It's Snarkurday!

Look, I am about the furthest thing from straight that you can get, but if I were a straight man ::: giggle snort ::: and I was JLo’s man, you can bet I’d be keeping it in my pants and only banging my bank account, er, girlfriend, instead of stepping out on her. But, while Casper Smart is a straight man ::: giggle snort ::: he’s a not-so-bright straight man because he’s been dumped by Lopez again for being a cheater.

Seriously, Casper, the only thing you have to do in life is do whatever Jennifer Lopez tells you to do … her laundry, bathe the kids, walk the dog, satisfy her sexually, measure her ass to make sure it’s still huge, and yet you feel the need to once again dip your wick in some other, um, pool?

And, hon, if you’re gonna cheat, you cheat up, to someone more famous, with more money; you don’t cheat down because now you’re coin-less and out of a job.

Oh Lindsay Lohan … She desperately wants to be a businesswoman because, well, acting is just about over for her … unless you count acting the fool on social media a career. She tried to corner the market on leggings and spray tans and apps for your phone and they all bombed quicker than her last film so now she’s put her name where her mouth is, and where the vodka goes in …

Yes, Lindsay Lohan has announced on Instagram that she is opening a nightclub called LOHAN in Athens. I was thinking Freaky Friday might have been a better name for a Lohan bar; or The Boyfriend Trap; Lindsay Fully Loaded? Seriously, what does Lindsay Lohan know about being a bar owner, other than getting drunk in a bar; stealing another woman’s fur coat in a bar; starting a fight in a bar; passing out under a bar?

To be fair, Lohan is actually a part owner of the bar; her friend-slash-john, Greek restaurateur Dennis Papageorgiou is technically the owner but Lindsay will get a percentage which she will promptly drink up, causing the bar to go out of business about an hour after it opens.

Just saying.

Donald’s cohort in PussyGat, Bill Bush is now officially fired from NBC and is ALLEGEDLY getting a $10 million payout.

He’s been on the job a hot minute and gets ten mil for being publicly outed as a douchebag of Donald-Proportions? Casper Smart couldn’t even get a deal like that and he was Lopez’, um, well, he grabbed her, um, look Casper walked away with the clothes on his back and Bush gets millions.

Oy. Next up Billy Bush comes cleans on Dr. Phil and then appears on Dancing With The Stars. Mark.My.Words.

And now more Lohan … Since she’s owned a nightclub for roughly thirty seconds now, Lindsay has announced that she will also open a line of spas. But it isn’t all about booze and facials for Lindsay; no, she also wants to, and I’ll let her say it, offset all of this capitalism by “creating and distributing organic health drinks” for refugees.

Yes, she’s gonna make smoothies for refugees! Lohan … the gift that keeps on giving … though I imagine her “organic health drinks” are at least 100-proof.

I should’a married Phil Collins when I had the chance. I would’a Sussudio’d him to the poor house.

See, Phil divorced his third wife, Orianne Cevey, back in 2008 and paid her what was then a record for divorce settlements in the UK: he paid Orianne $30.5 million! And now, the two are back together eight years later and Phil says she is keeping the money.

Seriously; I could’a been Mr. Phil Collins for a couple of years, pocketed a cool thirty million and been set for life.

I don’t get Azealia Banks. I mean, rumor has it she’s a singer or something but all I ever hear about her is when she explodes on Twitter against The Gays or gets kicked off a plane or starts a feud with someone.

In a now-deleted Facebook post, Banks claims that Russell Crowe choked her, spit at her, called her the N-word and threw her out of his hotel suite. 

Russell Crowe and Azealia Banks? Mismatch. But, multiple witnesses says that Banks was tossed from Russell’s suite, but not because he was a jerk but because she was a hot mess who threatened to stab him and another guest.

On the night in question, Russell hosted a dinner party for 10 people in his hotel suite; Crowe invited rapper RZA, who directed him in The Man with the Iron Fists, and RZA brought Banks, who says this is what happened:

“To recap my night, I went to a part [sic] at Russell crowes [sic] suite, at which he called me a n***er, choked me, threw me out and spat at me. Last night was one of the hardest nights of sleep I’ve had in a long time. The men in the room allowed it to happen. I feel terrible today.”

Party guests, though, have a different take; they say Crowe never called Banks a slur and only put his hands on her because she was about to throw a glass. They say the whole mess started when Azealia made fun of the music Russell was playing and called him and another guest “boring white men.” Another guest asked Banks to “shut it” — perhaps she said “be quiet” I was just paraphrasing — and then the ugliness ensued because Banks then ALLEGEDLY shrieked:

“You would love it if I broke my glass, stabbed you guys in the throat, and blood would squirt everywhere like some real Tarantino shit.”

Then Azealia reached for her glass, cocked it and Russell Crowe bounced her ass outside.

Look, here’s the queer deal: I ain’t no celebrity — except in my own head — but even I know you don’t allow Azealia Banks into your home and anywhere near the cutlery and the crystal unless you want a bloodbath.

Seriously, Russell, what were you thinking?

Wow, two Phil Collins stories in one week? The man must be really trying to rekindle his career and his third marriage.

This time, though, it’s about a feud to between Phil and Paul McCartney. Yes, like last week’s Grandpa Feud between F. Murray Abraham and Mandy Patinkin, we now have two more old men fighting … or maybe one old man trying to spark a fight with the other …

Phil Collins spoke to the UK’s Sunday Times about his upcoming autobiography, Not Dead Yet and spilled the beans about the time he met McCartney at Buckingham Palace back in Ott-Two.  It seems Phil had a first edition of The Beatles biography by Hunter Davies, so he brought it with him to see if Paul would sign it for him … big mistake, huge.

Phil says when Paul and his then-wife Heather Mills approached him he went in for the autograph, and Paul said:

“Oh Heather, our little Phil’s a bit of a Beatles fan.”

Little Phil? Well, he is barely five-foot-five but still, it was kind of a bitch move on McCartney, and Little, er, Phil, wasn’t having it:

 “I thought, ‘You fuck, you fuck.’ Never forgot it. He has this thing when he’s talking to you, where he makes you feel (like), ‘I know this must be hard for you because I’m a Beatle. I’m Paul McCartney and it must be very hard for you to actually be holding a conversation with me.”

Yeah, even though I missed my shot at marrying, divorcing for millions, and remarrying, Phil Collins, I am Team Phil this time out … though I place most of the blame for on McCartney’s rudeness on that one-legged bitch of an ex-wife of his, Heather.

Just sayin’ … she’s vile.

Whenever Tyra Banks feels like she isn’t seeing her name in the press often enough … and once a year is too much … she races to the nearest reporter to beat that dead horse she’s been beating for over a  decade now: her feud with Naomi Campbell.

It seems that recently Banks and her baby Daddy Erik Asla were guests on the Norwegian-Swedish talk show Skavlan — what, Steve Harvey turned her down? — and the conversation turned to how she was terrorized by Naomi back in the day.

Tyra talked about going to Paris as a new model and how she met HBIC Campbell:

“I got to Paris and it was very difficult I did very well, very fast. But then the industry was saying, ‘Look out Naomi Campbell, here comes Tyra Banks, Naomi Campbell sit your butt down, this younger one is coming to take your place. It wasn’t fair to Naomi, but her response was … to this day I’m very scared of her. I don’t want to go too deep into the past, but it was very difficult, like some of the lowest times of my life dealing with that. I don’t condone her actions and her response, but I understand where it comes from because the world is saying, ‘You’re not going to have your spot. We’re going to take your money, we’re going to take your fame. Go sit down, there’s somebody else.’”

I love how she says she doesn’t want to go too deep into the past and then she does, as she does every time it seems like people have forgotten her while no one in the world has ever forgotten, or will ever forget, Miss Naomi Campbell.

Sit down, Tyra; I see a phone coming toward your five-head.

It's Snarkurday!

Kanye took to Twitter again for yet another long-winded rant that devolved into a money beg.

It all began when Kanye announced he was $53 million in debt … bad fashion and crazy costs, y’all … and then bragged he would win 100 Grammys before he died, and then he began begging, begging, Mark Zuckerberg for some of his Facebook coins via Twitter:

Mark Zuckerberg invest 1 billion dollars into Kanye West ideas

Mark Zuckerberg I know it’s your bday but can you please call me by 2mrw…

You love hip hop, you love my art… I am your favorite artist but you watch me barely breathe and still play my album in your house …

World, please tweet, FaceTime, Facebook, instagram, whatever you gotta do to get Mark to support me…

I’m this generation’s Disney… I want to bring dope sh-t to the world…

I don’t have enough resources to create what I really can…

Mark, I am publicly asking you for help…one of the coolest things you could ever do is to help me in my time of need and I will always respect you for that and the world will love you…

Yes, he Tweeted that. He truly thinks Mark Zuckerberg will stop spending money on those pesky hungry kids in Africa and give it to a windbag who lost his money on a ridiculously laughable fashion line?

Now, that’s funny.

And it looks like someone else in Kanye’s life needs coins … Caitlyn Jenner … who has filed a cross-complaint against Jessica Steindorff, who was driving the Prius in front of her and, well, let’s revisit the details of the crash:

Caitlyn wad riving on PCH when her SUV hit a Lexus in front of her causing that car to shoot into the next lane where it was hit by an oncoming Hummer and Kim Howe, the driver of the Lexus, was killed. With the Lexus out of the way, Caitlyn’s SUV hit the Prius that was in front of the Lexus. Caitlyn was sued by Kim Howe’s stepchildren, the family in the Hummer and Jessica Steindorff. The family in the Hummer is also suing Kim Howe’s estate.

Caitlyn settled with Kim Howe’s family and the Hummer people, but is now suing Jessica Steindorff because she thinks that Jessica is partly responsible for her rear-ending the Lexus and sending it into another lane to be hit by oncoming traffic.

Seriously, Caitlyn? You need to transition to logic, girl, because you are at fault.

Do not take flash photography of Bill Murray! Dammit!

After a day of golf, Murray took to the rooftop lounge of the country club to relax. And apparently some fans wanted to take his photo; since it was night time, the flash feature was on and Bill snapped. He got up, walked to their table, grabbed their phones — more than one — and pitched them off the roof. Then he ran off.

The phone folks called the police who, eventually, tracked Murray down, and he’s agreed to pay for the damaged phones if the owners opted not to press charges. Meanwhile, the owner of the restaurant has banned people from taking pictures because he doesn’t want to deal with another Bill Murray moment.

Like I said, Do not take flash pictures of Bill Murray! Consider yourself warned.

Well, after a brief respite, the High School Fight between Mean Girls Taylor Swift and … you thought I was gonna say Katy Perry but I’m not … Kanye West has heated up again.

At his recent show in New York, Kanye played a song called “Famous” from his new album in which he says:

“I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.”

Cue Taylor writing a pity party song of her own, though, first, it was her little brother, Austin, who smacked back at Kanye by posting an Instagram video of him throwing away His Ugly Kanye West designed shoes! Oh snap!

But Taylor waited until she hit the Grammy stage to strike back at Kanye. After her team purchased the Album of the Year award for her, Tay-Tay said, from the stage:

“As the first woman to win Album of the Year at the Grammys twice, I want to say to all the young women out there, [that] there are going to be people along the way that will try to undercut your success or take credit for your accomplishments or your fame, but if you just focus on the work and you don’t let those people sidetrack you, someday when you get where you’re going you will look around and you will know that it was you and the people who love you who put you there and that will be the greatest feeling in the world.”

It was then that Beyoncé rushed the stage, snatched the award from Taylor’s hands and declared that Kanye is the greatest artist of all time. Okay, maybe that last part didn’t happen, but it could have …

More Kanye? Of course …

Last weekend he was the musical guest on SNL and it almost didn’t happen because Kanye threw an epic hissy fit worthy of his own infant daughter and threatened to storm off!

Apparently, it took SNL head honcho Lorne Michaels to soothe the savage beast’s ego, after even his wife, Kim Kardastrophe, couldn’t sweet-talk him down. And it was all due to the stage set that SNL was using; Kanye didn’t like it because, well, maybe it wasn’t crafted of solid gold or something …

Luckily, after a cold compress was applied to Kanye’s ego, he did stay and perform, although he scowled more than usual while doing so.

Rihanna was supposed to be at the Grammys last weekend to debut a song off of her new album, ANTI but backed out just minutes before because …. bronchitis.

Odd, because Rihanna was everywhere the week leading up to the Grammys; at every party, every function, every photo op. She even performed the night before the Grammys at the MusiCares Person of the Year event and sang flawlessly.

TMZ isn’t buying bronchitis, and says Rihanna was screaming and hysterical before bailing on the show, though there are conflicting stories about what triggered her outburst. Some say she was not happy with the rehearsal and was shrieking mad about it; her people say it was all medical; and some say she watched Kendrick Lamar’s rehearsal and was so intimidated that she just scrammed.

I’m kinda buying that last one … if Rihanna can’t steal the show, she won’t do the show.

What was the most exclusive party after the Grammy’s?  The one that denied entry to Sir Paul McCartney, apparently. And it was hosted by that bastion of musicality, that legend in his own mind, Tyga!

Yup, at Tyga’s after-party Macca got in; Woody Harrelson got in; Beck, too. Taylor Hawkins, the drummer from the Foo Fighters, went inside. But Paul McCartney was kicked to the curb because the door man did not recognize him. Folks standing outside tried to tell the bouncer who he was denying, but the man just shrugged and said, Sorry old-timer.

That Woman must be rolling over in her crypt because you know she had cameras there and would have whored herself out to McCartney for a selfie.

50 Cent still has financial problems; he was ordered to pay $5 million to Lastonia Leviston after posting a sex tape of Leviston and another man online; he was also ordered to pay $17.2 million to a former business partner for stealing the design to his “Sleek by 50” headphones. So 50 filed for bankruptcy, possibly hoping to avoid paying off these massive judgments, but it looks like the courts are gonna start garnishing his paychecks to satisfy the debts and his lawyers are claiming, yes, “slavery.”

50 Cent and his attorneys are telling the judge he is trying to set the clock more than 150 years and gunning to make him their slave, claiming the plan violates the 13th Amendment to the Constitution which bans slavery and involuntary servitude.

Yes, because in 50 Cents world if you owe people money and don’t pay and they come after you, you’re a slave to them. Howsabout just not being a dick and getting sued and just paying your bills, Fiddy?

Oh, and Rihanna wasn’t the only one who skipped the Grammys at the last minute; Lauryn Hill did too.  But Lauryn is trying to say that she never said she’d appear on the show at all. And yet, according to academy president Neil Portnow, Lauryn was set to perform with The Weeknd, but when he took the stage, Lauryn was nowhere to be found.

Her duet was supposed to be a surprise, but the surprise was that she wasn’t there … even though she’d rehearsed it the day before.

Lauryn’s rep says the Grammys were wrong in announcing she was going to perform because she never said she would … though she’d show up for a rehearsal and for camera blocking.

Lay off’a the weed, Lauryn, you’re all confuzzled.

I know love, young love, new love; and I also know stupidity and destroying a national landmark. Someone maybe should’a told Vanessa Hudgens.

She recently spent a weekend with beau Austin Butler in Sedona, Arizona, and, as young stupid lovers are apt to do, they wanted to create a reminder of this romantic time.

So they carved their names into one of the federally protected red rock formations and then Vanessa Instagrammed it!

Like I said, stupid …

A Very Paul McCartney Christmas

Happy Birthday........

.....to Stephen from Post Apocalypoitc Bohemian!
If you get the chance, stop in to wih him well.

Wonderful Christmas Time

Paul McCartney and Wings