Why Is It ...

… that people don’t notice that I prefer hanging out in groups of three because I can go nonverbal and they can entertain each other while I look at a tree or something

… that people don’t seem to get it that me ignoring you is me being nice to you

… that as a child I wanted to be included in everything but as an adult I want y’all to stop asking me to go out

… that my other spirit animal is a racoon … because we have dark rings around our eyes? Or because we like to eat junk food? Because we’re a bit chubby but somewhat cute and possibly rabid? Or because we will fight you for no apparent reason?

… that people need to stop asking me to meet up; half my neighbors don’t even know I exist

… that people don’t realize that my only social skills are laughing when I shouldn’t, telling a joke in an awkward situation,  and saying “You, too” when the server tells me to enjoy my meal

… that adulting means using the phone flashlight more often than I ever thought possible

… that, while it’s actually more, my three dominant personalities are the one who talks to much, the one who doesn’t talk at all, and the one to talks to myself like I’m a full-on podcast.

… that when my boss comes up with a project and looks for volunteers and I shout “Not it,” he is not amused

… that my new diet is a lot of salads, like last night … mostly tomatoes and croutons; well, one big crouton covered in tomato sauce and cheese. It was a pizza, okay? I had a whole pizza

Why Is It ...

… that I suddenly woke up one day to realize that I know more medications on The Pitt than I do musical guests on SNL.

… that I cannot stop myself when I speak. I was in court once and the judge told me I had to tell the truth, and then started to ask, “Do you swear …” and I replied, “Every day, motherfucker” and suddenly I was in a cell for something called 'contempt'.

… that people say skydiving is scary but I say “What about being at a friend of a friends house and you use the bathroom and the toilet won’t flush? Terrifying.

… that while seeing my therapist he suggested I stop doing weird things, so I told him I went to the park that day; he asked if I’d gotten anything out of it, and I opened my coat and said, “I got this duck.”

… that my friends don’t realize that when I say, “I might join you later,” I mean, “You have a better chance seeing Tupac riding a unicorn than you have of seeing me later.”

… that being an adult ruins weekends … on Friday I’m exhausted after work, and on Saturdays I want to chill but there are errands and chores to be done, while on Sundays I’m pissed off because it’s basically Monday again.

… that when a form asks who to call in case of an emergency I always write “Ambulance” because no one in my family is answering an unknown number.

… that when a friend asked if I wanted to go out on Friday I said I would but I already have my jammies on and everything, and then he said, “But it’s only Tuesday,” to which I replied, “I said what I said.”

… that while at a friends house I remarked that the candles smell like Fireball, and the hostess said, “For those of us who aren’t heavy drinkers, Bob, that scent is cinnamon.”

… that people realize that, while at times they can take me down, I will rise again, like a phoenix, that tripped over an extension cord, hurt my shoulder and then awkwardly stood up.

Why Is It ...

… that most people don’t realize the world would be a better place if everyone took a chill pill, and it would get even better if some of them choked on it

… that most people don’t realize that fake laughing with a client is a highly prized job skill

… that I spend a lot of time wondering if I’m going to let it slide or start something when we all know I’m going to start something.

… that the older I get the easier it is for me too look at a situation and say, “Yeah, I’m out.”

… that I am so anti-social that I will reschedule the same phone call eight times hoping they’ll just text instead.

… that I actually love it when people think they’re punishing me by not talking to me

… that sometimes simply saying “Hi” can be the beginning of three years of trauma and so that’s why I don’t reply.

… that people need to know that my body is a filter; coffee goes in and sarcasm comes out.

… that hitting the gym to relieve stress is never quite as effective as hitting the people who stressed me out in the first place.

… that you should forgive your enemy but never forget the bastard’s name

Why Is It ...

… that when someone tries to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “There's gonna be a lot of people there,” my response is, “Oh, okay ... then No.”

… that I have only just learned that the best way to get out of a conversation is to take one sock off and hand it to the person speaking. Problem solved.

… that no one has yet to invent transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

... that no one realizes that I can’t even fake “kick it” so that’s why they don’t see me.

… that my friends keep asking me to try out their new Ouija board when they know I don’t even like talking to living people.

… that people don’t realize that I do not get drunk; I just get less classy and more fun

… that people don’t realize that I am just here to post shiz I find funny. Please know, however, that if that offends you, I find that shiz funny, too.

… that people need to learn that I am not the bigger person and they should leave me alone.

… that when people say I should get out more and get out of my comfort zone I always reply, ‘Howsabout you get outta my comfort zone.’

… that people don’t realize that out of all the lies I’ve told in my lifetime, ‘Just kidding’ is my favorite.

Why Is It ...

… that people always tell me to “just be myself” and forget that I have already tried that and traumatized everybody.

… that people have yet to learn that I want to be invited so I can say No.

… that I often wonder what the part of my brain that used to memorize telephone numbers is doing now.

… that no one understands that I have an on again off again relationship with reality

… that when you tap a video online you can see how much longer it plays but you can’t do the same to people.

… that I like to surround myself with people who have extensive vocabularies but still choose to say ‘fuck’ a lot.

… that people don’t see that I am so fine that I stay in the house all day because I am like a collector’s item.

… that the key to looking amazing is looking like crap most of the time so looking good is more of a surprise.

… that if I am giving you any attention, you should feel blessed since my real passion is ignoring people.

… that most people don’t realize that getting old means you prefer day drinking to staying out all night.

Why Is It ...

… that most all of my friends know that if we’re in a crowd of people and I say, “since we’re being funny,” it’s time to take me out of the room.

… that people have forgotten that oldest of Commandments ‘Know thy lane and stayeth in it.”

… that I am the friend you can cancel on at the last minute? Is it because I wasn’t going anyway?

… that sometimes I tell people “I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are” and watch their face while they try to figure out if it was a compliment or not.

… that every so often I head up to IKEA to see if they can help me assemble the fucking will to live.

… that no one realzies that calling someone a dildo is a perfectly acceptable insult; you could call them a dick, but they aren’t real enough.

… that even I know I should be ashamed of my attitude; to be clear, I’m not, but I should be.

… that people need to learn if they press their bottom lip to their top lip, they can actually shut the fuck up; go on, try it, I’ll wait.

 … that no one sees that introverts don’t get FOMO; we get FOBI … fear of being included.

… that people don’t realize I am an anti-stalker. I’m learning someone’s routine so I can avoid them.

… that no one gets that I will cook rice one grain at a time before I worry about someone not talking to me.

Why Is It ...

… that when I tell people to pray for Carlos it’s not because there’s something wrong; it’s just that he married me and I’m a lot.

… that people don’t get it that I want to be invited but I won’t be coming.

… that when I’m feeling good I go to my blocked lists on social media and release one of two prisoners.

… that I can endure a lot of things at work without losing my cool, but having one of my “best pens” go missing is not one of them.

… that opening the microwave door 1 second early because I don’t need the hootin’ and hollerin’ is a form of self-care.

… that people seem to forget that I am Fucktose Intolerant and am completely unable to tolerate other people’s bull shit.

… that when Aphrodite lies around naked in a clamshell she’s a goddess, but when I do it, they call me a drunk and ban me from the aquarium.

… that no one remembers that I am not the bigger person; if you take it there, trust and believe that I am going way past that.

… that I’ve been having just two moods lately … IDGAF and IDGAF Part 2, now with extra attitude.

… that when the newscaster says shark-infested waters during a shark bite report, I shriek, “Sharks don’t infest the waters, THEY LIVE THERE!!!!!”

Why Is It ...

… that instead of writing LOL—I kid,  never write or say LOL—I’m going to start writing SALTS …Smiled A Little Then Stopped.

… that I often wish I could go back in time and leave some people right where I found them.

… that the health-nuts at work told me that I am what I eat but I don’t remember eating anxiety and back pain and rage at coworkers telling me what to eat.

… that I like smiling at people, for no reason, who don’t like me; stay bothered.

… that I have made really bad decisions while drunk, but then I ask myself if the sober ones were any better and the answer is, not so much.

… that it’s my ability to read the room that keeps me staying home.

… that my boss still doesn’t realize I don’t go to work to hustle and grind, but to chit and chat and take time off.

… that when my therapist told me I needed to love myself, I replied, ‘I’m not really my type.’

… that my boss wasn’t happy when I said I needed  a ‘maycation,’ especially when I explained that meant that I may come back or I may not.

… that being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

Why Is It ...

… that I say Good Morning to everyone except those who say it’s too early for my bull shiz; to them I say, 'Get up earlier.'

… that my coffee looked at me this morning and whispered, ‘Sorry, I don’t do miracles.’

… that people don’t get that driving alone is tiring; I have to be the lead singer and the backup singer, the dancers, the drummer and the guitarist, etc.

… that no one understands that I don’t do second chances; 53 chances and then I’m done.

… that most of the time my mind is like someone emptied the junk drawer onto a trampoline and then started bouncing.

… that I am happy being the reason a nun clutches her Rosary when I walk by.

… that when I was dating and filled the room with candles, my date called it romantic and yet I knew I was about to perform a sacrifice.

… that when people ask if they can come over I say, ‘Sorry, my house is in the shop.’

… that we’re often told we catch more flies with honey than vinegar but I can catch plenty out of your hollowed out carcass, so this can go either way.

… that I love the idea of being someone’s peace, but unfortunately I’m crazy.

Why Is It ...

… that I am as swift as a gazelle … an old one … with arthritis … run over by a Land Rover … seven days ago.

… that I am not weird, but I am simply a Limited Edition. Kidding, I’m weird AF.

… that I don’t have a train of thought … I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when their paths cross and all the conductors are screaming.

… that people need to remember that I have a soft heart and a savage mouth; I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

… that when people disagree with me I generally say, ‘Nice argument, unfortunately, your mama,’ and then I saunter away.

… there is nothing better than hearing friends say, ‘We never see you around.’ I mean, I know, I make sure of it.

… that when people ask me if I run, I say out of patience , money and good decisions.

… that no one realizes I have three basic moods: IDK, IDC, IDGAF and it’s a daily spin-the wheel situation.

… that when I’m drunk I forget I’m shy and I suddenly become the CEO of Chaos, giving life advice to strangers like I’ve got a PhD in bad choices.

… that the idea that someone looked at a purple onion and named it a red red onion really irks me

…. that I seek restraining orders on anyone not wearing deodorant.

Why Is It ...

… that I often warn people by saying, ‘Welcome to my mind. Please fasten your seatbelt and keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times. Do not feed the animals, drink the water, or talk to the voices. Enjoy the ride!’

… that I just dunked a cookie into a glass of milk, waited for the bubbles to stop, and thought of you.

… that people never learn the most important tip for talking to me: Don’t.

… that it’s apparently rude to thump someone in the forehead and shout ‘Skip intro’ when they start talking to you.

… that when something says ‘Don’t start it always gives me a thrill and makes me want to start.

… that at a bar the other night I asked for a vodka and the bartender said ‘This is McDonalds’ and then looked at me like I’m crazy when I said, ‘Okay, gimme a McVodka.’

… that someone asks if I want to slip into something more comfortable I will get in my car and leave.

… that I just found out that it’s a ‘thing’ to throw the ball into the crowd after you win the game, but not in bowling … never in bowling.

… that you could really cry me a river and I’d just jump in a boat and row away from you.

… that being naturally funny is annoying  because most of the time I’m just minding my own business and people are over there laughing like I’m doing stand-up.

Why Is It ...

… that talking to a new person isn’t exciting anymore because I realize I probably won’t even remember them in a week.

… that people don’t understand that my life would be less stressful if I had my own deserted island.

… that sometimes I find a random screw lying around my house and I just assume it’s from my life falling apart.

… that no one remembers that my phone is always in my hand so if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

… that when I tell someone “I swear on my life,” they are apt to reply, “I’ve seen your life, swear on something else.”

… that I am based on a true story.

… that when I sing, “when I think about you I touch myself,” what I really mean is I am rubbing my temples because you’re giving me a f**king migraine.

… that when I say “the other day” that could mean anytime between yesterday and my birth.

… when I think of how 2025 is going for me, I think in terms of a movie … written by Stephen King, directed by Tarantino and the music by Yoko Ono.

… that I am at that age where every morning my body whispers, ‘Don’t do that again.’

Why Is It ...

… that the other day I stared at the screen for several minutes and then announced, “God this show is boring,” and then heard my boss say, “This is a zoom meeting.” Still, I wasn't exactly wrong.

… that when someone yells stop, I don’t know if it’s “in the name of love,” or if it’s “Hammer time,” or if I need to “smell the roses.”

… that sometimes a yawn is so good you just gotta scream at the end.

… that when people tell me that I shouldn’t let the cats sleep in the bed with me, they don’t understand that I would lets our cats take a loan out in my name.

… that when people say I’m overthinking the situation they don’t realize that I have no other form of thinking.

… that my grocery list is always very simple … #1: Don’t run into anyone I know, and #2 Bread.

… that when someone is trying to offend me they don’t understand that my sense of humor is blacker than my coffee.

… that Taylor Swift could be performing live from my kitchen and I still wouldn’t go.

… that no one ever told me that when I got older the weather app would become part of my daily routine.

Why Is It ...

… that, based on the amount of laundry I do every week, I starting to think there are people living here that I haven’t met yet.

… that we all have that one friend that  you need to tell “be nice” before introducing them to anyone new; and, yeah, I’m that friend who needs to be told.

… that if we’re only talking about looks I think I’m a good 7, but if you factor in sense of humor, personality and values I’m a decent 2.

… that when someone says to me, “I never see you around” I respond with, “I know, I make sure of it.”

… that friends need to know that if I don’t text back it’s because they didn’t say anything interesting.

… that I have only just realized that one aspect of adulthood is the rage I feel when they rearrange my grocery store.

… that some people will text me at 2AM asking what I’m doing , and I respond “I’m outside negotiating a peace treaty with a racoon.”

Why Is It ...

… that people need to learn that trying to talk to me on Messenger is like trying to talk to a wall in your house.

… that most days I want  to put an ‘Out of Order’ sticker on my head and call it a day.

… that when we were younger we wanted to be adults so badly and now look at us. Just fucking look at us!

… that whatever you’re heard about me, know that I can be way worse.

… that the other day I heard a guy in a store on his cell phone saying, “Susan, I’m in the car right now on my way home,” and I yelled, “No, he’s not. He’s at the store.” Nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

… that if you think money doesn’t bring happiness, transfer some to my account.

… that my sister once said that I didn’t respect her privacy, and I only know that because I read it in her diary.

… that I don’t know why, but I love to mess around and find out sometimes.

… that I like to say to someone, when I meet them for the first time, “You’re exactly what I expected.”Ah, establishing dominance.

… that I hate it when I lose things at work … like my favorite pen or my fucking will to live.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t get it that I don’t waste time Googling song lyrics; I sing what I hear ... ♪♫ Dancing queen, young and sweet only seven teeth.♫♪

… that my mood has so many swings it’s a park now.

… that they ask you to be at the airport three hours before your flight but they won’t tell you what gate to go to until the very last minute.

… that, at this point, if a clown invited me into the woods alone, I would just go.

… that my social skills include: 1] laughing when I shouldn’t laugh; 2] telling jokes in awkward situations; and C] saying ‘You too’ when the waiter tells me to enjoy my dinner.

… that you need to know that before you judge me, I don’t care.

… that when someone tells me I look familiar, I say, “I don’t even go outside, why are you lying?”

… that I need an app that deletes my number from other people’s phones.

… that no one understands that if you think I’m mean now, wait until I don’t like you.

… that controlling my facial expressions has to be the toughest battle I fight every day.

Why Is It ...

… that even though I can tell who is real and who is fake, I love watching a fake person’s acting skills.

… that everyone hates math until they get their paycheck and suddenly they all know calculus.

… that when people text me "Where you at” I always look around for a minute before I lie.

… that it doesn’t matter if you’re ugly or beautiful, at the end of the day it’s evening.

… that mind is like a web browser; 21 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

… that people need to learn that when I say “I’ll call you later,” I mean later in life, not later today.

… that while I know I swear a lot ... [A] I am sorry ... [B] I’ll watch my mouth from now on ... [C] A & B are lies ... [D] You can fuck off.

… that while I am trying to stop being mean, y’all need to stop being stupid first.

… thatI have been told that I am going to Hell for my excessive use of the F-word, but I have rented a bus if any of you fuckers want a ride.

Why Is It ...

… that if it’s inappropriate and tasteless and rude, chances are I will find it fucking high-larious.

… that people need to understand that I refer to myself as a “free spirit” because it sounds classier than “out of fucking control.”

… that I want to normalize work emails  with: “What the fuck are you talking about?”

… that I am so antisocial that I will walk past people I know.

… that I don’t even have a sense of humor anymore. Nowadays it’s just sarcasm and a general dislike for the majority of the human population.

… that some of you people need to go to Church because I don’t want you in Hell with me.

… that if you hate me, join the club. There are weekly meeting at the corner of Fuck You St. and Kiss My Ass Blvd.

… that if you are testing my waters you’d best know how to swim.

… that the reason I don’t make excuses for horrible people is because I know you cannot put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.

… that if y’all think I’m crazy do you really think it’s a good idea to fuck with me?

Why Is It ...

... that people need to know that, while I might be annoying, at least MY lock screen isn’t a selfie.

… that when I was younger and my parents told me not to come home late, I always came home early … the next morning.

… that I miss the old days back in 1955 when I didn’t exist.

… that the fact that I have more clothes to sleep in than I do to go out in says a lot about who I am as a person.

… that I want to join the cicadas this summer and just scream for six weeks straight.

… that when a social media post includes “I bet none of my friends will share this” you can rest assured I won’t.

… that when I know my social media page is being watched I post things on purpose, just to ruffle your feathers.

… that sometimes the best place to be is nowhere to be found.

… that no one  or nothing has had a bigger glow up in the last ten years than cauliflower. It went from being nasty ashy broccoli to being the Mystique of vegetables, always coming at you with a new shape. You want rice? Mashed potatoes? Pasta? Cheese? Pizza? Low cost housing? A man? Make it from cauliflower.

Why Is It ...

… that while some best friends get matching tattoos, my best friend and I have matching mental issues.

… that I have the ability to mulitask; I can lose my mind and chill at the same time.

… that I had to learn about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes. That information is only useful during Parallelogram Season.

… that even though I keep saying “it is what it is,” I need to know: what is it?

… that kids today are so soft. I remember I died once when I was seven and my mom told me to walk it off.

… that anytime I am suspicious of something I swear I am almost always right.

… that every so often I choose to wear a House Arrest Ankle bracelet as an excuse not to go out at night.

… that I never did a One Night Stand, but I did do a One Year of Wasting My F*cking time.

… that I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.