I Didn't Say It ... Asshats of the Pandemic

Devin Nunes, _____lapdog and GOP congressman from California, telling people to stop panicking and go out to dinner:

“There’s a lot of concerns with the economy here because people are scared to go out, but I will just say, one of the things you can do if you’re healthy, you and your family, it’s a great time to just go out, go to a local restaurant.”

Yes, by all means congregate in a room filled with strangers. That’s one way not to get sick.

Devin Nunes has got to be of the dumbest Republicans on record, and that’s saying a lot!

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Vanessa Hudgens, actress, singer and asshat, on the coronavirus and people self-isolating:

“Yeah, till July sounds like a bunch of bullsh*t. I’m sorry. But like, it’s a virus. I get it. I respect it. But at the same time, like, even if everybody gets it, like yeah, people are gonna die, which is terrible, but like inevitable?”

You can’t fix stupid and you cannot explain a worldwide pandemic to a moron.

Still, after being dragged by social media, Hudgens offered an apology of sorts, about her comments “being taken out of context.” And then she said she was in her home, under lockdown.

I wonder if it could be permanent?

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Mark Steyn, Fox News substitute host, on the coronavirus being a “gay” thing:

“San Francisco has just ordered everyone to shelter in place, just to say, ‘Stay in your apartment. Don’t leave your apartment unless you need to go out to a grocery store or to a pharmacy or to a doctor’s.’ Why are they doing that? Why is San Francisco the first to do that? Because they’ve got all the gay guys there. It’s a big gay town, San Francisco, and they’re the ones with all the compromised immune systems from all the protease inhibitors and all the other stuff. And they don’t want all the gays dropping dead on the San Francisco mayor’s watch. So that’s why they’ve got all that sheltering in place there. And even if it dropped, they all dropped dead on the San Francisco mayor’s watch, if there was a big gay apocalypse, you know, the way this thing is going now, it would be _____ who would get blamed for it anyway. He’d be — it would be his homophobia that would have struck down all these people in San Francisco. So that’s why they’ve all been ordered to stay home.”

Steyn also wondered if Elizabeth Warren is a biological woman, and says white supremacists are better than “illegal immigrants” because at least they’re citizens.

Dumb as fuck.

Homophobic as shiz.

Ignorant as hell.

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Evangeline Lilly, actress and clearly a Vanessa Hudgens fan, saying she won’t practice social distance:

“Where we are right now feels a lot too close to Marshall Law [sic] for my comfort already, all in the name of a respiratory flu. It’s unnerving…Let’s be vigilant right now. And kind. Watchful and gracious—keeping a close eye on our leaders, making sure they don’t abuse this moment to steal away more freedoms and grab more power.”

Oh my god, how are these stupid people allowed to exist. No one is forcing you to distance yourself from anyone, you moronic tool, they are simply saying it’s an easy way to protect yourself and others from the virus.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

And PS asshat: it’s Martial law, not Marshall.

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Richard Burr, North Carolina GOP Senator, and Senate Intelligence Committee chair, warning wealthy constituents weeks ago that COVID-19 was comparable to the 1918 flu pandemic, but refusing to say it to anyone else, like his not wealthy constituents, maintaining allegiance to the White House:

“‘There’s one thing that I can tell you about this: It is much more aggressive in its transmission than anything that we have seen in recent history. It is probably more akin to the 1918 pandemic.”

Tell the wealthy, but ignore your less affluent constituents, because it’s all about the coins from the 1%.

Typical GOP pandering fuckmonkey.

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It's Snarkurday!

Remember Sean Young?  Well, I do; she was on the fast track to be an A-list Hollywood star when she went all kinds of Catwoman cray.

She appeared on talk shows dressed as Catwoman; she stalked Batman director Tim Burton trying to get the job as Catwoman. Decades after she did not get the part of Catwoman she appeared on Late Night with David Letterman dressed as Catwoman — I guess no one told her that Michelle Pfeiffer got the job, and then gave it to Halle Berry who sucked at it and gave it to Anne Hathaway who finally killed the role for good. And so these days Sean Young doesn’t make movies; she’s too busy appearing in Celebrity Rehab and Skating with Celebrities.

Uh huh. But she did give an interview where she talked about … wanting to play Catwoman in that decade’s old Tim Burton movie:

“If these Warner Bros. executives now were really good businessmen, they’d let me play Catwoman today, and I’d make a smash amount of money. But they’re too stupid. You can lead people to water, but you can’t make them great artists.”

Wait? What? Do any of you know just how much a smash amount of money is? I don’t have my dollar-to-smash exchange rate calculator handy.

And that last metaphor? Even Batman couldn’t solve that one.

Awards season is over. What to do, what to do … we wait for the Met Gala in May; you know the Met Gala, where Kanye West made his then-pregnant, then-girlfriend, Kim Kardastrophe, dress up as a sofa, and where Beyoncé tries to wear less and less clothing each year.

The Met Gala! And Anna Wintour! For last year’s Met Gala, Anna Wintour allowed cameras to follow her and her team around as they prepared for the event and the result is the documentary called The First Monday In May.

Most of the juiciest quotes come from Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, Vogue’s head of events who says Anna Wintour picks up garbage … and by garbage I don’t mean a passed out Miley Cyrus under a table somewhere:

“We’d be in our gowns and picking up tables and sweeping the floors ... if there’s garbage on the floor. Anna does that, too.”

And she dishes on the biggest no-nos of the event: parsley! Wintour banned parsley from being served at the party “because you don’t want that stuck in your teeth.” She has also shunned onion and garlic … bad breath … and bruschetta because it can “fall easily on your gown.”

Quelle horrors! And then there are the seating arrangements which play out like Mean Girls Hosting The Prom because, at one point in the documentary, Anna complains about a particularly bad table because there’s “no celeb” at it and she’s told there’s only “Chloë Sevigny and Solange Knowles.”

Ouch. But later in the film, when Sevigny finds her table, she sighs and says to the camera:

“Just like high school.”

But with better clothes and bigger bitches.

On Friday we learned that Madonna, in a desperate attempt to win back Rocco, her runaway teenage son, had opted for a lawyer-free custody meeting with Rocco and his father Guy Ritchie.

But maybe Rocco isn’t too keen on meeting with Mama Madge anytime soon because he just took a not-so-subtle shot at her on Instagram by, first, turning his account Private and then, in the one part of his account that every can see, updated his profile to include the following description of himself:

“Son of a bitch”

Ow.

Taylor  Swift showed up at the iHeartRadio Awards in LA over the weekend after her people bought her several awards, and when she accepted the award for Best Tour she finally, publicly mentioned her on-camera, real life, not just for publicity boyfriend Adam Wilkes, AKA Calvin Harris:

“For the first time I had the most amazing person to come home to when the crowds were all gone and the spotlight went out so I’d like to thank my boyfriend Adam for that.”

And moments later when Calvin, er, Adam, er, gigolo, won some award he thanked everyone … but TayTay.

Ouch. I imagine it was cold in TayTay's Pink Palace that night.

A while ago I told the story of stoner actress Vanessa Hudgens and her boyfriend visiting Sedona National Park and carving their initials into the national monument and Instagramming their act of vandalism.

I’d hoped the authorities would search Skid Row and find her trying to score and arrest her for defacing nature but, alas, it seemed to go unnoticed.

Until now … authorities have told Hudgens that she can either pay a fine and restitution or appear in court for carving a heart into red rock in Sedona two months ago.

Damaging a natural feature on U.S. Forest Service land is a misdemeanor punishable by up to six months in jail and a maximum $5,000 fine.

But hey, she spends more than that on herb on a Friday afternoon.

When That Woman rises from her crypt today there is going to be a guttural wail so loud it could wake the dead … or at least revive Sean Young's career.

See, That Woman’s son, the one she never talks about, the one who doesn’t appear on their “reality” show, Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes, Rob Kardastrophe has gone and proposed marriage to Blac Chyna.

Blac and rob posed for a picture on Instagram and SnapChat with Blac casually showing off a $325,000 engagement ring — courtesy of ratings pimp and KUWTKardastophes producer, Ryan Seacrest.

Naturally, this is probably because Seacrest wants to film the wedding and the honeymoon and the subsequent divorce, and the day That Woman’s face caves in because she’s realized she has Blac Chyna for a daughter-in-law.

There won’t be enough Botox on the plant to save that mess.

PS When Rob and Blac hitch it up, he’ll become the stepfather to his littlest sister’s boyfriend’s baby. Just sayin’.

I have often said in this space here — I mean, I literally said it a few paragraphs ago — that I believe Taylor Swift doesn’t really win all those awards, but that she has her people buy them for her, and now, well, I kinda have proof.

Something called the BMI Pop Awards — Buy Me It Awards? — have come up with an award to give Taylor Swift:

The Taylor Swift Award.

On May 10th TayTay will accept the Taylor Swift Award at the 56th annual BMI Pop Awards in Beverly Hills. I haven’t seen the award but I’m guessing it’s shaped like a giant ego???

Taylor isn’t the first one to get a BMI award named after her. Michael Jackson got the Michael Jackson Award from BMI back in 1990.

Still, wouldn’t it be a hoot if Taylor Swift shows up at the awards and when the envelope is opened it says the award goes to Katy Perry?

I’d die.

Lastly, from the If You Don’t Have Enough Money Already, Beyoncé, Sue to Get More:

A company named Feyoncé [sounds like fiancée] Inc is being sued by Beyoncé because Bey has trademarked anything and everything that can be attached to her name, her career, her likeness or anything she likes, thinks she might like, hates now but wonders if someday she will like it, etc.

Feyoncé started selling stuff with the word “Feyoncé” on it in the same font Beyoncé uses—and I think Beyoncé owns that font—and so Beyoncé called her lawyers and slapped Feyoncé Inc with a lawsuit accusing them of selling illegal merch.

Not only does Beyoncé want Feyoncé Inc to stop making money off her name, she wants all of the money they’ve already made, plus damages for using her name.

Perhaps they should’a called it Bitchoncé? Fakeoncé? Getalifeoncé?

Still, I’m scared, because I planted something called Blue Ivy in my yard today and BAM I got a cease-and-desist letter …

It's Snarkurday!

Kanye took to Twitter again for yet another long-winded rant that devolved into a money beg.

It all began when Kanye announced he was $53 million in debt … bad fashion and crazy costs, y’all … and then bragged he would win 100 Grammys before he died, and then he began begging, begging, Mark Zuckerberg for some of his Facebook coins via Twitter:

Mark Zuckerberg invest 1 billion dollars into Kanye West ideas

Mark Zuckerberg I know it’s your bday but can you please call me by 2mrw…

You love hip hop, you love my art… I am your favorite artist but you watch me barely breathe and still play my album in your house …

World, please tweet, FaceTime, Facebook, instagram, whatever you gotta do to get Mark to support me…

I’m this generation’s Disney… I want to bring dope sh-t to the world…

I don’t have enough resources to create what I really can…

Mark, I am publicly asking you for help…one of the coolest things you could ever do is to help me in my time of need and I will always respect you for that and the world will love you…

Yes, he Tweeted that. He truly thinks Mark Zuckerberg will stop spending money on those pesky hungry kids in Africa and give it to a windbag who lost his money on a ridiculously laughable fashion line?

Now, that’s funny.

And it looks like someone else in Kanye’s life needs coins … Caitlyn Jenner … who has filed a cross-complaint against Jessica Steindorff, who was driving the Prius in front of her and, well, let’s revisit the details of the crash:

Caitlyn wad riving on PCH when her SUV hit a Lexus in front of her causing that car to shoot into the next lane where it was hit by an oncoming Hummer and Kim Howe, the driver of the Lexus, was killed. With the Lexus out of the way, Caitlyn’s SUV hit the Prius that was in front of the Lexus. Caitlyn was sued by Kim Howe’s stepchildren, the family in the Hummer and Jessica Steindorff. The family in the Hummer is also suing Kim Howe’s estate.

Caitlyn settled with Kim Howe’s family and the Hummer people, but is now suing Jessica Steindorff because she thinks that Jessica is partly responsible for her rear-ending the Lexus and sending it into another lane to be hit by oncoming traffic.

Seriously, Caitlyn? You need to transition to logic, girl, because you are at fault.

Do not take flash photography of Bill Murray! Dammit!

After a day of golf, Murray took to the rooftop lounge of the country club to relax. And apparently some fans wanted to take his photo; since it was night time, the flash feature was on and Bill snapped. He got up, walked to their table, grabbed their phones — more than one — and pitched them off the roof. Then he ran off.

The phone folks called the police who, eventually, tracked Murray down, and he’s agreed to pay for the damaged phones if the owners opted not to press charges. Meanwhile, the owner of the restaurant has banned people from taking pictures because he doesn’t want to deal with another Bill Murray moment.

Like I said, Do not take flash pictures of Bill Murray! Consider yourself warned.

Well, after a brief respite, the High School Fight between Mean Girls Taylor Swift and … you thought I was gonna say Katy Perry but I’m not … Kanye West has heated up again.

At his recent show in New York, Kanye played a song called “Famous” from his new album in which he says:

“I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.”

Cue Taylor writing a pity party song of her own, though, first, it was her little brother, Austin, who smacked back at Kanye by posting an Instagram video of him throwing away His Ugly Kanye West designed shoes! Oh snap!

But Taylor waited until she hit the Grammy stage to strike back at Kanye. After her team purchased the Album of the Year award for her, Tay-Tay said, from the stage:

“As the first woman to win Album of the Year at the Grammys twice, I want to say to all the young women out there, [that] there are going to be people along the way that will try to undercut your success or take credit for your accomplishments or your fame, but if you just focus on the work and you don’t let those people sidetrack you, someday when you get where you’re going you will look around and you will know that it was you and the people who love you who put you there and that will be the greatest feeling in the world.”

It was then that Beyoncé rushed the stage, snatched the award from Taylor’s hands and declared that Kanye is the greatest artist of all time. Okay, maybe that last part didn’t happen, but it could have …

More Kanye? Of course …

Last weekend he was the musical guest on SNL and it almost didn’t happen because Kanye threw an epic hissy fit worthy of his own infant daughter and threatened to storm off!

Apparently, it took SNL head honcho Lorne Michaels to soothe the savage beast’s ego, after even his wife, Kim Kardastrophe, couldn’t sweet-talk him down. And it was all due to the stage set that SNL was using; Kanye didn’t like it because, well, maybe it wasn’t crafted of solid gold or something …

Luckily, after a cold compress was applied to Kanye’s ego, he did stay and perform, although he scowled more than usual while doing so.

Rihanna was supposed to be at the Grammys last weekend to debut a song off of her new album, ANTI but backed out just minutes before because …. bronchitis.

Odd, because Rihanna was everywhere the week leading up to the Grammys; at every party, every function, every photo op. She even performed the night before the Grammys at the MusiCares Person of the Year event and sang flawlessly.

TMZ isn’t buying bronchitis, and says Rihanna was screaming and hysterical before bailing on the show, though there are conflicting stories about what triggered her outburst. Some say she was not happy with the rehearsal and was shrieking mad about it; her people say it was all medical; and some say she watched Kendrick Lamar’s rehearsal and was so intimidated that she just scrammed.

I’m kinda buying that last one … if Rihanna can’t steal the show, she won’t do the show.

What was the most exclusive party after the Grammy’s?  The one that denied entry to Sir Paul McCartney, apparently. And it was hosted by that bastion of musicality, that legend in his own mind, Tyga!

Yup, at Tyga’s after-party Macca got in; Woody Harrelson got in; Beck, too. Taylor Hawkins, the drummer from the Foo Fighters, went inside. But Paul McCartney was kicked to the curb because the door man did not recognize him. Folks standing outside tried to tell the bouncer who he was denying, but the man just shrugged and said, Sorry old-timer.

That Woman must be rolling over in her crypt because you know she had cameras there and would have whored herself out to McCartney for a selfie.

50 Cent still has financial problems; he was ordered to pay $5 million to Lastonia Leviston after posting a sex tape of Leviston and another man online; he was also ordered to pay $17.2 million to a former business partner for stealing the design to his “Sleek by 50” headphones. So 50 filed for bankruptcy, possibly hoping to avoid paying off these massive judgments, but it looks like the courts are gonna start garnishing his paychecks to satisfy the debts and his lawyers are claiming, yes, “slavery.”

50 Cent and his attorneys are telling the judge he is trying to set the clock more than 150 years and gunning to make him their slave, claiming the plan violates the 13th Amendment to the Constitution which bans slavery and involuntary servitude.

Yes, because in 50 Cents world if you owe people money and don’t pay and they come after you, you’re a slave to them. Howsabout just not being a dick and getting sued and just paying your bills, Fiddy?

Oh, and Rihanna wasn’t the only one who skipped the Grammys at the last minute; Lauryn Hill did too.  But Lauryn is trying to say that she never said she’d appear on the show at all. And yet, according to academy president Neil Portnow, Lauryn was set to perform with The Weeknd, but when he took the stage, Lauryn was nowhere to be found.

Her duet was supposed to be a surprise, but the surprise was that she wasn’t there … even though she’d rehearsed it the day before.

Lauryn’s rep says the Grammys were wrong in announcing she was going to perform because she never said she would … though she’d show up for a rehearsal and for camera blocking.

Lay off’a the weed, Lauryn, you’re all confuzzled.

I know love, young love, new love; and I also know stupidity and destroying a national landmark. Someone maybe should’a told Vanessa Hudgens.

She recently spent a weekend with beau Austin Butler in Sedona, Arizona, and, as young stupid lovers are apt to do, they wanted to create a reminder of this romantic time.

So they carved their names into one of the federally protected red rock formations and then Vanessa Instagrammed it!

Like I said, stupid …

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Oh Original Recipe™, this must be just like any other day for you.

Car crash. Arrest. What’s the big deal?

Well, it's seems that our best gal pal, and chronic drunkard, druggard and thief, Lindsay Lohan, will be charged with the crime of lying to police after her June car accident along the Pacific Coast Highway.

Y'all remember that Lohan told the officers she was not driving that day, when her rented Porsche when it slammed into the back of an 18-wheeler, but apparently all the eyewitnesses have a different story to tell.

The case will be filed as a misdemeanor by the Santa Monica City Attorney, and the charge could spell huge trouble for OR™, because she is still on probation for jewel theft. This mess could trigger a probation violation, and Judge Stephanie Sautner—the jewelry judge—could send Lohan to the slammer.

Again!

Add to that the news that law enforcement officers say they found prescription pills in her purse after the crash, and witnesses say there will pills scattered all over the trunk.

Well, to be fair, maybe Lindsay had enrolled in Pharmacology school and this was her final exam?

Authorities were going to charge Lohan with drug crimes, but her lawyer--her criminal lawyer--Shawn Holley offered documentation from Lindsay’s doctor that the pills were properly prescribed.

Doctor FeelGood in the hizzouse!

And now on to Lohan 2.0™.

It seems Amanda Bynes was acting all crazy again, though, thankfully not behind the wheel of a car this time. It was in a spa, and she went all Frances Farmer on the joint.

After purchasing a Mystic spray-tan session, Bynes was set up in a private room, but a few minutes later she walked back into the salon looking for a pair of goggles.

'No problem except.....

Girl.Was.Nekkid.

“She walked out of the room completely naked,” an eyewitness--and you know it was Dina Lohan trying to take the heat off her jailbird daughter--said. “She didn’t seem to care that everyone saw her naked. She seemed totally out of it. She took her time walking back to the Mystic room, dragging her fingers along the wall and smiling at customers who passed her.”

I'm not sure about this. I mean, if Bynes was sitting on the floor, doing her make-0up talking to herself and eating DelTaco, I might buy it, but this........

Of course, Bynes did respond to the story, calling Us Weekly to shriek into the phone: “I’m not ‘troubled.’ I don’t get naked in public. I’m 26, a multi-millionaire, retired. Please respect my privacy.” 

Uh, m'kay. 23.0™.

Then

Jealousy is an ugly thing.

Just ask Demi Moore.

She is ALLEGEDLY so jealous that her ex-"husband" Ashton Kutcher is doing the nasty with Mila Kunis, that she is trying to woo Leonardo DiCaprio to her Grandma Boudoir.

The 49-year-old actress--can we really call her that when very few people remember anything she was in besides Ghost?--has been e-mailing...stalking...and calling...stalking...DiCaprio, hoping to reignite the spark they shared more than 15 years ago. And she doesn’t care that he's dating Victoria’s Secret model Erin Heatherton!

It all goes back to one night in 1997 when Leo spent the night with Demi in her and former husband Bruce Willis’ Malibu home during a time when the couple’s marriage was on the outs. Insiders--and you know it's those three ne'er-do-well daughters of hers--say Demi is making way more out of it than it was, and that Leo ain't gonna go back there again.

“After all these years," the sources say, "she’s romanticized what really amounted to just a fling. She’s infatuated with Leo becoming Hollywood’s hottest power couple. She’s lonely and facing her 50th birthday this month, so she’s looking to rejuvenate her love life and career."

Now

Again with the career?

Demi has been spending all her free time in New York, DiCaprio is filming The Wolf of Wall Street, but, unfortunately for Demi, Leo is giving her the big-time blow off.

"He won’t even get together with her for coffee!”

You gotta wonder, though, if it's Demi's raging insecurities at being dumped by her "husband" that sent her trolling after Leo, or if it's a Hollywood-sized ego that thinks DiCaprio would leave the Victoria’s Secret stable for an aging has-been.

Meanwhile, Demi and Ashton have still made no efforts to file for divorce, even though they’ve been separated for a year, and they've not given their lawyers any reason to think they want to file any time soon.

All this adds fuel to the fire that says Demi and Ashton were never married in the first place, and will just play the waiting game and the stories die down, and then announce they're "divorced."

Jennifer Lopez is a true raging Diva.

She and her oldest son, Casper Smart, have been in Europe for the past week during her European Tour, and one night in Berlin a hotel maid ALLEGEDLY JLo for an autograph and this pissed the superstar off so badly that she had the maid fired.

Wow! I mean, it wasn't like the maid actually looked at her, was it?

Pray Dodaj, the maid, says, “I cleaned on her floor. And I am an incredibly big fan so I took all my courage and rang the bell to get an autograph, but I was rejected by two assistants at the door.”

And after that, the hotel manager fired her.

“A day later," Pray says, "the cleaning company that employed me at the hotel called and said that Ms. Lopez had complained. I was fired right there on the phone! Because of an autograph!”

Does this seem like a true story? Well, Cyrus Heydarian, the hotel director, explained why they fired the maid, even though she never got the autograph from JLo: “She has acted contrary to the contractual arrangements and disturbed the privacy of our guests.”

Ouch.

But again, it's not like she actually made eye contact with Lopez, because I've heard that maids who look her in the eyes are often found dead by morning.

Allegedly.

There have long been rumors of Christina Aguilera liking to swim in the lady pond—she even copped to some bisexuality in recent interviews but I chalked that up to being desperate for attention and a hit record—but now it seems Christina likes to, um, “bring the ladies” home for threesomes with her and boyfriend, Matt Rutler.

And now it seems that the former Mouseketeer hit on another former Mouseketeer at a Beverly Hills Party.

No, not Britney, though she might have taken Christina up on the offer.

The former Disney star Christina wanted to bed was High School Musical actress Vanessa Hudgens.

A source—and it’s probably other former Mouse gal, Demi Lovato—says the threesome proposal came last month at the Samsung Galaxy Note II launch bash, which was held at a private residence. They say Christina looked like “a hot mess in black stretch pants and wrinkled white T-shirt. [and] there were vodka bottles strewn all over her table, and she seemed to be glued to them. Eventually Matt looked like he had taken on the role of babysitter.”

But Christina perked up when she saw Vanessa. The source says: “She spent a lot of time on the dance floor gyrating next to Vanessa, who looked like she was having fun with the situation in a good-natured way. And the more Christina drank, the more her kinky side seemed to come out. It really seemed like she was playing the role of seductress – with Vanessa as her target!”

Hudgens, who is probably need of a career makeover, I mean, what’s she doing other than letting Christina grind on her, simply declined the offer.