It's Snarkurday!

Halle Berry was a presenter at the GLAAD Media Awards last week and thought that the best time to declare that her role as Catwoman in 2004’s Catwoman deserves another “goddamn chance.”

And she thinks it does because … Black Panther:

“Each story builds on the next. It’s like that old saying goes: behind every Black Panther is a great black Catwoman! You know, I’ve gotten a really bad rap for this role, and I think Catwoman deserves another goddamn chance, don’t you?”

To recap, Oscar-winner … Oscar winner …Halle starred in a version of Catwoman that had almost nothing to do with DC Comics character and everything to do with glamour. It was a fashion show with Halle as the hero and Sharon Stone keeping her legs closed as the villain … and it bombed.

Oscar winner Halle Berry the Razzie for her role and showed up to accept it with her Oscar. In her acceptance speech, she referred to the film as:

“A godawful piece of shit.”

And now she wants you to demand a remake. Gurl bye.

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As if anyone asked him … Karl Lagerfeld decided to flap his wrinkled puss about the #MeToo movement and proved why he is called Kunty Karl:

“I’m fed up with it. I don’t even eat pig [in France the movement is known as #BalanceTonPorc] What shocks me most in all of this are the starlets who have taken 20 years to remember what happened. Not to mention the fact there are no prosecution witnesses.”

But Kunty Karl didn’t stop there about #MeToo and said that some of the models who complained about abuse should join a nunnery. 

I think Karl should join a monastery and take a vow of silence… and a vow to never be photographed again.

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It might just be a coinky-dink, but right after marrying her boyfriend of one month, Chris Fischer, Amy Schumer fired her longtime PR rep and manager, Carrie Byalick.

Is it because Byalick pressured Amy into doing Snatched, which added another nail to the coffin of Goldie Hawn’s career...

Or is it because Byalick once dated Chris Fischer and it was just too uncomfortable?

Or is it because Carrie still had feelings for him?

Or is it because Amy was insecure or jealous?

Or is it because Carrie warned Amy about Chris and she didn’t want to hear it?

Or is it because … oh, who cares.

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Flashback … in the spring of 2005, all of the Desperate Housewives did a Vanity Fair cover shoot and it turned into the cover shoot from hell.  The story goes that there was tension between them all, starting because Teri Hatcher was pissed about not getting first pick at the outfits and not being in the middle of the picture.

Seriously. Now, in 2018, Eva Longoria appears to still have beef about the cover shoot. She was on Jimmy Kimmel to talk about her upcoming role in the Overboard reboot, her pregnancy and her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but all Jimmy cared about was “the grudge.”

He asked if there was a chance of a Desperate Housewives reboot since every other show from the 1990s has been rebooted and Eva said that she doesn’t really want to go back to TV—her film career is booming, I guess with the reboot of a Goldie Hawn film—and maybe she doesn’t like all the girls:

Jimmy: You guys all hate each other now, right?

Eva: No! Felicity Huffman and Marcia are going to be at my star ceremony. Felicity’s giving a speech. We’re very good friends.

Jimmy: All of you?

Eva: No, but 99 percent of us are.

I guess Teri Hatcher is the One Percent.

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And it goes on ... last year, Michael Anello, one of Mariah Carey’s ex-bodyguards, threatened to sue Mimi for $750,000 for not paying invoices and sexually harassing him by bouncing around him in see-through lingerie. That lawsuit hasn’t been filed yet, but Mimi’s lawyers got a new legal threat from Stella Bulochnikov, her ex-manager.

Stella and Mimi broke up last year ALLEGEDLY because Stella she couldn’t Mimi’s special brand of crazy—possibly as a result of her bipolar disorder. But now it appears that Mimi is the one who quit Stella, and Stella is now suing for breach of contract and … wait for it … it’s totally Mimi … sexual harassment. Yup, just like Michael Anello, Stella says Mariah would often prance around her employees suggestiuvely while nearly nude.

But, to be nice, let Mimi’s lawyers know that a lawsuit is coming, giving them a chance to settle and save us all from stories of Mimi’s antics. But, not to be nice, Stella is also spilling the tea that Mimi never took her meds for her bipolar disorder and ALLEGEDLY had a substance abuse problem.

Mimi’s rep, of course, says Stella is lying:

“If this frivolous and baseless claim is filed, we will defend against it vigorously and successfully.”

Still, there are two ex-Mimi handlers who claim she’s a hooker with a multi-million-dollar record deal ... and if more, and more, and more, Mimi employees come out to sue because she showed them her ladybits, every court in the land will be tied up for decades.

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Who to believe … with her diminished role on Good Morning America, co-anchor Lara Spencer is desperate to make it appear that her absence from the show is by choice, but is it?

ABC has revamped the show, focusing on George Stephanopoulos, Michael Strahan and Robib Roberts by overhauling their other anchors’ schedules … like promoting Amy Robach to 20/20 and by cutting back Spencer’s airtime from five days a week to three.

Spencer’s team was you to believe that Spencer made the choice to “cut back” her GMA time so she could “to focus on her lifestyle brand” … buying garage sale stuff and rehabbing it. But GMA sources say Spencer is being sidelined because …

“Lara’s good at her job, but it’s not like the [ratings] are affected when she’s not on [the show].”

And rumor has it that the staff at GMA couldn’t be more pleased at Spencer’s disappearing act:

“Staff are relieved that Lara’s schedule is being cut back. She treats staff badly, she yells at people and she makes a lot of extra work for people.”

Extra work? Like helping her clean out her office?

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So, Khloe Kardastrophe gave birth to her cheating boyfriend’s baby, and ironically named the True. Seriously … as in, ...

“Yes, it’s true my boyfriend cheated on me with nearly every woman he met while I was pregnant with his baby.”

And, maybe there is something to the story that Khloe mother, That Woman, is working overtime to get Khloe away from Cheating Baby Daddy so the child can be called True Kardastrophe, and then be spun off into its own E! show and throw some more coins in the Devil’s handbag.

Just sayin’.

PS Looking at those photos of Khloe from 2007, left, and today, right, I wonder who True looks like and if we’ll ever really see a True Kardastrophe?

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Maybe there’s hope … though I am not one to feel joy at sad news, but still … John Cena and Nikki Bella have broken off their engagement, and they broke up completely.

Apparently, John felt that after his first marriage ended in divorce, he didn’t want to remarry and didn’t want children. But he and Nikki were together for almost six years and perhaps she wore him down. And he asked her, and she said, ‘Yes,’ and then he said, ‘Hold up’ just a few weeks before the wedding.

Um, John, you know, if you need someone to console, or help you get over Nikki, I am here for you. And, um, yeah, I don’t want marriage and I don’t want children, so, yeah, there’s that, too.

Just sayin’.

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It's Snarkurday!

The other night, Mariah Carey was celebrating the launch of her new record label, Butterfly MC Records, at Catch LA, when a party on the roof took focus away from Mimi.

David Foster was at a separate party on the roof and began playing the piano while one of the waitresses sang ... live ... renditions of ‘At Last’ and ‘Respect’.

Carey, no longer the center of attention, and hearing someone sing live had to be airlifted from the venue and taken home where she was dipped in a vat of smelling salts.

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Johnny Depp just cannot stop suing people; first Amber Heard and now his former management company, The Management Group [TMG].

Depp claims TMG mismanaged his money, losing millions, and TMG counter-sued blaming Johnny for blowing through his money like a crack-whore on a spree. And when Johnny slapped back saying he can spend his money on whatever he wants, TMG replied that he suffers from “compulsive spending disorder” and needs a “mental examination.”

TMG alleges that Johnny, who admits to spending $35,000 for a bottle of wine, also paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to a sound engineer to feed him lines on set through an earpiece. TMG claims Johnny insisted his line helper be kept on a yearly retainer so that he doesn’t have to memorize his lines anymore.

Perhaps if he didn’t drink $35,000 worth of wine every night he might be able to remember his lines on his won?

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Since this is the week of the Met Gala, let’s dish.

Last year’s theme was fashion and technology, and the future of fashion, and most folks came as robots—or themselves in the case of Kim Kardastrophe—but fashion-slave, fashion-victim, fashionista, Sarah Jessica Parker wore what looked like Hamilton: The Musical costume cast-off. And so people at the Gala were all WTF and SJP tried to rationalize her decision but I guess it was too much because ...

This year SJP did not attend the Met Gala  :::gasp:::  and rumor has it that it was because SJP was so upset that no one “got” her fashion choice last year so she and her Gala date, Andy Cohen, skipped the event this year.

SJP says she was focusing on her HBO show, Divorce, but if you’ve seen it, you know no one is focusing on that mess at all.

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Speaking of the Met Gala ... four years ago, Goopy Paltrow sniffed haughtily at the event and said she found it so boring she would never return:

“I’m never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

But someone must have had a newly steamed vagina to air out because Paltrow crawled the red carpet at the Met Gala this year.

Perhaps she’d forgotten how bored she was all those years ago or, more likely, since she recently signed a deal with the Devil who wears Prada, Anna Wintour, to create Goop: The Magazine, Paltrow was forced to attend and be bored and “un-fun.”

And she did it whilst wearing the knock-off version of that basic pink dress she wore to the Oscars the year Harvey Weinstein bought the award for her.

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And speaking or hypocrites ... gosh I love a good segue ... Amy Schumer and Lena Dunham both also appeared at the Met Gala this year though both vowed in the past to never, ever return.

Schumer crapped all over the Gala in 2016 when she said it was the first and last time she’d ever go; she called it a “punishment” and said everyone was dressed up like “a bunch of fucking assholes.”

But, you know, Amy has a new movie coming out, so she dressed up like an asshole to whore out her latest film.

As for Lena Dunham, she claimed to have had a crappy time last year because Odell Beckham Jr. failed to hit on her—a statement for which she was appropriately raked over the coals, and forced to apologize.

But she, too, was back this year because her HBO show Girls is over and she needs a new gig and so, yeah, whore yourself out at a party you hate.

Sit down, girls, and stay home next year.

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When we last left Carmelo and La La Anthony, their marriage was in the dust because Carmelo had ALLEGEDLY gotten a stripper pregnant and a lot of wives don’t like that very much.

Oops, it appears the stripper in question, while still pregnant, is not a stripper but works in, um, “education.” And, while Carmelo has said he will take care of his side-piece, and baby side-piece, he really wants to stay married to L La.

And he is doing everything he can to make sure La La knows how much he loves her and how much he wants to keep their bank account a joint bank account. And how is he showing La La his love? Get ready ... it’s the sweetest, most precious thing a man can do other than knocking up another woman ... he’s “liking” her social media posts.

Carmelo has been apologizing to La La and begging her to go on a date or a vacation via text, and also liking her Instagram posts.

Doesn’t that just scream “I’m sorry for fucking an educational stripper”?

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Oh, Katy Perry. She joked earlier this year that she was a bad haircut away from becoming Brittney Spears circa 2008 and, well, it looks like she was right.

During an odd livestream over the weekend, newly-blond Perry told her fan ... singular ... this:

“Someone says, ‘I miss your old black hair.' Oh, really? Do you miss Barack Obama as well? Oh, OK. Times change. Bye! See you guys later.”

A black joke? Why it gotta be black?

The moment went viral and here’s what some folks said:

“I’m sure we can all do without @katyperry right ??? #Loser.”

“Not Katy Perry pretending to be a woke activist then making an insensitive joke comparing her hair to Obama.”

Perry, who once boasted about being “woke as f**k” for supporting the Black Lives Matter movement, has yet to comment on the controversy, but it’s not the first time she’s been accused of racial insensitivity.

In 2015, ‘Hunger Games’ star Amandla Stenberg accused Perry of appropriating black culture in her “This Is How We Do” video and in 2013 Perry was criticized for her Japanese-themed performance of “Unconditionally” at the AMAs.

Also in 2013, Grammy-winning producer Mano called Perry out for ALLEGEDLY referring to him and his pals as “n***as” and he joined in the TweetStorm against Perry:

“While she was juke’n my cuz she started calling us her ‘n***as’ and we asked her 2 stop a few times … she couldn’t understand why and we had 2 explain 2 her that it wasn’t endering [sic] and it was really offensive.No 1 cared that my feelings were hurt as a person. a famous caucasian person thought it was ok 2 say that word 2 me 2 relate with me.”

Here’s the deal, Katy: you aren’t funny. And you are inching closer and closer to being Britney With An Umbrella By An SUV. 

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It's Snarkurday!

Little Tommy Cruise has stomped his platform shoes and halted production on the sixth … or sixtieth … Mission Impossible film until he gets more coins.

I guess custom shoes with two-inch lifts are expensive.

Cruise has a back-end deal … and I let y’all do the double entendre on that one … with the folks producing MI 60 but will not begin work until they agree to meet and exceed the back-end deal … seriously the jokes could write themselves … he got for being Brendon Fraser in The Mummy reboot.

The Mummy reboot of a reboot is part of Universal’s upcoming plan to remake, reboot, release all of their old monsters … Frankenstein, Dracula, The Creature from the Black Lagoon … Lindsay Lohan. Universal thinks that this new franchise is going to make them buttloads of money so they’re giving buttloads … again with the jokes … to Tommy.

And once Tommy gets a buttload, he wants one from everyone else but he best be careful … if Universal replaced Fraser with Cruise for The Mummy, maybe Paramount will head down to the Chipotle on La Cienega and tell Brendan Fraser to turn in his apron, the movies are calling … again.

Lindsay Lohan, who can only get work as a drunken cracktress on a yacht these days, has been asked to appear on Russian television to discuss her break-up with Egor Tarabasov.

Huh. Russian TV? Was Wendy Williams unavailable for the chat?

I digress because here’s where it gets funny … Lohan apparently thinks she's a humongous movie star and so she asked for all kinds of shiz before she would agree to go on Russian TV and talk about how Egor was caught with a Russian hooker after having dinner with his American hooker.

Still, the Russian talk show Pust govoryat — airing on a state-owned station — wants Lohan and so she sent a ransom letter, er, list of demands …

She  wants 500,000 Pounds — at first I thought it was “in drugs” and then I realized it was British pounds, equal to $660,000 American dollars — and also wants a private jet to travel back and forth with hair, makeup and manicurist onboard, her own security team, a one year Russian visa with extension and she wants to meet President Vladimir Putin for selfies.

Puta? Meet Putin!

Russia is countering with a rented Fiat, a prepaid gas card, a Maybelline gift bag, a Disneyland Visa, and a photo op with Yakoff Smirnoff.

Does the ‘D’ in DMX stand for ‘Duggar’ because rapper DMX has just revealed that he has become a papa for the fifteenth time after his girlfriend Desiree Lindstrom gave birth to his latest and her first.

DMX made 4 kids with ex-wife Tashera Simmons so that’s five kids with two women and then ten kids with a number of others.

But don’t worry about DMX going broke paying for all those kids; he doesn’t, apparently. Last year, he was arrested twice for not paying child support to Tashera and some other Baby Mama. In 2015 he spent six months in the jail for non-payment of child support.

Huh; maybe the ‘D’ in DMX stands for ‘Deadbeat Dad.’

Or maybe ‘Douchebag,’ because DMX says he picks his Baby Mamas “just like a dog. I sniff the ass, I wag my tail.”

DuggaryDeadbeatDadDouchebagMX.

When we last left the two bald-headed loudmouths, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Vin Diesel, they were still feuding.

The Rock took to Instagram to thank everyone he worked with on Fast and Furious 852 … except for  Vin Diesel ... Ouch ... That’s sooooo Mean Girls ... while Vin had vowed to expose The Rock.

Now, Vin has walked that threat back and took to Facebook to whisper sweet nothings about Johnson:

“The reason we brought Dwayne Johnson into Fast 5 was because of you! There was a girl named Jan Kelly who said, ‘I would love to see you guys work together on screen.’ So the role that was initially written for Tommy Lee Jones, we gave it to Dwayne, and he shined in it.”

Really? Tommy Lee Jones? Somewhere in the Appalachian Mountains, Jones is loading buckshot into a rifle, sipping a Budweiser and saying,

“The fuck you did.”

Melania is all [t]Rump, apparently, because she is now threatening to sue people who say mean things about her.

Plagiarism. College drop-out. Illegal immigrant. It’s cool, I have my lawyer on speed-dial. And Melania doesn’t care about those stories because she’s rich, er, married to a rich man, er, married to a man who says he’s rich.

But, listen up, do not ever imply that Melania was once a high-class hooker … think Lohan with a higher price-tag.

The Daily Mail recently repeated a story about the New York modeling agency that Melania was signed to in the 1990s, run by Paolo Zampolli. It was ALLEGEDLY a modeling agency but rumor has it that the “models” made most of their money working as escorts.

So, when Zampolli brought Melania over from her first and last year in college was she modeling nude … or just ‘dating’ nude?

Melania’s attorney, Charles Harder — yes, that is his name ... is his firm called Harder, Harder, HARDER ? — is threatening to go after the  Daily Mail for their ALLEGATIONS.

Again … I have a lawyer on speed dial …

Conrad Hilton walked out of jail just two weeks ago, and now he’s in another messy situation.

Connie is being sued by a woman who says he crashed his father’s Range Rover head-first into her car and was all kinds of drunk—and covered in vomit—when he got out to survey the damages.

Kelly Auld, the woman suing Connie, says that it was just a few hours after a judge slapped Hilton’s wrists for one of his many other crimes, that he had been out drinking and driving and crashing into her car.

Kelly says she saw Hilton swerving like a fool in the Range Rover and says she saw that he was looking ‘dazed and confuses’ and had both hands above his head before he hit one car and then drove right into her, and witnesses say Connie got out of the car, tossed a bong into the bushes and was covered in vomit.

The Range Roger Connie wrecked was registered to Hilton & Hyland, his daddy’s real estate company because, as Kelly discovered, Conrad Hilton was court-ordered not to drive.

I think Connie is trying to out-do big sister Paris … remember how much havoc she caused acting the drunken rich bitch fool?

Oh Amber and Johnny, I thought everything was settled and we’d stop hearing from you … I was wrong. A week ago, Amber Heard announced that she would be donating all $7 million of her divorce settlement to charity. She said she would split the money between the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles and the ACLU. And since her announcement seemed to make it clear that she was not a golddigger, Johnny Depp had to do something …

Depp began by praising Amber for donating his, er, her  money to charity and was, in fact, so moved, that he will not be giving any money to Amber but will cut the charity checks himself.

Except … while Johnny did send checks to the ACLU and Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles — they’re to get $3.5 million each—in Amber’s name, he didn’t send all of it; Johnny’s going on the installment plan.

Depp’s rep says:

“Following Amber Heard’s announcement that her divorce settlement was to be divided equally and gifted to Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles and the American Civil Liberties Union, two exceptionally deserving and important charities, Johnny Depp has sent the first of multiple installments of those monies to each charity in the name of Amber Heard, which when completed will honor the full amount of Ms. Heard’s pledge. Ms. Heard’s generosity in giving to these wonderful causes is deeply respected.” Everybody happy now?"

Um, no … because  Depp was supposed to pay Amber $7 million so she could donate it to whichever organization she chose and he’s not giving it all away at once as was, ALLEGEDLY, Amber’s plan, so her lawyers are looking to go back to court again with Johnny.

This thing ain’t never gonna end.

I do love Amy Schumer because she doesn’t care who she offends … even if it’s Anna “Nuclear” Wintour.

Last Spring Amy got all dolled up and headed off to the Met Gala, and is now saying that it was torture! She appeared on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show to promote her new book and told Stern that she’s an introvert at heart. She likes hanging out with a small group of friends and hates being around famous folks, and when Howard mentioned her appearance at the Met Gala Amy spoke of the painful event.

“I left, not the second I could; I left earlier than I should have been allowed. I got to meet Beyoncé, and she was like, ‘Is this your first Met Gala?’ and I was like, ‘It’s my last.’ I should be grateful I was invited or something, but it felt like a punishment. It’s not me. We’re dressed up like a bunch of fucking assholes and I have no interest in fashion. I like the idea of coming up with a way to dress that’s more comfortable, that looks cool, that sounds good to me. But other than that, I don’t care.”

It’s funny, though, because mere seconds before Amy told Stern the story of it being her last Met Gala, Anna Wintour was scratching Amy’s name off every guest list in New York.