Snarky Thoughts

We all know Matthew Perry was a raging drug and alcohol addict while on Friends but we know more now because he’s written a book to tell us … like how he wished death upon Keanu Reeves. Perry was online bitch-slapped for the part in his memoir where he wonders why actors like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die too soon, but “Keanu Reeves still walks among us” and offered up some BS apology saying he just grabbed a name out of the sky and it turned out to be Keanu Reeves.

My Thought: Sorry, Matthew but why not say “And yet I still walk among you.” I mean after decades of rampant drug use and, in your own words, nearly $9,000,000 spent on rehab stays, you are lucky to still be walking, so, yeah, to paraphrase the immortal Chris Crocker, “Leave Keanu alone!”

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A year ago, all anyone could talk about was Adele’s long awaited fourth album, 30, and its first single. ‘Easy On Me.’ But then the second single was supposed to be ‘I Drink Wine’ … AKA My Personal Theme Song … and we got ‘Oh My God’ instead. Well, now ‘I Drink Wine’ was released Adele gave an interview where she said Taylor Swift is one of the greatest songwriters of our generation.

My Thought: Perhaps Adele should rename the song, ‘I Drank Too Much Wine And Spewed Some Shiz.’

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Dame Judi Dench recently wrote an op-ed for The Sunday Times taking Netflix to task for ALLEGEDLY playing fast and loose with the facts on The Crown. And apparently she has that much power because Netflix has added a disclaimer to season five indicating that anything you might hear … like former Prince, now King, Charles, while still married to Diana,  telling his mistress Camilla that he wanted to be reincarnated as a tampon so he could live inside her … is a “fictional dramatization” of events that may or may not be true … even if you heard the words committed to tape for all the world to hear.

My Thought: Netflix backed down, but shaded Dame Judi by revealing that she was in talks to play The Queen Mother during the fifth Tampon Season but turned it down because she wasn’t getting as many coins as Imelda Staunton, who plays The Queen. The Queen Mother role then went to Marcia Warren, who had no issue with the paycheck.

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Big surprise … Gisele Bündchen  and Tom Brady’s marriage is over and has been for several weeks now as their lawyers have already hammered out a settlement and reached an agreement on property and custody of their two children. Gisele filed documents in Florida today and Tom sat on his hands and Boom! they’re done.

My Thought: How many minutes until Tom gets a twenty-something model on his arm because you know he’s all about the trophy!

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If you had Armie Hammer’s new career as “timeshare salesman” on your Hollywood Career Change Bingo Card, you are a winner. Yes, after Armie’s career died amid the accusation of being a cannibalistic sexaholic and the horrid box office of Death on the Nile, Hammer worked as a timeshare salesman in the Cayman Islands. Perhaps he needed the coins because, like Tori Spelling—wow, not even six degrees separate Tori and Armie—American Express says he’s been dodging a $67,000 credit card balance, and they’re taking him to court over it.

My Thought: Cannibalism doesn’t pay enough to pay the AMEX.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Jen Shah, one of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, is apparently a hot mess on and off TV, but it’s her off-screen antics, of the criminal variety ALLEGEDLY, that we’ll talk about here.

Shah was arrested and accused of fraud spanning six states, and faces up to thirty years in prison, but has, of course, denied any wrongdoing and asked that the charges be dropped. A judge said, “No so fast grifter,” and so now Shah has come up with a new theory as to why she is not, well, not that innocent, but not to be tried for the charges: her contacts were dirty,

Shah’s lawyer filed legal papers which said her contacts were very dry and dirty, and her vision so blurry that she had no idea she was signing a document that waved off her Miranda rights and would like her whole case thrown out.

Bitch, please. Did you also have dry contacts in your ears when they read you your rights?

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And now, another tiny diva with a great big ego … Kevin Hart. He loves to say he has zero fucks to give, and even called his latest Netflix special, Zero Fucks Given, but he appears to have many, many fucks to give because he recently went on Twitter and lashed out against people who claimed he was … :::gasp::: … not funny:

“The ‘He’s not funny’ slander is the best….this is for you. I have 3 stand up comedy specials that fall in the top 10 highest grossing comedy specials of all time….2 of my specials are in the top 3 of all time. I have been the highest grossing comedian in entertainment for years now.”

Someone is giving lots of fucks rights now, but, um, Kev, someone saying you’re not funny isn’t slander, it’s opinion, and you thinking it’s slander is semi-funny, but in a sad kind of way.

“I have also been the highest grossing comedian in the box office with over 4 billion in earnings ….I have also turned my comedic talent into a place of business and branding and radio and other revenue streams….The hate/slander fuels me to do more.”

Again, not slander, just a lot of chest thumping and ego puffing from Little Man Hart.

“You guys are what makes this business fun….because it’s not about getting to the top….it’s about doing your best to stay on top after you get there. I rarely talk shit….but I felt the need to today.”

He rarely talks shit and has zero fucks to give, and then talks a lot of shit while giving a huge fuck. Not funny; not funny at all.

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Kim Kardashian wants to make the move from reality TV whore to lawyer, but apparently it’s just too hard. If you remember, last week, on KUWTK, Kimmy revealed that she had taken the First-Year Law Students’ Examination, aka the Baby Bar, and failed. She blamed the test results on being a single multi-millionaire mother, running a business during a pandemic, and getting COVID from a birthday party she threw herself with hundreds of people in attendance.

Kimmy is funnier than Kevin Hart thinking that if you’re a single working mom you automatically fail the exam; or maybe if you’re a single mom with nannies and staff who work for you and run your businesses while you travel around the world unmasked and unvaxxed and get COVID and then don’t pass the Baby Bar.

But, hon, if you have all those excuses for why you failed, why did you take the test a second time, and bomb again? Cuz you’re a reality show whore who doesn’t’ have the good sense god gave a horse.

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When we talk about Tori Spelling it’s usually because a credit card company is coming after her for being a deadbeat who doesn’t pay her bills or she’s thirsty for attention by pretending to be pregnant again. Sure, that’s still happening because what else does Spelling have to do?

Oh, go out in public and be photographed without her wedding ring sparking rumors that her marriage to fellow deadbeat Dean McDermott is over.

Oh, and she dropped another clue on Instagram by changing her bio from “Actress / Wife / Mother / Writer / DIYer” to “Actress / Mother / Writer / DIYer.”

Tori, hon, no one really cares.

PS You forgot "Deadbeat."

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We haven’t heard much from sexual kink master Armie Hammer of late, perhaps because his career took that final spin around the toilet bowl, or maybe it’s something else …

Once all his sexual proclivities became known, and his wife left him, and women came crawling out of the woodwork to discuss his kinks, Armie slithered away to the Cayman Islands where he ALLEGEDLY dated a Canadian dental hygienist. But that was all we knew, until last week when Armie was seen at the Grand Cayman airport with his estranged wife and their two children, who hugged Daddy goodbye before he boarded a plane to Orlando, Florida.

What do you do after your marriage and career implode? He’s going to Disneyworld!

Oops, not so much, Armie has checked himself into rehab to hopefully get help for his drink and drug and sex addictions. And while that’s good, the LAPD continues to investigate the rape allegations made again him online by a woman named Effie.

It’s a mixed bag for the former Husband-In-My-Head.

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Kourtney Kardastrophe likes to paint herself as the eco-warrior of That Family, but her message was clearly lost on one of her sisters, Khloé.

Khloé, clearly not the sharpest tool in That Family’s shed of dim bulbs, decided to do her part to fight pollution by encouraging her 152 million Instagram followers to make the switch from bottled water to a refillable water bottle, in an attempt to reduce single waste plastics.

Nice message, but … if you’re living a massively wasteful Kardastrophe lifestyle, which, in Khloé’s case, is a love for filling her home with thousands and thousands of balloons to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and the unveiling of her new faces, are you really environmentally conscious? Or are you just another tone-deaf media whore who doesn’t know thing one about saving the environment.

I mean, think about all that plastic in her face; was it recycled from someone else in the family? Uh huh.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

It looks like former Husband-in-My-head Armie Hammer’s film career is now officially over.

Word comes that, after been dropped by his talent agency, WME, and his publicist, after being replaced by Josh Duhamel in Shotgun Wedding, after having his offer rescinded by producers of The Offer, and with the already finished Death on The Nile perhaps never being released, he was “let go” from a movie called Billion Dollar Spy—the last remaining film on Hammer’s slate.

And it gets worse … earlier this month it was revealed that the LAPD is investigating Hammer for sexual assault stemming from an accusation of “violent rape and physical abuse” by a woman known only as Effie, who is thought to be the person behind the Instagram account  that began Armie’s fall from  grace.

And again, while you might wanna give him some benefit of the doubt about all these accusations, remember he has never denied them, but has only complained only about being kink-shamed … right out of a film career.

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Tori Spelling has built a very lucrative career off having kids and not paying her credit card bills, so it’s not surprising that the very thirsty for attention Spelling did something stupid last week.

On April 1—which is, in Tori’s world Act A Fool Day AKA every day—she posted a photo to Instagram of herself with an obvious “baby bump” along with the caption “No. 6” implying she is pregnant once again:

Kind of a stupid joke, and in any way you slice it, not really funny, because a mother who can’t pay her credit card bills should think long and hard before having a sixth child, and to joke about being pregnant is kind of offensive to women who cannot conceive. So, Instagram lashed back at Spelling for being dense, though Tori is so dense that she says the post isn’t her fault …

“Every week, magazine and press outlets ask if I’m pregnant. To set the record straight, I am not. The fact is, after my fifth baby, my body did not bounce back like it had before. That’s when the constant questions of “yet another” pregnancy first began. Unless you’re in the public eye, it is hard to understand what it feels like to be body shamed so publicly. I feel like I have to constantly defend my body when instead, I should be honoring it for the miracle of life it gave me five times. I know pregnancy is an extreme blessing. And I would never intentionally poke fun at losing a child or not being able to carry one. I myself have miscarried. My post was to simply turn the tables for once on the press. They constantly create wild and often hurtful stories about me, my body and my family. For those of you who are hurt, I hear you, I love you. I welcome your stories and I will try my best to be there to support you. Please accept this as a virtual hug to my entire community.”

What a load of bull shit. It’s the media’s fault? The media often body shamed her as looking pregnant because she didn’t lose her body weight as fast as she had before so she posts a picture of herself looking pregnant, or overweight, and claims she’s pregnant? Nice try, Tori. You posted the photo. You called it No. 6. You did this.

The shame isn’t on your body it’s on your lack of having a fully functioning brain and being so desperate for attention you can’t stop to think how idiotic and ridiculous and rude and offensive you are.

Now, just go pay your bills and leave the world alone.

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Khloé Kardastrophe has served so many different looks over the years, from new hair, new eyes, new chin, new nose; she’s gone from looking like a Khloé to a Beyonce to Jessica Alba using fillers, filters, and whatever Black Magic Photoshop she can find. But one thing she will not tolerate, nor will any member of That Klan, is an actual, unretouched photo … which may explain why she’s channeling her inner Beyonce—remember when she tried to scrub the internet of her Superbowl Ugly Performance Face—to rid the internet of this recent photo:

[Love to show it to you, but the Kardastrophes cried ‘Copyright Infringement’ and the picture is now gone]

Rumor has it the photo—which is an authentic photo taken in what looks like the backyard of That Woman’s home—was never meant to be shared outside The Klan, but it begs the question why would you share it inside The Klan, who sell themselves every day for social media clicks? But one person did share it and has ALLEGEDLY been threatened with legal action for posting it, except that person ALLEGEDLY got the photo from Khloé’s grandmother, Mary Jo “MJ” Shannon.

So, what does Khloé do? She immediately posts this posed, edited, filtered photo on the web to try and diminish the response to the first pic:

But here’s another thing: Tracy Romulus, chief marketing officer for KKW Brands, says that while the photo of Khloé is real, and she looks beautiful in it, it was taken without permission by mistake by an assistant, and so it must be taken down. Sounds to me like an awful lot of effort for a photo everyone agrees is real, and shows Khloé looking so, um, beautiful.

But then because, of course, the Kardastrophe’s know that any publicity is good publicity, and so they will keep the story going, Khloé Kardastrophe, herself, has a few words something wrote for her to say about all this:

“In truth, the pressure, constant ridicule and judgment my entire life to be perfect and to meet other’s standards of how I should look has been too much to bear. ‘Khloé is the fat sister.’ ‘Khloé is the ugly sister.’ ‘Her dad must not be her real dad because she looks so different.’ ‘The only way she could have lost that weight must have been from surgery.' You never quite get used to being judged and pulled apart and told how unattractive one is, but I will say if you hear anything enough then you will start to believe it. This is how I have been conditioned to feel, that I am not beautiful enough just being me.”

Um, that’s a nice word salad, except we already know that everyone in the family says she looks beautiful in the picture, and no one who saw the picture said “fat” or “ugly” or “her dad isn’t her dad,” they simply said, “once again Khloé doesn’t look anything like Khloé.”:

But that retouched, filtered, Photoshopped one looks exactly like Khloé … wants you to believe she looks.

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And now, for some hot beefy ass … Christopher Meloni’s very nice posterior was recently seen in Brooklyn as he filmed scenes for his new show, Law & Order: Organized Crime. And everyone knows that a Meloni melon is always a pleasure to see, though they are few and far between. But this one was captured while Meloni was doing some kind of stretching move and his pants strained to keep his cakes in check:

And the photo caused such a stir on Twitter, that even one Christopher Meloni was compelled to offer an explanation:

I love that he has fun with this, almost as much I love looking at his gorgeous backside.

Just sayin’.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Candace Cameron Bure appeared on the The Paula Faris Podcast, but not to talk about her jailbird co-star from Fuller House, Lori Loughlin, or her lunatic, Christian wingnut anti-masker brother, Kirk Cameron, but about Hallmark movies. And she got a little hot under the collar when Faris suggested that acting in a Hallmark Channel movie was an easy job:

“I get that all the time. ‘How hard is it to be in a Hallmark movie?’ Like, ‘Can I be in a Hallmark movie?’ And I’m like, ‘Are you a professional actor?’ ‘No.’ ‘Then no, you cannot.’ … You can be a background person, they’re called extras. If you don’t have a speaking part, that’s easy. I can make that happen. If you have a speaking part, then we’re gonna have to make sure you can do the job.”

Seriously Candy? The plots are interchangeable from actor to actor, and from season to season. I mean, perhaps you’re working harder now that Lori ‘Big Fuller House Becky’ Loughlin is banned for being a jailbird, but what you do isn’t acting; it’s reading.

Take a seat, Meryl.

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Well, it appears that Armie Hammer’s star is continuing to fall in light of his “kinks” like, ALLEGEDLY, cannibalism and, not so ALLEGEDLY, carving his initials into the skin of his sex partners.

This week, as the stories continue to grow, both Armie’s publicist, and his agents at William Morris Endeavor dumped him as a client. Now, I imagine the publicist left because how can you handle this mess when it appears your client doesn’t deny anything and merely whines about being outed, and “kink shamed” on the internet.

But the WME situation is a bit more telling. See, about a month after Instagram user House of Effie and other women accused Hammer of being, not just kinky, but  mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive and ignoring boundaries and safe words, his agent dropped Armie’s ass after another round of DMs from the Instagram user leaked in which Armie tells her that he’s got some blackmail material on his agent.

And right after those came out, the agent said:

“It’s not me, it’s you.”

And changed his phone number.

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How do you say, in the English, ‘too late, Hilaria Baldwin.’?

In today’s episode of Hillary/Hilaria, Mrs. Baldwin—if that’s how it’s pronounced in English—issued another apology for lying about being Spanish and not being “more clear” about her cultural background:

“I’ve spent the last month listening, reflecting, and asking myself how I can learn and grow. My parents raised my brother and me with two cultures, American and Spanish, and I feel a true sense of belonging to both. The way I’ve spoken about myself and my deep connection to two cultures could have been better explained—I should have been more clear and I’m sorry.”

Um, Hil? Try saying it like this: I am not now, nor have I ever been Spanish. I have only, always and ever been a privileged, spoiled white girl from Massachusetts.

And then sit down.

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Paris Hilton is in love, again, and apparently ready to squeeze out some designer twins, via IVF, with her latest fiancé, businessman Carter Reum. But when you’ve had as many boyfriends and fiancés as Paris, what exactly do you get the latest for his birthday?

A nearly life-sized portrait of the two of them. All that money and she basically enlarged a selfie? And then the happy couple posed like their photographic altar egos while Carter mused about finding a wall large enough for the gift.

There are four walls in a dumpster, Carter.

Just sayin’.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Apparently actress and director Olivia Wilde has zero fucks to give and has implemented a strict No Assholes policy on the set of her movies, including her most recent directorial outing, “Don’t Worry Darling.”

That story came to light last September when word broke that Shia LaBeouf had been replaced by Harry Styles due to a scheduling conflict, when in fact Wilde fired him because, well, asshole:

“The no assholes policy, it puts everybody on the same level,” Wilde concluded. “I also noticed as an actress for years how the hierarchy of the set separated the actors from the crew in this very strange way that serves no one…I think actors would actually like to know more about what’s happening there when you’re pulling my focus? What is that lens change? But the idea of, don’t bother the actors and keep them separate, and don’t look at them. I think it makes everyone quite anxious.”

And so she removed “asshole” LaBeouf’s from “Don’t Worry Darling” and replaced him with Harry Styles, except … rumor also has it that Harry Styles is responsible for the breakup last fall of Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis, so maybe she has a “no asshole, replace with my new trick” policy?

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It looks like Kim Kardastrophe West and Kanye Kardastrophe West‘s “separate lives” nonsense has taken another teeny-weeny baby step towards divorce as reports have come out that the two no longer even speak to each other.

Oh.The.Terror.

It was a few weeks back when we learned that KK was no longer wearing her ring, and now we learned that Kanye just moved 500 pairs of shoes out of their Calabasas mansion.

Oh.The.Humanity.

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I’ll start off by saying that I have a wee crush on Adam Driver—seriously, who don’t I have a crush on—though he’s not what you might call classically handsome; he just has something. So, this story piqued my interest.

Driver has been in the gossip columns this week because he was accused of assaulting 73-year-old Lidia Franco, his co-start in Terry Gilliam’s The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. Franco about her experience on set in a recent interview that was conducted in Portuguese and ALLEGEDLY the English translation of her quotes caused lots of confusion on social media.

In the initial interview, Franco seemingly accused Adam Driver of attacking her with a chair, and also claimed that extras and crew members were ordered not to look at him or even be around him when they weren’t filming. Both Gilliam and the production company have said none of these stories are true, and now, ALLEGEDLY, the rumors are being blamed on bad translations.

In a statement, Franco now says she was never assaulted by Driver, and that he never threw a chair at her, but, in a scene they filmed together:

“Our characters … had to be physically close. I considered the actor’s [she can’t even say his name?] behavior to be rude because, in the preparation of a scene, he didn’t take the care I believe he should have taken … and every time he stood up with the force of the character to do the rest of the scene, the chair in which he was sitting would bump into me with some force, which bothered me.”

Now, she claims that in the original interview she was just venting, though somehow she turned a bump into an assault.

I looked up the Portuguese translation for ‘Karen.’

It’s Karen.

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Meanwhile, on the Armie Hammer front … while he has remained fairly quiet after several women came forward and accused of all kinds of physical and sexual abuse, and perhaps even cannibalism, The Daily Mail  was given messages and audio of Armie whining about how he’s being “kink shamed” by the internet and how women are now offering up their body parts for him to eat.

The Daily Mail says that a woman, who wished to remain anonymous, claims she started talking to Armie in December on Instagram. Armie shared all of his fantasies with her and tried to get her to join in. And then came all these allegations and Armie ALLEGEDLY cried and whined to this female friend that he was being “kink shamed.” Oh, and he bragged that he’s been getting lots and lots of offers from “girls who said I can eat pieces of them.”

But wait there’s more. Armie sent voice notes to this woman where he says:

“I wanna hear about each orgasm. I want you to tell me how it felt like. How strong it was. How long it lasted. Those are mine, don’t forget, so you have to tell me everything.”

The ick factor rises like bile in my throat.

On the upside, I recently rewatched Jagged Edge with Glenn Close and Jeff Bridges and I realized how much like Jeff Bridges in the 80s reminds me of my former flame, Armie. So, when I hear more sickening tales of Armie’s perversions I will simply think of Jeff Bridges from 1987.

Crisis averted!

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

A brief history …

Back in 1995, Pamela Anderson married Tommy Lee four days after they met; that marriage ended in 1998.

That same year, she became engaged to Swedish model, Marcus Schenkenberg, but they never reached the altar, and their relationship ended in 2001.

In 2006, Pammy married and divorced Kid Rock.

In  2007, she married producer Rick Salomon and then had the marriage annulled in 2008.

In 2013 or 2014, Pammy again married Salomon and then divorced him in 2015.

In 2020 Pammy “married” movie mogul Jon Peters and that union ended after twelve days. To be fair, it was not considered legal since they never finalized their marriage certificate.

And now she’s done it again … on Christmas Eve, Pammy married her bodyguard, Dan Hayhurst, marking her sixth marriage and fifth husband if you count Jon Peters–-which Pammy does not.

Two marriages in one year. That’s our Pammy.

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Alec Baldwin has quit Twitter and Twitter has heaved a huge sigh of relief. And all because Twitter came for his wife, the formerly Spanish-born and bred and raised Hilaria, er, Hillary, and that’s just not fair.

Alec said Twitter is like being a party where everyone is screaming and that it’s just not fun anymore.

Funny that, because it’s usually Alec doing the screaming … at people on the streets … at paparazzi … at his own child.

Bye Alec. But could you take Hilaria, er, Hillary with you?

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He is no longer a Husband-In-My-Head, but the Armie Hammer ickiness doesn’t seem to be ending,  and so here we are …

Hammer, who has claimed he’s ‘100% a cannibal’ in Instagram messages to women, has been accused by Paige Lorenze, a second ex-girlfriend of carving the letter ‘A’ into her skin of her nether region, and then licking the blood from the wound. Paige even shared a photo of her ‘A is for Armie’ scar, but I ain’t sharin’ that shiz.

But it’s even worse, according to Lorenze. She says Hammer is an out-of-control narcissistic sexual deviant who seemed fixated on biting her body, begging that she allow him to take lumps of flesh from her arm, before consuming them. She says Armie would tie her up, hit her with paddles and a series of painful sexual moves that left her covered in bruises.

Now, for Armie’s side, or at least his side as told through his lawyer:

“These assertions about Mr. Hammer are patently untrue. Any interactions with this person, or any partner of his, were completely consensual in that they were fully discussed, agreed upon, and mutually participatory, the stories being perpetuated in the media are a misguided attempt to present a one-sided narrative with the goal of tarnishing Mr. Hammer’s reputation, and communications from the individuals involved prove that.”

Huh. It doesn’t seem to say the story isn’t true, it just seems to say the rough sex, the mutilation and the blood drinking were consensual.

Sorry Armie, ain’t buying it.

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Oh Demi, what have you done now?

The 58-year-old former actress and model hit the runway as part of Fendi’s Spring-Summer 2021 collection during Fashion Week in Paris, France. She modeled a look from British designer Kim Jones, in his first ever Couture Collection for Fendi.

And it appears she unveiled a new face?

Now, to be fair, I cannot tell if it’s make-up, or maybe Botox,  spackle and fillers, or one of those Terry Gilliam's Brazil plastic surgeries, but 2020 Demi looks startling different than 2010 Demi.

Scary, even.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Am I going to have to edit the My-Husband-In-My-Head list and remove longtime favorite Armie Hammer?

Y’all know that Armie Hammer split from his wife, Elizabeth Chambers, last July, after ALLEGATIONS surfaced that he was cheating with his Rebecca co-star Lily James … who was later accused of cheating with yet another co-star Dominic West, from a different film. Now that doesn’t mean Armie’s off the list, but it ALLEGEDLY gets way uglier about Mr. Hammer.

Women have come forward with DMs ALLEGEDLY sent by Armie, and they tell stories of how he likes drinking the blood of his sex partners, of killing an animal to eat its heart and taking what were initially consensual sex acts with women he called “Kittens” to peak levels of abuse. And rumors abound that Armie was fired from the upcoming JLo bomb, Shotgun Wedding, over these troubling ALLEGATIONS.

Hammer says he chose to leave the movie so he could stay with his kids in the Cayman Islands during this difficult time, but … according to those close to Hammer he hasn’t been with his family at all, and only communicates with his estranged wife through their attorneys.

Not so bad. People cheat all the time. Not enough to scrub him from the list, though those blood drinking ALLEGATIONS are creepy. But while in the Caymans Armie has bragged to his buddies about having a lingerie-clad woman, on all fours,  waiting for him in his hotel:

“Well… my ex [for a very good reason] wife is refusing to come back to america [sic] with my children. So I have to go back to Cayman… which sucks. Except there are a few silver linings. Like f**king Ms. Cayman again while I’m down there.”

Note: the Miss Cayman Islands Universe Committee has denied that it is the reigning Miss Cayman Mariah Tibbetts, or anybody affiliated with the contest.

And he’s boasted about taking DMT, a hallucinogenic drug that goes undetected in drug tests, in leaked videos from his private Instagram account when he also shared a screenshot of what looked like a court order that he takes drug tests, and passes them, before he can see his children:

“All negative, b***hes. My body is a finely tuned toxicant processing unit. To be fair I had THC and benzos in my piss. But who doesn’t. Divorce is so fun. Not as fun as drugs. But what is.”

I dunno … I see an eraser headed to my Husband list, especially given this part: Armie Hammer might be into cannibalism.

There, I said it.

Last July, ALLEGED DMs sent to various women from Armie made the rounds in which he was DTF while still married. Some of the women, whom he called ‘Kitten’ and himself ‘Daddy’ shared the ALLEGED Hammer DMs.

And in the DMs were disturbing stories that ‘Daddy’ gets hard thinking about holding a woman’s heart in his hands … that ‘Daddy’ demands to drink their blood … that ‘Daddy’ is a cannibal … that ‘Daddy’—and, again, it’s ALLEGED to be Armie—has cut an animal’s heart out and eaten it.

To make matters worse, Jessica Ciencin Henriquez, who dated Armie last year after he separated from his wife, showed support for those speaking out:

“If you are still questioning whether or not those Armie Hammer DMs are real (and they are) maybe you should start questioning why we live in a culture willing to give abusers the benefit of the doubt instead of victims.”

And, also ALLEGEDLY, the soon-to-be ex-wife, Elizabeth Chambers, seems to believe the victims, and feels her husband “no longer values” their family.

Last week, another of Armie’s exes, Courtney Vucekovich, shared her Hammer  experiences with Page Six, saying Armie was emotionally abusive, obsessive, into drinking and drugs, and manipulated her into sex acts she wouldn’t mention.

Oh, and this, too:

“He said to me he wants to break my rib and barbecue and eat it … He says, I want to take a bite out of you. If I had a little cut on my hand he’d like suck it or lick it. He likes the idea of skin in his teeth.”

Vucekovich says she wasn’t surprised when the DM screenshots were released:

“He enters your life in such a big way. He’s such a captivating person. He has such a presence and he’s aware of that and he uses it in such a way that most women would think, ‘Oh my gosh this is amazing,’ but especially young women, that’s kind of the scary part—how good he is at active manipulation and making you feel like he’s never felt this way about anybody. He quickly grooms you in the relationship. He kind of captivates you and while being charming he’s grooming you for these things that are darker and heavier and consuming. When I say consuming, I mean mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, just everything.”

Vucekovish says Armie became obsessive, spending three weeks by her side 24/7, and when they weren’t together, he texted her 100 times a day. She calls him “the most broken” person she’s ever met, constantly drinking and doing drugs and putting her in very dangerous situations:

“You end up doing things that are very out-of-character for you, including sex acts.”

But Vucekovich won’t go into specifics about the sex, because she doesn’t want the lurid details to overshadow how Hammer’s emotional abuse affected her. She says their relationship was like “drowning in this dark hole trying to stay afloat” and that after they split, she began having panic attacks, struggled to breathe, and eventually checked into a 30-day hospitalization program for PTSD and trauma.

Armie’s reps didn’t respond to requests for comment on Vucekovich’s story but he did apologize to the Miss Cayman pageant saying the ‘stolen’ photo of the woman in his bed on all fours waiting for ‘Daddy’ was not Miss Cayman.

I guess I need to get that eraser out …

Note to the world: there’s a new opening on the Husband-In-My-Head List. ALLEGED cannibals need not apply.

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Wendy Williams had been dealing with a lot for a while … her husband’s new baby with another woman … her divorce … her sobriety issues … and now the death of her mother, Shirley, and fight with her brother, Tommy.

It seems that Tommy has been dragging Wendy on social media, saying she din’t ven bother to go to her mother’s funeral. He says Wendy made an appearance at the with her son, and then spilled the tea that even Wendy’s ex-husband, Kevin Hunter Sr., attended the burial:

“What makes somebody not go to their mother’s funeral? I don’t understand not giving a salute to the one person who was always there and showed you support. I don’t get how you can just move on and act like nothing happened.”

Well, Wendy heard about this and, as Wendy does, went in for the jugular:

“I was just searching to see what people had to say about last week’s shows or the dresses or the guests we had … I’m minding my own  business and I’m seeing a lot of comments about “you’re brother doesn’t like you” or “you better watch your back because your brother is on one’ or “Wendy, I can’t believe you’re this kind of person.”

Okay, not so bad. Perhaps Wendy learned to take the high road, except:

“Tommy, let me tell you something right now—all you are is my brother. You better stop talking the way you’re talking because now it’s dripping into my comment page… He’s pegging me to be a person I am not. Honey, you don’t want me to start pegging you to be the person that you are—with full-blown receipts. I could fill the audience with receipts with the leftovers all the way around the block … You are my brother, let’s keep it that way. If you want to talk on the internet then you talk about the things that you think you know about yourself. You don’t want to talk about the things I know about you … for sure… By the way, do you like my dress, Tommy?”

Wendy then rubbed the fur sleeves on her dress and said:

“Tommy would love a dress like this.”

There you have it. Wendy didn’t like being called out and so she suggested her brother is maybe gay … and seemed to suggest that's a bad thing, or something to be ashamed of ... or likes to wear women’s clothes?

Oh, Wendy, why can’t you ever just keep your mouth shut and save us from your dirty laundry?

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We don’t hear much about Russell Crowe lately, but when we do, it’s kinda funny.

This story involves his 2003 film Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, and in full disclosure, I have never seen it. Apparently it’s about ships and the old days and Russell being a commander?

Yeah, I’ll pass, and according to one Ian McNabb, of the UK, it’s a great film … for napping. Ian took to Twitter with this:

“Lots of folk complaining about lack of sleep during the Pandemic. May I recommend Master And Commander starring the usually captivating, attention-grabbing Russell Crowe. I've never made it past the ten minute mark. You're welcome. And thanks Russell.”

Well, Russell turned all Wendy Williams on Ian and Tweeted:

“That’s the problem with kids these days. No focus. Peter Weirs film is brilliant. An exacting, detail oriented, epic tale of fidelity to Empire & service, regardless of the cost. Incredible cinematography by Russell Boyd & a majestic soundtrack. Definitely an adults movie.”

Ouch. Age-shamming, Russell? Trouble is, Ian is a grown-assed man and a UK film critic, who Tweeted back:

“Thanks Russell. I'm 60 but I get your point. Love Unhinged. Greetings from Liverpool, Ian.”

Of note is that the “kid” Russell was coming for is actually older than Russell.

Perhaps we can get Wendy and Russell in the same Take Your Spats Into Private accountability group?

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