Why Is It ...

... that nobody remembers that before the internet we thought the cause of stupidity was the lack of access to information but now we know that wasn’t it.

… that I still don’t understand how people my age can have children. I am children.

… that my co-workers have yet to learn that I am two scoops of grumpy in a bowl of bitchy every single morning.

… that alcohol doesn’t solve your problems but then neither does milk so pour me a drink 

… that no one remembers that I talk a lot of smack for someone who tiptoes in the 5-foot end of the pool for fear I’ll drown.

… that everybody needs to know that I will separate glitter before I let your opinion of me stress me out.

… that I wake up everyday in a room-sized bed, and then I am gently lifted from the covers and dressed in a warm cozy sweater while my favorite foods are brought to me, and that I have no job and no bills and no responsibilities and suddenly I realize I am a chihuahua and I am filled with rage.

… that people often forget that while I am not a 10 at the beach I am a 10 at Walmart

… that people don’t know that I have reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

… that I get stuck thinking that soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish.

… that no one ever recognizes me in my Halloween costume? Is it because I go out as Emotionally Stable?

Why Is It ...

… that I realized I may have a drinking problem because the other day over breakfast Carlos asked me to toast some bread for him and I raised my martini and said, “Here’s to bread!”

… that everything nowadays is so expensive ... even dirty deeds are no longer done dirt cheap.

… that I can't help but laugh at those little teenagers walking into school with their iced coffees. My generation took vodka to school in water bottles, rookies!

… that gas is so high that the mailman is working from home; he calls me and reads my bills to me.

… that the next time you’re down about life put it all in perspective. I have a friend that has sex 2 to 3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week, and yet every day he complains how much he hates prison.

… that when something needs to be said and no one wants to say, I’m already over here clearing my throat. Don’t worry, I got this.

… that when I was eating chicken a vegan walked up to me and said, “What you’re eating had a family,” and I replied, “That’s why I ordered the family bucket. No one gets left behind.”

… that when people tell me swearing isn’t necessary I always shout, "I know it fucking isn't! I’m vulgar not stupid."

… that I don’t think I drink too much coffee but I do believe my body will keep moving up to forty-eight hours after my death.

… that my tastes have always been vanilla, more mild than wild. But I'm super into B&D now. Block and Delete.

Why Is It ...

… that we have anger management classes but we don’t have stupidity management classes? You can be dumb but I can’t be angry?

… that you need to know that someone, somewhere, right now, is thinking of you and the impact you’ve made on their life, but it isn’t me cuz I think you’re an effing idiot.

… that people don’t understand that I’m not really a “people person,” I am more of a “one human at a time, by appointment only” kind of person ... “no walk-ins allowed.”

… that when my therapist asked what triggers me and I replied, “Nouns,” she didn’t understand until I added, “People, places and things.”

… that I just learned that the serving size for chips is ten; hell, I eat ten chips while trying to decide if I want chips.

… that people are just now learning how good water is for you … you want to lose weight, drink water … you want clear skin, more water … don’t like a person, drown them. Water is amazing.

… that people are all against cigarettes, sugar and booze now but forget who was there for you when your life fell apart; hint: it wasn’t broccoli.

… that people can’t understand why The Wizard of Oz is my all-time favorite movie? I mean, dropping houses on a bitch, making them melt and shiz, I live for that.

… that men don’t test anti-wrinkle creams on their ball sack first? If it gets wrinkles out of that, I’m buying that shiz in bulk.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t understand that I am fully aware of how annoying I can be but that’s their problem and not mine.

… that there is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul … especially when it’s over ice with a celery stalk and vodka.

… that I shout “not friendly” when people approach me while out walking and I don’t have a dog; I’m talking about me.

… that when I call in sick to work never ask me what’s wrong; I’m sick of y’all, that’s what.

… that no one realizes that my toxic trait is that you cannot threaten me with screenshots of what I said. I said what I said. Get me a microphone and I’ll say it again.

… that try as I might I cannot find bug repellent that works on people.

… that if you text me and I text right back do not ever assume you can call me because you know my phone is in my hand. I will call the police.

… that I tell people I’m vegan … well, a social vegan … I avoid meet.

… that Carlos still hasn’t learned that when I suggest we play doctor what I mean is that he go sit in another room for an hour while I read.

… that I didn’t know life was gonna be like this? Had I known I would have gotten a job and bought a house in first grade.

Why Is It ...

… that most people don’t realize that the reason I don’t eat grapes is because I am not used to consuming wine in pill form

… that after my doctor told me to watch my drinking, I left his office to find a bar with a mirror

… that you know you've finally grown up when you actually pick up the ice ‎cube instead of kicking it under the fridge; of note, I am not that grown up

… that no one told me to enjoy my youth because after fifty my body’s dashboard was going to light up like a Christmas tree

… that the biggest lie I tell myself is that ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.

… that I have finally admitted that my level of weirdness is above the national average and I’m comfortable with that

… that I think some people need to come with a 30-second trailer so I can see what I’m getting into

… that whoever decided that a one-inch candy bar should be called ‘fun-sized’ should really reevaluate their standards for entertainment

… that when you were a child you often made funny faces in the mirror, but after middle age the mirror gets even

… that people need to realize that the reason I don’t iron my clothes is because if I’m not wrinkle-free why should my shirts and pants be wrinkle-free?

Why Is It ...

… that when I think of Maddie, I always think, ‘Let the fun begin’ … wait, that’s not right. Oh, yeah, I think, ‘Let the fun be gin.’

… that people never learn that, before they try to hurt my feelings, take into consideration that I don’t have any and they probably do.

… that nothing brings out my inner sarcasm like being asked stupid questions at work.

… that people always ask why I post so many memes; short answer: I don’t have the body for an OnlyFans. Next question, please.

… that I often wonder if clouds look down on people and think, ‘That one is shaped like an idiot.’

… that people should remember that if I ever win the lottery, nobody around me will be poor and I mean that. Right after cashing that check I will be moving to a rich neighborhood.

… that it’s a 5 minute walk to the bar but a 45 minute walk home … the difference is staggering.

… that no one realizes how much I hate when they ring my doorbell because then I have to drop to the floor, lay there in silence and pretend I’m not home.

… that seeing people walk out of my life is really painful because I want to see them run.

Meme Dump

Meme Dump

Why Is It ...

… that I often warn people by saying, ‘Welcome to my mind. Please fasten your seatbelt and keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times. Do not feed the animals, drink the water, or talk to the voices. Enjoy the ride!’

… that I just dunked a cookie into a glass of milk, waited for the bubbles to stop, and thought of you.

… that people never learn the most important tip for talking to me: Don’t.

… that it’s apparently rude to thump someone in the forehead and shout ‘Skip intro’ when they start talking to you.

… that when something says ‘Don’t start it always gives me a thrill and makes me want to start.

… that at a bar the other night I asked for a vodka and the bartender said ‘This is McDonalds’ and then looked at me like I’m crazy when I said, ‘Okay, gimme a McVodka.’

… that someone asks if I want to slip into something more comfortable I will get in my car and leave.

… that I just found out that it’s a ‘thing’ to throw the ball into the crowd after you win the game, but not in bowling … never in bowling.

… that you could really cry me a river and I’d just jump in a boat and row away from you.

… that being naturally funny is annoying  because most of the time I’m just minding my own business and people are over there laughing like I’m doing stand-up.

Why Is It ... But First ....

… that people need to remember that the TV is always on in my house because it’s my emotional support background noise.

… that the other day I told my boss I was going to the bathroom, burt didn’t say which one, and so I just went home.

… that when I tell people I’m in a good place right now, I don’t mean emotionally, I mean at a bar with good drink specials.

… that people named Debra will go by Deb but never Bruh.

… that while the best response is no response, but since I have a smart mouth you’re gonna hear from me.

… that I am a good person up until I see someone driving the speed limit in the left lane.

… that I just realized that I have reached that age where I am bothered by lights left on, open doors, loud noises … and people.

… that people need to know that once I unfriend you I will go to your profile and unlike my likes, unlove my loves, unwow my wows, and I will even unhaha my hahas.

… that some people need to know that I am in the the studio writing a diss track about them. Be afraid.

Why Is It ...

… that when someone asks, “Who got you smiling,” I always say, “The voices in my head just cracked a joke. Leave us alone.”

… that after this past year I wanna give myself a big hug because I’m still standing.

… that Family Dollar always seems to have just one cashier. Where’s the rest of the family?

… that winter doesn’t bother me; I also become cold and dark after 4PM.

… that one of the weirdest things about being an adult is having a favorite stove top burner; no one ever talks about it but y’all know it’s true and y’all have one.

… that it’s always, “How was work?” and never, “Quit and I’ll support you.”

… that I still miss that part of 2020 when it was illegal for anyone to come near me.

…that when I yell at birds in the street to move so they don’t get run over is kind of how I see the universe watching me live my life.

… that I know I would not waste away in Margaritaville; in fact, I would thrive!

Why Is It ...

… that before you slip into my DMs, you need to look between the ‘T’ and the ‘U’ on your keyboard.

… that while I finally quit drinking for good, I am still drinking for evil.

… that people need to know that if they see me looking zoned out, it’s because I’m having a therapy session inside my head.

… that I have never had a Welcome mat at my house? Because I’m not a liar.

… that people don’t realize that I am no longer interested in Driving at Night, Leaving My House at Night, Driving in Winter, Leaving My House in Winter. Driving, and Leaving the House.

… that I’d rather clean the whole house than do dishes.

… that I lie awake at night thinking what if I get kidnapped and I have a stuffy nose and they duct tape my mouth.

… that every day around midnight I am shocked to find out it’s only 5PM.

… that when yet another coworker asked if I could be more annoying, the next day I showed up wearing tap shoes.

… that I could be the bigger person, but being the reason HR makes a new policy is much more exciting.

Why Is It ...

… that when I was at the doctor’s recently the nurse asked me to step on the scale; I was told there’d be no fact checking.

… that at my age getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot.

… that people don’t realize that not only am I not a perfect person and I am also not trying to be a better person.

… that I may look normal,  but I talk to myself and then laugh afterwards.

…  that when I see people arguing online I automatically believe whomever is spelling correctly and using proper grammar.

… that the way I stay indoors makes me feel like I’m becoming furniture.

… that I don’t like when people ask what I did over the weekend. I don’t know! I breathed a lot. Probably got mad a bit. Sighed heavily. The list goes on.

… that while I have a really good heart and I also have a smart mouth and I’m a little bit mean.

… that nobody is busier than me when I am not interested in you …  “Let me close the fridge and I’ll call you back.”

… that when I tell Alexa to remind me to go to the gym, she says, ‘I have added gin to your shopping list’ and I think, ‘Close enough.’

Why Is It ...

… that, and this is no brag, I don’t need alcohol to send texts I’ll regret later.

…that the reason I look both ways before crossing a One-Way street is because I have so little faith in Humanity.

… that my flag is not red white and blue … it’s white … I give up. Leave me alone.

… that I am still stunned at how much I can get done around the house out of the fear of someone coming over.

… that I always take life with a grain of salt … a slice of lime and a shot of tequila.

… that no one believes I was born irritated. I mean, otherwise, there’s no way that people get on my nerves this much.

… that I feel like I’m in jail when I’m around unfunny people for more than two minutes.

… that  the three stages of growing up are Young and Dumb, Motivated and Hopeful, and Fuck Everyone and Everything.

… that I like my coffee like I like my men … sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away.

… that if you can’t look back at your younger self and realize you were an idiot,you’re probably still an idiot.

Why Is It ...

… that one of my greatest skills in working with clients is mastering The Fake Laugh™.

… that I cannot wait to retire so I can get up every day at 6AM and drive around really slowly to make everyone late for work. They say find a hobby and that’ll be mine.

… my morning coffee makes me feel like I have my shiz together; I don’t, but I feel like I do.

… that I really am a multipurpose friend because I’m down for brunch, a movie, aggravated assault, working out, whatever .,.. just let me know.

… that I like asking seven people for advice and then doing what I want anyway.

… that one of my toxic traits is finding out someone doesn’t like me and then trying to make it worse.

… that because I remember how we used to smack the top of the TV set to get a better picture, I have to fight the same urge to do that to people.

… that the first thing I notice when a person approaches me is their audacity.

… that I only drink water, coffee or alcohol? Who knows, but it explains why I am either hydrated, jittery or drunk.

… that I sometimes think sharks aren’t eating enough people.

Meme Dump