The Funny Papers

Clay Bennett, Steve Sack, Joe Heller, RJ Matson, Nick Anderson, David Fitzsimmons, Rick McKee, Andy Marlette, Chan Lowe

President Obama Is All Outta F**ks

Earlier this year I posted a quote by President Barack Obama about the GOP frontrunner for president and said it has become clear that, now in the last few months of his eight years in office, the President has no f**ks left to give.

And on Sunday, during a Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee fundraiser in California, President Obama continued that trend by going after a particularly pathetic GOP congressman.

See, this election season, California’s GOP Congressman, Darrell Issa is having a tough go of it against the Democratic challenger, retired Marine Col. Doug Applegate, and so he mailed out a new campaign flyer in which he boasts about Obama signing the Survivors’ Bill of Rights bill which he co-sponsored

Well, Obama called out Issa — a man who once called the president corrupt and is one of the chief obstructionists in Congress, blocking and subverting much of the legislation the President and Democratic members of congress have tried to push through — for those hypocritical mailers. He pointed out what he called Issa’s duplicity, calling the mailers “shameless” and saying it was the “definition of chutzpah.”

Seriously. After eight years of doing all he could to block moves by Obama this GOP hack is now trolling for votes by saying he’s a bipartisan candidate. Siddown, liar.

Obama then added that Issa’s “primary contribution to the United States Congress has been to obstruct and to waste taxpayer dollar on trumped-up investigations that have led nowhere” and said the congressman was “not somebody who’s serious about working on problems.”

And with Obama’s approval ratings rising each and every day, and his completely out of f**ks attitude, people like Darrell Issa should tread very softly.

Or plan on finding a new job come November 9th.

If You Only News

Random Musings

When we were at South Carolina Pride a few weeks back, Carlos found a kilt he wanted to buy. His grandfather was from England — he moved to Mexico as an adult and lived there the rest of his life — and Carlos has always been an Anglophile.

Now, his kilt isn’t plaid, it’s a dark green, but it’s very cool, and once it arrived to the house, he decided he wanted to wear it to our wedding. I had other ideas — I always do — of keeping it simple, with each of us in a nice black jacket, white shirt and nice — nice — jeans.

Carlos said, “Jeans?????”

I said, “Kilt????”

He’s wearing the kilt, and that’s fine, because it looks good on him, but I did ask that he wear a nice black jacket and white shirt. So, he showed me the white shirts he had in the closet; not one from this century, so imagine dirty dishwater white color; and there wasn’t a black jacket in sight.

So, Carlos, who hates to shop, set off in search of a black jacket, a white shirt, and some black boots to wear with his kilt. When he returned home, happy as a clam to have found the items, he gave me a little preview; nice jacket; very nice crisp white, white, shirt, and some cool black boots — rough-trade boots, if you will.

I sat in the chair and muttered, “Wow, you get a whole new outfit for the wedding and I’m wearing my old black jacket.”

“I knew it!” He shrieked, and my ears began to bleed.

“Shout it to the whole neighborhood,” I said.

Carlos walked to the living room window, threw it up, and shrieked outside, “I. KNEW. IT!!!!!”

Today I went and bought myself some new, nice, cool, jeans, a new crisp white shirt, and three pairs of new shoes, you know, because I will not be outdone at my own wedding!!

Last week the Labor Department reported that 248,000 jobs were created last month, pushing the unemployment down to a six-year low of 5.9%.  

Thanks Obama.

See, Rightwingnuts? That's how “Thanks Obama” works. Say Thanks to the President for fixing the mess created by George W. Bush.

And then sit down.

So, naturally, other than my own upcoming marriage, was the news out of SCOTUS this week, which paved the way for marriages in at least five — and perhaps up to eleven — new states. 

I got a huuuge kick out of some of the GOP wingnuts who called the Supreme Court a bunch of unelected judges — um, yeah, that’s how it works — and said they were activist judges.

Funny, though, had the Supreme Court ruled the other way these asshats would have been praising these non-elected activists for doing their jobs.

GOP? Take a seat; you don’t have a dog in this fight any more.

Speaking of GOP loons … Mike Huckabee.

That’s really all that need be said, but I love this Tweet, and the response from Jesus H. Christ.

Who knew Jesus was so funny?

I watched a new comedy last week called A To Z; it’s one of those “relationship” comedies, but it’s just quirky enough not to be sappy, and just well-written enough to be actually funny.

As in the scene where our couple is sitting in a trendy martini bar and the bartender asks the girl if she likes her “Martini Navratilova.”

He then offers to make her a “Martini Luther King Jr.”

Okay, it made me laugh, and I also got a little tingly with the adorkable male lead, Ben Feldman.

I do so love a dork; hell, I’m marrying one!

American Horror Story Freak Show started last night and, naturally, Jessica Lange was brilliant, and fearless and fabulous, and a bit shocking. Plus, all kinds of oddities, some real, I think, and some not, I think. And, if you have a fear of clowns, well, yeah, you know.

Next up for Ryan Murphy, creator of AHS, is American Crime Story, the first season of which will focus on the OJ Simpson trial.

Having lived through it, I’d think that case would be better suited under the Freak Show umbrella.

Did I mention I’m getting married? I think I may have …

At any rate, just yesterday a judge down in Charleston County issued a marriage license to a same-sex couple; one half of the duo was his own sister.

Yup, the Honorable Irvin Condon, accepted a marriage license and fee from his cousin, Charleston County Councilwoman Colleen Condon, and her fiancée, Nichols Bleckley.  After the requisite 24-hour statutory waiting period, Judge Condon says he will issue Condon and Bleckley their marriage license unless a court of competent — is that a trick question — jurisdiction orders him not too.

This would make Colleen and Nichols eligible to become the first same-sex couple to be legally wed in South Carolina.

And then just as that news broke, came the news that Richland County, home to the capital, Columbia, and just a hop, skip and a jump from Smallville, has also begun issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

In freaking South Carolina!

Richland County Probate Judge Amy McCulloch said she accepted applications for the first time because, “I believe it’s time for this to change. It’s a fundamental right to be with who you want to be with.” She also said she changed categories on the county’s marriage license paper application from “bride” and “groom” to “Applicant 1” and “Applicant 2.”

Like Judge Condon, McCulloch is also waiting to see how the Attorney General’s office or the state Supreme Court reacts to taking marriage-license applications from same-sex couples.

But it’s shocking to hear that same-sex couples are getting marriage licenses in, again, freaking South Carolina!

UPDATE: Our wingnut Attorney general has asked the state courts to halt the issuance of marriage licenses; for now, because one day soon he'll look a bigger fool than he did yesterday.

On the flip side, asshat, wingnut, douchebag Utah Republican state representative Kraig Powell opened a bill file in the Utah legislature to revise marriage statutes, suggesting that the law be rewritten to refer to same-sex marriages as "pairages."

I ask that the law be rewritten to refer to Powell as an effing moron, and I think my bill will pass first.

Look at that Clay Aiken, so sharp-tongued and quick-witted.

Clay is running to be North Carolina second district representative, and recently had a debate with the incumbent Republican Renee Ellmers, who, like all race-baiting goose-stepping GOPers keeps trying to tie her opponent to Barack Obama because, well, I guess they think that’s bad.

And Clay ain’t playing that, and when Ellmers uttered the line, “This Obama-Aiken economy is just killing us,” Clay responded, “You might need to get a new writer because calling it the Obama-Aiken economy is just preposterous.”

Still, Ellmers kept at it, this time alluding to Aiken's vocal prowess and showmanship while discussing the U.S. military:

“It's almost as if as an entertainer, you believe that you can just go in with a song and dance and change the mind of the military leaders.”

Aiken said, and it still makes me giggle, “The most embarrassing reality show in the country right now is Congress.”

Two snaps up for Aiken!

Random Musings

We have certain rules in our house:

1] I take care of what goes into the cats and Carlos talks care of what comes out of them—no matter which end.

2] Carlos kills the bugs. Now, I will kill a bug if Carlos isn’t around, but if he’s home, well, I call on him.

Now, apparently, I am in charge of snakes. The other night, after dinner, Carlos took Ozzo out to the backyard. I was in the living room when I heard him say, loudly, ‘Bob.’

‘What?’

‘There’s a snake out here.’

I go out onto the deck and look down at Carlos standing on the lawn and pointing about a hundred feet away from where he saw a foot-long snake—although I think it was smaller because Carlos tends to exaggerate snake size, ifyougetmymeaning.

He wanted me to get a shovel and scour our 1-acre-plus lot at night for a small snake and kill it. I refused, and simply suggested he come inside and let it go, but his fear, albeit real, was trending toward the irrational.

‘There might be hundreds out there.’

‘What if they come in the house?’

‘We have to move.’

Luckily I didn’t have that shovel or ….

Down here in South Carolina, where it’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity, some folks, most folks, just love Senator Lindsey-Not-Gay-Graham.

But, the GOP senator is facing a tough primary from a number of Republican challengers who believe he is too 'liberal' … Let that sink in … and one in particular, Nancy Mace, has taken to ‘gay baiting’ the 58-year-old lifelong confirmed bachelor.

Mace has called Lindsey a ‘Nancy Boy’ in a recent Tweet, which she then attempted to delete but, being from South Carolina, was too dumb to realize that once a tweet is sent out it is out there for the public.

But don’t worry about Miss Lindsey. She apparently has some $6 million in the bank and a comfortable lead, but that don’t stop folks from a’talkin’ ‘bout her.

So Beyoncé got her hair cut.

That’s news? 

Apparently it is these days, though, I think, the story shouldn’t have been that she got her hair cut but that she had her weave removed.

The International Olympic Committee [IOC] has a long-standing rule about political demonstrations and they have confirmed that they will likely enforce that rule at Sochi should any pro-gay protests be made by the athletes. 

Under rule 50 of the IOC’s charter: ‘No kind of demonstration or political, religious or racial propaganda is permitted in any Olympic sites, venues or other areas.’ The penalty for violating Rule 50 can be "disqualification or withdrawal of the accreditation of the person concerned without appeal."

Yup. If you say ‘gay’ in Russia, you could be jailed, and if you say ‘gay’ and the IOC gets wind of it, they will disqualify you and strip you of your medals.

It’s good to be gay, no?

I am in love with Downton Abbey, though I was heartbroken when the dreamy Matthew Crawley was suddenly killed last year. 

So, this year, in an effort to mend my wounds, it seems the producers have lined up some serious Man Candy for my amusement; from top to bottom: 

Julian Ovenden plays aristocrat Charles Blake, while Gary Carr is set to play American jazz singer Jack Ross, and Tom Cullen plays Lord Anthony Ginningham.

Like I said: Man.Candy.

After the demise of DOMA we are learning all the ways in which those same-sex couples will be affected by the changes.

One, well, I don’t like it, is that new policy guidelines established by the Social Security Administration will limit benefits to only those same-sex couples who live in states with marriage equality. 

So, those of us who marry, legally, yet live in a state that does not yet offer full equality, will not be entitled to Social Security Benefits.

But, in response to the DOMA death, a majority of federal agencies — such as the Department of Homeland Security and the Office of Personnel Management — have chosen to look to the laws of the state in which a couple was married as opposed to the state of the couple's residence in order to determine marital status.

So…the march goes on.

Last week the winner of Food Network Star was announced after an hour-long clip-show; I felt no need to recap that.

The winner was milquetoast Damaris Phillips. She was the most mainstream of the three finalists, and one destined to be groomed to take Paula Deen’s place but ….

The Food Network aired the results show at midnight, Eastern Time, which says to me, even they aren’t that thrilled by the outcome.

Ten weeks of trials and challenges and the news comes out in the middle of the night.

Things have gotten so bad out there in San Diego for Mayor, and :::cough cough::: ALLEGED sexual harasser Bob Filner that several business in the downtown area have posted signs in their windows saying the mayor is not welcome in there establishments.

The latest business to follow suit: Hooters.

And that is no joke. In a statement posted on Twitter, the company said restaurant acted on its own: "Our Hooters Girls in San Diego have spoken. Not a corporate gig, but we support our girls."

Hands off, Mayor.

Oh, and you Obama Haters?

Yeah, the government has reported a $97.6 billion deficit for July but noted that the country remains on track to post its lowest annual budget gap in five years.

July's figure raise the deficit to $607.4 billion, but that is 37.6% below the $973.8 billion deficit for the first 10 months of the 2012 budget year.

The Congressional Budget Office [CBO] forecasts the annual deficit will be $670 billion when the budget year ends September 30, far below last year's $1.09 trillion. It would mark the first year that the gap between spending and revenue has been below $1 trillion since 2008, AKA the W Years.

Snap. Oh, and shut up.

Ebony magazine created a series of covers following the Not Guilty verdict in the George Zimmerman trail and lotsa conservatives were all up in arms about it, threatening to boycott the magazine and cancel subscriptions.

Ebony magazine was nonplussed: