I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Manhattan federal Judge Ronnie Abrams recently ruled that The Huffington Post was within their rights to print a photo that did not belong to them of Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda and writing that Hamm was apparently “very blessed south of the border, and he, or those who examine photographs of him, really want you to know that.”

I did. I examined it very carefully and for a long while.

HuffPo was being sued by the Hammaconda photographer Lawrence Schwartzwald who wanted to be paid for the image, but the judge ultimately decided that HuffPost was making fun of Jon’s Johnson. Abrams said there’s legal precedent for news outlets using licensed images for stories that “illustrate what all the fuss is about.”

And I thank her for that, and I’ll also thank Hamm, for the Hammaconda, and for realizing that this is really no big deal.

No pun intended.

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Last May actor Brian Austin Green announced that he and his wife, actress Megan Fox, were really really finished with their marriage this time. And then Megan proved she was even more  done by quickly moving on from Green to rapper Machine Gun Kelly.

Who cares, right? Well, actress Vanessa Marcil, who was BAG’s girlfriend and baby mama in the early 2000s,  does and she’s speaking out.

Marcil And Green  hooked up in 1999 on the set of Beverly Hills, 90210 and in 2002 she gave birth to their son, Kassius Marcil-Green. They split up in 2003 and she has spent the last seventeen years fighting Green, and Fox, over custody of their child. Vanessa ALLEGES that Brian and Megan tried to get custody of Kassius, which Vanessa wasn’t into, and when a judge threw out their case, Brian basically stopped seeing his son.

So, what does Marcil do now? Come down squarely on Team Megan in a divorce that is literally none of her business, and hijack Megan’s Instagram account to tell the world that Green is a Bad Dad:

“Our job as adults is not to protect adults but to protect our children … I just speak the truth now at my son‘s request in order to help my son heal and not shoulder these secrets anymore. If his father‘s actions reflect poorly on him that is his doing. Not mine. … I just finally, now that Kass is grown, tell the truth regarding a court case and him cutting his son out of his life for 5 years. If you look back at our history his father publicly tried to slander me, lie about me, shame me as a working mother and take full custody of my son. ... He’s lucky that I don’t speak poorly of him after what he put our innocent boy through. He’s very big on doing things that publicly make him look like a nice guy. However, it is who you are when no one is looking that shows your true character.”

For someone who says she won’t speak ill of her son’s dad, she’s rather good at it. And, in the words of Lisa Rinna to Denise Richards on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills:

“Oof, you’re so angry.”

Vanessa? Hon? Your son with Green is a grown man now. Let him deal on his own with his father and perhaps you could stay out of it? And perhaps you should stay out of another’s person’s marriage and not be so filled with glee that another family has broken up when you were clearly so hurt when your family fell apart.

M’kay?

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Jude Law and his 32-year-old psychologist wife, Dr. Phillipa Coan, recently welcomed their first child together.

How nice, but for Jude it was also Baby #6. He  has three kids with his first wife, Sadie Frost—Rafferty, 23, Iris, 19, and Rudy, 13—plus another child with Samantha Burke—11-year-old Sophia—and a five-year-old daughter Ada, with Catherine Harding.

So, for the scoreboard that four mothers, six children, two wives, and two girlfriends.

That’s all.

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After leaving the Star Wars franchise, John Boyega has been speaking out about the online racist abuse he took from rabid fans, and the frustration he felt that the creators and studio did not have his back. He also put the creators on blast by acknowledging that the franchise has decided to sideline the characters of color. And now fragrance brand Jo Malone is apologizing to Boyega after they erased him from their ad campaign in China.

Boyega was Jo Malone’s first Black global ambassador last year and wrote and directed a commercial promoting company’s aftershave. But when it came to the company’s Chinese ad campaign Jo Malone inserted Asian actor Liu Haoran, and white and Asian actors while removing Boyega and other Black actors.

Jo Malone is now forced to apologize, or faux-pologize because there is no excuse:

“We deeply apologize for what on our end was a mistake in the local execution of the John Boyega campaign. John is a tremendous artist with great personal vision and direction. The concept for the film was based on John’s personal experiences and should not have been replicated.”

Um, a mistake? You erased a Black man and put an Asian actor in his place. That doesn’t happen by accident. Even worse … Boyega was not made aware of the recasting and found out about it on Twitter.

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When last we left Horrible Parents and College Scam Artists, Lori Loughlin, and Mossimo Giannulli admitted their guilt about cheating their illiterate daughters’ way in USC and were sentenced to two months in jail, for her, and five months, for him. But their prison stay, as short and privileged as it is, will make Felicity Huffman’s eleven-day jail stint for the same crime seem like a life sentence at Alcatraz.

Lori and Mossimo are basically going to Camp Rich People Prison. Lori will be at the Federal Correctional Institution in Victorville, while Mossimo will head to the Federal Correctional Institution in Lompoc.

Federal Correctional Institutions that offer their guests, er, inmates, yoga, Pilates and origami, as well as music lessons.

These people cheated and bribed to get their daughters into a prestigious school and their sentence is Summer Camp.

Good thing they’re rich and white …

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Yes, it’s true … Aunt Becky is going from Fuller House to the Big House.

Bad parents Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli have agreed to a guilty plea and struck a deal in connection with their involvement in the Varsity Blues college admissions scandal rather than face trial and certain, longer jail time.

Lori will serve two months in prison, pay a $150,000 fine and have two years of supervised release with 100 hours of community service, while Mossimo will serve five months in prison, a $250,000 fine and two years of supervised release with 250 hours of community service.

I know, I wish it was a longer sentence, too, but the best part of all is that for the rest of their lives when you Google Lori or Mossimo or their two spoiled, and probably not-so-bright daughters, you’ll see scandal and scam artists and bribes and guilty pleas and jail time.

So, Full House and Fuller House will no longer be the worst thing Lori Loughlin has done.

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Speaking of dumb celebrities …Jason Derulo.

Singer, and apparent asshat, Jason Derulo is on TikTok and in a desperate attempt to keep his views up he posted a video of himself eating a corn on the cob cartoon style with help from a drill, Jason got corn-holed in the piehole with the corn drill and lost some of his teeth because … stupid.

And now, like Lori, when you Google Jason Derulo you’re apt to see “Jason Derulo getting his corn hole drilled.”

Of course, it was all probably a prank, but, again, stupid. Just sayin’.

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Some people get Jude law and Hugh Grant confused as actors, and now they’re going to get them confused as two British men who have the most children with the most partners.

Forty-seven-year-old Jude Law  32-year-old wife of one year, Phillipa Coan, are having a baby; her first, his sixth. And this gets Jude an edge in Most Children by Most Different Moms over Hugh.

Jude shares 23-year-old son Rafferty, 19-year-old daughter Iris, and 17-year-old son Rudy with his first wife, Sadie Frost. He also has a 10-year-old daughter named Sophia with his ex-girlfriend Samantha Burke, as well as a 5-year-old daughter named Ada with his ex-girlfriend Catherine Harding.

Six kids, four Baby Mamas. One tired Jude.

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Seriously, who the f%k asked for this?

Mindy Kaling will reunite with her A Wrinkle in Time co-star Reese Witherspoon to co-write the screenplay for Legally Blonde 3: Legally a Senior Citizen. Reese will again star as the aging attorney Elle Woods, producing through her Hello Sunshine studio with the franchise’s original producer Marc Platt.

Blonde 1 came out nineteen years ago followed by Blonde 2 seventeen years ago. And for some reason, nearly two decades later someone thinks the idea on Blonde 3 is a good one?

No. Just no.

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I guess when you’ve been fired from a high-profile, big money job for being a pervert and your wife dumps you and takes more than half your coins and property for being a pervert, there’s just one thing left to do: whine about it all and get a tattoo.

Sixty-two-year-old Matt Lauer got inked, y’all, and it’s cray. But first, Lauer, who was accused of rape, abusing his power over female employees, having affairs, flashing people, and buying co-workers sex toys as gifts—but vehemently denies he ever raped anyone—has accused Ronan Farrow of being a lousy reporter who’s only after headlines:

“Will anyone hold Ronan Farrow thoroughly accountable? I doubt it. I ask people to consider how they would react if someone they loved were accused of something horrific and basic journalistic standards were ignored because of a desire to sell books. I also urge people to remember that there are two sides to all stories.”

Oh Matt. You should still be sitting because no one has asked you to get up and start talking again. Least of all Ronan Farrow, who responded to Matt’s rant:

“All I’ll say on this is that Matt Lauer is just wrong. Catch and Kill was thoroughly reported and fact-checked, including with Matt Lauer himself.”

See, Matt basically helped Ronan with much of what was written about him and now claims the rest of it is wrong. Sorry, Matt, not buying it. But then, as sexual predators do, Matt pulled a ____, and claimed he “was falsely accused” by Brooke Nevils, the co-worker who accused him of rape. And like Ronan, Brooke was not having it, and she took to Twitter:

“DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.”

Matt also wrote that the accusation “was devastating for my family” and was all a lie “used to sell books.” Um, that lie cost you your job and your family, and yet you didn’t try to fight the lie; you took a payout and whimpered away so, again, stay seated.

But anyway, about that tattoo that Matt suddenly showed off; it reads:

“Hatred corrodes the container it’s carried in.”

It’s kinda hard to read because Matt clearly asked for the Drunk Fratboy Font.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Mila Kunis, actress and Ukrainian refugee, on The Rump:

“The whole Syrian-refugee thing — we came here on a religious-refugee visa, and I’m not going to blow this country up. I’m clearly paying taxes. I’m not taking anything away. So the fact that people look at what’s happening and are like, ‘Pfft, they’re going to blow sh*t up’? It saddens me how much fear we’ve instilled in ourselves. And going from there to the whole, ‘Hey, let’s build a wall between Los Angeles and Mexico’ … I don’t even have to answer that one. There’s no point. It’s a really great sound bite. And it got him far. Nobody should be mad at him; we did it to ourselves.”

Not we, I’d say; some of ‘we’ might have done this but I will take no responsibility for the Rise Of Rump.

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Chris Mosier, first transgender athlete to appear in ESPN’s special ‘Body’ issue:

“I have wanted to be in the Body Issue for over a year. I think the reason I felt so inspired to do it is that I’m finally at a place where I feel very comfortable with my body. And as a trans person, being in a body that didn’t really fit me for 29 years, now I feel very comfortable in my own skin.”

Progress; and in of all places, a sports magazine.

The march goes on …

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Jude Law, on turning down the role of Superman, when it was offered to him by director Bryan Singer:

“I take the suit into the bathroom and I’m putting it on and I look around and I look in the mirror and suddenly I’m Superman. And the music kind of comes in. Then I have this picture of me in that costume in posters all over the world and I was like, ‘No way!’ And I unzipped it. But I was Superman for two minutes, that was enough.”

I am not really into the superhero movies, but I cannot see Jude Law as Superman.

Seriously. Jude Law?

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Tom McClintock, Teabagging Congressman from California, asking for sanctions against Democrats for that Gun Control Sit-In:

“The Constitution provides that the House may sanction members for disorderly behavior and the members responsible for the events of June 22 and 23 must be called to account for their actions, if we fail to do so we will have replaced the House rules with rules for radicals. [They] shouted down all with whom they disagreed, they blocked access to the microphones as members sought to address the chair and they illegally occupied the hall of the House — forcing an early adjournment and costing this House three full days of legislative deliberations.”

So says the Rightwingnut-Teabagging-Goose-Stepping-In-The-Pocket-Of-The-NRA-Blood-On-His-Hands asshat.

S.T.F.U.

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Alexander Skarsgård, on being flattered by his gay fan-base because he grew up with strong gay role models:

“It’s always been the most natural thing to me because my uncle and godfather is a gay man and so growing up, even as a little toddler, it was just as natural as being straight. My aunt would show up with her husband and my uncle would show up with his husband. He was, by far, out of my father’s four siblings, the most fashionable and the most trendy, cool guy. So, when I was a kid, he was the one I looked up to. I thought he was really badass: fit and awesome and cool, and obviously not because he was gay. When I became a teenager and the kids made fun of other teenagers who were gay, I never really understood that. It just baffled me because my idol, my godfather, was gay, and he was the coolest guy I knew. I just couldn’t understand how that could be an insult.”

When you know better, you do better; and so, when you know a gay person, you tend not to be a homophobe.

The operative word is tend; there are exceptions to every rule.

PS Lord is he hot.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

When last we left Taylor Swift and Katy Perry they were throwing shade at one another in interviews and on Twitter. Oh, they never say each other’s name, but it’s clear TayTay’s pissy with KayKay, and vice versa; about backup dancers and John Mayor, fer chrissakes!

And now Katy has upped the feud by cozying up to one of Swifty’s many, many, ex-boyfriends … Harry Styles … boyband Harry Styles.

A source — and we know it’s Katy “anonymously” fanning the flames of PopTartFeud — says Katy has been openly flirting with the tween-star:  “Katy had her hand on his arm and was playing with her hair – she was being really obvious.”

And so, naturally, someone passed a note to Taylor in English class and now a source from Taylor’s camp — and you know it’s actually Taylor because the other people in Taylor’s camp are probably grown-ups with real  problems — says:  “Taylor thinks Katy orchestrated this whole thing just to mess with her. It makes her blood boil that Katy has this sweet-as-pie image when she’s one of the most conniving girls in Hollywood. Taylor calls her ‘the evil one’ – that’s how much she hates her.”

Pot.Kettle … Both of you need to clam up, or maybe there should be a food fight in the cafeteria after school and settle this once and for all.

What do you give the child who has everything … except two parents who are constantly running around the globe without her?

Well, if you’re baby NorthSouthEastWest, you get dolls that look just like mommy Kim Kardastrophe and daddy KrayKray West so you never ever start thinking the nannies are your real parents.

I guess that’s easier than actually having to be around your child. And I imagine Kimye will commission talking I Love You NorthSouthEastWest dolls soon enough.

After kicking off her tour in Tokyo things started going downhill for Mariah Carey rather quickly.

First, her voice went, and then she dropped some hints during a cover of Billie Holiday’s ‘Don’t Explain’ that soon-to-be ex-husband Nick Cannon may have cheated on her.

In an audio recording from the show, you can hear Mimi change the lyrics from ‘Right or wrong don’t matter/And I know you cheat” to “I know you cheated, motherf–ker.”

First off, she’s no Jay Z when it comes to changing lyrics, and secondly I cannot imagine who would want Nick Cannon’s corny ass. But, if Mimi keeps this up, Tiny Bratz Doll Ariana Grande Latte will overtake her as the biggest diva in the world.

Short bites … rumors are swirling that Oprah wants to do a second season of the craptastic, lie-filled, Lindsay: On Her Own.

Seriously? That heifer needs to set down the cookies and think straight for a minute.

Y’all know that I think Gwyneth Paltrow is the worst, right? So high and mighty, so hardworking, such a great hardworking single mom with servants and million dollar paychecks; my.heart.bleeds. But what is fun about Goop is her feud with Domestic Diva, and Jailbird, Martha Stewart. 

What’s fun is how Martha laid down the law and told Paltrow she should stick to acting and stay out of the lifestyle game or risk being shivved at the Canyon Ranch spa during a mud bath. Or something.

And Gwyneth’s response? The “I don’t really care, I’m just being me” rant:

“First of all, no one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I’m shocked and devastated. I’ll try to recover. [She laughs] If I’m really honest, I’m so psyched that she sees us as competition. I’m so psyched. I really am. I think that when anybody criticizes anyone, it’s revealing more about where they are in time and space as opposed to where you are in time and space. I think generally we tend to lash out if we’re in a, you know it’s usually a reflection of something else.”

Bitch please. To say that Martha Stewart has anything to be intimidated by from Gwyneth “Harvey Weinstein Bought Me An Oscar” Paltrow is the height of hilarity. And it ain’t over because, you know, Martha always gets the last word, but that story is coming up …

So, The Brawlin’ Palins … a new police report details the fight that broke out at an Anchorage house party that including some of the Palin clan, like Blister, that blight on the family’s ass, who punched the host several times in the face.

No arrests were made, and no one wanted to press charges, but according to the report officers responded to the party after a report of a fight among about 20 people outside. According to incident reports, Blister, the grown-assed, single-mother, unemployed daughter of Mama Grizzly Bore™ punched the homeowner, Korey Klingenmeyer, several times and at one point ended up on the ground herself.

But the biggest and bestest part? Remember when the story broke and MGB™ took to Facebook to laugh the whole thing off as a lie because she wasn’t even in Alaska that night? Yeah, lie. The reports says that even though MGB™ was there, she didn’t throw any punches because, well, maybe she was drunk and passed out on the family snowmobile?

That sounds feasible … the family that brawls together falls together..

Well, we’re still waiting for the next Tom Cruise Handpicked Wife Pageant to begin, after a series of false starts.

First, he was rumored to be “romancing” his Mission: Impossible 5 co-star, Rebecca Ferguson because she was a Nicky Kidman look-a-like — how creepy is that, Tommy? But then he moved on from her and was set-up with Scientology robot, and OITNB actress Laura Prepon after a brief audition from Elisabeth Moss. And there were rumors that actress — writing that makes me laugh — and dancer, Julianne Hough, was on the short list, but then people began laughing about Tommy dating schoolgirls again — after practically marrying Katie Holmes at her high school prom — so he never went for Hough at all.

And now he’s set to make his move, ALLEGEDLY, and the National Enquirer says Tom’s ready to make his move with a woman closer to his own age, Sandra Bullock.

Oh.God.No. Run, Sandy, run.

According to the tabloid, friends of Tommy and Sandy are trying to set the two up for romance in what may be Hollywood’s hottest love new love match after Sandy’s divorce from her serial cheating husband, and after Tom’s third wife escaped the Cruise Compound with a sheet and a flashlight.

This story can’t be true. I mean, maybe it’s true that Tom’s people are putting out tabloid feelers but does anyone with half a brain think Sandra Bullock, sane, level headed down to earth Sandra Bullock, would ever hook-up, much less marry, Tiny Egomaniac Tommy Grrl Cruise?

Seriously? I mean look at that picture and the look on Sandy's face and the way she's leaning way back. Seriously, she's like someone get crazy away from me!

More tabloid gossip? Okay … Star Magazine is running a story that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s marriage is on the rocks after Ben had an affair with Gone Girl co-star Emily Ratajkowski. And after his addiction to gambling kept getting him thrown out of casinos.

Now, Star doesn’t outright accuse Ben of cheating because, well, lawsuit, but they do drop a lot of hints that there was some nasty happening and that Jennifer found out and so Ben pays the price … by gushing about his wife in interviews which has insiders whispering that their lovey-dovey talk is hiding their marital crisis.

Which began when Ben handpicked — pun intended — Emily to play his lover in the film, and then got really close to her during filming because, well, research?

Research, indeed. And this isn’t the first time Ben’s been accused of cheating; he boinked a stripper while dating JLo and rumor has it he was very close to Blake Lively during the filming of The Town.

And where there’s smoke, there’s Jennifer Garner burning Ben’s suits on the back lawn.

What is it with British men having babies left and right, all willy nilly, and with whomever?

First we had High Grant knocking up two different women at the same time, and now comes word that Jude Law impregnated yet another woman whom he is no longer dating.

Here’s the story: Jude Law and Sadie Frost were married for years, and had three children together. They split up around the time Jude was filming Cold Mountain, and it was rumored he had an affair with Nicole Kidman.  After Sadie dumped Jude he began boinking Sienna Miller until he began banging his kids’ nanny. Then Jude a one night stand with Samantha Burke which resulted in another baby, daughter Sophia.

Skip ahead to today because Jude got his ex-girlfriend Catherine Harding pregnant.

Does he have an aversion to birth control? Or is he trying to out-hugh Grant?

I guess when your TV show bombs and you no longer have a regular paycheck, you need to cut back on expenses, right? I mean, how else can we explain why Halle Berry, who was ordered last spring to pay 16K a month in child support to her ex-baby-daddy, Gabriel Aubry, along with over $100,000 in missed child support payments. And that was reduced from the monthly 20K she’d been court ordered to pay in 2012.

Now, Halle’s pissed, and unemployed, and complaining that Aubry he has been living off child support, and she wants it stopped; or at least she wants her payments lowered from 16K a month to 3K. She says Gabriel is perfectly capable of getting a job and that by reducing the support it will force him to get a job — and then she’ll say he can’t parent because he’s always working — and she says 3K a month is a nice dome for daughter Nahla to have a comfortable life — though not as comfortable as life with Mama which then means Halle will say Nahla is better off with her.

Halle needs to stop; she made a baby with a man and then moved on with another man, with whom she made another baby. She needs to stop.

I mean, who does she think she is, Jude Law? Hugh Grant?

Back to Martha’s feud with Goop, and Martha’s latest high-larious salvo.

In the new issue of Martha Stewart Living, Martha went full-out assault badass on Paltrow by playing off Gwyneth’s break-up announcement that she and Chris Martin were “consciously uncoupling.”

Here’s the page in the magazine and here’s what it says:

“Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having. Our holiday pies honor such so there’s a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.”

As you can see, “perfect marriage” is in BOLD!! Martha knows how to salt a wound.

Score: Stewart 2, Paltrow 1.

And what’s next? Jennifer Lawrence on the cover of Martha Stewart Living.

I.Can’t.Wait.

And, speaking of Jennifer Lawrence … We know Martha has a Goop Voodoo doll, but now even JLaw is taking swipes at Paltrow and her “lifestyle.”

In a new interview with Vanity Fair, Lawrence puts herself firmly in the bread-and-pasta crowd, saying gluten-free is “the new cool eating disorder, the ‘basically I just don’t eat carbs.’”

Now, that could be JLaw throwing shade at Goop because Paltrow is more famous now for her ALLEGED healthy eating than she is for her acting and recently published a cookbook of her favorite gluten-free recipes.

I sense a JLaw-MStew tag-team and I’m loving it.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lot’s to get through today, so I’ll keep the snark as short as possible …

So, we all know that a then-married-to-someone-else Tori Spelling hooked up with a then-married-to-someone-else Dean McDermott to do the Mattress Mambo and then left their respective spouses, married one another and had eight or so kids of their own. 

And we know that once a cheater always a cheater, so it was no surprise that Dean ALLEGEDLY kept the Mattress Mambo going with several other women — including the aptly named Emily Goodhand — during his marriage until those stories broke.

Now Dean has admitted himself to rehab for sex addiction because it was rehab or Tori was leaving … or taking it to Bravo and pitching it as a reality show … even though she has ALLEGEDLY known all about his Canadian Schtupping Trips for years.

Dean, for his part, has released a statement about not being able to keep his dick in his pants:

“I am truly sorry for the mistakes I have made and for the pain I’ve caused my family. I take full responsibility for my actions and have voluntarily checked myself into a treatment center to address some health and personal issues. I am grateful to be getting the help I need so I can become the husband and father my family deserves.”

But then it gets juicier … Apparently Tori hired a private eye to spy on Dean who came back to report that Dean has been, um, skimming money out of their accounts — which explains the lack of vasectomy money she was whining about a few months back — and the PI also reported that, wait for it, Dean has been cheating on Tori with multiple partners …

… of both sexes.

Now that’s a show for Bravo!

More on The Biebs following his arrest:

It looks like the DUI charges are being dropped because the Miami police bungled the numbers Go figure … Miami police. And it looks like the drag racing charges are being dropped because, you guessed it, the Miami police f**ked that up, too.

But here’s what we do know …

While Miss Justine was grinning like a douchebag in that mugshot, her demeanor while in custody is quite different. It’s been said that Bieber was “still under the influence” and “giggling like a teenage girl” while in custody, but as she sobered up and realized there was no one there to change her diaper she began sobbing and “crying his eyes out.”

Add to that, Bieber’s lady friend — code for call girl stripper — Chantel Jeffries, who was in the car when Miss Justine was arrested, had quite the arrest record herself. She’s been arrested five times, including once for speeding and once for misdemeanor assault with a deadly weapon when she stabbed another woman in the arm during a fight. Plus, Chantal is also the one who, ALLEGEDLY, is selling Bieber stories to the press, so we gotta thank her for that.

Justine’s mommy,  Pattie Mallette, is extremely worried about her toddler. It seems Justin never calls, rarely sends a check, and has added his daddy, Jeremy, to his posse; in fact, it seems ti was Daddy Jeremy who blocked off the street for JuBiebs Drag Race. 

And it seems The Biebs has turned on mommy; when cops asked what substances he took before his arrest, baby Biebs admitted to alcohol and weed, and added that he was also on prescription drugs, but he didn’t know what kind “because he just takes whatever his mom Pattie gives him.”

Scooter Braun — yes, a grown man named Scooter — who is Miss Thang’s agent blames everyone else other than his Toddler Paycheck for Justin’s troubles: 

“Everyone around him is urging him to seek help. There is massive concern right now. The concern is, we have to figure this out. We have to fix this and do whatever it takes. They think the problem is the people he is hanging out with. He has some issues to work on. Lil Za, Milk and Lil Twist are particularly bad influences on him.”

I think it might be the other way around. Justine is the bad influence on his friends, and his mommy and daddy.

Who knew that Rihanna and Lena Dunham were in a Girl Fight?

Well, it seems it all started when, after Rihanna got back together with Chris Brown after he beat the crap out of her, Lena said in an interview: 

“She’s had this amazing career. And then she gets back together with Chris Brown and posts a million pictures of them smoking marijuana together on a bed. And it cracks my heart in half.”

That chapped Rihanna’s hide, so when it came to be that Lena — one of the producers of her HBO show Girls — wanted to use Rihanna’s “Talk That Talk” in an episode RiRi was pleased as Rum Punch to say, “F**k no.”

And now RiRi, who never met a grudge she didn’t want to hold forever — except for Chris Brown who bashed her face in and she forgave him — she has told her peeps she wants to be at the next event Lena goes to so she can go off on her in person.

Girl fight.

Oh, this breaks my heart — he said while giggling feverishly — but the new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, which just debuted last week opposite football, Downton Abbey, Sherlock Holmes and The Good Wife, has taken a nose-dive in the ratings; like it's down a half million fewer viewers than last year.

Apparently people complained that the premiere was a major downer because it focused on That Woman and Bruce’s separation and Khloe and Lamar’s marriage drama — and no one other than That Woman likes to watch That Woman on TV. But the real problem seems to be that the Kardastrophes don’t realize they are just gossip and not real celebrities when they aren’t doing something interesting like getting knocked up by a rapper while still legally married to your husband of 72 days.

Now that’s TV, not That Woman and her drag queen husband, or the sister and her crackhead husband.

It doesn’t pay to piss off Sharon Osbourne; unless you’re wearing protective clothing.

At last weekend’s annual Clive Davis pre-Grammy party Sharon Osbourne got into a motherf**ker of a fight with Jonah Hill’s brother, Jordan Feldstein during dinner. And it got so bad, so fast, that Missus O started throwing food and water, and anything she could get her hands on, at Feldstein before he finally ran off.

Now, it’s no secret Sharon Osbourne has a bad temper but that she would start throwing food and drink — especially drink … what a waste of booze — at anyone while at a party is all kinds of crazy. But rumor has it that Missus O’s daughter, Kelly, was arguing with Feldstein at his table, pointing fingers and assaying all kinds of English things. Then, suddenly, a plate of food was flipped onto Jordan and he got up to walk away and so Sharon hurled a glass of water at him.

While the cause of the friction is still a mystery, the Osbournes have ALLEGEDLY had a long-running feud with Feldstein. It’s all very Real Housewives of New Jersey—they were a minute away from a table flip!

The Queen is BROKE.

The Queen is down to her “last” million because her “advisors” have overspent to such an extent that her reserve fund has fallen from £35 million in 2001 to just £1 million today; a report by the Commons public accounts committee found that the advisors failed to control her finances and allowed the royal palaces to “crumble”.

Both Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle are reported to be in urgent need of repair, with the staff running around with buckets whenever it rains to protect art and antiquities, while the Queen’s old boilers — no, not Camilla — were contributing to bills of £774,000 a year.

Still, let’s not clutch our pearls and act like the Queen is down to her last million; she's not. She's still worth an estimated 500 million so put away your airline tickets, there ain’t gonna be no garage sale at Buckingham Palace … this week.

So, last week we talked about Lindsay Lohan jetting from London to the Sundance film festival in Utah to hold a press conference “announcing” her new project. 

What’s unusual is that most folks don’t go to Sundance to promote a film that has no money, no script, and hell, not even a real star, Also, why have a press conference when you don’t answer questions from the press like, Who’s you john? Is Oprah footing your globe-trotting? 

Still, Lohan says her new film is called Inconceivable, and she was joined by one of the film’s producers, who spoke as if he had this film was the Second Coming ...of the first time Lindsay blew him. ALLEGEDLY.

So, what’s the problem? Well, it seems that the money behind this “film” is soaked in blood and cocaine because the producers — Randall Emmett and George Furla — are a pair of convicted cocaine dealers who are accused of orchestrating a contract killing in Moscow.

Lindsay. Cocaine. Mob hits. It’s just another day in the Life of Lohan.

Let’s time travel back to the good old days of 2005. Shall we?

In 2005, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston split, and Brangelina became a household name.

In 2005, Cocaine Kate Moss was photographed doing lines of white powder in a London club.

In 2005, Daniel Craig went from being Daniel who? To Bond, James Bond.

In 2005, Jude Law went from dating Sienna Miller to being dumped by Sienna Miler because he was schtupping his kids’ nanny.

In 2005, right after the story broke in 2005 about NannyBangingGate, Sienna was seen out and about with Daniel Craig, though the pair claimed to be “just friends.”

Now, let’s jump forward to 2013 and this week when Jude Law testified in the ongoing News of the World hacking trial today and brought up the whole Miller-Craig “friendship.”

During the trial, Law was present to testify about an October 2005 story that revealed then-girlfriend Miller was cheating on him with Daniel Craig. Well, Jude says it was all true, even though he says he just learned about the affair last August when he found out a family member had been leaking information to News of the World.

Jude testified that he had called Craig to “remonstrate” — to to disagree and argue or complain — him about banging Sienna, and Jude also said he told Daniel that he needed to come clean. Granted, this is supposed to be a story about how awful it is that someone in Jude’s family was selling stories about him to the press, but on a gossip level … ?

Sienna and Daniel Craig were banging, and Daniel and Jude’s friendship fell apart because of it. Sienna eventually made her way back to Jude and Daniel went back to his girlfriend at the time.

But it makes me laugh about Jude taking Daniel Craig to task for banging his girlfriend while Jude was banging his kids’ nanny at the same time; and it makes me laugh that Jude’s marriage to his baby mama broke up because he was banging Sienna Miller.

Jude needs to be “remonstrate” for all the banging he did.

That Woman wants the marriage of her demon-spawn, Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe to Kanye Kloseted West, to be sold and televised on E! just like Kim’s last wedding, you, know, the one that lasted a hot minute. But, as happens when you’re an offspring/moneymaker for That Woman, the idea is being put forth by Kim.

Yes, it seems Kim Kardastrophe really wants her wedding to Kanye to be televised on E! only this time it'll be better, and forever[?] because it'll be in Paris and Kanye's veryclosefriend Riccardo Tisci will design her gown; so wait, the boyfriend designs a wedding gown for his lover’s bride? ALLEGEDLY.

And it looks like it’ll happen. Yes, even though Kanye loathes photographers and intrusions into his life, he will succumb to the needs of his fame-hungry Baby Mama and her media-whoring mother, That Woman.

Kim ALLEGEDLY persuaded Kanye to let the cameras roll because E! will pick up most of the cost of the wedding and security, keeping out intrusive photographers or guests with cell phones. Plus, it’s all about ratings for that family, who’d sell out the death of a loved one if it garnered a larger percentage of the audience.

I won’t be watching the wedding, but I will be waiting for the split, about 73 days in ….

Back in 2011 Hugh Grant knocked up a woman named Tinglan Hong who gave birth to his daughter, Tabitha Grant, later that year. Rumor said it was a one-night schtup, where Hugh hooked up with a stranger and had unprotected sex which resulted in a lifelong paycheck for Mommy. Hugh bought Tinglan a new house and completely supports her, but does not live with her; he does, glad to report, spend a great deal of time with his daughter. But it seems like Hugh, while not being in love with Tinglan, does like to bang her because in 2012 she gave birth to Hugh’s second child, a son, Felix Chang Hong Grant.

And life went on with Baby Mama and her two Little Paydays until … Hugh Grant knocked up another woman, roughly about the same time he knocked up Tinglan for the second time.

It seems last September Hugh welcomed a second son, Hugh John Mungo Grant, but this time with Swedish TV producer Anna Elisabet Eberstein. The baby was born just three months before the birth of his second child with Tinglan.

Oh, so Hugh banged Anna, sperminated her with child, and then went to baby sit Tabitha, and while there he banged Tinglan again and sperminated her with a son. And now he’s bought Anna a lovely home and visits often to care for his son.

I think a couple of things:

A] Hugh really needs to learn about condoms, and …

2] Hugh should buy just one mansion to house his Baby Mama’s and offspring. I mean, why pay three mortgages?

So, it looks like the end of the Kanye To The Rescue beatdown of an 18-year-old is coming to an end.

Back-story: Kim Kardastrophe was in some sort of medical complex and a teenager tried to talk to her. When Kim basically told the kid to back off a little, the kid began screaming obscenities and racial slurs at her. Kim called Kanye, who raced over in his White Pradas and beat the crap out of the kid.

Kim wanted to sue because she thought the kid wanted to kill her and the kid wanted to sue because Kanye’s a bitch.

Well, the kid won. Kanye will pay him $250,000 in an out-of-court settlement, and yet the DA is till pondering filing charges against Kanye for the attack—and we all know that’ll never happen.

Moral of the Story: If you’re a big-assed media whore and feel unsafe ask for help, but don’t call your boyfriend who has a habit of attacking people for little or no reason.

Moral # 2: Get to California, call Kim a name, let Kanye smack you around a bit, and then wait for the check to clear.

Okay, so I give Madonna props for being a legend, for being an incredible artist whose career has spanned decades, who changed the world of pop music forever and offered provocative cultural shifts unlike any we’d seen ... blahblahblah

But, she’s also a media whore who will do anything to stay relevant and in the news.

Like referring to her white son as #disn***a as a term of endearment, and wearing a gold grill to the Grammys to piss people off because that’s what she said about it.

Madge told Miss Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet of the Grammys:

“Yeah, I’m grillin’. It pisses everybody off when I wear my grill, so that’s why I wear it. I wear it when I don’t have to eat. Actually, I’ve learned to eat with my grill in.”

So she does things to piss people off and then says she does things to piss people off because that’ll piss people off and they’ll talk about her.

Madonna needs to take a seat, or as Nelly told TMZ:

“Madonna fucked up. She needs to get her shit right.”