Snarky Thoughts

A week ago we learned Kevin Costner was trying to get out of his Yellowstone contract, and then discovered that his wife, Christine Baumgartner, wanted out of their marriage contract and filed for divorce after eighteen years of marriage. Costner seems to suggest in a statement that he was blindsided by the announcement—sad when the wife doesn’t tell you she wants a divorce before she tells the lawyers, eh? Baumgartner has asked for joint custody of their three children but did not ask for spousal support.

My Thought: Maybe she left him because he’s trying to get out of a very successful TV show and she’s a big fan or likes the coins the show makes … or, as some say, he may have cheated with someone on the set resulting in the other woman getting pregnant.

photo

At the premiere of his newest film, About My Father, Robert De Niro announced that he’d become a father … again. The father of six welcomed his seventh child—name and gender unknown—at the age of seventy-nine and claimed the pregnancy was “planned.”

My Thought: De Niro “planned” to be one-hundred-years-old on his latest child’s 21st birthday, and planned on his latest child getting to know his, or her, oldest sister, who is fifty-one?

photo

Shakira‘s been having quite a few years after she found that her longtime boyfriend Gerard Piqué was dipping his peen into one Clara Chia Marti—which sounds like a cocktail—and then followed that mess up with the Spanish government saying she owed back taxes. But that might all change for the … cray-cray ... if we are to believe that Cult of $cientology poster boy Tom Cruise is interested in dating Shakira. 

My Thought: I think Co$ ALLEGEDLY checked Shakira's fan sites, clicked on her picture and then tapped Add To Cart so Tommy would no longer be single and insane. I mean, CO$ will buy Tommy whatever next ex-wife he wants just to keep him happy and in check.

photo

Suzanne Somers, who clearly needed a way to get her name back out there, is claiming that she was offered—and declined—one of the first co-hosting slots alongside Barbara Walters on “The View” back in 1997:

“I was originally asked to be on the original ‘View’ with Barbara Walters and whoever else, and I turned it down, and everyone said, ‘Why would you turn that down? It is a national show.' I said, ‘First of all, I have to live in New York. I don’t really wanna live in New York … but secondly, I don’t do well vying for time. And there, you gotta interrupt and butt in and butt out. It’s just not my personality.”

My Thought: Huh, she must be a psychic cause how could she know you’d have to “butt in” and “interrupt” people on a show that hadn’t even aired yet?

PS ABC is not commenting on the story and Barbara Walters died in December 2022.

photo

It’s been a year since Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello called off The Love Affair of the Century and yet neither one has had much success in love—Shawn tried and failed to convince his chiropractor and Mariah Carey—to be his new beard, and Camila added a single season run as a Voice judge. So, what do they do to reignite their failed and faked love lives and careers: they are spotted  making out at Coachella.

My Thought: This will last until one of them has a hit record.

photo

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I adore Patti LuPone. She’s talented, brassy, ballsy, bold and has exactly zero fucks left to give. Even when it comes to old feuds like her decades long-running tiff with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

La LuPone, as I call her, is returning to Broadway this spring with the revival of Stephen Sondheim’s Company and so she’s doing some press; and whenever Patti does press her tiff with ALW comes up. Now, Patti dished ALW in her 2011 memoir Patti LuPone: A Memoir and last year he countered with memories of her in his own book Unmasked: A Memoir, in which he dragged La LuPone for her diction. As you know, and if you don’t WTF is wrong with you, La LuPone was the original Evita and ALW still had a few notes for her about her performance.

Here’s how Patti found that out in a recent interview:

Did you read Andrew Lloyd Webber’s memoir?

No. Am I in it?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, dear.

The interviewer tells her that Andy “rehashed the expected stuff” like their falling out when ALW fired her from the Broadway production of Sunset Boulevard and replaced her with Glenn Close, and the interviewer says Andy “made a point of criticizing” La LuPone’s diction. Now, Patti wasn’t surprised by that, and even acknowledged it saying:

“You don’t know, when you’re in the moment, that you’re not enunciating.”

She added that John Houseman used to call her “flannel mouth” back in the day. So, she was fine with the diction comments until she realized he was talking about her performance in Evita:

“How could he talk about “Evita”? The whole thing is sung. He’s a jerk. He’s a sad sack. He is the definition of sad sack. I never wanted to do “Evita,” because it was the most bizarre music I’d ever heard. You’re raised on Rodgers and Hammerstein, Meredith Willson, Lerner and Loewe, and then you hear that? I heard the “Evita” concept album, and I went, ‘Ow, my ear.’”

But then she added:

“I thought ‘Evita’ was the best thing he and Tim Rice did. But the rest of it is schmaltz.”

That’s why I love La LuPone, a compliment and a dig going hand-in-hand.

photo

When Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan announced they were divorcing after nine years of marriage, they both released the same no-drama statement about their split, saying how much they loved each other, but that they just weren’t going to be married anymore.

How quickly things change … Jenna, who has a book, Gracefully You: Finding Beauty and Balance in the Everyday, to publicize, is now crying about how she found out that Channing and Jessie J were dating … like all of us, or some of us, or none of us … by reading it on the internet.

But here’s the rub … Channing and Jessie J started dating after the Tatum’s split up, so why she is now acting like the scorned spouse is odd … except she has a book to sell and coins to make.

“I was in a state of shock. One week I’d be doing really well and the next I was slammed with a whole new slew of emotions. The rumor mill was churning out story after story. There were many times I hid under the covers, wondering what was next. The pain hit me like a tumbling avalanche. I was completely overcome with fear and sadness. It took many moments of sitting alone with my grief to force me into surrendering to my roller coaster of a situation.”

Funny, all that pain, and that wild roller coaster of an emotional ride didn’t stop Jenna from meeting and dating and hooking up with and having a baby with  Broadway actor Steve Kazee. I wonder if she called Channing to let him know, or if that’s just a one-sided thing … when you have a book to sell.

photo

Lori Loughlin is hilarious. She’s currently awaiting trial for her :::cough::: ALLEGED role in Operation Varsity Blues where rich people used illegal bribes to get their kids into prestigious universities. Lori stands accused of paying $500,000 to fake some rowing credentials for her daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella Giannulli to get them into USC because they weren’t smart enough to get in on their own merits.

But that’s not the funny part; Loughlin pled not guilty, where others—like Felicity Huffman—pled out, and were given very light sentences. And then ,even funnier, Loughlin has now been hit with more charges and funniest of all is that Lori Loughlin has been watching Felicity Huffman’s 13-day prison stay and wants to know what it’s like because she thinks she’ll get the same deal.

Oh Lori, you’ll be going to a Fuller Big House.

For a longer time, too, honey.

photo

What do you do if you’re tasked with playing a role in a film, like say, oh, I dunno, The Joker, in Suicide Squad, and think you’re gonna ride that part to an Oscar like Heath Ledger did in that Batman movie? And then you don’t. But then you think you’ll take the part on again and play it in a stand-alone film about The Joker’s origin story and you learn that Joaquin Phoenix has gotten your part?

Well, if you’re  Jared Leto you try and try and try … and try to stop the film from happening. And you fail. Kinda because Suicide Squad sucked, and many of your scenes were chopped from the film, and so no one wanted Jared Leto back on film in that role except for Jared Leto. And now, in 2019, that Joker film is killing it at the box office and it looks like its star, Joaquin Phoenix, might get that Joker Oscar.

According to sources familiar with Leto’s behavior, when the Oscar-winning actor—for Dallas Buyer’s Club—learned of the Todd Phillips project, he not only complained to his agents at CAA, who also represent Phillips, but asked his music manager, Irving Azoff, to call the leader of Warners parent company to get Warners to kill the Phillips film if he didn’t get the lead. Sources say Leto felt his agents should have told him about the Phillips project earlier and fought harder for his version of Joker, or at least stopped the rival project, arguing that Leto wasn’t being treated properly as an Oscar winner.

Everyone said, ‘No,’ and now Jared is no longer represented by CAA or Azoff.

Oops.

photo

What’s that smell? 

It smells like aging Miley Cyrus desperate for attention, but it’s actually 73-year-old Suzanne Somers celebrating her 73rd birthday by posting a picture of herself in her literal birthday suit.

Oh Suzanne, desperation smells terrible at age 26 and even worse at 73.

photo

What smells glorious is 74-year-old Hellen Mirren at the premiere of her latest film, The Good Liar.

Somers should take notes.

photo

WTF? Suzanne Somers

Suzanne Somers, the Thighmaster® Queen, who has spent the last 400 years writing books, and blathering on TV, about how to look young forever.

Here's her secret: Bad plastic surgery.

Secret #2: Wear a dress that makes you look like a linebacker in drag and no one will look at your hideously tight face.

Note to Suzanne: when you have a gut, don't belt it.