I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

Poor Nicolas Cage. It looks like his crazy hair finally turned the rest of him completely nuts.It seems Little Nicky was arrested last weekend in Louisiana after an, er, altercation, with his wife of six years, Alice.

Nicky was ALLEGEDLY very drunk, prowling the tattoo parlors and bars of New Orleans when a taxi driver ALLEGEDLY spotted Mr and Mrs Hasbeen Actor arguing loudly in the streets. Sidenote: you'd have to argue pretty loudly to cause a disturbance on the streets of the French Quarter.
The cab driver watched the fight for a moment, but the minute Little Nicky shoved Mrs. Little Nicky, the cabbie called the police. Which then lead to a very odd confrontation between Cage and the authorities. The NOLA police, not wanting to make a big scene by arresting a formally huge star, repeatedly asked Cage to just leave quietly.
But Nicky wasn't having it. That's what the Dronk does to you. Cage ALLEGEDLY taunted the police into taking him into custody, refusing their requests for him to quietly go home. Instead, Mr. Big Shot Asshat kept asking, "Why don't you just arrest me?"
So they did. And Nicky and his hair were charged with disturbing the peace and domestic violence.
Nicky was kept in lockdown, awaiting a bail hearing while his wife ALLEGEDLY denied that any physical violence occurred, and refused to press charges. But Nicky is known for his public outbursts and rages. There was a blow-up on a movie set in Romania, as well as a previous bar fight in New Orleans last year.
And there is also his ongoing battle with the IRS, who claims Nicky owes them millions in back taxes. Also the wife of Nicky's first-born recently sued him for $13 million, ALLEGEDLY for back child support. And Nicky himself, probably knowing he needed the cash, filed suit for $20 million against his business manager, Samuel Levin--who simply said that Nicky lives beyond his means, and then filed a countersuit ALLEGING that Nicky was  continually advised to curtail his spending, including the purchases of yachts, Rolls Royce's and fifteen homes.
Nicky. Could your life get any more out of control?

Apparently it can.

Down in New Orleans, where Nicky Cage sat in jail, awaiting a bail hearing, reality TV star Dog the Bounty Hunter bailed him out by posting a bond of $11,000.
Really? A reality TV show star had to come to your rescue? Why not offer the bail judge a Rolls or a yacht in exchange for a Get Out Of Jail Free card?
Dog, AKA Duane Chapman, who never met a situation he didn't want to exploit for his own purposes, released a statement: "Media from around the world have been requesting interviews with me today after reports surfaced about my posting a bond for actor Nicolas Cage in New Orleans....I am a truly dedicated fan of Mr. Cage and will not be granting any interviews about my client as I wish to respect his privacy. I performed my duties as a bail bondsman and not in connection with our show."
In other words Here's what I did and how nice I am and how much I love brilliant [sarcasm] actor, Nicolas Cage, but I will not be talking about how I personally bailed him out and then called the media.
And then, after he said he would say no more, he added, "This is what I do for a living. There are two sides of my job: I release my clients after they have been arrested; and pick them up if they don't show up in court. I do not believe the latter will be the case for Mr. Cage."
Still, I'd keep Nicky on a short leash, Dog.
And, pardon my pessimism, but don't be surprised if you see Nicky in some big budget piece of trash movie where he plays a bounty hunter with bad hair--because he's got that part covered already--and one Duane Chapman is paid a handsome sum to be an advisor.
Just sayin'.

File this under: Wackadoo Mother-effers.

Ninety-four-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Prince [and he's not a real prince] Frederic von Anhalt, wants his wife to become a mother again by using an egg donor, artificial insemination and a surrogate mother.
No. Seriously. And, one wonders why.
Dollar signs.
Freddie the Freeloader says: "I've gone through the initial steps of donor matching and blood work and next week the donation process will begin."
I'm not the only one stunned by this news. Zsa Zsa's only child--or formerly her only child--Francesca Hilton, described herself as shocked when told of the plan: "That's just weird."
But Von Anhalt says he is working with Dr. Mark Surry of the Southern California Reproductive Center in Beverly Hills, and, in that fatherly toner that one gets while awaiting the birth of guaranteed inheritance rights, said: "I'm a retired guy. I can take care of it."
It?
He also says Gabor talked about adding a new baby to the family and he wants to carry out her wishes. But, Freddie, she talked about adding another child to the family twenty-five years ago, when she was in her sixties. To which, von Anhalt swears that Zsa Zsa, who is gravely ill, brought up the subject again only months ago.
And he just wants to make her happy, and get a little executor control on the estate when Zsa Zsa passes. Oh, but he says he's not doing it for the money, he's doing it because he wants someone to carry on the Gabor name, because, you know, it's famous, or something. Or at least was about fifty years ago.
Why doesn't Freddie just change his name to Greedy Gabor? Problem solved!

Interesting story out of the NYC this week.

Apparently, my Husband-in-my-head, Anderson "Randy Andy" Cooper, came home to find a drunk emptying his bladder all over the front door of Andy's building.
Andy was incensed by the smell of hot urine on mahogany and instantly called the police.
No, wait. He Tweeted about it first:
Just got home, found drunk guy peeing on my bldg front door. He asked for my pic. Instead I took his. Am tempted to tweet it out. Annoying!about 10 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
Now, to be fair, I wasn't just peeing on his door.
i was marking my territory.
So, follow Andy on Twitter and let me know if he Tweets my pic. I hope Little Bob and I look good!

In this whole Charlie Sheen mess, who do I feel most sorry for?
Denise Richards? Nah, she's making millions off Crazy in child support and media attention.
Brooke Mueller, who ALLEGEDLY survived a Charlie Sheen knife attack?
Or maybe it's his kids. Not so much the ones with Denise, and not so much the one he had with some model way back when. But the twins he had with Mueller.
I mean, they're just babies and their Daddy has gone off the deep-end.
And now, so has Mommy.

It seems that Charlie's latest estranged wife, and mother to his twins, Brooke Mueller, has once again gone all Lohan and checked into rehab for another try.
Mueller entered rehab after a week of ALLEGED drug binging, followed by her refusal to submit to a drug test even though it was required under the terms of her custody settlement with Sheen.
Wow, lovely parents who need to have weekly drug tests.
Mueller's representatives--and by representative, I mean, of course, dealers--say the 33-year-old has ALLEGEDLY re-entered rehab as a precautionary step should Sheen's lawyers bring up the drug test issue in court.
Wow, nice spin. You check into rehab in case someone brings up the fact that you're a serial drug abuser?
This is Mueller's second stab at rehab. She had previously rehabbed for ALLEGED drug and alcohol abuse issues in 2010. And just last week, she was caught on camera last week trying to pawn a pricey watch and stereo equipment in an attempt to get some quick cash.
Quick cash for what, honey?
Well, as some of her 'friends' ALLEGE, Brooke is only using drugs again because of ALLEGED calls asking for clean urine and recent cash concerns.
So, she's using drugs because she's afraid of being drug tested?
Or she's using drugs, costly drugs, because she's worried about money?
Brooke Mueller receives $55,000 a month from Charlie Sheen.
Like I said, these two losers can have each other, but someone needs to take care of those kids. Maybe a nice gay couple?

Not so fast, I guess.

Charlie Sheen's lawyer--and, sheesh, that guy must be on speed dial--will ALLEGEDLY ask a judge to grant both legal and physical custody of the boys to Sheen because of Brooke's drug relapse.
Of course, it also occurs to Sheen that if he gets custody of his boys he wouldn't be shelling out 55K a month. And think how many hookers he could buy, especially now that he's out of a job.
And Charlie Sheen has found an unlikely ally during this new drama with Mueller: his ex-wife, mother to two of his other children, and ginormous media whore, Denise Richards. According to rumors, Richards ALLEGEDLY heard about Mueller's bizarre behavior and rehab stint and offered to help until the situation settled down.
Denise then ALLEGEDLY called Sheen and offered to take care of the twins and let them live with her while Sheen was on the road with his 'Torpedo of Truth' tour. He reportedly told her he'd "keep her posted" on the situation.
I wonder if Denise also then asked for the 55K, too.
See, it is all about the money, not about those two boys and their drug-addicted parents.

This is funny.

M. Night Shyamalan, director of 1999's Oscar-nominated, 'The Sixth Sense,' was poised to be the Next Big Thing, the New Spielberg. He had no idea it would all be downhill from there.
Cut to 2010, where Night's latest movie, 'The Last Airbender', swept the film awards at a recent show. Only, it wasn't Oscar, or Golden Globe, or even BAFTA. He won all sorts of Razzies for his latest flop. Can it get any worse?
Oh, but it can.
Three movie fans are trying to raise $150,000 to send M. Night Shyamalan back to film school. It seems one of the fans--and I use that term loosely--came up with the idea after seeing a preview for a movie called 'Devil'. When the words "from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan" came up on-screen, the audience howled and an idea was born.
Baker was joined by two friends, one of whom developed the idea of "M. Night School" as a name for the website. When news broke that Shyamalan was daring to make yet another disaster--'1000 A.E.' starring 'Karate Kid' Jaden Smith and his dad, Will Smith--the trio went live with their campaign.
So far, the boys have raised just $520.
But, if you love movies, and realize that Shyamalan needs a little re-education in the art of filmmaking, please give....give til it hurts.
A man's career hangs in the balance.

As Lindsay Lohan awaits trial on a felony theft charge, she has something positive to look forward to in the near future: two possible movie deals. One, is a documentary called 'Prison Laundry' while the other is a cinema vérité piece called 'Drug Addict Jewel Thief'.
I kid.

Kind of. It seems that Hollywood producer Marc Fiore has Lohan in mind for, not one, but two, upcoming movies, one of which is the much-rumored 'Gotti' biopic: "I want Lindsay to be in 'Gotti' and another movie that I'm producing. She's a great, great actress."
I did not make up that last line. Seriously.I.Did.Not.
To her credit, Lohan, desperate to be seen as more of an actress than a criminal, is quite interested in the role of Victoria Gotti. In fact, she even showed up unannounced and uninvited to stand next to Victoria Gotti at a press event.
Balls.Of.Steel.
Fiore also hopes to see Lohan in is 'Mob Street,' a Wall Street-centered mafia flick written by Chazz Palminteri.
Funny. All these movies, and Lindsay would be playing criminals, or relatives of criminals. Who says art doesn't imitate life?

But not anymore. It looks like there's one contract that even the Gotti family won't take out.

Lindsay Lohan is no longer up for the role of Victoria Gotti, daughter of legendary mob boss John Gotti, in the upcoming film 'Gotti: Three Generations.'
After trumpeting Lindsay as the most talented actress ever and saying he wanted to work with her over and over again, producer Mark Fiore now says: "We are not talking any further about Lindsay playing Victoria. She is no longer being considered. The talks have stopped. We are going to meet with other people."
Ouch. Dina must be rolling over in her grave.
Cuz she's like a vampire, I mean.
It seems only days ago that Lohan showed up unwelcome and unwanted at a press conference with Victoria Gotti and John Travolta. And it was only days ago that both Gotti and Miss Travolta sang the actress's praises, with Gotti saying: "I think she's doing great; I think she's going to continue to do great and she's got a lot of people rooting for her."
Those people rooting for her are all the people to whom she owes money.
Travolta added, "I've always thought [Lohan] was gorgeous and talented and filled with a lot of depth. So, I think that whatever she would like to do would be great with me."
What she'd like to do to Travolta is befriend him and then break into his house and steal all the costumes he wore as Big Edna in 'Hairspray'.
 Just sayin'.

How do you follow up being a media whore on a reality TV show, scamming your way into the White House, trying out for a rehab show only to be let go because you aren't addicted to anything other than fame and then finding out that your first reality show has been canceled?

What's a fame-hungry girl like Michaele Salahi to do? Pose for Playboy, of course. Because the world wants to see her rib cage and fake tatas. Only, even Playboy has standards.
Salahi, the now canceled fame-whore of the 'Real Housewives of DC' star, and self-described former model--I giggle at that--recently shot a series of sexy pictures and sent them to Playboy along with a letter begging to be in the magazine.
Hef.Said.No.
A source close to the magazine--and by source I mean the guy that strategically places the bunny logo onto every Playboy cover--says that Michaele was informed via email: "There is no opportunity this calendar year to offer you a cover opportunity or place for your pictorial."
They added: "So here are your skanky pictures back and we'll be sending you the bill from out opthalmologist who treated our eyes for severe retina burns after viewing your picture."
Not to be out-done in the media-whore-ness department, Michaele's chubby asshat hubby Tareq also sent nudie pics of himself to Playgirl.
They're still dealing with the stench of a group vomit over there.

We all know that Justin Timberlake lost his beard.
He broke up with Jessica Biel.
Now, there are reports that JT is ALLEGEDLY losing his hair.

Timberlake, who used to rock the curls, has now taken to wearing his hair closely cropped; and by closely cropped, I mean scalp-length.
A friend--and by friend I mean a bartender at the Ramrod--says Timberlake is mortified by his thinning hair and that is the reason for his very close haircuts: "He's keeping his hair super-short so no one notices."
Oh, honey, we noticed.
Timberlake's "friend" adds: "He's using specially formulated shampoo to promote hair growth. He certainly doesn't want to go bald!"
Oh, butcha'are Blanche, butcha'are goin' bald.
But, at least he's working on the beard loss. He has ALLEGEDLY been trying to hook-up with his 'Friends with Benefits' co-star Mila Kunis, but she refused his advances, saying, "Ewwwwwww." And he has also been seen with 'Tron: Legacy' star Olivia Wilde, who, through a friend, said, "Ewwww."
Just sayin'.

This story warms my cold, tiny, pus-filled, stone-like heart.

A group of people, ALLEGEDLY paid by Gwyneth Paltrow to be The Friends Of Gwyneth Paltrow, showed up at a dinner party to collect a paycheck and "celebrate" the actress-singer-blogger-maniacal-egotist's cookbook, 'My Father's Daughter.'
Employees of Paltrow, like Jay-Z, Cameron Diaz, Alex Rodriguez and Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld all told stories of how Gwynnie is not like the rest of us. She's better.
But one person, ALLEGEDLY not on the payroll, showed up, and wasn't that impressed by Missy P and all her holier-than-thou-ness. And that someone was none-other than Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. Martin ALLEGEDLY arrived cranky and his publicist warned, "he doesn't want to talk."

A party filled with people paid to praise his wife and Chris doesn't want to talk? I think I love him. But it is a little odd when your own hubby doesn't want to talk at a party promoting you, isn't it?
Luckily, the other employees loved talking Gwyneth.
Jessica Seinfeld, obviously angling for a substantial year-end bonus, ALLEGEDLY told the crowd how lucky they were to be invited: "You are all so lucky to be part of Gwyneth's world. Because this is the real deal. And she's invited all of you good people in here. I would never do that."
Then supermodel Christy Turlington reveled in how Gwyneth is a whiz when it comes to killing lobsters--and by lobsters, I, of course, mean employees who don't follow protocol: "It's not the boiling-in-the-pot-and-screaming lobster thing. It's a different, faster approach. You stick a knife through the head."
Sounds like a Gwynnie mob hit.
Even Michael Stipe played dutiful paid guest: "Once, a duck she was cooking caught fire, and she threw it in the pool."
Along with a party goer who looked hotter than Gwyneth, and another guest who didn't bow and scrape properly.
Still, amidst all this paid advertisement, and praise for All Things Paltrow, her husband, smart man that he is, hovered in a corner, sipping a Ketel One and Tonic and plotting his escape from Paltrow World.
Godspeed Chris. Godspeed.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But....

Oh, it simply isn't a good week unless Lindsay makes the news.
And she has, by starring in a Direct-To-Surveillance Video production of Did She Or Didn't She?

It seems that Kamofie & Co--where Lindsay ALLEGEDLY stole the necklace, that she gave back ten days later just as the police were coming to search her house for it--has sold the surveillance video that shows Sticky Fingers Lohan leaving their store without, um, well, paying for everything.
A source--and by source, I mean Lindsay's fence--says: "The jewelry store wanted a bidding war to maximize profits."
And apparently Entertainment Tonight had the maximum cash.
And this little bit of news is two-fold--good and bad--for Machine Gun Lohan.
On one hand, it is just another bit of embarrassment for the serial rehabber, drug addict, carjacker and kidnapper.
But, on the other hand, it doesn't look good for the prosecution when the jewelry store makes a profit off the ALLEGED crime.
So, some are saying Bugsy Lohan just may have gotten a break.
Another one.

There are reports coming from across the pond--that would be the Atlantic Ocean for some of the less worldly readers--that George Michael's partner Kenny Goss has left the singer.

Sources--and by sources I mean the guys kept on retainer for keeping George out of the public restrooms--say that Goss, Michael's partner for more than 15 years, has finally had enough of the singer's troubled lifestyle, like his drug problems and his serial cruising issues.
George Michael, in a kind of Lindsay lohan sentence, served 27 days of an eight-week sentence for crashing his car into a photo booth while under the influence of marijuana.
And that last incident might have been the coke straw that broke the camel's back.
But all may not be lost for the happily gay duo.
It seems that George Michael is taking a page from another druggie's handbook--that would be Charlie Sheen--and going on radio to say that he and Kenny are fine, and still together. He also Tweeted--because that's the new thing--that the reports of the Goss/Michael split are untrue: "Would someone Tweet 5wrightstuff and tell them the Sun is lying through its teeth as usual."
Michael later on called into the show to personally say that the story was untrue: "It is complete b******t about myself and Kenny breaking up. Don't believe this story. We've had our problems, but he's never had a problem with my lifestyle. I love Kenny very much."
Kenny, however, has no comment.

NeNe Leakes is one mean bitch.
First, she ended the season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta with yet another big fight with castmate, and fake boobery, Kim Zolciak.

Then she took aim at her co-star on Celebrity Apprentice, Miss Star I'm a lawyer! Jones.
And she's taking her feud to every TV show imaginable, in what I call The Charlie Sheen Syndrome.
On The Talk, which is a knock-off of The View, the show that knocked Star Jones off TV in the first place, NeNe said: "Star's not nice. I believe...that anybody who has ever worked with her would side with me. She's not a nice person. She's a witch...with a 'b' in front."
NeNe then goes on to say that, in her usual way of being all sweetness and light, when she first joined Apprentice, she went to dinner and lunch with Star--grrrrrl, you know Star just loves to eat--and even double-dated with Jones, because she had "no preconceived notions" and "wanted to get to know her."
Now she says Star is a "back stabber."
Hearing the word stab being bandied about, Star Jones ALLEGEDLY hired security to protect her.
And bring her sammiches.

Another of those "real" housewives, Jill Zarin, of The Real Housewives of New York, is now saying that her friendship with Bethenny Frankel, played out for three season on the show, was really not a friendship at all.

Which explains why, at the last reunion show, Zarin cried and begged Frankel to be her friend again.
Now, Zarin calls it a "TV romance" that went bad.
Jill Zarin: "The truth is, I don't even remember being friends with her anymore. You know, when I see her picture and when I see her on TV, I don't even remember our relationship. Which kinda says something."
Yeah..................about you and your idea of friendship.
The duo's "friendship" went up in flames last year on RHoNY, no doubt helped by Jill Zarin's obsession with Bethenny, even going so far as to break the news of Bethhenny's pregnancy before Bethenny even had the chance to do it herself.
Jill now says she's fine with the non-existent-friendship-that-never-was: "People thought we came into the show with that romance," she said. "We didn't. We fell in love on TV and we got a divorce on TV."
And please don't make anything of Jill's latest revelations coming just as RHoNY is about to start it's first season, without Frankel.
Yeah......no jealousy there.

Oh, Nicky.

A mere three months after being videotaped going Charlie Sheen outside a nightclub in Romania, Nicolas Cage was once again involved in an incident at a New Orleans bar and had to be escorted back to his hotel.
It seems that police were called to upscale restaurant Stella on Chartres Street night after a window was broken, and, upon arrival, authorities determined that Nic should be escorted back to his hotel for his "own safety."
The police say: "We can confirm that we did respond to an incident at that location on Friday night at around 10:45PM and that Mr. Cage needed some assistance to go back to his hotel. A window was found to be broken at the restaurant, but the owners decided it was an internal matter and that they would handle it."
In other words, don't give any bad press to Nicolas Cage.
He's a big star. He was in Moonstruck and.....and.......and........anyone?

You know , sometimes you ought to just cut your losses and walk away.
Or, if you can't, well, then, just walk away.
You've all heard the drama about the $65 million Broadway production Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, right? Accidents? People falling from the sky. Broken bones. Concussions.
And that's just at the ticket booth.
I kid.

Well, Julie Taymor, the Tony Award-winning director of the The Lion King was essentially a fail-safe to lead the biggest musical production in Broadway history. And with a score by living rock legends U2's Bono and The Edge, the show's destiny as a wild success seemed set in stone.
A stone falling from the sky.
Now the production is practically bankrupt, there has been one major cast overhaul, five delayed openings, four cast injuries--one nearly fatal--and a slew of scathing reviews.
And the show hasn't even opened yet!
So, ALLEGEDLY, looking for a scapegoat, producers might be willing to let Julie go.
Sources--and by sources I mean the web spinning team--say that negotiations took place this week, which including Julie's request for more control, of rewriting the script, rewriting the score and, again, setting a new date for its release.
But, according to the source, the producers are looking to get Julie Taymor out of there and replace her with........Bono!?!?
Despite admitting the production is flawed, Taymor has asserted that it's headed in the right direction.
Toward closing before it officially opens, I think.

Hey, can't people be addicted to fame? And, if so, can't they get help for it?
Well, apparently not if you're one-half of the White House Part Crashing Duds, Michaele Salahi, who was kicked out of the latest season of Celebrity Rehab when it was discovered that she suffered no addictions.

Well, except for that whole addicted to see her skeletal frame and ratted hair and fat jerk of a husband on TV.
You know, that kind of addiction.
A source--and by source I mean Mackenzie Phillips, who is still in rehab--says Salahi was released from the show as she failed to show any signs of an addiction: "Dr. Drew did a thorough medical examination of her, including a full neurological check-up, and she is fine. Michaele is all drama, that is her main issue."
Ain't drama an addiction?
See: Charlie Sheen.
See: Lindsay Lohan.
The source also claims Michaele was a distraction for other cast members and complained Dr. Drew wasn't properly treating her multiple sclerosis.
Um, Michaele? You bag of rattling fame obsessed bones, he's an addiction doctor, so unless you're saying you're addicted to MS, get the f**k out, and shut the f**k up.
Michaele's husband Tareq "I Wouldn't Know The Truth If It Rode Up To Me On A Polo Pony Drinking Wine From My Vineyard" Salahi says his fame-addled wife only agreed to do the show to get help with her MS: "She was really leaning on Dr. Drew who is a respected doctor to get her through some of the issues after the White House, when she went to Congress, when she went into relapse with her multiple sclerosis. She takes this very seriously."
No, she takes feeding her fame addiction seriously.

Mel Gibson too the deal!

According to sources--and by sources I mean the voices in his head--Gibson has taken a plea deal in his ongoing criminal case. He is said to be making an appearance in court this week and make a no contest battery plea.
That means he did it, but won't do jail time for hitting the mother of his child.
It seems that Melvin had a change of heart about the deal when he learned that Alexander "Sasha" Dalton, the son of Mel's ALLEGEDLY abused baby mama Oksana Grigorieva, was set to testify as the star witness.
As Astro might say: Ruh Roh.
A source--and by source I mean any one of the countless people who been subjected to the abuses of Mel Gibson...and I count myself among them because I say Signs, too--says: "One major reason why this case was being brought against Mel Gibson, more than a year after the alleged incident took place, is because Sasha was made available to testify at a potential criminal trial against Mel. Sasha's involvement and cooperation in the case was absolutely essential, and because he is a minor, both of his parents had to agree to let him participate, and that took some time to make happen."
So, Melvin caved, and admitted he's a spousal batterer to save his Catholic behind from prison where he would no doubt star in Prison Bitch. 

Rihanna has announced that she will not be playing the Whitney Houston role in a remake of The Bodyguard.

Rihanna says she won't take the role because the part isn't challenging enough for her, and plus, she spends most of her time keeping her hair that color of red, and, well, that's more important.
Rihanna also says she would rather escape into a role and not just play a singer: "Absolutely not. I want to separate the two. I hate it when singers do singing movies all the time, because you can never look at them as anybody else."
So, um, that's all good, you know, that she turned down the role, except for that one nagging bit of information she forgot to mention:
No.One.Offered.Her.The.Role.
Yes, she turned down a role that was even hers. And, she turned it down because she wanted to make her big screen debut in, oh, this is rich, Battleship, the movie version of that popular game.
You sunk my battleship.
And ALLEGEDLY, her film career.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But........

I hate to say I told you so but.......

Lindsay Lohan failed a pair of drug tests this week and it looks like, if the judge is true to his word, that she is going back to the slammer for 30 days.

And hopefully, she'll serve all thirty days and not just a long weekend.

At first, the Lohan camp was denying the failed tests, but then Lindsay herself took to Twitter to confess:

"Regrettably, I did in fact fail my most recent drug test and if I am asked, I am prepared to appear before judge Fox next week as a result.
"Substance abuse is a disease, which unfortunately doesn't go away over night. I am working hard to overcome it and am taking positive steps forward every day. I am testing every single day and doing what I must do to prevent any mishaps in the future.
"This was certainly a setback for me but I am taking responsibility for my actions and I'm prepared to face the consequences.
"I am so thankful for the support of my fans, loved ones and immediate family, who understand that i am trying hard, but also that I am a work in progress, just as anyone else. I am keeping my faith, and I am hopeful….Thank you all!!!

Um, yeah, I won't hold my breath on this one. I imagine Lindsay, on her way to court, will stop by the nail salon and have another message painted on her middle finger.

And, I imagine, that Dina will spin this some way to make it seem like it's anyone's and everyone's fault, except hers and Lindsay.

And then we'll start all over again.

Oh Oprah. Your ego is as big as your waistline.
And, apparently, getting bigger all the time.
It seems that Oprah, the falling star of daytime TV, who is getting out just in time, surprised her audience the other day with a trip to Australia for all of them.
Not, you know, to say Thanks for watching me all these years but rather to say I am the richest woman in the world and none of you can ever touch me.
But it seems that more than $3 million dollars are going to be spent to bring Oprah and zombies to tape a show at the Sydney Opera House, but Tourism Minister Martin Ferguson said the cost is completely reasonable for what they're getting in return:
"This truly represents an amazing opportunity to showcase Australia, the warmth and hospitality of our people and the depth and breadth of everything our country has to offer visitors from around the world. Tourism Australia is finally getting it together. We as a nation will win as a result of this coup. I think it's money well spent."
Tourism Australia is partly financing "Project O," contributing $1.5 million from its current financial year marketing budget.
Isn't it funny how Oprah plays off the "I'm taking you to Australia," when in fact she isn't paying for a thing, and will probably get a paycheck while she's there? And, naturally, as with her infamous "free" car giveaway years ago, her audience must pay the taxes on the entire eight-day trip.
Some gift.
Sidenote:
Australia? Oprah going Down Under. Put another school of shrimp on the barbie.
Girlfriend is hungry.

Shaquille O'Neal is being sued by Shawn Darling, a former employee, for emotional distress, invasion of privacy and racketeering. Darling was employed by O'Neal from 2007 to 2009, and says he worked on several "creepy" projects for the NBA star.
He has ALLEGEDLY witnessed O'Neal hacking into voicemails, use law enforcement contacts to gain info about his mistresses,throw a personal computer with evidence in a nearby lake and conspire with active police to frame Darling for a criminal offense.
Uh oh.
Back in 2008, Shaq styarted having an affair with Alexis Miller--who has her own laqwsuit against O'Neal for harassment and stalking--and Shawn Darling says O'Neal asked him to find every email and text that he sent to Miller. He was then asked to perform a clean sweep of O'Neal's computer, wiping out every trace of Alexis Miller.
And if that isn't enough, Darling's lawsuit ALLEGES that "O'Neal, along with his houseboy Joe Caballero, disposed of the computer in the lake behind O'Neal's house and gave Darling cash to buy another replacement I-Mac."
It got ugly in 20098 when Shaq began another affair with Vanessa Lopez. Shawn Darling tried to warn her that O'Neal was hacking into her voicemails, deleting messages and changing her passwords, and Lopez ran to O'Neal with the story.
Darlind claims that O'Neal then began to send him threatening messages, attempted to break into his voicemail and tried to frame Darling for possession of child pornography with the help of an Arizona detective. His goal was that the computer would be confiscated and the evidence of an affair with Lopez would be gone.
Creepy.

I love adulterers who deny being adulterers and then come out and admit they cheated on their spouses and try to make a case for being liars and cheaters.

Yes, LeAnn Rimes, I'm talking to your sorry ass.

LeAnn Rimes: "I understand why people are disappointed in me, especially since I grew up as America's sweetheart. I think any relationship is hard to get out of, and I don't think the way I did it was right. It wasn't a fulfilling marriage for either of us. As we got older, we grew apart."

First off: America's sweetheart? Honey, please. You're a fourth-rate Carrie Underwood on your best day.

Second off: I'm sick of that whole "grew apart" bullshiz. If you grow apart, then move apart, and file for divorce, and get a divorce, and then schtup Eddie Cibrian all you want...at least after he gets a divorce, too.

But don't get caught cheating and then deny it and then leave your husband and move in with the cheater and then blame it all on growing apart.

The only thing that grew apart was your knees.

Shut up already, because you'll be coming up with a new story when Cibrian cheats on you.

Unless you cheat on him first.

File This Under: I'm Getting A Lawn Chair and A Tiny BBQ and Getting In Line Now.

Cher! The Musical!

Yup, after the fantastic Cher appeared on the VMA's in that glittery bodysuit, at age 64 for the love of Gaga, there have been rumors a'rumbling.

Producer-director-writer Andy Fickman has confirmed that he has a theatrical piece, drawn from Cher's life and career, on the way:

"We'll be making announcements about that project coming together shortly. She's a fairly phenomenal character, Cher -- as a human being I think she's one of the great icons of all time, a force to be reckoned with. The way she looked onstage with Lady Gaga, well, it's one for the books."

Fickman isn't saying much more, but he's said enough for me to be readying a trip to a sidewalk in front of a theater somewhere.

Cher! The Musical!

I wonder how many drag queens it'll take to play Cher through the years!

Well, it looks like it's still going on.

Lindsay Lohan is still crying and whining that she shouldn't have to go to jail for her little indiscretions, and that she's only being punished because she's ,ahem, a star. She is begging the judge to let her out of jail on bail.

Lindsay says........What? I'm sorry? It's not Lindsay this time? Oh.

George Michael? Not Lindsay?

Okay. So, George Michael, who was sentenced to 8 weeks in jail, is the, ahem, star who is desperately trying to obtain a Get Out Of Jail card.

A source--and by source I mean George's roommate Bubba--says:

"George is desperate to get out of Pentonville and still can't quite believe he's there. He's pinning all his hopes on a judge giving him bail."
George feels that the sentencing is excessive and that bail should be set because his jail term could have ended before any appeal is heard. But, i think it's his prior record of drinking and driving and drugging and driving and trolling for meat in public parks that may be the problem that is keeping him in jail for a few weeks.

I mean, it's England, and he won't be doing Lindsay time there. They take criminal offenses seriously over there.

Quelle surprise!

FOX has announced that next Wednesday, American Idol host Ryan Seacrest will be unveiling the new line-up of judges for the coming 10th season of Idol.

Um, yeah, FOX? We already knew this, and we already don't care.
See, it's gonna be Jennifer "I need a career boost because my movies flop and my records don't sell and my husband is a hasbeen" Lopez, Steven "Where am I?" Tyler, and Randy "I'll stay only if you give me Simon Cowell money" Jackson.

Yeah, me, too. I'm done with Idol.

No Simon? No Bob.

No Ellen? No Bob.

No fresh talent? No Bob.

And, sad to say, Idol is opening up the audition process to online performances.

Train....followed quickly by.....wreck.

I am a Real Housewives of New York fan.

And I will not be seeking a Twelve-Step program to save me.

But I don't like the OC wives because they are fake boobs, teeth, tans, and hair, and that much plastic doesn't read well on my TV set. As for the Mafia wives, they are just plain ugly and mean and undeniably stupid. The Atlanta girls are just trash.

Then came the DC Wives. I refused to watch because they promoted Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the White House party crashers and self-indulgent, self-involved media whores.

Well, it seems that Bravo, who thought the Salahi's and their special brand of idiocy would bring ratings to the network, has done an aboutface. The Salahi's are out.

Yippee!

Sources--and by sources I mean the guys who work in the mailroom at Bravo and are kept around to service Andy Cohen--say:

"The DC show is the only show in the entire franchise that isn't a true hit. And the Salahi's are the biggest reason for that. At first, execs thought they struck gold with all the attention the couple got over the White House dinner. But now they realize not all press is good press and this couple's involvement in the show has turned more viewers off than on."
The Salahis are ALLEGEDLY miffed because they say Bravo kept them from talking about being pathetic media whores, and so they refused to attend the Housewives of D.C. launch party, and hosted a competing party the same night!
A fellow castmate--and by that i mean any one of the other bee-yotches who sell their lives for fifteen minutes of fame--says:

"At this point, they are an embarrassment to the 'Housewife' franchise. They are a loose cannon. Now, Michaele has revealed she has multiple sclerosis; next she'll be announcing she is pregnant with triplets to get attention."

Like I said, media. Whores.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

Someone is obviously jealous that Lindsay's getting all the press.

No-talent, asshat, ho.............tel heiress, Paris Hilton was arrested last night in Las Vegas for cocaine possession. If we check the Paris Hilton Drug Arrest board this makes, um, her third such arrest this summer, after two scrapes with the law in South Africa and Europe for pot possession.

Yeah, she really wants the Lindsay Lohan Fame.

According to police, Paris was the passenger in a vehicle that was pulled over after officers noticed the car leaving a "smoke trail". The driver was arrested for DUI of the drug, not alcohol, sort, and Paris Skankton was discovered to be in possession of a controlled substance.

Tests revealed that substance to be cocaine, and Paris was arrested, though she was released on her own recognizance.

I don't think she even knows what that means.

It seems that he hasn't made the gossip pages in about thirty seconds so Levi Johnston decided to remedy the situation. He has decided to take back his apology to Mama Grizzly Bore.
Levi, hungry for fame, told the CBS Early Show that the only thing he regrets doing is making an apology to The Quitter From Wasilla:
"The only thing I wish I wouldn't have done is put out that apology, because it kind of makes me sound like a liar. And I've never lied about anything. So that's probably the only thing. The rest of the stuff I can live with."
If you'll recall, his original apology was no doubt releases to keep the spotlight a'shining on him. It was then that he said "things about the Palins that were not completely true." And he added that he had privately apologized to The Moron and her husband, Mister Moron.
His two-time former fiance, and baby mama, Bristol, even weighed in following the apology to praise Johnston for doing the "honorable thing."
Uh huh, she knows all about honorable.
Johnston told CBS that the original apology was "something I did to make my fiancee happy. She wanted it so we wrote something down and we sent it out because that's what she wanted. Together we put it out there."
And when The Eye asked him why he'd sign something he didn't believe, Levi said, "I'm as dumb as a stump."
Okay, I said he was dumb as a stump. He said, "Trust me it's easier to make them happy. If you gotta live with them, you gotta make them happy. I wish I hadn't put out that apology, it makes me look like a liar. The rest of stuff I can live with."
As long as it brings him fame.
Like one-time-almost-mama-bore-in-law, Levi hungers for the limelight.
That whole asshat group is just made for each other.

Y'all know that Australia used to be a Penal Colony, right?
Tee hee. Penal.
And it is apparently a penal colony again today for one Paul Hogan, star of a string of movie hits--okay, two hits and a misfire--back in the mid-1950s.
Hogan has actually been barred from leaving Australia until he pays a disputed tax bill, his lawyer said on Thursday. This is odd, only because Hogan currently lives in Los Angeles, so, is he a fugitive? Is there a bounty on his head?
Nope, he went back to Australia to attend the funeral of his mother, Florence, where he was served with an Australian Taxation Office order that prevents him from leaving Australia until he settles a multimillion dollar tax bill.
Yikes! Put another shrimp on the barbie! Hogan's gonna be Down Under for a while.
His lawyer, Andrew Robinson said: "These may not be the appropriate circumstances to effectively make Paul a prisoner of Australia" because it is "absolutely devastating" for his wife, and Crocodile Dundee co-star Linda Kozlowski, and their 12-year-old son Chance, who stayed in LA rather than attend the funeral.
Australian tax and crime investigators have fought Hogan for five-years in Australian and U.S. courts to investigate evidence that he used offshore bank accounts to conceal earnings since his low-budget Dundee trilogy became international hits in the 80s.
The 80s? Really?
Authorities claim Hogan owes taxes on 38 million Australian dollars--$34 million US bucks--in ALLEGEDLY undisclosed income. Hogan, obviously, has denied any wrongdoing and disputes the tax bill.
But until then, he's stuck in a penal colony.
Tee hee.

Someone is a Diva!
Twilight, um, star[?] Taylor Lautner, who is really only famous for his abs, is suing McMahon’s RV Dealership in Irvine, CA for not delivering his $300,000 customized trailer in time for the start of his new film Abduction.
Dee.Vah!
According to Lautner, the deal had been negotiated by his daddy, Dan, and he was supposed to have his trailer by June. Since it didn't arrive in time, and he probably had to stay in a $100,000 RV, Tay-Tay is stomping his feet and throwing his tiara and suing the dealership for breach of contract and fraud.
So, what does someone with little real talent, except for the ability to do crunches by the hundreds, want in an RV? Well, I"m glad you asked. Tay-Tay's customizations include:

• A very extensive ab-workout machine, which spans the entire length of the trailer.
• A built-in juice bar, which makes smoothies that are conducive to maintaining his abs, which are his bread and butter.
• A refrigerator for holding anything but bread and butter.
• A hot tub, wherein Taylor can sip smoothies and canoodle film extras of questioning orientation.

I certainly hope the RV dealership comes through with the ride, or settles the lawsuit. Pretty, vacant boys like Taylor Lautner will not be treated like normal folk.

Wait till you hear this! This is ridiculous!
Bristol Palin, teenage mother and hypocrite advocate for abstinence, is set to be a guest speaker at a benefit in Louisville, Kentucky to raise money for a shelter home for single mothers.
Something dear to little Bristol's tiny tiny heart, so I would imagine that she would do the speech for free, or, at the very least, just for expenses.
Uh, no. The money-grubbing-fame-whoring-sell-out doesn't fall far from the tree, and Bristol will be getting $14,000 to speak.
And why? Is it because Bristol knows whereof she speaks? Is it because she's been in need of a home for single mothers?
Oh gosh no. It's because she'll sell herself to the highest bidder to make whatever profit she can off her baby, er, mistakes. I guess it was a good thing, after all, that Levi knocked her up, dumped her, got back together, got engaged, and got dumped, because now she really does appear to be a pathetic loser with the morals of a sloth.
But that's just me.

Kara Dioguardi is funny.
The recently fired judge on American Idol is spinning her removal from the show into a more favorable light.
According to a source--and by source I mean the gal who ALLEGEDLY pees in a cup for Kara's court-ordered drug tests--Kara has been trying to leave American Idol for quite a while now:
"She went to Fox two months ago and told them she didn't want to do another season. She's ready to move on. She did two years and thinks that's enough."
Uh huh. Funny how this, um, story, comes out after she got the boot.
The source, after urinating into plastic containers, adds that Kara is contractually obligated by FOX from taking meetings with other companies or networks:.
"It's frustrating because she can't even take any meetings…everyone wants to know what her schedule will be like, but she doesn't know. What happens if Fox tells her they still want her for next season?"
Sounds like someone, who spent the last year travelling around the land talking up Idol, is trying to save face.
Deal with it, Kara.
You're fired!

Fantasia ALLEGEDLY stole Paula Cook’s husband, and now Cook may steal the spotlight.
Cook, the wife of one Antwaun Cook, who has been seeing Fantasia extramaritally and adulterally, is being courted for interviews on talk shows by Mo’Nique and….Oprah-I-Need-The-Ratings-Before-My-Show-Takes-Its-Last-Breath Winfrey.
A source--and by source, I mean the homeless guy outside the Bi-Lo in Raleigh--says:
“Paula has been approached by Oprah’s people to go on her chat show. She still hasn’t decided what she will do though, and she was also approached by Mo’Nique too.”
And then the source goes off on Fantasia, who tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide, and then went on the talk shows to promote her new album:
“Despite anything that Fantasia may say about Antwaun being separated from his wife when she started dating him, Paula firmly believes that she knowingly got involved with a married man.”
Oh yes she went there.
And, if she goes on Oprah, I wonder how Fantasia will take it, since she starred in OPRAH WINFREY'S The Color Purple on Broadway?

Despite being diagnosed with throat cancer, Michael Douglas has refused to delay his court battle with ex-wife Diandra Douglas over her claim that she's entitled to half his earnings from the upcoming Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.
Diandra, like the good ex-wife who wants to bleed the ban dry, offered to postpone the hearing, but Douglas declined.

"He wants to get this over with as soon as possible," a source--and by source, I mean Catherine Zeta Jones, publicity whore--told Page Six. Diandra's lawsuit hinges on a clause in the Douglas's divorce settlement that entitles her to 50 percent of any earnings Michael receives from any movies he did during their 23-year marriage. And, Diandra's lawyers believe that provision includes any "spinoffs" of Douglas' movies, which would include Oliver Stone's Wall Street follow-up.
Michael's lawyer, Marilyn Chintz--what a name for a lawyer--says Diandra is misinterpreting the agreement, and it doesn't apply to the Wall Street sequel because it wasn't on the horizon when the two split, and he couldn't have guaranteed that he'd be in a sequel if one were ever made. Chintz-y told the judge" "When does it stop? ... She's not Mrs. Michael Douglas anymore. It's enough. It's time for Ms. Douglas to move on and let Mr. Douglas move on and enjoy his life, without having to concern himself with someone trying to claw back moneys that they're not entitled to."
And Diandra, to be fair, has gotten her perfectly manicured claws into the money to which she is entitled: she received a divorce settlement ALLEGEDLY in excess of $45 million, and has been paid an additional $6.3 million from her stake in residual proceeds from other past projects.
Six.point.three.million.
Diandra's lawyer, Nancy Chemtob, says her client isn't money-hungry...I know!....and isn't clinging to her ex-husband. "She has her own identity, and she's proud of it. My client is not greedy. The exact opposite is true. Mr. Douglas is seeking to shirk his financial responsibility that was entered into when he signed this contract."
This might get as ugly as the divorce, when Diandra accused Michael of sex and alcohol addiction and multiple infidelities.
And someone will get rich. Er.

Michaele and Tariq Salahi, the White House party crashers and unbelievable fame whores, recently gave a party to raise money for the troops. They held they benefit at a gay club in DC, charged $25 cover charges, and $500 VIP access, and then say the packed event made no money, so the Iraq war veteran charity will receive no money.
According to the New York Post-- and by New York Post, I mean, New York Post--the Salahis told Michaele’s fellow cast members at The Real Housewives of D.C. that event proceeds would go to the military charity Honor and Remember, but a charity organizer said the organization would receive nothing.
The Post reported: “Tickets for the bash held at a DC gay bar ranged from $25 for general admission to $500 for access to the VIP room. The organization said it was promised 40 percent of the profit but was told recently the packed, cash-bar event didn't make any money. A rep for the Salahis claims they were merely guests of honor: ‘This was not a Salahi event. They were not privy to the operational and management aspects of this event, nor were they compensated for their appearance.’”
Fame whores and thieves. Robbing a charity to fill their own pockets.
Lovely.
Fucktards.