I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

There’s nothing like a celebrity barfing up a forty-year-old story to get some fresh publicity. And I’m looking at you Brooke Shields.

We get into the Way Back Machine and head to 1980, when people lost their shiz at 15-year-old Brooke Shields’ Calvin Klein’s ad where she says:

“You want to know the only thing that comes between me and my Calvin’s? Nothing.”

It’s nothing compared to what we see today, but forty-one years ago it was escandalo! And so, to mark that four decades old mess, Brooke appeared on Dax Shepard’s Armchair Expert podcast and talked about a 1980 interview she did with Barbara Walters that she now calls … wait for it … “practically criminal” because Babs asked what her measurements were and if she was a virgin.

Call CPS! STAT! Except … five years earlier Brooke’s mother, Teri Shields, offered up her 10-year-old daughter, fully nude, dolled up and slathered in grease, as the subject of photos for a Playboy publication called Sugar and Spice so questions of virginity and measurements couldn’t have been that criminal.

Not like a mother having her prepubescent child pose nude. Take it down a notch, Brooke.

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Sarah Ferguson, AKA The Duchess of York, is back once again with another chapter for her ongoing life struggles in which she claims that she is “the most persecuted woman in the Royal Family.”

Oh, it didn’t just happen; The OG Fergie says she has been shunned and persecuted since she and her husband Andrew—with his own set of scandals—split up in 1992 and divorced in 1996. It’s like she’s pulling a Brooke Shields, dredging up decades old stories for some fresh publicity,

Referring to the negative media coverage she received following her separation from Prince Andrew, she says:

“I was maybe the most persecuted woman in the history of the royal family, but I’m still here.”

Now, she may have been the most dragged royal, but persecuted? Walk a minute in Diana’s shoes, hon, who was called insane and crazy by the royal family machine during her separation and divorce and was then hounded literally to death by the press.

Take a seat, Sarah. We’ll call you when wanna suck toes.

Google it.

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Now, onto to George Clooney, trying to prove he’s just like the rest of us.

Clooney did an interview with the Guardian to promote his new movie, The Tender Bar, and discussed fame, raising his twins during the pandemic, politics, his childhood, and the fact that he turned down $35 million for one day’s work in an airline commercial:

“Well, yeah. I was offered $35m for one day’s work for an airline commercial, but I talked to Amal [Clooney, the human rights lawyer he married in 2014] about it and we decided it’s not worth it. It was [associated with] a country that, although it’s an ally, is questionable at times, and so I thought: ‘Well, if it takes a minute’s sleep away from me, it’s not worth it.’”

Get a good night’s sleep, George. We remember the $30 million paycheck you got for those Nespresso commercials.

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Last week we discussed Madonna’s thirsty nipple and ass Instagram photos, and this week we discuss her attack on 50 Cent—whom she accused of “pretending” to be her friend—after he “talked smack” about those photos, posting to his social media:

“yo this is the funniest shit LOL. That’s Madonna under the bed trying to do like a virgin at 63. She shot out, if she don’t get her old ass up.”

And Madonna, never one to revert back to being a teenaged girl, posted a picture of she and Fiddy posing together on the red carpet saying.

“Here is 50 Cent pretending to be my friend. Now you have decided to talk smack about me. I guess your new career is getting attention by trying to humiliate others on social media. The least elevated choice you could make as an artist and an adult.”

And then she proves what a thirsty child she is by adding:

“You’r [sic] just jealous you won’t look as good as me or have as much fun when you are my age.”

I was kinda hoping for:

I’m rubber, you’r [sic] glue, whatever you say bounces on me and sticks to you.

But hers was enough because 50 Cent apologized, and the playground is safe again for the children.

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Y’all remember that Khloé Kardastrophe got together with athlete Tristan Thompson when he dumped his pregnant girlfriend to be with Khloé, only to dump Khloé for a hot minute when she got pregnant, and then they got back together because dumping pregnant Khloé is okay with Khloé? Remember that?

Well, it’s still going on because Thompson has knocked up another girl while he and Khloe were are were together, and Tristan is suggesting the woman is trying to extort money from him.

Um, no, Tristan, it’s called Child Support, and it’s what men have to pay because they can’t keep their dicks in their pants.

PS Tristan ALLEGEDLY tried to give this newest Baby Mama $75,000 if she dropped her paternity suit, which is something all men do when the baby in question isn’t theirs.

Keep.It.In.Your.Pants. If you can’t use a condom, dumbass.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

When last we left Erika Jayne, of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and her soon-to-be ex-husband, Tom Girardi, we were learning that Girardi is nearly broke and ALLEGEDLY embezzled millions from his firm to keep Erika in ugly couture and ridiculous weaves. Rumors also flew that the divorce was just a sham so they could hide their coins and still be rich rich rich.

But now it looks like Erika wants to put the kibosh on those embezzler stories—at least she’s concerned—and has come out saying that Girardi has been cheating on her for years, and even spilled the name of one of his sidepieces.

Erika is now saying she filed for divorce because, after 21 years of marriage—and ALLEGEDLY all during their marriage—Tom was cheating on her. And she brought receipts to prove it, when she posted, then deleted, text messages between Tom and his ALLEGED mistress, Justice Tricia A. Bigelow, and wrote on Instagram:

“This is Justice Tricia A. Bigelow. She was fucking my husband Tom Girardi and he was paying her Saks bill and paying for her plastic surgery.”

Damn, Tom; he was set to pay Erika’s Saks bill and for her plastic surgery. And Erika posted screenshots of their texts between one another:

“Tonight was fantastic. Really. But it would be a whole lot better if I were fucking you.”

“Miss you babe. Makeup sex?”

And there’s a text where Tricia asks Tom to pay Dr. David Matlock for her plastic surgery or she’ll “ask my new boyfriend to pay if it’s a problem. He’s got big dough.”

Sounds damaging, but internet sleuths have noted a couple of oddities; based on the dates and that 3G phone, the texts are either from 2005-2006 or 2015-2016. And then there’s the ALLEGATIONS that Erika and Tom had an open marriage, so she’s known for a while about Tricia, just like Tom has known about her ALLEGED affair with Scooter Braun.

But most odd of all is that, for some reason, Erika then posted a video of her face superimposed over Daenerys from Game Of Thrones and the internet dragged her:

“Should you be making these videos right now?”

“Baby what is you doin.”

“You should probably stop posting for a while. It’s kind of shocking that no one has advised you to at this point.”

“This whole thing is…. embarrassing. Can we get Olivia Pope?”

I’m not sure where Erika goes after all this but judging from Tricia’s threat to Tom, maybe she should look up Tricia’s old boyfriend because he’s “got big dough”.

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Earlier this month, a 34-year-old woman, who can’t be publicly named for legal reasons, filed a claim in court saying that she and Prince Albert of Monaco had a “passionate affair” in 2015 that led to her having his child.

The woman, who is Brazilian but lives in Italy, says that Albert took her on trips all over the world from France to the US to Russia, where she met Vladimir Putin. The woman’s daughter is now 15 years old and the girl has reportedly reached out to Prince Albert several times including this past September when she sent him a note that read: 

“I don’t understand why I grew up without a father, and now that I have found you, you don’t want to see me.”

Albert has repeatedly ignored the girl, so her mother went the legal route and now wants him to take a DNA test. Prince Albert and his legal team deny the woman’s ALLEGATIONS, but he is no stranger to paternity suits. In 1992, Tamara Rotolo claimed that Albert knocked her up, but he denied it until a DNA test … given by Daddy DNA, Maury Povich … said:

“You are the father.”

In 2005, Nicole Coste ALLEGED that Albert left her with child, too, and while he again denied that ALLEGATION, the truth came out:

“You are the father.”

Sure looks like Albert likes to spread his DNA around.

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It must be a slow gossip week when Connie Chung makes the cut, but here we are.  It seems that Chung is dishing the dirt about lots of people, from Dan Rather to Barbara Walters to Hugh Grant.

Chung says Rather, was what she called “Texas nice” to her face but not so much behind her back, saying Rather has been described as being a person who “has very sharp elbows” as in:

“Maybe, if I turned my back, you know, I felt like I might be in a scene of Psycho in the shower.”

Chung parted ways with CBS; it was rumored she wasn’t a good fit because she was “too tabloid” which might have meant her marriage to the above-mentioned Maury Povich. She ended up at ABC with Walters and Sawyer, whom Chung says actively tried to sabotage her success:

“When I got to ABC News, I joined with both Barbara Walters and Diane Sawyer there and I thought, ‘Oh, this is going to be great. It’ll be three women who get along.’ So naive and stupid. I was always playing a game of Whac-A-Mole. I’d pop my head out, and one of them would have a hammer, and whack—put me down, back in my little hole.”

She says Barbara and Diane competed for huge stories and interviews, and that whenever Connie tried to get one, she was told that they were for Barbara and Diane only and that she should “stand down.”

And she also had to stand down when it came to Bryant Gumbel, or men at all:

“I didn’t have a very good experience with a lot of male co-anchors, because they suffer from something called bigshot-itis, and it’s sort of delusions of grandeur and sort of narcissistic behavior and a feeling of inability to stop talking.”

Um, Connie? Stop talking. But she doesn’t … she was asked if Gumbel—with whom Chung sometimes co-hosted “Today” as a sub for Jane Pauley—suffered from the condition, she replied:

“I would say so. I’d be sitting beside him, but I was invisible.”

And then she comes for Hugh Grant, with whom she filmed a cameo for the HBO series The Undoing. She ALLEGES Grant was an asshole who acted like he didn’t know who she was, despite her interviewing him previously.

Sounds like Connie thought very highly of herself while most others did not. Also sounds like she was being interviewed by Maury for the one show a year he does that isn’t about DNA tests.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

They say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Just ask actor Logan Marshall-Green who was basically outed by his now estranged wife Diane Gaeta on Instagram as being a cheater.

Logan, who had roles in 24, The O.C., and Spider-Man: Homecoming, and Diane, who was on one episode of the 90210 reboot, have been married since 2012l but last week Diane filed for divorce, and publicly names her soon-to-be-ex-husband’s ALLEGED mistress, “Flesh and Bone” actress and ballerina, Sarah Hay, out on Instagram at the same time when she posted:

“I filed for divorce today. People aren’t always what they seem and to every woman out there: always trust your gut. Beware of the faux woman champion [because] those girls don’t care about sleeping with a married father of two. Peace and Love, thanks for letting me share.”

You gotta hand it to Diane, who has turned Instagram into the new tossing your husband’s clothes out the window and setting them on fire method of announcing your divorce from an adulterer.

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Continuing with Cheaters and divorce for $200, Alex ... if you the one person out there who doesn’t believe that Lauren Sanchez and Jeff ‘Amazon’ Bezos were cheating on their spouses with one another, think on this: the day after  Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos’s divorce was final, Lauren Sanchez waltzed into a courthouse and filed for divorce from her husband of 13 years, Hollywood agent Patrick Whitesell.

And it appears that just like Jeff and Mackenzie’s divorce, Lauren and Patrick have also hammered out the details ahead of filing so everyone can keep hold of as much money as possible and no one gets their name dragged through the mud like a cheating spouse … Jeff and Lauren.

And while Mackenzie Bezos, for some reason, did not get 50% of the Bezos fortune, she will walk away with about $36 billion dollars. Lauren, though, made out like a bandit, because she and her husband were only worth about $440 million, or the exact amount of lose change you can find in a Bezos’s couch.

Lauren traded up; way up ... at least in the coins department..

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Recently we talked about the ALLEGED crush ex-Viewer Rosie O’Donnell had on good Christian girl Elisabeth Hasselbeck; this week we discuss the good Christian girl and her penchant for dropping a F-bomb and storming off the set.

In August 2006, the ladies of The View were having a discussion about the morning after pill, and the FDA proposal to allow pill over the counter, which Elisabeth attacked by suggesting that plan would be  the “same thing as birthing a baby and leaving it out in the street.” And when the other women wanted to opine on the topic, Elisabeth wasn’t hassel-having it. And that’s when Barbara Walters silenced her by saying:

“Could you stop now? … We have to go on and we have to learn how to discuss these things in some sort of rational way.”

And Elisabeth went hassel-crazy, ripping up her cards and storming off the set shouting:

“Fuck that! I’m not going to sit there and get reprimanded on the air. It’s not ok to sit there and get reprimanded on the air!”

Joy Behar, who was with Elisabeth, tried to calm her down but Elisabeth not having it:

“What the fuck! I don’t even swear. She has me swearing. This woman is driving me nuts. I’m not going back. I can’t do the show like this. She just reprimanded me, and she knew exactly what she was doing. Good-bye! I’m off. Write about that in the New York FUCKING Post!”

Elisabeth ran to her dressing room and someone sent word to Barbara that Hasselbeck had quit; Barbara was not amused:

“Well, that’s ridiculous.”

She summoned Elisabeth back to the set and executive producer, Bill Geddes, went searching for the angry blonde, begging her to finish the episode:

“You have to go on because you’re a pro, so come with me.”

Elisabeth did return and Barbara opened from commercial with a sweet half hug around Elisabeth which made it seem like they spent the break coming to a beautiful resolution on their differing opinions and one of them hadn’t lost their shit backstage.

And dropped a series of not-so-Christ-like F-bombs.

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Continuing the theme of crazy, let’s pay a visit to Lindsay Lohan. While she has had her fair share of enemies and frenemies—I’m thinking both Paris Hilton and me—the newest target of Lohan Loathing is one Lea Michele.

But Lindsay? Why so mad? Ariel? The Little Mermaid? Yes, Lindsay is apparently seething that Lea Michele will be playing Ariel in the Hollywood Bowl’s 30th anniversary concert of The Little Mermaid next month., alongside Harvey Fierstein as Ursula, Ken Page as Sebastian, Peter Gallagher as King Triton and Leo Gallo as Prince Eric.

This was a shock to Lindsay, who has been gunning for the role for years, even taking to dying her hair red and posing as Ariel for Instagram …because that’s how you audition when you’re Lindsay Lohan and so self-respecting producer would actually set up a meeting with you.

But still, Linds, relax. This isn’t the live-action version, it’s just a concert and you :::cough cough::: still have a chance.

Though dying your hair blond to look like a Russian hooker might not be the right way to go.

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And now for something really scary … Kim Kardastrophe, Attorney at Law.

You laugh; you scoff; you sneer; you throw up a little in your mouth. But it could happen, it may happen, dear god it might happen.

After Kimmy went to visit _____with her tits and ass out, to discuss pardoning non-violent criminals who are serving crazy sentences, she now says she wants to be a lawyer. And to make that happen, she started a four-year apprenticeship with a law firm in San Francisco last summer and is planning to take the bar in 2020.

Now, before you get riled up and talk about what an actual idiot Kim Kardastrophe is, because, while she never went to college, she does have a degree in Porn Film 101, a Bachelors  in Fame Whoring, and a Masters in Photoshopping Her Ass For Social Media, none of that matters, because California is one in four states where you don’t have to go to college to be a lawyer. You just must apprentice with a lawyer or a judge.

Kim is going to take something called the “Baby Bar”—seriously California—in a few months. The Baby Bar is a real thing and not just a place where Kimmy dumps off her kids when she has more important things to do; it’s an actual test that California law students at unaccredited schools must pass in order to complete their studies and take the real Bar Exam.

So, gird your loins, one day soon, in addition to RBG, we may have KKW …unless she spots something shiny first and forgets what she was doing.

PS That’s her lawyer drag up there.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Jonathan Groff, on what it’s like to shoot a gay sex scene:

“So, when you first get there and you take off the robes and you’re in your weird little dick sock and your anal cover, there’s usually some, like, laughter, and then we sort of talk about what is happening in the scene. And we sort of do a rehearsal with our shorts on or whatever. And then we do it. I find [sex scenes] really fun and enjoyable and funny and weird and hilarious and a great opportunity to share a lot about characters. And there’s no words, so it’s an interesting thing to act. But I’ve never done a sex scene with someone who smells bad or I didn’t like something about them. That would be terrible. That’s the benefit I’ve had. I’ve never done a sex scene with someone that has not been so respectful and great about smelling fine and making it as palatable as possible.”

I could barely get beyond “anal cover” and so I’ll leave it at that.

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Burt Reynolds, promoting his new memoir, on Charlie Sheen and his HIV status:

“He’s handled it badly, I think. His father is a very, very decent man and a dear friend of mine. I feel bad for him but Charlie, I don’t feel bad for him. He’s getting what he deserves. If you’re going to misbehave like that, they’re going to get you. He misbehaved badly. Very badly. But you know, when you’re that age, it’s tough. All those things are coming at you and it’s difficult.”

Funny. I remember back in the day when the rumor mills swirled that playboy Burt had AIDS and he said he was afraid the rumor would ruin his career.

You’d think he’d know better, but maybe his toupee is too tight or maybe he’s just an assh*le.

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Caitlyn Jenner, on looking like a “man in a dress”:

“One thing that has always been important for me, and it may seem very self-absorbed or whatever, is first of all your presentation of who you are. I think it’s much easier for a trans woman or a trans man who authentically kind of looks and plays the role. So what I call my presentation. I try to take that seriously. I think it puts people at ease. If you’re out there and, to be honest with you, if you look like a man in a dress, it makes people uncomfortable. So the first thing I can do is try to present myself well. I want to dress well. I want to look good. When I go out, as Kim says, you’ve got to rock it because the paparazzi will be there.”

I understand she’s new to this, and she’s still transitioning, but does she have to transition from one kind of an asshat to another kind of asshat.

Caitlyn looks like Caitlyn, and she should accept that, but she also needs to know that other people, trans or otherwise, look like themselves. Maybe she should transition into accepting all people as they are?

To be fair, she has, once again, apologized for putting her foot in her mouth, but I still wish she'd think before she speaks.

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Janine Turner, former Northern Exposure actress and current has-been wingnut, on how Darth Vader’s costume was black because Star Wars movies were based on the Bible:

“Regarding Darth Vader, please! The Bible talks darkness and light. This is about evil and good. Darkness and light. This doesn’t have anything to do with anything else, this goes back to biblical times. It’s been discussed in the Bible, Jesus talks about it. It’s about darkness and light, evil and good.”

I guess this is what happens to actresses who cannot get a job after being on a hit show?

Siddown Janine, sometimes a movie is just a movie, and not about the Bible at all.

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Barbara Walters, while interviewing Bradley Cooper for her 10 Most Fascinating People of 2015 special:

“I could just sit and stare at you but that would take too much time, but I, I find you very screwable.”

Grandma needs a nap.

I remember when Walters was considered a serious journalist, interviewing all kinds of heads of state, and now the eighty-six-year-old is reduced to tired come-ons to forty-year-old men, young enough to be her grandson.

Don't get me wrong, Cooper is screwable, but for Walters to say that ... ew.

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It's Snarkurday!

Color me surprised … I kid, I’m not the least bit surprised … but Jennifer Lopez and her decades younger boy-toy Casper Smart are back together following their “breakup” last year.

Except they never really broke up; Casper has been around JLo this whole time, but she played the “just friends” card because she had a movie, The Boy Next Door, to promote, and it would look better if she was a cougar on the prowl rather than a cougar with her plaything.

So, she pretended to be dating, er, hooking up, with her Boy Next Door co-star Ryan Guzman to help sell tickets, but that didn’t work; the movie bombed; Guzman and Lopez are never seen again; she’s back with Casper.

Must be nice to be the boy-toy of the superstar who keeps you in hiding while she pretends to date someone else so people will go see her movie and then when it tanks she starts showing up with you again.

That’s love, JLo style.

Little Tommy Cruise always makes a point of the fact that he does all his own stunts because he’s totally fit and heroic and so manly and so butch. But, I kinda wonder, with so many millions on the line — his big budget retreads cost big bucks and he makes big bucks doing them — why a movie studio would let their star risk his life in such a way?

Well, apparently they do it because if they don’t let Tommy hang from the side of a building he throws a pissy fit.

And it’s his BFF and Mission Impossible stunt coordinator Wade Eastman who spills the beans:

“He stomps his feet and fights for it and tells [the studio] that basically if they don’t [let him], he’s not going to do the movie. When he wants to do something cool, he’ll fight to the death in order to do it.”

Funny, though, when I think ‘fight to the death’ I don’t think of a diminutive movie star with a giant ego teetering on his lifts. I mean, if Cruise ever fell off his shoes that would really be dangerous.

It’s no secret that The View is on its last legs. I mean, the show started going downhill with the hiring of Sherri ‘The Earth Is Flat’ Shepard, and continued with the departure of Joy Behar and the addition of Jenny ‘Vaccine Denier’ McCarthy.

But the killer is that Jenny’s husband, Donnie Wahlberg says that View producers wanted her back on the show after Rosie flew the coop:

“She’s very gracious about ‘The View’ and I told her the day that she left, I said they’re going to ask you back within six months. She won’t say it, but they did. Not officially, but they did.”

“Not officially,” means that Jenny and Donnie are making this up out of whole cloth just to keep their names in the press. The View wouldn’t ask McCarthy back because she was a complete and utter moron, making faces at the camera, while there.

Yeah, they’d want that back. Child, please, they aren’t that desperate.

More View? Well, Barbara Walters is officially insane. I know, it seems like she’s been insane for a lotta years but now, well, we need a rubber room for Grandma.

Apparently Babs, seeing her baby, The View, crashing and burning nearly every week with hosts in, and hosts out, and hosts fighting, says she has the solution to the problem: Monica Lewinsky.

A network source — and it ain’t Lohan because she hasn’t got a job right now — says:

“Barbara believes that Monica could make ‘The View’ competitive and compelling, and while a lot of Washington’s elite may scratch the show off its must-visit press list, the younger demographic of online users would tune in daily to see what she had to say.”

The good news is that no matter how crazy Babs acts, and no matter what kinda crazy falls from her lips, she has no say in the matter; she sold rights to the show back to ABC a year before she retired, so this really means nothing.

Except that Crazy Baba Wawa actually thought having to listen to Monica Lewinsky play the Twenty-Year-Old-Victim-Card five days a week was a good idea.

Crawl back into the crypt, Babs, we’ll wake you when something really important happens on The View … which will be never.

Remember when Vanilla Ice, AKA Robert Van Winkle, was arrested for breaking into a Florida home and stealing anything that wasn’t nailed down so he could use them in a house he was remodeling?

And remember when he said the whole thing was a joke … a misunderstanding … and would all be cleared up because he’s innocent?

Yeah, not so much. This week Ice, or do we call him Vanilla, accepted a plea deal to perform community service and a fine for his crime.

Wow. I though “Ice Ice Baby” was the moist embarrassing thing he could ever do … but apparently there’s a sub-basement to his humiliation which includes being busted for stealing pool filters and bicycles.

I like when porn stars stick together …

Apparently Paris Hilton, during a recent interview with Yahoo! Style — which begs the question, why is anyone interested in interviewing Paris Hilton — was asked if she thought her career … career? … paved the way for Kim Kardastrophe and what she thought about the idea that the Kardastrophes wouldn’t be around were it not for Paris Hilton. And she said:

“We’ve known each other since we were little girls. We’ve always been friends. It’s nice to inspire people. So yeah, I’m really proud of her and what she’s done.”

Inspire people? To what? Lay flat on their back, point their heels toward Jesus and get screwed, literally, on film, and then become a household name?

How inspiring. Porn stars sticking together.

Random Musings

Up in Vermont, Bo Muller-Moore picked a fight with anti-gay fast-food chain Chick-fil-A over the use of the phrase "eat more kale" … similar to their trademarked "eat mor chikin" … and this week he won his legal battle after the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office granted his application to trademark his phrase.

"I've called Chick-fil-A's bluff on their cease-and-desist demands. I am not ceasing and desisting. I am thriving, thanks to people like you and thanks to Vermont and people from beyond." — Bo Muller-Moore

Muller-Moore started using the phrase in 2001 after a farmer who grows kale — known for its nutritional value — asked him to make three T-shirts for his family; the phrase caught on and, with the approval of the farmer, Muller-Moore began marketing it.

In 2011, Muller-Moore sought to trademark the phrase and shortly thereafter Chick-fil-A sent him a cease-and-desist letter telling him to stop using the phrase because the company felt it could be confused with "eat mor chikin."

But Muller-Moore refused, and used social media — and even this blog HERE — to win the support of state officials, including the Governor and pro-bono lawyers who handled his case. Governor Shumlin called Muller-Moore a shining example of Vermont's independence and entrepreneurial spirit.

Now, Chick-fil-A is kinda eating Crow, while Muller-Moore is having a special drink …

"Chick-fil-A did me a bit of a favor: They handed me lemons, and I made lemonade.” — Bo Muller-Moore

Snap.

When Carlos comes home from work, he often stirs our little Pocket Dog, Ozzo, into a frenzy, with the dog tearing through the house like Lindsay Lohan looking to score.

But the other day, as Carlos was revving him up and up and up, I suddenly heard a thump and Carlos say, “Ozzo! Are you okay? Ozzo?”

The.Dog.Had.Run.Into.The.Wall.

Proud Papa I am.

I know there’s an ALLEGED threat of terrorism, but, well, this still makes me smile.

In light of the decision by the majority of movie houses to pull the new James Franco/Seth Rogan film, The Interview, from their theaters before it even opened, Sony Pictures have scrapped the release of the film … for now, and released a statement which says, in part:

“Sony Pictures has been the victim of an unprecedented criminal assault against our employees, our customers, and our business. Those who attacked us stole our intellectual property, private emails, and sensitive and proprietary material, and sought to destroy our spirit and our morale – all apparently to thwart the release of a movie they did not like.”

Yeah, it’s ridiculous, but let me pose this question: how would we feel if some film company in North Korea — or anywhere for that matter — released a film about two North Koreans coming to the US to assassinate our president? Sure, maybe we wouldn’t hack anyone’s emails, but the movie is offensive and ridiculous and stupid.

Plus, Franco’s in it and the less I see or hear of him, the better.

Other things making me smile this week?

Glad you asked. Out there to Alexandria, Indiana, the First United Methodist Church will close its doors at the end of this year. So, why am I smiling?

Glad you asked. This is the same church that earlier this year fired their musical director, Adam Fray, because he’s a homosexual. Then Dr. David Steele was fired from his leadership position in the church for asking that Fray be rehired. Those two things caused a mass walkout by many in the congregation, which caused the church to lose members and money and have to shut it down.

That’s why I’m smiling. Another example of the so-called Good Christians lashing out against someone for being gay and The Gays get the last laugh.

Karl Rove and Dick Cheney, Two Hounds of Hell from the W Regime, have come out and said that, even in light of the recent CIA torture report, they still support the use of, ahem, “enhanced interrogation methods.”

Good, let’s arrest them both for War crimes and use those same methods on them.

I’ve still been perusing Bravo’s new “scripted” show, The Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce, though it isn’t for the girlfriend’s or the divorce. I do like Janeane Garofalo as a bitter divorcee, but it’s the man candy that peaks my, er, interest.

Like Charles Mesure, who plays on of the ex-husbands and has a body and Australian accent to die for.

Then there’ Paul Adelstein, not classically handsome but there’s something about him that also, well, you know.

Just sayin’.

Barbara Walters aired her "Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2014” last week and the most fascinating person of the year? Amal Alamuddin Clooney. Oh, she isn’t fascinating because she’s a high-powered attorney, not at all. Babs — who apparently thinks this was the Most Fascinating List for 1944, said it like this:

"This is Amal Alamuddin, George Clooney's beautiful bride. You could say hers was the wedding of the year. It was really one of the greatest achievements in human history."

The.Greatest.Achievement.In.Human.History? Way to set back the women’s movement a hundred years or more Babs, because no one but you thinks marrying a confirmed bachelor actor is the greatest human achievement in history.

Shouldn’t you be relaxing in a  crypt somewhere?

Camille Cosby has finally broken her silence over the twenty or so — of which we know — women who allege that they were sexually abused and drugged by her husband Bill Cosby, and she went all Tammy “Stand By Your Man” Wynette on the media. She says that the situation is similar to the Rolling Stone report of rapes at UVA that has since been called into question because the woman, the lone woman, at the center of that story may have lied.

Um, Camille, because one woman in Virginia may have lied to Rolling Stone about being raped, that doesn’t compare at all to the dozens and dozens of women who’ve come forward telling the same story about your husband.

You need to sit down and have a good think, and then … stay seated.

When Carlos cooks I inevitably walk into the kitchen and will say, “What stinks?”

And he’ll say,. “The crap I’m serving for dinner.”

Well, being the Christmas season, and being that Carlos loves cranberries and marmalade, he was in the kitchen the other day making some, you guessed it, Cranberry Marmalade. Only, we didn’t have any oranges to give it that citrus boost so he was going to add apples.

“Cranberries and Apples,” I said.”Sounds like Crapple.”

See what I did there? Cranberries? Apples? He cooks crap?

Yeah, he already made me stop.

Jeb Bush has kina come out to say he’s going to run for president so he can also ruin, and that isn’t a typo like I meant to say run, I meant, ruin this country like his dim-bulb, lying war criminal brother, and his one-term, read my lips  no new taxes daddy.

He said, on Facebook, because he’s a teenage girl:

"I am excited to announce I will actively explore the possibility of running for President of the United States."

He’s announcing that he’s really really really gonna think about it.

Siddown Jeb. Just Siddown.

More Carlos?

Okay … earlier this week my father sent us a little gift from a garden center: Bird Seed Pears. They looks like pears, but are made of birdseed and you hang them about your yard to feed your visiting feathered friends.

Well, Carlos was leaving for work one day and he asked if I minded if he gave one to Nina, the receptionist at work. I didn’t, but then I wondered something … Carlos and Nina chat all the time; they take lunches together; they share recipes and give one another gifts — she recently gave him us a bird feeder.

Now I realize what’s happening ... Nina is Carlos “Work Wife.”

And as soon as I told him that I knew, well let’s just say he looked like he wanted to run into a wall like Ozzo.

The Song-In-My-Head this week is, at last, a long time favorite: Shawn Colvin, "Killing The Blues."