Why Is It ...

… that when I create a To Do List, it lists things like burst someone’s bubble, or stir the pot, or toot my own horn … add my two cents … skate on thin ice … add fuel to the fire.

… that while I was at the bakery I heard a little boy behind me cry to his mother, “Mom, there are only four donuts left!” and when the counterperson asked what I wanted I said, “Four donuts please.”

… that while I am awful at sit ups and lousy at push ups my fuck ups are top notch.

… that I've always wondered if any of my recorded calls have been used for training or quality purposes.

… that y’all need to know that you can’t believe everything I post on here cuz Rosita is always stealing my phone

… that y’all don’t realize if your birth year starts with 19 you shouldn’t be wrapping presents on the floor

… I follow the 7/7/7 plan at work … do my job for 7 minutes, then spend 7 minutes booking a cruise and then disappear for 7 days

… that when people tell me I’m intimidating I always say, ‘Good. Think three times before speaking to me.’

… that you need to know that I am not an asshole; I am a hemorrhoid and I only irritate assholes.

… that I love it when one of the cats sighs and I say, “Oh, what’s up my little unemployed freeloader?”

Why Is It ...

… that it’s okay for a cat to run and hide  under a bed when visitors come by but when I do it it’s “rude” and “antisocial.”

… that most people don’t realize  that, unfortunately, I always have something smart to say.

… that no one realizes that I don’t miss calls, I stare at them.

… that some days the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

… that no one believes me when I say that I will cut back on my sarcasm and only use it on days that begin with a T … like Tuesday or Thursday … Today and Tomorrow

.... that I have yet to learn that I shouldn’t sit on the floor without a solid plan on how to get up

... that people need to learn that while I am not easily offended, I am also easily annoyed.

… that people forget that the day they handed out patience  I left early because it was taking too long.

… that my boss said to me, ‘What are you doing?’ And I replied that I was watching a tutorial on effectively dealing with co-workers, and he said, ‘That’s a kickboxing video.’ And I said, ‘I know.’

… that I often wonder what the other me’s are up to in those other dimensions.

Why Is It ...

… that people will write a paragraph to disagree with me on social media and never think that I hit Delete as soon as I see it.

… that I love when people are rude to me because, oh my god, no way, it’s now my turn.

… that my boss doesn’t see that I am humble enough to know I’m replaceable at work, but also confident enough to know that it will take at least three people.

… that no one realizes that I am quite adept at using all the swear words in a single sentence.

… that people need to realize that if they hear me telling the same story twice, just let it go. I only have six memories and they all take turns.

… that I am planning on engaging in orange cat behavior today and, no, I will not explain.

... that after 50, you're like an old phone battery. Even when you charge yourself overnight for 10 hours, by 10 AM you're at 60%. 

… that being an adult is so weird. I'm unsupervised all the time, how unsafe.

… that I am so easily annoyed by feelings, people, my own thoughts … honestly I don’t even know why I started this list. I’m already irritated

… that sometimes I listen to someone and think ‘Holy shit, you’ve got the IQ of a crayon.’

Why Is It ...

… that people keep talking about the flu but the only thing I’m fighting these days is the urge to call out of work every single day.

… that staying to yourself and not bothering people bothers people.

… that no one understand that my posts are not directed at any one person, but if the shoe fits, wear it Cinderella.

… that whenever someone says, “I like your personality,” I always say, “Thanks. I have more.”

… that I don’t dust my house because I believe we come from dust and we return to dust and that dust on my coffee table might be someone I know.

… that no doctor will allow me to get my glasses prescription placed into my windshield.

… that I just realized that the reason Carlos is the perfect  person to gossip to is because he won’t tell anyone what I said since he wasn’t listening in the first place.

… that when people say I’m acting crazy, I have to remind them that I am not acting.

… that I’ve reached the age where I don’t need an alarm clock to wake me up; I have a bladder that does that.

… that I truly think I can generate electricity with how irritated I can get at times.

Why Is It ...

… that I really really really want to put that big “Ahhhaaaaaaahhh” from Defying Gravity on my phone so that when I’m in a conversation and someone says something annoying I can play it and then pretend to fly away.

.… that people don’t understand that while I seem real laid back, I lean forward pretty quickly.

… that I feel grateful for my resting bitch face because it has saved me from so many conversations I wanted no part of.

… that I will cook rice one grain at a time before I worry about someone not speaking to me

… that I say “Morning” instead of “Good morning” because if it was a Good Morning I’d still be in bed asleep instead of talking to people.

… that what other people call “Holding grudges,” I call, “I saw who you are and I am not unseeing it.”

… that no one heeds my warning label: May bite before coffee … and maybe after, too.

… that people need to learn that we cannot hang out if they’re going to cry when the cops put us in handcuffs.

… that most people don’t realize they’re the reason there are directions on shampoo bottles.

… that my brain just logged me out due to inactivity and now I can’t remember my password.

… that right after I say, “Since we’re being funny …” one of my friends always removes me from the room.

Why Is It ...

… that I need 10 incomes for the lifestyle I have in my head.

… that people who abhor swearing get angry with me because I can formulate an intelligent sentence and still throw a motherfucker in just for the Hell of it. Learn to juggle people.

… that people don’t get it when I say I can’t go out because the cats expect me home at a certain hour.

… that you may call them ‘Red Flags’ but I call them Ten Fun Facts you don’t know about me.

… that my car will be on Empty and I’ll drive past 4 gas stations and just go home.

… that I always see adults pour a glass of wine and fill it only halfway and I think, ‘One of us is doing this wrong and I think it’s you.’

… that holding back my sarcastic replies takes nearly all my inner strength.

… that I’ve been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I looked up my symptoms online. It’s adulthood … I have adulthood.

… that when people wonder if I can be any more annoying, I always say, “Oh god, yes!”

… that they say right before you die your life flashes before your eyes. If that’s true, I hope it includes the blackouts because that would be like bonus footage and deleted scenes on a DVD.

Why Is It ...

… that even when I’m on my third ‘mhm’, they just keep on speaking!

… that no one realizes that when you falsely accuse me of having an attitude, it creates exactly the attitude that you thought I had.

… that I really want to be nice but everyone annoys me?

… that cocktails are so dangerous; I mean, they often taste like juice and then suddenly you can’t walk.

… that I’m too old for Snapchat and too young for Life Alert.

… that every single day there is something to do and I am sick of it.

… that I feel like Willie Nelson’s been the same age my whole life?

… that while it’s nice to see people embracing therapy, a few of you are in need of an exorcism.

… that I always have the need to get the last word, even if I have to mail it to you.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t realize they need to look both ways before getting on my nerves?

… that people who ask me if they can show me something are shocked when I say, “Absolutely not. I am in the ‘unseeing’ phase of life.”

… that when I tell people I have too much to do, it means I am going to lie down for three hours.

… that no one realizes that “Stop, Drop and Roll” doesn’t just work to put out a fire. I use it to get out of many social situations.

… that I often make car alarm noises when people I don’t like try to touch me?

… that one day you’re young and carefree and up for anything, and the next you’re looking out your kitchen window and saying. “Is that a Tufted Titmouse at my birdfeeder.”?

… that many times I don’t know if I’m fighting demons, or if I’m the demon?

… that this is enough todaying for today? I’m done, Thanks.

Why Is It ...

… that when I’m at home, watching the news, I think, ‘Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?’ But when I’m driving I hate every single person on the planet?

… that I like the wrinkles that occur from laughter, but call the ones between my eyebrows , the deep ones, my WTF lines?

… that my ex once said he couldn’t live without me and I just found out he’s still alive; more lies!

… that I’ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me?

… that people don’t understand that I am worth every headache I give?

… that one of my rules is that we can only be friends if you’re kind of a bitch? Not a full on bitch because that’s no fun, and if you’re not a bitch at all, I’ll scare you too much. But halfway bitches? Those are my people.

… that my personality is basically a mix between a needy five-year-old child who cannot control his emotions, a teenage rebel who makes poor life decisions, and an eighty-year-old man who just wants to nap?

… that I get easily annoyed, but I also get pre-annoyed., knowing that someone is going to piss me off?