Snarky Thoughts

As if California doesn’t have a full court docket already, between the one-percenters and their thirst for watering their massive lawns in a drought, and Erika Girardi being sued again and again by almost everyone, Dancing With The Stars dancer, Cheryl Burke thought it would be the perfect time to take her ex-husband, Matthew Lawrence, to court and sue over custody of their French Bulldog, Ysabella.

My Thought: One-percenters are dumb.

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Rumor has it That Woman spent nearly $1,000 on edibles and got so high with daughter Khloé Kardastrophe and boyfriend caregiver Corey Gamble that she began playing peek-a-boo behind her napkin.

My Thought: The headline said That Woman Gets Stoned and it was the wrong kind of stoning for me.

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The ongoing saga of Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen‘s crumbling marriage can now be solved: it’s over. After pleading with her ego-centric husband for years to quit football and stay home with the family, Brady agreed and retired, and then promptly unretired, and now Gisele has hired a divorce lawyer and Tom is pissy.

My Thought: Check your giant ego at the door and realize you have a wife and children who might like to see you.

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Since she took Katy Perry off her Hate List, Taylor Swift has a lot of free time on her hands so what’s a tacky, second-rate “singer” songwriter to do? Go back and reignite an old feud from 2013 with Kanye West, with a side of Kim Kardastrophe, and issue a diss record top clap back ten years.

My Thought: Taylor? Honey? You’re a grown ass woman, not a sophomore in high school, so please act like it and move on. IT’S BEEN ALMOST TEN YEARS!!!!

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The theme for the 2023 Met Gala has been announced—c’mon, you know you care—and it’s a doozy: Karl Lagerfeld: A Line of Beauty.

My Thought: I imagine Anna Wintour, since she has the power, will have Lagerfeld’s body exhumed and place him front and center and no one will notice since, even alive, he looked like a corpse.

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Sharon Osbourne, the former “The Talk” co-host who was, agrees with Kanye West about Black Lives Matter being a “scam” and said she gave “$900,000 to [BLM] and like my money back please.”

My Thought: For someone who was fired from “The Talk” for looking and sounding like a racist, Sharon hasn’t learned her lesson.

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It's Snarkurday!

Halle Berry was a presenter at the GLAAD Media Awards last week and thought that the best time to declare that her role as Catwoman in 2004’s Catwoman deserves another “goddamn chance.”

And she thinks it does because … Black Panther:

“Each story builds on the next. It’s like that old saying goes: behind every Black Panther is a great black Catwoman! You know, I’ve gotten a really bad rap for this role, and I think Catwoman deserves another goddamn chance, don’t you?”

To recap, Oscar-winner … Oscar winner …Halle starred in a version of Catwoman that had almost nothing to do with DC Comics character and everything to do with glamour. It was a fashion show with Halle as the hero and Sharon Stone keeping her legs closed as the villain … and it bombed.

Oscar winner Halle Berry the Razzie for her role and showed up to accept it with her Oscar. In her acceptance speech, she referred to the film as:

“A godawful piece of shit.”

And now she wants you to demand a remake. Gurl bye.

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As if anyone asked him … Karl Lagerfeld decided to flap his wrinkled puss about the #MeToo movement and proved why he is called Kunty Karl:

“I’m fed up with it. I don’t even eat pig [in France the movement is known as #BalanceTonPorc] What shocks me most in all of this are the starlets who have taken 20 years to remember what happened. Not to mention the fact there are no prosecution witnesses.”

But Kunty Karl didn’t stop there about #MeToo and said that some of the models who complained about abuse should join a nunnery. 

I think Karl should join a monastery and take a vow of silence… and a vow to never be photographed again.

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It might just be a coinky-dink, but right after marrying her boyfriend of one month, Chris Fischer, Amy Schumer fired her longtime PR rep and manager, Carrie Byalick.

Is it because Byalick pressured Amy into doing Snatched, which added another nail to the coffin of Goldie Hawn’s career...

Or is it because Byalick once dated Chris Fischer and it was just too uncomfortable?

Or is it because Carrie still had feelings for him?

Or is it because Amy was insecure or jealous?

Or is it because Carrie warned Amy about Chris and she didn’t want to hear it?

Or is it because … oh, who cares.

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Flashback … in the spring of 2005, all of the Desperate Housewives did a Vanity Fair cover shoot and it turned into the cover shoot from hell.  The story goes that there was tension between them all, starting because Teri Hatcher was pissed about not getting first pick at the outfits and not being in the middle of the picture.

Seriously. Now, in 2018, Eva Longoria appears to still have beef about the cover shoot. She was on Jimmy Kimmel to talk about her upcoming role in the Overboard reboot, her pregnancy and her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but all Jimmy cared about was “the grudge.”

He asked if there was a chance of a Desperate Housewives reboot since every other show from the 1990s has been rebooted and Eva said that she doesn’t really want to go back to TV—her film career is booming, I guess with the reboot of a Goldie Hawn film—and maybe she doesn’t like all the girls:

Jimmy: You guys all hate each other now, right?

Eva: No! Felicity Huffman and Marcia are going to be at my star ceremony. Felicity’s giving a speech. We’re very good friends.

Jimmy: All of you?

Eva: No, but 99 percent of us are.

I guess Teri Hatcher is the One Percent.

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And it goes on ... last year, Michael Anello, one of Mariah Carey’s ex-bodyguards, threatened to sue Mimi for $750,000 for not paying invoices and sexually harassing him by bouncing around him in see-through lingerie. That lawsuit hasn’t been filed yet, but Mimi’s lawyers got a new legal threat from Stella Bulochnikov, her ex-manager.

Stella and Mimi broke up last year ALLEGEDLY because Stella she couldn’t Mimi’s special brand of crazy—possibly as a result of her bipolar disorder. But now it appears that Mimi is the one who quit Stella, and Stella is now suing for breach of contract and … wait for it … it’s totally Mimi … sexual harassment. Yup, just like Michael Anello, Stella says Mariah would often prance around her employees suggestiuvely while nearly nude.

But, to be nice, let Mimi’s lawyers know that a lawsuit is coming, giving them a chance to settle and save us all from stories of Mimi’s antics. But, not to be nice, Stella is also spilling the tea that Mimi never took her meds for her bipolar disorder and ALLEGEDLY had a substance abuse problem.

Mimi’s rep, of course, says Stella is lying:

“If this frivolous and baseless claim is filed, we will defend against it vigorously and successfully.”

Still, there are two ex-Mimi handlers who claim she’s a hooker with a multi-million-dollar record deal ... and if more, and more, and more, Mimi employees come out to sue because she showed them her ladybits, every court in the land will be tied up for decades.

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Who to believe … with her diminished role on Good Morning America, co-anchor Lara Spencer is desperate to make it appear that her absence from the show is by choice, but is it?

ABC has revamped the show, focusing on George Stephanopoulos, Michael Strahan and Robib Roberts by overhauling their other anchors’ schedules … like promoting Amy Robach to 20/20 and by cutting back Spencer’s airtime from five days a week to three.

Spencer’s team was you to believe that Spencer made the choice to “cut back” her GMA time so she could “to focus on her lifestyle brand” … buying garage sale stuff and rehabbing it. But GMA sources say Spencer is being sidelined because …

“Lara’s good at her job, but it’s not like the [ratings] are affected when she’s not on [the show].”

And rumor has it that the staff at GMA couldn’t be more pleased at Spencer’s disappearing act:

“Staff are relieved that Lara’s schedule is being cut back. She treats staff badly, she yells at people and she makes a lot of extra work for people.”

Extra work? Like helping her clean out her office?

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So, Khloe Kardastrophe gave birth to her cheating boyfriend’s baby, and ironically named the True. Seriously … as in, ...

“Yes, it’s true my boyfriend cheated on me with nearly every woman he met while I was pregnant with his baby.”

And, maybe there is something to the story that Khloe mother, That Woman, is working overtime to get Khloe away from Cheating Baby Daddy so the child can be called True Kardastrophe, and then be spun off into its own E! show and throw some more coins in the Devil’s handbag.

Just sayin’.

PS Looking at those photos of Khloe from 2007, left, and today, right, I wonder who True looks like and if we’ll ever really see a True Kardastrophe?

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Maybe there’s hope … though I am not one to feel joy at sad news, but still … John Cena and Nikki Bella have broken off their engagement, and they broke up completely.

Apparently, John felt that after his first marriage ended in divorce, he didn’t want to remarry and didn’t want children. But he and Nikki were together for almost six years and perhaps she wore him down. And he asked her, and she said, ‘Yes,’ and then he said, ‘Hold up’ just a few weeks before the wedding.

Um, John, you know, if you need someone to console, or help you get over Nikki, I am here for you. And, um, yeah, I don’t want marriage and I don’t want children, so, yeah, there’s that, too.

Just sayin’.

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It's Snarkurday!

EnvelopeGate. Yes, people are still talking about, even after the Academy’s accounting firm, Price-Waterhouse-Coopers, fell on Oscar’s sword and said it was their fault for having two copies of each envelope, which is why one of their accountants gave Warren Beatty the Best Actress envelope instead of the Best Picture envelope.

But were there others at fault ... Faye Dunaway? I mean, rumor has it that Warren and Faye were bickering like a couple of old has-beens backstage over who would get to make the announcement, so when Warren looked confused and flummoxed and kerfuffled, and then showed the card to Faye to get her take on it, she just blurted out “La La Land.”

A source says Faye and Warren were very cold with one another during rehearsals and wouldn’t even block their presentation together; they rehearsed separately because they both wanted to read the name.

Now, picture this, Beatty opens the card, sees Emma Stone’s name on it, realizes it’s the wrong card, acts confused, and then gives it to Faye to f**k it up. Wouldn’t that be better than hitting her with a wire hanger?

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Speaking of Oscar night, it’s not just about awards it’s also fashion and beauty and “Who are you wearing?” and “Who did your brows?” Yeah, people don’t usually ask about the brows, but after hearing this, you might wanna have your Red Carpet pros add it to their litany of questions ...

Sharon-Lee Hamilton is The ... and it deserves italics ... Eyebrow Stylist To The Stars. But she’s based in Sydney, Australia so what is an A-lister supposed to do? Well, if you’re bros, Leo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire, you send a plane Down Under to swoop Hamilton up and wing her to LA so she can sculpt your brows.

Yes, Mister Environmental, Mister Carbon Footprint, Mister I Fought and Got F**ked By A Bear, Leonardo DiCaprio paid thousands of dollars to have a specialist fly halfway around the world to pluck his eye hair ... and that of his BFF.

Men getting tweezed together; how adorable!

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More Oscars ... maybe Ryan Murphy’s next season of Feud can skip Chuck and Di and just give us Meryl and Karl.

It seems that when Meryl received her 123^rd Academy Award nomination the good folks at Chanel, and Karl Lagerfeld, were set to make her a custom gown, until she said she didn’t want it and the sparks flew!

Women’s Wear Daily [WWD] claims Meryl Streep turned down that couture Chanel after the fashion house refused to pay her to wear it. WWD’s Bridget Foley says Streep had her eye on an embroidered gray silk Lagerfeld gown and asked for the neckline to be customized, until, ALLEGEDLY, someone from Streep’s camp said:

“‘Don’t continue the dress. We found somebody who will pay us.’”

Lagerfeld then hissed to the press:

“A genius actress, but cheapness also, no?”

And so Streep’s team stepped forward to say Karl Lagerfeld is a big fat liar and that his account of what happened is nothing but fluff; they say it is against Meryl’s personal ethics to be paid to wear a gown on the red carpet.

Who to believe ... Meryl or Karl?  Brilliant actress, or fashion designer who doesn’t know when to stop talking and says asshatted things?

I’m Team Meryl. And that’s why I wasn’t surprised when Lagerfeld admitted he Jeff Sessions’d the whole thing:

“Chanel engaged in conversations with Ms. Streep’s stylist, on her request, to design a dress for her to wear to the Academy Awards. After an informal conversation, I misunderstood that Ms. Streep may have chosen another designer due to remuneration, which Ms. Streep’s team has confirmed is not the case. I regret this controversy and wish Ms. Streep well with her 20th Academy Award nomination.”

And Meryl, because she’s Meryl Freaking Streep wasn’t about to let Karl’s non-apology-apology sit:

“In reference to Mr. Lagerfeld’s ‘statement,’ there is no ‘controversy’: Karl Lagerfeld, a prominent designer, defamed me, my stylist and the illustrious designer whose dress I chose to wear, in an important industry publication. That publication printed this defamation, unchecked. Subsequently, the story was picked up globally, and continues, globally, to overwhelm my appearance at the Oscars, on the occasion of my record-breaking 20th nomination, and to eclipse this honor in the eyes of the media, my colleagues and the audience. I do not take this lightly, and Mr. Lagerfeld’s generic ‘statement’ of regret for this ‘controversy’ was not an apology. He lied, they printed the lie, and I am still waiting.”

Man, she went all Miranda Priestly on his ass and I am loving it!

Are you listening Ryan Murphy?

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Enough Oscars for now ... let’s move on to GOOP.

A few years ago, Gwyneth Paltrow and Tracy Anderson created a food-delivery service called 3 Green Hearts, which would deliver outrageously priced food to rich people who don’t wanna leave home. But 3 Green Hearts never really went anywhere until now, when the delivery service has morphed into a stand-alone cafe next door to Tracy’s newest fitness studio in Manhattan.

Now, because it’s GOOP, you know it costs, but, and here’s the deal, y’all, if you spend $900 a month for a membership to Tracy’s studio, you get discounts at the cafe. Yes, that’s right, if you plunk down $10,800 a year at Tracy’s fitness dungeon, you can save some coins at Paltrow’s fancy-pants cafe.

Um, Gwyneth, honey, if I’m paying nearly eleven thou a year to work out at your BFF’s gym, then the discount at your little green eatery better be one-hundred-effing-percent.

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Remember last week when I told you that Katherine Heigl’s new show, Doubt, would no doubt be cancelled halfway through the first episode?

Well, I ... was ... wrong. It took two full episodes for CBS to pull the plug. It will be replaced by a rerun of Bull and then a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off, Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders—which may or may not be about a now-closed bookstore—will take its place.

Poor Katherine. Well, at least she has those cat litter commercials to fall back on.

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Just to prove that it isn’t just Hollywood that has some icky family drama, let’s turn to the Biden’s.

Beau Biden, former Vice president Joe Biden’s son, passed away in 2015 after battling brain cancer. His death really devastated the family, and in turn was one of the reasons Joe decided not to run for president in 2016.

Cut to 2017, and we find that Beau Biden’s widow is dating Beau’s brother, Hunter. Now, it isn’t talking out of the corners of my mouth to say that it was widely known that Beau was “the good brother” and Hunter was kind of a mess—he was drummed out of the Navy and cheated on his wife, Kathleen and divorced her.

And that’s where the ick factor comes in. Joe’s daughter-in-law, Kathleen says that she and Hunter formally separated in October 2015, after had asked him to leave their home in July of the same year, “due to his conduct the night before.” Apparently the couple had an agreement that if he engaged in the conduct in question—though that conduct is not mentioned—he would leave. Kathleen also says claims that Hunter spent lavishly on “drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, strip clubs, and gifts for women with whom he has sexual relations” and that those “habits” depleted their funds available to pay legitimate bills. Kathleen wants their temporary spousal support to be $20K per month for herself, and $5K per month for Hunter, who is now involved with Hallie.

See, I said he was a mess. And what about Hallie? What was she thinking getting involved with a man like Hunter Biden? And, even a bit ickier ... Joe has apparently given the relationship his blessing.

It’s just so icky. My Daddy. My Uncle.

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And howsabout some ex-Missus Marc Anthony mess?

No, not JLo, silly, but his first wife, Dayanara Torres. She and Marc are once again involved in a child support battle, after she has already taken him to court in the past hoping to get a raise in her child support payments—for their two children—from $13,000 a month to $113,000 monthly. Right?

Anthony said that increasing child support would spoil the children essentially, and Dayanara says Marc was hiding millions in assets and that he gives his other ex, JLo, much more in support for his two children with her.

Well, the judge increased the support to roughly $28,000 a month—Marc also pays $ 6,000 to $ 12,000 a year for “vacation expenses”—and Dayanara has been quiet ... until now. She’s apparently ready to reignite her modeling career and so she’s talking dirt about Marc and their child support issues:

 “Being a mother is my main role, and I pushed my career off to the side. Now that they are older [Cristian is 16, Ryan is 13] I feel like I can let go a little. Work is already starting and I feel happy. The kids also want me to do what I’m doing.”

Torres faced backlash for taking Marc to court for more money, but she says it’s all about stability for the children ... she says they were living in a very small apartment and the boy’s had to share a room ... on $13,000 a month! But, she says, if they lived a lavish life with Marc when he had them, then they should have a lavish life with her, too ... or she should have the lavish life, I’m thinking.

And then Dayanara gets in a dig at JLo; talking about what happened during last fall’s Latin Grammys, where Marc was recognized for his career and sang a duet with JLo, which ended in a kiss between the exes, Dayanara says:

 “Such a shame that a moment of so much stature lost quality with everything that came after.”

Ouch. Dayanara doesn’t mention that Marc was married to someone else at the time of the kiss, or that that marriage broke up around the same time; she seems to save her digs for Lopez.

Methinks Dayanara needs to move on, get a modeling gig, and pay her own bills for a while. Maybe then she won’t feel the need to bash her children’s father in magazine pieces.

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Lastly some good news ... a few years back, Jim Parsons, Kaley Cuoco, and Johnny Galecki of The Big Bang Theory pulled a Friends and renegotiated their contracts so that they all make $1 million per episode. Soon, two other main cast members, Kunal Nayyar and Simon Helberg, hit the Million Dollar Club, too.

Well, it’s time once again for Big Bang Theory contract negotiations, and this time it’s  Mayim Bialik and Melissa Rauch—aka Sheldon’s girlfriend and Howard’s wife—who want the raise. The two joined the show in the third season and were getting $200,000 an episode ... how can they live on that!!!—but now that Bang is in its 10th season, they are considered main cast members and so they asked CBS for their million dollar checks, too.

But, CBS may not want to throw more coins at the cast because there’s a small chance that Bang won’t generate as much syndication revenue for these next two years, which might be the show’s final two years.

So Mayim and Melissa might have been cut out of the Major Payday Sweepstakes except, sources say that Jim, Kaley, Johnny, Kunal, and Simon have all offered to take a $100,000 pay cut per episode so that Mayim and Melissa will get a raise. With the extra money, they’ll each make $450,000 an episode.

How’s that for nice? I mean, sure, cutting your million-dollar-per-episode price down to nine-hundred-thousand-per-episode isn’t a huge cut—they won’t be living in shelters and eating out of the garbage, but still, it’s a nice gesture to make.

You know, millionaires lending a hand to other millionaires.

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I Didn't Say It ....

David Cameron, British Prime Minister David Cameron, on the new marriage equality in the UK: 

"The introduction of same-sex civil marriage says something about the sort of country we are. It says we are a country that will continue to honour its proud traditions of respect, tolerance and equal worth. It also sends a powerful message to young people growing up who are uncertain about their sexuality. It clearly says ‘you are equal’ whether straight or gay. That is so important in trying to create an environment where people are no longer bullied because of their sexuality – and where they can realise their potential, whether as a great mathematician like Alan Turing, a star of stage and screen like Sir Ian McKellen or a wonderful journalist and presenter like Clare Balding. We are a nation that is growing stronger economically because of our long term economic plan. But I hope we can also be a country that is growing stronger socially because we value love and commitment equally. Let us raise a toast to that – and all those getting married this weekend.”

I wish we could have a day like that, where our president could toast to all same-sex marriages in every state in the union.

So, the march goes on …

Trinity K. Bonet, revealing he's HIV+ on RuPaul's Drag Race:

“I came on this show with a mission because I am HIV-positive. I was diagnosed in August 2012, and I have so much to live for. I have so many goals and aspirations that I want to conquer in my life, so I’m not going to let an obstacle get in the way. And I wanted to come on this show, and I wanted to be that voice for people who are scared to speak out about that. ... I’m hoping that by sharing this that I will be affecting somebody’s life. And I’m hoping, by sharing my story, that I will inspire others and that they will take it and maybe apply it to themselves. ... It's not a disease, it's just a situation. I get up in the morning, I take my vitamin E, I take my fish oils and then I pop my pill and that's the end of that. I have to remember, 'Bitch, you're here for a reason. The main reason why I came here is I’m here for all those people so that you have somebody that you can look up to. There are people out there who love you and who support you. And if you don’t have anybody know that I love you and I support you. You have somebody that you can lean on."

I’m so happy that the stigma of being HIV+ is diminishing. We have so many people affected who are living longer, who are living, and we need to make sure that those newly infected realize that.

It isn’t a death sentence any more.

James Manning, Harlem "Pastor," on how the white gays moved to Harlem to indoctrinate Black men into homosexuality:

"The white homo who now lives in the [Harlem] community, and there are a lot of them that moved up here, they brought their restaurants, they brought some of their lifestyle, they brought their Starbucks coffee with them and like anybody else, they prey on black men, they convert black men. Not only those who live here, but in the office buildings all over New York City and places around America where homosexuals have supervisory positions."

Wow, we brought restaurants and Starbucks to Harlem? Just so we can convert Black men to the Homosexual Lifestyle?

Who knew all it took was a decent meal and a Double Venti Frappucino?

Or I guess we just get jobs in upper management so we can turn all our subordinates into The Gays.

Brendan Eich, Mozilla CEO, on the outrage over his donation to the Prop 8 campaign: 

"I know there are concerns about my commitment to fostering equality and welcome for LGBT individuals at Mozilla. I hope to lay those concerns to rest, first by making a set of commitments to you. More important, I want to lay them to rest by actions and results. ... I know some will be skeptical about this, and that words alone will not change anything. I can only ask for your support to have the time to “show, not tell”; and in the meantime express my sorrow at having caused pain."

I’ll give him a hot minute, but I’ll be watching because he's never said his position regarding Prop H8 and same-sex marriage has changed.
UPDATE: After the news broke yesterday that Eich supported bot Pat Buchannan--a racist, anti-Semitic homophobe--and Ron Paul, he stepped down as CEO.

Elaine Stritch, on her intense platonic relationship with Rock Hudson: 

"Did we have an affair? No. He was nuts about me, and I felt it, knew it. And I was madly in love with this gorgeous guy. But I couldn't have reacted in any real way because I don't think he was truly in love with me. I think he just loved me and loved that we had fun and loved to be with me. ... Anybody that dates you all the time, wants to be with you all the time, takes you out everywhere - he had a good time with me. You know what I'm talking about. And there's nobody who says that gay guys don't have fun with women, because they do!"

Some of my best friends are The Women!

David B. Oakley, the lawyer defending Virginia's ban on same-sex marriage:

"For example, if the definition of marriage is no longer based on procreation or the ability to procreate naturally, then what is the purpose in prohibiting marriage between persons of close kinship? Would it then be unconstitutional for two brothers who are confirmed bachelors and live together to marry so that they could own property as tenants by the entireties, file joint tax returns, qualify for health benefits, and obtain better insurance rates?"

First off, for example, marriage is not solely about procreation because if that were true we wouldn’t have single mothers and fathers having children without being married; and if this was true we also would not allow the elderly to marry because they can no longer procreate, and we wouldn’t let the infertile marry either.

And the idea that letting two men marry means brothers will marry one another is the most bassackward thing to say.

But then Oakley is from Virginia …

Karl Lagerfeld, on selfies: 

"They are this horrible thing where you are distorted. The chin is too big, the head is too small. No, this is electronic masturbation."

I guess this means we will never see a Lagerfeld selfies, and for that I am eternally grateful.