Why Is It ...

… that after I told a co-worker I could tell he was a C-section baby by the way he avoids labor that HR is once again asking to see me.

… that people don’t realize that as you get older you need to care less about how you look in photos and more about how you look in x-rays, scans and test result.

… that from now on I will identify as a rubber band, stretched to my limit, holding everything together but ready to snap

… that we have to pay for trash bags just to throw them out with the trash

… that one of my new favorite games is “Did I take Ibuprofen thirty minutes ago or did I just think about taking it?”

… that kids today cannot write a paper for school without resorting to AI when I was able to write ten pages for school with ever having read the book

… that people wait until New Years Day to cut people out of their lives … I’m like, Happy August 22nd, now get the fuck out!

… that when my therapist asked if my fifteen-year-old self would be proud of me today, I said, “My fifteen-year-old self would be stunned that I’m still alive!”

… that when someone asked if I had a favorite bird I instantly replied Rotisserie Chicken at CostCo

… that when I said, “Maybe I’m just too demanding? Maybe I’m just like my father, too bold? Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisf—” My therapist shrieked, “Get out.”

Why Is It ...

… that people need to remember that I don't think I’m right all the time, but I am and that’s why it comes off that way

… that I may be laid back but I lean forward very quickly

… that people don’t understand that when I say I feel like Barbie, I mean that my hip is making that clicking sound

… that when it comes to a text chat I am either fast Replier or Never Answer

… that this snippet of advice always gets me in trouble because I say, whenever you get angry at someone bite them; just bite them and walk away. I guarantee they’ll never speak to you again

… that no one realizes that my ability to find the comedy in every crisis is a sign of deep inner peace or a warning that my last marble has officially left the building

… that when people ask what kinds of music I like all I can say is it’s every song except the ones I don’t like.

… that some days my brain is a powerful machine and other days it’s just two racoons fighting in a garbage can.

… that the new girl at work wanted to chat and chat and chat and I finally said, “Let’s skip the talking stage and you can go right to blocking me.”

… that I just learned that therapy is like some stranger walking around my brain and saying, “This is how you live?”

Why Is It ...

… that I suddenly woke up one day to realize that I know more medications on The Pitt than I do musical guests on SNL.

… that I cannot stop myself when I speak. I was in court once and the judge told me I had to tell the truth, and then started to ask, “Do you swear …” and I replied, “Every day, motherfucker” and suddenly I was in a cell for something called 'contempt'.

… that people say skydiving is scary but I say “What about being at a friend of a friends house and you use the bathroom and the toilet won’t flush? Terrifying.

… that while seeing my therapist he suggested I stop doing weird things, so I told him I went to the park that day; he asked if I’d gotten anything out of it, and I opened my coat and said, “I got this duck.”

… that my friends don’t realize that when I say, “I might join you later,” I mean, “You have a better chance seeing Tupac riding a unicorn than you have of seeing me later.”

… that being an adult ruins weekends … on Friday I’m exhausted after work, and on Saturdays I want to chill but there are errands and chores to be done, while on Sundays I’m pissed off because it’s basically Monday again.

… that when a form asks who to call in case of an emergency I always write “Ambulance” because no one in my family is answering an unknown number.

… that when a friend asked if I wanted to go out on Friday I said I would but I already have my jammies on and everything, and then he said, “But it’s only Tuesday,” to which I replied, “I said what I said.”

… that while at a friends house I remarked that the candles smell like Fireball, and the hostess said, “For those of us who aren’t heavy drinkers, Bob, that scent is cinnamon.”

… that people realize that, while at times they can take me down, I will rise again, like a phoenix, that tripped over an extension cord, hurt my shoulder and then awkwardly stood up.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t remember that I don’t take constructive criticism from someone who has never constructed anything.

… that when I agreed with my therapist who said I was unstoppable, he said, “I said you were unstable,’ and I replied, “Meh. Tomato, potato.”

… that people need to know that if they want to paint me as a villain please wait until I pose.

… that no one realizes that being an adult is easy, it’s like riding a bike … that’s on fire … everything is on fire. You’re in Hell

… that when I fuck things up I fuck them up so badly that people wonder for years how I managed to do it.

… that no one notices that I wear my angel wings every day, but the minute I take them off and beat somebody with them suddenly everyone’s a witness

… that people call me mean but they don’t realize that I’m not mean, I am just not actively making you comfortable

… that I’ve just realized that life would be much easier if I could just mark people as spam

… that people who don’t understand that I’ve never had a mid-life crisis don't realize it's because my entire life is a crisis.

… that I feel like I am emotionally constipated since I haven’t given a shit in a really long time

Why Is It ...

… that even those closest to me cannot tell if my smile means ‘Hello’ or if it means, ‘Fuck off.’

… that my co-worker was upset when I told her that I never knew I didn’t give a shit about so many things until she started talking.

… that sometimes I talk to myself and then we both laugh and laugh!

… that when people tell me that I’m very quiet, they get upset when I reply, “I know, why don’t you join me.”

… that when someone asks, ‘Are you crazy?’ I simply reply, ‘Yes,’ and just like that the discussion is over

… that while I appreciate unsolicited advice, I often tell those people to save their thoughts for the trainwreck looking back at them in the mirror.

… when people tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room I tell them it’s called arson and they are called witnesses.

… that when I complain to my therapist about how the voices won’t stop he reminds me that they are people, and they are allowed to talk.

… that I cannot control who walks into my life but I can control which window I throw them out of

… that people need to realize that, while I am the kind of loyal friend who would take a bullet for them, I am also the reason we’re being shot at.

Why Is It ...

… that instead of writing LOL—I kid,  never write or say LOL—I’m going to start writing SALTS …Smiled A Little Then Stopped.

… that I often wish I could go back in time and leave some people right where I found them.

… that the health-nuts at work told me that I am what I eat but I don’t remember eating anxiety and back pain and rage at coworkers telling me what to eat.

… that I like smiling at people, for no reason, who don’t like me; stay bothered.

… that I have made really bad decisions while drunk, but then I ask myself if the sober ones were any better and the answer is, not so much.

… that it’s my ability to read the room that keeps me staying home.

… that my boss still doesn’t realize I don’t go to work to hustle and grind, but to chit and chat and take time off.

… that when my therapist told me I needed to love myself, I replied, ‘I’m not really my type.’

… that my boss wasn’t happy when I said I needed  a ‘maycation,’ especially when I explained that meant that I may come back or I may not.

… that being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

Why Is It ...

… that when people ask me where was the last place I flew, I say ‘Off the handle and there’s another potential flight on the way.’

… that whenever people say to me, ‘You’re going places,’ my first thought is an asylum.

… that it makes me happy to see so many people embracing therapy; some of them could use an exorcism, but … baby steps.

… that we all need to know that the final stage of healing is telling people to fuck off.

… that people must learn that there are two ways of doing things: my way and my other way. 

… that one time, in the third grade, I zoned out and I don’t think I ever zoned back in.

… that when people tell me that I’m too quiet I say it’s because I rarely make sense when I talk.

… that the best part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

… that when a friend says, ‘Oh no, that’s so mean, I can’t say that,’ I say, ‘Give me the phone.’

… that even though I bought new shoes with memory foam insoles I still cannot remember why I walked into the kitchen.

… that I keep forgetting that aging is a process; I was in bed last night for twenty minutes when I heard the pizza guy cough and realized I’d gone to my room to get my wallet.

Why Is It ...

… that before you slip into my DMs, you need to look between the ‘T’ and the ‘U’ on your keyboard.

… that while I finally quit drinking for good, I am still drinking for evil.

… that people need to know that if they see me looking zoned out, it’s because I’m having a therapy session inside my head.

… that I have never had a Welcome mat at my house? Because I’m not a liar.

… that people don’t realize that I am no longer interested in Driving at Night, Leaving My House at Night, Driving in Winter, Leaving My House in Winter. Driving, and Leaving the House.

… that I’d rather clean the whole house than do dishes.

… that I lie awake at night thinking what if I get kidnapped and I have a stuffy nose and they duct tape my mouth.

… that every day around midnight I am shocked to find out it’s only 5PM.

… that when yet another coworker asked if I could be more annoying, the next day I showed up wearing tap shoes.

… that I could be the bigger person, but being the reason HR makes a new policy is much more exciting.

Why Is It ...

… that even when I’m on my third ‘mhm’, they just keep on speaking!

… that no one realizes that when you falsely accuse me of having an attitude, it creates exactly the attitude that you thought I had.

… that I really want to be nice but everyone annoys me?

… that cocktails are so dangerous; I mean, they often taste like juice and then suddenly you can’t walk.

… that I’m too old for Snapchat and too young for Life Alert.

… that every single day there is something to do and I am sick of it.

… that I feel like Willie Nelson’s been the same age my whole life?

… that while it’s nice to see people embracing therapy, a few of you are in need of an exorcism.

… that I always have the need to get the last word, even if I have to mail it to you.