Why Is It ...

… that I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shiz up.

… that I don’t make the same mistake twice but I can make it 5 or 6 or 40 times just to be sure.

… that I remember the time when I thought a new hip joint meant someplace I wanted to go on a Friday night.

… that people don’t understand that I find out about everything … I even know Victoria’s Secret.

... that when my boss asked why I was late I said, “I cut someone off and they told me to go to Hell. At first I couldn’t find it, but now I’m here.’

… that even though some things are better left unsaid, I have a habit of saying them

…. that I will burn bridges while I’m still standing on them just so people know I am serious about my crazy.

… that I don’t mind coming in to work but waiting eight hours to go home is bull shiz

… that I bought a co-worker a Get Better Soon card and she didn’t like it. I mean, she’s not sick, I just think she could do better.

… that there are many times I am in mid-conversation with someone and will say, “Look, I don’t care.”

… when I shut down, I shut down for real … like McDonalds ice cream machine real.

Why Is It ...

… that when I hear someone say “Life is a walk in the park,” I think of my life as a walk through Jurassic Park?

… that I am the person that always leaves early … like Cinderella?

… that I hardly ever speak to people? So, if I talk to you, congratulations!

… that you think I was a toxic person in your life, but in fact it must have been your fault; next time, don’t play with me.

… that your secret is safe with me? Cuz I’m gonna forget it as soon as you tell me.

… that I hate when people think I’m mad or sad because I’m not talking when the fact is, sometimes, I’m just too lazy to talk.

… that one of my toxic traits is going too hard on the chips and salsa before dinner arrives.

… that I have the uncanny ability to forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

… that I vacillate between thinking I am crazy and thinking I am not crazy enough.