Oh, the ...

Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post has spent most of the pandemic peddling the anti-masking conspiracy theories, has informed employees that they are now required to wear a mask while at the office.

Florida’s GQP Governor, Ron DeathSantis, has been pushing Regeneron as a COVID cure but has grown very angry at the media for reminding people that an investor in the company that makes Regeneron has donated millions … millions … of dollars to his campaign.

And then we have former Texas Governor Rick Perry, who, out of the blue, decided to hold a press conference about the pandemic, brought in reporters, set it all up like a real press conference, but instead used the time to say push an air purification  system made by a company he owns is good in the fight against the virus.

They don’t want you wearing masks unless you work for them.

They want you to take the drug they’re pushing from the company paying them.

They want you to purify the air you breath because it fights COVID and then try and sell you a purification system.

I Didn't Say It ...

Jamie Lee Curtis, promoting the new mystery thriller Knives Out, was asked about the sexual orientation of her Halloween character, and then talked outing of LGBTQ+ people:

“I don’t think it’s anybody’s business what people’s sexuality is, to be perfectly honest. I find it like a reverse discrimination. People’s private lives are their private lives and whether I’ve ever kissed a girl—have not—is irrelevant to whatever advocacy I participate in. [It’s] sort of destructive cocktail party fodder what people’s sexuality is, [it’s] nobody’s business, it doesn’t matter [unless] you legislate anti-gay legislation but are gay. I fully accept outing those people for the hypocrisy.”

While I believe every LGBTQ+ person should come out, I also believe it’s a personal choice, and a personal time, to do so.

That said, I’m 100% with Jamie Lee that every single self-loathing closeted politician who works against the LGBTQ+ community should be outed at every turn.

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Roy Moore, bigot, homophobe, pedophile, U.S. Senate and former Alabama Chief Justice candidate, wanting to ‘go back’:

“We have got to go back to what we did back in the sixties and seventies back to a moral basis. Abortion was not legal when I went to Vietnam. It was passed later. We had abortion laws in our country and our state. We did not have same sex marriage. We did not have transgender rights. Sodomy was illegal. These things were just not around when my classmates and I went to West Point and Vietnam. We have drag queens teaching kindergarten children in this state and this community….in Huntsville in Mobile they taught kids and they dress them up in drag. Where does this come from? Gender identity is being taught in California to young kids and parents have no choice but to let their kids be taught that.”

Roy would also like to go back to black people at the back of the bus … or in chains.

Rpy Moore can fuck off.

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Adam Schiff, saying _____ should have the “courage” to testify, but isn’t going to take him to court to compel it:

“We’ve certainly been in touch with his lawyer and what we’ve been informed by his lawyer because we invited him and he did not choose to come in and testify … is if we subpoena him, they will sue us in court. Now, he will have to explain one day if he maintains that position why he wanted to wait to put it in a book instead of telling the American people what he knew when it really mattered to the country.”

_____ will never testify because his ego is so big he’ll believe he can say anything and still be found not guilty.

Plus, he’s a chickenshit little draft-dodging asshat.

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Fiona Hill, former top White House Russia adviser, at the impeachment hearings  asking to respond to Republican attacks, after three GOP congressmen in a row used their five-minute question allotments to criticize the impeachment inquiry and its witnesses:

"I don't believe there should be any interference of any kind in our election. ... That's actually why as a nonpartisan person and as an expert on Russia and an expert on Vladimir Putin and on the Russian security services, I wanted to come in to serve the country to try to see if I could help. ... We're here to relate to you what we heard, what we saw and what we did. And to be of some help to all of you in really making a very momentous decision here. We are not the people who make that decision."

She said this as two of three GOP congressman who were there to get testimony from her, testified themselves, and then left the room like the pandering little lapdogs all Republicans seems to be right now.

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Michael Steele, former Republican National Committee Chairman, blasting that organization for buying nearly $100,000 worth of copies Junior’s book:

"Let me just tell you how screwed up this is. Before I became national chairman, I’d written a book on how the Republican Party can regroup after the 2008 shellacking, after the 2006 bang-up at the polls and move forward. And people looked at me and said, 'How dare you write a book and try to profit off the RNC?' And these SOBs are just giving away $100,000 to [_____’s} son? Are you kidding me? This is the kind of internal corruption that people complained about inside the RNC for a long time. ... There’s no surprise here."

GOP. Lapdogs. Goose-stepping.

Out of fear of losing their cushy jobs, not of doing the right thing for their country.,

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Rick Perry, Energy Secretary, going off the deep end on FOX & Friends:

“God’s used imperfect people all through history. King David wasn’t perfect, Saul wasn’t perfect, Solomon wasn’t perfect. I actually gave the president a little one-pager on those old testament kings about a month ago. And I shared it with him and said, ‘Mr. President, I know there are people that say you said you were the chosen one, and I said, ‘You were.’ I said, ‘If you’re a believing Christian, you understand God’s plan for the people who rule and judge over us on this planet in our government.'”

If God chose ______, then She chose him to show us what happens when we elect a snake-oil salesman She chose him to show that those so-called Evangelicals are nothing more than racist illiterate tools. She chose him to show where we are headed when Hate takes over.

And She’s not happy that anyone thinks _____ is the real Chosen One.

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Today In Stoopid: Rick Perry

He’s never been the sharpest tool in the shed—though I thing he might be the biggest one—but this ... this makes Rick Perry look like Ben Carson Level Stupid.

Energy Secretary Rick Perry believes that fossil fuels can help prevent sexual assault. And he actually spoke of his belief at an energy policy event while talking about how bringing power to African villages would save lives:

"But also from the standpoint of sexual assault, when the lights are on, when you have light that shines, the righteousness, if you will, on those types of acts. So from the standpoint of how you really affect people's lives, fossil fuels is going to play a role in that. I happen to think it's going to play a positive role."

Cuz, you know, no one has ever been asexually assaulted in the light. So, ladies, and gentlemen, if you’re ever being sexually assaulted, don’t cry for help, don’t defend yourself, just turn a light on and you’ll be safe.

Oh, and if that isn’t dumb enough, Perry, a former Texas governor who ran for president twice, and lost twice, reiterated his view that he does not believe that humans are the main drivers of climate change:

"I still think the science is out."

Honey, the science is most definitely in, and you still aren't out, so you need to take a seat and let the grown-ups talk.

Rick Perry: stupid is as stupid does.

NBC News

I Didn't Say It ...

Matt Bomer, my Husband-In-My-Head, on if he knew he was gay in high school:

“On some level yeah but I think to protect myself at a semi-rural public high school in Texas, I was sort of like ‘well I’ll put this off to the side right now.’ … I was definitely operating from a place of just being able to survive.”

I think a lot of us did that ... “put it off to the side” ... knowing it was there but hoping to just make it through.

Bomer went on to say that he came out more while working at the Utah Shakespeare Festival in college because he finally saw people “who were just living their lives really openly.”

That’s how it works; you live out loud and others follow suit.

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Rick Perry, Energy Secretary and an Air Force veteran, on _____’s decision to ban transgender people from military service:

“I totally support the president in his decision. The idea that the American people need to be paying for these types of operations to change your sex is not very wise from a standpoint of economics.”

Oh, Miss Ricky; and, when asked about reports that the amount it would cost just $2.4 million to $8.4 million to provide gender transition-related health care coverage to transgender troops while the military spends $84 million treating erectile dysfunction, most of it on Viagra, Perry claims he doesn’t “check on the price of Viagra.”

Maybe he uses his boyfriend’s stash? Allegedly.

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Kellyanne Conway, _____’s Minister of Propaganda, calling the chaos in the White House a credit to _____:

“The fact is, that every place of work, I believe has to understand the rules, the structure, the protocol, the pecking order—and follow those rules. And again, when you’re in any place of work ... I’ll be in mine again with a new chief of staff this weekend or Monday – and you have to know what the structure and the rules are and people are going to respect those. I think it’s a really good inflection point after six months in this White House to know what the structure is and the rules and to carry forth that way.”

Um, Kellyanne, you tool? If there was structure there wouldn’t be chaos you dim bulb.

Hopefully your ass will be next to go.

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Chris Christie, on NachoGate:

“I didn’t dump the nachos on him or anything, which was an option.”

Honey, please, it’s clear you have never thrown away food needlessly.

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Jeb Bush, a little late, coming for _____:

“You get disciplined when your team says, ‘No, Mr. President, let’s stay focused on these policy objectives.’ Don’t disparage people, don’t go after Mueller, don’t say you’re going to pardon yourself or whatever. Don’t do all that. Govern. ... He unleashed five tweets today about stuff that jeopardizes his legal situation, insults somebody, goes back to the 2016 election, none of which is relevant to getting tax relief done, regulatory reform done. This is going to be a long ride between 2018 in January, much less 2020. If Barack Obama did something as it related to Russia and you say, ‘This is outrageous,’ then when your guy does the same thing, have the same passion to be critical.”

Jeb sounds like he might run against _____ in 2020—if _____ is not in prison by then—and he may have grown a backbone.

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Stephen Colbert, on the news that _____ helped write the first letter about Junior’s meeting with the Russians:

“He dictated it. It’s official — Donald Trump is a dictator, technically. Don Jr. gets in trouble, he literally got his daddy to write a note for him.”

And, I may be wrong, but if Daddy wrote the note excusing Junior from Collusion, wouldn’t that also be collusion?

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Kellyanne Conway, _____’s Minister of Propaganda, saying that being ethical is so hard it discourages people from being in government:

“There are so many qualified men and women who wanted to serve this president, this administration and their country who have been completely demoralized and completely, I think, disinclined to do so, based on the paperwork that we have to put forward, divesting assets, the different hoops you have to run through. This White House is transparent and accountable, and we’ve all complied with those rules, but it has disincentivized good men and women.”

Hey, Kellyanne, you tool? It doesn’t discourage people who aren’t liars and thieves and disciples of Satan.

Good people don’t have a problem; it’s those like you who take issues with questions of ethics because you have none.

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Jeff Flake, Arizona GOP Senator, on his party and _____:

“If by 2017 the conservative bargain was to go along for the very bumpy ride because with congressional hegemony and the White House we had the numbers to achieve some long-held policy goals—even as we put at risk our institutions and our values—then it was a very real question whether any such policy victories wouldn’t be Pyrrhic ones. If this was our Faustian bargain, then it was not worth it. If ultimately our principles were so malleable as to no longer be principles, then what was the point of political victories in the first place?”

To sell your soul to the 1% and corporate greed? I mean, that seems to be the rule of the GOP; take care of the rich and who cares about the rest.

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Paul Zukunft, US Coast Guard Commandant, affirming his support for transgender personnel:

“The first thing we did [after _____’s announcement] is we reached out to all 13 members of the Coast Guard who have come out under a policy who declared themselves transgender. I reached out personally to Lt. Taylor Miller, who was featured on the cover of the Washington Post last week. If you read that story, Taylor’s family has disowned her ... [so now] ... her family is the United States Coast Guard. I told Taylor, ‘I will not turn my back. We have made an investment in you, and you have made an investment in the Coast Guard, and I will not break faith.’”

Zukunft also revealed the Coast Guard has assembled a team of military JAG lawyers to fight the ban.

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Kristen Stewart, who is dating model Stella Maxwell, on her past relationship with Robert Pattinson and if it was real:

“I’ve been deeply in love with everyone I’ve dated. Did you think I was faking it? I’ve always really embraced a duality and really, truly, believed in it and never felt confused or struggling. I just didn’t like getting made fun of. Some people aren’t like that. Some people know that they like grilled cheese and they’ll eat it every day for the rest of their lives. I want to try everything. If I have grilled cheese once I’m like, ‘That was cool, what’s next?'”

So, Pattinson was grilled cheese? And now she’s moved on to ... nope, not going there.

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President-For-Now _____ Orders Cabinet To Plant A Wet One On His Ass

Hair Furor!

President-For-Now _____ held a Cabinet meeting yesterday—cameras present and running, of course—and asked that each and every Cabinet member around the table start off by kissing his big fat ass.

Oh, but he did.

But, as a narcissist will do, _____ started off first, praising himself—I guess to show his underlings what he expected of them:

"Never has there been a president, with few exceptions—case of FDR, he had a major depression to handle—who has passed more legislation and who has done more things than what we’ve done. We’ve been about as active as you can possibly be and at a just about record pace.”

Um, like what? Wall? No. Travel ban? No. Healthcare? No.

And then he asked the others to speak; Mike Pence went first:

“Never have I had a more gentle lover. The way you bend me over the couch in the Oval Office and make sweet sweet love to me.".

Okay, maybe Mike didn’t say that, but he did say this:

“It is the greatest privilege of my life to serve as vice president. The president is keeping his word to the American people.”

And Pence is awaiting impeachment so he can ascend to the throne.

Next up, Secretary of Energy Rick Perry:

“Now, because of you, Mr. President, people have stopped calling me ‘The Dumb One’ in the GOP.”

All right! He didn’t exactly say it in those words, but Perry—who had urged_____ not to drop out of the Paris climate agreement—praised the man for doing just that:

“My hat’s off to you for taking that stand and sending a clear message around the world.” 

Health Secretary Tom Price said:

“You have made my life. By allowing me to work toward denying healthcare to millions while making millions myself, well, I could go on kissing your lily white ass for decades.”

Or, he said:

"I can't thank you enough for the privileges you've given me and the leadership that you've shown. And we’re continuing to work very hard every day to accomplish these goals.”

But I’ll give it to U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley—who spends her days fixing the idiotic gaffes and statements issued by the Tool-In-Chief—who, instead of saying something along the lines of “How come you don’t wanna grab my pussy?” said:

“I think the international community knows we’re back."

But it was Chief of Staff Reince Priebus who walked up behind _____, made him stand, undid his belt, pushed down the President’s pants, pulled down his briefs, spread those clammy ass cheeks and planted a big went one on _____’s sphincter, with this one:

“On behalf of the entire senior staff around you, Mr. President, we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you’ve given us to serve your agenda and the American people,”

No joke; he said that.

Of course, rumors abound that Priebus is thisclose to being kicked to the curb, so can we blame him for being such a stunt man?

Despite Trump’s boasts to the contrary—the only thing they’ve accomplished are scandals, and low approval ratings—no major legislation has made its way through Congress.

None. Nearly six months in and the GOP—fully in control of the entire government—has done nothing.

But, hey, _____ wants a rim job.

NY Daily News

The Funny Papers

RJ Matson, Adam Zyglis, Nick Anderson, David Horsey, Walt Handelsman, Clay Bennett, Michael Ramirez, Tom Stiglich

The Funny Papers

Darrin Bell, Jim Morin, Walt Handelsman, Nick Anderson, Mike Lucovich, Clay Bennett 

Random Musings

So, the other day at work a client comes in and when I ask how I can help him, he actually says to me:

Hey! How ya doin’ today? You keepin’ it real?

Yes, he was apparently a visitor from 1984. But, to make matters worse, that night I told Carlos about this Flash From The Bad Past and now Carlos has taken on the Keepin’ It Real Mantra, much to my chagrin and disdain and terror. Oh, and he’s added a dance, too.

FML.

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In another example of how presidential he is, this week Donald [t]Rump kicked out Jorge Ramos, a respected Univision reporter from a press conference because he asked a question [t]Rump didn’t like. And Teabagistan cheered.

Now, imagine all the hateful and idiotic things said and asked of Obama, and picture him throwing a reporter out of a press conference — take your time, I know it’s hard to conjure up the image of Barack Obama being a petulant child because he is a grown-assed man with manners and ethics — and then remind yourself how the Tae Party and the GOP would have crucified him for doing so.

But when [t]Rump does it they say nothing … which says volumes about them.

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Also in GOP presidential candidate news, prepare yourself for the announcement that Miss Ricky Perry will be dropping out of this race for the White House, too, because he has no more coins.

This week, Perry’s Iowa chairman, Sam Clovis, stepped down because the campaign cannot, and did not, pay him.

No coins, no White House, Ricky.

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I am not a computer wizard by a long-shot, but around our house, I am the IT guy — IT, as in Idiot Tech — and I like to have fun with it.

Carlos: Since you’re the smart one on the computer could you help me for a second?

Bob: You just said way too much.

Carlos: What you do mean?

Bob: You should have started and stopped with, ‘Since you’re the smart one.'

Carlos: :::crickets:::

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Casey Davis, the Kentucky clerk who is defying the Supreme Court’s on marriage equality says he’s willing to die fighting for man-woman marriage:

“Our law says ‘one man and one woman’ and that is what I held my hand up and took an oath to and that is what I expected. If it takes it, I will go to jail over — if it takes my life, I will die for because I believe I owe that to the people that fought so I can have the freedom that I have, I owe that to them today, and you do, we all do.”

First off, Casey, you’ll die to keep Adam and Steve, or Madam and Eve, from marrying? Prioritize, you fool. But then Steve goes on to show how much more stupid he really is:

“[The Supreme Court has] no right to tell us, the state of Kentucky, that our law that was voted with what was 70 percent of the people that it was wrong, they had no right.”

Um, Casey? Yes. They do. And what I find especially funny about idiots like Casey is that if the ruling had gone the other way, he’d be crowing about how the Supreme Court is the law of the land and we all need to obey.

Hypocritical, homophobic numbnut.

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I was perusing the channels one morning this week and came across the Today Show with Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford. I would have instantly switched away before the corneas of my eyes started to burn, but they were interviewing Amy Schumer, whom I love, so I watched for a minute.

Then Hoda asked Amy if she’d be interested in dating their stage manager, Yosef Herzog, and I expected to see some ass-cracking Teamster looking slob on camera.

But no .. Yosef is hot … bald and hot. And they showed a picture of shirtless Yosef on a paddleboard. Um, Amy? If you turn him down, can I have him?

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So, again, last week at work, I opted for a more casual look.

My shoes were bugging me, so I chose to wear a pair of boots — kinda work-bootish … workbootish? Man, am I gay … but I digress. Then I threw on a  pair of Levis and a nice plaid shirt and when someone questioned my wardrobe I looked down at my clothes, and then said:

Oh my God! I’m a Lesbian!

No offense to lesbians, but I was a tool-belt away from switching sides..

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In other County Clerks Who Refuse To Follow The Law news, according to the Sixth Circuit Court, Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis has “little to no likelihood” of prevailing upon appeal that would allow her to keep her job and be a homophobic bigot and hypocrite.

She’ll have to start giving marriage licenses to The Gays … like the four clerks who gave her marriage licenses in the past for her four one-man-one-woman marriages, did.

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Josh Duggar has entered a long-term sex addiction rehab to cure him of his need to scour the internet searching for strippers to bang while his pregnant wife sits at home reading the Bible.

Oh, and apparently, it’s the same kind of rehab Josh went to  15 years ago to “cure” himself of being a child molester. You know, the rehab where he spent the summer doing construction.

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The Alabama Law Enforcement Agency says budget cuts are the reason it will close 45 of the state’s 49 DMV offices.

Uh huh. And Alabama wants y’all to know that these closures are not happening so that low-income Alabamans will not have easy access to getting state-approved IDs so they can vote.

Remember, this has nothing to do with Voter Suppression.

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