Snarky Thoughts

I love a good cheating scandal as much as the next queen but I never thought I’d find it on Good Morning America with Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes. Now, the cheaters would like y’all to know that they are not cheaters because “sources” claim they actually started bumping uglies after leaving their respective spouses.

My Thought: But then why did Amy and T.J. just run the New York City Marathon with Amy’s husband. Former actor Andrew Shue,  just a month ago? Doesn’t sound like Shue knew.

photo

We all know Drake will never be friends with Taylor Swift or anti-Semitic future presidential loser Kanye West, but perhaps it has something to do with his choice of birthday gifts? To celebrate pal DJ Khaled’s 47th birthday, Drake gave his friend FOUR luxurious toilets.

My Thought: Either Drake thinks he and Khaled’s friendship is “in the crapper” or he thinks the two of them are “the shits.”

photo

I forgave Jennifer Hudson for stealing my vocal stylings and for robbing me of the one role I was born to play … Effie Melody White in Dreamgirls, and for getting a talk show first, but now Miss Thing has crossed a line. Rumor has it JHud and Common might be a thing after Common was seen picking JHud up after filming her talk show in Burbank.

My Thought: ♪ ♫ And I am telling you, I'm not going ♫ ♪ ... to forgive this one so easily.

photo

I think Madge is not feeling so thirsty this week, but thank the goddesses that Jennifer Lopez is still parched, and still selling her marriage to Ben Affleck as the stuff of which dreams are made. It seems JLo is doing a follow-up to her album This Is Me…Then called This Is Me…Now inspired by her love with Ben. And even better she is said to be desperate to reboot Gigli, that box office and critical disaster that basically ended their romance.

My Thought: Someone get JLo a juice box stat before she remakes this film and ends the love story for the ages ... again.

photo

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

It was last we talked about how furious DJ Khaled was that his latest “musical” effort didn’t top the Billboard charts and how he threw a fit at his record label.

Well, he’s still pissy and is now threatening to sue Billboard ALLEGING that the organization unfairly disqualified more than 100,000 sales of “Father of Asahd,” robbing him of the No. 1 spot.

Khaled was her-sterical when his album came in at No.  2 to Tyler, the Creator’s IGOR after Billboard ALLEGEDLY discounted downloads old by the DJ and his producer as part of a “bundle deal” with an energy drink, a controversial industry practice to boost sales.

Billboard had agreed to count the downloads, but later backtracked, disqualifying Khaled’s entire sales from the promotion, arguing there were “anomalies” in his figures.

And now DJ Khaled is suing mad.

Seriously. Someone put him down for a nap; he cranky.

photo

I am no fan of Tom Cruise, y’all know that, but this is high-larious: Justin Bieber … Justin Effing Bieber … has challenged Tommy to an MMA-style fight with this Tweet:

“I wanna challenge Tom Cruise to fight in the octagon. Tom if you dont take this fight your scared and you will never live it down. Who is willing to put on the fight?”

I believe Tommy will have Suri step into the octagon for him, and even Suri could whip The Biebs.

photo

Gwyneth Paltrow is pooping shiz out of her mouth again, this time about her latest marriage to Brad Falchuck.

She says they only spend four nights a week together and, Gwynnie says, all her friends are jealous of the fact that the newlyweds live separately.

Huh. The last time Paltrow lived separately from a husband she called it Consciously Uncoupling and a divorce soon followed.

photo

Khloé Kardastrophe has a new spin coming out. And by that, I mean she thinks she can just tell a lie and the world will accept it as truth.

See, she wants y’all to know that she didn’t know she was breaking up a relationship when she began schtupping Tristan Thompson and getting knocked up because she didn’t know that he was already in a relationship with the Baby Mama of his first child.

It all began when she decided to drag Jordyn Woods for getting with Tristan given the fact that he cheated on his Baby Mama with Khloe until she got knocked up.

See the hypocrisy? Khloe doesn’t. But then she is a Kardastrophe.

photo

Wendy Williams’ life was a mess for a long time, given that her husband has been carrying on an affair for years using Wendy’s coins to fund his tryst, but now that they’ve separated—given that his side piece recently birthed his child—it appears Wendy’s life hasn’t gotten and easier.

Wendy, who nearly has a breakdown over the end of her marriage, though, has jumped right into a new relationship, and this one is as messy as the ex. See, her new man is not only there to console her, he has a record …and not the musical kind … and Wendy knows all about it and it’s totally fine!

Wendy, who left a sober living facility right after divorcing her cheating spouse also has her own drama with her son, Kevin Jr., whose Daddy, The Cheater, tried to pit against Wendy. Daddy, er, Kevin Sr. was trying to get more payouts from Wendy to take care of the side piece and the baby and told Junior to stop taking “handouts” from his mom. Wendy spilled all the tea to TMZ, but then shared the bright spot that she had a new man in her life: 27-year-old Marc Tomblin.

Sadly, as TMZ does, they checked Marc out and found court records that show that Marc pled guilty to conspiracy to commit robbery with a dangerous weapon in 2013.

But, again, it’s all good because Wendy knows. I guess when you’ve been conned by a guy for decades, you take a hot minute and check the new dude, as Wendy says:

“I’m not stupid! … I am a 54-year-old grown ass woman. I know what I’m doing … Look, my husband had a full baby with a woman he was involved with for 15 years … where I was cooped up only to be a show pony. Now, I’m living my life.”

With an ex-con.

I guess you gotta start somewhere.

photo

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Scottish acting hottie Richard Madden, right, was recently seen kind of embracing openly gay actor Brandon Flynn, left, while they are sharing a home in Los Angeles together, so they are obviously a couple?

Well, Richard Madden isn’t saying.

Madden, who plays Elton John’s first manager/ex-boyfriend John Reid in the Rocketman, is giving all kinds of interviews and, of course, since he’s playing gay onscreen, the reporters want to know which way he swings in real life, but Richard wants to keep that private:

“I just keep my personal life personal. I’ve never talked about my relationships.”

And he’s trying his best to beat the paparazzi at their own game while he and Brandon enjoy LA:

“I wear the same clothes days in a row, because if it looks like the same day, they can’t run the pictures. There’s only so many photos you can have of me with a green juice walking down the street.”

Good idea, but then there’s the pictures of Madden and Flynn wearing matching necklaces, the same kind of necklace that Richard gave to his ex-Jenna Coleman.

Well, maybe there was a sale?

At any rate, gay or not, they make a lovely couple.

photo

Sacha Baron Cohen, trying to stay relevant, has sunk to using Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson as the arbiter of his relevance.

According to The Daily Beast, Cohen has confirmed—though no one apparently even asked—that Pam and Kid Rock’s 4-month marriage ended in divorce because of Borat .

Seriously. Cohen says that Pam was in on the joke when his character Borat attempted to kidnap her at a Virgin Megastore book signing by throwing a bag on her head after she refused his proposal of marriage. Well, when the film came out in 2006—see, the relevance is over a decade old—Pam had recently married Kid Rock and then filed for divorce a few weeks later after they attended a screening of Borat. When it was over, Kid Rock “started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, ‘You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut! How could you do that movie?’”

Cohen says Pam texted him after and when he asked how it went, she told him the marriage was over because of “the movie.”

Sheesh, and I thought it just ended Cohen’s career.

photo

I guess  DJ Khaled’s parents never taught him that winning is everything, because big boy is throwing a mighty big hissy fit lately.

It appears that the rapper-producer is ALLEGEDLY fuming at his record label because his newest album, “Father of Asahd,” failed to debut at the top of the charts and instead landed all the way down at … Number 2.

Khaled then ALLEGEDLY stormed into Epic records with an entourage, temper flaring, angry and yelling, and blaming his Second Place Showing on label executive’s not understanding streaming services and bundle deals.

Publicly, Khaled is all about positivity, but rumor has it that he, and he alone, overhyped the record and blew it up as his biggest album ever and, oops, it wasn’t.

He also went off because an estimated 100,000 downloads of his album that were sold through a bundle deal with an energy drink weren’t included in his sales by Billboard. And he’s upset that his label didn’t demand the numbers be included so he could be Number One, instead of a stinky Number two.

Rich people problems. My heart aches for him.

photo

In the grand scheme of things, this really is just a pittance, but still … the divorce settlement between Robert De Niro and Grace Hightower is messy because she wants $250 million. I call that a pittance after Mackenzie Bezos nabbed $37 billion.

De Niro and Hightower, who split last year after 20 years together, are fighting over money; this really isn’t a surprise because it was just a couple of years ago that De Niro publicly whined about doing sh*tty movies because Hightower was spending so many coins. And so now, even though there is a prenup giving Grace far less, the bickering couple and their lawyers are trying to hash a settlement where she wants $250 million of his $500 million and he says, What the f**k?

Hightower has filed six subpoenas for De Niro’s financial records to prove he’s got the money, and that half should be hers except that when the couple remarried in 2004—they first married  in 1997 and divorced in 1999—she signed  a rigid prenup that limited her to a $6 million apartment, $500,000 in cash, and $1 million a year in alimony.

DeNiro’s lawyers are also, What the f**k, Grace, that is your signature on the prenup right?

I mean, yes, they were married a while, but she signed the deal, and she’s getting an NYC apartment, 500K in fast cash, and a million a year for life.

Take a seat, Grace, you made your prenup, and never bothered to upgrade so …

photo

Oh god, do I have to talk about Madonna again?

Short answer: yes. See, Madonna, who says she was raped years ago as a teenager, but never reported it, and then claimed a few years ago that having some of her music leaked before her album dropped was similar to being raped, is now crying rape again because …

She is not happy with her New York Times profile, most importantly that her favorite photo from the interview wasn’t :::gasp:::: used in the piece and slammed the newspaper as “one of the founding fathers of the Patriarchy”:

“To say that I was disappointed in the article would be an understatement- It seems. You cant [sic] fix society And its endless need to diminish, Disparage or degrade that which they know is good. Especially strong independent women.”

For the love of goddess, Madge, learn to spell, learn about punctuation, learn about grammar and learn that even Madonna doesn’t get everything she wants and when she doesn’t it isn’t because she’s a woman, or because she’s sixty, and it most assuredly isn’t rape.

I think women who’ve actually been sexually assaulted, and you count yourself among them, might disagree that a profile in the New York Times with a picture you don’t like, is not the same thing.

Siddown, hag.

photo