The Funny Papers

Darrin Bell, Bill Day, Nick Anderson, Clay Bennett, David Horsey, Chris Britt, John Cole, Joe Heller

Ethan Couch, After Killing Four People And Not Being Punished, Has Run Off With His Mommy, Tonya Couch

Back on June 15, 2013, a sixteen-year-old Ethan Couch and some of his friends stole beer from a local Wal-Mart; they drank it all and then, with Couch behind the wheel, began driving around.

That same night Breanna Mitchell was driving home and her car broke down. Brian Jennings, a youth pastor, was driving by and stopped to help, as Breanna was calling a friend, Shelby Boyles, and her mother, Hollie, to come get her.

A drunken Ethan Couch plowed into the four of them, killing them, all; several others suffered severe injuries, including two passengers thrown from the bed of Couch's truck. Two of Ethan Couch's friends were critically injured; one was paralyzed for life. And three hours ... three hours ... after the crash a Breathalyzer test showed that Ethan Couch’s blood alcohol level was 0.24, nearly three times the legal limit.

Ethan Couch went on trial for the killing of four people with his car — though not for injuring and paralyzing his friends — and the judge in the case, Judge Jean Boyd [left], whom I must believe was paid off in some way, listened to the defense argument that Ethan Couch suffered from “affluenza.”

Yes, he was too rich, too spoiled, too unsupervised, to know that drinking a case of beer and then driving a car was wrong, and so Judge Boyd sentenced him to ten years … probation.

He killed four people, and injured three others, and he got probation; oh, and he never once, before the trial, during the trial, or after the trial, apologized to the families of the people he killed. He simply went back home.

Now two years later, and after a video turns up on social media showing Ethan Couch at a party playing beer pong — part of the child’s sentence was that he not drink at all — Ethan Couch has vanished, violating his parole.

And rumor has it that his mother, Tonya Couch, the woman who couldn't be bothered to parent her own son so that he grew up knowing that drinking and driving was wrong, or that if you kill four people you might wanna express some remorse, helped Ethan Couch flee. And, if found, and I so hope to the universe he and that mother are found, now, finally, Ethan Couch may actually have to go to jail for ten years; not for killing four innocent people, but for running away, mind you.

A warrant has been issued for Couch, and his idiot mother, with now both the FBI and U.S. Marshals joining local authorities to hunt Ethan and his mommy down. A $5,000 reward was offered for information leading to the arrest of Couch.

But Tarrant County Sheriff Dee Anderson is worried that Mommy and Son have left the country, since they have the means to do so, and a little bit of a head start. But Ethan Couch, even while on probation, loved his social media, and loved posting his picture online, so there is the hope that this little mother—boy will be caught and punished; and this time punished hard.

So, if anyone who reads this, anywhere in the world, happens to come across Ethan Couch, that little bastard, that murdering little prick, and Tonya Couch, that miserable excuse for a mother ... and that's the ugly duo up there at the top ... do the right thing: call the authorities and make Ethan pay for killing people, and make his mother pay for being a horrible excuse for a parent.

I Should Be Laughing

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Money Can't Buy Happiness, But It Will Buy Probation In Manslaughter Cases In Texas

[Clockwise from top left]:
Brian Jennings, Breanna Mitchell,
Hollie and Shelby Boyles

I remember being in high school and the nearly weekly weekend parties at someone’s house whose parents were out of town, out for dinner, or just upstairs ignoring us. There was almost always alcohol, there was always a drunk girl or guy throwing up; there was always drama.

My parents had a theory, though. They knew about the booze, and knew that, more likely than not, I might imbibe, so they asked that if I drank, that I call them for a ride home and not get into the car with a drunk friend and risk my life, or anyone else’s life, trying to get home. I never did that because I knew that calling my parents and telling them I was too drunk to drive would only get me into serious trouble once I sobered up. So, I made choices: I wouldn’t drink, and therefore get home all by myself, or I’d stay the night at the party and not drive until I had sobered up.

Apparently those choices never crossed the mind of Ethan Couch, or his parents, because he was too busy being spoiled and ignored by them to learn anything.

Ethan Couch: Poor Little Rich Boy

See, Ethan Couch is a 16-year-old Texas boy who went out one night and got drunk — his blood alcohol level was .24, three times the legal limit for an adult — and then drove home and caused an accident that killed four people. But this week, for the crime he committed, Ethan Couch was sentenced to ten years’ probation — with no time ­in jail — because Ethan Couch was himself a victim of a heretofore unknown illness called “affluenza.”

And yes, it is exactly what it sounds like.

The defense claimed that Ethan Couch was not responsible for stealing beer from a local Wal-Mart, getting drunk, getting into a car, and slaughtering four innocent people because he is a victim, the product of wealthy, privileged parents who never set limits for him, and he was obviously too stupid to realize that driving drunk was dangerous. The defense made special note that, in an earlier incident, Ethan Couch was not punished for being passed out drunk in a car with a naked fourteen-year-old girl, so he just didn’t know better; he just thought having rich parents meant you could do whatever you wanted to, and get away with it.

That night that Ethan Couch drank himself into a stupor and got into a car because his parents were too busy getting rich to parent him, Hollie Boyles and her daughter Shelby received a phone call from a friend, Breanna Mitchell, whose SUV had broken down. At the scene, Brian Jennings, a youth pastor, was driving past and also stopped to help.

They were all killed when Ethan Couch’s truck plowed into them, then struck a parked car, which then slid into another vehicle driving in the opposite direction. Two of Ethan’s friends, riding in the bed of his pickup, were tossed out and severely injured; one suffered internal injuries and broken bones, while the other will never be able to walk or talk again because of a brain injury.

But Ethan Couch is not responsible because his parents didn’t parent him. Defense attorneys think the parents should share in the blame because they never set limits on him, and called a psychologist to the stand to testify that Ethan Couch was a product of "affluenza." He reportedly testified that Ethan Couch’s family felt that wealth bought privilege, and that Ethan Couch's life could be turned around with one to two years of treatment and no contact with his parents.

Judge Jean Boyd

So, for the vehicular manslaughter of four innocent people, for the injury to two of his friends, for driving drunk, for being underage and driving drunk, Judge Jean Boyd sentenced Ethan Couch to ten year’s probation and removed him from his parents’ home. Couch will be sent to a private counseling center that costs $450,000, which will be paid for by his father.

Well, I guess it’s a good thing for Ethan Couch that mommy and daddy have money, though all that money and privilege can’t bring Holly and Shelby Boyles, Brian Jennings, Breanna Mitchell, and Ethan Couch’s  two friends back to their families.

I have always heard that people with money were treated differently, but I didn’t want to believe it. Now, though, it’s quite clear: money, even if it’s your parents’ money, can buy you out of jail for killing four people with your car.

Oh, but don’t fret, because Judge Jean Boyd, wants y’all to know that if Ethan Couch steps out of line even once, he’ll do real jail time for murdering people with his vehicle.

That makes me feel so much better ….

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