I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Manhattan federal Judge Ronnie Abrams recently ruled that The Huffington Post was within their rights to print a photo that did not belong to them of Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda and writing that Hamm was apparently “very blessed south of the border, and he, or those who examine photographs of him, really want you to know that.”

I did. I examined it very carefully and for a long while.

HuffPo was being sued by the Hammaconda photographer Lawrence Schwartzwald who wanted to be paid for the image, but the judge ultimately decided that HuffPost was making fun of Jon’s Johnson. Abrams said there’s legal precedent for news outlets using licensed images for stories that “illustrate what all the fuss is about.”

And I thank her for that, and I’ll also thank Hamm, for the Hammaconda, and for realizing that this is really no big deal.

No pun intended.

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Last May actor Brian Austin Green announced that he and his wife, actress Megan Fox, were really really finished with their marriage this time. And then Megan proved she was even more  done by quickly moving on from Green to rapper Machine Gun Kelly.

Who cares, right? Well, actress Vanessa Marcil, who was BAG’s girlfriend and baby mama in the early 2000s,  does and she’s speaking out.

Marcil And Green  hooked up in 1999 on the set of Beverly Hills, 90210 and in 2002 she gave birth to their son, Kassius Marcil-Green. They split up in 2003 and she has spent the last seventeen years fighting Green, and Fox, over custody of their child. Vanessa ALLEGES that Brian and Megan tried to get custody of Kassius, which Vanessa wasn’t into, and when a judge threw out their case, Brian basically stopped seeing his son.

So, what does Marcil do now? Come down squarely on Team Megan in a divorce that is literally none of her business, and hijack Megan’s Instagram account to tell the world that Green is a Bad Dad:

“Our job as adults is not to protect adults but to protect our children … I just speak the truth now at my son‘s request in order to help my son heal and not shoulder these secrets anymore. If his father‘s actions reflect poorly on him that is his doing. Not mine. … I just finally, now that Kass is grown, tell the truth regarding a court case and him cutting his son out of his life for 5 years. If you look back at our history his father publicly tried to slander me, lie about me, shame me as a working mother and take full custody of my son. ... He’s lucky that I don’t speak poorly of him after what he put our innocent boy through. He’s very big on doing things that publicly make him look like a nice guy. However, it is who you are when no one is looking that shows your true character.”

For someone who says she won’t speak ill of her son’s dad, she’s rather good at it. And, in the words of Lisa Rinna to Denise Richards on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills:

“Oof, you’re so angry.”

Vanessa? Hon? Your son with Green is a grown man now. Let him deal on his own with his father and perhaps you could stay out of it? And perhaps you should stay out of another’s person’s marriage and not be so filled with glee that another family has broken up when you were clearly so hurt when your family fell apart.

M’kay?

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Jude Law and his 32-year-old psychologist wife, Dr. Phillipa Coan, recently welcomed their first child together.

How nice, but for Jude it was also Baby #6. He  has three kids with his first wife, Sadie Frost—Rafferty, 23, Iris, 19, and Rudy, 13—plus another child with Samantha Burke—11-year-old Sophia—and a five-year-old daughter Ada, with Catherine Harding.

So, for the scoreboard that four mothers, six children, two wives, and two girlfriends.

That’s all.

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After leaving the Star Wars franchise, John Boyega has been speaking out about the online racist abuse he took from rabid fans, and the frustration he felt that the creators and studio did not have his back. He also put the creators on blast by acknowledging that the franchise has decided to sideline the characters of color. And now fragrance brand Jo Malone is apologizing to Boyega after they erased him from their ad campaign in China.

Boyega was Jo Malone’s first Black global ambassador last year and wrote and directed a commercial promoting company’s aftershave. But when it came to the company’s Chinese ad campaign Jo Malone inserted Asian actor Liu Haoran, and white and Asian actors while removing Boyega and other Black actors.

Jo Malone is now forced to apologize, or faux-pologize because there is no excuse:

“We deeply apologize for what on our end was a mistake in the local execution of the John Boyega campaign. John is a tremendous artist with great personal vision and direction. The concept for the film was based on John’s personal experiences and should not have been replicated.”

Um, a mistake? You erased a Black man and put an Asian actor in his place. That doesn’t happen by accident. Even worse … Boyega was not made aware of the recasting and found out about it on Twitter.

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When last we left Horrible Parents and College Scam Artists, Lori Loughlin, and Mossimo Giannulli admitted their guilt about cheating their illiterate daughters’ way in USC and were sentenced to two months in jail, for her, and five months, for him. But their prison stay, as short and privileged as it is, will make Felicity Huffman’s eleven-day jail stint for the same crime seem like a life sentence at Alcatraz.

Lori and Mossimo are basically going to Camp Rich People Prison. Lori will be at the Federal Correctional Institution in Victorville, while Mossimo will head to the Federal Correctional Institution in Lompoc.

Federal Correctional Institutions that offer their guests, er, inmates, yoga, Pilates and origami, as well as music lessons.

These people cheated and bribed to get their daughters into a prestigious school and their sentence is Summer Camp.

Good thing they’re rich and white …

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I Didn't Say It ...

George Clooney, actor/activist, on Steve Bannon, former advisor to _____, calling himself a “street fighter”:

“I like picking fights. I like that Breitbart News wants to have my head. I’d be ashamed 10 years from now if those weaselly little putzes, whose voices are getting a lot higher every week as this presidency starts to look worse and worse weren’t still [after me]. Steve Bannon is a failed f**ing screenwriter, and if you’ve ever read [his] screenplay, it’s unbelievable. Now, if he’d somehow managed miraculously to get that thing produced, he’d still be in Hollywood, still making movies and licking my ass to get me to do one of his stupid-ass screenplays.”

Steve Bannon licking George Clooney’s ass? Oy. Especially when you realize that Bannon has had his lips pressed to _____ rump for the last couple of years.

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Kirk Cameron, on God’s lovingly murderous wrath

“One thing we know about hurricanes — and all weather — is that this is not Mother Nature in a bad mood. This is a spectacular display of God’s immense power. And when He puts His power on display, it’s never without reason. There’s a purpose. And we may not always understand what that purpose is, but we know it’s not random. And we know that weather is sent to cause us to respond to God in humility, awe, and repentance.”

And that’s a Christian’s view of God ... who will kill you to humble you.

No wonder I don’t believe ...

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Joe Biden, former Vice President—and next President?—blasting “Education Secretary” Betsy DeVos' plan to rescind sexual assault reporting procedures on college campus:

"Sexual assault is the ultimate abuse of power, and its pernicious presence in our schools is unacceptable. Policies that do not treat this epidemic with the utmost seriousness are an insult to the lives it has damaged and the survivors who have worked so hard to make positive change. Students have taken on this fight. Keep fighting. Tell this administration that we refuse to go backwards. We will have succeeded when no woman who is abused ever instinctively asks the question, 'What did I do?’”

Again ... run, Joe, run ... or, aththe very least, keep turning the screws on this corrupt administration.

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Tucker Carlson, Fox News lapdog, fuming that Tony Perkins’ hate group, Family Research Council, has been labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center:

“Well, to call someone a hate group is to lump them in, in the popular mind, in my mind anyway, with like Nazis and crazy people, violent people, truly scary people….You would think that any normal reporter, no matter how liberal, would be looking through the list of hate groups, so-called hate groups​​, and say, “You know, OK, some of them are clearly hateful and crazy.” And then they get to the Family Research Council, and you say, “I may not agree with their agenda, but they are not a hate group.” Why does nobody at say CNN or The Washington Post ever think this is overreach? It is not a hate group. It is a Christian group.”

Let me make this queer for you, Fucker, er, Tucker: the FRC hates The Gays and wants to do whatever it can to deny us equality because we are gay. They hate The Gays, hence they are a hate group.

Now, siddown.

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Brian Austin Green, 90210 alum, to those who raged when his wife, Megan Fox, posted a photo on her Instagram account showing their son Noah dressed as Queen Elsa from Frozen:

“He’s four and I’ve heard from some people that they don’t agree. They don’t agree with him wearing dresses. To them I say, ‘I don’t care.’ He’s four and if he wants to wear it, then he wears it. And it’s dresses or goggles, or slippers, whatever. I feel like at four or five, that’s the time when he should be having fun. He’s not harming anyone wearing a dress. So, if he wants to wear a dress, awesome. Good on him.”

Bravo, sir; if he wears a dress because he’s questioning his gender identity or expressing his gender identity, why stifle it. If he wears a dress because he’s expressing creativity, why stifle it.

He’s a kid and all the haters need to keep moving.

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Hillary Clinton, former Secretary of State and presidential candidate, saying she won’t pursue the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination:

“I am done with being a candidate, but I am not done with politics because I literally believe that our country’s future is at stake. We have a reality show that leads to the election of a president. He ends up in the Oval Office. He says, ‘Boy, it’s so much harder than I thought it would be. This is really tough. I had no idea.’ Well, yeah, because it’s not a show. It’s real. It’s reality, for sure.”

I am glad—and I hope she means it—that she’s done; I am also glad that she will continue to speak up and out in the political arena, but, yeah, her time has come and gone.

Oh, and Bernie, if you’re listening, take a note.

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John Oliver, host of HBO’s Last Week Tonight, catching up with all things _____ after his vacation:

“His 35-year-old daughter calls him ‘Daddy’ and he likes it. That is just one of those facts that on some level I already knew I just never wanted to have confirmed. ... [And] he’s all over the place. Dreamers have to go. Or maybe they can come back. Or maybe they don’t have to go at all. And in the meantime, 800,000 people’s lives are in the balance….It is actually really ironic that he is taking such a hard line against Dreamers. Because this guy is clearly out of his f**king mind.”

Word.

And yeah, ‘Daddy’? Ick.

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Ted Cruz, on that Twitter ‘Like’ heard around the world:

“There are a number of people on the team who have access on the account. It appears that someone inadvertently hit the ‘like’ button. When we discovered the post, which was I guess an hour or two later, we pulled it down. It was a staffing issue, and it was inadvertent.”

So, someone, not Ted Cruz, a Bible thumping Republican—and we know those folks don’t go for porn :::wink wink:::—“inadvertently” liked a porn tweet?

Gurl please. No one buys that, except maybe your wife.

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Jimmy Kimmel, on Ted Cruz’s “Like” of Twitter porn, and the excuses that followed:

“It was a video from a genre known as ‘stepmom porn.’ Just think, if only he’d done something this perverted during the campaign he might be president right now. I have four theories. Number 1, someone on his staff was browsing porn on Twitter and accidentally liked it. Number 2, his Twitter account was hacked. Number 3, Ted himself was looking at the porn, his wife Heidi walked in and he accidentally hit the ‘like’ button while he was trying to get his pants zipped up. Or number 4, you know Ted lost the presidential election, he’s been bullied by _____, he’s tired of being the uptight religious guy from Texas, he just said, ‘screw it, I watch porn in public now, this is who I am.' [But] I really honestly don’t think it was Ted Cruz. I don’t think Ted Cruz looks at porn. Ted Cruz masturbates to pictures of poor people without healthcare.”

C’mon ... we all know it was Ted.

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It's Snarkurday!

Oh, it’s a Kardastrophe! Khloe Kardastrophe, that is. Her brilliantly awful talk show, Kocktails with Khloe has been Kanceled.  I know, Surprise! Not.

And, ALLEGEDLY, the show was canceled because it was Khloe Khaos up in there. While it ALLEGEDLY had been a ratings bonanza for the FYI network — not to be confused with the FML network — because it had more viewers than the test pattern it replaced, it was all such a hot mess that the plug was finally pulled.

But the biggest hot mess was Khloe herself who was used to being on a hit show and being kinda the boss, but suddenly finding that she wasn’t all that and a bag of chips.

Let me break it down like this: the Kardastrophes are big on E! because E! puts them everywhere and caters to their every whim, but when you take a Kardastrophe, That Woman or Khloe, and put them where they have no E! publicity machine, they tank because, wait for it, no one really cares.

It’s like a bad sequel to Back to the Future, Part Has-been: Nicolas Cage and Vince Neil apparently got into a brawl outside the Aria Hotel in Las Vegas last week.

The fight started inside the hotel after a woman came up to Nicolas and Vince and asked Nicolas for an autograph. Then ALLEGEDLY, Vince Neil, apparently pissed the women didn’t know who he was, walked up behind the woman, yanked her hair and pulled her to the ground.

And so Nicolas Cage went all superhero on Neil’s ass, and the fight was taken outside where Cage tried to get Neil into a car … and that was all caught on tape.

Police were called and Vince Neil was cited for battery, but was not arrested. Odd, since he’s currently the subject of a criminal investigation for other Vegas brawls.

But it’s the video that’s kinda funny — Google it and you’ll see — because Nicolas Cage appears to be angling for another Oscar as his emotions run the gamut from screaming and shrieking at Vince Neil, to holding him close and whispering in his ear.

But maybe it’s just Nicolas Cage being insane … again.

So, we’ve heard about 50 Cent’s legal issues: he owes millions in damages for being a dick, and then tried to claim that he has no money, all the while posting pictures to social media of himself standing in front of piles of cash.

Well, Fiddy was in bankruptcy court again and the judge in the case was not amused at his lack of interest in the case.

Judge Ann Nevins wasn’t playing when she said she didn’t want to see anymore Instagram pictures of 50 Cent’s wads of cash pics. See, the last time Fiddy was in bankruptcy court to discuss those pictures, he took another picture of himself with thousands of dollars stuffed into his pants while he was eating M&Ms.

Cuz that’s what asshats do in bankruptcy court.

So when Judge Nevins saw that picture she took away Fiddy’s phone. Wow, how will Fiddy be able to mock the judicial system now that his iPhone is in contempt of court?

So Blac Chyna and Rob Kardastrophe are engaged. How’s that gonna play out? Um, on TV ALLEGEDLY and soon, too, because Blac’n’Rob don’t want to draw it out.

Blac’n’Rob are hoping to negotiate some kind of TV deal which would show the wedding planning and the actual wedding — just like Kim’s nanosecond marriage to Kris Humphries — and That Woman, who doesn’t much care for Blac and thinks the engagement is all media hype, is now trying to negotiate the deal so she can get a few coins out of it, too.

No word on whether or not she’ll negotiate the Divorce Court episode where Blac’n’Rob untie their mess of a union about 72 days after tying the knot.

And while we’re on Kardastrophe’s and those who are Kardastrophe-adjacent, did y’all hear this week when Kendall Jenner announced that she started the trend of wearing wigs and that no one else wore them until she did?

Marie Antoinette was last seen crawling from her crypt to bitch slap that child, and starting an army with RuPaul, Dolly Parton, Raquel Welch, George Washington, Patti LaBelle, Little Richard, King Louis XIV, Cher, and me, at age thirteen, wearing one of my Mom’s wigs on  Halloween.

Kendall, honey, sit down. For a long time please.

Now, due to a court order, newspapers in England and Wales can’t print any of the gritty details of this story, but thankfully we are not England and Wales …

Apparently David Furnish, the husband of Elton John — the subject of a sexual harassment lawsuit — has been named in a sex scandal across the pond.

English papers are calling the couple “AB” and “CD” while reporting the tale of a “well-known figure”, AKA David Furnish, who had a threesome with another couple more than four years ago.

The National Enquirer — and remember they broke the John Edwards cheater story — says “Elton John betrayed by cheating husband” though they also say John says he knew about the relationship. According to the Enquirer, Furnish had unprotected sex with a man at least twice—an allegation John’s lawyers deny—and that Furnish joined the man and his husband in a threesome that involved cavorting in a kiddie pool filled with olive oil.

Seriously … olive oil and kiddie pools. And since they have been banned from telling the tale, The Sun newspaper was left to simply publishing a picture of a small plastic pool and a glass jar of olive oil.

Just sayin’.

Last we heard from Megan Fox she was divorcing her husband Brian Austin Green after several years of marriage and two children.

Or, is it three children? See, Megan Fox is pregnant again — showing off a baby bump to promote the no-one-asked-for-this sequel to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — and the baby daddy is  none other than her soon-to-be ex.

It seems that while separating and planning to divorce, Brian and Megan shared a house and a bed and the desire to have unprotected sex and now they’ll go on with the divorce and the baby.

Only in Hollywood.

It’s not exactly shaping up to be a great week for Kardastrophes, and those who are Kardastrophe-adjacent.

Khloe’s show got the boot, and then she took out an ad, or just flapped her lips, that she’s done, again, with Lamar Odom. Kanye Kardastrophe also trotted out yet another excuse for his stealing the limelight from Taylor Swift—something he did almost twenty years ago … or at least it feels like it.

And now Tyga, the baby daddy to his girlfriend’s brother’s soon-to-be stepchild, might have to say goodbye to another one of his leased luxury cars. According to documents Tyga owes a whole lot of money to Choice Motor Credit and hasn’t made a single payment on his 2013 Lamborghini Aventador.

But this isn’t Tyga’s first run in with creditors who want their coins. Earlier this year, Choice Motor Credit repossessed Tyga’s 2014 Bentley Mulsanne — because he still owed $91,000 for that car — and last Summer it was revealed that Tyga owed two different landlords a combined total of $150,000 in unpaid rent. 

And now the repo man has a’calling … again. Look for a Very Special Episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophe’s: Tyga Loses His Car … And His Shiz.

Oh Gwyneth Paltrow, you slay me with your snobbery.

Gwyneth has a new cookbook that someone wrote for her called It’s All Easy because Gwyneth is all about the simplistic of cooking … like asking the maid to rustle up some eggs … ordering the gardener to cut you a salad from the Back Forty … asking the driver to swing by Whole Foods for a bale of kale.

But it was this line that killed me, with Paltrow declaring her home a microwave free zone:

“I do not own a microwave. No. I believe in the old-fashioned way of heating things up.”

Gwyneth-speak for:

I have the servants heat it up with the flame from an old Bic lighter.

And one more thing Gwyneth will not tolerate: dill.

“It really offends me.”

Dill was last seen trying to score a dime bag on Skid Row to put itself out of Paltrow’s misery.