The Funny Papers

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GOP Dumpster Fire: Take Them At Their Word

There’s an old saying about when someone shows you who they are, believe them; and when someone says something, openly and publicly, believe that, too, and not the spin machine that envelopes the liar afterwards.

Here are a few examples of liars, and morons, and weirdos showing us who they are …

Moments before The Felon took the stage at the National Association of Black Journalists [NABJ] convention Ken Lemon, the organization’s president, was told that The Felon did not want to be fact-checked live and was refusing to go on stage:

“[His team] said, ‘Well, can you not fact check? He’s not going to take the stage if you fact-check.'”

The Q&A was delayed more than an hour before he eventually joined a panel of Black journalists and blamed the delay on audio problems.

Facts are hard when you’re a pathological liar.

George Stephanopoulos abruptly cut off a wild interview with Florida GOP Representative Byron Donalds after the congressman repeatedly dodged a question about The Felon potentially pardoning January 6 rioters who have been convicted of assaulting law enforcement officers. They also battled over comments made by The Felon questioning the racial identity of Vice President Kamala Harris.

Donalds denied The Felon ever said he would pardon the insurrectionists, a promise he has made many times, even as last as last week.

It’s like lying is second nature to the GOP.

J.D. Vance has been making headlines for his “rocky rollout” since being named The Felon’s running mate with his extreme, and extremely stupid comments; but now we learn that J.D. has some extreme investments.

He has had a six-figure stake in Rumble, an online video platform that hosts Russian propaganda and to far-right personalities like Stew Peters and Tim Pool. It has also featured explicitly neo-Nazi images and themes like a song touting the “Reich” and calling for Jews to be placed in ovens from a “dissident rapper.”

I imagine J.D. did Nazi this story coming out?

Fox News’ resident Box of Wine, Jeanine Pirro is questioning Vice President Kamala Harris’ sobriety since taking office:

“Her past three-and-a-half years in the White House has been a joke. You have to look at this woman and say, you know, ‘Is she sober during the last three-and-a-half years?’”

For someone who, in 2020, seemed to be having so much to drink fun while working from home that she was late to her own show—which ran for fifteen minutes before Pirro appeared—and when she finally did show up, she looked three sheets, or five sheets, to the wind, slurring and stammering, maybe Judge Boxed Wine isn’t the right person to question sobriety in anyone but herself.

In another show of how he prefers Russia over America, The Felon congratulated Vladimir Putin over a prisoner swap that took place this week, saying the Russian strongman had outsmarted U.S. officials as part of the largest such deal since the end of the Cold War.

He said not one word about the Americans coming home because he cares not about them; his only concern is congratulating Putin.

The U.S. Senate campaign of Republican Bernie Moreno took to X last week to claim that because of the Biden administration’s policies, migrants have “destroyed” Ohio communities. But, when asked to name which communities  had been harmed by migration, where the migrants doing the destruction came from, and how the communities had been harmed Moreno couldn’t answer.

Liars can’t answer.

The Felon says President Kamala Harris wouldn’t be able to stand up to world leaders because of her appearance, adding that he didn’t want to spell it out but viewers would know what he meant:

“She’ll be like a play toy … They’re going to walk all over her. And I don’t want to say as to why. But a lot of people understand it.”

No, only racists understand it; it disgusts other people.

J.D. Vance, in another resurfaced interview:

“To be a little stark about this, I think we have to go to war against the anti-child ideology that exists in our country. Not enough people have accepted that if they put their entire life’s meaning into their credential, into where they went to school, into what kind of job they have …”

This is the same guy who stood at a podium and listed off his resume while questioning Kamala’s accomplishments and never once mentioned his children.

J.D. likes rules for everyone else and different rules for himself; typical Republican.

The Felon posted a bonkers conspiracy theory suggesting that the FBI had advance knowledge of—or even ordered—the assassination attempt against him:

 “WHAT DID YOU KNOW AND WHEN DID YOU KNOW ABOUT IT? RETRUTH IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO ORDERED THE ASSASSINATION OF ]The Felon].”

I still think the call was coming from inside Mar-Illegal … say Melanie’s room?

J.D. Vance, in yet another resurfaced video:

“I’ve seen people who become more attached to their communities, to their families, to their country, because they have children … And of course, you talk about going on Twitter … and almost always, the people who are most deranged and most psychotic are people who don’t have kids at all.”

I wonder if J.D. reads The Felon’s Truth Social posts, or Junior or The Dumb One’s twitter rants, or even his own incoherent, hate-filled, sociopathic bull shiz on Twitter.

Daily Wire host Michael Knowles claiming Pete isn’t gay:

“I’ve always taken Pete at his word that he is a homosexual. However, I have some friends including a homosexual friend of mine, Spencer Klavan, who has said for a long time that Pete Buttigieg is not really gay. I’m not saying he’s a straight white guy. I’m saying this is the conspiracy theory. ‘He’s a straight white guy.’ So he’s got this problem. Right? He’s over there at Harvard. He says, ‘Shoot, man. I’m not gonna rise very far in liberal politics if I’m the most evil type of person in the world, a straight white guy. So I need something. I need some struggle.’”

Yes, Pete “turned” gay, met a man, married that man, and then had children with that man, but he’s not gay he just wants to get ahead in politics.

I kinda think Matty wishes he was homosexual.

North Dakota Governor and failed VP candidate—until perhaps The Felon dumps J.D. Weirdo—Doug Burgum claimed that Russia only agreed to a prisoner swap with the United States because they think The Felon is going to win the presidential election in November.

Then why not wait and give the glory to the gelatinous mound of orange flesh? Why give Biden the win?

Because Joe did it, Dougie.

J.D. Vance defended The Felon’s lies about Kamala Harris’ racial identity, saying that it was “totally reasonable” to describe the vice president as someone who “pretends to be somebody different, depending on the audience she’s talking to.”

Vance, who is the father of three biracial children, said The Felon’s comments “don’t give me pause at all.”

J.D. is a racist, a fascist, a moron, a self-loathing hypocrite, a traitor; and fucking weird.

South Carolina’s Supreme Court has approved of death by firing squad. And the Governor, Henry McMaster McDisaster, weighed in on the ruling:

“The Supreme Court has rightfully upheld the rule of law. This decision is another step in ensuring that lawful sentences can be duly enforced and the families and loved ones of the victims receive the closure and justice they have long awaited.”

The state’s highest court upheld the firing squad, electric chair and lethal injection as methods of execution because, in South Carolina, it’s still 1920.

The Felon asked when Kamala “turned Black.”

That’s all; that’s enough.

The man is a racist; those who stand up for him are racists. He’s told us he’ll be a dictator on Day One; he’s told us he’ll punish all his enemies; his people, 144 of them, created Project 2025 so even when he says he knows nothing about it, he’s lying.

He cannot be allowed in the Oval Office ever again … not even as a tourist.

I Didn't Say It ...

Kristi Noem, continuing to try and spin the killing of a dog into anything that represents a good, kind thing to do:

“I can understand why some people are upset about a 20-year-old story of Cricket, one of the working dogs at our ranch, in my upcoming book—No Going Back. The book is filled with many honest stories of my life, good and bad days, challenges, painful decisions, and lessons learned. What I learned from my years of public service, especially leading South Dakota through COVID, is people are looking for leaders who are authentic, willing to learn from the past, and don’t shy away from tough challenges. My hope is anyone reading this book will have an understanding that I always work to make the best decisions I can for the people in my life. The fact is, South Dakota law states that dogs who attack and kill livestock can be put down. Given that Cricket had shown aggressive behavior toward people by biting them, I decided what I did. Whether running the ranch or in politics, I have never passed on my responsibilities to anyone else to handle. Even if it’s hard and painful. I followed the law and was being a responsible parent, dog owner, and neighbor. As I explained in the book, it wasn’t easy. But often the easy way isn’t the right way.”

She will talk and talk and talk and try to justify killing a young dog rather than give it to someone who could care for it, but she will never, ever talk about her MAGAt make-over.

And perhaps those new blown-up lips make her stories shift?

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Mitt Romney, distancing himself and his own dog story from that of Kristi “Dog Killer” Noem:

“I didn’t eat my dog. I didn’t shoot my dog. I loved my dog, and my dog loved me.”

Mittsy, if you recall, says Noem’s “tale of slaughter” in her upcoming book is nothing like him being criticized for tying his dog Seamus to the roof of the family car during a cross-country trip.

True; he didn’t kill a dog, her just terrorized it. Noem, on the other hand murdered her dog because she “hated” it, and because it wasn’t a good hunter.

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Jeanine Pirro, Fox New’s resident boxed wine sommelier, on Kristi “Dog Killer” Noem:

“I have four rescues, and I have a puppy. I gotta tell you, you know what she’s done is, she’s sabotaged herself, whether or not it was to, you know, buttress what was coming down the road. She also managed to unite the right and the left. Because America—if nothing else, we are dog lovers. And don’t tell me you shot a puppy because it wasn’t used to hunting. You know, maybe you’re not a good teacher.”

I don’t think Noem united the two sides but she did show that Noem is woefully out of touch with the GOP if she thinks they approve of her murdering a fourteen-month-old dog because she didn’t like it.

Even Cruella was that much of a DeVil.

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Chris Plante, Newsmax host, showing his true racist colors:

“Illegals from Venezuela, Cuba, Nicaragua, and Haiti—where cannibalism is popular these days. Flying them mostly to swing states across the country. No electoral politics going on here. This is pretty obviously Joe Biden and the Democrats sticking it to Ron DeSantis, right? And sticking it to Florida and trying to move the demographic needle in Florida. And of course, you know, you put all the people in there, it’s like the Democrats during slavery times like the three-fifths of a person a slave because it gave them more seats in the House of Representatives, and they’re doing the same thing. The illegal aliens are effectively three-fifths of a person and they’re flooding them by 160,000 into the state of Florida. Much more than any other state, and it’s because they’ve got a problem with Ron DeSantis.”

No evidence of this, but Newsmax and Plante, like Fox News and Tucker, don’t worry about facts.

Plante recently accused President Biden of inciting civil war, when he declared that AI is racist against white people; he claimed Dr. Jill Biden dressed as Hitler for Halloween, and stated that late Capitol Police officer Brian Sicknick was actually killed by the COVID vaccine.

Truth doesn’t matter to these people because they have no souls.

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Mike Johnson, speaking to CNN’s Jake Tapper, on the alleged—or not so alleged—GOP plan to pass a national abortion ban:

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about—national abortion ban. No. Listen, [Hair Furor] has said this very well. Look, I’m pro-life personally, but I have 434 colleagues. You have to build a political consensus. After cultural consensus, Breitbart famously observed that politics is downstream from culture, and there is no consensus at the moment on what to do at the federal level so that’s not on the legislative agenda.”

Mike Johnson and the majority of House Republicans all support the “Life Begins At Conception Act” that would ban all abortions nationwide and rip away access to IVF.

That’s a fact. And God is watching faux-Christian Mike Johnson and She is not happy.

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Chris Sununu, New Hampshire GOP Governor, throwing his support for Hair Furor to win in 2024:

“I’m going to support the ticket. I’m going to support [Thing 45]. It won’t be his party forever. Right? It just won’t. At some point, [Thing 45] won’t be here forever. Let me put it a different way: Assholes come and go. But America is here to stay.”

Sununu has referred to Thing 45 as an “asshole” and once joked that he belongs in a mental institution, and who campaigned like hell for Nikki Haley, You’re an asshole, throwing your support behind a man you think should be locked up.

That’s the Kool Aid drinking, goose-stepping GOP.

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Sonia Sotomayor, Supreme Court Justice, droning arguments on Hair Furor’s immunity case:

“I am having a hard time thinking that creating false documents, that ordering the assassination of a rival, that accepting a bribe and countless other lies could be broken for personal gain, that anyone would say that it would be reasonable for a president or any public official to do that.”

Sotomayor spells it out plain and simply, though the rightwing justices are too simple, and too much in debt to Hair Furor, to understand.

You do this for Hair Furor, then you do it for every president.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Larry David, Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm creator, on CNN, bashing Thing 45:

“You can’t go a day without thinking about what he’s done to this country because he’s such a little baby that he’s thrown 250 years of democracy out the window by not accepting the results of the―I mean, it’s so crazy, he’s such a sociopath, he’s so insane, he just couldn’t admit to losing. And we know he lost. He knows he lost. And look how he’s fooled everybody, he’s convinced all these people that he didn’t lose. He’s such a sick man. He’s so sick.”

You’re being too kind, Larry, he’s a sociopath and a criminal and rapist and racist.

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Jeanine Pirro, Fox News’ resident Box of Chardonnay, showing off her ignorance and hypocrisy:

“You know, people want to hear divergent points of view, and that’s why they tune into this show. And the sad part about it is that MSNBC has an opportunity to bridge the divide, to try to bring the country closer, to use the long-tested way of of testing for the truth. And that is cross-examination. That’s how this country is determined, what the truth is in jury trials for centuries. But they’re not interested in that. They are literally authoritarian leftist. If you don’t believe in their ideology, and if you dare to veer from that conga line, then you are not allowed. And there is no personal freedom. There is none of that. It’s strict adherence to an ideology or you’re out. Honestly, what I think is those hosts should apologize to their viewers and say, we’re sorry, that we want to impose one ideology on all of you and anyone who differs from us is a liar.”

Hey Jeanine, take your lips off the box wine and listen up: the RNC has said it will not hire anyone who says the 2020 election was a real, true, fair election.

The hypocrisy is coming from inside your party.

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Rachel Maddow, MSNBC prime time host, blasting her own network over its decision to hire former RNC Chair, and Big Liar Ronna McDaniel as a political commentator:

“If you care what I think about this, the fact that McDaniel is on the payroll at NBC News, to me that is inexplicable. You wouldn’t hire a wise guy … a made man, like a mobster, to work in a DA’s office. You wouldn’t hire a pickpocket to work as a TA screener. And so, I find the decision to put her on the payroll inexplicable. Take a minute, acknowledge that maybe it wasn’t the right call,” she said. “It is a sign of strength, not weakness, to acknowledge when you are wrong. And our country needs us to be strong right now.”

McDaniel’s hiring set off a firestorm of criticism inside the network and McDaniel was subsequently ley go because the people spoke up.

That’s how this works!

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Nancy Mace, South Carolina’s goose-stepping, flip-flopping, GOP Congressperson, on the tragedy at the Key bridge this week:

“Look at the $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill that was done a couple of years ago that the left hails as this massive success, but it was mostly Green New Deal. Actually, in that bill, $110 billion went to surface transportation, which is roads and bridges, and, of that $110 billion, $70 billion went to public transportation, leaving only $40 billion for traditional roads and bridges. If you live along the coast or you live near water, you know that our bridges are rusting out.”

Of note is that Nancy Mace is a fvcking liar: she not only voted against the infrastructure bill, she later claimed credit for a South Carolina project funded by the bill.

That’s Nancy Mace: fvcking liar.

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Warren Limmer, Minnesota state GOP Senator, argued against a proposal for safe storage requirements for firearms because cows are dangerous:

“You even walk too close to a cow, and it’ll take you down and trample you into dust. Fumbling around with a lock while a cow or a bull or any other animal is going after your daughter or your son—you can’t fumble around with a key or try and find the lockbox or put your thumb on a biometric key of some sort in your home while the danger is outside. This bill puts those individuals in even more danger.”

Wow. Cows.

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Alexandra Billings, actress, transwoman and trans advocate, on self-loathing transphobe Caitlyn Jenner:

“Since she can remember Caitlyn Jenner has been worshipped and adored by an international audience. When she finally found the courage to live her life openly and without shame, she became an instant icon. Without having paved the way for anyone but her, we all gathered around and once again, gave her the global attention she so deeply demanded. As she began to slip back into obscurity and her life became about how to navigate her life like every other trans person in America, the dullness and dreariness become a reality. So she, like many of us, climbed back into her shame that she lived with for decades and now, found a group of people, mostly conservative and mostly religious to the point of fanaticism, and found a family of self-loathing rule makers. Just like her. Her life of living wealthy and white and male presenting came back to her as if it had never left, and now, as our country has been given the blue ribbon for prejudice and transphobia by an orange tanned maniac and his red hatted cultists, Caitlyn has settled back into her privilege, spouting rhetoric even she doesn’t understand and yet finally being what she started out as: A self-seeking attention grabbing rich white privileged Transwoman who pretends to hate the attention, her whiteness and her privilege, all while cozying up to a group of people who abhor the very thing she thinks she isn’t. She exhausts me and I’m sick of paying attention to her. This will be the last post I will ever write about her. Because for me, all the Transwomen that I knew who gave their lives so that I may have the ability to sit here and write about my feelings and live my life honestly and without self-doubt and shame, demand I spend my time being of service to the revolution at hand, and not wasting it on a human whose reflection is aging like the picture of Dorian Grey. Goodbye Caitlyn. You are trauma to me. You are all of the bad people that did all of the bad things to me and pretended they were my friend. You are a see-through hero wearing a villain’s cape. You are a phony. And I cannot look at you anymore. Goodbye Caitlyn. And strangely, I still hope you find your way.”

Word.

Jenner is a disgusting disgrace.

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I Didn't Say It

Jeanine Pirro, Fox News’ Otis the Drunk, on the news that a Patriots fan died after a stadium melee with Dolphins fans:

“In this world today, we’re all winners, okay? No one is being taught that, you know, that there’s a winner and there’s a loser. Everybody is a winner, everybody gets a trophy, that’s what’s going on in schools today. It’s almost like, then you go to a game and there really are losers. And it’s amazing that people who don’t even have skin in the game, they’re not even a part of the team, they’ve become so outraged that they are willing to kill somebody. And we shouldn’t have to see stabbings and beatings that end up in a homicide at a sporting event where people supposedly, as you say, go to forget their problems and to join other people ... [We] are in a world where there is a lack of civility, there is a lack of consequence, there is a lack of law enforcement. There is chaos and anarchy. There is no law and order anymore.”

This woman needs to a take a breathalyzer before opening her chardonnay-infused yap because the ignorance should be illegal.

PS Aunt Boozehound? No law and order hit a peak when your boy sent a mob to the capitol to try and overthrow an election.

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Lauren Boebert Groper, lying about vaping in a theater … lying about taking photos in a theater … lying about singing loudly in a theater … lying about being groped in a theater … and lying about stroking her date’s dick in a theater, and blaming it on her divorce that she filed:

“The past few days have been difficult and humbling, and I’m truly sorry for the unwanted attention my Sunday evening in Denver has brought to the community. While none of my actions or words as a private citizen that night were intended to be malicious or meant to cause harm, the reality is they did and I regret that. There’s no perfect blueprint for going through a public and difficult divorce, which over the past few months has made for a challenging personal time for me and my entire family. I’ve tried to handle it with strength and grace as best I can, but I simply fell short of my values on Sunday. That’s unacceptable, and I’m sorry. Whether it was the excitement of seeing a much-anticipated production or the natural anxiety of being in a new environment, I genuinely did not recall vaping that evening when I discussed the night’s events with my campaign team while confirming my enthusiasm for the musical. Regardless of my belief, it’s clear now that was not accurate; it was not my or my campaign’s intention to mislead, but we do understand the nature of how this looks. We know we will have to work to earn your trust back and it may not happen overnight, but we will do it. I’m deeply thankful to those in the 3rd District who have defended me and reached out this week and offered grace and support when I needed it the most. I’ve learned some humbling lessons these past few days but I vow moving forward, I will make you proud.”

As you can see, she’s only sorry she got busted for being a pathological liar and not for behavior that, as many pointed out, would have spawned countless outraged cultist headlines and hissy fits had it been a prominent LGBTQ person or a Democrat.

Fuck off, escort.

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Ron DeSantis, leaping on the biggest “story” in right wing media today. Which is what clothes John Fetterman wears to work:.

“He wears like sweatshirts and hoodies and shorts, and that’s his thing. So he would campaign in that—which is your prerogative, right? I mean, if that’s what you want to do. But to show up in the United States Senate with that and not have the decency to put on proper attire? I think it’s disrespectful to the body, and I think the fact that the Senate changed the rules to accommodate that I think speaks very poorly to how they consider that. Look, we need this country, we need to be lifting up our standards in this country. Not dumbing down our standards in this country and this is an example why.”

I was going to say something but then Fetterman beat me to it:

“I dress like he campaigns.”

Snap. But then he also added:

“[Aren't] aren’t there more important things we should be talking about rather than if I dress like a slob?”

Okay, I will say this: I don’t think Mister Go-go boots should be talking fashion.

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Jenna Ellis, traitor to America on January 6, still pissed about Inmate # P01135809’s lack of cash for her defense, now coming out against her former boss:

“I know him well as a friend, as a former boss, I have great love and respect for him personally. But everything that you just said resonates with me as exactly why I simply can’t support him for elected office again. Why I have chosen to distance is because of that, frankly, malignant narcissistic tendency to simply say that he’s never done anything wrong. And the total idolatry that I’m seeing from some of the supporters that are unwilling to put the Constitution and the country and the conservative principles above their love for a star is really troubling. And I think that we do need to, as Americans and as conservatives and particularly as Christians, take this very seriously and understand where are we putting our vote.”

Too little, too late, you little traitorous prom queen. You’re only saying this because he hasn’t hired you a lawyer or paid for your bond or taken you to McDonald’s for a post-arraignment Big Mac.

Sorry, not sorry, Jenna.

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Ana Navarro, The View co-host, blasting Lauren Groper and others in the GOP for their Family Values hypocrisy:

“No [Bobo], you weren’t eccentric. You were X-rated! This was not a performance of Fifty Shades Of Grey, it was a performance of Beetlejuice. This weekend I was reading all this stuff and I was thinking to myself, ‘it’s like Republicans gone wild. You’ve got this woman—Boebert—getting kicked out because she was getting fondled in the middle of a matinee. Then you’ve got Kristi Noem, the governor of [South] Dakota, who’s allegedly in an affair with Corey Lewandowski, who’s also married—both of them are. Then you’ve got [Mr-Former-Fake-One-Term-Twice-Impeached-Currently-Four-Time-Criminally-Indicted-Not-My-President-Gurl …  hat tip to Randy Rainbow], who’s like 50 points ahead of everybody else. Cheated on his first wife with a second, on the second with the third, on the third with a stripper and a Playboy Bunny, who they had to pay hush money to. I’ll tell you what the problem with all of this is. It’s the hypocrisy! The hypocrisy of it all! God forbid a child see the fake boobies of a drag queen. Apparently, the fake boobies of a trash queen are OK.”

This latest bit of hypocrisy from the GOP proves that saying that every GOP accusation is an admission of guilt, because, look around, it’s not Democrats giving hand jobs in the theater, or cheating on their spouses for decades, or cheating on their three different spouses.

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