The Funny Papers

NEMO, Bill Bramhall, Nick Anderson, Adam Zyglis, Drew Sheneman, Jack Ohman, Bill Day, Mike Luckovich, Ed Hall, David Horsey, Marc Murphy, John Cole, Clay Bennett, Dave Whamond, Terry Mosher, 

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Sure, every gay knows that Patti LuPone played Mama Rose in Gypsy and sang Everything’s Coming Up Roses but that wasn’t an invitation to throw roses at her. So, please to explain why then, during a recent curtain call for Company, in which La LuPone stars, someone in the audience actually threw roses at the head of La LuPone. Luckily, Patti laughed it off but told the audience if they choose to throw roses, aim at the feet and remove all thorns.

Oh, and there's no truth to the rumor that the person in the audience who hurled the flowers at the Broadway Legend was Madonna, of whom LuPone once famously said:

“Madonna is a movie killer. She's dead behind the eyes. She cannot act her way out of a paper bag.”

I’d be surprised if it was Madonna, because if it was she'd throw a bouquet of hammers

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A few days ago super businesswoman Kim Kardastrophe told women to get off their asses and work! Dammit. And it appears that one Jennifer Shah from Real Housewives of Salt Lake City took the orders to heart.

See, while Shah is awaiting trial for ALLEGEDLY swindling old folks out of their money with her team of grifters, all of whom have pleaded guilty and will testify against her, she has decided to sell some things to pay her legal bills.

No, she’s not selling her old clothes and shoes and wigs, but she is selling a “Not Guilty” line of merchandise. Get yourself a “Not Guilty” t-shirt for thirty bucks a pop and help Shah pay her defense lawyers so they won’t take her old clothes and shoes and wigs.

PS I’m not sure, but I think in that photo, Shah is rocking her version of prison stripes.

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I first saw Taron Egerton in Kingsman: The Secret Service, and he was one hot little Welsh nugget. Egerton went on to play gay, as Elton John, in Rocketman, and he’s playing gay again in the London Production of Mike Bartlett’s Cock. But that's not the story ... the story is that during the play’s first performance Egerton fainted onstage.

I know the feeling; when I hear the words Taron Egerton and Cock, I faint.
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Ricky Schroder, former actor and current MAGAt asshat, is throwing fits again in public over mask mandates. If you recall last Spring, Ricky terrorized employees at Costco over his refusal to wear a mask in the store and he’s back at it by trying to take on a security guard at the Dwight D. Eisenhower Presidential Library & Museum.

Ricky was traveling with the so-called Freedom Convoy when he tried to get into the museum in Abilene, Kansas, and was told by a security guard that he needed to mask up. Little Ricky lost it, and when told it was a federal law began shrieking:

“I’m Ricky Schroeder. God’s laws are higher than the federal governments, but you’re going to enforce man’s laws?” 

He then muttered that line about slavery:

“Unless you’re ready to, I guess, kill us all, you better change your minds because we’re not gonna live as slaves.” 

He then called the security guard a “Nazi” and stomped off.

The best part of the video is a has-been actor shrieking “I’m Ricky Schroeder,” and the guard looking bewildered because he has no idea who that might be.

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It looks like Liz won her battle with COVID-19 … Queen Elizabeth, I mean … and has decided to take a new lease on life, make a significant change and downsize.

Yes, Liz, whose husband passed away in April 2021, has decided that the nearly 900,000 square foot Buckingham Palace is too big for her now, and will downsize to the much more manageable 600,000  square foot Windsor Castle.

It’s nice to see her simplify.

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Bobservations

The other morning MaxGoldberg came for breakfast, ate too fast, and then proceeded to hairball in the dining room. There was drama and name-calling and shouts for paper towels as I cleaned up the mess. Moments later Carlos and I were sitting down to breakfast, and into the kitchen comes Max looking for food.

“Oh no you don’t. You don’t get to eat, puke it up and then come back for more. Who do you think you are? Karen Carpenter?”

Carlos says:

“Whatever happened to her?”

“She died. She had an eating disorder …”

“Her brother was hot.”

I have never met someone who can take a conversation about vomiting cats and bulimic pop stars and instantly turn it into … her brother was hot.

Oh, this could be good because, if true, it could spell the end of Clarence from the court. Both Tuxedo and I are giddy with anticipation.

This week in Ottawa, local residents came to the rescue of a driver whose car had crashed through the ice of the Rideau River, using kayaks to rescue her from the sinking vehicle.

While trying to get to the woman, who was standing on top of the car as if slipped below the surface, the woman stopped  to take a selfie.

There’s a special place in Stupid Hell™ for these kinds of folks.

On Fox this week, Lara, the wife of Eric, The Dumb One, was ranting about Microsoft Word’s Clippy and the fact that Clippy suggested changes to words like “postman” into “letter carrier” and “mankind” into “humankind.” Mrs. The Dumb One ranted that:

“Someone is reading this?! And assessing what I’m writing?”

She seemed to think that Clippy was a real person watching and reading what she was typing in Word instead of an AI programed into what they call “office assistant.” And no one told Mrs. The Dumb One that Clippy, AKA Office Assistant, can be turned off with a couple of clicks.

Dumb runs in the family.

Continuing the stupid … several pro-Thing 45 rioters who broke into the Capitol building last January, and have yet to be arrested, say they  dropped some of their personal belongings while ransacking House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's office and they would like those items returned.

Pelosi’s staffers handed the requests over to law enforcement officials who were given names, home addresses, social security numbers, etc.

Seriously stupid.

With The Queen’s approval and agreement, Prince Andrew has been officially stripped of his military affiliations and royal patronages, just one day after a federal judge in New York denied Andrew’s motion that the civil sexual assault case against him be dropped.

Ouch. Even Mummy has had it with Randy Andy.

I keep hearing about a reboot of Gotham, so I’ll be ready with my audition outfit but I need a good name for my villain … what should it be?

A group of North Carolina voters told state officials that they want Madison Cawthorn disqualified as a congressional candidate, citing his involvement in last January’s insurrection by questioning the presidential election outcome.

Lawyers filed a candidacy challenge of Cawthorn on behalf of 11 voters who contend that Cawthorn can’t run because he fails to comply with an 1868 amendment to the Constitution which says no one can serve in Congress “who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress . . . to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same.”

Simply put, traitors cannot run for office.

Over the weekend, our next door neighbor saw me sitting on our back deck, and called out:

“Where's your husband?”

“In the garden.”

“I didn't see him.”

“You have to dig a little.”

That’s all.

This is model, fitness instructor, actor Eric Guilmette. I am not usually a fan of pec tattoos, but maybe I can overlook his. Could you? Would you hit it?

The Funny Papers

Clay Bennett, Mike Luckovich, Bill Bramhall, David Horsey, Drew Sheneman, Ed Hall, Jack Ohman, Deb Milbrath, Mike Smith, John Cole, Darrin Bell, Dave Whammond, Marc Murphy, Michael de Adder

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Well, even marriages continue to fall apart during a lockdown, and this week it’s ‘reality star’ Kristin Cavallari and her soon-to-be-ex-husband Jay Cutler’s divorce announcement.

Kristin broke the news on Instagram—because, where else—with a picture of herself and Jay and explained that they have come to the “loving conclusion” to get a divorce.

“With great sadness, after 10 years together we have come to a loving conclusion to get a divorce. We have nothing but love and respect for one another and are deeply grateful for the years shared, memories made, and the children we are so proud of. This is just the situation of two people growing apart. We ask everyone to respect our privacy as we navigate this difficult time within our family.”

How Paltrow of you; but is it … the fact that Kristin made a point of saying they were getting a divorce, and weren’t just separating, is one thing, but she ratcheted things up by heading back to social media and removing the word ‘wife’ from all her sites.

Not so lovingly, I imagine, especially since, in the most recent season of Kristin’s E! reality series, Very Cavallari, Jay got pulled into a storyline that involved ALLEGATIONS of him cheating with Kristin’s former best friend, Kelly Henderson. Jay denied it happened; Kristin swore she didn’t believe it.

But then the rumor mills got hold of Kristin’s response to Jay’s divorce filing in which she ALLEGES “misconduct” on the part of Jay and says Jay “is guilty of such inappropriate marital conduct as renders further cohabitation unsafe and improper.”

Not so loving.

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I live for catfights, and a catfight between fashion guru André Leon Talley and Anna Wintour warms my cold, cold heart. Talley has apparently written a memoir and in it he puts Anna on blast as “not capable of human kindness”. Okay, so that’s not new, or even news, but when the passages were leaked, Talley, with a wry wink on an eye, took to social media—again, because, where else—to say:

“Did I miss anything this weekend?”

Apparently, in his book The Chiffon Trenches, Talley says his decades long friend, Wintour, is “ruthless” and says she has stopped speaking to him after she said he was “too old, too overweight, too uncool.” He says there is an 'endless' list of writers, stylists and models whom she has cast onto a 'frayed and tattered heap during her powerful rule'.

In an extended rant, Talley writes:

“Today, I would love for her to say something human and sincere to me. I have huge emotional and psychological scars from my relationship with this towering and influential woman.”

And then ends with a dig:

“'I wonder, when she goes home alone at night, is she miserable? Does she feel alone?”

Talley worked for Vogue on and off from the 1980s until 2018, when he was replaced as the magazine’s red-carpet reporter for the Met Gala.

Hmmm, maybe that spurred him to write his little book?

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You think Little Tommy Cruise became a diva once he became a big star, but you’d be wrong. And Rob Lowe is here to spill the tea.

Rob was feeling a wee bit shady when he appeared on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepherd and praised Tom Cruise’s “wherewithal” for always knowing he’d be a star by telling a story about Tommy going “ballistic” at the thought of sharing a hotel room with Lowe during the audition process for The Outsiders:

“All of the L.A. people survived the L.A. auditions, and then the hand-picked people had to go to New York to face the New York version/ So it was me and Tom Cruise and Emilio [Estevez] and C. Thomas Howell. [It was the] first time I ever stayed at The Plaza Hotel, and we check-in and Tom finds out that we’re sharing a room and just goes ballistic.”

Perhaps Little Tommy was worried about trying to control himself while locked in a  luxury hotel room with Pretty Boy Lowe?

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We’ve talked about celebrities self-isolating and then either whining about how hard it is to stay in the manse, or how blessed they are to be able to afford a mansion, or whine about how their kids are getting in their way because the mansion is just not big enough.

Well, Elizabeth and Philip Windsor have also taken themselves home for the foreseeable future and have self-isolated at Windsor Castle, just the two of them … and 22 members of their closest staff. We all know that the staff serves at Her Majesty’s Pleasure, so finding out that it takes 22 people to pleasure her, at age 94, is astonishing.

A memo to the staff written by Master of the Household—a title which I have just given myself, and Carlos has no say—Tony Johnstone-Burt reveals that since Britain went into quarantine, Windsor Castle has been dubbed “HMS Bubble”, and that the 22 members of the royal household staff are isolated there, away from their families, for the duration. Johnstone-Burt, a 40-year navy veteran, likened the situation to “a long deployment at sea where sailors are separated from their ­families for several months.”

But hey, if Liz needs a martini or Philip needs a backrub, you gotta have a staff, no? And staff can’t be goin’ home and then coming back to the castle the next day carrying some filthy virus.

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Just this past week we learned that Christopher Reeve’s son, Will, was reporting for GMA in a suit and tie and what looked to be his underwear. That caused a bit of a ruckus, a mild-mannered reporter kind of ruckus—see what I did there? Christopher Reeve? His son? Clark Kent? Mild-mannered? I’ll stop—but not near as much a ruckus as what happened when Spanish news anchor Alfonso Merlos reported from home.

While doing a live video chat from his house for the Spanish YouTube Channel Estado de Alarma, a half-naked woman showed up in the background, and people realized that the woman was not Marta Lopez, his long-time girlfriend. But Alonso ... Hey Player! ... didn't even notice the nekkid woman and kept going on with his report, long enough for eagle-eyed viewers to figure out the nude woman was his new side-piece Alexia Rivas … one of his colleagues.

After ignoring the escándalo at first, Alfonso did go back to TV to apologize, in a sort of, So I have a side-piece kind of way:

“If you think that my attitude has not been correct or that there are things that I have not done well, I have no problem asking for forgiveness, although my goal was not to harm someone else.”

And then he explained that he wasn’t a cheater because he and Marta had broken up, though Marta played the Ross-n-Rachel card and said they just had a spat and were on a break, until nekkid Alexia wandered onscreen.

And here we thought lockdown would be boring!

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And now some good news … Anderson Cooper is a Daddy, just not the kind of daddy I wanted. He’s a  literal father, and made the announcement last night on his CNN show, Anderson Cooper 360° this week:

"On Monday I became a father. I've never said that out loud and it astonishes me. I have a son. Wyatt Morgan Cooper was born on Monday weighing 7 pounds 2 ounces.”

Anderson said his son is named Wyatt, after his late father Wyatt Cooper, and that Morgan was on a list of potential baby names his late mom, Gloria Vanderbilt, and dad made when they were trying to pick a name for Anderson 52 years ago.

“I do wish my mom and my dad and my brother Carter were alive to meet Wyatt, but I like to believe they can see him. I imagine them all together, arms around each other, smiling and laughing, happy to know that their love is alive in me and in Wyatt, and that our family continues.”

Damn, Andy, why you gotta make me cry?

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