Close To Done ...

I have had many, many … okay, maybe just two … people ask about the kitchen remodel:

Where are the photos??
When is it going to be done?

Well, here are the photos and it’ll be done, sigh, when it’s done. Those are the before pictures up there, and it looks good, but I think that’s just the lighting. And below we’ll start with some of the recent photos; as you can see the layout stayed the same, which was done for Carlos’ eyesight. We have kept everything, except the dishwasher, in the same spot so it’s easier for Carlos to navigate.

Let’s dish …

This is the new kitchen yesterday morning; I love the blue and honey cabinets and I love the blue cabinets and how they go up on the pantry, and then the honey cabinets and how they come down around the fridge, and onto the island.

We did a large subway tile in a stacked formation along the walls because it bounces light around the kitchen and plays off the lighter tones in the quartz.

And the stove wall … and the vent hood, the bane of my existence. I found a hood I liked, had the power we wanted and yet ran very quietly and so I ordered it online. It was to come in a week … it took a month. And then there weren’t enough of the chimney sections to reach the 9-foot ceilings; it was about ten inches short. So, I emailed the company and the manufacturer and both replied “That’s how they’re made and we don’t make other pieces to fit a taller ceiling”—even though the website claimed the chimney went up to ten feet.

And after they gave me the “There’s nothing we can do” speech, they had the nerve to say, “Is there anything else we can help you with?”

“Um, let me see … you helped me with the—oh, yeah, you haven’t helped me at all!”

Click.

So a new hood was ordered once we double- and triple-checked that it would go up to the ceiling and it was set to be delivered in a week and as you can see it has yet to arrive.

Breathe.

This is the sink wall with a muted Mexican tile that rises from the counter between the two upper cabinets to the ceiling—this same tile pattern will go behind the stove once the %&$#ing new hood arrives. I love the look of the tile because it has all the colors of the cabinetry and hardware:

And also has all the colors in the quartz, from the dark blue to the grays to the tans; that’s my favorite thing.

In addition to a rectangle sink; I don’t know why, but I love a good rectangle sink.

The far end of the kitchen we have no photos for, because the walls need to be finished and the floating shelve above two small cabinets that will hold cookbooks and tchotchkes and such, are not up yet, and the flooring … the next step for the entire house, is not down yet.

But it’s closer to being done and that’s a good thing.

Oscarvations

Well, here we are again … the 97^th Academy Awards and me, writing my 97^th post about show; okay, so it feels like I’ve been blogging for 97b years! It was a good show, not a great show, and had some fun and funny  moments and some STFU moments, and good fashion and bad fashion, so let’s rip …

The show opened with what I thought was going to be about the recent fires in LA and rebuilding the city but then we had Ariana Grande, in ruby slippers no less, onstage singing ‘Over the Rainbow’ from The Wizard of Oz quite beautifully, followed by Cynthia Erivo giving her gorgeous rendition of ‘Home’ from The Wiz. Then the two united and sang ‘Defying Gravity’ from Wicked; beautifully done, though of course this queen loved anything Oz-ish.

Conan O’Brien was host and we see a stage hand knocking on his dressing room but he’s not inside. Instead it’s Demi Moore from The Substance giving herself the shot and then collapsing on the floor. Her back rips open and out crawls … Conan, ready to host except … he lost a show. So he dips back into Demi, literally, and retrieves the footwear before heading to the stage  to a voiceover …

Please welcome to the stage, a four-time Oscar … viewer!

And Conan hit the stage …

Hi, Demi. How are you? That was weird. Yeah, awkward. I’m missing some car keys.

Welcome to the 97th Academy Awards. It’s Hollywood’s biggest night, starting at four in the afternoon. Everyone here just had brunch — I don’t understand it.

O’Brien did an extended bit with Adam Sandler, wearing a hoodie and basketball shorts in the audience, which I thought was going to evolve into a Zelenskyy bit about his lack of wearing a suit to meet The Felon; that was a missed opportunity, I thought. But hey, they can’t all be gems, so let’s dig into the show, with some of Cona’s bits sprinkled throughout.

Robert Downey Jr. presents OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR  … Kieran Culkin for A Real Pain. He reminded his wife of a promise she made:

'About a year ago, I was on a stage like this and I very stupidly, publicly said that I want a third kid from her because she said if I won the award she would give me the kid. Turns out she said that because she didn't think I was gonna win. Later, she goes, "Oh god, I did say that. I guess I owe you a third kid." And I turned to her and I said, "Really, I want four,"' and she said  I will give you four when you win an Oscar.'

Andrew Garfield is out to present with Goldie Hawn and some uneasy banter ensues about her career and how loved she is only making her appear old, which she is; they present … BEST ANIMATED FILM … Flow … and then BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM … In the Shadow of Cypress.

Little fact for you: ‘Anora’ uses the F-word 479 times. That’s three more than the record set by Karla Sofía Gascón’s publicist.

O’Brien then pitched his voice up to imitate Gascón’s reps:

You tweeted WHAT?!

The camera cut to Gascón, who seemed to be in on the joke, making prayer hands.

Karla, if you’re going to tweet about the Oscars, remember, my name is Jimmy Kimmel.

Lily Rose Depp, Elle Fanning, John Lithgow, Connie Nielsen and Bowen Yang all present … OUTSTANDING COSTUME DESIGN … with Bowen wearing his Wicked costume to … Wicked … and to Paul Tazewell—HOT MAN ALERT—the first Black man to ever with the award.

Amy Poehler is up and, as usual, every time I see her on an awards show stage, my first thought is, ‘Where’s Tina Fey?’ … she says she’s ‘honored to be here to present the two most important awards, Most Athletic and Best Hair but first BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY … ‘I believe it was William Shakespeare who said, ‘writing is a bitch’’ … Sean Baker for Anora … then BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY … Peter Straughan for Conclave

If you haven’t seen ‘Conclave,’ its tagline is: A movie about the Catholic Church, but don’t worry.

Chalamet will not get hit on his bike ride home tonight in that suit

No Smart phones were allowed on the set of Dune. The director didn’t want them Googling what the film was about.

June Squib and Scarlett Johansson are out to present … June says she got a little makeup done and is actually being played by Nosferatu’s Bill Skarsgård … ‘Half the time you see me in public, it’s Bill Skarsgård. The Real June Squib is at home with a book.’ … BEST HAIR AND MAKEUP … The Substance

Note to Garfield and Hawn: that’s awards show banter.

Another movie nominated for best picture is ‘I’m Still Here.’ Incredible film. It’s about a woman who forges ahead alone after her husband goes missing. When my wife saw it, she called it the feel-good movie of the year.

Amazon has taken over creative control of the 007 franchise. They just announced the next James Bond. It’s Amazon Senior Vice President of Global Affairs Steve Belsky! Ladies love him!

Halle Berry looking stunning in Siriano … pays tribute to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson and their Bond franchise that they no longer control with singer Lisa singing ‘Live and Let Die’ … Doja Cat giving us ‘Diamonds are Forever’ while literally dripping in gems and Raye singing ‘Skyfall’ and making me long for Adele. Raye’s good, but, c’mon, Adele.

Conan shows off his new film viewing service, Cinemastream … a movie theater screen made up entirely of cell phones for people who don’t go to the movies but watch them on a 3’ by 5” screen.

Timothée Chalamet is nominated for his portrayal of Bob Dylan in A Complete Unknown. Bob Dylan wanted to be here tonight, but not that badly.

Daryl Hannah is out to present but first says Slava Ukraini, the battle cry of the Ukrainian military in one of the very few political references last night … ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING … Anora and Sean Baker again!

Da'Vine Joy Randolph … BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS …  Zoe Saldaña … Emilia Pérez … My fellow nominees, the love and community you showed me, I will pay it forward. Zoe thanks her husband—HOT MAN ALERT—Marco Perego-Saldaña before saying she is the American of Dominican origin to win that award.

Ben Stiller, whom I do not find funny at all, won me over a bit last night after the stage got stuck lifting him up to present so he had to hop up and down before finally crawling out … BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN … Wicked

Mick Jagger … all 81-spry-years of him … stayed tuned later this week for a Tale of Carlos about Mick …is out to present BEST ORIGINAL SONG … I wasn’t the first choice to present this award the producers wanted Bob Dylan but he refused saying the best songs were in A Complete Unknown and he suggested they find somebody younger … so here I am … to—HOT MAN ALERT—Clement Ducol—Camille, and Jaques Audiard for ‘El Mal,’  Emilia Pérez

I really liked Babygirl … in which Antonio Banderas plays a man who doesn’t know how to give his wife an orgasm. He described it as the most challenging role of his career.”

A complete unknown and a real Nosferatu; just some of the names I was called on the red carpet tonight.

Selena Gomez and Samuel L. Jackson … BEST DOCUMENTARY  SHORT FILM … The Only Girl in the Orchestra … Molly O’Brien and Lisa Remington … and BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE … No Other Land … Basel Adra, Rachel Szor, Hamdan  Ballal, Yuval Abraham

Next up was a Salute to LA Firefighters … after the longest ovation of the night, deservedly so, Conan asks three of them to tell a joke even he wouldn’t say:

Our hearts go out to those who lost their homes and I’m talking about the producers of Joker 2.

To play Bob Dylan Timothee Chalamet had to learn to sing, in fact his signing was so good he almost lost the part.

It’s great to be back with Conan. Usually when he calls he’s stuck in a tree

Miles Teller and Miley Cyrus … two  of my least favorites who seem to think everyone loves them … got news for you, they don’t … BEST SOUND … Dune Pt 2 … Gareth John, Richard King, Ron Bartlett, Doug Hemphill

At the first Oscars Emil Janning won for The Way of the Flesh and two years later he won for the sequel, The Way of the Flesh 2: Electric Flesh-aloo.

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is so prestigious and it’s also a sidewalk.

We’re at the halfway point of the show so it’s time for Kendrick Lamar to come out and call Drake a pedophile.

Rachel Zegler and Gal Gadot … BEST VISUAL EFFECTS … Dune Pt 2 … Paul Lambert, Stephen, Rhys Salcombe, Gred Nefzer … followed by Ana de Armas and—HOT MAN ALERT—Sterling K BROWN … BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM … I’m Not A Robot … Victoria Warmerdam and Trent.

Morgan Freeman is out to pay tribute to recently deceased Gene Hackman and then we get The Death Crawl In Memoriam … with a choir … I haven’t heard tell of who got left out of the tribute … yet.

Joe Alwynn—HOT MAN ALERT—Alba Rohrwacher, Zoe Saldaña, Dave Bautista and Willem Dafoe present OUTSTANDING CINEMATOGRAPHY … The Brutalist, Lol Crawley

I loved ‘The Brutalist,’ I really did. I didn’t want it to end, and luckily, it didn’t.

MARK Hamill … looking rode and put away wet … BEST ORIGINAL SCORE … The Brutalist Daniel Blumberg

Oprah Winfrey … goddess why is she here … and Whoopi Goldberg salute the career of Quincy Jones before Queen Latifah … why … performs  Ease on Down The Road why … in some sort of Tin Man madness.

If your speech goes on too long we cut to John Lithgow looking slightly disappointed …or show one of your old had shots … Chalamet in the womb .

Penelope Cruz presents BEST INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM …  I’m Still Here … Brazil

If you’re still enjoying the show you have something called Stockholm Syndrome.

Cillian Murphy … last year’s winner … OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A LEAD ROLE … Adrien Brody—whom I find very hot—The Brutalist … spoke of gratitude and respect and getting along and divisive times and uniting and working together and acting and his parent … in what would have been a good speech if it wasn’t so long that the orchestra attempted to play him off … twice!

Quentin Tarantino … loathsome … full of himself ….obnoxious …. BEST DIRECTOR … Sean Baker, Anora … again … who pleads for people to go to the movies and enjoy film on a big screen

Emma Stone … last year’s winner … OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A LEAD ROLE … Mikey Madison, Anora … I had expected Demi Moore to win since she’d won so many awards this year for The Substance …but Mikey read a nice handwritten looooong speech or her college thesis

Anora’s doing well tonight. It picked up two awards, I guess we’re happy to finally see someone stand up to a Russian.

Meg Ryan, finally settling into her new face, and Billy Crystal, the greatest Oscars host ever … I used to work here … … BEST PICTURE … Anora, Sean Baker—his fourth Oscar of the night, Samantha Quan and Alex Coco … who pleaded for more independent films to be made.

And … it was an okay show, no real drama, some funny bits, no surprise except for Demi Moore losing … all in all, I’d give it a Meh+ … goodnight!

Why Is It ...

… that, and this is no brag, I don’t need alcohol to send texts I’ll regret later.

…that the reason I look both ways before crossing a One-Way street is because I have so little faith in Humanity.

… that my flag is not red white and blue … it’s white … I give up. Leave me alone.

… that I am still stunned at how much I can get done around the house out of the fear of someone coming over.

… that I always take life with a grain of salt … a slice of lime and a shot of tequila.

… that no one believes I was born irritated. I mean, otherwise, there’s no way that people get on my nerves this much.

… that I feel like I’m in jail when I’m around unfunny people for more than two minutes.

… that  the three stages of growing up are Young and Dumb, Motivated and Hopeful, and Fuck Everyone and Everything.

… that I like my coffee like I like my men … sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away.

… that if you can’t look back at your younger self and realize you were an idiot,you’re probably still an idiot.

Meme Dump

Money Can’t Buy You Class [or] What Happens When Parents Give Houses To The Kids

I am obsessed by celebrity real estate and how the so-called rich and famous live. More often than not the homes are designed to within an inch of their lives by a high-priced designer but sometimes a parent lets one of their children move into the manse and the child decides to take design into their own hands.

Case in point: Dr. Phil. He is one of Hollywood’s highest-paid celebrity “doctors” with an annual income of some $95 million, proving that being a charlatan on television pays, but I digress. Back in January 2020, Dr. Phil listed his Southern California mansion for sale and the listing went viral, with people all over social media poking fun  at the home, so let’s pile on …

The first clue as to what lie behind it is the gate, which resembles a tangled mess of tumbleweeds and branches, but then you get beyond that and the house itself is your typical Southern California Mediterranean Spanish hybrid looking m-effer. As soon as you drive into the house’s driveway, you see a completely normal-looking house, a perfectly livable home that many people would be happy to buy if they had the nearly $6M asking price.

With plenty of space for cars to park and exit as they please, the gate seems to be the only strange feature of the home until you take a gander toward the front door … before, it was a lovely, manicured space and then some sort of vomiting worm fountain was added and it’s all down a rabbit hole from here.

But first, the pool and grounds; in the backyard there is a stunning tapestry of flowers and foliage, with Roman statues surrounding the pool, and a serene dining area under a pergola. 

None of this prepares you for what goes on inside, other than the new addition of a fish puking fountain, so with further ado …

The real estate listing has made note of the property’s “eclectic finishes” but that description doesn’t do the home justice. When you enter the foyer of the 6,170 square-foot home you are instantly the star of your own Tim Burton fantasy. At first everything looks pretty standard, even considering the purple swing chair at the door; and while the color scheme isn’t my choice, it is a choice.

And initially, the living room looks like a standard living room, a kind of nice room, until you realize that nothing matches, and the longer you look, the weirder it gets. It’s mix-matched mess, with custom art and animal figurines surrounding the fireplace, but according to the listing, these one-of-a-kind pieces can be kept upon purchase of the property; as if.

And then comes the Great Room where things really get odd. The chandelier is Disney Evil Queen Castle, but it sits beneath a Beetlejuice, Alice in Wonderland  black and white checkered dome. But then you see the staircase, draped in woody vines that climb up to the second floor, wrapping around the bar with stools that have antler-like backrests. And then there are the many neon art pieces and colorful ornaments that appear everywhere in the home.

This second living room, which was described on the listing as “the fireplace” room, has a post-modern art-deco vibe, but there was no editing done at all. It seems like the interior designer—I kid, like they used an actual interior designer—had so many ideas that they poured them all into this one room.

One thing to note is that nearly every space in the house features figurines of rabbits and bears with no explanation; you cannot walk through any room without some faux animal giving you a side-eye.

And the dining room, with its creepy hairball chandelier and weird orange bear standing guard is enough to make dining out a necessity. Between the patterned rug and the patterned chairs my vertigo has kicked in and I am no longer hungry.

Of course, even if I were hungry the kitchen is the last place I’d want to spend time doing meal prep and such. Tio be honest, I love a black kitchen, but the shellacked back mess of cabinetry makes me think Hannibal Lecter is the hired chef.

So, let’s go to the Billiards Room … well, perhaps not. Between the blue painted floor, which looks like the heavy pool table was dropped onto, created the white cracks around each leg and another Beetlejuice ceiling, perhaps it’s best to go to sleep.

The Primary bedroom, with its soothing blue walls, though they look purple in the second photo, looks like a nice spot to nap, though that odd desk thing in the corner has me thinking it’s where Nosferatu sleeps; and then you have the neon Cheshire cat and that, what is it in the corner, a cat tree?

Perhaps the Beverly Hills Hotel is in order.

So, there you have Dr. Phil’s hideous house, but in the interest of transparency, a representative of the McGraw family wants to make it clear that Dr. Phil himself has never lived in the home and as such is not responsible for the lunacy of the space.

No, that honor goes to Phil’s thirty-seven-year-old son Jordan who is the one living in the home, and the one responsible for all of the … sorry I vomited in my mouth a little … design choices proving, as I said up top, this is what happens when a rich guy gives his son a multi-million home to play around with, until; Daddy decides to sell it and has to spend millions making it look less Tim Burton and more Beverly Hills.

Not Fries