Why Is It ...

… that as I was sitting in my car the other day, a person came up to my driver’s window and shouted, “I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE HIGH SCHOOL,” and all I could think to say was, “Can I get my burger and fries? You’re holding up the drive thru.”

… that hearing my voice in a recording makes me wanna apologize to every person I’ve ever spoken to.

… that everyone forgets that I am neither a morning person nor a night person but I do have a few minutes in the afternoon where I’m decent and that’s about it.

… that y’all need to remember that if I go missing there will be no need to go searching the hiking trails

… that there are days when I don’t want to be an adult, and I don’t even wanna be human, I just want to be a goat and eat all day and head-butt anyone who tries to stop me.

 … that no one sees that I have a really good heart, but it comes with a side of attitude and zero patience

… that no one listens to my life tips, like … if you rob a bank you will have no trouble with food, rent or bills for the next ten years, regardless of your success.

… that you should know to stay away from me if you’re sensitive because I will roast you for sport

… that you need to know how to be comfortable in your own skin because it’s a crime to wear someone else’s

… that I know how to treat people right but I also know how to walk a dog; the choice is yours.

Why Is It ...

… that it’s okay for a cat to run and hide  under a bed when visitors come by but when I do it it’s “rude” and “antisocial.”

… that most people don’t realize  that, unfortunately, I always have something smart to say.

… that no one realizes that I don’t miss calls, I stare at them.

… that some days the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

… that no one believes me when I say that I will cut back on my sarcasm and only use it on days that begin with a T … like Tuesday or Thursday … Today and Tomorrow

.... that I have yet to learn that I shouldn’t sit on the floor without a solid plan on how to get up

... that people need to learn that while I am not easily offended, I am also easily annoyed.

… that people forget that the day they handed out patience  I left early because it was taking too long.

… that my boss said to me, ‘What are you doing?’ And I replied that I was watching a tutorial on effectively dealing with co-workers, and he said, ‘That’s a kickboxing video.’ And I said, ‘I know.’

… that I often wonder what the other me’s are up to in those other dimensions.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t do what I do, and stop crying about your problems on the internet and instead bottle them up inside and disguise them with dark inappropriate humor like a grownup.

… that my memory is like an Etch-a-Sketch? Every time I shake my head I forget everything.

… that, while I know my body cannot digest corn, how is possible that after I’ve chewed up the corn it comes back out in the shape of corn.

… that I don’t always have time to fold the laundry, but when I do, I don’t.

… that people must learn that the reason I don’t care about folks talking about me is because I know that when they’re talking about themselves no one cares.

… that my patience with everyone is literally at 1%.

… that people who watch my life and gossip about it should not give up because the new season is about to start streaming.

… that no one looks both ways before getting on my nerves.

… that people need to remember I am not that great in the advice business, but I am a pro at the sarcastic comeback.

Why Is It ...

… that I have decided, with a peaceful spirit and a loving heart and a clear mind … that some people can still kiss my ass.

… that people need to know that I was raised with manners but if you go low, I will take us both to Hell.

… that I hate when people hold the door for me when I’m like ten yards away and then I have to hit a jog to get to the door quickly  so I don’t look rude.

… that people don’t realize that the “P’” in my name stands for Patience and that’s why there is no ‘P’ in my name.

… that I am a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

… that I cannot help but think men invented arm wrestling so they can hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes.

… that when friends ask me if I want to go for a run I always ask, “From what?”

… my adult life is literally how my mom used to describe me as a baby: “Oh, he’s overtired and that makes him cranky.”

… that I have a habit of deleting my own posts quickly because I am not the same person I was three minutes ago.

Why Is It ...

… that no one realizes that if you mess with me, I will lock you in the trunk of my car, and then help people look for you.

… that I can tell if someone is judgemental just by looking at them.

… that I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning and realized that my charisma will be doing most of the heavy lifting today.

… that my patience is like a  gift card; I’m not sure how much is left but give it a try.

… that I have officially reached the age where I don’t know if I injured myself or of that’s just how I am from now on.

… that every time I try to make a protein shake it turns into a margarita?

… that if I ever forget my safe word, I just call out someone else’s name? Because it works every time.

… that I cringe at so many things I say out loud and yet I will not stop talking.

Why Is It ...

… that I think people who ask "Can I call you?" are so sweet. I mean,, obviously you can't but you're so sweet.

… that my patience is a lot like a Gift Card; you never know how much is left on it, but you can give it a try.

… that you live your life hoping to find someone who is obsessed with you and wants all of your time, and then you realize that person is your boss.

… that people who want to be my friend have to understand that I don’t want to talk every day.

… that when I walk into work and my boss says, “You’re late,” I reply, holding out my cup, “It’s pronounced ‘latte’ but thanks.”

… that as I grow older I realize that pleasing everybody is near impossible, but pissing people off is a piece of cake.

… that worst part of a fender bender is getting out of the car and having to meet a new person.

… that NASA can receive data from 47-year-old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from Earth, but it takes me days and days to respond to a text from a friend in town?