Snarky Thoughts ... But First, Ian

Before we get to the Snarky Thoughts, we made through Ian quite nicely. Our weather turned cold which not only created less rain than expected—though we did get just under 4 inches on Friday—but also helped deflate the winds, so, for us, it was just a long day of steady rain and cool temperatures … and red wine, for me.

Now, onto the Snark:

Filed Under: Who Cares … Except the Kardastrophes. Apparently, after years of telling Khloé  she was, ahem, “too fat” for their brand, the Kardastrophe Koven is now said to be worried that Khloé  is too thin.

My Thought: Their real concern is that her new thin body makes the rest of them look fat.

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It was just last month that Jennifer Flavin filed to divorce Sylvester Stallone after 25 years of marriage, and it was a few days later when Sly actually covered up his tattoo of her face with a tattoo of his beloved late dog, and now we learn that the two are back together.

My Thought: is he gonna re-tattoo Jennifer’s face on the dog?

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While talking to Harper’s Bazaar about all sorts of things, Oscar-winner Charlize Theron talked about fame and said that even after twenty-five years in the business she still hasn’t reached the same level of fame that Kim Kardashian has, which is a fact she has finally learned to accept.

My Thought: Does Charlize really wanna be famous cuz her mother sold a sex tape? Cuz she has an enormous ass? Cuz she was married for 72 days? Talent, Charlize, wins out. People will forget Kimmy for everything other than her ass … and by ass I meant her caboose and her ex-husband.

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Filed Under: News I Never Wanted To Know … before her fan forgets, Kardastrophe Pimp, That Woman, decided to remind them that she has a tramp stamp  featuring a cross and daughters Kendall and Kylie’s names on either side of it. No reason why she didn’t bother with her other children’s names.

My Thought: I would have assumed she had one that said, “Servants Enter From The Rear.”

PS I could say words and words and words about that muffin top but I won’t … this time.

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I’ll leave you with some fun … 76-year-old pop icon, LGBTQ+-ally, and Grand Diva, Cher, made a surprise cameo during Paris Fashion Week 2022 by closing the Balmain runway show in a skintight marbled black bodysuit with bold shoulders, matching leggings, and a pair of black platform boots as her 1998 hit “Strong Enough” played in the background.

My Thought: all those wannabes out there who strut and fret their hour upon the stage? Not one of you will ever stop a runway show cold, while the crowd roars, when you’re seventy-six.

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Snarky Thoughts

Everyone knows that California is enduring an unbearable heatwave and drought, and that water is a scarce, valuable, resource. Most people in California are abiding by water restrictions, but the same folks that use their private jest to take a ten-minute flight to dinner, are the same folks disabusing the water restrictions. And some of the worst of the lot are Kim Kardastrophe, Kevin Hart, and Sylvester Stallone.

My Thought: it takes a butt-load of water to wash Kimmy’s butt, but Kevin Hart cam swim in a thimble so what’s his excuse. As for Stallone, maybe he’s using a lot of water to bathe the dog his wife is divorcing him over; Google it, it’s real.

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Gary Busey was booked as a celebrity guest at the annual Monster Mania Convention in Cherry Hill, New Jersey recently and was subsequently charged with two counts of fourth-degree criminal sexual contact, one count of criminal attempt/criminal sexual contact and one count of harassment for ALLEGEDLY groping three women at the convention. And then, just a day later, in California, Busey was caught on tape sitting on a bench with his pants down and ALLEGEDLY performing an obscene act.

My Thought: just looking at Busey feels obscene, and even given California’s limited water supply, someone should have come for him with a firehose.

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Last week when JLo and Ben Affleck threw themselves a slave plantation wedding celebration, it appeared that one guest had to be rushed to the hospital. It seems that Ben’s mom, Chris Affleck, fell off his dock and cut her leg.

My Thought: did she fall, or did she jump, in the hopes of ending this travesty sooner rather than later?

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I certainly hope this celebrity marriage doesn’t end in divorce, because breakups always hurt, but when you throw in tattoo removal, it’s downright painful. Brooklyn Beckham recently married Nicola Peltz … I don’t know either … and to commemorate their love he has had 70 tattoos inked into his skin dedicated to his blushing bride.

My Thought: it’ll take an industrial strength laser to clean all that ink up, and the Brooklyn will be walking scar tissue. And the removal will probably take longer than the actual marriage.

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Shaquille O’Neal thinks the Earth is flat because on a recent flight from the US to Australia he says, well, here’s what he said:

“I flew 20 hours today, not once did I go this way [he moved his arm diagonally]. I flew straight.”

He then added that the plane “didn’t tip over” or “go upside down” during the journey. But it’s not just that the Earth is flat, y’all, Shaq doesn’t believe the Earth spins because the water in his pool doesn’t spill out.

My Thought: I never knew basketball to be a full body contact sport, but apparently Shaq took too many balls to the melon.

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It's Snarkurday!

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Vivica A. Fox—the ‘A’ is for Asshat—has a career based on one film, 1996’s Independence Day, and the fact that she likes to say that Fifty Cent enjoys getting his salad tossed. And now she has a new gig coming to TV though she doesn’t want The Gays to watch it.

Vivica’s Black Magic, on Lifetime, will document Fox’s efforts to launch a male stripper show in Vegas but while promoting it, she thought it best to tell The Gays to stay away. When asked if her dancers would shake their moneymakers for gay men, too, Fox snapped:

“Aw, hell no. Back all that up. No! No! There’s no need to, they dance for women. It’s called the ‘Ultimate Girls’ Night Out’ for a reason.”

Careful, Viv, because I imagine you are surrounded by gay men who do your hair and your nails and your clothes and your plastic surgery. Watch your mouth before you start looking like Ernest Borgnine. Or, better still watch out for the Twitterers who came for you ...

“Really @MsVivicaFox? Imagine if some1 said no black women allowed. Not okay!! Stop hate -wake up it’s 2017.”

Vivica snapped back three times:

“CRAZY how u are trying to take one small moment out of MY interview and call me [homophobic]?? U are trash dude! Complete trash! SMDH.”

“Stop it w this I’m [homophobic] crap! My show is 4 the LADIES Got it?! #UltimateGurlsNiteOut is EXACTLY what we do! No HATE on Gays! EVER!”

“No hate! I’ve NEVER been [homophobic]! U are spreading hate not me! Have a blessed day and check us out next week #VivicasBlackMagic is HAWT.”

Vivica seemed poised to stand her ground, but once she caught sight of herself in a two-dollar weave, an off-the-rack dress from the Discount Drag Queen Warehouse, some off-bran Espadrilles and those few stray hairs left unplucked from her chin, she remembered who buttered her bread and apologized:

“Sure! I've been a FRIEND n supporter of the LGBT community! Didn't mean 2 offend and I'm woman enough 2 apologize! My show is 4 all 2 enjoy”

Well, not for all, because it sounds like trash and a too-little-too-late rip-off of Magic Mike XXL. So, sit down Vivica, your plastic surgeon has a little something new for your face.

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Well, the Kanye-Beyoncé-Jay Z beef won’t end anytime soon if this story is even partially true ...

Rumor has it that Beyoncé tore into Missus Kanye West ... for now ... during a phone call when Kim asked her to try and soothe tensions after Kanye’s hospitalization. In other words, Kim said, “My husband is a lunatic, please try and watch your mouth because I can’t guarantee your safety.”

That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I mean, it’s kinda true ... of course, this comes on the heels of other Beyoncé snubs of That Klan, like when Kim asked [read: begged] to be Beyonce’s friend or to  let Blue Ivy play with North and Beyoncé just shut her down.

Still, two things make me think the story is fake: Kim Kardastrophe has Beyonce’s private phone number? And if she does, Beyoncé actually answers her own phone?

Oh hell no.

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So ... ABC’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and Mariah Carey, right? What a d-i-saster.

I mean, the backing vocal was all wrong, or so Mimi says, so she strutted around the stage like a stripper without a pole. But then the next song she declares is the album version and yet she still can’t get it together enough to sing so she struts some more, has a dancer hoist her up a flight of stairs and then wanders off like my drunken Aunt June at Cousin Edna’s wedding last fall.

But why didn’t the producers save her? Why not cut to commercial and fix the mess? Who knows because they aren’t talking, though Mimi, who first Tweeted a ‘sh*t happens’ message, is now trying to wring more drama out of this than Whitney—goddess rest her soul—trying to wring sweat from a towel during a stage performance of ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody.’

Mimi’s people—wearing tin-foil hats—are saying that Carey was sabotaged in an attempt to get higher TV ratings for ABC because a Mariah That Sucks gets better numbers than a Mariah That Sings. In fact, Chief Conspiracy Theorist at Camp Carey, her  manager, Stella Bulochnikov, says:

“I will never know the truth, but I do know that we told them three times that her mic pack was not working and it was a disastrous production. I’m certainly not calling the FBI to investigate. It is what it is: New Year’s Eve in Times Square. Mariah did them a favor. She was the biggest star there and they did not have their s–t together.”

Dick Clark Productions responded to the allegations with this statement:

“As the premier producer of live television events for nearly 50 years, we pride ourselves on our reputation and long-standing relationships with artists. To suggest that dcp, as producer of music shows including the American Music Awards, Billboard Music Awards, New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and Academy of Country Music Awards, would ever intentionally compromise the success of any artist is defamatory, outrageous and frankly absurd. In very rare instances there are of course technical errors that can occur with live television, however, an initial investigation has indicated that dcp had no involvement in the challenges associated with Ms. Carey’s New Year’s Eve performance. We want to be clear that we have the utmost respect for Ms. Carey as an artist and acknowledge her tremendous accomplishments in the industry.”

In other words, dcp says Mariah Sucks ... something most of us knew long before New Year’s Eve.

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Sylvester Stallone is an American icon and ... okay, I kid ... but he is a Golden Globe winner and the father of the three ...count ‘em, three ... Miss Golden Globes from the show the other night—his daughters Sistine, like the Chapel, Scarlet, like the Letter and Sophia, like the Bush, were the beauties onstage handing out the statues. But none of that guaranteed that Stallone would have a good seat at the show. In fact, he was almost invisible during the program because of a seating snafu.

Stallone and the Missus were scheduled to sit at the Manchester by the Sea table along with that film’s star, Casey Affleck, its producer, Matt Damon and its writer-director, Kenneth Lonergan, but when Stallone and his wife Jennifer Flavin arrived they only found one seat waiting for them. And rumor has it that they were so annoyed that no one, not Damon or Affleck or Lonergan offered to give up their chair. So Sly and his Family Stallone, embarrassed by the snub, watched the show from backstage.

Later in the evening, after nabbing a Globe for Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama, Casey Affleck saw Stallone backstage and tried to apologize for the seating mess but Stallone was not having it.

His reps, though, did have something to say:

“The story you refer to is an interesting rumor—but a rumor nonetheless. Sylvester Stallone had a wonderful evening attending and presenting at the Golden Globes and celebrating with his family and friends.”

Celebrating by a buffet table set up in a hallway backstage, I guess.

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I’d always assumed that Flip or Flop’s Tarek El Moussa’s favorite color was gray—given that he chooses gray for every surface in every house he flips—but apparently I was wrong and his favorite color is green.

We all know that Flip or Flop’s Tarek and Christina El Moussa split up a long time ago—though they continued to film their TV show as a lovingly married couple—and she started bumping uglies with their friend, and former contractor, Gary Anderson while Tarek ALLEGEDLY banged their nanny, but now the marriage is really over because Tarek won the footrace to the courthouse to file for divorce and to ask for spousal support.

And while Tarek and Christina say they will keep their divorce civil—and continue to play a happily uncoupled couple on their HGTV show—it’s already gone uglier than a bad travertine shower surround.

Tarek wants coins from Christina and wants a judge to ban her from getting her mitts on his ass ... ets. But why so nasty, since they’re both real estate agents and do the same job on the show, which is pretending to actually do manual labor on their show, while the real work is done by a bunch of guys named Manuel.

Is it because maybe Christina was doing the nasty with Gary long before the couple split up ... which was long before they announced they split up?

Maybe Tarek will be using that little snatch of adultery to get more coins. Either way you Flip it, their marriage is a Flop.

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Okay, so we started with Gay Hater Vivica A. Fox, so let’s end with her ...

We know that she stuck her rented Size 11 Louboutin’s in her mouth when she banned The Gays from watching her craptastic Lifetime show about male strippers, because she backtracked as soon as she realized that, without The Gays, she’d be doing nails in the Valley for minimum wage.

But now there’s this ... Vivica’s business partner Jean-Claude LaMarre is done with her over her No Gays Can Watch My Show mess, and is cutting all ties with her:

“The comments were out of order, and it does not represent our attitudes toward the LGBT community. All are welcomed. Vivica speaks for herself, not the business or the show.”

Vivica started working with Jean-Claude when he put her in his movie Chocolate City, which morphed into Vivica’s Black Magic, and while he’ll still executive produce the show, he is done working with Vivica A. Fox.

Again, the ‘A’ is asshat.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Justin Bieber is an entitled little douche with little discernible talent other than being a spoiled, self-indulgent prissy little queen. Whoosh. That felt good.

He’s also a bit of a coward.

See, Miss Justine likes to start trouble in clubs—the ones that let underage girls in, that is—but then turns tail and runs to his bodyguards when things get rough. And they hoist him onto their hip, take him out to the car, strap him in his car-seat and give him a binkie till things die down.

Last week, at South Pointe in Southampton, Miss Justine showed up at 2 AM and immediately threw a tantrum because a bunch of drunks wanted his picture; I mean, you’d have to be pretty trashed to want a picture of that whiny brat, amirite?

So Miss Justine’s ‘team’ of bodyguards, to, you know, protect their paychecks, began shoving the crowd and shining flashlights in their faces so the cameras couldn’t capture Miss Justine drinking from a bottle … of formula.

Then, when a female clubgoer tried to chat up the Biebs, and he got all chest puffy, her male friend and Justine exchanged a few heated words: “He (Bieber) ripped his shirt off and went nuts. He was screaming,” says the source—AKA Dina Lohan. “Security moved in, and Bieber was taken from the club out to the parking lot, where his SUVs were waiting.”

And his nurse, who put him down for a nap, after changing his dirty diaper.

I do so love a good catfight, and no one knows how to do it better than Joan Collins.

I mean, she’s at least a 100, right? And still kicking off her mules and taking off her earrings and getting into the dirt …. with Shirley Jones, best known as Shirley Partridge from The Partridge Family.

Yeah, that Shirley Jones.

It seems Jones wrote a memoir where she claims that she and Joan nearly had some kind of torrid foursome in the 1960s and Joan says it never happened; she’s ranting to anyone who’ll listen that she is not some ‘porn-watching swinger pervert and never was, and now she threatening Jones.

According to the book, Shirley and her then-husband Jack Cassidy were at the home of Joan Collins and her then-husband Tony Newley for dinner … and after dinner, Tony proposed they all get naked and watch porn together. Shirley writes, “It was clear what Tony was leading up to — swinging.”

But, Shirley says she turned down the offer, and now Joan is accusing her of libel. Collins sent Shirley a cease and desist letter, demanding her new book be removed from stores everywhere, but Shirley’s NOT backing down. She says the story is true and she’s standing by it.

Old women arguing over group sex and porn. Who’da thunk it!

Lindsay’s in New York, y’all. Lock up all the clubs and tell the psychics to stay indoors!

But, one place you won’t see Lindsay is in Europe. After announcing upon her exit from Rehab Stay #7 that she would be headed to Europe for a vacation, Lindsay has suddenly changed her mind.

Or, she had it changed for her.

It seems Oprah has ALLEEGDLY talked Lindsay out of a European Vacation.

See, O is sure Lindsay will relapse if she goes and O just cut Lindsay a check for $2 million for a reality show docu-series, and O wants it to have a happy ending, with Lindsay clean and sober, not coked up at a hotel in Cannes; again.

Sidenote: It was all over the media yesterday that O was saying she knew this time Lindsay will stay clean, but if you listen to the actual quote, O says, “I think she thinks this time will work.”

O’s hedging her bets ….

Looky here, two more grande dames of the cinema having a catfight.

Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis. I bet they get down and dirtier than Collins and Jones did.

The two aging he-men have appeared in The Expendables, which spawned a sequel, with plans for a third installment. My kinda movie: wrinkly old men as action heroes.

Willis’ part in the first film went uncredited, but he signed on for the second one, and he was supposed to do the third but it seems like he wanted a bigger piece of the Grampa Action Hero money so he was replaced by that other aging action hero, Harrison Ford.

And Sly likes the idea, Tweeting: “WILLIS OUT… HARRISON FORD IN !!!! GREAT NEWS !!!!! Been waiting years for this!!!!”

And then following up with this jab at Willis:  “GREEDY AND LAZY …… A SURE FORMULA FOR CAREER FAILURE.”

And before anyone could say he didn’t mean it, Stallone’s rep confirmed he was talking about Willis.

I wanna see a tag-team match, Collins and Stallone versus Willis and Jones. That’s an action movie I’d see.

Now onto Kimye.

All has been quiet since Kim’s baby, Child Support Check, was born, and even Kanye, who never stops talking, has been gloriously silent.

But rumor has it that Kim is only being quiet because Kanye is so controlling, you know, like he says, ‘Don’t talk to the press or I’ll move back to Paris with my boyfriend’ or ‘Stay away from the paparazzi or I’ll move back to Paris with my boyfriend’ or ‘Stop making that face or I’ll move back to Paris with my boyfriend’.

Oh yeah, ALLEGEDLY.

But it seems that Kanye has been controlling each and every minute of Kim’s life these days, and some are saying that she is ALLEGEDLY “walking on eggshells” — and staying away from cameras — to please her Baby Daddy’s ego.

A source — and you know it’s Kris Jenner, the Biggest Pimp In The World — says, “Kim has been trapped by a madman who’s doing his all to control her every move. She knows the littlest thing can set him off. She knows not to push Kanye too far … she’s doing her best to keep him happy.”

And if that means Kim is staying away from the press and not whoring herself and her baby, Child Support Check, out, then I say, and I never thought I’d say this, Thank you, Kanye.

And now for news about a different Kardastrophe … Khloe.

In recent weeks, it’s been ALLEGED that Khloe’s husband, Lamar Odom, had a nearly year-long affair with a woman named Jennifer Richardson; in fact, Richardson, as women who schtup married basketball players and then find themselves alone are apt to do, sold her story to the Star; but, she had plane tickets, game tickets and other receipts as evidence of the affair, so maybe ….

And then we learned that Khloe actually confronted Jennifer courtside at one of Lamar’s games and told her to stay away from Lamar. For his part, Lamar tried to claim that Jennifer was just a groupie and that they had nothing going on. So, that ALLEGED relationship is said to have ended in February, which may explain why Richardson whored herself to the Star, but now there’s another woman who claims to have had an affair with Lamar.

Polina Polonsky, a lawyer … how’s that for high-larious … claimed that she was Lamar’s f**k-buddy for about six weeks — around the same time Lamar was staying at the Roosevelt Hotel because Khloe had kicked him out of their house for schtupping Jennifer — and she says Khloe and Kris conspired to harass and intimidate her: “I was under the impression that he had left Khloe, and that’s why he was living at the Roosevelt. He acted completely available and we definitely had a mutual attraction.”

Of course he acted available, that’s what adulterers do. Their flirtation escalated during, um, meet-ups, not hook-ups, at the Roosevelt, and then finally, on June 13, the pair made sweet sweet adulterous love: “After we had sex, Lamar stayed the night with me. The next day we went back to the Roosevelt. I stayed there with him for the next couple of nights.”

It wasn’t long before Khloe found out, and, grrrrl, she wasn’t happy. On June 21, while Polina was at her apartment, Khloe and her pimp, Kris Jenner, ALLEGEDLY stormed the Roosevelt to confront Lamar and his lover. According to Polina, Lamar told her that, while looking for him, Khloe and Kris banged on the door of the wrong room and when there was no answer Khloe broke the door down.

Well, that heifer is powerful, you know!

So Lamar, disgusted and a’scurred by Khloe’s behavior fled to Polina’s home and stayed there for nearly two weeks, hiding from his wife. Then, on June 25, Polina says Khloe and Kris came to her home: “I couldn’t believe they found where I lived and came to my apartment! They were knocking on the door, but Lamar refused to answer …”

Khloe eventually left to film her reality show, but later on, when Polina and Odom were schtupping again, Khloe also showed up at that room at the Vagabond Inn … let that sink in … The Vagabond Inn … tacky ass motel.

At 5:30 AM Khloe started banging on their love shack door, sreaming, “Open the door now, or I am calling the police!”

“I told her to leave, but she refused. I called the front desk and asked them to call the police because I was so scared, but no one ever came. While Khloe was screaming outside the door, Lamar was calling people to come and get her. She was out of control. The whole scene was so frightening — and I couldn’t understand why we were hiding, because he made it clear that he didn’t want to be with her!”

Eventually Polina says Lamar opened the door for his wife and: “Khloe charged into the room and began swinging at me…she tried to attack me! Lamar had to grab her by the hoodie and pull her back. She is way bigger than me. It was terrifying. Lamar took her into the hallway, and I shut the door for my own safety. I could hear them screaming at each other, and I kept banging on the door telling them to leave before they got arrested. As soon as they left, I left — I couldn’t stay there after all the craziness.”

As the Immortal Nene Leakes would say, Close your legs to married men!  Close your legs to married men! Close your legs to married men! Close your legs to married men!

Now, onto those other wacky adulterers, Simon Cowell, and his f**k-buddy, and wife of his former friend, Lauren Silverman.

It now seems that Cowell has been schtupping his buddy’s bride since 2009, according to a source — :::cough cough::: Dina Lohan — who says, “Lauren has loved Simon forever. And they started having an affair four years ago.”

The relationship began as a casual fling, you know, a man in a tight T-shirt, smelling like an ashtray, screwing his friend’s wife, but now with a Baby On Board, Cowell and Silverman are just aglow.

But, as much of a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding, can’t keep his pants zipped, or his dick gloved, ass that Simon Cowell can be, his future Baby Mama, Lauren, is a cunning … I was gonna say linguist … bitch. See, Lauren and her husband had a pre-nup, in which she’d get $4 million if they stayed married for ten years.

Guess who got pregnant by her hubby’s buddy right after anniversary Number 10?

Uh huh ….