It's Snarkurday!

By now you’ve all heard Johnny Depp and his sexually fluid wife, and dog smuggler, Amber Heard have called it quits after fifteen not-so-blissful months of marriage. But the story is never that simple and while we don’t know what actually happened between them, we do have snippets of stories from both sides of the split …

Was it because of Johnny’s special brand of crazy? His obvious, though ALLEGED, drink and drug abuse? The fact that he seldom seemed like he bathed? Who knows … maybe it’s because, as Amber now says, he was abusive. But then we have Johnny … and his team’s side of the story:

“Given the brevity of this marriage and the most recent and tragic loss of his mother, Johnny will not respond to any of the salacious false stories, gossip, misinformation and lies about his personal life. Hopefully the dissolution of this short marriage will be resolved quickly.”

Doubtful it’ll be resolved as quickly as the marriage fizzled because it just gets uglier.

Heard originally filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences, but that charge quickly changed to accusing Depp of Naomi Campbell-ing her with an iPhone; Amber then went for a restraining order against Johnny claiming the assault was “not an isolated incident” and submitted a photo that shows her with a bruise on her right eye. So, the restraining order was granted, though her request for attorney’s fees and spousal support was denied, as was her request that the restraining order be extended to one of their dogs … yes, to a dog.

Team Depp says LAPD sources told them that Amber “had no evidence of any injuries when [they] came to her home” and that Amber did not tell police Johnny hit her with his iPhone; she’d only called about a verbal argument. Team Depp says “Amber is lying … making up the domestic violence story” and they point to an Instagram photo taken the day after the ALLEGED iPhone Incident, of Amber partying happily with friends.

Still, along with the release of the restraining order came stories of two other ALLEGED incidents of abuse, each a month apart: the first, on April 21, when Depp showed up to a party at their home “inebriated and high” and began an argument that ended when he hurled a magnum bottle of champagne at the wall.

Then, on May 21, Heard says she was chatting with two friends when Depp came home and as the friends spoke about the recent passing of Depp’s mother, Johnny became “extremely angry.” In attempt to defuse the situation, Heard called a friend of Depp’s but he “ripped the cell phone from my hand and began screaming profanities and insults at [the friend]. I heard [the friend] yell at me to get out of the house. Johnny then grabbed the cellphone, wound up his arm like a baseball pitcher and threw the cellphone at me striking my cheek and eye with great force.” When a neighbor entered the apartment, Depp left, “smashing everything he could” with a wine bottle. The neighbor submitted a declaration stating that “many times over the past few years [though Heard and Depp were together barely more than one year] Amber has confided and complained to me about Johnny’s abusing her, both physically and verbally.”

And there were witnesses to this last attack; the friends, Raquel Pennington, her fiancé, Joshua, and Elizabeth Marz, saw the ALLEGED assault, as did Johnny’s security team, who came in halfway through the altercation but did nothing to stop him.

But, and this is where it gets kinda fishy in the ‘I Want A Payday’ kind of way: Amber tried to settle out of court through the lawyer who stated that “although Amber had been attacked and remained in fear for her safety, given the notoriety of both parties and the high likelihood of press harassment, Amber would prefer to settle the matter amicably out of court.” But Johnny told the court that “Amber is attempting to secure a premature financial resolution by alleging abuse. Her current application for a temporary restraining order, along with her financial requests, appear to be in response to the negative media attention she received earlier this week after filing for divorce.”

And, in fact, Amber’s statement reads “Although Johnny is extremely wealthy, he refuses to provide me with any direct financial support. Concurrent with this filing I am providing an Income and Expense Declaration. I am requesting $50,000 a month… spousal support based on our mutual lifestyle.”

So, maybe it is about the money? And yet Johnny makes it clear he does not want to pay. 

“[As] a successful actress with significant income of her own, there is no question that Amber can support herself until the parties have had a reasonable amount of time to assess their finances with the assistance of counsel and then negotiate a mutually agreeable resolution or seek regularly-noticed court orders.”

Team Depp also claims Amber is a party girl who repeatedly got “too close” to her female friends — Amber has called herself bisexual in the past — and Depp claims she was cheating on his with Cara Delevingne, who worked with Amber  in 2014. Depp claims they partied together and flaunted their relationship in front of him.

As for now, it appears that maybe money was the motive behind all this public squabbling because rumor has it that Amber is close to settling for about $20 million dollars — about $1.3 million for each month she and Depp were hitched.’

But maybe she won’t sign, because the couple did not have a prenup, so Heard benefits from California law, which guarantees her a minimum of one half of however much their combined worth increased during their 15 months together and Johnny pocketed well over 100 million during the run of their relationship.

So, maybe $20 million is a good payoff?

It appears that Jennifer Garner still wants Ben Affleck’s heart, but it also appears that Ben Affleck’s dick might not be ready to come home.

A Miami Uber driver claims he picked up Ben Affleck and a young blonde woman on Sunday and he was taking them The Standard hotel to the Miami International Airport. Now, one would think Ben Affleck + Blond + Miami = Happy Ben but, according to the Uber driver, Ben was “surly” and it was obvious the two had been arguing.

So, was it Ben? Well, a source at The Standard Hotel confirms Affleck was there, but that he was using an alias and his visit was “very on the down low.”

With a Blond? In an Uber?

Scarcely a month after being released early from jail for good behavior, Saved By The Bell’s Screech, AKA Dustin Diamond, is behind bars again. 

Wha’ happened … you say? Well, it appears Diamond was arrested in Wisconsin after violating the terms of his parole. An official wouldn’t say how he violated the terms, but he did confirm that Screech was back in custody.

Screech was originally put away for pulling a switchblade on a guy in a bar and stabbing him, so maybe he was busted standing in front of a bar with a switchblade? Or maybe he was busted because he’s still trying to capitalize on being Screech from Saved By The Bell?

I do love snark, but I especially love the ‘this is so stupid that it fails to measure up to snark but I’ll read it anyway’ kind of snark.

The Enquirer is claiming that Julia Roberts and George Clooney — who are appearing in Money Monster  as we speak — are having an affair and that George’s wife Amal is none too pleased. And The Enquirer has a picture of what they are calling “the kiss that destroyed both their marriages” on the cover … except the picture is a photo still of George and Julia from Ocean’s Eleven.

But hey, if the rumor and that old picture sell a few extra tickets to Money Monster — and I hear it needs the coins — then George and Julia will endure the stupid snark.

Steve Harvey tries to play himself as the funny everyman on TV, between his chat show and his game-show and his cringe-inducing turn as host of the Miss Universe pageant.

But Steve is cold and calculating. Ask his ex-wife, Mary Harvey, who recorded a series of YouTube videos back in 2011 detailing the fact that Harvey cheated on her and then scammed her in their divorce, taking custody of their then eight-year-old son and evicting her from the home where they lived. In fact, Steve convinced Mary to use his lawyer in the divorce, and so he only had to fork over a few coins, rather than half his coins even though Mary was the person who was with Steve when he was homeless, living out of his car going to comedy gigs. She supported him during that time and made his career possible.

And now Steve is all over People Magazine claiming he has “no fairy godmother or anonymous benefactor, just integrity, ingenuity and success” I kinda beg to differ.

Oh, and in addition to Steve rewriting history and completely leaving Mary out of the story about how he managed to have a career at all, People writes glowingly of Steve’s current, and third, wife, Marjorie, while completely omitting the fact that Steve was married to Mary when he began dipping his Harvey into Marjorie.

Once a pig …

Last week I posted about Steve Stanulis, the ex-bodyguard for Kanye West who spilled the tea about Kanye’s childish ways and diva like tantrums and now Kanye is extracting revenge.

Well, now Kim and Kanye Kardastrophe are threatening a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Stanulis for opening his yap after having had the glory and pleasure of babysitting Kanye and changing his diapers when need be.

Kanye is publicly calling Stanulis a “parasitic maniac” — maniac? Pot.Kettle … yada yada yada — and a spokesman for Kim and Kanye — and you know it’s That Woman—says:

“The West Family will no longer tolerate the spreading and selling of fake stories in an desperate, transparent and shameless attempt for publicity at their expense. This sad, parasitic maniac has violated every basic human tent [sic] of decency with his story of lies. As such, the Wests will explore all legal means at their disposal to silence this nonsense.”

Funny, because I would hope Kanye would have to proof he isn’t a tantrum-prone child and so I can just imagine a judge demanding West give a demonstration on how to press an elevator button.

Cue epic courtroom meltdown.

Karma is a bitch, and sometimes, well, all the time, she gets the last laugh.

Robin Wright, of house of Cards, was once married to Sean Penn and apparently there is no love lost between the two since their divorce.

And that might have something to do with the fact that Robin had been trying to develop a film called The Last Face for years as sort of a passion project. She’s hoped to cast herself and Ryan Gosling and Javier Bardem in the film but she couldn’t secure the financing for it, so she shelved the project.

Then, after Sean and Robin split up in 2010, Penn went ahead and obtained the rights to The Last Face and even cast Javier Bardem in it and last month it premiered at Cannes … to horrid reviews.

And Robin Wright is loving all the bad reviews, according to a source:

“Robin is thrilled the movie bombed. She has too much class to say so publicly, but this was her baby.”

Like I said, karma is a bitch, or sometimes it’s just your ex-wife who’s happy you screwed yourself after stealing her script.

PS Robin just secured herself a huge raise for appearing in House of Cards so, yeah, there’s that, too.

John Carney, the director of Once, is out there pushing his new movie Sing Street and has decided that the best way to promote this new film is to bash an actress who worked with him in one of his old films.

Huh? Carney is spilling the beans about how much he hated working with Keira Knightley on Begin Again and says he will never cast a “supermodel” like her again.

Begin Again starred Knightley as a singer-songwriter who gets discovered by a once-successful record executive played by Mark Ruffalo. Adam Levine is also in it … playing Adam Levine, i.e. smug, smarmy overly tattooed singer. Every so often I see it listed on the DVR and it sounds interesting until I see the name Adam Levine, as an actor, he’s a better singer and he’s a horrible singer.

Anyway, back to John Carney who thinks that it was Knightley who ruined his film and he is taking this latest round of press as an opportunity to tell you so:

“Well, [Sing Street is] fantastic. I’m very surprised; it’s a small personal movie with no Keira Knightleys in it. It’s really rewarding.”

Ow. But John brings up Keira again in the interview by calling her a “supermodel movie star” who arrived with baggage and a huge entourage and the paparazzi:

“I like working with actors and I wanted to come back to what I knew and enjoy film-making again — not that I didn’t enjoy Begin Again but Keira has an entourage that follow her everywhere so it’s very hard to get any real work done … I think the real problem was that Keira wasn’t a singer and wasn’t a guitar player and it’s very hard to make music seem real if it’s not with musicians. And I think the audience struggled a little bit with that in Begin Again. And as much as I tried to make it work I think that she didn’t quite come out as a guitar-playing singer-songwriter. So I really wanted to work with musicians and actors that could play their instruments properly and sing and stuff like that.”

Keira couldn’t sing and play guitar, but I’m sure Carney knew that before she was hired and yet he cast her anyway. So who’s the real idiot here? It’s Carney because after ridiculing her for not being a singer and for being a supermodel actress he says:

“I don’t want to rubbish Keira, but you know it’s hard being a film actor and it requires a certain level of honesty and self-analysis that I don’t think she’s ready for yet and I certainly don’t think she was ready for on that film.”

But he thinks Adam Levine is a good actor? Like I said, who’s the real idiot here?

It's Snarkurday!

If Ryan Murphy needs a storyline for season two of Feud — after season one’s epic Davis v Crawford howl-a-palooza — he need look no further than the feud brewing between Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber [ALW] and Nicole Sherzinger.

And I get first dibs on casting: Arianna Grande will play Sherzinger and Lloyd Webber will be portrayed by Grumpy Cat. Cat? Get it …

When ALW’s Cats revival opened in London in 2014 Sherzinger was cast as the glamour cat Grizabella and, at that time, ALW was over the moon about her performance, saying Nicole’s version of “Memory” was the greatest recording of his music ever … besting that of original Grizabella, Betty Buckley, that of Barbra Streisand, and that of the ex-missus ALW, Sarah Brightman.

It was then announced that Sherzinger would bring her Grizabella to Broadway but, quicker than you can say ‘Fire Patti LuPone and get me Glenn Close,’ Sherzinger was no longer part of the NYC reboot; a rep for the show said the casting for Grizabella would be announced later. But then ALW threw some kitty litter at Nicole: 

“A week before we were due to go into rehearsal for Cats on Broadway … she calls me and says she’s decided she wants to do X Factor, having agreed to everything. I mean, she’s crazy. But the American producers just took a view, ‘Well, fine, we’ll get somebody else’, because she’s actually not very well known in America, amazingly. … I’m furious because … I went out on a limb to get her … and it makes me look like an absolute twat … But never mind, there’ll be another girl on Broadway and Nicole will not get her Tony award.”

I was kinda hoping Sherzinger would sharpen her claws and dig into some pasty ALW flesh, but instead she said her contract to do Broadway was never finalized and they just couldn’t make it work and she hopes to work with Andrew again and  Blibetty Blah Blay Blue where’s my catfight!?!

I mean all I got out of this was ALW calling himself a twat and that is just not enough!

I’m no Beyoncé fan because Beyoncé is all about making coins no matter what. I mean, when the stories started about her husband being a massive cheater she stayed quiet until she found a way — Lemonade — to make some dollars off the story.

And now this … the British tabloid The Sun has revealed that the workers manufacturing Beyoncé’s new athletic line Ivy Park work up to 60 hours a week and earn $6.17 per day.

Uh huh; while Beyoncé pockets millions. The Sun reports that Ivy Park, Beyoncé’s collaboration with Top Shop is being produced in inhumane conditions at the MAS Holdings factory in Sri Lanka. And Beyoncé says the line was created to inspire and support women … as long as it’s just six bucks a day worth of support.

The brand — AKA Beyoncé — has responded to ALLEGATIONS saying:

“Ivy Park has a rigorous ethical trading program. We are proud of our sustained efforts in terms of factory inspections and audits, and our teams worldwide work very closely with our suppliers and their factories to ensure compliance.”

As for the low wages, the MAS factory — which also produces apparel for Speedo, Nike, Lululemon, and Patagonia — pays workers more than double the Sri Lankan minimum wage but at six bucks a day most of the women making Beyoncé’s fashion cannot afford to buy any.

But hey, Bey’s making coins so, yeah ….

So, Mariah Carey was the centerpiece of ­NBCUniversal’s upfronts last week about their new shows — like Mimi’s “reality” show Mariah’s World — and, true to form, the diva was, well, diva’d beyond belief.

After tripping on the curb in her platform shoes and sequined zebra-print mini dress and fishnets — I swear, hookers dress classier — Mimi was literally carried onstage on a chaise by two men.

In addition, she arrived with a huge entourage of hair people and makeup folks and fashion stylists and hoisters — that’s what you call the poor unfortunate souls who lift Mimi off the ground — and various hangers-on. And while she didn’t topple over after that first time, Mariah had her team of spacklers and airbrushers touch her up more than six times during a five minute interview.

After the interview, Mariah changed into a skintight sequined bathing suit and once again had two men, this time with their shirts off so one could see their muscles straining — carry her to the stage.

In a past concert rider, Mimi famously insisted that she “doesn’t do stairs.”

Then, before performing, Mimi, who usually sleeps until 3PM, wished everyone a good morning and said she was there to wake them up.

It was 12:45 PM.

I’m not sure what Cara Delevingne is known for … acting? Modeling? A Taylor Swift BFF? Or being a diva of Carey-esque proportions.

Recently Delevingne was detained by security after cussing out train staff. She was about to board a Eurostar train traveling from London to Paris for her sister’s birthday when a security officer pulled her bag for a random search.

Cara wasn’t feeling a search of her luggage — did she go all Reese ‘Do you know who I am?' Witherspoon? — and ALLEGEDLY flipped out on the security officer with a slew of verbal assaults of the four-letter kind. When another security officer came over to try to calm her down, she went after them too.

So, Cara took a time-out from her tantrum and pulled out her cellphone which is a train security no-no. When she was told to put it away, she screamed “F**k you” at the officer who continued searching her bags, presumably looking for Cara’s manners. And when she realized her freak-out was doing no one any good at all, Cara got down on her knees and put her hands together as if she was praying for the whole thing to be over.

Alas, it was not; the diva actress-model-hanger-on-b*tch was then taken into an interrogation room and detained for an hour, after which she was released, red-eyed from crying and suddenly all apologetic.

Oh, and she was also slapped … with a fine for verbal assault.

Seriously. She should’a gone all Reese on their asses, or at the very least summoned Swifty’s Posse to come to her aid.

Sharon Stone usually goes to Cannes every year to host — and by host I mean collect a check for doing a meet-and-greet — a party for luxury jeweler de Grisogono’s swanky party at the Hôtel du Cap-Eden-Roc.

But this year Sharon demanded a lot of perks to host, like a check for $300,000, eight separate rooms at the Hôtel du Cap-Eden-Roc for the week and a private jet to whisk her to and from Cannes.

Sadly, times aren’t what they used to be for Sharon and de Grisogono turned down her request and got another “celebrity” to host their event.

Kim Kardastrophe. And all she got for her troubles was a pair of earrings … that she got to wear but then had to return. Bam.

Over there at House of Cards, Robin Wright wasn’t exactly pleased that she was paid less to star in the show than Kevin Spacey even though their roles are as equally as important. So she demanded a huge raise … or else. And the powers that be buckled.

I was feeling all “Good for her,” until I learned that Spacey pockets $500,000 an episode while Wright gets $420,000 an episode.

Yeah, that’s not exactly a huge pay gap … Wright makes about $60,000 a day and if she worked all 24 hours in a day that comes out to $2,500 an hour so … still, if the producers cut some of the budget for Spacey’s rugs and hair glue, they could cough up extra coins for Robin.

So last week Chris Brown and his friends were Cara Delevingne ‘d, er, thrown off a private jet bound for Cannes after the pilot complained that the cabin reeked of weed.

According to a police report, the pilot warned the Brown Crowd not to smoke on the plane but apparently the pilot didn’t know this was Chris Brown who doesn’t follow rules set by anyone. So the Brown crowd went ahead and ALLEGEDLY stank up the joint and so the pilot, while stopped in Miami, called police who told everyone to get off the plane.

Chris Brown is saying the story is nothing but hot … pot … air and, right after arriving in Cannes, on a different plane, released a statement:

“Cannes, we are here. We’re gonna party up. Turn up tonight, I can’t wait. Seen something on TMZ talking about we got escorted off a plane? How the hell we in Cannes if we got escorted off a plane? One. Marijuana smoke on the plane? I think we kinda learned that lesson. I don’t think we really need drugs on the plane. But you probably should check with the pilot, because he definitely kept asking my homies for an 8-ball. And we definitely don’t sell drugs. So, Imma be rich, stay rich, and happy.”

Yeah, he doesn’t sound high at all; and he maintains they never got bounced from the plane despite a police report to the contrary.

Like I said … high.