It's Snarkurday!

I love a proud mom of a gay son, who just wants her boy to be happy.

I’m looking at you, Sally Field, who is trying to hook her gay son Sam Griesman up with Olympic darling … and America’s Sweetheart … Adam Rippon.

It seems that Sam and Sally were watching the Olympics and texting about Adam and how cute he is, and like every mom who wants her son to be happy, Sally decided to hook Sam up with Adam via social media.

After Sam posted the conversation with his mother, Sally tagged Adam on it and told Sam to …

“Find a way [to meet Adam].”

And now Adam has responded:

“Sally! She bold.”

And then he posted a message for Sam:

 “Sam, your mom – I admire her. And I’m sure one day we’re going to meet! So, thanks, mom.”

And I’m sure Sally will make that meeting happen … and she will be there!

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For years Jamie Foxx and his BFF Tom Cruise’s ex, Katie Holmes, have been bumping uglies dating but they almost never talk about it and are rarely seen together. But recently the two have been spotted holding hands on long romantic beach walks, but that just may be a hallucination, because Jamie Foxx will walk out on you if you bring up her name.

Recently, Foxx played in the NBC All-Star Celebrity Game and was interviewed by ESPN beforehand. He seemed in good spirits, but then interviewer Michael Smith asked about Katie, and the photos that surfaced of Foxx and Holmes playing basketball together on Valentine’s Day:

“I know you’ve prepared and I saw pictures. Did you and Katie Holmes play basketball for Valentine’s Day? Like some real Love & Basketball?”

Foxx instantly got his panties in a snit and had his assistant remove him from the interview as he refused to answer the question.

Note to self: don’t ask Jamie about Katie. Like that would ever happen because I could care less about the two of them, handholding or not.

Still, it was fun to see Jamie Foxx get all pissy.

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Speaking of love … no matter how many of you want it to happen, I don’t think Brad and Jen are gonna get back together.

Dry your eyes. According to sources—and it’s not La Jolie—Brad has not reached out to ex-wife Jennifer Aniston since her split from “bouncy jogger” Justin Theroux. But, Brad did say he was “sad” about the split: “Brad is of course sad to hear the news about Jen’s divorce. He only wishes the best for her. However, Brad hasn’t reached out to Jen, and has no plans to do so at this point.”

Again, dry your eyes, plus, there’s this …?

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Were Jen and Justin even really married?

Aniston and Theroux had a wedding at their Bel-Air manse in 2015, but TMZ says that they checked the marriage records in L.A. County and didn’t find a marriage license for them. TMZ says they went as far back as 2010.

Was it a wedding, or just a really expensive commitment ceremony?

Now, the now-unhappy couple could have gotten a marriage license in any of the 57 other counties in California, but several people close to Aniston say there have long been rumors that there was no legal marriage.

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Tribeca residents better be nice because Taylor Swift is buying up blocks of real estate in the area and, if they’re mean, they might be the target of an entire album of stupid pop songs about mean people.

Swifty just purchased a $9.75 million apartment at 155 Franklin St. where she already owns an 8,000-square-foot penthouse duplex; last fall she bought a three-story townhouse next door, at 153 Franklin, for $18 million.

And already the neighbors are annoyed:

 “We don’t need celebrities here that will draw the focus [of] the paparazzi or extra fan attention. [There’s already a] small swarm of teenage girls lurking and swooning outside [Swift’s home regularly].”

And clearly, that neighbor isn’t the only one irked at the Swift Invasion; days after Swifty purchased the townhouse, someone posted a flier that said—“Taylor Swift Can Go F–k Herself”—to  a Tribeca lamppost.

And brokers don’t like her either, it seems, because the firm of Douglas Elliman is suing her for unpaid commissions of $1.6 million related to the townhouse sale.

Wow; if this keeps up there will be several Swift albums about mean neighbors and bad realtors.

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On the other side of the coin, the side being the one where the star can no longer avoid real state purchases, we find one Lisa Marie Presley. Despite being the sole heir to the Kingdom of The King, Lisa Marie claims to be in debt to the tune of $16 million.

In her ongoing divorce from her third, or fourth, husband, Michael Lockwood, Lisa Marie claims she owes over $16 million, with more than $10 million of that coming from unpaid taxes between 2012 and 2015. Lisa Marie is also trying to unload her home in England ever since she defaulted on that mortgage—another $6 million. The rest of her money woes are tied up in credit card debt and unpaid attorney bills.

Lisa Marie’s financial woes came to light last year when she accused her managers of decimating her $300 million fortune. Now, she is ALLEGEDLY living rent-free with her daughter, Riley Keough, while her twin daughters are staying with Grandma Priscilla.

Lisa Marie sold off 85% of Elvis Presley Enterprises in 2004 for $100 million, but the estate still brings in $20 million each year.  If she’s not careful, Lisa Marie’s next home might be In The Ghetto or Jailhouse Rock or Love Me With Legal Tender.

Just a thought … why doesn’t Lisa Marie write those nasty neighbor songs for Swifty since Swifty is loaded; the Lisa Marie can pay off her debts and Swifty might actually put out a tune that doesn’t sound like something a cat coughed up on the rug.

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Talk about your odd couplings …

Queen Elizabeth II was front row … the f**king front row … at London Fashion Week and she was seated right next to Anna “Nuclear” Wintour!

The Queen surprised many who thought she knew nothing about fashion, and many in the crowd were certain Anna would bitchslap Her Royal Highness for those hats.

But the Queen of England and the Queen of Fashion played nice, and even smiled and chatted with one another, though I assume that QEII wasn’t exactly sure who Wintour was and why she didn’t take off those damned glasses.

I mean, the Queen had plenty of room in her bag to hold them if that’s what was worrying Anna.

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It's Snarkurday!

Lisa Marie Presley has been married ... a lot; I mean, we all know about the Michael Jackson sham and the Nicholas Cage crazy, but there are others; and that means she’s been divorced ... a lot, too. But normally her divorces are quiet and quick, until this current one—I won’t say ‘last one’ because ... it’s Lisa Marie—from Michael Lockwood, her husband of ten years, is getting ugly.

Lisa Marie and Michael have twin 8-year-old girls who are now in the custody of the LA County Department of Children and Family Services after Lisa Marie told the authorities that she found disturbing things on Michael’s computer ... something along the lines of child porn, though no one is really saying.

Lisa Marie says the images and videos made her “sick to her stomach” and so she called the Beverly Hills Police Department; using a search warrant, they found the questionable images and videos, and also confiscated 80 ... eighty??? ... of Michael’s devices.

Now the divorce is not just irreconcilable differences, but about the ALLEGATIONS of “sexual abuse and neglect” against Michael Lockwood and, while he wants spousal support, she is claiming to be broke.

Yup, Lisa Marie is broker than broke. She’s already gone through her $300 million inheritance from Daddy Elvis, owes $7.3 million to the IRS, is $655,000 in debt, and is living with her daughter Riley Keough and her husband.  

And, she says, her brokeness is ALLEGEDLY Lockwood’s fault because, again, she says, he stole from her and failed to make the payments on her English manor house and so she owes another $5.4 million there.

But, to be fair, this is what constitutes broke in Lisa Marie’s life: she receives $100,000 a month from her father’s estate and another $4,361 monthly for being the creative director at Graceland. Over 100K a month is broke? That’s almost $3,500 a day. I should be so broke.

Now, I don’t know if Lisa Marie is broke—okay, I know she’s not Bob Broke, she’s Presley broke—and I don’t know if her husband is some kind of Subway Jared perv, but I do know that this is one fugly split.

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Speaking of celebrity divorces, it now appears that after splitting up—perhaps because of Ben’s dalliance with the nanny—Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are finally, truly, really done being husband-and-wife.

Ben has moved out of the guest house and Jennifer is filing papers. I’m kinda glad because this marriage-is-over-but-he’s-living-in-the-guest-house-and-we-take-vacations-together mess has gone on too long.

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Poor Little Justin Bieber ... back in May 2016, an indie artist named Casey Dienel accused Justin and Skrillex of stealing a sample from her song Ring The Bell and using it without permission. So now she’s suing, but getting Justin to talk may be hard.

Bieber was scheduled to give a deposition last week, but didn’t even show up. He called in sick ... well, the nanny called in sick ... he couldn’t talk with the rectal thermometer in his mouth.

But Casey Dienel’s lawyers think he’s #FakeNews and say they have proof via several YouTube videos showing him partying with his friends in the early morning hours before his scheduled deposition... damn you, YouTube ... and then hours after calling in sick, Bieber, posted more pictures to Instagram of him drinking with his friends.

To be fair, no one ever said he was smart.

Casey’s lawyers are pissed, because they flew from Nashville to LA for the deposition, so now they want Bieber to give his make-up deposition in March in Nashville.

I imagine his excuse for missing that deposition is that he got locked inside the overhead compartment on the plane.

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Katherine Heigl had it made; she was the It Girl on Grey’s Anatomy back in the day, but then her head got too big and she ran from that show to make movies. A few were successful, but then even her films were bust so she went trotting back to TV. Her first foray of shame was in something called State of Affairs, which was cancelled about halfway through the first hour it was on.

So, don’t blink, because Heigl is back in a new show called Doubt and there is no doubt that it will die a quick death.

But this story is about her promoting Doubt on The Late Late Show with James Corden, and Corden saying he’d heard—or had been told, by Heigl—that John Mayer had something to do with her finding her husband and falling in love and blahblahblah.

See, about a month after Heigl and Josh Kelley started dating, she says that she didn’t know if he was serious, and so she started “hanging out”—banging—John Mayer; she swears they never “did it” but says she just used John  to make Josh jealous:

“[John] wasn’t interested in me in that way, but he would talk to me about like other hot girls and stuff. It was friends! But Josh didn’t know that. But Josh, to this day, doesn’t quite believe me ... But I did use it a little bit to put a fire under him. It was like, ‘Hey, if this isn’t exclusive and you’re dating other people, that’s fine, but I’m going to continuing seeing John.'”

Seriously, Josh was jealous of John Mayer? I mean, Mayer has banged garbage cans in LA and if Heigl thinks that’s an endearing quality to make Josh jealous then the two of them, the three of them, are crazy.

Or maybe Josh Kelley knew they were banging and sacrificed himself to save the world from a Heigl-Mayer spawn.

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Two years after Nicole Kidman escaped the cult of Scientology Tom Cruise, there were rumors she was dating Lenny Kravitz.  I remember hearing that and thinking, “Lucky bitch,” but neither Nicole nor Lenny ever confirmed it ... until now.

Nicole is starring in a new HBO series Big Little Lies and one of her co-stars is, small world, Lenny’s daughter Zoë Kravitz, and when Nicole was interviewed about the show and the other actresses and how they all knew each other, she said this:

“Well, I knew Zoë because I was engaged to her father. It’s all in the family! I love Lenny; he’s a great guy.”

Back in 2007, Nicole admitted she had been engaged to someone before marrying Keith Urban in 2006, but she wouldn’t say to whom ... and now we know.

Seriously, it looks like some celebrities don’t have to share their every moment with the media ... though this romance was back in the days before everyone had a smart phone and an Instagram account.

And again, I’ve seen the video of Lenny onstage and he splits his pants down the middle and so, again, “Lucky bitch.”

Even if it was a short engagement.

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Sometimes it’s best when athletes don’t speak; I mean, make your coins from your athletic prowess, but don’t talk, at all.

Case in point, Cleveland Cavalier Kyrie Irving who has just come out ... no, not that way ... to say that the earth is flat.  Oh, but he did; he said it on the Road Trippin’ with RJ & Channing podcast:

“This is not even a conspiracy theory. The Earth is flat. The Earth is flat. … It’s right in front of our faces. I’m telling you, it’s right in front of our faces. They lie to us.”

He says science is just opinion and that sometimes—shades of Hair Furor—they lie, because he did learn that the earth was round but found that to be a lie?

What the what? It got to be such a story in the NBA that even LeBron James weighed in, saying “if he decides he wants to say the Earth is flat, so be it. He’s an interesting guy, and he believes it.” 

What the ... ? LeBron? You need to sit down and rethink that statement because what you should have said was something along the lines of, “How cute, but the earth isn’t flat and science isn’t just some guy’s opinion.

And Irving? Child, you need to stop talking and get back to class.

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Harrison Ford is one of those movie stars who like to fly planes and for a while he was good at it. Then he flew one into the ground and seriously injured himself, and last week he ALLEGEDLY landed his plane on a taxiway instead of a runway at the John Wayne Airport in Santa Ana, California and nearly missed hitting another plane carrying 110 passengers.

And now his newest role is playing the subject of an FAA investigation because, as he was coming in for a landing on the wrong runway, he asked the tower:

“Was that airliner meant to be underneath me?”

And that answer would be, “No, fool! You aren’t supposed to be over that airliner!”

And, not only that, Ford also ALLEGEDLY misidentified what kind of plane he was piloting and was ALLEGEDLY broadcasting to the wrong tower!

I’m thinking Hans should no longer fly Solo.

See what I did there ... ah, who cares!

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Disney is doing live-action remakes of pretty much all their cartoons because M-I-C ... see ya real soon ... K-E-Y ... why, because we need the coins.

And now comes word that Disney will be doing a live version of The Little Mermaid and, color me crazy, but Lindsay Lohan wants to be the mermaid.

On her Instagram page, Lohan actually put a photo of herself alongside a picture of cartoon Ariel, and then announced that she wants Bill Condon to direct, and her sister, Ali, to do a song for the film, and that Kat Graham should play Ursula.

Sadly, were this version of The Little Mermaid be made, it would end up with Ariel in prison for killing someone in an undersea bar fight.

Seriously, Lindsay? Sit down before you fall down.

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Remember how broke Tori Spelling is? I mean, the IRS is after her, as are most credit card companies because Tori and her husband Dean McDermott don’t pay their bills.

And so what better way to try and get out of debt than to become pregnant with your fifth child and then ask your Mommy, Candy Spelling, to throw you a lavish baby shower. Nothing says I can’t pay my bills than a $40,000 party for a fetus.

Money that could have been used to pay off a credit card or, oh, I don’t know, maybe pay off Dean’s ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace, the one he left after he started schtupping the married to someone else, Tori.

See, Dean owes Mary Jo thousands of dollars in back child support for their 18-year-old son Jack, and after seeing Tori’s Instagram of the FetusFest, Mary Jo is expected to rake Dean’s ass over the coals next month in court.

But, hey, back child support, or a party for your fifth child?

Asked and answered.

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So, Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black became the Cute-Hot-New-Gay couple when they hooked up a few years ago, but maybe the newly out Tom should’a waited awhile before settling down, because, ALLEGEDLY, he’s kind of a photo-sharing, model-banging player.

See, Tom ALLEGEDLY sent a soft-core—it wasn’t hard, if you get my drift—porn video to a fan on Snapchat while, he claims, that he and Dustin were Ross-and-Rachel’ing it, i.e. they were on a break.

But he also had a bit of thing, and a couple of more things, with a model named Edward William whom he met on a London street. They started “hanging out” a year after Tom and Dustin became an item, and Edward has ALLEGEDLY “hung out” with both men several times.

But then Edward and Tom became “f**k buddies” whenever Dustin left town and for a year-and-a-half Ed was Tom’s booty call. Now, to be fair, some folks say Tom and Dustin have an open relationship so maybe Dustin knew?

But if he knew, and he saw that guy, wouldn’t he have gone off? I mean, I would ...

Edward and Tom stopped doing each other in 2015 when Tom got engaged to Dustin and Edward found a boyfriend who was less trick and more full-time.

Happy endings all around, or so it appears.

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It's Snarkurday!

Look, everyone knows that if you’re around Chris Brown, you’ll end up with his fist in your face, a chair in your face, or a pile of rocks thrown at your car when you visit him at anger management rehab. I mean, that’s why I turned down the job of Chris Brown’s Sock Folder.

But, apparently, Brown’s former manager/handler, Mike G, didn’t know that because he is now suing Brown for assaulting him.

You.Don’t.Say. Mike G was hired in 2012 to change Brown’s image from a girlfriend beating, chair throwing, rock hurling lunatic, and to get him out of debt and off drugs and says he performed his job admirably.

Really? Well, things ALLEGEDLY turned bad last month when, Mike G claims, Brown brutally attacked him and punched him in face and neck, and made him listen to a Taylor Swift song, all of which landed him in the emergency room.

The lawsuit claims Brown, rather than being sorry for being a dick, began mocking Mike G on social media and bragging to friends about the beating, even telling his roadies that if they got out of line he’d beat them just like he beat Mike G.

Look, I feel bad for Mike G, but, yeah, um when you’re hired to revamp the image of a man who beats girls and chairs and cars and has a drug issue, what exactly do you think might happen.

Again, that’s why I turned sown the Sock position.

I love to swear; I hear that only really smart people swear but I don’t give a f**k about that, I just love to drop every motherf**king, god**ned sh*tty curse word I can. Unless it’ll get me arrested … like it did to 50 Cent.

See, Fiddy was hosting an event in St. Kitts last week and ended up also performing his hit[?] song “P.I.M.P.” which contains some, um, bad words. Now, Fiddy was ALLEGEDLY warned ahead of time not to swear, because certain swear words are illegal in St Kitts.

Note to self: St Kitts is off the Bucket List.

Well, Fiddy ignored that whole “no swearing” thing since during his brief time onstage he repeatedly used the word “mother**ker” and so island police were waiting for him after the show to take him to Curse Word Jail, or something, where he was booked for using profanity in public.

Fiddy paid his fine — funny how he has the money for that but not for that lawsuit he lost — and returned home. His people released a statement saying that the concert was a success, and adding that the next time 50 Cent goes to St. Kitts, he’ll “leave the motherfuckers in the United States.”

Better yet, keep Fiddy at home and let the motherfuckers run rampant on St Kitts.

You know, 2013 was really Gwyneth Paltrow’s year; she was dubbed the World’s Most Beautiful Woman at the same time she was awarded the Most Hated Celebrity honor and topped the list at Star magazine of the 20 Most Hated Celebrities … beating out Lohan and Hilton and a slew of Kardastrophe’s, Taylor Swift, Kristen Stewart … Chris Brown.

And now, three years after those back-to-back hate awards, Paltrow is talking about them:

“First of all, I was like, ‘I’m the most hated celebrity? More than, like, Chris Brown?’ What did I do?”

And then, before waiting for the answer — which is “Look at yourself, you pompous self-entitled gasbag” — Paltrow proved why she’s so loathed:

“All I can do is be my authentic self. But I think there are things about me that make people draw conclusions. For example, there is the perception that I grew up very wealthy and that I was given, you know…that I was sort of raised with a silver spoon in my mouth, which inspires a lot of resentment.”

Um, you did grow up wealthy but that isn’t why people hate you; people hate you because you think the reason people hate you is because you grew up wealthy.

I’m still surprised she didn’t spin it that she’s the Very Very Best At Being Hated.

Nobody does it better.

Well, it looks like Chris Brown is getting sued again!

This week Suge Knight filed a lawsuit against Brown and nightclub 1OAK over Chris Brown’s disastrous 2014 pre-MTV VMAs party at the club.

The messiness started when someone tried to shoot Chris Brown but ended up shooting Suge Knight seven times instead and now, two years later, Suge is ALLEGEDLY still feeling the pain of those seven gunshots, including a blood clot. Oddly enough, though, there is some question over whether the blood clot is a result of the shooting at Brown’s party or any one of the other multitudes of times that Suge has been shot … like in 2005 when he was shot at a Kanye West bash.

The lawsuit also claims that the shooting is the reason why Suge fled the scene after hitting a man with his car during the filming of Straight Outta Compton; they want y’all to believe that Suge was so shook up from the shooting five years earlier and fled because he was “afraid for his life.” That man he ran over died and Suge is in jail awaiting trial.

So, I’m guessing the suit against Brown is because he needs coins for his jail card to buy smokes and porn?

One would think Suge would have learned to stay home.

Dance Moms star Abby Lee Miller is dancing the Don’t Send Me To Jail jig as fast as she can.

See, she plead guilty to bankruptcy fraud and failing to report bringing thousands of Australian dollars into the United States and was indicted on twenty counts of bankruptcy fraud, concealment of bankruptcy assets, and false bankruptcy declarations when it was learned she attempted to hide $775,000 in earnings from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and other projects.

The indictment also included the discovery of emails sent from Abby to her accountant with the subject line:

“LETS MAKE MONEY AND KEEP ME OUT OF JAIL”

The emails instructed her accountant to “not raise any red flags” and “DON’T PUT CASH IN THE BANK!!!”

Miller faces up to two-and-a-half years in prison. Funny, though, I always thought she’d get brought down for that Donald Trump Spray Tan she rocks and the Tammy Faye Bakker Make-up treatments.

Taylor Swift thinks she’s going to marry Tom Hiddleston — and I, for one, am sickened because I thought Tom had better taste than dating a Blow-Up-Kewpie Doll with no discernible talent other than being a perpetually prepubescent teenaged poetess—because, she says, “He’s the one.”

But, um, Swifty, wasn’t Calvin Harris “the one” about a half –minute ago before he Katie Holmes’d his way out of the Hello Kitty Cat Carrier you kept him in and fled at the first mention of marriage?

Take a break, TayTay, focus on you … then go away.

Well, well, well, Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from her fourth husband, Michael Lockwood, after ten years of marriage citing, wait for it, “irreconcilable differences.”

Lisa Marie wants full custody of their 7-year-old twin girls and monitored visitation for Michael. She’s not asking for any spousal support or child support, which is kind of a ‘duh’ since being Elvis Presley’s sole heir is the kind of thing that keeps your bank account tight for life.

This is Lisa’s fourth time in the Divorce Sweepstakes, though maybe two of those don’t really count because she was insane at the time of the weddings.

She was married to the father of her two older children, musician Danny Keough, for six years, but in 1994 she WTF Married Michael Jackson for two years or so, then slipped off his ring to put one on given to her by Nicolas Cage. Then she married Lockwood.

Like I said, two of those marriages shouldn’t count.

So, while Kim and Kanye battle Swifty over the line in his rap that he made TayTay famous, and wants to f**k her, one person is feeling very snubbed.

Paris Hilton has crawled out of the muck to remind us all that there would be no Kardastrophes if there was no Paris … Let me bask in that world for a moment … Okay … back.

See, an Instagram user … Instagrammer? … put up a snapshot that Paris is reposting all over the net from Kanye’s “Famous” video that shows Paris in bed with Kimye under the tagline:

“I made his bitch famous.”

As if we need another reason to loathe Paris and inch her up a couple of notches closer to Paltrow’s Hate Throne.

And, again with Chris Brown …

Lawsuits and lawsuits and now, his tour manager Nancy Ghosh quit after he ALLEGEDLY cornered her on his tour bus and unleashed a “threatening, drug-fueled tirade.”

That’s our Chris Brown! But Ghosh isn’t the only one to depart.

Apparently TMZ got their greasy little paws on a series of texts between Chris Brown and his now-former publicist Nicole Perna, who quit over Brown’s clothing line, Black Pyramid.

Nicole sent Chris this text:

“Loooove all the black pyramid pieces … awesome collection!”

Brown responded with:

“I don’t want you texting me compliments with no results.”

He then called her a “do-nothing bitch” for failing to get Black Pyramid featured in magazines like Vogue and GQ, but Nicole, who may have been annoyed at being called a bitch — some women are like that, and rightfully so — snapped back that Anna Wintour and other fashion editors don’t want anything to do with him.

Chris spit back that he doesn’t “give a fuck” whether she works for him or not and so Nicole went for “Not.”

And this was all going on at the time Chris was ALLEGEDLY assaulting Mike G because there’s a text from Brown to G that reads:

“Send this bitch her termination.”

But she was already gone, and Chris Brown will soon be left alone with no one to beat on except chairs and car windows.