The Funny Papers

Benjamin Slyngstad, Gary Huck, Pedro X Molina, David Horsey, Ann Telnaes, Adam Zyglis, Matt Wuerker, Mike Luckovich, Dave Whamond, Michael de Adder, Tim Campbell, Clay Bennett, Nick Anderson, Bill Bramhall,

Bobservations

When Carlos was dealing with moving his Aunt Gloria back to the family home in Mexico City, the hardest call he had to make was to Gloria to tell her. Even at 95, she’s feisty and conniving, and told Carlos that if anyone tried to take her out of the house in Salvatierra she would call the police. Carlos replied:

“Good, they can help get you into the car.”

The good news is that she was neither feisty or conniving and did not call the police, but went nicely, and even bought dinner for the family members taking her home. We spoke with her Tuesday morning and she’s seemed happy and glad to be back with her sister-in-law and a great-nice.

Hopefully, she will thrive back at home.

Tuxedo just wants Travis Tritt to hear two words: Eric Clapton. He also opposed mandates until he realized he wouldn’t be making as much money by cancelling shows.

Take a seat Travis Karen. 

Did you ever wonder if arm wrestling wasn’t invented so men could hold hands and stare into one another’s eyes?

I have.

The GOP said Bill Clinton would make the country socialist during his eight years in office? The GOP said Obama would do the same during his eight years as president? The GOP said the same about Biden.

Anyone on the right care to explain why, after 16+ years America is not a socialist country despite all their fearmongering?

Oh yeah, lies.

Timothy Hale-Cusanelli, an Army reservist charged in the January 6 insurrection, has been demoted and discharged from the reserves.

One look at that face should have been clue enough.

Facebook is planning to change its company name next week to reflect its focus on building the metaverse.

I suggest LieBook …MisinformationBook … FuckMarkZuckerbergBook.

At a retreat for the National Republican Senatorial Committee last week, Thing 45 railed about the witch hunt and, even though no one  asked, made sure to tell the crowd he is not  into golden showers:

“It was all phony shit, ok. I’m not into golden showers. You know the great thing, our great First Lady — ‘That one,’ she said, ‘I don’t believe that one.’”

She doesn’t believe that one.

ESPN college football and basketball reporter Allison Williams is leaving the network over parent company Disney’s COVID-19 vaccine mandate.

Good. Bye.

Daniel Rodriguez, the Thing 45 loon who stormed the Capitol on January 6 and was arrested for electroshocking D.C. Metropolitan Police Officer Mike Fanone a month after he was identified spilled his guts to the FBI after his arrest, repeatedly crying as he told special agents he was a “fucking piece of shit.”

He got one thing right.

Assistant Health Secretary Dr. Rachel Levine, the first out trans Senate-confirmed official in US history, was sworn in as Four-Star Admiral in the US Public Health Service Commissioned Corps., becoming the first out trans four-star officer in US history.

This additional honorific makes her not only the highest ranking official in the US Public Health Service, but it also makes her the first woman to get four-stars in the service.

The march goes on …

In this week’s edition of Would You Hit It we have Alabama born Southern gentleman Clint Mauro, a tall drink of water.

So, the question is: Would You Hit It? Yes or No.

Tuesday Thought #3

Bobservations

Carlos has a serious issue with time, being late almost, almost, always. On the other hand, I was raised to almost, almost, always be early.

The other day, though, I got stuck at work chatting with co-workers and was late picking him up; he was annoyed. And we had a small spat about it, where I apologized—I should have called—but also reminded him that he has no sense of time and he is almost, almost, always late and has no issue with making people wait.

Cut to this morning; we had to leave early because Ozzo had a surgery and a dental cleaning planned and we had to have him at the vet’s office between seven and seven-thirty. We usually have breakfast at 7:30 so I suggested Carlos, who gets up first, have his breakfast first, and I’d eat after we dropped the dog off because I don’t need to go in as early.

I awoke at 6:45. We had fifteen minutes to leave, so I jumped out of bed and brushed my teeth, got dressed, threw on a ball cap and went out to the kitchen where Carlos … was preparing to make a couple of Café con Leches! I said:

“We have to go! We have to get Ozzo to the vet before 7:30.”

Carlos was stunned:

“Well, when can I have breakfast!”

“You’re right, call the vet and tell them we’ll be there at eight or so … after you have breakfast because they’ll wait on surgery for your breakfast!”

This is the same man who, when we lived in Miami, had a forty-five-minute commute to work each morning, and one morning, as we ate breakfast, he noticed he had just twenty minutes to get to work.

“Oh my god! I’m gonna be so late …”

I started to get up from the table.

“…so, I’ll have one more piece of toast.”

Seriously.

In Perhaps He Shouldn’t Speak news … Kanye West is back and under fire for Tweeting his support for Candace Owens, a pro-Trump, anti-Black Lives Matter conservative:

“I love the way Candace Owens thinks … only free thinkers.”

Kanye failed to notice that Owens is the conservative communications director for Turning Point USA, a nonprofit that spreads right-leaning values on college campuses and is thisclose to the _____ White House. Owens oversees the group’s “urban engagement” which means she attempts to dismantle arguments about white privilege put forward by black activists and the Democratic Party and defends the NRA because “they helped to train black Americans to use guns to defend themselves against the Ku Klux Klan, a Democrat terrorist group.”

Again, Kanye, take a seat and let the grownups talk.

When Sean Hannity was named in court this week as a client of _____’s fixer Michael Cohen, he insisted their discussions were limited to the subject of buying property:

“I’ve said many times on my radio show: I hate the stock market, I prefer real estate. Michael knows real estate.”

Apparently so; Hannity’s chosen investment strategy is confirmed by thousands of pages of public records detailing a real estate portfolio of remarkable scale. The records link Hannity to a group of shell companies that spent at least $90 million on more than 870 homes in seven states over the past decade. Hannity is the hidden owner behind some of the shell companies and his attorney did not dispute that he owns all of them. But, for some of the mortgages, Hannity obtained funding from HUD, Secretary Ben Carson’s department.

Hannity did not disclose his cooperation with HUD when he had Carson on his show last June, but, during that segment, he railed against the state of public housing.

Naturally, Hannity, Carson and Fox aren’t talking because … criminals.

I’ve shared this story before but, years ago Carlos and I went to Disneyworld in Orlando. After a fabulous day we stayed for the fireworks and then began walking toward the exit; we held hands as we walked and noticed a lesbian couple walking ahead of us also holding hands.

A voice behind us shouted, “What is this? Gay Days?”

And one of the lesbian shouted back, “For us, every day is gay day.”

And now, all these years later, Disney is going even more gay by paying homage to the LGBTQ community with a red cap featuring rainbow-colored ears and a pair of Mickey Mouse hands forming a rainbow heart on the front.

Every day is gay day at Disney!

In This Is High-Larious news, remember when _____ used to boast about his appointment of Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch as one of his big accomplishments?

Now, maybe not so much. It seems Gorsuch recently sided with left-leaning Justices Ginsburg, Kagan, Sotomayor, and Breyer in a case dealing with an immigrant who was facing deportation.

And now _____ is said to be fuming.

Liberal and pro-immigrant? I call it well-deserved bad karma for _____, Mitch McTurtle and the entire GOP for stealing that SCOTUS seat. They should've done the right thing and put Merrick Garland on the bench.

Oops. After 11 hours of political pushing and shoving at the Utah Republican Convention delegates forced Mittsy Romney into a primary election against state Representative Mike Kennedy for that U.S. Senate race.

Kennedy finished in first place, with 51% of the vote to Romney’s 49% percent, but neither reached the magic 60% number the get the nod.

Still, it’ll be nice to see Mittsy, who used to blast _____ but now kisses his fat ass, have to actually work for this.

Hopefully the people of Utah will just say ‘No.’

More Oops? As the Pee Tape saga continues to unfold, _____ claims he told James Comey that, well, he didn’t need to hire hookers—when he hires porn stars—and that he was only in Russia for one day when the ALLEGED golden showers took place.

But, it turns out that was another _____ lie as flight records prove he was in Moscow during the “Rainy” season for 45 hours … clearly overnight. Plus, _____’s own bodyguard had contradicted the story.

Now, I’m not saying he was peed on in Russia, but he’s clearly lying about a lot of that trip so… maybe?

As I said to _____ on Twitter:

“Urine trouble!”

I’m’a just say this … I don’t like Beyoncé. I don’t find her talented, unless talent these days is a wig machine, a weave, and an ass shaking.

There. Sue me.

Don Blankenship, a Republican running for the U.S. Senate in West Virginia suggested that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell faced conflicts of interests because his wife, Elaine Chao’s, father is a “wealthy Chinaperson.”

Blankenship is running for the Senate as a proud West Virginian with Appalachian roots, but his primary residence is a $2.4 million villa with palm trees and an infinity pool near Las Vegas.

Yup, he’s clearly a Republican who says one thing while living the other.

Oh, and even better, Blankenship is married to a Chinese immigrant, but maybe her father isn’t a rich “Chinaperson.”

Okay, so now Amazon has announced that they can deliver your packages to your car, rather than your home because they will be able to access the trunk of your car, open it, and put your packages inside; in addition, if the trunk is full, they will also be able to unlock your car and put your order inside the vehicle.

We just learned about our privacy being invaded, and personal information stolen, corrupted on Facebook and now people are going to let Amazon be able to open your car and leave something inside for you.

I cannot wait for the first Amazon customer to sue the company because their car was stolen by someone who hacked into Amazon’s system.

Dear Starbucks,

‘After you get done closing all your stores and giving your employees a racial-bias education, could you close America and offer it to the entire country.

Asking for a country.

Did you see the photo of _____ and French President Emmanuel Macron at the White House when _____ wiped the “dandruff” off Macron’s shoulder and then said:

"They're all saying what a great relationship we have, and they're actually correct. We do have a very special relationship. In fact, I'll get that little piece of dandruff off–we have to make him perfect. He is perfect."

I kinda hoped Macron would have reached out to _____’s shoulder, tried to wipe it off, and the said:

‘Huh. Ignorant, unqualified, racist, rapist, blowhard doesn’t come off as easy.”

That would’a been fun.

In Hot Men News … a new show on BBC America, Killing Eve, features a couple of rugged looking older men who may, or may not, tickle my, um, ivories … Edward Akrout and Owen McDonnell.

On the other end of the age spectrum, we have Garrett Hodges, a high school football player and singer who, until this week, was a contestant on American idol. I love a jock with perfectly manicured brows.

Just sayin’.