Bobservations

The other night Carlos nodded off in the evening and began snoring … like a chain saw … so loud that Rosita jumped from his lap and went to the back of the house … so rough that his head was vibrating like the couch came with an electric massage option … and when I said:

“Sweetie pie, go to bed. You’re snoring.”

And he said:

“I wasn’t asleep.”

Seriously.

This Tuxedo Says is from October 2020 … If you were looking for a good reason to vote, Tuxedo says you should think of it like this:

I have recently learned that crows can hold a grudge against a person for over 17 years and I have officially found my spirit animal.

Oh, and this is my bird call … and, yes, that’s the little dance I do.

The other day at The Adventures of Travel Penguin and he was discussing foods from his recent trip across the pond, specifically Haggis. I replied that I might try Haggis and then call it done, but it got me to thinking about trying new things so I asked people at work and they were less than enthused. Not one would try Haggis, or Sushi, or Offal, or Raw Oysters, and I berated them … politely … saying you should try something at least one before saying never, and a co-worker asked me:

“So, then you've had had sex with a woman?”

“Nope. There are times when you just know.”

I mean, as I like to say, the last time I was near a vagina I was being born, but that’s just me.

Apparently there’s a new word cruising the halls of DC and one reporter dared to use the word at The Felon’s press conference when she asked him about TACO … Trump Always Chickens Out. You know, because the tariffs are on, the tariffs are off; the tariffs are 150%, the tariffs are 50% ...

And the bloated gasbag had a fit and gargled and bubbled and stumbled over his word … singular … but did manage to confuse tariff with tax.

TACO.

Of note, Harvard has never been shut down for fraud, but The Felon’s eponymous university? Yeah, not so much.

First Lady and nude model, Melanie, is using AI to record the audio version of the book she wrote plagiarized:

“I am honored to bring you Melania—The  AI Audiobook—narrated entirely using artificial intelligence in my own voice.”

When I think of Melanie I do think “artificial” but I never think “intelligence.”

I love me some Kelly Clarkson because the girl can saaaaang … and can sing almost any genre. Still I was stunned when she trotted out this macabre and dark take on ‘If I Only Had a Brain’ from The Wizard of Oz.

Brilliant.

Ryan Ball is a model … that’s all I can find … but he looks good in clothes and out of clothes so, Would You Hit It?

Why Is It ...

… that no one realizes that if you mess with me, I will lock you in the trunk of my car, and then help people look for you.

… that I can tell if someone is judgemental just by looking at them.

… that I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning and realized that my charisma will be doing most of the heavy lifting today.

… that my patience is like a  gift card; I’m not sure how much is left but give it a try.

… that I have officially reached the age where I don’t know if I injured myself or of that’s just how I am from now on.

… that every time I try to make a protein shake it turns into a margarita?

… that if I ever forget my safe word, I just call out someone else’s name? Because it works every time.

… that I cringe at so many things I say out loud and yet I will not stop talking.

Why Is It ...

… that I feel like everything happens for a reason, and sometimes think the reason is because I’m dumb and make bad choices?

… that I forget someone’s name about ten seconds after meeting them?

… that I make plans and then instantly regret making plans?

… that I felt the need to sage my home against some bad juju and the next morning I woke up outside?

… that since I found out make-up sex was better than regular sex, all I do is start shiz?

… that you can stick the word ‘absolute’ in front of literally any noun and make up a top-notch insult, you absolute carrot.

… that I am 100% sure my last words will be, “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

Bobservations

There are times when I fell the universe conspire against me and last Sunday night was no exception.

Somebody up there doesn’t like me.

It all began when we had a bad storm come through without warning. The winds whipped, the rains fell, a tree came down across the driveway; and the power went out at about 8PM.

Carlos and I sat in romantic battery-powered candlelight for a couple of hours before deciding to just go to bed. I had not been feeling well …a Summer cold exacerbated by the fact that our AC broke one day last week and the house was 91 degrees inside when we got home; that was an easy fix, and all was cool the next day.

But now, on Sunday, I have a fever, the power is out, there is no AC and no ceiling fans, and I can’t sleep. I’m thinking about the food in the refrigerator and how it’s going bad with each hour without power; I’m hearing to dog whimper because he needs to go out; I hear Carlos snoring, fast asleep and wonder how long it will take him to stop if I hold a pillow over his face; I think about how late it’s getting and how I’ll be so tired the next day.

In other words, I can’t sleep. At all.

Around 2AM I get up and get a washcloth; I dampen it with cold water and get back into bed, laying it across my forehead to beat the heat in my head. It’s starting to work … I’m getting tired, my mind is not racing, I don’t hear the dog, I don’t care about the fridge. I …am … just … about …to … fall … asleep ….

The power comes back on and all the lights that went off are now back on and for some reason the stereo received connected to the TV has come on and is blaring that static noise at a volume you might hear on an airplane runway. I bolt upright and jump out of bed. I run through the house turning off lights and turning off receivers and quieting the dog.

In the distance, down the hallway, I see a shadow of the man I love, rubbing his eyes, and asking:

“Is the power back on?”

I reach for that pillow.

Sometimes I just have to shake my head … twenty-three-year-old Kansas man, Ryan Malek, was arrested and charged with lewd and lascivious behavior for his repeated attempts to have sex with …

… the tailpipe of a parked car.

Local police answered a 911 call about a man underneath a vehicle and arrived on scene to find Malek trying to put his penis into the tailpipe of a car.

Malek, whose blood alcohol content topped out at more than four times the legal limit, continued trying to have sex with the tailpipe in the presence of officers until they used a taser to stop the vehicular sexual assault.

Like I said, I’m shaking my head.

In a Tuesday Thought I mentioned #PermitPatty, AKA Alison Ettel, the woman who called police on 8-year-old Jordan Rogers, a San Francisco girl, hoping to sell water to baseball fans in front of her apartment building.

Erin Austin, Jordan’s mother, captured it on her cell phone and posted it to Instagram. Ettel, who can be seen on her phone calling police, tries to hide when she realizes she’s being recorded.

Now known virally as #PermitPatty, Ettel has been described as not unlike so-called #BBQBecky, the woman who called police on a black family having a cookout in an Oakland park.

Ettel claims she politely asked Jordan to sell the water more quietly:

“Please, I’m trying to work. You’re screaming, you’re yelling.”

But then why not call the police for disturbing the peace? Why call the police because Jordan was selling water?

Oh yeah, racism.

Poor Sarah Huckleberry Sanders. The White House Press Secretary Liar, says she was asked to leave the Red Hen restaurant in Virginia, because …

“Last night I was told by the owner of Red Hen in Lexington, VA to leave because I work for @POTUS and I politely left. Her actions say far more about her than about me. I always do my best to treat people, including those I disagree with, respectfully and will continue to do so”

Awful; but now she knows how gay couples feel when someone won’t bake them a cake for their wedding … something her boss endorses.

Now she knows how it feels to be a transgender American and told you are not allowed to serve in the military …something her boss endorses.

Now she knows how it feels to be Muslim in America, Mexican in America, and Black in America and work for a man who thinks those folks are less than.

Take a seat, Sarah, there’s always Chick-fil-A.

Stephanie Wilkinson, owner of the Red Hen, explains why she booted Huckleberry: anti-gay and anti-trans bias in this White House.

Several Red Hen employees are gay and knew Sanders has defended Trump’s desire to bar transgender people from the military. Wilkinson asked them to tell her what to do and they all agreed she should be asked to leave.

And Wilkinson says she’d do it again.

Now, to be fair, I am no fan of any discrimination, but when you work for such a racist, transphobic, homophobic, anti-Muslim boss, you kinda get what you deserve.

Remember when Ivanka _____ Tweeted about how much of an ally she was to the LGBTQ community?

Yeah, that was a lie. I mean, go figure.

Last week Complicit gave a $50,000 personal donation to Pastor Jack Graham of the Prestonwood Baptist Church; Graham is a member of _____’s Religious Advisory Council and has a long history of anti-LGBT activism:

In 2014, Graham worked to repeal a non-discrimination ordinance in Plano, Texas.

In 2015, Graham lashed at out the Supreme Court for marriage equality.

In 2016, just before the election, Graham stood by after the “pussy groping” remarks.

In 2017, following the deadly “Unite the Right” rally in Charlottesville, Graham stood by _____ even after Hair Furor claimed that there were “fine people” among the white nationalists.

And now he’s got Ivanka’s support.

Ivanka? Kindly fuck off.

Womp. Womp.

Former _____ campaign manager Corey Lewandowski has been dropped by his speaker’s bureau after dismissing the story of a 10-year-old girl with Down syndrome who was reportedly separated from her mother after crossing the border illegally.

After his idiotic remarks, Leading Authorities, Inc., one of DC’s top speaker’s bureaus, severed ties with Lewandowski and his name no longer appears on the bureau’s website.

Womp.Womp.

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane is rich and outspoken, and works for Fox. But that didn’t stop him from taking a swing at Fox News after Tucker Carlson had advised viewers not to believe anything they hear or see on a rival networks’ news program about the separation of immigrant families and to believe that Fox News is always telling the truth.

MacFralane Tweeted:

“This is fringe shit, and it’s business like this that makes me embarrassed to work for this company.”

And then he put his money where his mouth is and donated $2 million to support NPR’s Collaborative Journalism Network and another $500,000 to NPR’s membership station in Los Angeles, KPCC.

Nice. Now if he’d just take his show off Fox and hit them in the wallet.

The Cher Show, the musical based on Cher’s life starring three Chers … three Chers … (at different points in her life, is currently trying out in Chicago before heading to Broadway and this week the real Cher.

After the show, a reporter asked what she thought and, well, Cher being Cher, gave her thoughts:

“Some parts of it are really fabulous. We’re going to work on the other parts. In many parts, it was much, much better than I thought it would be. And there were no parts where I wanted to gouge my eyes out. It needs work. I’m not supposed to say that but I don’t care.”

Listen, it’s Cher, bitches, and she ain’t playing. Fix the parts that bored her or face the wrath of Cher and Cher fans.

Consider yourselves warned.

This past weekend we watched Man in An Orange Shirt on PBS’ Masterpiece. It’s the tale of two love stories, sixty years apart, that charts the changes and challenges in gay lives in England—from the era of jail terms to the onset of dating apps. It was beautifully shot, and sweet and sad and heartbreaking and hopeful and, naturally, had some hotties.

Oliver Jackson-Cohen [above]—whom I have featured here before, and who reminds me of a Brit Armie Hammer—played half the love interest in a story set in the days after WWII when being gay was a criminal offense.

The second story starred Julian Morris, below, as the Jackson-Cohen character’s gay grandson and his path through dating apps to finding love with Steven, played by David Gyasi, bottom. 

Like I said, sweet, sad, heartbreaking, hopeful. And hot.

Just sayin’.

Bobservations

At our work Christmas party, a friend, “Maureen”, received a text from another co-worker, “Betty”. “Betty” was texting from across the room to see if “Maureen” would be interested in a three-way with “Betty” and her boyfriend “Clyde.” “Maureen” replied, ‘Ma’am, no thanks.’ and “Betty” replied that she’d been doing a lot of going down on women lately and was told she was very good.

“Maureen” again replied ‘Ma’am, no thank you.’

When “Maureen” told me, I said that “Carlos”—wait, I don’t need those quotes—Carlos and I wanted her for a three-way and she said, “Whaaaat?”

I replied, “Oh, not to be in it with us, we’ll get another guy for that, but you know, maybe you could bring us snacks and water to keep us hydrated and all.”

Carlos, when I told him, simply shook his head and said, “Why do you say these things?”

There is no answer for that.

Last week, White House Press Tool, Sarah Huckleberry Sanders, appeared on Fox’s The Ingraham Angle to respond to recent attacks against her—especially from MSNBC’S Mike Brzezinski—who say she lies every time her lips flap. And Huckleberry said:

“I think it’s sad they’re attacking a lot of us while claiming to champion women’s causes and women’s issues.”

Thus says the women who called those women who say ____ sexually harassed them ‘liars.’Then Huckleberry was asked if the Fat Bastard ever wanted her to say something that she was uncomfortable with:

“If there was ever a moment that I was uncomfortable doing something, I wouldn’t do it. That’s not part of who I am. And this president’s not going to ask me to do something I’m not comfortable with.”

There you have it, a woman, raising children of her own, is completely comfortable with calling victims of sexual harassment, assault and rape, ‘liars.’

There’s a special place in hell … 

My favorite actor, Daniel Day-Lewis’ last film is coming out and it’s called Phantom Thread. 

Am I the only one that thinks it’s a Star Wars movie?

Last year at the Oscars Brie Larson refused to applaud when ALLEGED sexual harasser Casey Affleck won; and Armie Hammer took the academy to task for nominating Affleck, but ignoring Nate Parker and his Birth of a Nation because he was acquitted of an ALLEGED rape.

This year, with the #MeToo movement building steam, many women at awards shows will be dressing in all black as a sign of solidarity.

Let the men know that the decades of harassment and assault are over.

Remember when folks commented on the Fat Bastard’s tiny hands and he was all kerfuffled and muttered something suggesting he has a large dick—when we all know he is a large dick?

Well, there’s the proof of the tiny hands … _____ using both of them to drink from a bottle of water.

Last Sunday we took Ozzo to Rectory Square Park to let him run wild, and naturally he peed on the fence just as we entered.

I said, "God, he's gotta leave his mark."

Carlos said, "He's just signing in so other dogs will know he was here."

Last week Matthew Petersen, a ______ judicial nominee, stunned America, and the world, when he could not answer ONE SINGLE QUESTION on the rule of law; and he did this right after admitting he had exactly zero relevant experience to become a federal judge.

This week Peterson withdrew his nomination because, well, stupid.

Oh Rosie, sometimes you are a tool …

Former talk show host Rosie O’Donnell proudly and openly attempted to bribe Republican Senators Tuesday night to change their vote on the GOP Tax Scam and that is a felony.

O’Donnell offered “2 million to any GOP senator who votes no” on the bill but not one Republicans took her up on her offer.

Not smart, Rosie, and even if it wasn’t a crime, do we want the richest Americans bribing our elected officials? I mean, isn’t that what corporations and lobbyists are for?

Seriously, though, it was a stupid thing to do, O’Donnell.

A little palate cleanser …

We watched a movie called Split in which James McAvoy played a man with 23 personalities, and one of those kidnapped three girls. McAvoy was brilliant at switching from one personality to another, often in a single line of dialogue. That said, he is also not heard on the eyes, at least in real life.

We also watch Good Behavior because it’s nice to see Downton Abby’s Lady Mary playing a drug addicted thief, but, well, also because the Latino men on the show are hot … and murderous … like Juan Riedinger, who played killer Teo and who … SPOILER ALERT …was killed his week.

He was hot while he lasted.

In other palate cleanser news … when baseball player Cole Hamels was traded from the Philadelphia Phillies to the Texas Rangers in 2015, he and his wife Heidi had been building a mansion near Branson, Missouri. But then Hamels decided to move to Texas full time so what to do with their $9.75 million house?

Well, instead of selling it, the Hamels’ donated it to a Branson-area non-profit organization called Camp Barnabas that offers day camp programs for kids with chronic illnesses and special needs, matching each camper with their own volunteer and offering scholarships so no kid is turned away. And to make sure they can accommodate every kid regardless of any kind of need, they have a full medical facility on staff with doctors and nurses. 

Hamels said:

“There are tons of amazing charities in Southwest Missouri. Out of all of these, Barnabas really pulled on our heartstrings. Seeing the faces, hearing the laughter, reading the stories of the kids they serve; there is truly nothing like it. Barnabas makes dreams come true, and we felt called to help them in a big way.”

The 32,000-square foot mansion sits on 100 acres, and is the largest gift in the history of the organization.

Nice going Hamels family, nice going.

Random Musings

After the attack in Manchester this week, our President-For-Now came out strong against ISIS ...

He called them “losers.”

Yes, nothing strike fear into the hearts of an international terror organization, that has just murdered children, faster than having a bloated bullying billionaire call them “losers.”

Stunted narcissistic asshat.

PS You promised to get rid of ISIS in your first thirty days ... you’re one hundred days behind schedule.

UPDATE: Richard Henry Patterson, the Florida man who claimed his girlfriend choked to death during oral sex, was found not guilty this week of second-degree murder.

At least now I know that, if Carlos were to, ahem, suffer the same fate, I'd get off ....... again.

I’m a horrible person.

Hot Men Duo ... Daddy and Son ...

Tony Goldwyn, who played President Grant on Scandal, until this last season when his two terms in office ended. Goldwyn was always handsome, but every so office you’d see him with his shirt off and suddenly it was, Oh, Mister President!

And Dylan Minette, who played President Grant’s son, Jerry, until he was murdered a few years ago. He’s got a show about teen suicide—Thirteen Reasons Why—and, well, he’s just so darn pretty ... even if he is young enough to be the president’s son, and my son, too.

Just sayin’.

As Secretary of State Hillary Clinton logged nearly a million miles in travel around the globe and never once complained.

Not so with President-For-Now _____, who, in his first foray overseas, in his first few days, cancelled an event because he was tired.

Yes, the man who called Jeb Bush “low energy” and said Clinton didn’t have the “stamina” for the job, had to take a time out and a nap because traveling is hard.

Asshat.

The Resistance—and the Democrats—just scored their first win of 2017.

And it might just be the beginning of the end for _____ when Edie DesMarais, a Democrat, won a State Representative seat in deep-red Wolfeboro, New Hampshire.

Donald _____ won that district by a wide margin in November and here, just a few months later, the people said, Oh hell no and elected a Democrat.

Keep Resisting!

So, at work, we have one computer that most of us use from time-to-time because of its proximity to the front of the office. One co-worker, however, uses it to monitor his Facebook page, and then leaves Facebook open under his account.

Big mistake. Huge. One day, a co-worker and I were looking for information on a new business opening in Smallville, and, as we were at the front, used that computer. She was on her phone searching while I Googled some information on the computer. I found a link to the Facebook page of the business and clicked on it; it opened right up and I thought nothing about it.

I told my co-worker that I had found what we were looking for and she stood next to me and read from the page.

Then she says, “Are you reading this?”

Down on the right, was a private message from our co-worker who keeps Facebook open under his account, where he was speaking to his girlfriend who lives in Pennsylvania and this is the first thing I read:

“Cum on my face and tits.”

Yes, our co-worker was having a sexting private message chat on his Facebook page at his home while it streamed live on our computer at work.

I looked at my co-worker as our friend typed, “I’m finished,” and I said, “Should I join in and say ‘Well, I’m not finished yet?’”

Just a note to people to close out your Facebook page when you leave the office lest you want a slew of co-workers to know your sticky business.

Oops ... _____ and his team thought that all of his Russia problems might go away while he was out of the country but, yeah, not so much.

Now it appears that Attorney General Jeff Sessions failed to disclose meetings with Russian officials, in his security clearance application, Sessions met with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak at least two times last year and failed to note those interactions on the form, which requires him to list “any contact” he or his family had with a “foreign government” or its “representatives” over the past seven years.

Oops. Sessions, the Attorney General lied ... under oath. And now Representative John Conyers, the top Democrat on the House Judiciary Committee has called for an investigation into Sessions.

The dominos are falling ...

So, the CBO score on the new GOPDon’tCare healthcare plan came in and it’s worse than expected ...

Fifty-one million uninsured by 2026 and premiums rising for the poorest among us while billionaires get tax breaks and the military gets more bombs.

And don’t forget, the GOP celebrated the House passage of this mess with a beer party.

This is who voted to take healthcare away from people and gouge the rest of us, while giving themselves more coins in the bank.

Resist.

We’ve all seen the crowds at GOP Town Hall meetings as constituents question their Representatives about Healthcare and Donald _____; these meetings often get very loud, with all kinds of screaming and shouting, but, until now, have remained non-violent.

But, yesterday GOP House candidate Greg Gianforte in Montana’s special election body slammed Ben Jacobs from the Guardian after he was asked about GOP plans for an Obamacare repeal.

And this morning, Election Day, Montana law enforcement has charged  Gianforte with misdemeanor assault, according to Gallatin County Sheriff Brian Gootkin:

“Following multiple interviews and an investigation by the Gallatin County Sheriff’s Office it was determined there was probable cause to issue a citation to Greg Gianforte for misdemeanor assault. The nature of the injuries did not meet the statutory elements of felony assault.”

Gianforte faces a maximum sentence of six months in jail, a $500 fine, or both.

The Guardian released an audio recording of the incident during which Gianforte tried to deflect Jacob’s questions about the CBO score of GOPDon’tCare:

Gianforte: “We’ll talk to you about that later.” 

Jacobs: “Yeah, but there’s not going to be time. I’m just curious about it right now.”

Gianforte: “I’m sick and tired of you guys. The last guy who came in here you did the same thing. Get the hell out of here!”

Jacobs: “You just body slammed me and broke my glasses.”

Gianforte’s office offered an alternate account of events, saying Jacobs encroached on “a separate interview in a private office” and “aggressively shoved a recorder in Greg’s face” except ... other news agencies, including Fox News, have come forward to not only verify Jacob’s account, but to say the assault was much worse than previously thought.

Fox reporter Alicia Acuna said:

“Gianforte grabbed Jacobs by the neck with both hands and slammed him into the ground behind him. I watched in disbelief as Gianforte then began punching the man, as he moved on top the reporter and began yelling something to the effect of ‘I’m sick and tired of this!'”

I’ve been saying a while now that since _____ began playing up this Fake News Bull Shiz reporters will come for the GOP and now they have; Gianforte ought to quit the campaign, rescind his candidacy, and prepare himself for trial, and hopefully, jail.