It's Snarkurday!

Over the years, we’ve heard talk of a Black Bond …Idris Elba … and I could get behind that, or in front of it, too. There was talk of Desperate Bond … Tom Hiddleston … but then Swifty ruined all that. There was even talk of Down Under Bond …. Hugh Jackman and his Huge Ackman. My thoughts are just to leave it on Hot Blond body Bond … Daniel Craig … for a while and, for the love of 007, stop with this Baby Bond Bull Shiz.

Baby Bond. Yup, Lee Smith, one of the editors on Spectre, says the next Bond should be Boy Band Bond, Harry Styles.

I see that going in One Direction … right down the loo.

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Sometimes you think the feud is over, and then an old ember sparks up and the kittens get their claws out again.

Let’s go back … before becoming a hip-hop success stories with his debut … Get Rich or Die Tryin’… Fiddy was an up-and-comer … no shade … who became known for calling rappers out by name on songs like “How to Rob” where he jabbed at Jay-Z, Ma$e, DMX and Big Pun. Now, at that time, Ja Rule was the bigger star and so naturally Fiddy began throwing shade at Ja Rule and Murder Inc. as a staff, record label and as a crew.

And that beef stew has been simmering since then, until last week when Ja Rule turned up the heat and put out a series of homophobic Tweets referring to his rap rival as, among other things, a “power bottom”:

“From now on everyone can refer to @50cent as #ticklebooty not fif not fiddy … #ticklebooty that’s his name call him it to his FACE he ain’t gonna do SH*T… and if he does sue him like he did me…”

And then, in response to a follower who thought “ticklebooty” was funny, Ja Rule Tweeted:

“Nah what’s funny is @50cent let’s women and MEN play with his butthole… that’s kinda funny.”

And clearly, Ja Rule wasn’t done with the Mean Girl stuff, because he kept it up the next day with:

“I really don’t see why people like 50 Cent aka #PowerBottom. He hates on any black man or woman having success… he hates on Diddy, on Jay, on Empire. C’mon how you beefing with Taraji???”

And then he went after Fiddy Fans:

“Haha i got you #ticklebootybandits maaad lmao that’s what I call @50cent Stan’s grown men coming on my page with another mans dick in they mouth your wives/girlfriends must be proud…”

Continuing: 

“Now I know why 50 Cent named his show POWER… #PowerBottom #TickleBooty”

Fiddy, oddly, is taking the high road and has yet to respond, but, seriously, Ja Rule, this is some tween boy in the locker room shiz.

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So, the Oscar nominations came out this week and the one bright shining spot for me was that James Franco did not get a nod. Now, is it because no one likes James Franco as much as James Franco, or is it because in recent weeks stories have broken about him being one of the pervy Hollywood types, and so Oscar gave him a slap? And do I care as long as we’ll have a Franco Free Oscars™?

Good Morning America spoke to two of the five women Franco ALLEGEDLY sexually harassed, and one says Franco is not a Weinstein-level predator … oh well then who cares because on a scale of zero to Weinstein … look, if he’s a predator he’s a predator. Luckily, the other accuser says he’s still a dick … possibly with a tiny dick.

So, Franco is doing damage control which consists of I didn’t do it but if they think I did kinda bull. And some on Team Franco are trying to play him as the victim, saying things like he is “not doing well” and that they are “really worried about him.”

Five women. He’s clearly not doing well because what he ALLEGEDLY did to these five women … and there may be more … affected his chances at Oscar and that’s what has him worried.

Too bad.

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The Queen is gonna have to buy another wedding gift because a few months after Prince Hot Ginger marries That American Girl, Princess Eugenie will marry Jack Brooksbank. And Poor Princess Eugenie, the daughter of Bad Duchess Fergie, might have a time of it all, what with Jack’s grandmother throwing all kinds of shade … and not at Eugenie, but at her own grandson!

Joanna Newton, Jack’s 91-year-old grandmother, thinks her grandson scored in getting a princess because he’s a bit of a dolt:

“I never thought he would get married to a royal. He’s a charming boy and all that but not the most intelligent and I would never have thought this would happen. I think it says a lot about Eugenie that it’s him she wants and it’s lovely.”

Grandma Shade! British Grandma Shade! I wanna sit next to her at the wedding!

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I am no fan of Justin Timberlake in any way shape or form, because he just seems so try hard and full of himself and a little bit squee…take that how you will.

He’s also a bit thick … Timberlake, who recently starred in the latest Woody Allen bomb, Wonder Wheel, was trying to be sort of squee on Twitter by asking this:

“Random question: Can someone please explain the saying, ‘You just want your cake and to eat it too.’ What else am I about to do with a cake??”

Well, Dylan Farrow, who is Woody’s adoptive daughter with Mia Farrow, and who has been speaking out about Woody’s ALLEGED sexual abuse toward her, wasn’t having Justin’s squee-ness and responded:

“The saying means, for example, you can’t support #TimesUp and praise sexual predators at the same time. You can’t retain your credibility as an activist (i.e. - retain the cake) and, at the same time, praise a sexual predator (i.e. - eating the cake).”

She’s referring to Timberlake wearing a TimesUp pin at the Golden Globes and yet praising sexual predator and adopted daughter marrying Allen.

Timberlake ignored Dylan because … what can you say to that and replied to someone else’s explanation.

“THANK YOU! Day changed.#StillPieOverCake”

Still an idiot, too.

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When last we left Class With The Countess author Luann de Lesseps, countess-less and twice-divorced, she was apologizing for getting so drunk in a hotel bar that she tried to have sex with a man in someone else’s room and had to be removed by the police.

Luann played the mea culpa part and vowed to seek treatment for her drunkenness but that may not be enough, and maybe a new book, In The Slammer with Luann is coming out.

It seems that de Lesseps is facing three charged for that whole Palm Beach fiasco: felony for resisting arrest, along with trespassing and disorderly intoxication.

First off, if a Housewife could be jailed for being drunk every incarnation of those shows would have a jailbird season, but still …

Orange could be the new Luann.

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Now that Gwyneth Paltrow is fully Consciously Uncoupled from Chris Martin and Consciously Coupling with Brad Falchuk, she is talking …and when Gwynnie speaks all kinds of crazy things are said.

Paltrow was recently on The Late Show and told Stephen Colbert all kinds of stuff about GOOP, even saying that some of the idiotic stuff she promotes is meant to be idiotic … I guess, at least until you throw coins at Paltrow and buy the stupid shiz and then it’s all good because she’s got the cash.

Yes, she thinks what she’s sells is stupid, but she wants you to buy it because she thinks you’re stupid, too. But this is about what she said about ex-husband Chris Martin:

 “He’s really like my brother. We’re very familial. It’s really nice. It’s great.”

Yup, her ex-husband, the man who screwed at least twice and fathered her two children is like a brother. And when Colbert brought up the whole ickiness of it all she actually said:

“Which would explain the divorce.”

Wow. I wonder how close she is to her real brother, Jake; I mean, is he like a husband to her?

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It looks like Ryan Murphy has one less Feud from which to pick from for his FX series future seasons: Patti LuPone and Andrew Lloyd Webber have made up …and not in some after-life dream sequence like Bette and Joan.

In.Real.Life.

The LuPone-Webber feud goes back decades, after Patti scored on Broadways in ALW’s Evita. So, enamored of LuPone was he, that he begged her to play Norma Desmond in the original London production of Sunset Boulevard and then bring the show to Broadway. But then ALW started an LA production of Sunset, starring Glenn Close, and suddenly Patti was out and Close was on the Great White Way as Norma Desmond.

And Patti found out not from Webber but from reading apiece in Liz Smith’s column; a feud was born. Patti threatened to sue, and they reportedly settled for $1 million, which she used to put a pool in her backyard …a pool she named the “Andrew Lloyd Webber Memorial Pool.”

For years, Patti crapped all over Andy, even dishing great dirt in her memoir about him.  Patti said she was leery of taking on Evita because of how hard it was to sing, and she felt like Webber hated women and loved torturing their vocal cords.

During a 2005 interview with The Washington Post, Patti came for his looks with this:

“And didn’t he look charming last night at the Oscars? All bloated!”

Then just a year ago, she went for ALW jugular in an interview with NY1’s On Stage:

“Webber is a desperate human being. He really is. He created a toxic environment because he didn’t get what he wanted. [The firing] had nothing to do with show business and everything to do with a man that is mentally unstable. And so it infected my life.”

But now all is forgiven, apparently, because Patti has agreed to sing Don’t Cry For Me Argentina during the Grammy’s tribute to Broadway this Sunday night, and she even met with Webber to rehearse the number. And no one was injured during the rehearsal; in fact, Patti started off by saying this, as the two came onstage:

“Hello, Andrew.”

She then turned to the security guards and a phalanx of bodyguards ALW brought and announced:

“This is détente, ladies and gentlemen.”

There were big laughs, Lloyd Webber and LuPone embraced … and went to work.

And a feud died.

Sigh.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Colin Farrell, on the size of his friend Ewan McGregor's penis:

"I don't think Ewan is as proud of his penis as most men who are as well hung would — or should — or could be. I think that's the greatest demonstration of his innate humility, that he doesn't wear it like a badge of honor."

Just the idea of sitting around chatting penis size with Colin Farrell — who need not worry about the issue — would be a fun way to spend an afternoon! I’ve seen Colin’s package and, well, yeah, he ain't got nothing to be ashamed of!

Andy Cohen, on Watch What Happens Live, scolding the Beverly Hills Housewives for the way they refer to their gay friends:

"Even though some of your friends might be gay which is great, they are not 'yours'. You do not own them. We are not cattle. We are not purses. And the next time you feel like saying 'my gays' replace it with 'my blacks' and see how that turns out!"

Bravo, no pun intended, Andy.

I, too, Heard that on the show this week and thought, “Wait! I’m an accessory for a self-indulgent rich bitch?”

Oh.Hell.No.

Marco Rubio, anti-gay Republican Senator from Florida, on the federal government's monitoring of private citizens in the name of fighting terrorism:

"This year, a new Republican majority in both houses of Congress will have to extend current authorities under the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, and I urge my colleagues to consider a permanent extension of the counterterrorism tools our intelligence community relies on to keep the American people safe."

Typical Republican.

Be on the lookout for “them.”

Jared Polis, openly gay Democratic Congressman from Colorado, calling on the US Intelligence Community to begin twenty-four hour per day monitoring of Marco Rubio:

"If Senator Rubio believes that millions of innocent Americans should be subject to intrusive and unconstitutional government surveillance, surely he would have no objections to the government monitoring his own actions and conversations. Senator Rubio is asking for American technology companies to ‘cooperate with authorities,’ so I believe he will have no objection to authorities being given access to his electronic correspondence and metadata.  Maybe after his 2016 strategy documents are accidentally caught up in a government data grab, he’ll rethink the use of mass surveillance."

Polis is on to something; if the GOP wants to keep tabs on everyone, and access all their info, let’s start with the GOP.

Madonna, instructing an interviewer that she'll make him shoot tequila if he asks her dumb question:

"If you ask me a stupid question, and I'm going to be the judge of that, you're going to drink a shot of tequila. If you ask me an amazing question that sets my world on fire, I'm going to drink a shot of tequila."

I think maybe she tried to get the guy drunk so he’d spin a positive review of her last album … which is sinking faster than Kathy Bates on a life raft in a cold Atlantic sea.

James Franco, tooting his own horn, again:

“Lee Daniels says that gay rights are the civil rights of our era, so I like doing a movie like Milk or Interior Leather Bar where I can bring themes and ideas I've been engaged with, and do it in such a way that those ideas are pulled into the mainstream more. I feel like that's my place: I can in some ways lend myself and say that these are important issues of equal rights, though on the other hand, I'm very much about preserving this queer kind of space of defying identity and defying labels. I think there are a lot of those themes in this movie as well.”

James Franco doesn’t do anything for any other reason than to attract attention to James Franco.

‘Nuff said.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Okay, so you’ve all heard about the Sony Email Hack? If not, here’s the tale:

Sony Pictures made a movie called The Interview starring James Franco and Seth Rogan as a couple of moronic — typecasting much? — reporters who are co-opted by the US government into traveling to North Korea and killing Kim Jong Un.

Assassination as comedy! Funny stuff. Well, North Korea didn’t think so — imagine how we’d feel if North Korea made a movie about assassinating our President … yeah — and called it an act of war, and then suddenly, Sony Picture’s emails were hacked and shown to the world; side note: North Korea denies any involvement in the hack.

Some of the emails bash Angelina; Leo, too. Channing Tatum comes off as kind of a dim-bulb. Scott Rudin is a jerk. That’s about it … or so we thought. The hackers, who call themselves the Guardians of Peace, released a statement saying they’re responsible for the hack and that there might be some kind of terroristic attack if The Interview opens as scheduled on Christmas Day; Homeland Security says the threat isn’t credible, and neither is The Interview.

So, did the hackers threaten us with an act of terrorism, or is the real act of terrorism another James Franco and Seth Rogan hot mess? You know where I stand …

Jon Hamm recently confessed that the reason you’ll never see him play a superhero like Superman or Batman or Birdman is because at 43-years-old he’s too old for that mess, He admits to being offered some superhero roles, but didn’t take them because he’s nearing the age where his superhero’s weakness will be Erectile Dysfunction and Clogged Arteries:

“The deals that they make you do are so draconian. And, of course, you are signed on for not only the movie that you are signed on for … but at least two more that you haven’t read and you have no idea what they are going to be and all the crossover ones you are going to have to do. For me to sign on now to do a superhero movie would mean I would be working until I am 50 as that particular superhero.”

But, BUT, if he took on a superhero role, might he play the Hammaconda? I’d wait in line to see that superpower!

Back to The Sony Hack, and more Diva behavior exposed. Oh, no, not from Mariah or Ariana or Nicki or Beyoncé, but from that other diva, Alex Trebek.

A recently released email shows that Trebek refused to give in to the demands of a stage mom, and told Sony he would end his 30-year run as “Jeopardy” host if they had a problem with it and it went down like this: 

During a taping of “Jeopardy! Kids” one contestant ran offstage in tears when she was eliminated. Well, her mother — and no, even though it sounds like her, it wasn’t Dina Lohan — was furious that La Trebek didn’t bother to help the girl, talk to the girl, try to calm her down, even though she eventually stopped sobbing and returned to the set to watch another episode as an audience member. But Dina, er, her mother wasn’t going to let Trebek off the hook, and complained about him in a letter to producers:

“If he had taken the time, he would have known, like you do, that my daughter is not a sore loser, and does not become emotional solely over losing a game. … She was upset about not being able to completely play the game to the end [and] I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for that.”

Producers responded by saying “Alex’s intentions were good” and that they would ask him to re-tape the segment to appease the spoiled brat of a mother, but … Trebek wasn’t having it and sent his own email to Sony:

“If you all think I should retape the opening, I will, but I want to say that for 30 years I’ve defended our show against attacks inside and out. But it doesn’t seem to operate both ways. When I’m vilified, corporate (and certainly legal) always seems to say ‘don’t say anything and it’ll blow over,’ and I’m not feeling support from the producers, and that disappoints the s—t out of me.  If I’m making mistakes and saying things you don’t like, maybe it’s time for me to move on. It’s not a threat, but I want to let you know how I’m feeling.”

The show was not retaped. Alex is still a diva, the child is fine, her mother, however, is seeing a shrink three times a week. I’m guessing.

I know Kim Kardastrophe is the most vain human being on the planet. I mean, who is thrilled beyond belief to have their ass on the front cover of a magazine? Kim Kardastrophe. So, it’s no surprise that she posted a photo on Instagram where you can clearly see a little sliver of NorthSouthEastWest.

That’s right! The Kash Kow cropped her own child out of a photo. But her explanation for doing so is the best part, as she Tweeted her explanation:

"Her eyes were closed and I was feeling my look! Can I live?!?!"

So, the baby was too tired to stay awake, but Mama was too involved in her own ‘look’ to put her down for a nap before snapping a selfie? 

That’s our Kardastrophe. Mother of the Year! Joan Crawford Edition.

Onto another Diva, Beyoncé. She recently released a retrospective video for the new re-release of her self-titled album and in it she talks about the woes of being famous and how as a celebrity no one views you as a human.

Hold up while I get a tissue. How hard it must be for her to be a multi-millionaire and a media whore — seriously, she uses the media like most folks use toilet paper — and how no one sees her as human because most humans don’t release videos of themselves whining about the hardships of their pampered life.

She also claims that no one knows who she is, not even herself, and talks about her mom, her craft, her weave, her clothes her jewels … My.Heart.Bleeds.

Someone needs to step off the pedestal.

Meanwhile back at Kim Kardastrophe and her recent revelations on what it was like to date Kanye West … before they married and began spending all their time apart. Kim shared their secrets to a healthy and happy relationship, saying it all started when they were dating:

“When we first started dating it was rude if we brought our phones with us out, so I learned from him not to bring my phone.”

But, Kim, gasp, how will you know if you’re trending if you don’t have your phone? How will you be able to chronicle the minutiae that is your life if you can InstaTweetBook?

“We have rules at the table. If we are eating at a restaurant, we’ll wait to do it (take pictures) when we are done eating.”

Wait. So, you’re having dinner with your boyfriend, turned husband, turned disappearing father, turned soon-to-be-ex and you can’t take pictures? Her head really is as big as her ass.

So, Lindsay Lohan is done with Speed-the-Plow but has decided to stay in London permanently, and that sound you hear is America breathing a sigh of relief.

In an interview with The Guardian Lohan talks about how she desperately wants to do another play and how she’s never, ever moving back to LA — and that sound you hera is LA breathing a sigh of relief:

 “In LA I didn’t know what to do apart from go out every night. That’s when my friends were free. And I would go out and there would be all these cameras there and that’s when it became difficult.”

It’s always the cameras fault that she got high and drove drunk and kidnapped people and stole jewelry, right? But, as I said, the good news is that she’s planning to make London her permanent home and do more plays because she’s an “actor” y’all, who spoke of the kind of work she wants to do over there:

“I would like to do a period piece at least. I enjoyed having a British accent when I did Parent Trap so I guess I am halfway there.”

Wait, am I the only who thinks when Lindsay says period piece she’s thinking menstruation in a corset? And, wait for it, she thinks that because at age nine she did a British accent so she’s halfway to being British.

I see Lohan stuffed inside a FedEx box being returned to America any day now because England didn’t order her and she doesn’t fit. But, I’m sorry, London, she’s yours now, and there is an upside: Lindsay doesn’t drive in London so the streets are that much safer.

More Sony fall-out? Okay … well, Aaron Sorkin has been all over the Sony Hack stories. There are lots of emails about Sorkin, like one from Amy Pascal telling people that he’s broke and dating some coworker, so he decided to write an NYT op-ed piece called “The Sony Hack and the Yellow Press” where he blames anyone and everyone for releasing and reading and talking about those private emails.

Well, he only feels that way because of what he says in his leaked emails, like the ones to Maureen Dowd — the NYT columnist and his ex-girlfriend — about the state of sexism in Hollywood and the lack of good roles for women.

Interesting topic, but what is most interesting are his own views on the subject. In an email that Sorkin sent to Dowd, he talks of Hollywood’s women problem, and of a Dowd NYT about Cate Blanchett’s Oscar speech where she took Hollywood to task for its treatment of women. In her column, Dowd quotes Sony bigwig Amy Pascal, who discusses the “paltry” amount women in Hollywood make versus men, and how female directors face a “mountain of rejection” and “the whole system is geared for them to fail.”

Sorkin liked the column, but said that he believed that “the degree of difficulty” in Blanchet’s performance in Blue Jasmine was “nothing close to the degree of difficulty” to any of the nominated male lead performances that year.

Yes, men work harder than women. But he goes on:

“That’s why year in and year out, the guy who wins the Oscar for Best Actor has a much higher bar to clear than the woman who wins Best Actress. Cate gave a terrific performance in Blue Jasmine but nothing close to the degree of difficulty for any of the five Best Actor nominees. … Phil Hoffman had to transform himself into Truman Capote while Julia Roberts won for being brassy in Erin Brockovich.”

I am imagining that Sorkin might have trouble lining up any actresses for his next project since they don’t work as hard, aren’t as talented, and should never make the same money as men.

The Sony Hack … it keeps on giving.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

By the time you read this Kanye West might already be married to his Baby Mama and future ex-wife, Kim Kardastrophe.

See, it seems the fame-whores want not one, not two, but three weddings, one for each month this marriage will last, I guess.

Their representatives are saying that the Kardastrophe-West’s will be married once in California, and twice in France — the California marriage is just so there will be no question about the legality of the French marriages, which will be filmed for TV because when you got your start on film with your legs in the air and an Open For Business sign above your vagina, everything else must be filmed, too.

Still, in the space of a month, Kanye West will have been married three times, and Kim Kardastrophe will be on her sixth wedding.

Yeah, this’ll last.

You just know Mariah Carey is jealous of Beyoncé because, well, she’s Beyoncé and not Mariah Carey. But I never knew her jealousy would lead to outright mimicry; or as Carey might call it, Mimi-cry.

Remember when Beyoncé stunned the world — or at least those folks in the world who care about Beyoncé, yours truly not included — by releasing a new album in the middle of the night with no advance word and no advance publicity?

Well, Mariah Carey wanted to do that, too, to show the world that she is Beyoncé’s equal, except that Mariah decided to tell people she was gonna release her album in secret, in the middle of the night with no advance publicity … except for telling us.

Mariah Carey is no Beyoncé; she’s Beyoncé-Lite, or Beyoncé-dumb.

Paul Simon and Edie Brickell, his decade’s younger wife — he’s 72, she’s 48 — were arrested over the weekend for some kind of domestic violence business.

It seems police were called to Paul Simon and Edie Brickell’s manse in New Canaan, Connecticut over the weekend after the two got into some sort of fight. Police investigated and cuffed the duo and both were charged with disorderly conduct. Chief of Police Leon Krolikowski said it was a family dispute that reached the level that required police to make an arrest.

I have a suggestion for Edie; the next time she and Paul are about to get into, just pick him up and put him on a High Shelf Time Out.

Or, for Paul. He could just take away Edie’s tambourine. For the love of God, take away her tambourine.

This has got all kinds of Icky on it.

Rumor once had it that diminutive singer — singer, I kid — Justin Bieber once cheated on his girlfriend Selena Gomez with model Miranda Kerr, best known as wife of, and baby mama for, Orlando Bloom.

Icky. Followed by Double icky … because now it seems that Orlando, though he’s divorced from Kerr, and Gomez, who, this week, is off-again with Justin, are doing the nasty.

Talk about a Daisy Chain Math Problem of STDs: Miranda + Orlando + Justin = Justin + Selena + Orlando. Solve for icky.

And speaking of Selena Gomez, she once was friend with Kardashian-adjacent Kylie and Kendall Jenner, until one of the Jenner girls also banged Justin. Then Selena dubbed them both toxic and cut them out of her life.

Good, only now those Jenner girls, who learned from the master — That Woman — how to keep your name in the press no matter what, are saying Selena is the toxic one and, well, my previous post has the math to prove it.

Selena Gomez recently cut ties with Kendall and Kylie by not only unfollowing them on Instagram — oh, that is so so painful — and also deleting the pictures she’d taken with them at Coachella. But now the Jenner girls are getting the last gossip snap by reminding folks that Selena has been to rehab and is a “drama-obsessed party girl.”

Here’s what happened: Selena schtupped Justin who schtupped Kylie or Kendall, or maybe both, and the girls, fools that they are, took their anger out on one another rather than going after the Tiny Pop Star.

Perhaps they could find a spot for Justin on that high shelf with Paul Simon?

A while back, we talked about the feud on the Glee set between divas Lea Michele and Naya Rivera, which caused one or both of them to walk off the set in a huff.

Rumor had it Naya was tired of Lea being a demanding diva, or that she had found out that her now ex-fiancé Big Sean had dipped his Little Sean in Lea’s ladybits.

Either way, it seems that Lea has the last laugh because rumor has it Naya has been fired, let go, written out, or not asked back to Glee.

In fact, rumor has it that the studio asked Naya for her parking pass, and then cleaned out her on-set trailer the minute the word came down.

Naya’s reps are calling bull shiz on the whole story, but the fact is that Naya was written out of the season finale and there’s no word on whether or not she’ll be back next season.

For me, though, that’s good news, because if you knew the Titanic was going to sink, and you had a shot at a lifeboat, wouldn’t you take it?

Ready for more icky?

James Franco, media-whore, and sore loser — he blasted a Broadway critic for not raving about his performance in Of Mice and Men, though no word on what Franco did when the Tony nominations came out and his name was absent — is kissing, and only kissing, and telling about Lindsay Lohan.

It all started with The List that someone on Team Lindsay — Hey Dina! — leaked and Franco saw his name as one of Lohan’s f**k-buddies. Now, Franco says he never schtupped Lohan — again, icky — though he admits there was some mouth-to-mouth germ swapping going on:

 “I will swear on anything you ask that I have never had sex with Lindsay Lohan. All right, we maybe kissed. It was lame. I can’t believe she put me on that private list, she’s so delusional! … When we made out it was so long ago. I was like a nice guy. Okay [I said], the kiss is enough.’ It was also like, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ She was young.”

Like that ever stopped him before —remember it was just last month when he tried to pick up a high school girl online — but then Franco claims that he woke up one night to find Lohan in his room ... or, maybe he had just passed out under a bar and woke up to find she had passed out next to him?

I’m a little over Jennifer Lawrence; she used to be cute and spunky and kind of America’s Edgy Sweetheart. When she stumbled and fell up the stairs to accept her Oscar in 2013, it was precious, but when she stumbled and fell on the Oscar red carpet in 2014 reeked of publicity stunt.

Well, it turns out that Lawrence was drunk at the Oscars this year, which may account for the stumble, and definitely accounts for the fact that she blew chunks while walking into Madonna’s post-Oscar bash right in front of Miley Cyrus, who ALLEGEDLY said, in her own Marlboro-gin-soaked voice, “Get it together, girl.”

You just know that if Mylie Cyrus is the one who thinks you’re out of control, you are out of control.

Remember Josh Hartnett?

Me neither, but apparently back in the early 2000s he was the next It Boy, and then he disappeared into a series of really bad films and “indie” projects for about a decade, until resurfacing this month on Showtime’s Penny Dreadful.

And now, when asked where he’d been, he didn’t talk about bad film choices, and low-budget straight to DVD messes, he says, with an apparently straight face, that he disappeared because he was so red hot in Hollywood that everyone wanted to work with him; in fact, he says he was offered every single superhero role that has come down the pike since 2001:

“Spider-Man was something we talked about. Batman was another one. But I somehow knew those roles had potential to define me, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be labeled as Superman for the rest of my career. I was maybe 22, but I saw the danger.”

Where’s Mylie Cyrus when you need her to say, again, “Get it together, girl!”?