Snarky Thoughts

Reality show “star” and future prisoner of Cellblock Q, Todd Chrisley has “fired back” at claims that he had an affair with Mark Braddock, his ex-business partner who turned him in for bank fraud. Todd says he would never get fucked by Mark and would rather be rumored to be fucked by Brad Pitt or George Clooney. 

My Thought: Yes, straight men sit around and think about who they’d like to fuck them. Bend over and pick up the soap, Todd.

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Last year, Bond producers put the kibosh on my dream of seeing 50-year-old Idris Elba donning James Bond’s tuxedo by saying that they’re looking for an actor in his 30s to take over the role from Daniel Craig. And to that end they have met with 32-year-old Aaron Taylor-Johnson, left, and 30-year-old Lucien Laviscount.

My Thought: I’ve seen Taylor-Johnson nekkid and he is what I would call more 0014 than 007, if you get my meaning, but I’m still leaning toward dreamy Lucian to shake my martini.

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After last year when Ryan Seacrest pitched a hissy because Drunk Andy Cohen called him and his New Year’s Eve show “boring,” this year Ryan is pissy because Sober Andy Cohen ignored him during the end of the year festivities when Ryan tried to wave at him in Times Square.

My thought: Come on out, Ryan, and ask Cohen on a date, because it’s clear you have some fixation on him.

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Once again Khloé Kardastrophe has changed her appearance and once again she claims it’s because of her hair or her make-up or her new clip-in bangs. After Khloé’s cover shoot for Sorbet magazine many of Taylor Swift fans accused Khloé of stealing Swifty’s look, while Khloé  took to The Gram to blame it on the choppy bangs.

My Thought: I don’t get Taylor Swift at all, but I also don’t get Khloé Kardastrophe. She should figure out who she wants to look like, because it sure isn’t herself, and it’ll never be Beyoncé or Swifty.

PS Here's some of Khloé’s transformations through the years.

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Is Mimi trying to be the George Santos of the music industry now? While Mariah Carey has called herself the Queen of Christmas forever, this year after seeking to trademark the title, and being told to Piss Off, she graciously gave the title to Darlene Love and all seemed right with the world. Until Mariah decided to tell the tale that she wrote her Christmas “classic” all by her lonesome and not with her writing partner Walter Afanasieff, who then came for Mimi:

“She started to hint at the fact that, ‘Oh, I wrote that song when I was a little girl.’ But why weren’t you saying that for 12 or 13 or 15 years prior to that? So it just sort of developed in her mind. She doesn’t play anything, she doesn’t play keyboard or piano. She doesn’t understand music, she doesn’t know chord changes and music theory or anything like that. She doesn’t know a diminished chord from a minor seventh chord to a major seventh chord, so to claim that she wrote a very complicated chord-structured song with her finger on a Casio keyboard when she was a little girl, it’s kind of a tall tale.”

For her part, Mimi says she never said that BUT in 2017, during an interview with Billboard, she said:

“I am proud of this song that I wrote basically as a kid on my little Casio keyboard.” 

And then as liars do, she changed the story again, saying now:

“I was up at the farm, upstate where we did the video, and it was nighttime, and I was just walking around, and I got the idea for the song. I don’t know where it came from, sometimes things just come to me like that. That melody just came into my head, the verse melody. And then, I was walking around, and I just went in and I had a little keyboard set up there and I just kind of finished the lyrics and the melody just came pretty quickly.”

My Thought: All I want for Christmas is for Mariah to stop talking and stop caterwauling that song.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Kevin Spacey, former Oscar-winning thespian, current Hollywood perv, is, again, severely out of touch.

According to a new Hollywood Reporter piece detailing Spacey’s legal troubles, during a legal deposition, Spacey “sprung up from his seat” and performed a song-and-dance number.

Seriously. Sadly, no one had picked Kevin Spacey Channels Judy Garland During the Deposition on their Bingo card so there is no video.

But we do know from folks who witnessed the show, that Spacey’s performance happened during his legal battle with former employer, Media Rights Capital, who produced House of Cards, and are seeking tens of millions of dollars in damages they suffered after the allegations against Spacey came out. Spacey, of course, countersued, saying they owe him money.

Anyway, after more than a year of private negotiations, the Spacey case was submitted to an arbitrator in February 2020, right before the lockdown began. And, like everything in Spacey’s world, the legal proceedings quickly turned bizarre when Spacey sprung up from his seat and performed a song-and-dance number in the conference room.

No word on what he sang, or if he brought tap shoes but I’m guessing he’s practicing his fancy footwork as a way of getting out of this mess. Not guilty by reason of being a showman?

And this lawsuit isn’t Spacey’s only legal battle. While three of his sexual misconduct accusers have died—illness, suicide, hit by a car—he’s still being sued for sexual assault by one of his ex-acting students from the ’80s—who was 14 at the time; Anthony Rapp is also a plaintiff in that suit, and he was also 14 when Kevin allegedly assaulted him. And then there are the six sexual assault accusations out of London, where Spacey lived while running the Old Vic theatre. The Brits are still deciding whether to press criminal charges against him, based on findings made by Scotland Yard’s Child Abuse and Sexual Offences Command.

I wonder what he’ll sing at that hearing.

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In most of America when someone puts a For Sale sign in the yard, it means you wanna sell your house. But in Hollywood, people start wondering and gossiping.

Case in point: the recent story that 54-year-old director Sam Taylor-Johnson and her husband, 30-year-old Aaron Taylor-Johnson, put their house on the market is leading people to speculate that the Taylor-Johnsons are over after nine years of marriage.

Perhaps the rabid speculation spurred on by a For Sale sign is the relationship between Sam and Aaron. They met while filming 2009’s Nowhere Boy—she directed it, he played John Lennon; he was 18 at the time—just 6 years older than one of Sam’s children—and she was 42 and married, with two daughters. But Sam divorced her husband and started dating Aaron, and a year later they had a child together; 18 months later had their second child. And then they got married. So, she’s an older woman and she was his boss, so clearly there’s something creepy about all this and that’s why the rumors spread?

Or maybe they love each other and simply want to move, because everyone knows that, in Hollywood, if you want people to talk about your relationship ending, you take off your wedding ring around photographers.

But … but … if the story is true, and the couple are splitting up, and Aaron needs a place to stay, we have a lovely guest room here at Casa Bob y Carlos and it would take just a couple of minutes to move Carlos;’ things in there.

Just sayin’. I’ve seen Aaron fully nekkid in A Million Little Pieces and it’s spectacular.

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Once again Tristan Thompson has been accused of cheating on Khloé Kardastrophe.

Who did not see that coming? I mean, Tristan began dating Khloé after dumping his pregnant girlfriend for her; and then he knocked up Khloé and cheated on her while she was pregnant; and now, big surprise, he’s accused of cheating again with one Sydney Chase, an Instagram model.

Sydney is either a fool, the dumbest woman on the planet, or just a ho because she claims she had no idea Tristan had a girlfriend.

Khloé, on the other hand is either a fool, the dumbest woman on the planet, or just a ho because she doesn’t believe he cheated on her,

Again.

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Sure, these days you may know Alyssa Milano more from her work with the #MeToo movement, or her political Tweets, or her just plain outspokenness, but Milano made a name for herself on Who’s The Boss?, Melrose Place and Charmed.

So, recently, someone on social media went after Milano, claiming her career is basically over, and saying, “Sad how a washed-up actress is still trying to be important,” Milano was not having it. And because she’s the person who will respond to Tweets, she did so:

“I get a lot of those. Usually, it comes from people who identify as a different political party than I do. You see, I identify with the party who believes in equality and equity and opportunity for everyone, and also the party who fights for the most vulnerable and the marginalized communities. But beyond just that, just because you say something to be hurtful, it doesn’t make it true. I have consistently worked since I was 7 years old, and you can just fuck off now and move along.”

Zero fucks. I love that.

Simply put don’t come for Milano unless she sends for you.

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