The Funny Papers

Dennis Goris, Ann Telnaes, Dave Whamond, Adam Zyglis, Randy Bish, Nick Anderson, Max Espinoza,  Jeff Danziger, Pedro X Molina, Michael de Adder, Matt Wuerker, Gary Huck, Benjamin Slyngstad,

Tuesday Thought #3

I Didn't Say It ....

Stephen Colbert, on Sarah Huckleberry Sanders getting the boot from the Red Hen:

 “What do you mean you treat everybody with respect? You work for Donald _____. You don’t even treat yourself with respect. Denying service to people you disagree with is a slippery slope. Because pretty soon, we would just have liberal-only restaurants and conservative restaurants, and it’ll be a nightmare finding a place where your whole family can eat. Restaurant workers, you don’t have to kick out Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Just treat her the same way she treats her customers. Only take the order of the two people at the table you like. Then tell Sanders, ‘I’m not going to comment on whether or not this dish contains peanuts.’ And then when the food never arrives, just say ‘I haven’t talked to the chef about that yet. So I can’t give you any new information. I’ll be back at 2:45 tomorrow with a completely different menu that you can’t order from.”

I like this line of thought.

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Jeanine Pirro, _____ puppet, on her Fox “News” show, about Huckleberry being denied service and Kirstjen Nielsen being booed from a restaurant:

“Political debate at the very heart of the founding of this country has devolved into political harassment and outright political abuse. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the White House press secretary, one of the most of prestigious jobs in Washington, D.C., out to dinner, places her order and is then told to leave by the owner because she works for the president of the United States. Sarah quietly leaves. The Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen this week was literally screamed and heckled out of a restaurant while eating her dinner. _____ supporters are being harassed all across this country by a hysterical left unwilling to accept the decision and the will of the American people who put Donald _____ in office. These unhinged leftists are normalizing outrageous behavior which is only getting worse.”

Actually, Jeanine, you ass, more people voted for anyone but _____ than voted for him, so the will of the people is non-_____.

And people are just exercising their rights to Free Speech by booing Nielsen, and their rights to discriminate and deny service, which is a thing this White House likes.

You snowflakes just don’t like it when it’s aimed at you.

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Orrin Hatch, Republican Senator from Utah, calling for inclusion for LGBTQ youth:

“Mr. President, if there were ever a time to show our LGBT friends just how much we love them, it is now. In a world where millions suffer in silence, we owe it to each other to love loudly. That’s why I am a strong supporter of Utah’s Love Loud Festival, among many other efforts to combat suicide and improve mental health in the LGBT community. These young men and women deserve to feel loved, cared for, and accepted for who they are.  They deserve to know that they belong, and that our society is stronger because of them. Mr. President, ensuring that our LGBT friends feel loved and accepted is not a political issue; we all have a stake in this. We all have family or loved ones who have felt marginalized in one way or another because of gender identity or sexual orientation—and we need to be there for them.”

Oh, that’s so nice, but this is the same Orrin Hatch who voted to confirm Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos, who both have clear records of opposing LGBTQ equality and who have since used their positions to dismantle protections for transgender people.

Hatch is also a co-sponsor of the so-called “First Amendment Defense Act” [FADA], which would create a religious license to discriminate against LGBTQ people. And just last week, he “applauded” the Supreme Court’s ruling in the Masterpiece Cakeshop case.

Words are nice, but his deeds speak volumes.

Siddown.

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Tim Cook, Apple CEO, on inequality and why he came out as gay:

“Many of the problems of the world come down to the lack of equality. It’s the fact that it’s the kid who is born in one ZIP code doesn’t have a good education because he happens to be born in that ZIP code. It’s someone who is maybe in the LGBT community who is fired because of that. It’s someone who has a different religion than the majority and are therefore ostracized in some way. If one day you could wave a wand and everybody would treat each other with dignity and respect, there are many, many problems that would go away with that….I [came out] for a greater purpose. I realized there were a lot of kids out there that were not being treated very well—including in their own families. Kids need someone to say ‘oh, they did okay in life, and they’re gay, so it must not be a life sentence in some kind of way.’ We’re getting these notes… it would tug on my heart even more, and it got to the point, and it got to the point where I thought, I’m making the wrong call, by trying to do something that is comfortable for me, which is to stay private. I needed to do something for the greater good.”

Every coming out is for the greater good because every coming out helps someone else along the path.

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Jimmy Fallon, about _____’s reaction to Fallon’s saying he never should have humanized Hair Furor by tousling his hair:

“As you may have heard, the President of the United States went after me on Twitter. So Melania, if you’re watching, I don’t think your anti-bullying campaign is working. He said I called and said, ‘Monster ratings.’ First of all, I’ve never called this human in my life. I don’t have his number, I don’t want his number. I’ve never said ‘monster ratings.’ I don’t know what he’s talking about. By the way, Donald, I don’t know if you’ve seen my ratings the past two years, you didn’t help my ratings. But, really, thanks a lot. Thanks for nothing.”

Thanks for nothing is right.

Still, Fallon has taken a long time to finally speak out against this regime.

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Jerry Seinfeld, on Roseanne getting fired for her racist mouth:

“I didn’t see why it was necessary to fire her. Why would you murder someone who’s committing suicide? But I never saw someone ruin their entire career with one button push. That was fresh. I think they should get another Roseanne. They brought Dan Conner back, he was dead and they brought him back. So, why can’t we get another Roseanne? There’s other funny women that could do that part. You need to get the comic in there. I hate to see a comic lose a job.”

A comedian didn’t lose her job; a racist did.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Ronan Farrow, on Harvey Weinstein’s move to smear his alleged victimns before the story, er, stories, broke:

“He began to hire private security agencies to collect information on the women and the journalists trying to expose the allegations. According to dozens of pages of documents, and seven people directly involved in the effort, the firms that Weinstein hired included Kroll, which is one of the world’s largest corporate-intelligence companies, and Black Cube, an enterprise run largely by former officers of Mossad and other Israeli intelligence agencies.”

All that to cover-up the fact that he is a sexual predator.

And one wonders why victims, especially victims of powerful men, don’t come forward? Maybe it’s because the arsenal people like Weinstein collect to victim blame.

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Ken Paxton, Texas Attorney General, urging Texans to bring more guns into churches:

“All I can say is, you know, in Texas at least we have the opportunity to have concealed-carry, And so if it’s a place where somebody has the ability to carry, there’s always the opportunity that gunman will be taken out before he has the opportunity to kill very many people.”

Yes, more people with guns firing them in a tiny, crowded church is the solution.

Oh, Texas, this is what you want? This is what you believe?

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Michael Che, SNL’s Weekend Update co-anchor, coming for _____:

“I’m tired of watching the president of the United States have an emotional breakdown on Twitter like he’s Tyrese. If you want to live-Tweet ‘Morning Joe’ or ‘Cupcake Wars’ or whatever you watch, fine, but indictments are important and you work for us. So go put on your baggy suit, fold your hair nice, and answer all of our questions face-to-face like the public servant that you are.”

Demand answers.

That Fat Bastard works for us.

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Brian Stelter, CNN, calling out Kellyanne Conway for her misinformation—and that means lies, y’all—about the Steele Dossier being completely unverified:

“Parts of it have been verified. That is misinformation that you’re spreading on my program Kellyanne, and I don’t appreciate it. Much of the dossier, you just said the entire dossier is unverified. That is inaccurate…Pieces of the dossier have been verified, and when you say it’s unverified, you actually mislead the American people.”

Lie. She lies. They all lie. And then they try to spin the lie. But it’s still lies.

I wanna see more people calling this b*tch out, and the entire _____ team, when they lie.

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Tim Cook,  Apple CEO talks about the dangers of social media:

“I don’t believe the big issue are ads from foreign governments. I believe that’s like .1 percent of the issue. The bigger issue is that some of these tools are used to divide people, to manipulate people, to get fake news to people in broad numbers so as to influence their thinking. This to me is the No. 1 through 10 issue.”

So says the man who has helped create devices that allow this sort of thing to happen. Sure, people need to be more diligent and realize that a meme isn’t news, and to investigate what they read on social media, but I still find it odd that Tim Cook is warning of the dangers of social media when that’s what pads his bank accounts.

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Jenny Hagel, Late Night writer, on Kevin Spacey’s offensive decision to come out as gay in response to allegations of sexual assault:

“I’m gay, and as a gay woman, I have a lot of problems with Kevin Spacey’s statement. It is inappropriate to respond to an accusation of pedophilia by saying ‘I’m gay’. Those things are totally unrelated. The only appropriate response to ‘you tried to have sex with a 14-year old’ is ‘I am also a 14-year old.’ [And to blame it on being drunk] makes it sound like every gay person is two beers away from molesting a kid. I’m not. I’m two beers away from singing ‘Come to My Window’ at karaoke. And three beers away from singing it from my window. [And] now you choose to live as a gay man, after you threw us all under the bus? That’s like  saying ‘I told everyone you’re an asshole. Now I choose to come to your dinner party.’ Too late you’re not invited anymore. The gay community has been made up of brave, brilliant people like Alan Turing and Audre Lorde and Billie Jean King. You’re not in the gay community, you’re in the creep community. Go celebrate creep pride, and throw a little creep parade, and leave us out of it.”

Bravo.

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Joanna Krupa, a former “real housewife” on the canceled Real Housewives of Miami, coming to the defense of Jeremy Piven over allegations that he sexually assaulted several women:

“I love Jeremy Piven, like I’ve known Jeremy Piven for a very long time. He’s like the nicest f—king guy I’ve ever met. Jeremy never did anything wrong to me. He’s always been an amazing friend to me, so I support him. I knew about Harvey Weinstein over 10 years ago. Do I have any issues with him? No. I hope this whole situation gets better and people in Hollywood actually get hired for their talent. So I think people are taking advantage of the whole situation with Weinstein, and they’re trying to make a living or they’re trying to get famous.”

Indeed, cuz nothing says ‘Hire me’ like Harvey Weinstein tried to rape me. Nothing says I wanna be famous like ‘Jeremy Piven groped me.’

Way to victim blame you dim bulb.

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Ezra Miller, openly gay actor, on the reaction to his “coming out”:

“I was told, when I gave that interview ... This is an interesting thing to talk about. I was told by a lot of people I’d made a mistake. Folks in the industry, folks outside the industry. People I’ve never spoken to. They said there’s a reason so many gay, queer, gender-fluid people in Hollywood conceal their sexual identity, or their gender identity in their public image. I was told I had done a ‘silly’ thing in ... thwarting my own potential to be a leading man. ‘You’ve made a mistake’ is such a hard thing to hear. Maybe if I’d actually made a serious mistake? But not for this. I didn’t think I’d done anything wrong, though there have been moments of doubt as a result of those conversations. But…what they said was, in fact, ‘rubbish’, as you might say. We are the ones. It’s up to us to manifest the world we want to exist in. But we’re ready. Humans are ready.”

And the ones who aren’t ready need to step out of the way and keep their mouths closed.

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I Didn't Say It ...

George Takei, actor, activist, on Indiana Governor Mike pence signing an anti-gay "religious freedom" bill into law:

"I am outraged that Gov. Pence would sign such a divisive measure into law. He has made it clear that LGBT couples, like Brad and me, are now unwelcome in his state. The notion that this bill was not driven by animus against our community is belied by the record and frankly insulting. I will join many in demanding that socially responsible companies withdraw their business, conferences and support from his state and that LGBTs and our friends and supporters refuse to visit or do business with Indiana. It is a sad day for the Hoosier state, and indeed for the many good people of Indiana, for whom this law now stands as a terrible blight upon that state's reputation."

Let me make this queer: if a governor wishes to sign a law stating that business can deny me service simply because I’m gay, then I, and I hope most of the LGBT community and our allies, will decide not to visit those states.
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Tim Cook, Apple CEO, on those Religious Freedom Restoration Acts:

"Men and women have fought and died fighting to protect our country’s founding principles of freedom and equality. We owe it to them, to each other and to our future to continue to fight with our words and our actions to make sure we protect those ideals. The days of segregation and discrimination marked by 'Whites Only' signs on shop doors, water fountains and restrooms must remain deep in our past. We must never return to any semblance of that time. America must be a land of opportunity for everyone. This isn’t a political issue. It isn’t a religious issue. This is about how we treat each other as human beings. Opposing discrimination takes courage. With the lives and dignity of so many people at stake, it’s time for all of us to be courageous."

I’d like to see Tim Cook stage an Apple boycott of Indiana. His words have power, his deed could be mighty.
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Rand Paul, speaking to a group of religious leaders at a private prayer breakfast about marriage equality:

"Don’t always look to Washington to solve anything. In fact, the moral crisis we have in our country, there is a role for us trying to figure out things like marriage, there’s also a moral crisis that allows people to think that there would be some sort of other marriage." 

Here’s the moral crisis, Rand: it’s that most people in this country are finally becoming aware that marriage equality is right and fair and doesn’t affect them at all. And you bigots and rightwingnuts and Teabaggers and Republicans are now realizing that your special brand of divisive politics needs a new scapegoat.

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Josh Earnest, White House press secretary, talking to reporters about Indiana's Religious Freedom Restoration Act:

“I have seen that there are a number of private businesses and nonprofit organizations that have said that the signing of this law prompts them to reconsider doing business in the state of Indiana. All those business and some of those who are considering having conventions in Indiana have raised concerns about whether all of their employees can count on being treated fairly in Indiana. I think that is a testament to the kind of reaction I think a lot of people all across the country had, which is that the signing of the bill doesn’t seem like it’s a step in the direction of equality and justice and liberty for all Americans. Again, that’s not just the view of the administration, I know that’s the view of the Republican mayor of Indianapolis and a whole host of nonprofit and private sector companies who have legitimate concerns about the impact of this legislation.”

From the top: discrimination, for any reason, is wrong.

And, in  the interests of being transparent: I have a wee crush on Josh.

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Martha Stewart, ex-con and lifestyle expert, taking on Ludacris, while pimping out her linens, at the Justin Bieber roast:

“I know you’re all wondering why I’m here tonight, It’s because Martha Stewart Changes peoples’ lives for the better. I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house but I don’t have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids with three different women. May I suggest pulling out some time and finishing on some fine, highly-absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?”

Martha plays blue! And I love it!

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I Didn't Say It ...

Tim Cook, Apple CEO, formally coming out as gay:

"While I have never denied my sexuality, I haven’t publicly acknowledged it either, until now. So let me be clear: I’m proud to be gay, and I consider being gay among the greatest gifts God has given me. Being gay has given me a deeper understanding of what it means to be in the minority and provided a window into the challenges that people in other minority groups deal with every day. It’s made me more empathetic, which has led to a richer life. It’s been tough and uncomfortable at times, but it has given me the confidence to be myself, to follow my own path, and to rise above adversity and bigotry. It’s also given me the skin of a rhinoceros, which comes in handy when you’re the CEO of Apple ... When I arrive in my office each morning, I’m greeted by framed photos of Dr. King and Robert F. Kennedy. I don’t pretend that writing this puts me in their league. All it does is allow me to look at those pictures and know that I’m doing my part, however small, to help others. We pave the sunlit path toward justice together, brick by brick. This is my brick."

Each of us has a brick to lay on that path for those who come behind.

Jody Hice, “pastor” and newly elected Georgia Congressional wingnut, on the Penn State child abuse sex scandal:

“The whole issue is a morally bankrupt nation is where we are. And you can go back decades as we first kicked the Bible out of schools and then prayer out of schools. And we've just basically been going downhill since then and you get what you get -- you know, you kick God out."

So instead of blaming what happened on now-convicted serial child abuser Jerry Sandusky, or our nation's obsession with football, Hice said it’s all because of God and the Bible?

Oy.

Gareth Thomas, Welsh rugby legend, on how and why he came out as gay:

"I didn't come out because I wanted to be the first person to do it. I came out because I came to the crossroads of living or dying, and that's why I decided to come out. Because I wanted to live. I get stopped, even today, constantly on the street by people I have never met in my entire life, and they'll say to me, 'I Just want to thank you for helping my brother, mother, father, sister, auntie, uncle, because you gave them the strength to be who they want to be...I have won every trophy that I can ever dream of winning but when you affect somebody’s life, in a way that this person is going to have a life that they never thought they could have because of me, stupid old me, because of that they could do that, it’s amazing."

It’s Thomas’ brick on that same path.

David Letterman, on the midterm elections and the Obama bashing on both sides of the aisle:

“This is what happens when we have the midterm elections. The Republicans, of course, have turned against Obama, and the Democrats have also turned against Obama. That’s a lonely, lonely gig being president, ladies and gentlemen. … Take a look at this: gas under $3 a gallon – under $3 a gallon. Unemployment under 6%, whoever thought? Stock market breaking records every day. No wonder the guy is so unpopular.”

Thanks Dave.

Sophia Loren, on giving Jayne Mansfield's dress the side-eye:

"In my face you can see the fear. I’m so frightened that everything in her dress is going to blow — BOOM! — and spill all over the table. There may be other photos, but this is the picture. This is the one that shows how it was. This is the only picture."

A truly iconic picture, and proof that Mansfield was ahead of her time.

That dress would be daring today.

The Funny Papers