Bobservations

The other night Carlos nodded off in the evening and began snoring … like a chain saw … so loud that Rosita jumped from his lap and went to the back of the house … so rough that his head was vibrating like the couch came with an electric massage option … and when I said:

“Sweetie pie, go to bed. You’re snoring.”

And he said:

“I wasn’t asleep.”

Seriously.

This Tuxedo Says is from October 2020 … If you were looking for a good reason to vote, Tuxedo says you should think of it like this:

I have recently learned that crows can hold a grudge against a person for over 17 years and I have officially found my spirit animal.

Oh, and this is my bird call … and, yes, that’s the little dance I do.

The other day at The Adventures of Travel Penguin and he was discussing foods from his recent trip across the pond, specifically Haggis. I replied that I might try Haggis and then call it done, but it got me to thinking about trying new things so I asked people at work and they were less than enthused. Not one would try Haggis, or Sushi, or Offal, or Raw Oysters, and I berated them … politely … saying you should try something at least one before saying never, and a co-worker asked me:

“So, then you've had had sex with a woman?”

“Nope. There are times when you just know.”

I mean, as I like to say, the last time I was near a vagina I was being born, but that’s just me.

Apparently there’s a new word cruising the halls of DC and one reporter dared to use the word at The Felon’s press conference when she asked him about TACO … Trump Always Chickens Out. You know, because the tariffs are on, the tariffs are off; the tariffs are 150%, the tariffs are 50% ...

And the bloated gasbag had a fit and gargled and bubbled and stumbled over his word … singular … but did manage to confuse tariff with tax.

TACO.

Of note, Harvard has never been shut down for fraud, but The Felon’s eponymous university? Yeah, not so much.

First Lady and nude model, Melanie, is using AI to record the audio version of the book she wrote plagiarized:

“I am honored to bring you Melania—The  AI Audiobook—narrated entirely using artificial intelligence in my own voice.”

When I think of Melanie I do think “artificial” but I never think “intelligence.”

I love me some Kelly Clarkson because the girl can saaaaang … and can sing almost any genre. Still I was stunned when she trotted out this macabre and dark take on ‘If I Only Had a Brain’ from The Wizard of Oz.

Brilliant.

Ryan Ball is a model … that’s all I can find … but he looks good in clothes and out of clothes so, Would You Hit It?

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t get it that I don’t waste time Googling song lyrics; I sing what I hear ... ♪♫ Dancing queen, young and sweet only seven teeth.♫♪

… that my mood has so many swings it’s a park now.

… that they ask you to be at the airport three hours before your flight but they won’t tell you what gate to go to until the very last minute.

… that, at this point, if a clown invited me into the woods alone, I would just go.

… that my social skills include: 1] laughing when I shouldn’t laugh; 2] telling jokes in awkward situations; and C] saying ‘You too’ when the waiter tells me to enjoy my dinner.

… that you need to know that before you judge me, I don’t care.

… that when someone tells me I look familiar, I say, “I don’t even go outside, why are you lying?”

… that I need an app that deletes my number from other people’s phones.

… that no one understands that if you think I’m mean now, wait until I don’t like you.

… that controlling my facial expressions has to be the toughest battle I fight every day.

Why Is It ...

… that the people who demand you say, ‘Merry Christmas,’ instead of ‘Happy Holidays’ the same people who worship the guy whose Christmas wish was ‘Rot in hell’?

… that a lot of attractive people suddenly become unappealing when you find out how they think?

… that whenever a Southerner tells me that it’s not ‘soda,’ it’s ‘pop,’ I always feel the need to ask them how many times they go to a bar and order ‘vodka and pop’?

… that sometimes when I can’t explain what I’m feeling I can find a song that can?

… that sometimes I’ll say ‘I don’t care’ about a proposition and then talk to myself about it for three days?

… that I wish people would be more grateful that I am not as disrespectful as I can be?

… that pickles are fantastic until you’re in one?

… that when someone tells me I’m cute, I think, ‘I’m feral and chaotic, so don’t touch me’?

… that I still don’t know what I’m wearing to the living room for New Year’s Eve so I might not even go?

Bobservations

In addition to vision problems—Retinitis Pigmentosa—Carlos also has hearing  issues—Usher’s Syndrome; it turns out that people with Usher’s develop RP, so it’s kind of a two-fer.

Earlier this year Carlos has his ears tested again and was fitted with hearing aids; they aren’t your mama’s hearing aids, these things are tiny and hardly noticeable. And they work well, too, so I no longer have those moments where, after I say something to him, he replies, “What?”

But … he doesn’t always put them in first thing in the morning. This week, I sauntered into the kitchen—I do love a good saunter—and began speaking to him; finished my sentence and I heard …

“What?”

“Are your ears in?”

“What?”

My eagle eyes spotted the blender left out on the counter overnight and I grabbed it, unscrewed the bottom, held it to my mouth and said:

“ARE YOUR EARS IN?”

“Very funny.”

And it was; never a dull moment.

Tuxedo is growing tired of these All Lives Matter idiots and tries to explain why … again.

Blake Neff, lead writer for FOX News’ The Tucker Carlson show, resigned after it was discovered he had been running a years-long thread on an internet forum that was filled with racist, sexist language.

Who’s surprised by this? I mean, he worked for Tucker Carlson.

Sidenote: right after the story broke, Fucker—not a misspelling—Carlson announced he was taking a vacation … immediately. This is not the first time Fucker has taken leave on the heels of a scandal; last August, he took a vacation right after he likened white supremacy to a “hoax” that was “actually not a real problem in America.”

I wonder where a racist goes on vacation … Klan meeting?

I’ve mentioned before on this bloggy thing that I wake up every day with a song playing in my head. And it’s rarely a song I’ve recently heard, but something from the deep recesses of my musical catalog.

But this week I realized something else … when I mow the lawn—and we have one of those riding mowers so it’s comfy—I also have a song playing in my head and I find myself singing it as I mow. The scary part is that I realized it’s always the same song: ‘Waltzing Matilda,’ an Australian ‘bush’ ballad and that country’s unofficial national anthem.

If I saw a therapist this might be on my list of things to discuss.

I smell desperation … It seems _____’s 2020 reelection campaign is coming under fire over its fundraising emails—claiming to be from _____ himself or one of his children—which some supporters say are trying to shame them for not donating enough money, and trying to guilt them into giving more:

“I hate to be the one to tell you, but according to our records, your Trump 100 Club offer has been RESCINDED. You’ve received multiple emails from Team Trump, including my father, inviting you to join this BRAND NEW, prestigious club, and you’ve ignored every single one of them.”

Maybe they choose to ignore him because they’re waking up to the fact that he’s an inept, murderous traitor?

Another Carlos tale … we’ve dealt with eyesight issues for many years now, but I always learn something new.

The other day, at the grocery store, Carlos said he wanted to buy a couple of potatoes, I pointed out, verbally, where the potatoes were and he started off in the wrong direction, so I tried the Español and said the potatoes were “alla.” Carlos again went in the wrong direction and I said, “Not ahi, but alla.”

In Spanish ‘ahi’ means ‘over there, close by,’ while ‘alla’ means ‘over there, far away. So, I am ahi-ing and alla-ing all over the produce section and Carlos says:

“Tell me where things are by using a clock face. Like, the potatoes are at 9 o’clock.”

Oprah Light Bulb Moment™.and I began saying loudly:

“Las papas están por allá. Son las ocho. Las papas están por allá. Son las ocho.”

And, oy, the looks I got from the people of Camden.

But I learned something new. And Carlos got his potatoes.

Who had 'nine days' in the Kanye for President Pool because you’re a winner baby.

After a little more than a week, and after his family worried that he was off his meds and in the midst of another bipolar episode, Kanye West has announced he will not be running for president.

Whoosh. Dodged that bullet.

And then we have Brian Loud, a blue-eyed, blond haired, six-foot tall drink of water. He gives me Bradley Cooper vibes and that’s never wrong.

I don't usually go for the blond blue-eyed mens, but even I can make an exception every once in a while.

Just sayin’.

Random Musings

Up in Vermont, Bo Muller-Moore picked a fight with anti-gay fast-food chain Chick-fil-A over the use of the phrase "eat more kale" … similar to their trademarked "eat mor chikin" … and this week he won his legal battle after the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office granted his application to trademark his phrase.

"I've called Chick-fil-A's bluff on their cease-and-desist demands. I am not ceasing and desisting. I am thriving, thanks to people like you and thanks to Vermont and people from beyond." — Bo Muller-Moore

Muller-Moore started using the phrase in 2001 after a farmer who grows kale — known for its nutritional value — asked him to make three T-shirts for his family; the phrase caught on and, with the approval of the farmer, Muller-Moore began marketing it.

In 2011, Muller-Moore sought to trademark the phrase and shortly thereafter Chick-fil-A sent him a cease-and-desist letter telling him to stop using the phrase because the company felt it could be confused with "eat mor chikin."

But Muller-Moore refused, and used social media — and even this blog HERE — to win the support of state officials, including the Governor and pro-bono lawyers who handled his case. Governor Shumlin called Muller-Moore a shining example of Vermont's independence and entrepreneurial spirit.

Now, Chick-fil-A is kinda eating Crow, while Muller-Moore is having a special drink …

"Chick-fil-A did me a bit of a favor: They handed me lemons, and I made lemonade.” — Bo Muller-Moore

Snap.

When Carlos comes home from work, he often stirs our little Pocket Dog, Ozzo, into a frenzy, with the dog tearing through the house like Lindsay Lohan looking to score.

But the other day, as Carlos was revving him up and up and up, I suddenly heard a thump and Carlos say, “Ozzo! Are you okay? Ozzo?”

The.Dog.Had.Run.Into.The.Wall.

Proud Papa I am.

I know there’s an ALLEGED threat of terrorism, but, well, this still makes me smile.

In light of the decision by the majority of movie houses to pull the new James Franco/Seth Rogan film, The Interview, from their theaters before it even opened, Sony Pictures have scrapped the release of the film … for now, and released a statement which says, in part:

“Sony Pictures has been the victim of an unprecedented criminal assault against our employees, our customers, and our business. Those who attacked us stole our intellectual property, private emails, and sensitive and proprietary material, and sought to destroy our spirit and our morale – all apparently to thwart the release of a movie they did not like.”

Yeah, it’s ridiculous, but let me pose this question: how would we feel if some film company in North Korea — or anywhere for that matter — released a film about two North Koreans coming to the US to assassinate our president? Sure, maybe we wouldn’t hack anyone’s emails, but the movie is offensive and ridiculous and stupid.

Plus, Franco’s in it and the less I see or hear of him, the better.

Other things making me smile this week?

Glad you asked. Out there to Alexandria, Indiana, the First United Methodist Church will close its doors at the end of this year. So, why am I smiling?

Glad you asked. This is the same church that earlier this year fired their musical director, Adam Fray, because he’s a homosexual. Then Dr. David Steele was fired from his leadership position in the church for asking that Fray be rehired. Those two things caused a mass walkout by many in the congregation, which caused the church to lose members and money and have to shut it down.

That’s why I’m smiling. Another example of the so-called Good Christians lashing out against someone for being gay and The Gays get the last laugh.

Karl Rove and Dick Cheney, Two Hounds of Hell from the W Regime, have come out and said that, even in light of the recent CIA torture report, they still support the use of, ahem, “enhanced interrogation methods.”

Good, let’s arrest them both for War crimes and use those same methods on them.

I’ve still been perusing Bravo’s new “scripted” show, The Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce, though it isn’t for the girlfriend’s or the divorce. I do like Janeane Garofalo as a bitter divorcee, but it’s the man candy that peaks my, er, interest.

Like Charles Mesure, who plays on of the ex-husbands and has a body and Australian accent to die for.

Then there’ Paul Adelstein, not classically handsome but there’s something about him that also, well, you know.

Just sayin’.

Barbara Walters aired her "Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2014” last week and the most fascinating person of the year? Amal Alamuddin Clooney. Oh, she isn’t fascinating because she’s a high-powered attorney, not at all. Babs — who apparently thinks this was the Most Fascinating List for 1944, said it like this:

"This is Amal Alamuddin, George Clooney's beautiful bride. You could say hers was the wedding of the year. It was really one of the greatest achievements in human history."

The.Greatest.Achievement.In.Human.History? Way to set back the women’s movement a hundred years or more Babs, because no one but you thinks marrying a confirmed bachelor actor is the greatest human achievement in history.

Shouldn’t you be relaxing in a  crypt somewhere?

Camille Cosby has finally broken her silence over the twenty or so — of which we know — women who allege that they were sexually abused and drugged by her husband Bill Cosby, and she went all Tammy “Stand By Your Man” Wynette on the media. She says that the situation is similar to the Rolling Stone report of rapes at UVA that has since been called into question because the woman, the lone woman, at the center of that story may have lied.

Um, Camille, because one woman in Virginia may have lied to Rolling Stone about being raped, that doesn’t compare at all to the dozens and dozens of women who’ve come forward telling the same story about your husband.

You need to sit down and have a good think, and then … stay seated.

When Carlos cooks I inevitably walk into the kitchen and will say, “What stinks?”

And he’ll say,. “The crap I’m serving for dinner.”

Well, being the Christmas season, and being that Carlos loves cranberries and marmalade, he was in the kitchen the other day making some, you guessed it, Cranberry Marmalade. Only, we didn’t have any oranges to give it that citrus boost so he was going to add apples.

“Cranberries and Apples,” I said.”Sounds like Crapple.”

See what I did there? Cranberries? Apples? He cooks crap?

Yeah, he already made me stop.

Jeb Bush has kina come out to say he’s going to run for president so he can also ruin, and that isn’t a typo like I meant to say run, I meant, ruin this country like his dim-bulb, lying war criminal brother, and his one-term, read my lips  no new taxes daddy.

He said, on Facebook, because he’s a teenage girl:

"I am excited to announce I will actively explore the possibility of running for President of the United States."

He’s announcing that he’s really really really gonna think about it.

Siddown Jeb. Just Siddown.

More Carlos?

Okay … earlier this week my father sent us a little gift from a garden center: Bird Seed Pears. They looks like pears, but are made of birdseed and you hang them about your yard to feed your visiting feathered friends.

Well, Carlos was leaving for work one day and he asked if I minded if he gave one to Nina, the receptionist at work. I didn’t, but then I wondered something … Carlos and Nina chat all the time; they take lunches together; they share recipes and give one another gifts — she recently gave him us a bird feeder.

Now I realize what’s happening ... Nina is Carlos “Work Wife.”

And as soon as I told him that I knew, well let’s just say he looked like he wanted to run into a wall like Ozzo.

The Song-In-My-Head this week is, at last, a long time favorite: Shawn Colvin, "Killing The Blues."

Random Musings ... A Day Late

A day late because yesterday was a day for just Carlos and me … and the kids.

Nice holiday, gorgeous, but cold, weather, and a delicious meal, our first Thanksgiving as Husband-and-Husband.

Carlos made his Martha Stewart Turkey and Homemade Cranberry Sauce with a Pumpkin Cheesecake for dessert; I did wine — cuz I loves me some wine — Roasted Brussel Sprouts with Garlic, Red Onion and Pancetta, Sour Cream Mashed Potatoes, and Vanilla Whipped Cream for the cheesecake.

It was a lovely, happy day.So, what else has been on my mind …

Just thought I start off musing about our kids, clockwise from top left:

Tuxedo, the most gorgeous, and smartest, cat ever, followed by Miss Consuelo Roca-Jones, quite the diva — she makes me pale by comparison; followed by MaxGoldberg, of the Boca Raton Goldbergs, a retired Jewish accountant from the Sunshine state; then the lone canine, Ozzo, looking like he’s begging for a doggie brother or sister.

Nothing says Christmas like hate, at least in Uganda.

Abdu Latif Ssebagala, a Ugandan lawmaker who helped draft the country's revised anti-gay law is hoping to have the bill passed this year as a "Christmas gift" for Ugandans:

"The draft is ready and we have strengthened the law, especially in areas of promotion and luring children. Next week we expect to meet the speaker to fix a date for the re-tabling to parliament."

In Uganda, nothing says Happy Holidays like Kill The Gays.

I’m hooked on Jesse J. She has kind of a Jolie-thing going on and she can Bang Bang.

Plus her boyfriend, Luke James, is kinda hot.

Just sayin’.

Last week we talked Carlos’ hair. He was trying to grow it and every day it took on a new persona; yes, he went from Bieber to Jackson to Bob’s Big Boy in the space of a day and a half.

Then I came home one day to find that he’d gotten a haircut, and, well, this is what that looked like … without the tiny mustache, of course:

With a little manipulation, and some product of course, because we’re gay, not animals, it looked like this:

Much better … plus I have the hots for Ralph Fiennes, even as a Nazi, but I was afraid to leave the house whilst Carlos looked like Adolf.

I loved hearing the news reports that Brad and Angie had a big blowout ... some reports called it "explosive" ... in Australia, with pictures of the two of them on a balcony.

Yeah, that's a blowout all right. Maybe they should stop by my house and I'll show them what an explosive blowout looks like.

Plus, do they really think that we think Brad and Angie are so perfect that they have never fought? Grow up.

Look at that!

Mississippi and Arkansas welcomed Marriage Equality this week, meaning that I can travel to the state where I was born — I am a Mississippi boy — and get same-sex married.

Who knew?

Darren Wilson says he is sorry for the shooting Michael Brown to death, but he has a "clean conscience" about what happened and would not do anything differently today.

Hmmm, not a thing differently? You wouldn’t even try to something different so that unarmed man wouldn’t die?

Nice, Darren. You need to go away now, far away.

You know, while watching the news one day I came across White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

Hot.

And here’s the song that’s running through the loop in my head this week. Opera singer Dame Kiri Te Kanawa and “The Heart Is Slow To Learn.”

It almost makes me weep … almost.