Why Is It ...

… that when I noticed the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled I laughed at the irony, and then I laughed again at the word “irony”

… that people don’t know that if I was a Jedi there’s a 100% chance I would use the Force inappropriately

… that while I often know better than to do certain things but my curiosity was like “do it” and my bad decisions were already putting on their shoes

… that you need to know that my self worth doesn’t depend on your opinion of me mainly because I already checked with myself and I think I’m doing a fantastic job. The Board of Directors [me] has spoken.

… that y’all need to know my Five ways to Have a Good Day: 1] Drink Coffee; 2] Avoid People; 3] Read a book; D] Drink more Coffee; and 4] Keep avoiding people

… that I often need to ask the haters watching life if they are okay with the volume or if I should turn it up

… that the people who think they know me don’t see my 5AM runs, or see me choosing a salad over French fries, or doing yoga in a peaceful room, don’t realize it’s because I don’t do any of that

… that when I ask myself if I’m the problem we almost always say no

… that “naked hiking” is apparently done without GPS, no music and no distractions and yet no one bothered to tell me sooner

… that y’all need to know that I didn't survive Y2K, 9/11, Swine Flu, Bird Flu, multiple recessions, that time I woke up naked in a corn field, and COVID just to be taken out by diarrhea lettuce

Miss Lindsey Is Dead

Well, well, well …♪♫ Ding Dong ♫♪ Lindsey Graham is dead. I saw lots of words about it on Facebook yesterday and kinda put it all together and do what he asked of America in 2016 when he said, on camera:

"Use my words against me."

And so these are some of his words … but first the facts: Miss Lindsey died Saturday night at his Washington home of what his office calls a “brief and sudden illness.” He served four terms, chaired the Judiciary and Budget committees, and spent decades as one of the loudest voices in American foreign policy.

First thing Sunday morning the stories came in … Cankles declared Lindsey a "true American Patriot" while fellow war criminal Benjamin Netanyahu said Lindsey was a beloved friend. But now let’s hear Lindsey Graham in his own words:

In December 2015, Graham called Cankles a "race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot."

In February 2016 he said: "I think he's a kook. I think he's crazy."

Also in 2016 he said: “There’s only one way to make America great again. Tell [him] to go to hell.”

In May he wrote: "If we nominate [him] we will get destroyed... and we will deserve it."

And he refused to vote for him. But then Cankles won the presidency and Lindsey Graham discovered golf and by late 2017 Lindsey was scolding the media for calling the president a “kook.” Not the first time his own words came back at him.

His best friend was John McCain, a man Cankles the Draft Dodging Bone Spur mocked for being captured in Vietnam and kept mocking even after McCain dead. Lindsey Graham wept for McCain on the Senate floor and then kissed the ass of the man who spat on McCain’s grave.

In response to Cankles remarks about McCain, Miss Lindsey said: “I don’t like what he says about John McCain but when we play golf, it’s fun.”

The words he wanted used against came in 2016, when he swore that if a Supreme Court seat opened in an election year, the next president should fill it; in 2018 he repeated the promise and added: "hold the tape." Then, in October 2020, as Judiciary chairman, he rammed Amy Coney Barrett onto the Court eight days before the election.

In November 2020, Georgia's Republican secretary of state said Graham had called him asking about tossing legally cast mail ballots. Graham lied about it and denied it, fought the grand jury subpoena all the way to the Supreme Court, and lost.

On January 6th, with the glass still on the Capitol floors, doors still broken into pieces and insurrectionists’ feces still smeared on the walls, Lindsey Graham announced:

"Count me out. Enough is enough."

He was done with Cankles … but within months he was back at Mar-Illegal.

He cheered the country into war with Iraq and just three weeks ago he was on television promising that if diplomacy failed, Cankles was "going to take the Strait of Hormuz."

Graham infamously and shamelessly and relentlessly defended Cankles during corruption investigations, impeachment proceedings, rape trials, and manner of legal controversies, and was widely known as the biggest brown-noser in Washington.

Now, to be fair Lindsey was, at one time, a fair politician, working with both parties to get things done, and to the very end of his life, he was one of Ukraine's most reliable champions in the Senate. In fact, he died the day after standing beside President Zelensky in Kyiv. He will deserve some praise for that …

Still, during his Senate tenure, South Carolina has routinely ranked among the nation's worst-performing states in education, healthcare, poverty, infant mortality, and overall quality-of-life indicators. Miss Lindsey, long rumored to be a deeply closeted homosexual, was also a staunch opponent of LGBTQ+ rights.

We have Lindsey Graham to thank for that.

But how do you weigh that against a man who saw Cankles for exactly what he was, spoke of him as a bigot and a racist and a kook, watched him denigrate his best friend, even in death, and then spent over a decade bowing and scraping to a racist, fascist, con artist, grifter, thief and sexual predator.

Bless his heart.

Oscar Fashion ... From Teyana to Timothée

Okay, so here are my thoughts ... my thoughts ... on the Hots and Nots and Just Plain Awfuls at the Oscars.

What did you think?

VERY BEST

Teyana Taylor is what looked like fur but turned out to be feathers or fringe. No one else looked quite as regal or edgy or fun.

BEST  

clockwise from top left

Ava DuVernay took wing in this glamourous gown in midnight blue. Those shoulder wings looked like she was about to take flight.

Nicole Kidman in pale pink feathers and jewels looked the very essence of Pretty in Pink. The feathered peplum and the feathered fringe fluttered as she walked, or glided, down the

Wunmi Mosaku was nine months pregnant at the Oscars and she glowed in this green jeweled dress; pure elegance.

Rose Byrne brought the class to the carpet in this simple flowered gown with minimal jewelry and a simple hair style; as any Oscar nominee should.

GOOD 

clockwise from top left

Amy Madigan looked fun and playful in this fringed jacket and she had every right; her last Oscar nomination was forty years ago!

Audry Nuna looked regal in this gold-plated, full skirted dress; she played almost evil looking and rocked it.

Emma Stone always looks really good, if not sometimes very simple; this is a classy, elegant look without all the bells and whistles of some other women.

Kathy Bates proved you can be a woman of a certain age and look utterly gorgeous; from the hair to the neckline to the jeweled bodice and the full skirt she was a queen.

Renate Reinsve is Simply Red; at first I was annoyed because I was getting red sheet wrapped around the body, but the more I saw it, I loved the simplicity in the sea of ball gowns and feathers and sequins.

Jessie Buckley floated down the carpet and up the stairs to collect her Oscar; I loved the red banded top and the flowing pink skirt.

Demi Moore is the yin to Nicole’s yang; I loved the feathers but hated the feathers nearly covered her recently constructed 2026 face.

Chase Infiniti is someone I don’t know but I love the lilac ruffles falling from her side. I like her hair, but maybe something different for this dress.

MEH 

clockwise from top left

Anne Hathaway looks like she was pulling a Rose Byrne dress but on sale; too many flowers cheap and the look and the black gloves? Seriously.

Bella Thorne was giving 60’s Ann-Margaret—Google her kids—but the gown looked old on her; she should have gone more youthful and fun.

GOOP in a stiff column dress to match her stiff face; I have never seen a more dour look at the Oscars, especially in white.

Melissa McCarthy has been looking fabulous lately and this sequined number did the trick; but then why wear a long-sleeved black T underneath it?

Priyanka Chopra-Jonas is a mess; the bodice seemed ill-fitting and kind of lumpy and the skirt looks like it belongs to another dress. But the black shoes? Oh Hell No.

Ginnifer Goodwin gives me grieving widow in the dress combined with Let’s ride the slide childishness of the hair. Mismatch.

Felicity Jones got swallowed up in this yellow mess; it gives her now shape and there seemed to be far too many embellishments and  flounces and ruffles.

Ejae is someone I don’t know and I liked this dress at first, but when I saw this picture the sash around her waist made it appear as if she was wearing a white knee-length slip underneath it and now I cannot unsee it.

BAD 

clockwise from top left

Barbie Ferreira in a ball gown. A.Ball.Gown. I thought they were over, especially in that 80s blue, and yet what made it even worse was, as she posed on the carpet she kept bending over to display The Girls. Nope, we don’t do that here.

Elle Fanning in a ball gown too, though she always wears the Cinderella fantasy look and it’s getting old and so is Elle, Bring some edge, girl  before you’re the seventy-year-old actress in Disney Princess drag.

Sigourney Weaver should take notes from Kathy Bates; women of a certain age don’t need to be completely covered up in sequined sofa fabrics unless she’s making a play for JD Vance?

Kristin Wiig is either way too avant-garde or way too simple, or way too drab. Drab won this year with a tank top and a floor-length hostess skirt.

WTF... Pick Your Worst 

clockwise from top left

Auli’i Cravalho looks like her breasts are cannons and she’s ready to go to Iran and fight; plus the skirt seems extra full in the front.

Chloe Zhao is the Angel of Doom; how else do you explain this mess.

Isabel Zuaa took last year’s trend of having shoulder straps slightly above the shoulders and raised it by about a foot; it’s like she’s the Incredible Shrinking woman in the dress.

Odessa A'zion does her own styling; ‘nuff said about that. I will give her props for having a voice but maybe she shouldn’t always listen to it.

Misty Copeland is one of the most beautiful women in the world, and yet this dress with the over-sized almost Talking Heads looking black bolero jacket with ruffles is senseless. Maybe, as a retired ballet dancer she missed the tutu?

MEN

VERY BEST

Michael B. Jordan could show up in sweats and ratty t-shirt still look fabulous but he chose this sleek and modern take on a tuxedo that closed at the neck. I love the buttons and the chain detail and  I could eat him with a spoon.

VERY GOOD 

clockwise from top left

Shaboozy; I just wanna sit next to him and watch him smile. And smile he did in this modern take of an older tuxedo look. The white tie and the hint of white in the shoe and the jewelry sealed the deal!

Jeremy Pope chose the modern white double-breasted tuxedo jacket with a black shirt coiled around his neck; he looked just p[lain cool and hot.

Ryan Coogler chose a simple black tuxedo with a white bow tie and the perfect sleek pocket square. He looked regal and handsome.

Adrien Brody; I have always crushed on Adrien Brody and he served it up at the Oscars in this all-black tuxedo with a jeweled pocket square of his own; tall and dreamy.

GOOD 

clockwise from top left

Chase Stokes looked luscious in a velvet jacket with no tie and sleek black pants. Grrrrrr.

Lewis Pullman kinda went safe in a simple man’s suit and tie but he pulled it off; effortless.

Miles Caton played the color drenched card and wore the same color from head to toe; it was elegant and classy.

Pedro Pascale was hot without the weather in this crisp white shirt with ruffled sleeves and a floral detail above the pocket. Few men could this off but Pedro isn’t like other men, he’s got edge.

Joe Alwyn looked simple and elegant in a black tuxedo but the tie was a nice choice; not a bow-tie or a necktie but a simple blousy tie.

Kieran Culkin is classic yet modern in a burgundy jacket over black shirt and tie and pants; like many of the men, he bejeweled the lapel for some pizzazz.

MEH 

clockwise from top left

Damson Idris looks good, and hot and new, but the jacket just seems too long and too heavy for a hot night; he gets props, though, for designing his own jewelry and lapel pin.

Felix Kammerer is a little too casual for the Oscars. I like the color but the rolled-up sleeves are too retro not cool retro.

Paul Mescal; goddess I adore him, but he seems to be wearing an outfit similar to Joe Alwyn’s but it seems ill-fitting and uncomfortable. But Paul gets a pass because he’s Paul.

Wagner Moura was one of the Hot Men at the Oscars but that white buttoned up shirt with no tie looked like he forgot to finish dressing. An all-black look would have been much better.

Jacob Elordi gets points for being a tall drink or water and rocking a porn stache, but his look seems old school, emphasis on the old and I cannot forgive his shoes.

Hudson Mills—one of the stars of Heated Rivalry—looks nice enough though he’s got a smug face and that takes points off, but what really annoyed me was that he was trying to sell the accessories; he held his arm at his waist to show off the watch. This isn’t Home Shopping, Hudson.

WTF 

left to right

Kevin O’Leary—I do not know him—but he looked like a professional wrestler who showed up at the wrong event.

Spike Lee. First off, the look isn’t bad except for the big purse but the way he’s standing looks like he either has to go to the bathroom or just did.

WORST

Timothée Chalamet. Where to begin … his smug little scamp attitude, the all-white milk man look that screams Garanimals For Tiny Actors; the stance; the sunglasses. It all makes it clear that Timothée thinks he’s It but he’s not.

Why Is It ...

… that no one believes that I have no skeletons in my closet I do have a tiny box of souls in my underwear drawer.

… that nothing pisses me off more than pulling up to my job and finding the building still standing.

… that just because I like to walk around in my underwear, eating Doritos, does not make me strange and the people in Aisle Four need to get a life.

… that I often feel the need to tell people they should go to church because I don’t want them in Hell with me

… that more people don’t ask for my opinion. I mean, like the other day I said to a coworker, ‘Relax, you aren’t the dumbest person in the world but you better hope he doesn’t die.’

… that I often tell songs to “Shut up” before I skip them.

… that once I’m in bed and I turn over on my stomach and make that 4-shape with my legs it’s a wrap

.… that my idea of help is a sniper on the roof.

… that if I died and went straight to Hell it would probably take weeks to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.

… that every time I try to donate blood I always get the same stupid questions: Who’s blood is it? Where did you get it? Why is it in a bucket?

Christmas Memes

An Open Letter to Kevin Spacey

Dear Kevin Spacey,

I, and most of the world, when you were sued by several young men for sexual misconduct allegations back in 2017, which led to you being fired from major projects and shunned by the film industry. Well, what I remember most is that, after years and years of rumors that you were gay, and after years and years of him vehemently denying it, you finally came as a way of seemingly explaining why you tried to assault Anthony Rapp when he was just 14:

"I have a lot of respect and admiration for Anthony Rapp as an actor. I'm beyond horrified to hear this story. I honestly do not remember the encounter ... But if I did behave then as he describes, I owe him the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior. As those closest to me know, I have had relationships with both men and women. I have loved and had romantic encounters with men throughout my life, and I choose now to live as a gay man."

So much to unpack; you said, “if I did behave … as he describes,” which takes zero accountability for your actions with a child, but then you blame it on being drunk, and finally say it was because you were a closeted gay man.

I was insulted from the jump because you, as a gay man, played into that trope that closeted gay men, hell, most gay men, sexually assault young boys because we are all pedophiles. Not so, Kevin; you assaulted young men because you’re a predator who used you power and fame and influence and reputation as a well-respected actor to lure young men into hotel rooms to assault them.

You didn’t molest anyone because you were gay, you did it because you’re a predator, whether drunk or not. I lost whatever respect I had for you at the time and now you step into the light, again, to say you’re homeless because the scandal ruined your career:

“I’m living in hotels, I’m living in Airbnbs, I’m going where the work is. I literally have no home, that’s what I’m attempting to explain.”

Oh I am heartbroken. You live in hotels and Airbnbs? And that’s homelessness? I imagine a great many unhoused people would love to have the funds to live in a nice hotel—because we all know you’re not staying at Motel 6 down by the highway—or at an Airbnb:

“I’ve had very little coming in and everything going out … Everything is in storage, and I hope at some point, if things continue to improve, that I’ll be able to decide where I want to settle down again.”

So, you have lots of things in storage that I’m sure you pay for and live in hotels as you travel the world for work and you want, what, sympathy? Sorry, Kevin, not sorry. This is a mess of your making and you have yet to fess up to what you’ve done and fully apologize for it, and you have continued to play the victim.

The booze made you assault young men and boys.

Being gay made you do it.

And now you want us to believe you’re homeless?

Not happening. You’re responsible for this and any time you try to play the victim card you are negating the lives of all those men and boys that you assaulted.

Oscar Fashions: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and Timothee Chalamet

Here we are, another year, another Oscars, with a little pretty and a little ugly, and one that I will have to scrub from my brain to forget that I saw it, so let’s dive right in …

THE VERY BEST

Halle berry sometimes misses the mark and sometimes tries to hard, but damn, any women that looks this fabulous in a mirrored dress needs to be wearing a mirrored dress so she can see herself all the time.

VERY GOOD

Demi Moore; we all see the work done to her face, with her mouth taking on some weird upside down shape, but … in this dress I forgive her. She looks stunning in a simple silvery sequin number that gave her some curves she desperately needed—did she steal some butt pads from a drag queen. A wee quibble is that I wish she’d get rid of the Cher Hair … even Cher has putt hat away for most events.

Raye looks regal and sexy and so not pink and blush and nude and sweet; she’s out for a helluva night and even though she’s a wee lass, the dress is not swallowing her up;  brava.

Selena Gomez rarely smiles on the red carpet but she was the other night and it may have been this gorgeous gown; it’s va-va-va-voom and she worked it from the hair to the jewels to the shoes.

GOOD—clockwise

Ana de Armas; it’s simple and elegant, but the neck-piece ratcheted it up a notch and only the stringy hair knocked it down a peg.

Lisa is a singer I’ve never heard of, and while this look may seem wrong to some, I love the edge, and the idea of a very oversized coat over a very oversized shirt and pants; very rock-n-roll.

Michelle Yeoh always brings some Old Hollywood glam, and I like that as much as I liked Lisa’s edge. Michelle is chic and cool and colorful.

Brandi Carlile in a suit; but not  a boring suit, a suit with dots and a red sash. I kinda wish the pants were a bit more straight legged to g ive them an edge , but Brandi always does Brandi and no one does it better.

Zoe Saldaña; some of you might not like this, but it’s giving me modern Victorian Grecian goddess; the hair could’a used some work and the gloves are a No, but she brought a new silhouette to the Oscars and she gets props for it not being silver or blush or nude …

Cynthia Erivo is here because she has style and she takes risks and she loves some fashion; I like the dress and it’s deep green nod to Wicked but it kind of swallows her up.

NICE … I HATE NICE

Elle Fanning has made it her mission to wear the cute, sweet, pinky, flowy princess dresses to very single awards show but I bet she would kill the carpet in something dark and moody and evil slutty. Do you hear me, Elle?

Emma Stone. I love the new short hair, and I love her attitude, but with her pale skin and the color of this dress it’s all kind of a one-note gown; pretty but nice and who wants to be nice.

FROM MEH to VERY GOOD

Ariana Grande on the carpet looked ridiculous; I am over her in the cutie pie fluffy, gauzy ball gown-y flesh toned concoctions; plus, how in the hell is she gonna sit down in that thing? 

But then, the bitch shows up onstage to sing wearing a gorgeous blood red sequin-and-tolle gown with some mothertucking ruby slippers! 

That’s the dress, Ari; take note.

MEH—clockwise

Lily-Rose Depp; I get it, Nosferatu, but did she have to create this gauzy, shreddy hooker-ish mess with an ice skating top and salon girl bottom; and do not get me started on that pose.

Lupita Nyong’o usually looks so good and fashionable and chic and also edgy and here she looks like the last girls picked to be a bridesmaid. It bores me.

Margaret Qualley looks dull; I mean, between the boring nothing dress and that up-do on her head, I’m just walking past her.

Mikey Madison is lucky she won an Oscar or else people might remember her for this boring number; she’s a young girl who looks like she raided her Nana’s closet. It looks Good and Plenty and yet it reads like Meh and Less.

Scarlett Johansson is another actress far too young to be looking so matronly. Did her career die and she’s off to the funeral?

Meg Ryan crawled out of the substance to make an appearance and while I like a red velvet gown as much as I like red velvet cake, what’s with the clod-hoppers on her feet. Is this her mucking out the stalls drag?

Connie Nielsen is another one who plays up the dress and then forgets what's on her head. The dress is nice, though the nude illusion, pink blush colors are over for me, but I cannot forgive the hair. Why!!!!!

Isabella Rossellini is a gorgeous women who was swallowed up in her salute to David Lynch and Blue Velvet. Yes, she’s of an older generation but she doesn’t have to wear Grannies drapes.

Felicity Jones in a column of silver. It’s pretty but she could hardly walk and it was giving me Tin Man vibes … and she wasn’t in Wicked!!!

Fernanda Torres is another older actress but this mess doesn’t do her any favors. The peplum is too long and the sleeves, too. I kept thinking if she cut off the bottom of the skirt beneath the peplum  and shortened the sleeves it’d make a nice glitzy fun and flirty cocktail dress … but as an Oscar gown it’s not working.

BAD

Miley Cyrus is always trying to hard to look either chic or tough, designer or trash bag, and she fails on all counts. This all black number is a mess and then she threw on lace driving gloves? While you’re out buying yourself flowers, get yourself a stylist with tatse.

Mindy Kaling looks like Jiffy Pop; she ;looks like the piece of mfoil I take off of the turkey for the last half hour or so to let it brown. Look at Demi or Halle to see how silver is done because it’s not this Reynolds Wrap nightmare.

Penelope Cruz id a beautiful woman but she never quite gets it; the corset on the dress seems too long and covers her hips so she looks like she has none; and those two straggly bits at the bottom? Is the dress trying to escape?

Rita Wilson is an attractive woman and yet she always dresses like someone took the drapes down in the dining room and slapped them on her body in some sort of homage to a chiffon Mumu.

WORST

Whoopi Goldberg is looking good after losing some weight but this shiny number does her no favors; it doesn’t move and so the front lifts off the ground when she stands still and she looks ready to take off. The top part is gorgeous but the bottom part starts too low on her hips … sigh … she almost had it.

Goldie Hawn. That’s all.

WORST OF THE WORST

Jackie Weaver looks like an orderly at the Old Actors Home. All she needs is some sensible shoes with non-slip soles.

THE BEST MEN

Jeff Goldblum has his own quirky style and it’s always something. I love the untucked shirt and white jacket; I love the flower on his lapel,  and I love the colorful placket on the shirt. It’s whimsical and a bit wicked.

Colman Domingo always brings the fashion and this take on a tuxedo, in scarlet no less, with a wrap belt, says it all. And he never forgets the jewelry either.

Paul Tazewell shows he’s a costume designer and stylist with this look; it looks like a classic tuxedo, but then there’s a very wide cummerbund and the white silk scarf doubling as a tie with a jeweled accent. Yes sir, you worked it.

VERY GOOD

Andrew Garfield went casual, but it’s kind of 70s cool guy casual who might just toss his car keys into the fishbowl at the start of the after party if you get my meaning. Additional points for no black and looking long and lean and mean.

Joe Locke, an actor I’ve never heard of, took a sort of old school jacket and pants and set them on fire with a glittering vest and white tie … he just looks cool and I like a messy hairstyle, too.

Sterling K Brown went old school in the white jacket tuxedo and he always looks good; not fussy, but hot.

GOOD—clockwise

Kieran Culkin nails the all-black chic look, from the jacket and shirt all the way down to the shoes; add that in with his irreverence and sense of humor and he’s smoking hot.

Dave Bautista proves a big monster of a man—and I’d like to climb him—can dress chic and classy in a deep blue tuxedo with a hint of glitz on the lapel; take note, Dwayne Johnson.

Adrien Brody always revs my engine, even in a safe tuxedo; tall and lady with a sweet smile and the dash of glamour on the coat—no doubt thanks to his partner, the fabulous Georgina Chapman—he looks fabulous.

Jeremy Pope is sizzling sexy in a black silky suit with an Asian twist; where are my chopsticks?

John M Chu brought out a wee bit of the Wicked—he was the director—in his dark green velvet jacket with silk lapels; just a slight change in color and the look is fresh..

Jeremy Strong  in Obama Tan, with a riff on a tie and some cool shoes. He got the memo that the Tuxedo Barn is not the place to shop for your Oscar drag.

MEH

Edward Norton is a brilliant actor and needs a brilliant stylist who will tell him that his tuxedo may be from 2025 but it’s giving me 1965 Eddie and that’s not good.

Sean Evans is a social media personality on YouTube and he’s only here because, while I loathe the ordinary tuxedo, I have an affinity for a bald man and he fills the bill. Now, if he learned to dress better …

Guy Pearce could be another Jeff Goldblum, but he went for the boring basic bitch of a tuxedo look; he’s a very attractive man but I just want to ask him for another glass of wine from the bar.

Willem Dafoe. I like an all-black look—I’ve been known to rock an all-black look—but Dafoe is giving me shaggy dog who had his head out the car window on the way to the ceremony and it’s ruined everything.

WORST

Jerry O’Connell looks like he always looks … a slimy used car salesman woefully out of place. I  guess those Vegas casinos that offer the 49-cent dinners were one maître de short Sunday night.

Bowen Yang has great style but what self-respecting gay man would wear a flowered embroidered bolero jacket? Oh Bowen, honey … no, no,

Sebastian Stan is smoking hot, with a body like few other men, but this basic tuxedo does him no service especially when the shirt looks a little nicotine stained and the laundry couldn’t bleach it away; it just makes it all look drab.

VERY WORST

Timothee Chalamet  likes to be different but this Country Crock Butter Nutso thing is a miss by a mile. The color is hideous, though I guess if you were playing ‘Where is Timothee’ in the audience shots the other night, you’d appreciate it. I don’t. Sorry, Chalamet, I can’t believe it’s not better … and that’s no typo.

SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Omar Apollo, American singer-songwriter and actor; I’ve never heard of him but he gets props for going outside the box with the cool shoes, the all black suit, the checked scarf as tie and the jewelry on the lapel. But where he really wins me over is the additional of a mothertucking veil! Werk!

Oscarvations

Well, here we are again … the 97^th Academy Awards and me, writing my 97^th post about show; okay, so it feels like I’ve been blogging for 97b years! It was a good show, not a great show, and had some fun and funny  moments and some STFU moments, and good fashion and bad fashion, so let’s rip …

The show opened with what I thought was going to be about the recent fires in LA and rebuilding the city but then we had Ariana Grande, in ruby slippers no less, onstage singing ‘Over the Rainbow’ from The Wizard of Oz quite beautifully, followed by Cynthia Erivo giving her gorgeous rendition of ‘Home’ from The Wiz. Then the two united and sang ‘Defying Gravity’ from Wicked; beautifully done, though of course this queen loved anything Oz-ish.

Conan O’Brien was host and we see a stage hand knocking on his dressing room but he’s not inside. Instead it’s Demi Moore from The Substance giving herself the shot and then collapsing on the floor. Her back rips open and out crawls … Conan, ready to host except … he lost a show. So he dips back into Demi, literally, and retrieves the footwear before heading to the stage  to a voiceover …

Please welcome to the stage, a four-time Oscar … viewer!

And Conan hit the stage …

Hi, Demi. How are you? That was weird. Yeah, awkward. I’m missing some car keys.

Welcome to the 97th Academy Awards. It’s Hollywood’s biggest night, starting at four in the afternoon. Everyone here just had brunch — I don’t understand it.

O’Brien did an extended bit with Adam Sandler, wearing a hoodie and basketball shorts in the audience, which I thought was going to evolve into a Zelenskyy bit about his lack of wearing a suit to meet The Felon; that was a missed opportunity, I thought. But hey, they can’t all be gems, so let’s dig into the show, with some of Cona’s bits sprinkled throughout.

Robert Downey Jr. presents OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR  … Kieran Culkin for A Real Pain. He reminded his wife of a promise she made:

'About a year ago, I was on a stage like this and I very stupidly, publicly said that I want a third kid from her because she said if I won the award she would give me the kid. Turns out she said that because she didn't think I was gonna win. Later, she goes, "Oh god, I did say that. I guess I owe you a third kid." And I turned to her and I said, "Really, I want four,"' and she said  I will give you four when you win an Oscar.'

Andrew Garfield is out to present with Goldie Hawn and some uneasy banter ensues about her career and how loved she is only making her appear old, which she is; they present … BEST ANIMATED FILM … Flow … and then BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM … In the Shadow of Cypress.

Little fact for you: ‘Anora’ uses the F-word 479 times. That’s three more than the record set by Karla Sofía Gascón’s publicist.

O’Brien then pitched his voice up to imitate Gascón’s reps:

You tweeted WHAT?!

The camera cut to Gascón, who seemed to be in on the joke, making prayer hands.

Karla, if you’re going to tweet about the Oscars, remember, my name is Jimmy Kimmel.

Lily Rose Depp, Elle Fanning, John Lithgow, Connie Nielsen and Bowen Yang all present … OUTSTANDING COSTUME DESIGN … with Bowen wearing his Wicked costume to … Wicked … and to Paul Tazewell—HOT MAN ALERT—the first Black man to ever with the award.

Amy Poehler is up and, as usual, every time I see her on an awards show stage, my first thought is, ‘Where’s Tina Fey?’ … she says she’s ‘honored to be here to present the two most important awards, Most Athletic and Best Hair but first BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY … ‘I believe it was William Shakespeare who said, ‘writing is a bitch’’ … Sean Baker for Anora … then BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY … Peter Straughan for Conclave

If you haven’t seen ‘Conclave,’ its tagline is: A movie about the Catholic Church, but don’t worry.

Chalamet will not get hit on his bike ride home tonight in that suit

No Smart phones were allowed on the set of Dune. The director didn’t want them Googling what the film was about.

June Squib and Scarlett Johansson are out to present … June says she got a little makeup done and is actually being played by Nosferatu’s Bill Skarsgård … ‘Half the time you see me in public, it’s Bill Skarsgård. The Real June Squib is at home with a book.’ … BEST HAIR AND MAKEUP … The Substance

Note to Garfield and Hawn: that’s awards show banter.

Another movie nominated for best picture is ‘I’m Still Here.’ Incredible film. It’s about a woman who forges ahead alone after her husband goes missing. When my wife saw it, she called it the feel-good movie of the year.

Amazon has taken over creative control of the 007 franchise. They just announced the next James Bond. It’s Amazon Senior Vice President of Global Affairs Steve Belsky! Ladies love him!

Halle Berry looking stunning in Siriano … pays tribute to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson and their Bond franchise that they no longer control with singer Lisa singing ‘Live and Let Die’ … Doja Cat giving us ‘Diamonds are Forever’ while literally dripping in gems and Raye singing ‘Skyfall’ and making me long for Adele. Raye’s good, but, c’mon, Adele.

Conan shows off his new film viewing service, Cinemastream … a movie theater screen made up entirely of cell phones for people who don’t go to the movies but watch them on a 3’ by 5” screen.

Timothée Chalamet is nominated for his portrayal of Bob Dylan in A Complete Unknown. Bob Dylan wanted to be here tonight, but not that badly.

Daryl Hannah is out to present but first says Slava Ukraini, the battle cry of the Ukrainian military in one of the very few political references last night … ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING … Anora and Sean Baker again!

Da'Vine Joy Randolph … BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS …  Zoe Saldaña … Emilia Pérez … My fellow nominees, the love and community you showed me, I will pay it forward. Zoe thanks her husband—HOT MAN ALERT—Marco Perego-Saldaña before saying she is the American of Dominican origin to win that award.

Ben Stiller, whom I do not find funny at all, won me over a bit last night after the stage got stuck lifting him up to present so he had to hop up and down before finally crawling out … BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN … Wicked

Mick Jagger … all 81-spry-years of him … stayed tuned later this week for a Tale of Carlos about Mick …is out to present BEST ORIGINAL SONG … I wasn’t the first choice to present this award the producers wanted Bob Dylan but he refused saying the best songs were in A Complete Unknown and he suggested they find somebody younger … so here I am … to—HOT MAN ALERT—Clement Ducol—Camille, and Jaques Audiard for ‘El Mal,’  Emilia Pérez

I really liked Babygirl … in which Antonio Banderas plays a man who doesn’t know how to give his wife an orgasm. He described it as the most challenging role of his career.”

A complete unknown and a real Nosferatu; just some of the names I was called on the red carpet tonight.

Selena Gomez and Samuel L. Jackson … BEST DOCUMENTARY  SHORT FILM … The Only Girl in the Orchestra … Molly O’Brien and Lisa Remington … and BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE … No Other Land … Basel Adra, Rachel Szor, Hamdan  Ballal, Yuval Abraham

Next up was a Salute to LA Firefighters … after the longest ovation of the night, deservedly so, Conan asks three of them to tell a joke even he wouldn’t say:

Our hearts go out to those who lost their homes and I’m talking about the producers of Joker 2.

To play Bob Dylan Timothee Chalamet had to learn to sing, in fact his signing was so good he almost lost the part.

It’s great to be back with Conan. Usually when he calls he’s stuck in a tree

Miles Teller and Miley Cyrus … two  of my least favorites who seem to think everyone loves them … got news for you, they don’t … BEST SOUND … Dune Pt 2 … Gareth John, Richard King, Ron Bartlett, Doug Hemphill

At the first Oscars Emil Janning won for The Way of the Flesh and two years later he won for the sequel, The Way of the Flesh 2: Electric Flesh-aloo.

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is so prestigious and it’s also a sidewalk.

We’re at the halfway point of the show so it’s time for Kendrick Lamar to come out and call Drake a pedophile.

Rachel Zegler and Gal Gadot … BEST VISUAL EFFECTS … Dune Pt 2 … Paul Lambert, Stephen, Rhys Salcombe, Gred Nefzer … followed by Ana de Armas and—HOT MAN ALERT—Sterling K BROWN … BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM … I’m Not A Robot … Victoria Warmerdam and Trent.

Morgan Freeman is out to pay tribute to recently deceased Gene Hackman and then we get The Death Crawl In Memoriam … with a choir … I haven’t heard tell of who got left out of the tribute … yet.

Joe Alwynn—HOT MAN ALERT—Alba Rohrwacher, Zoe Saldaña, Dave Bautista and Willem Dafoe present OUTSTANDING CINEMATOGRAPHY … The Brutalist, Lol Crawley

I loved ‘The Brutalist,’ I really did. I didn’t want it to end, and luckily, it didn’t.

MARK Hamill … looking rode and put away wet … BEST ORIGINAL SCORE … The Brutalist Daniel Blumberg

Oprah Winfrey … goddess why is she here … and Whoopi Goldberg salute the career of Quincy Jones before Queen Latifah … why … performs  Ease on Down The Road why … in some sort of Tin Man madness.

If your speech goes on too long we cut to John Lithgow looking slightly disappointed …or show one of your old had shots … Chalamet in the womb .

Penelope Cruz presents BEST INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM …  I’m Still Here … Brazil

If you’re still enjoying the show you have something called Stockholm Syndrome.

Cillian Murphy … last year’s winner … OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A LEAD ROLE … Adrien Brody—whom I find very hot—The Brutalist … spoke of gratitude and respect and getting along and divisive times and uniting and working together and acting and his parent … in what would have been a good speech if it wasn’t so long that the orchestra attempted to play him off … twice!

Quentin Tarantino … loathsome … full of himself ….obnoxious …. BEST DIRECTOR … Sean Baker, Anora … again … who pleads for people to go to the movies and enjoy film on a big screen

Emma Stone … last year’s winner … OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A LEAD ROLE … Mikey Madison, Anora … I had expected Demi Moore to win since she’d won so many awards this year for The Substance …but Mikey read a nice handwritten looooong speech or her college thesis

Anora’s doing well tonight. It picked up two awards, I guess we’re happy to finally see someone stand up to a Russian.

Meg Ryan, finally settling into her new face, and Billy Crystal, the greatest Oscars host ever … I used to work here … … BEST PICTURE … Anora, Sean Baker—his fourth Oscar of the night, Samantha Quan and Alex Coco … who pleaded for more independent films to be made.

And … it was an okay show, no real drama, some funny bits, no surprise except for Demi Moore losing … all in all, I’d give it a Meh+ … goodnight!