen.

… that I keep forgetting that aging is a process; I was in bed last night for twenty minutes when I heard the pizza guy cough and realized I’d gone to my room to get my wallet.

Why Is It ...

… that my idea of time management is hoping that the tomorrow-me is more responsible than the today-me.

… that it’s just me and my ‘I forgot and I don’t remember’ against the world.

… that you need to learn that if you call me and start talking to people in the background, I will hang up.

… that I ignore subtle hints so that maybe you’ll speak up and be direct like an adult.

… that there are three places you can stay for free and they are: in your own lane, out of my business, and over there.

… that today I am choosing kindness but, you know, it’s still early.

… that people need to know that I’m not friendly, but I am cool so you can speak to me but don’t keep talking to me.

… that I like to make sure everybody is as confused as possible when it comes to me.

… that I know I am not the only one who whispers ‘fuck off’ to myself about certain people at least twenty times a day.

… that I am only just now realizing that my spirit animal is that bird that knocks itself unconscious flying into windows.

Why Is It ...

… that people will write a paragraph to disagree with me on social media and never think that I hit Delete as soon as I see it.

… that I love when people are rude to me because, oh my god, no way, it’s now my turn.

… that my boss doesn’t see that I am humble enough to know I’m replaceable at work, but also confident enough to know that it will take at least three people.

… that no one realizes that I am quite adept at using all the swear words in a single sentence.

… that people need to realize that if they hear me telling the same story twice, just let it go. I only have six memories and they all take turns.

… that I am planning on engaging in orange cat behavior today and, no, I will not explain.

... that after 50, you're like an old phone battery. Even when you charge yourself overnight for 10 hours, by 10 AM you're at 60%. 

… that being an adult is so weird. I'm unsupervised all the time, how unsafe.

… that I am so easily annoyed by feelings, people, my own thoughts … honestly I don’t even know why I started this list. I’m already irritated

… that sometimes I listen to someone and think ‘Holy shit, you’ve got the IQ of a crayon.’

Why Is It ...

… that adulthood is the most annoying hood I’ve ever lived in?

… that when I hear the words “take out” I think food, dating and murder, but not necessarily in that order?

… that I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999 but I kinda want to go grocery shopping like it’s 1999?

… that the Bible says “Love thy neighbor”—it’s literally a Commandment—and yet so many so-called “Christians” conveniently ignore that part?

… that drag queens and trans youth aren’t the ones shooting up bowling alleys and schools, but instead it’s straight white men?

… that people ask me if I snowboard when everyone knows I only charcutier board?

… that sometimes I think my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut?

… that in order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion?

… that some people call it multi-tasking while I call it doing something else while I try to remember what I was doing in the first place?

What I Am Obsessed With Right Now

To be fair, I will not be seeing CATS because, well, because. But I am obsessed with Jennifer Hudson's version of Memory from the film.

 

Damn. That girl can saaaaaang!