Snarky Thoughts

Here in America many people think of Canada as that ideal place to live free and easy, but it does have its problems from what I’ve heard; there are violations of the rights of marginalized groups, abuses by Canadian mining companies, and one issue that has pushed why Canadian MP Matt Jeneroux  to the breaking point and filing an “official grievance” with the House of Commons: not a single tour date has been announced for Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour.

My Thought: Free healthcare, low unemployment rates, unusually friendly people and no Taylor Swift? Packing my bags now.

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Are you up for more Kevin Costner divorce drama? I told you last week that the future ex-Missus Costner, Christine Baumgartner, was refusing to move out of the couple’s California Manse despite it being a condition of their pre-nup, and now there’s a new hiccup. It seems that Costner’s ex-tenant—why are multi-millionaire movie stars taking in renters?—tech entrepreneur Daniel Starr might have become a bit too cozy with Christine. A source claims the two “hung out a lot” while Kevin was away filming, and when Kevin got wind of it, he “hit the roof.” Lawyers eventually got involved, and Daniel was forced to move.

My Thought: Unless you really need the extra income to pay off your mansion mortgage, maybe getting a man to rent the guest house and become BFFs with your wife while you’re away isn’t the smartest thing to do.

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Sarah Jessica Parker, clearly reeling from all the press that Kim Cattrall is getting over her upcoming cameo in And Just Like That, has called the press to reflect on her relationship with Robert Downey Jr. She now says that she was “angry and embarrassed” during their romance, which took place amid his struggles with substance abuse because people around him “would be dismissive of me, but I had given him stability and tried to create a steady heartbeat that allowed him to show up on time.”

My Thought: She’s mentioning an old relationship that no one but SJP remembers—they were together from 1984 through 1991 and he didn’t get sober until twelve years after they broke up—just to make herself feel better about her little TV reboot?

PS In 1991 SJP met Matthew Broderick and they were married in 1997 and have three children, but by all means gush about how great you were to Downey Jr.

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Dean McDermott, AKA Mr. Tori Spelling, recently announced his separation from his wife on social media—“It’s with great sadness and a very very heavy heart that after 18 years together and 5 amazing children, that [Tori] and I have decided to go our separate ways, and start a new journey of our own. We will continue to work together as loving parents and guide and love our children through this difficult time.”—and then just as quickly deleted the post. It seemed like another attempt at media whoring their lives but, I dunno, maybe not. Last week McDermott was seen without his wedding ring as he hauled boxes and duffel bags of his things into a Los Angeles-area storage unit. He is said to have looked “morose” that day, wearing sunglasses, distressed jean shorts and a white T-shirt that notably showed off his large tattoo of Spelling. For her part, Tori has remained mum on the split publicity stunt but was seen wearing a “Boys Lie” T-shirt  while McDermott was busy moving his belongings.

My Thought: You live by social media, you will die by social media. And the cynic in me thinks these two fools will try to spin a reality show out of their ruined marriage.

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It's Snarkurday!

Olivia de Havilland is turned 101 last weekend and is still up for a feud, just not Ryan Murphy’s Feud: Bette & Joan.

That series was the story of the infamous Bette Davis and Joan Crawford feud that came to a boil when they did Whatever Happened to Baby Jane together and featured a series Hollywood stars giving fictional interviews about Bette and Joan at a 1970s Oscar ceremony.

Olivia de Havilland was played by Catherine Zeta-Jones as a class act—even whilst referring to her own legendary feud with her “bitch sister,” actress Joan Fontaine—and even though CZJ’s portrayal was positive, er, bland, De Havilland is not a happy lady.

De Havilland filed suit in LA this week saying that Murphy’s FX drama Feud portrayed her as a Hollywood gossip, something De Havilland claims she’s gone out of her way to avoid during her long career. And she is especially miffed that her “likeness” was included in the series without her consent and so she’s suing Ryan Murphy Productions and FX for invasion of privacy, unjust enrichment and infringement of common law right of publicity:

“Miss de Havilland was not asked by FX for permission to use her name and identity and was not compensated for such use. Further, the FX series puts words in the mouth of Miss de Havilland which are inaccurate and contrary to the reputation she has built over an 80-year professional life, specifically refusing to engage in gossip mongering about other actors in order to generate media attention for herself.”

Olivia, who lives in Paris these days, sent a letter to The Hollywood Reporter back in April explaining that she’d never seen the show and had no intention of ever watching it, though she’s clearly changed her mind about that ... hence the lawsuit.

And the request for a large stack of coins as a result.

I cannot wait for Feud: Olivia & Ryan.

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Robert Downey Jr. has been playing Iron Man for nearly ten years across eight movies including the new Spider-Man: Homecoming; he’ll also appear in two more Avenger movies, but maybe RDJr is looking to end the run ...

“I just want to hang up my jersey before it’s embarrassing.”

Um, to be fair, these superhero films aren’t my cup of tea and I haven’t seen one since the first Iron Man came out, but ten films?

G’head and turn in the jersey RDJr. I mean you’re zeroing in on sixty and that’s gotta be tough on brittle bones.

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Oh, how embarrassing it is to be Mariah Carey.

No, it’s not because of that hilariously disastrous New Years Eve performance; and, no, it’s not because she went from a billionaire boyfriend to a back-up dancer boy-toy. It’s because Mimi went out shopping on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills and her credit cards were dee-nied.

Cue eight-octave Whaaaaaaaaaat?

It first happened at Louis Vuitton and she thought it was a mistake, but then it happened three more times.

“Sorry ma’am, but I need to cut up that card.”

Luckily, between her assistant, her manager, her dog carrier, her make-up and hair team, her shoe guy and the team of bodyguards that carry her when she gets tired, Mimi was finally able to make her purchases.

But it may only get worse; it appears that Mariah’s upcoming concert tour with Lionel Richie is experiencing low sales and cancellations, along with most dates being postponed since Richie injured his knee.

Looks like it’ll be a long hot, credit-card-less Summer, unless she gets that palimony case with former fiancé James Packer settled for the .... wait for it ... fifty million bucks she’s requesting.

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Lindsay Lohan took a break from Instagram and Snapchat to focus on her Twitter account where she begged people to leave Donald _____ alone ...a la Chris Crocker demanding the same of us years back about Britney.

Earlier this year, she proved her life is still a mess when she asked that “everyone” support _____ for the good of the country, and now she’s back on the bandwagon, perhaps looking for a cabinet position to fill?

In the Department of High Class Call Girls? I kid ... high class? Uh, no.

But, perhaps Lindsay finally remembered that our President-For-Now told Howard Stern that girls like a Lindsay Lohan are a good fuck.

High praise from one narcissistic tool to another, eh?

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Well, it looks like it was all for show that Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna were trying to work things out because the shiz hit the social media this weekend.

On Instagram, Rob accused Chyna of cheating, scamming, and lying about how she lost the baby weight after she had their daughter Kream Dream.

Rob says he was contacted by a woman who had a child with a rapper named Ferrari and now says Ferrari and Chyna have been doing the nasty ... seriously, it’s got to be nasty ... for months now; and this was while Rob and Chyna were rekindling their Made-For-TV relationship.

So, Rob confronted Ferrari and Chyna, and they denied it but then Ferrari posted a picture of himself in what Rob claims is his bathrobe while lying on Chyna’s bed. Then he went through Chyna’s phone and found more evidence Chyna and Ferrari were schtupping one another and began posting all the nekkid pictures Chyna has sent him over the years ... I’m thinking it numbers in the millions.

Oh how that must have kept Rob busy; I mean, he hasn’t put this much work into anything since That Woman told him to get his sock business off her dining table.

And while his mom and sisters are busy doing anything but taking their brother’s side in his latest feud with his Baby Mama, and again, the woman who is the Baby Mama of his half-sister’s ex-boyfriend, one person did step up:

Rapper T.I. left a comment for Rob on one of his many posts suggesting he keep this private instead of dragging it through the InstagraMud, and so Rob accused T.I. of having a threesome with Chyna and Tiny.

Rob also took it to a subbasement of shame by saying Chyna only got with him because she was mad that Rob’s “little sister took her baby daddy.”

At that point, That Woman squeeed with delight that the Jenner name was dragged into this mess.

Cuz that’s all that matters, you know, not the babies, or the adults acting like children.

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And last of all, because it’s both true and high-larious ...

Annie Lennox has won eight Brit Awards, four Grammys, a Golden Globe, an Oscar and spent decades spent topping music charts and touring around the world and back again, yet just recently an Los Angeles radio station sent her a letter inviting Lennox to send in her latest MP3 single and they’d help her out with her career.

Seriously. Lennox shared the message on social media, but blacked out the station’s name, yet that didn’t stop her fans from commenting on the post speculating which LA-based radio station has a program director named Glenn and a new music coordinator named Kylie. The post racked up more than 2,000 comments just hours after she shared it on Facebook.

Lennox got the last laugh, saying:

“I think I’m in with a chance ??!!!”

Just sayin’ ... Annie Freaking Lennox.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lindsay Lohan isn’t okay with sharing the spotlight, especially at one of her favorite Hollywood night clubs.

A source—and you just know it’s fame-whoring momager Dina, after draining another box of chardonnay—says, the Liz & Dick cracktress put a wrench in E! reality star Francesca Eastwood’s birthday bash.

“Francesca was celebrating her birthday with around a dozen friends in a private area when Lindsay came over and started screaming that Francesca should leave,” Dina says. “She was yelling ‘I’m a star, she’s a nobody, get her out of here!’”

Lindsay Lohan? I’m.A.Star. I could die. Of laughing.

But Dina continues, “One poor guy came over and tried to calm [Lindsay] down and she acted aggressively. At that point the security told her to leave and it was totally embarrassing. She is acting like some bad ’80s film star, and it is hard to watch because she needs help.”

But before Lohan could scurry away like the nightclub cockroach she is, she and her driver—and I’ll give her points for having someone else drive—almost hit one of the valet guys as they left.

All of which begs the question:

Why is she such a cracktress? And why do folks keep hiring her? And why can’t I stop laughing that Lohan screamed “I’m a star.”?

More importantly, though, why do clubs still allow Lindsay inside?

Tom Cruise wants to be the Best Daddy Ever, and is taking great pains to make sure he wins the title, and, eventually, full custody of Suri.

While Katie enrolls Suri in school, and takes her on play dates, Tommy is whisking her away, in a private jet no less, to Disney, where he rents the unpurchasable Cinderella Castle Suite for his daughter.

She was treated like a princess while he acted like a queen.

But, in the wake of Katie’s Mission Impossible: Escape From Tom, he needs to revamp his image. I mean, let’s face it, when your wife needs to use burner phones and plan her escape while you’re out of town, it screams a little battered wife. No, and I don’t mean physically abusive, but perhaps emotionally and mentally abusive. The whole story of how Katie managed to slip out of a window, scale the fence, and bike ride from LA to NYC just to get away from Tom screams Lifetime movie.

So, Tom needs a new image. Good Daddy! Best Daddy. Take his daughter everywhere and give her everything while Mommy says ‘No’ to the puppy.

But, really, could a makeover make us believe that Tom would be a better parent than Katie Holmes. He’s all about fun and games and giving her everything while Katie enrolls her in school and dance classes.

But according to sources, Suri’s happiness isn’t all that Tom wants. It seems that Tom’s makeover into full-time caring Daddy is simply to wait for the day he can get in a courtroom and hoping a judge will ask Suri where she wants to live: with Daddy in FantasyLand, or with Mommy in the real world.

For Tommy, she’s not a daughter, but a trophy to be won so his image doesn’t continue to tarnish.

I love Anne Hathaway.

I love Joseph Gordon-Leavitt.

But, ALLEGEDLY JGL doesn’t feel so hot about Annie.

They may have been all smiles during the Dark Knight Rises press tour, but sources—and I think it’s Michael Caine—say JGL actually can’t stand Hathaway. He ALLEGEDLY feels that she acts like an insufferable snob toward him and that the awkwardness got so bad between them during filming that whenever she’d walk into a room, he’d immediately walk out of it.

“He thinks she’s a good actress, but he just doesn’t understand her ego,” says, ALLEGEDLY, Michael Caine. “Also, Anne was very dismissive of Joseph early in her career. She even turned down a couple of jobs where she was supposed to act opposite him.”

But with this movie, she was actually at a disadvantage because when JGL was cast he already had a long relationship with director Christopher Nolan. So, if Annie didn’t like him there wasn’t much she could do.

I dunno about this. It reeks of a made-up story because JGL and Hathaway seem like two nice, hardworking, cute—her—and adorkably hot—him—people. I would think that the press people made up the rumors to drum up business, but since Dark Knight has already made about a billion dollars they don’t need this kind of gossip…..

I don’t watch Dancing with the Stars but I’ve always thought Derek Hough was a big old homo. I know, he has a reputation for wooing the ladies, and even, ALLEGEDLY, dated his dancing partner on DWTS, Shannon Elizabeth, though she later admitted it was all for the show. And then he had a :::cough::: romance with Cheryl Cole which juts long enough for her to find someone better, or straighter.

And then there’s the story that Derek just loves his sister’s boyfriend, the ambiguously gay, Ryan Seacrest.

Insert beard jokes here:

But one thing Derek doesn’t like is being photographed. In a gay bar. I know!

Derek Hough, in some shiny silver pants, shook his bon-bon at Jam, a gay club in his hometown of Salt Lake City, but he went all RuPaul raging when a fan asked for a picture.

Though it’s been reported that he is dating “DWTS” contestant and opera singer Katherine Jenkins, she was nowhere in sight when Derek danced with his buddies at Jam. But fan Ken Lee was there and he wanted a picture with Derek.

“I’m a big fan of Derek’s, and I always thought or HOPED he was gay,” says Ken Lee. “Seeing him shimmying with his buddies at the gay club wearing skintight, shiny silver pants just made my mind scream!”

But when Ken approached Derek for a photo, the dancer “got all nervous and fidgety and stammered, ‘No, no, no — not here!’”

“I was really careful about approaching him respectfully,” Ken explained. “I went up to Derek and said, ‘excuse me’ and asked very nicely if I could have a photo taken with him. Well, he couldn’t have been more rude or a bigger diva! I was like, OK, he’s clearly not comfortable about having his picture taken in a gay bar. If you’re not gay, then what’s the problem? Derek’s behavior was very suspect Derek very well may not be gay, but he sure was dressed pretty and threw an impressive hissy fit when I asked for a photo!”

Silver pants. Gay bar. All boys.

Yeah, gay.

I love Robert Downey Jr. Even in his crackiest drug and alcohol induced stupors he was a better actor than most. And he’s also a bit nutty.

While filming David Fincher’s Zodiac, RDJr was not familiar with the—new at that time—way of shooting a film digitally. Fincher’s use of digital cameras meant less time for breaks, making the process very fast, and RDJr was not happy.

In fact, he was downright pissy.

So much so, that Fincher says RDJr would leave jars filled with urine around the set, in protest.

Yup. He’s a pisser all right.

And I still like him.

Katy Perry is still dating serial manwhore, and utterly fugly musician, John Mayer. And he is really not much of a step up from ex-husband Russell Brand. In fact, he’s a step down, to the left, and around the corner, in a dumpster.

But Katy’s happy so all’s well.

Except when Russell talks about her. See, that makes Katy mad. Even though she included footage of him in her movie after Brand asked her not to, and even though she parodied him in her music video, “Wide Awake,” in which she punched her Prince Charming in the face.

That’s all good, in Katy’s world.

But when Russell Brand scarcely mentioned her on Howard Stern’s show she went off. Though Russell tried to evade the questions, he ended up saying, “I don’t want anything to hurt her. She’s younger than me, she’s a young woman and she’s beautiful and she’s sensitive and I care about her deeply … I don’t want to be too glib.”

Nice, actually, especially, coming from Brand. But Katy was pissed anyway, and now she’s trying to legally prevent Russell from saying anything about her at all, anywhere, ever.

Hypocritical much?

To that end, Perry is seeking a gag order to stop Russell Brand from speaking about their failed marriage in public.

Yeah. I know.

The only saving grace is that when Mayer dumps Perry, and he will, you just know he’ll do a whole series of songs about his blue-haired crazy ex-girlfriend.

And then Katy will learn that Karma is a bigger bitch than she.

There IS Hope

Former serial drug abuser, rabid rehab-ber, and jailbait, Robert Downey Jr. has a new gig.
He has signed on as the voice behind Mr. Peanut, the iconic face of Planters peanuts.

Hoping to modernize the brand, Planters' parent company, Kraft Foods, has given the previously mute Mr. Peanut a highly-recognizable voice, as well as an updated wardrobe. Oh, the proud Nut will still wear the trademarked top hat, cane and monocle, but his new look will be decidedly more modest thanks to the addition of a gray flannel suit covering up his, um, well, previously exposed shell.
And this is fabulous news for Lindsay Lohan, too.
Just think, in another ten years, if this serial drug abuser, rabid rehab-ber, and jailbait gets her act together and stays clean, she might just well become the face and voice of Mrs. Butterworth.

I Didn't Say It.........

Director Ron Howard, on keeping the "electric cars are gay" joke[?] in The Dilemma:

"So why was the joke in the movie? Our lead character of Ronny Valentine has a mouth that sometimes gets him into trouble and he definitely flirts with the line of what's okay to say. He tries to do what's right but sometimes falls short. Who can't relate to that?....The Dilemma is a story full of flawed characters whose lives are complicated by the things they say to and hide from each other. Ronny is far from perfect and he does and says some outrageous things along the way....I believe in sensitivity but not censorship. I feel that our film is taking additional heat as an emblem for many movies and TV shows that preceded it that have even more provocative characterizations and language. It is a slight moment in The Dilemma meant to demonstrate an aspect of our lead character's personality, and we never expected it to represent our intentions or the point of view of the movie or those of us who made it."

Nicely put, but. um, Ronnie, if this line gets a laugh, maybe the adults will see it as a character sayting the wrong thing, but a thriteen-year-old boy, or girl, may see it as a way to taunt and bully a kid at school, and that's what needs to be stopped.

GLAAD President Jarrett Barrios' response to Howard's decision to keep the joke in the film:

“At a time when so many in our country are speaking out against the bullying of gay youth, Universal was right to acknowledge the offensive nature of this 'joke' when it removed it from trailers. Unfortunately, by leaving it in the movie, they are now contributing to the problem. The conversations started as a result of the community’s response to this slur will help schools, media and parents understand the impact of the word ‘gay' being used as a pejorative. Hopefully in the future, Universal and Ron Howard will recognize the power of their words and use their films to bring people together rather than drive us apart."

Sticks and stones do break bones, but words used endlessly, over and over again, to deingrate or bully someone, can break a spirit, and perhaps end a life.

Betty White, on marriage equality:

"I don’t care who anybody sleeps with. If a couple has been together all that time - and there are gay relationships that are more solid than some heterosexual ones - I think it’s fine if they want to get married. I don’t know how people can get so anti-something. Mind your own business, take care of your affairs, and don’t worry about other people so much."

Yeah, what Betty said.
Mind your own beeswax.
I so want to gay marry her.

Cher, on her daughter Chastity becoming her son Chaz:

 “If I woke up tomorrow in a guy’s body, I would just kick and scream and cry and fucking rob a bank, because I cannot see myself as anything but who I am—a girl. I would not take it as well as Chaz has. I couldn’t imagine it.” While Cher remains a proud mother, she admits to Smith that she still gets confused: “She’s a very smart girl—boy! This is where I get into trouble. My pronouns are fucked. I still don’t remember to call her ‘him.’”

People are giving Cher a hard time about this, but she had a daughter for a lot longer than she's had this son, and it takes time, and work and conscious effort. Sheesh, I hear people on talk shows referring to Cahz as her or Cahstity, and if they can't get it quick enough, imagine how hard it must be for the owman who gave birth to the 'her' that became a 'him'?

Iowa Asshat, and Congressman, Steve King, warning us that if "traditional" marriage is not saved, children will be raised in warehouses, so to speak:

“I think that if we can’t defend marriage, that it becomes very hard to defend life. Marriage is the crucible by which we pour all of our values and pass them on to our children, and that is how the culture is renewed each time. So, if we lose marriage--for instance, if our children are raised in warehouses, so to speak. There have been civilizations that have tried to do that. The Spartans did that. They took the children away and taught them to be warriors. It’s a good way to defend a country, but not much of a way to run a civilization. So, I’m afraid if that happened — if we lose the marriage, we lose the home, we lose the nuclear family then we can’t teach our values. We won’t be able to teach our faith. We won’t be able to teach life. We won’t be able to teach our Constitutional values either. That’s why I’m afraid it’s going to be very, very difficult to defend life.”

Every single time he opens his mouth it becomes a WTF moment.

Warehouses and warriros?
WTF? Seriously.

Ed Schultz, liberal radio talkshow host, on John Boehner's election night tears:

"Mr Boehner, do you think that there are any American families out there that are crying when they are told, after they get sick, that the insurance company is going to drop them? You see we passed a law in this country — you were not a part of it — that said that insurance companies can't do that and you want to repeal that. So do you think there's any tears with the middle class, Mr. Boehner? Or is it all about you all the time?"

Boehner doesn't care about the so-called people, he cares about his ass, his job, his election. If he cared, seriously cared, he wouldn't have spent the last 22 months saying No; he would have offered to help, or offered a soltuion, instead of standing in the way and doing nothing.

Robert Downey Jr., who says it was Robert Downey Jr. who changed Robert Downey Jr. and not prison:

"Jail didn't help me any more or less than anything else. But I know I created that experience for a reason, and I'm only just starting to understand those reasons. Remember this is California… 'Come on vacation, leave on probation.' I mean, I can't believe I stayed out of the pen for as long as I did. And I didn't mind it inside really; it wasn't so bad. Listen, a prison is just like a public school. Did you ever go on a film set on location? It's just like prison. Have you ever been in a bad relationship? It's just like having a celly (cellmate) who wants to kill you. Have you ever been in a street fight? It's just like chow-time (meal time). Have you ever been to a rave-up? It's like a yard riot. I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but it neither fazed me, nor changed me, nor informed me - but maybe it toughened me up a little bit."

Now, I loves me some RDJr, but what he's forgettiung is that one can walk away from a film set when they choose, they can walk out of a rave when they choose, they can walk away from a bad relationship when they choose.
But they cannot walk away from prison when they choose.

Loose Bits

I am tired of the continued coverage of the fires in California.

I used to live out there and the fact is that the mountains around Los Angeles catch fire every year. If it's September, it's fire season.

Now that doesn't mean I don't feel for those people who've lost their homes, because I do. I just get tired of the media playing this up like it's a big surprise.

LA burns every year.

It isn't news, it's old news.

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And, speaking of fires and the media, Al Roker.

I think when he lost all that weight part of it included his brain because just yesterday, on the Today Show, he uttered the line, "Fire is dangerous."

I'm glad he told me because I was just about to take a nap on the BBQ grill.

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Carlos and I rented The Soloist.

Never heard of it? It was in the theaters barely long enough for people to get popcorn. It stars Robert Downey Jr, who I used to think of as cute but now I think of as sexy--yes, sexy--and Jamie Foxx, whom I cannot stand. And here's why.

You didn't think I wasn't gonna tell you, did you? This is my rant. It's what I do.

Robert Downey Jr has these things he does in a movie where you forget you're watching an actor acting. You even forget it's Robert Downey Jr. Jamie Foxx, on the others ACTS. He's all show and no substance. I didn't buy him as a homeless cello virtuoso any more than I bought him as Ray Charles. He's Jamie Foxx and he's ACTING.

Boring.

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Whitney Houston on Good Morning America.

I wanted to like it, really I did. I've made many a crack about Miz Whitney, but I like my divas to rebound. I mean , I stood by Liza through all her rehabs and failed performances and marriages to gay men, shouldn't I offer the same to Whitney?

But her performance on GMA was not so good. She asked to pre-tape the performance because she doesn't sing in the morning and they accommodated her. But her voice was cracking all over the place and the high notes were up on a shelf in a box marked "Do Not Need These Anymore."

I hear her album is selling very well.

I hope she makes it.

I love my divas.

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Speaking of GMA.

Diane Sawyer is leaving GMA because Charlie Gibson is leaving World News Tonight.

No, they aren't running off together, though that would be some story.

Apparently Charlie wants out of the news anchor biz and Diane wants in. That means that of the three network newscast, two will be anchored by women.

Harry Reasoner must be spinning in his grave.

Barbara Walters must be spinning in hers, too.

I kid.

Walters isn't dead. Really.

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Little Paris Jackson was in Las Vegas last week, because, well, that's where all little girls go to relax and rejuvenate and get their hair done.

But Miss Jackson doesn't get the traditional haircut, because she isn't a traditional girl and no matter how much Pimp Daddy Joe blusters, and Katherine Jackson smiles, those kids will never be normal.

See, as Paris' locks fell to the floor in the salon her bodyguard was there to swoop them up and bag them. The bag was then removed from the store along with the newly shorn Paris.

Why all the fuss?

DNA. Gotta keep the baby daddies guessing Who's Sperm Is Whose.

It's just sad.

Normal is one thing Paris Jackson will never be.

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Paris Hilton.

Lindsay Lohan.

Oprah Winfrey--hasn't it been nice this summer with No Oprah, or Noprah?

Mark and Jenny Sanford.

That's all.