It's Snarkurday!

Helen Mirren is no stranger to loving your body and showing it off, and I love her for it — and I am way gay.

And I love her because she loathes the Kardastrophes, though she did say this:

“I’m not into the Kardashians, it’s a phenomenon I just don’t find interesting, but – and this is the big word: B-U-T-T — it’s wonderful that you’re allowed to have a butt nowadays. Thanks to Madame Kardashian, and before her, J-Lo. We’re also allowed to have thighs now, which is great too. It’s very positive.”

Shoot, when I read she was talking about Kim Kardastrophe’s ass I simply assumed she was a fan of Kanye.

Oh well …

The other night they held the CFDA Fashion Awards dinner and so naturally designer Rachel Roy was in attendance. She arrived with model Candice Huffine, whom she dressed, and they posed together for pictures on the red carpet.

But as the gala began, suddenly the room was all abuzz with the news that Beyoncé might attend. A fashion writer tweeted, “Jay Z has just arrived ... What could it mean?”  Then Beyoncé’s daughter, Blue Ivy, arrived with grandmother Tina Knowles, basically giving away the night’s Icon winner.

And so what was Roy to do, especially since it is rumored that she was the “Becky with the good hair,” a character name-checked in a Beyoncé song about a woman Jay Z banged while married to Bey.

Roy did what she could … she grabbed her place card and ran!

Seriously? The place card? It’s like she was trying to remove any evidence that she’d even been in the room, lest Beyoncé whip that weave in her direction.

Roy now says she left in such a hurry, place card in hand because she had to catch an early flight the next day to be with her kids in LA.

Uh huh.

Axl Rose is pissed, y’all. See, like Beyoncé before him, Rose is very very angry the hordes of “unflattering” pictures of him from 2010 that live on the internet.

See, back in ’10, photos of a not-so-skinny Axl Rose in a red bandana were taken at a Guns N’ Roses concert in Canada.  And quicker than you can say Mad Fat Boy In A Bandanna the photos were turned into memes.

Well, Axl must have just stumbled across the nearly six-year-old memes recently, because now he’s filed documents to have them destroyed. Yes; destroyed.

It seems the anti-piracy company Web Sheriff issued a DMCA takedown request to Google and Blogspot over the pictures on Axl’s behalf:

“Copyright image of Axl Rose. Please be advised that no permission has been granted to publish the copyright image so we cannot direct you to an authorized example of it.” 

To make it even stickier, the photos were taken by Boris Minkevich for the Winnipeg Free Press. Boris doesn’t own the copyright and says that anyone who made a Fax Axl meme is guilty of stealing the pictures from the Winnipeg Free Press.

So far, Google hasn’t taken any of the pictures so if you search for “Fat Axl” you’ll get your fill of Fat Axl Memes.

Fat Axl Rose. Who does he think he us, Ugly Beyoncé?

Just last week, dressed like a young racist Donald [t]Rump, 22-year-old Conrad Hilton was back in front of a judge yesterday for messing up the terms of his parole … again.

Conrad was told to lay off the, um, er, substances, but apparently he’s been filling up his orifices with all kinds of shiz and admitted so to the judge.

Now, since Connie is rich and white, I naturally assumed he’d be sent to swim camp with Convicted Rapist Brock Allen Turner, but the judge gave him two months in jail.

Two months for violating probation. Wow, that’s almost a third of the sentence that Swimmers Who Rape get, but let’s look back at Connie’s indiscretions:

In 2014 he was arrested for punching a bulkhead on a British Airways flight and shrieking at the flight crew:

“I am going to fucking kill you!”

Connie plead guilty and got parole.

In January 2015, Conrad violated his parole when he failed a battery of drug tests and the judge ordered him to 90 days in a substance abuse treatment center.

Now out, he ALLEGEDLY failed another test and that’s what lead to a Brock Allen Turner sentence of days in jail.

But I doubt Connie will serve more than 20 minutes — remember Lohan’s 84 minute jail term — and then he’ll be back on the street acting like an entitled drug addicted douchebag … or a Swimmer Who Rapes, a la Brock Allen Turner.

First Johnny and Amber split, and then Hillary swank and … who was she dating? … bit the dust. Now :::gasp::: Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have gone their separate ways.

At first Team Swifty tried to spin it that she ended things but, yeah, not so fast …

And why did Calvin dump Swifty? Because of her bad language … yup, she began saying the ‘M’ word allowed and the idea of being married to Taylor Swift sent Calvin running.

A source — and you know it’s one of TayTay’s minions — says:

“A few weeks ago she was talking about marrying him.”

And, again, the idea of being Mister Taylor Swift, and probably being forced to wear a Hello Kitty Tuxedo at the televised wedding where your bride floats toward the altar in a bubble a la Glinda the Good Witch, followed by the pay-per-view Wedding Night was just too much for Calvin.

And who could blame him?

Word has it he’s already invested in a blow-up doll that looks remarkably like Swifty herself.

Remember when Katie Holmes made a ladder of her tear-stained tissues and escaped from the Cruise Compound by hiding out in the trunk of a ’65 Dodge Dart headed East? And remember how Tom Cruise vowed he would never let his little Suri go with Katie?

Well, he did, and now it’s ALLEGED that Tommy hasn’t seen his daughter in three years because … she’s not a Scientologist.

Sources, and it might be Nicki Kidman and Katie Holmes Tweeting from lunch together, say Tom doesn’t want to see Suri because she’s a “nonbeliever.”

In Tom … or the Church.

Just sayin’.

It's Snarkurday!

So, Beyoncé spilled the tea about her cheating husband, Jay Z, in her album ‘Lemonade,’ and some people went nuts.

I remember that album from back in the day, only then it was by Fleetwood Mac and it was called ‘Rumors’ and it was much better. But hey, Beyoncé never met an idea she didn’t steal so …

With the release of ‘Lemonade,’ more focus is placed on Jay Z’s ALLEGED affair with Rachel Roy — who may or may not have been the reason for the Solange-Jay Z Elevator Beatdown from the past.

Roy, a fashion designer — and who appeared to out herself as “Becky with the good hair” from Beyoncé’s track “Sorry” — says that some “personal information” from her computer was “stolen” and might include some damming info about Bey and Jay. And Roy  — who apparently has no boundaries about to schtupping other women’s men — says that other famous married men she banged might also be uncovered via the emails.

A day after playing the Beyoncé lyric “He only want me when I’m not there/He better call Becky with the good hair” in a social media post, Roy appeared to taunt Queen Bey. Then, realizing she looked like a whore, she made a public statement dismissing herself as Jay Z’s “other woman” after incurring the wrath of the BeyHive.

Never mind the wrath or Beyoncé, because there isn’t any; as long as the story stays out there and people think Roy might be ‘Becky,’ more copies of Lemonade will be sold and Beyoncé will pocket more coins.

After all, it’s the money that counts.

Poor Jessica Biel. She spent YEARS putting together her so-called “kid-friendly” restaurant, Au Fudge and, well, it’s not going so well.

When Au Fudge two months ago, it was not well-received; the kid’s menu is short and overpriced, the place is a hot mess and ALLEGEDLY poorly managed, there are hygiene issues, the focus is on booze and the food isn’t even good.

And now it gets worse because Biel had asked her husband, Justin Timberlake, to help her out by promoting the restaurant and he said, um, ‘No.’

Even though Biel friends like Jason Bateman, Tobey Maguire and Rachel Zoe showed up to promote the business, there is not one photo of Justin at the event — though sources say he was there.

I guess he just didn’t want to be associated with the place? And perhaps that’s because Justin’s own venture into the food biz, Southern Hospitality BBQ is New York, has also been plagued by problems.

Still, your wife’s dream becomes a reality and then a nightmare and you sit on your hands? That’s love, eh?

Blac Chyna, whose Baby Daddy Tyga may or may not be still schtupping Chyna’s newest Baby Daddy, Rob Kardastrophe’s little sister, Kylie Jenner, is in it for the coins.

The Kardastrophe Koins, that is. Chyna will soon be Mrs. Rob Kardastrophe and so she’s filed papers to trademark her name. No, not the name Blac Chyna; she’s gonna trademark her soon-to-be legal married name … Angela Renee Kardastrophe.

Chyna wants the exclusive legal rights to the name Angela Kardastrophe for “entertainment services, namely live television and movie appearances” as well as “living as a social media celebrity, model, actress, and performer.”

Blac Chyna won’t be Blac Chyna anymore … she’ll just be Angie Kardastrophe … and then the ex-missus Rob Kardastrophe because, after all, you gotta keep the players moving, right?

Word of Caution: don’t move next door to Minnie Driver and begin a remodel of your home.

It seems Driver is being sued by her Hollywood Hills neighbor, Daniel Perelmutter, for ALLEGEDLY impeding construction on his home and causing damage to it.

Perelmutter says Minnie is “deranged” and “needs to be institutionalized” and claims she “goes into frenzies” causing damage to his home.

In his lawsuit, he ALLEGES that Minnie has pelted his home with baby food jars filled with black paint, that she told him she wishes he was dead, and that she has tried to kill him with her car.  He also says she has blocked his workers’ access for up to eight hours at a time and that he could even … wait for it … end up dead due to Driver-Induced Stress [DIS]. And last week, police responded to their homes to find Minnie and Daniel screaming at each other over a delivery truck blocking her driveway.

Of course, Minnie has a side, too; she filed a restraining order against Perelmutter last November — which was granted — ALLEGING similar conduct and claiming that he jumped in front of her car twice.

The feud between Driver and Perelmutter, AKA the Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s, has been going on for more than a year but, perhaps they should just stop the dance and schtup already?

Or we can give Perelmutter  the last word, in a video he released to tell his side of the story:

“Since [Minnie] lost her job on TV she’s got nothing else to do but to fight with me. Until she gets a job, this is not going to end. Please tell Fox to hire her and get her out of my hair.”

Ouch.

So, Janet Jackson, at age fifty, may be expecting a child with her husband, billionaire Wissam Al Mana, but the rumors abound that this isn’t her first child.

Huh? What? There has been talk for years that Jackson had a daughter during her teenage first marriage to James DeBarge and kept the pregnancy a secret from him, and the world, and gave the child up for adoption.

Now, James DeBarge is talking. See, according to DeBarge, a young woman claiming to be his daughter reached out to him two years ago via email — though the two have never met — and that this woman asked for a DNA test, that hasn’t happened yet.

The woman claims in the emails to DeBarge that Janet had ALLEGEDLY put the girl up for adoption shortly before ending her short marriage to DeBarge. He says he suspected Jackson had a baby, and even went on a search to find her, but had no luck. He believes Jackson didn’t tell him about the child because of “fear and lots of pressure from every angle, from inside and outside… Not knowing how it could hurt her career.”

And now even James DeBarge’s mother is getting in on the story; she believes Janet was pregnant while married to James, but went away for a long time and when she came back, she ended the marriage.

Jackson’s rep did not comment on this story but will Janet’s baby have a much, much older sister?

No telling …

And speaking of babies …

In the last few weeks hundreds, yes, hundreds, of people have come forward claiming to be the son or daughter of Prince and holding a hand out for some of that Purple Rain coin. But, this isn’t about that; this is a feel good tale about Prince and his ALLEGED Kardastrophe Loathing.

Zooey Deschanel, of TV’s New Girl, was on Conan O’Brien’s show last week and told a heartwarming tale of how Prince’s power caused the staff of New Girl to burn all evidence of the Kardastrophes.

See, Prince was such a fan of the show that he offered to shoot a cameo for their Super Bowl episode. In the show, he played Prince — go figure — and was throwing a celebrity-filled party in L.A.  The producers then asked That Woman and Khloe Kardastrophe to be in the party scene and because they are a couple of bloodsucking famewhores, they said Yassssss!

And while they filmed their scenes before Prince arrived onset, Zooey told Conan that one of Prince’s assistants collected all of the scripts and calls sheets and anything with the name Kardastrophe on it and burned everything before prince saw it:

“I’m studying my lines. One of the PAs comes in and she’s like, ‘I need all of the scripts.’ She takes mine from me, takes everyone’s call sheets, so I’m like, What’s going on? I walk outside and she has like a bonfire. She’s burning all the scripts and the call sheets. And it turns out that someone from Prince’s camp said, ‘Who are the celebrities? I hope it’s not a Kardashian.’”

Yasssss.

We talked earlier about Rob Kardastrophe impregnating the woman who is the Baby Momma to his little sister’s boyfriend but let’s not more incestuous Hollywood …

Orlando Bloom was married to model Miranda Kerr who ALLEGEDLY, after the breakup with Bloom, rode Justin Bieber’s wiener a time or two, while Orlando decided to get even by allowing Bieber’s other ex, Selena Gomez, a free ride on Bloom Dick.

It’s a kind of a Circle Jerk, or a Circle of Jerks.

Then Orlando moved on from Selena and began dipping his wick into Katy Perry except … one night last week several cell phones caught Orlando Bloom and Selena Gomez making out at a Vegas nightclub. Orlando got very touchy-feely with the sixteen-year younger Gomez, though she ALLEGEDLY, after the make-out session, went home alone.

But what about Katy? She and Orlando were at a Met Gala after-party last week so they were still together … but I guess because she was in California and Orlando was in Vegas and he needed to cop a feel of a young girl and Gomez was handy … well, you get the idea.

But to keep the incestuous nature of the snark going, Miranda Kerr, Orlando’s ex and Justin’s one-night-several-night stand, was also in Vegas that weekend … at Selena’s concert.

I need a Bleach Bath. Or a Bleccch Bath.