Why Is It ...

… that most all of my friends know that if we’re in a crowd of people and I say, “since we’re being funny,” it’s time to take me out of the room.

… that people have forgotten that oldest of Commandments ‘Know thy lane and stayeth in it.”

… that I am the friend you can cancel on at the last minute? Is it because I wasn’t going anyway?

… that sometimes I tell people “I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are” and watch their face while they try to figure out if it was a compliment or not.

… that every so often I head up to IKEA to see if they can help me assemble the fucking will to live.

… that no one realzies that calling someone a dildo is a perfectly acceptable insult; you could call them a dick, but they aren’t real enough.

… that even I know I should be ashamed of my attitude; to be clear, I’m not, but I should be.

… that people need to learn if they press their bottom lip to their top lip, they can actually shut the fuck up; go on, try it, I’ll wait.

 … that no one sees that introverts don’t get FOMO; we get FOBI … fear of being included.

… that people don’t realize I am an anti-stalker. I’m learning someone’s routine so I can avoid them.

… that no one gets that I will cook rice one grain at a time before I worry about someone not talking to me.

Why Is It ...

… that when I write the book about all of the things I should have done with my life, I will call it my oughtabiography.

… that people talk about multi-tasking I think, “Yeah, I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.”

… that no one understands that I don’t leave voicemails; you saw my missed call, that’s my voicemail

…. that the only clubs I’m into lately are sandwiches?

… that when things go left, I go right … to sleep?

… that my boss gets annoyed when I text him every morning to ask if we’re still on for work?

… that I am in a panic because I don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years?

… that the Dildo of Consequences rarely arrives lubed?

Meme Dump

Vacation Post: Dodged That Bullet

Earlier this week, while perusing  this interwbz thingy, I came across a story that, while Texas's solicitor general, Ted Cruz defended a a state ban on the sale of ... dildos:

“There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

But, as happens with politicians running for office, Teddy has flipped on that topic, telling WABC's Curtis Sliwa that he would not ban “the sale of sexual toys, dildos, or anything that sexually stimulates you”:

“Look, of course not, it’s a ridiculous question, and of course not. What people do in their own private time with themselves is their own business and it’s none of government’s business.”

Funny then, that was 'agin' it before he was 'fer' it.

Jennifer Jin Will Protest Campus Open Carry Gun Law By Openly Carrying A Dildo

Students at the University of Texas in Austin are calling their protest a "strap in" although it’s also known as “Cocks, Not Glocks.” 

See, next year, on August 1st, a new bill in Texas — S.B. 11, AKA the “Campus Carry” law — goes into effect. It was, naturally, passed by the Republican state legislature and signed into law by Republican Governor Greg Abbott, and will allow people who are licensed to carry a concealed firearm to legally carry their weapon on college campuses.

Yes, it’s ridiculous; in the aftermath of that school shooting in Oregon, Texas will welcome guns onto college campuses. But, in an effort to highlight the stupidity of such a law, University of Texas at Austin student Jessica Jin [left] has started her own protest of sorts.

She wants like-minded students — those who believe guns have no place on a college campus — to take a stand against the proliferation of guns by openly carrying … wait for it … dildos on campus, even though, according to university rules and Texas law, it could get them expelled or even arrested. 

Yup. A dildo gets you arrested, but a gun is just fine and dandy.

From the University of Texas rules:

Subchapter 13–200. Prohibited Expression: Sec. 13–201. Obscenity

"No person or organization will distribute or display on the campus any writing or visual image, or engage in any public performance, that is obscene. A writing, image, or performance is “obscene” if it is obscene as defined in Texas Penal Code, Section 43.21 or successor provisions, and is within the constitutional definition of obscenity as set forth in decisions of the United States Supreme Court."

From the Texas Criminal Code:

Sec. 43.22. OBSCENE DISPLAY OR DISTRIBUTION.

(a) A person commits an offense if he intentionally or knowingly displays or distributes an obscene photograph, drawing, or similar visual representation or other obscene material and is reckless about whether a person is present who will be offended or alarmed by the display or distribution.

(b) An offense under this section is a Class C misdemeanor." (A Class C misdemeanor in punishable by up to a $500 fine)*

Jessica hopes her protest will make voters think — and, yes, I know it’s Texas, but even down there some folks have rational minds — about how insane it is to allow students, and teachers and administrators, to carry weapons onto a college campus, but the mere act of carrying a concealed dildo, or god forbid, openly carrying a dildo, can get you arrested.

"The State of Texas has decided that it is not at all obnoxious to allow deadly concealed weapons in classrooms, Jessica writes, "however it DOES have strict rules about free sexual expression, to protect your innocence. You would receive a citation for taking a DILDO to class before you would get in trouble for taking a gun to class." — Jennifer Jin

And there’s even a Facebook page readying for the Campus (Dildo) Carry protest, which has been given its own hashtag: #CocksNotGlocks, and so next year, as students return to campuses across the state and the new open carry law goes into effect, students and supporters are asked to “strap on” a dildo and head to class.

And Jessica knows that students can get arrested for this protest — as ludicrous as it sounds — and has warned people to participate at their own risk, though she also says:

“[Can] you imagine the gong show that would be [University of Texas Police Dept/Austin Police Dept.] trying to chase down thousands of students wielding harmless dildos around campus?"

And with interested in the event growing each day, Jessica is looking into securing the sponsorship of a major dildo manufacturer. 

"I know that quality dildos, especially super large ones, can be a little pricey. If we can gather enough willing participants, I will personally take it upon myself to put in the time and legwork to find a dildo supplier sponsorship."

The gun carry advocates, true to form, have taken to name calling and threats in the comment section of the event page, but Jessica won’t remove them, saying she thinks the comments would be instructive to show exactly what kind of people want guns in schools:

"You're carrying a gun to class? Yeah well I'm carrying a HUGE DILDO. Just about as effective at protecting us from sociopathic shooters, but much safer for recreational play." 

 I cannot wait for this protest; a sea of dildos, in backpacks and book bags and purses and briefcases and pockets everywhere.

#CocksNotGlocks. Loving it.

NCRM

Tidbits

This causes me such joy.
Sharron Angle is hinting that she might run for President.
I know!
Now, while that is hysterical in and of itself, can you imagine a Republican debate featuring Angle, Palin and Bachmann?
I mean, Tweedledum, Tweedledummer, and Bachmann.

Geri Jewell, best known for her role as Cousin Geri on that popular 1950s TV show, The Fats Of Life, er, The Facts of Life, is releasing her memoir, "I'm Walking As Straight As I Can: Transcending Disability in Hollywood and beyond."
Jewell was one of the first, if not the first, actor with a disability--she has cerebral palsy--to appear as a regular on on a TV show. She talks about the difficulty of breaking into Hollywood with cerebral palsy, and her pride in opening the doors for future generations of disabled actors.
But, she also comes out as gay in the book.
Cousin Geri is gay?
Who knew?
I mean, Jo, well, sure, but Cousin Geri?

Charlie Sheen is in trouble again.
The usual stuff, sex and drugs, and probably weapons, too.
I've made my share of jokes about Sheen, but this is not only getting old, it's getting scary.
If he was just plain Charlie Sheen, working at a Vons in Southern California, and was arrested for ALLEGEDLY holding a knife to his wife's throat, or terrorizing a prostitute--oops, i mean porn star--being arrested time and again for domestic abuse, and drugs, would he still have a job?
WTF is wrong with CBS that they let him continue to pull these stunts and then keep giving him millions of dollars a year. Seriously, are money and ratings more important?
And what about his family? Take some freakin' leadership, and have a court declare Sheen incompetent and get his ass into a state sanctioned rehab where he can deal with his addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex, and weapons.
Seriously. This isn't funny any more.

I'm back into the Drag Race, and this time Carlos is coming along for the ride.
My favorites so far are Mimi Imfurst--I loved her Madonna and Child get-up, and No, it wasn't that Madonna. I also love Delta Work, because she looks like the woman who used to play Sally on The Bold and The Beautiful. Raja needs some lip work, because those are some seriois man lips, and she can't pull that look off, even though she won this week. Hmm, maybe I'm wrong.
I'm also a fan of Shangela, back for her second try, though she almost got dragged off. And I like Mariah, who seemed to be the diva bitch, until she helped another queen out....Mimi.
Who do you like?

Would that i could make this stuff up:
Carolee Bildsten ate dinner at a restaurant in Gurnee Illinois, but had no money to pay the bill.
Police were called, and an officer drove Bildsten home so she could get the cash.
The officer accompanied her into her home, where she said the money was in her sock drawer. She reached in for the cash, and instead came out with a......
Wait for it.
Knife?
No.
Gun?
She pulled out a clear plastic dildo and held it above her head in a "threatening manner."
Bildstein is now saying the officer scared her because she didn't know he'd followed her into her bedroom; she says she reached for the, um, weapon, because she'd recently read an article about a Gurnee police officer who was convicted of sexual assault.
And what? She wanted to be ready?
Or maybe she's a wackjob because, um, well, i forgot to mention that the officer found her lying on the ground outside of the restaurant to begin with.

Kool-Aid.
It's not just for drinking anymore.
And while some people say you can add some temporary color to your hair using Kool-And, now we come to find out that you can also clean your bathroom bowl with it.
Apparently the citric acid in the orange Kool-Aid works well enough to clean the toilet.
And, because I like to offer household tips to my readers, here's how:
“Sprinkle the contents of the package in before you head to bed, swirl it around with a toilet bowl brush, and let it sit over night. The acid in the drink mix will go to work cleaning away tough stains and build up if you don't have the best water conditions.”
Now, to Kool-Aids credit, it is kind of a green product, but if it's strong enough to clean a toilet do you really wanna be drinking it?
 
And let's finish with The View.
Or let's just finish The View.
Now, don't get me wrong, I loves me some Whoopi and Joy, and some whoopee and joy, but Sherri is such a morn she makes Hasselbeck look like a Mensa member.
But today, let's talk about the doddering Grandma on the show, Babs Walters.
She is so out of touch, and rambles on so incoherently that it's almost sad. And why she feels the need to treat her audience like morons is beyond me. She always has to explain the story before she comments, like she knows the audience has no idea what's happening.
When, in fact, it's Babs who's lost.
Seriously, Babs, you've been a trailblazer. we wouldn't have Diane Sawyer without you; or Katie Couric, though I won't hold that against you. You've had an epic run,m having been on TV since the day TV was invented. And I'm sure you have enough money, so.....
Retire already.
Head down to Boca Raton and wander the streets, waiting for 5PM so you can get an Early Bird Special at Applebee's.
Seriously.
We'll be fine.
Go............................................................go.