It's Snarkurday!

When you grow up in a family where the entire Klan makes their living off being “reality” show stars, and they all think social media is their own private message board, then how do you handle a spat with one of your sisters?

Well, if you’re Rob Kardastrophe, and you’re pissy at your sister Kylie Jenner, you post her private phone number on Twitter — twice, just to make sure everyone sees it — because you’re a self-indulgent spoiled child who’s biggest claim to fame is a sister with a large ass and your “sock” design empire that went bust a few years back.

And why did Rob go all sixth grade girl on Kylie? Because the family was throwing a baby shower for Rob and his reality show baby mama Blac Chyna, but the family forgot to invite said baby mama.

Of course, the baby shower was set to be filmed for any number of those Kardastrophe reality shows, so, yeah, the drama was just for show, or is it …

It appears that after six minutes of blissful love, during which they spent roughly 14 seconds creating their spawn, Rob and Chyna are over. The loving couple haven’t spoken in months … the “reality” show is on hiatus … and have only been seen together when they had dinner the night their “show” premiered.

The Kardashian-Jenner sisters say they threw a No-Chynas-Allowed shower because Chyna was throwing herself her own Rob-less party because Rob, after having gotten his rocks off in Chyna, is sexting all kinds of other girls in the hopes of having a string of reality shows so he’ll be like the rest of the Klan and never have to work a real job in his entire life.

Lovely, though, that a child will be born onto this mess.

Justin Bieber, for reasons I cannot fathom, has been a famous person for quite a long time, but he’s not really happy about all that fame, of late.

And one thing he dislikes most about his fame are the people who made him famous — I was gonna call them “fans” but every time I type ‘Justin Bieber fans’ I start laughing so hard I can’t write. But Justin is tired of those people who like him; he loathes taking pictures with them; he despises the gifts they send him; he hates the way they act on Twitter. He doesn’t, however, dislike the fact that they pay his bills by buying his crap music and seeing his crap shows. And so, with that in mind, just last weekend, he gave us all a show about how much he hates the people who pay his way through life.

Justin is in Europe for his Purpose World Tour, a tour that is making him tons of money, thanks to his fans, and while he was in Norway, he decided to go for a walkabout with his entourage one Saturday night. A group of fans found their “idol” on the street and tried to get his attention, but Justin was too busy giving them the side-eye, being hustled away from them, and saying, as he disappeared into the night:

“You guys suck.”

Now, thinking your fans suck is one thing, but saying it out loud, in front of them, is all kinds of dumb, unless, well, Justin Bieber fans are kinda dumb and maybe do kinda suck, because after he said this and walked away and refused to acknowledged them, one of the “suckees” said Bieber was just having fun.

You suck; I’m leaving. It’s high-larious!

You know, I sometimes say off-color things, but then I don’t do it on television, in front of millions, and I’m not Marky Mark Wahlberg.

Last week, Wahlberg brought his thirteen-year-old daughter Ella with him to the Dan Patrick Show to promote his new film Deepwater Horizon. Ella was given a microphone and she asked her father to rap a little something, you know, like Marky Mark or something.

Patrick said he’d take a break so Mark could come up with something, but Mark said ‘No’, and then began to humiliate his daughter with some lyrics that, considering his history of assault, might seem a bit odd:

I’m your 45-year-old father and I got to rap

and if you keep misbehaving I’m a give your behind a slap

It’s called a spanking

Later on in life you’re gonna thank me

‘Cause all the advice that I’m giving you is good for you

and if not, your butt and behind is gonna be black and blue.

Mark explained the “child abuse rap” by saying that Ella had lost her phone privileges as punishment and that she had complained that her punishment was worse than her brothers would receive and Mark said this:

“They’d just go throw a ball or bounce their head off the wall and they’d still be happy. You live for the phone, so I got to get you where it counts, kid.”

Okay, so there is some truth to the punishment differing from child to child; my sister was regularly banned from the phone, but that punishment, if given to me, would been like, Okay, no biggie. But, as a man who was once sentenced for assault, maybe he shouldn’t be rapping about giving his daughter a beat-down.

Last August, Criminal Minds actor Thomas Gibson was fired for ALLEGEDLY kicking show writer Virgil Williams during a spat, and now Gibson is telling his side … and says it was just an accident.

Thomas says that on the evening of the incident he had an issue with one of his character’s line — he felt it “contradicted an earlier line” — and he told Williams about his concerns, but says Williams wasn’t having it:

“He came into that room and started coming towards me. As he brushed past me, my foot came up and tapped him on the leg. If I hadn’t moved, he would have run into me. We had some choice words, for which I apologized the next day, and that was it. It was over. We shot the scene, I went home — and I never got to go back.”

Um, Thomas? I don’t think you get fired because, as someone passed you, your leg tapped them, okurrrrr?

Settle, please, and admit you’re a spoiled child who didn’t get to play on the jungle gym at recess and so you kicked someone in the shin and ran off.

Apparently Russian television station Channel One is made of money because they actually paid Lindsay Lohan roughly $800,000 for an interview. That’s a lot of water bottles filled with Vodka, no?

Lohan appeared on Russian TV to talk about what happened this summer with her Russian ex-fiancé Egor Tarabasov, like the screaming fights and the phone tossing and the Russian hookers and the death threats and the breaking down of a door and the attempted strangulation and …

“I feared that Egor may splash acid in my face.”

Huh? This is all kinds of new and the very first time Lohan has ever brought this up, but then she played it like a good little liar, suggesting that she was “lucky to come to Moscow to speak.” But, she does want y’all to know that she didn’t fly to Russia to badmouth her ex-fiancé for the cash — oh hell no, she’d never do that — but that she wanted the world to know the “truth.”

“I wanted to do this interview because it’s time to tell the truth. There have been so many lies printed about me recently. I’ve kept quiet for so long but now I’m scared of what Egor might do to me and to himself.”

Funny, cuz the world never asked for Lohan’s “truth” and we didn’t ask for Egor’s either, but the instant the show aired, he released a statement dragging Lohan through the mud … something she’s quite used to, though:

“It has come to my attention that … Lindsay Lohan is planning a new smear campaign against me …. My relationship with Lindsay came to an end in July 2016 [and] … I decided not to address [the] harmful and false statements at that time. … out of respect for Lindsay. [But] I would like to state that all accusations made ... by Lindsay against me are not true. I refuse to be dragged into the media storm created in the aftermath of our breakup. I will not be making any more statements … but I will use all possible legal means to protect my name and reputation.”

A lawsuit, Egor? That’s the best you got? The Lohan’s live for lawsuits, man. The way to get Lindsay back is to tell the world she’s a terrible actress and really a nobody.

Oh, and call her “firecrotch.”

Back to Bieber and how he hates those people who made him famous. He snubbed them in Norway and then got into a wee brawl with one in Germany.

Apparently, while getting drunk in a club, Justin accidentally bumped shoulders with a guy who had ALLEGEDLY been trying to get Bieber’s attention all night; seriously … the guy must have been wasted!

Well, Justin, after the bump, was all like, “I’m’a star, loser,” and so the guy tried to slap Bieber and then grabbed at his shirt, and since Garanimals don’t come cheap, Justin was pissed!

He tried to fight back but really it was kinda slappy hands on both sides until Justin’s business partner John Shahidi broke it up by holding something shiny up in Bieber’s face. And then he was taken back to the hotel and put down for the night.

So, sadly, Jim Carrey’s ex-girlfriend, Cathriona White, committed suicide after their break-up and now her estranged husband Mark Burton has filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Carrey.

In it, he ALLEGES that Jim supplied three of the four prescription medications Cathriona used to kill herself last year; he also accused Carrey of monitoring Cathriona’s movements with remote surveillance cameras.

For his part, Carrey says Burton is suing because he wants the coins — and it does seem that way — but then Burton countered with more accusations against Carrey, like … in addition to all the pills Carrey gave her, he also gave Cathriona three different STDs.

Mark’s information comes from a handwritten letter ALLEGEDLY written by Cathriona that states Jim Carrey gave Cathriona herpes simplex 1, herpes simplex 2, and gonorrhea. The letter also ALLEGES that Carrey lied about giving Cathriona herpes and gonorrhea and dumped her as soon as he found out, ALLEGEDLY calling her “a whore“, an “ungrateful bitch“, and “an opportunist”.

Mark then released a series of text messages ALLEGEDLY sent between Jim and Cathriona in January 2013 where Cathriona informs him she has “bumps” down there and Carrey asks that she “hurry up” and sign some sort of an “agreement.” When Cathriona let Jim know she didn’t feel “comfortable” signing it, Jim ALLEGEDLY responded that he was “done” and that she had become “too much drama.”

Naturally, Carrey’s lawyer, Marty Singer, says Mark’s claims are “despicable bogus” and questions why Cathriona continued to see Carrey long after the ALLEGED texts were sent.

Still, there’s something there, and one of the weirdest would be exactly what kind of agreement was Carrey asking Cathriona to sign?

An STD pre-nup?

Despite the hit TV film Sharnado, and its unending sequels, Tara Reid is having a rough couple of months; sadly, though, that’s really nothing new for Reid.

Last summer, she got into a radio spat with fellow bimbo Jenny McCarthy and is now catching all sorts of heat for her recent, dramatic, weight loss. She also came under fire for creating a fake relationship with a man so she could get on a reality show and make some coins — Sharknado money isn’t great money.

And then she took to Instagram to promote her latest “film” the direct to cell-phone epic, Worthless, and apparently spent do much time working that angle that, while waiting for a plane to whisk her from NYC to LA she got “stuck” in an airport bar and missed her flight.

Reid was seen at Jack Duggan’s Pub inside Philadelphia International Airport and a witness — possibly Jenny McCarthy getting her roots touched up at the airport — says:

“Tara was beyond tipsy … [and] …was sharing an egg sandwich with an air traveler.”

Her people — and how does Tara Reid have people — says the actress … I giggle at that … was “exhausted from filming [and] missed her flight and got on the next one. She wasn’t tipsy but extremely tired from filming.”

Was that “exhaustion” on the rocks with a twist, or was it served “straight up”?

Miley Cyrus likes to think of herself, not as a hillbilly singer and media whore but as an “artist” and she will not suffer fools like Mariah Carey thinking they, too, are musical geniuses.

In an interview with Elle magazine, where she said she would no longer walk the red carpet at industry events because people are hungry — how she got from red carpet to starvation is beyond me — Cyrus also dished Mimi.

See, on an episode of The Voice, where she is … I giggle … a judge, Miley told a contestant that not everyone can be Mariah Carey and Elle asked what she meant by that:

“I’ve never really been a fan, because it’s so much about Mariah Carey. That’s part of her shtick; I can see through that. That’s part of what makes her a gay icon; like, it’s about Mimi! It’s about what she’s wearing, and it’s about her. What I make isn’t about me. It’s about sharing my story; it’s about someone being connected to what I’m saying.”

Huh; then please to explain the denim hillbilly leisure suit studded with giant pink flowers that you wore on The Voice … or even the time you appeared wearing suspenders covering your nipples. And the Twerking and the stupid tongue-out-your-mouth poses and the All About Miley social media posts.

Miley, honey, you are Mariah Carey, you’re just a low-rent version of her. And she ain’t even high class to begin with …

It's Snarkurday!

So … Lindsay Lohan and Egor Tarabasov: The Drama Continues.

On one hand, Lindsay says they’re over, and on the other hand, the one holding the bottle of “water,” she says she loves him. But that didn’t stop her from running to the press the stories of abuse she took at the hands of Egor.

Lohan says the first assault took place when they were vacationing in Mykonos for her 30th birthday; thirty? Bitch looks sixty if she looks a day. Anyway … the trip turned violent when Lindsay grabbed Egor’s phone, looked through it and then tossed it into the sea. At that point, Egor broke Lohan Commandment #1 — Thou Shalt Not Waste Alcohol — by pouring a drink on her head.

Then came Assault Two: last month, when Egor and Lindsay returned to London — wasn’t she supposed to be removed after the Brexit vote — she again accused him of assaulting her and trying to kill her … after unleashing a social media hissy fit recounting every sordid detail of their night out and his tryst with a Russian hooker — as opposed to his tryst with an American Hooker In London.

Lohan contacted the Daily Mail to sell, er, tell, her story and she plays it like this:

The Mykonos assault: 

“Egor drank too much and he went crazy.”

Pot.Kettle. … ooh Ketel One!

The London assault: 

“Egor and I had been out for dinner. We danced, it was fun. When we got home I went to bed and Egor went out. A few hours later he came back and when I woke up he was standing over me. He wasn’t himself, he was being very aggressive and he attacked me.”

Huh? Is that what really happened, Lindsay, because that’s not at all how you said it played out — in real time —all over Twitter and Snapchat and Instagram.

Take a seat Lohan and scroll back through your social media web of lies and then try to get your facts straight before you sell, er, tell … I kid, it’s ‘sell’ … your story to the press.

Last week, Orlando Bloom went paddle-boarding while vacationing with professional girlfriend Katy Perry.

Katy kept her clothes on … thank goddess … but Orlando decided to let Little Orlando out for some air and paddle-boarded in the nude because that’s what you do; oh, then he scaled some rocks in the nude, walked the beach in the nude, and grabbed his nude junk.

Remember back in the day when Paris, Britney and Lindsay all tried to outdo each other by being photographed getting out of cars or onto yachts spread eagle with no drawers on their ladybits? Well, I guess the Boys Showing Their Junk is the new Starlets Not Wearing Underwear;

See, after Orlando showed off his short-comings, Justin Bieber — who is the Lohan to Bloom’s Paris Hilton — decided to drop his Pampers for the paparazzi while he was on the beach.

But this was more than just a Dick-Off; this was Justin going after Orlando again because, if you recall, there were rumors that Bieber and Mrs. Orlando Bloom, Miranda Kerr, did the nasty; and then Orlando went after  Bieber’s ex, Selena Gomez, and they, too, did the nasty.

Now Bieber and Bloom are giving us all their nasty and no one, no one, asked for it.

Usually the snark is filled with Cat Fights between two starlets or wannabe starlets but this week’s cat fight is between … The Rock, Dwayne Johnson, and The Diesel, er, Vin Diesel.

One day, The Rock, after filming the Fast & Furious 67, said how much he loved working on the film and loved every second with his female costars. But then he talked about his “candy ass” male costars:

“Some conduct themselves as stand up men and true professionals, while others don’t. The ones that don’t are too chicken sh-t to do anything about it anyway. Candy asses.” 

At first people thought he was dissing Scott Eastwood, because Scott does come off a little candy ass frat boy but, no, Scott was not the candy ass in question. And The Rock’s comments did not go over too well on-set, and everyone was “getting hounded by people who want to know who Rock was putting on blast.” Some said Johnson was “out of line to talk crap” even though there have been “conflicts” on-set due to “extreme egos” among the “top actors.” 

Top actors? Now that’s funny. But what’s funnier is that Johnson was calling candy ass on Vin Diesel because, shortly after The Rock ranted, Vin cried, and the two men were called to the principal’s office, er, movie set, to hash things out.

The Rock claims that Diesel — though he won’t say his name—was not a stand-up guy and was too “chicken s***” to confront him, but maybe it’s because Vin Diesel, a producer in this 132nd sequel to the franchise, made decisions that didn’t sit well with the former wrestling champ.

Seriously, these two fools should Bieber-Bloom the situation and see who really is the bigger man and then sit down. And stop with the Fast and the Furious movies; seriously. It’s enough.

Oh Amber and Johnny. You two former lovebirds now loathe each other and want to be rid of one another — she says he’s a druggie and a drunkard and he claims she’s a cheating lesbian gold-digger — and yet they continue to let their battles rage.

Amber was supposed to be deposed by Johnny Depp’s lawyers last weekend, but it never happened. And the story goes that Amber sat and waited in a hallway for 10 hours as the lawyers tried to work out a settlement to avoid going to trial.  And that didn’t happen either because Amber’s lawyers say she was ready to answer questions but Johnny’s lawyers never called her.

But Johnny’s lawyers are, of course, calling B.S. on Amber’s version; they say Amber Heard is the reason Amber Heard’s deposition didn’t happen because, when she was asked to go into the conference room to begin the deposition she refused; she was asked again at 5:30 — three hours later — and again she said, “Not gonna happen.”  Depp’s team says Amber sat outside and yelled and screamed like a lunatic who wants her coins but wouldn’t talk about anything.

Seriously. The marriage is over; you two fools keep dragging one another through the mud — though, looking at Johnny he always appears dragged through the mud — why not just cut the cord. Or, perhaps the attention is what you’re selling since one of you doesn’t really have a career and the other’s career seems to be flailing.

There should be a class in why one should never appear on a reality show, and why one should never get involved with a Kardastrophe.

Last year, the untalented one in the Kardastrophe Klan — I kid …. “one” — Kylie Jenner’s “rapper” boyfriend Tyga ALLEGEDLY bought her a very expensive car for her birthday; it turned out he just tried to give her his ex-girlfriend’s car. So, this year Tyga tried the new car trick again and it ended up with the LAPD issuing a bench warrant for Tyga’s immediate arrest.

The warrant was issued after Tyga failed to show up to court today in the case where he stiffed a landlord on his rent and then claimed he was broke; trouble was, he went all over social media and “reality” TV giving Kylie a $190,000 car for her birthday.  Not bad for a broke dude who owes his landlord half a million in unpaid rent.

I cannot wait for the Very Special Episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes when Kylie’s car get repo’d.

You don’t think of Coldplay as drama, you think of Coldplay as elevator music. But maybe that’s not quite right …

Coldplay played a show at The Stephen Talkhouse in the Hamptons last weekend and the place was filled with regulars who won a contest to hear Coldplay — this is what they got for winning? — and famous media whores like Swifty Bestie, Karlie Kloss, the unconsciously uncoupled Goopy Paltrow, Sarah Jessica Parker, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, Christie Brinkley, Jimmy Buffet, Harvey Weinstein, Calvin Klein, Jon Bon Jovi and “reality show star” Bethenny Frankel.

Maybe Bethenny thought she was filming an episode of RHoNY and was set to catfight Ramona or Luann or Jules or Dorinda or … or … because she ALLEGEDLY caused a scene by throwing a cocktail at some girls who annoyed her.

A source — and it’s definitely Luann — says Bethenny got messier than usual when three women blocked her view of the stage and refused to move. The source says Bethenny screamed at them, tried to pay a security guard to force them to move, and then bought a drink and threw it at them. Now, that reeks of a lie because I doubt Bethenny ever actually pays for a drink. Another source, close to Bethenny — her assistant, um, “Stethenny” — says security guards told the women to sit down and that Bethenny only threw water on them. But, a different source — possibly Ramona, drunk on Pinot Grigio — says that one of the women doused with “water” was Lisa Pevaroff-Cohn, wife of Gary Cohn, president and COO of Goldman-Sachs.

I sense Bethenny’s investments going way south though the bigger story here is that Coldplay was able fill an entire bar with people who wanted to hear them play.

Now that’s crazy.

So, in the Candy Ass Game of He Said/He Said … now it’s Vin Diesel’s turn to say … or not.

It was supposed to be all over because the two big men apologized to one another and got their lace panties out of their snit, but then Vin went home was all, like, “No, I’m a mean girl and I’m goin’ on the interwebz.”

And so Vin curled up in bed and filmed an Instagram video to say his piece … or not …

He kinda smacked The Rock by saying he was gonna tell ev-er-y-thing … and then he didn’t; here’s what he said, and, if you like, read it in a whispery girl’s voice because that’s how Vin said it:

“After being on set since literally Christmas, to finally finally finally come home and to learn that little Pauline learned a new word? I’m going to have to share it with you … Her new word kind of describes my spirit and my soul, and most people who stay positive. The new word is happy. When I heard her say happy, I just lit up in ways I can’t even describe. Gimme a second and I will tell you everything. E-ver-y-thing.”

Yeah, he won’t tell everything because word has it that everyone else on the Fast and Furious Pt. 253 love The Rock and so they all want him back and if Vin knows anything he knows he doesn’t have a career with Fast and Furious so, yeah, everything my ass.

Nobody watches Criminal Minds and yet it’s been on TV for about thirty years. So I guess that’s why one of its “stars”, Thomas Gibson, decided to stir up his own publicity for the show no one watches.

CBS put Thomas Gibson on suspension for at least one episode — maybe two …ooh, bad boy — because he got into a fight with Virgil Williams, one of the producers, and … kicked him.

Yes, grown-ass Thomas Gibson solves disputes like a 5-year-old … a socially inept 5-year-old. And still, no one will watch this show.