The Funny Papers

Jon Ostrove, Pedro X Molina, Robert Unell, Jack Ohman, Nick Anderson, Adam Zyglis, Daniel Boris, Michael de Adder, Max Espinoza, Lalo Alcaraz, Clay Bennett, Dennis Goris, Michael Ramirez, Gary Huck,

Minute Rant: That Woman

I haven’t commented on the Bruce Jenner Interview because, well, we were gone almost as soon as it aired. But I did watch it, and I was impressed; it was less sensationalistic and tabloid-y than the first couple of ads made it seem.

But one thing annoyed me …

Diane Sawyer noted that ABC had reached out to all of Bruce’s ex-wives for a comment, and the first two, Chrystie Jenner and Linda Thompson, had lovely things to say. Then Diane said That Woman had “No comment.”

Well, That Woman  was enraged and got into a TwitFight with Perez Hilton after he Tweeted:

“Kris Jenner has no comment for ABC news and the #BruceJenner interview. His other two ex-wives give supportive statements.”

That Woman  replied:

“@PerezHilton f–k you Perez no one asked me to comment ….and I’m sitting with Bruce now watching this show so let’s keep it real…LOL….”

And then she Tweeted this:

“Not only was I able to call him my husband for 25 years and father of my children, I am now able to call him my hero.” 

Nice, except then we learned That Woman was not sitting with Bruce as the interview aired; he was watching the show with his first wife so, um, yeah, That Woman is a liar.

Then she commented that ABC never asked her to comment on the interview, which seems odd that ABC wouldn’t ask her opinion of the story that her ex-husband was coming out as transgender when every single news source in this country asks That Woman to comment every time anything happens in Kardastrophe Town.

Now, Diane Sawyer has doubled-down on her claim that ABC contacted That Woman and got a “no comment” and ABC News is backing up Sawyer.

A statement issued to PEOPLE on behalf of Kris Jenner attempted to clarify matters: 

“Kris does not have official representation but a message was left at her office and she was asked for fact checking. Kris said she was unable to respond because she had not seen the special. She did not say, ‘No comment.’ ”

However, ABC is standing by Sawyer:

“ABC News sent an email to her publicity team more than once. They called and said no comment.”

That Woman is a boldfaced liar. When Kash Kow dyed her hair blond, That Woman released a statement. When people question Khloe’s ass That Woman releases a statement. When That Woman uses the toilet she alerts the media, and she expects anyone to believe that she was never asked to comment on the Bruce Jenner Interview?

Siddown lady.

Random Musings

Okay, so Brad and Angelina are getting married and a lot of gay folks are all up in arms because, once upon a time, Brad Pitt said they wouldn't marry until all folks--read GAYS--could marry.

Well, that was before they had so many children, who want their mommy and daddy to be married. And I think the needs of their children to have that sense of family supersedes our need to keep Bard and Angie single until we can marry.

They aren't any less LGBT-friendly, or any less Marriage Equality Supportin'.

They're doing this for their kids.

Which is their right.

Funny Tweet:

Anthony Wong, Chinese pop star, came out of the closet at the end of one of his concerts in Hong Kong, saying, “People don’t need to guess whether or not I’m a tongzhi [Chinese slang for homosexual] anymore. I’m saying, I’m gay. I’m a homosexual. G-A-Y.”

Welcome out, Anthony.

And please accept this Coming Out Toaster Oven and copy of the Gay Agenda from Homo HQ.

And, again, welcome out.

Newt is ending his bid for the presidency.

I know, I thought he quit months back, like, you know, before he even started.

But, most sickening of all, and Newt is sickening, this thrice-married, serial assistant-fucker, pathological liar, homophobic asshat and cat hater--I'm not really sure about that last one but it seems to fit--is still getting protection from the Secret Service.

At a cost of $40,000 a day to you and me.

Newt can take his fiscal conservatism and shove it up his ass alongside his political aspirations.

Okay.....I'm done.

Oh, Ted Nugent.

You ramble on and on,m saying stupid things, hoping to get a little publicity, and what do you get?

A canceled concert.

Yup. Commanders at Fort Knox have decided against allowing Nugent, AKA the "Motor City Madman"--a really fitting moniker--to take the stage at the base in June. This is just the latest fallout over Teddy's comments that he would be "dead or in jail" if President Barack Obama were re-elected.

But it isn't just Ted who's out of a job. He was performing alongside REO Speedwagon and Styx, who, I'm sure, are thrilled to be losing gig after gig because they chose to pair themselves with an asshat.

There is Free Speech, Teddy, and there are threats against the President.

Learn the difference.

Or, better still, shut yer yap.

Up in Minnesota, they hope to not be outdone by the lunacy that is the Tennessee legislature, by blocking a bill that would ban Medicaid for paying for ex-gay reparative therapies.

Yup, in Minnesota, Medicaid covers your visit to a homophobic crackpot.

Marcus Bachmann must be doing his happy dance, in boa and heels no doubt, because he can make more money off Medicaid for being a self-loathing, closeted homosexual who believes in praying away the gay.

Okay, I don't really have anything against Ann Romney, millionaire stay-at-homes-mom.

But, well, she's out  'campaigning' for Mittsy, but at most stops she spends a great deal of time thanking people for their prayers in her fight against MS and breast cancer.

In fact, she discusses her health issues quite a lot and I find it offensive.

First off, rather than talk about your health issues, tell us, please, oh Missus Millionaire, how your husband, if elected :::forgive me for giggling:::: will help the average American battle those same issues without health care?

Huh? Is that crickets I hear?

And another thing, if you're going to 'campaign' for Mittsy, talk about Mittsy. Tell us what he'll do, how he'll do it.

Leave your personal stories for your biographer.

It's a campaign, not a support group.

Note: I feel bad for her health issues, but I am sickened by her use of them in campaign speeches. We don't elect presidents because their wives have been stricken with MS or breast cancer, m'kay?

Okay, I'm done.

Funny Tweet:

Meanwhile, back at Mittsy.

He's crowing about his recent sweep of FIVE states in the GOP primary.

Crowing.

But, um, Newt had dropped out, Santorum had already quit, and Ron Paul is, well,  Ron Paul.

So, it would be expected that he would sweep.

It ain't a victory Mittsy when you're racing against no one.

Don't Trust The B____ in Apt 23.

Um, ABC, and the team of comedy writers responsible for this dreck?

It's not that I don't trust her, it's just that she's not funny.

And you replaced Happy Endings, a truly funny irreverent comedy with this schlock?

It's more like Don't Trust the ABC On Your TV.

And, of course, more on Mittsy.

There are some who are saying that his hiring of openly gay, serial asshat Tweeter Deleter, Richard Grenell is a sign that Mittsy plans a shift more toward the center if elected ::::sorry...giggle fit again:::: especially on LGBT issues since Grenell supports marriage equality.

Really? Folks are thinking Mittsy might change his opinion on the issues just to get elected?

Why ... I ...don't ... believe ... it

Mittsy? Flip-flop? Just to get elected?

In his case, he is less flip-flopper and more pandering asshatted liar who will do and say anything to get elected. You can't go from the middle to the right and then back to the middle again without people wondering what your motives might be.

There's a reason you can't spell his name without m-o-n-e-y.

Ryan Seacrest.

Why?

He has no discernible talent and yet he's all over the freakin' TV.

Why?

That's all.

Dan Kloeffler Comes Out, Too!

And we have Zachary Quinto to thank for it.

For it was while reporting that Quinto had come out that Dan Kloeffler, ABC's World News Now anchor, revealed that he is a gay man.
Kloeffler later wrote a blog post about his admission on the ABC News website:

"Kind of a big moment for me while filling in on World News Now, which is by far the most fun you can legally have at 3:00 in the morning! Yunji de Nies and I were talking about celebrity headlines, when I read the story about Zachary Quinto, who played Spock in Star Trek, coming out as gay in a magazine interview. Because WNN is a show where you can offer some personality, I had a little fun with the story saying that I would drop my rule against dating actors.I’ve never shared that I’m gay on-air, even though I’ve been out to my family, friends and co-workers for years. In fact, an old boyfriend – now best friend – has always given me a hard time about not doing so. But for the same reason that Zach decided to come out, I too, no longer wanted to hide this part of my life.There have been too many tragic endings and too many cases of bullying because of intolerance. As a kid I wanted someone to look up to, someone that could relate to the feelings I was having. Most of all, I wanted to know that it would get better.And it did.As a journalist, I don’t want to be the story, but as a gay man I don’t want to stand silent if I can offer some inspiration or encouragement to kids that might be struggling with who they are."

Welcome out, Dan, and the kind folks at Homo HQ will also be sending you a copy of The Gay Agenda, and the obligatory Coming Out Toaster Oven.
In all seriousness, this is how it works. One of us comes out and it spurs another to follow suit, in order to be happy in their lives, in order to take a stand, or in order to end the silence that living a closeted life brings.
Once again, Dan, Welcome Out!


via The Advocate

Take A Little Time To Enjoy The View...And Tell Them To Get Their Facts Straight

GLAAD ain't happy with Barbara Walters and The View.

Well, not so much Walters, since she was off that day, but with dimbulb Sherri "I believe the world is flat" Shepherd and guest host D.L. Hughley. In fact, GLAAD has taken out this full page ad in Hollywood trade magazine Variety blasting The View.

It seems that during the June 22 episode of the show, cohost Sherri Shepherd and guest host, comedian D.L. Hughley, blamed increased HIV rates among straight African American women on black men who are secretly gay, AKA "on the down low."

D.L. Hughley: "When you look at the prevalence of HIV in the African American community, it's primarily young women who are getting it from men who are on the down low."

Sherri Shepherd: "It's so big in the black community with women because they're having sex with men who have been having sex with men."

Well, guess what D.L. and Sherri? You're wrong. The Variety ad, cosigned by the Black AIDS Institute and the National Black Justice Coalition, reads in part: "The Centers for Disease Control has publicly disproven this myth. And since June 22, thousands of people have written to ABC, asking that The View provide correct information to viewers. Unfortunately, those requests have been greeted with silence from both ABC and The View."

Shame on you.

It's okay to have a View, but at least get the facts straight.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Is The Dumbest Person In The World

Elisabeth Hasselbeck tried to take on Kathy Griffin on The View yesterday because, apparently, Kathy has said unflattering things in the past about The Hasselbitch.
Like what?
I mean, like.....Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a right-wing-nut-fuck-tard-with-the-moral-superiority-of-an-anal-wart-and-the-self-righteousness-of-a-priggish-bitch.
Like that?
Note to ABC:
If this is your idea of a host for one of your most-watched shows, a woman who yawns while a guest speaks, who refuses to look at a guest, and then bitches and moans about a guest, you ought to think twice.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a complete moron.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck has s**t for brains.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is rude.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is over-the-top holier-than-thou.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck should go.
Kathy Griffin made fun of Elisabeth Hasselbeck?
Really, it's not like it's a hard thing to do.

I Didn't Say It.....

ABC, on the recent flap that gay couple Cameron and Mitchell do not kiss on Modern Family: "Cameron and Mitchell are a loving, grounded, committed, and demonstrably affectionate couple and have been from the beginning of the series. It happens that we have an episode in the works that addresses Mitchell's slight discomfort with public displays of affection. It will air in the fall and until then, as Phil Dunphy would say, everyone please chillax." Jake Gyllenhaal, on bulking up for The Prince Of Persia: “The Jake Gyllenhaal workout plan…starts with growing long, long hair. Very long…gorgeous greasy locks and then washing every day….Wash, shampoo, then condition. Washing works the biceps and then the triceps by conditioning. And vigorously rubbing all of your body with soap really defines the abs and the pectoral muscles. And if you do squats while you’re bathing — that’s it!”

Andrew Sullivan, on Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan's alleged homosexuality: "Is Obama actually going to use a Supreme Court nominee to advance the cause of the closet (as well as kill any court imposition of marriage equality)? And can we have a clear, factual statement as to the truth? In a free society in the 21st Century, it is not illegitimate to ask. And it is cowardly not to tell." Out lesbian Cynthia Nixon, on her partner, Christine: "She’s basically a short man with boobs. A lot of what I love about her is her butchness. I’m not saying I fell in love with her in a sexually neutral way. I love her sexuality—it’s a big part of what I love about her—but I feel like it was her. It wasn’t something in me that was waiting to come out. It was like, This person is undeniable. How can I let this person walk by? Christine would probably kill me for saying this, but my daughter said one time that if you really had to break this down, [it looks like] she would be butch and I would be femme…but really once you get to know us it’s really the opposite." Cougar Town co-creator Bill Lawrence, on his just announced decision to change the name of the show when it comes back next fall: “You would be hard-pressed to watch the last three episodes of the show and asked anyone for titles I doubt anyone would say ‘Cougar Town.' Partly as a result of common sense and partly from [the studio's] research, they find too many instances of testing of people saying they would never watch a show called Cougar Town — ‘I don’t want to see some show about a 40-year-old woman nailing younger guys.' And then they screen an episode, and people go, ‘Oh, I would watch this show.’" How does The Girl From Friends Who Isn't Jennifer Aniston's New Show sound? Kristin Chenoweth, in response to Ramin Setoodah's Newsweek article in which he claims that gay actors cannot convincingly play straight roles: "As someone who’s been proudly advocating for equal rights and supporting GLBT causes for as long as I can remember, I know how much it means to young people struggling with their sexuality to see out & proud actors like Sean Hayes, Jonathan Groff, Neil Patrick Harris and Cynthia Nixon succeeding in their work without having to keep their sexuality a secret.No one needs to see a bigoted, factually inaccurate article that tells people who deviate from heterosexual norms that they can’t be open about who they are and still achieve their dreams. I am told on good authority that Mr. Setoodeh is a gay man himself and I would hope, as the author of this article, he would at least understand that. I encourage Newsweek to embrace stories which promote acceptance, love, unity and singing and dancing for all!"

Oscar Stream Of Consciousness.....Or Unconsciousness Because It Was So Effin' Long

What a stage....Glammed beyond belief....You know from the moment you see it that The Gays are in charge....It looks like one of Crawford's old dressing rooms....Without the wire hangers!....And then the music starts and we have Steve Martin and Alec....what?....N-freakin'-PH!....Brilliant!....NPH is opening the show with another fabulous dance number....Yes, Virginia, it will be especially gay!....NPH does The Oscars!....He does The Emmys!....He does The Tonys!....Whatsammatta' you, Grammys?....You ain't got no NPH love?....Big finish and then Steve and Alec descend from the rafters like Glinda the Good Witch coming to Oz....car....The jokes riff....Ba-da-bing....Ba-da-boom...They're like an old-time vaudeville act....This show needs to go on the road....There start on people in the crowd....George Clooney looks unamused, but then he can't help but smirk....Meryl Streep?....Is she "The Most Nominated Actor Ever?" Or merely "The Biggest Loser?.....Loved it....."There's that damn Helen Mirren."...."You mean, Dame Helen Mirren."....Steve tells us that he and Gabby Sidibie share something in common....In their first films they both played "poor black children."....Quentin Tarantino smirks from the crowd...Rumpled Pigskin, that man....Penelope Cruz does BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR....I will ask again...When the eff is she gonna stop with that whole "I don't speak English very well" crap....Seriously, Pen, you've been making movies for twenty years...You can speak English....The award goes to Christopher Waltz...Tucci was robbed....Flash forward his rambling speech to....HOT FLASH....Ryan Reynolds....HOT FLASH....Cameron Diaz, still looking clean'n'sober, and Steve Carrel, who's kinda cute....BEST ANIMATED FEATURE......UP!.....Pete Docter.....Blibbety Blah Blay Blue....Move on....Amanda Seyfried and Mylie Hooker Cyrus...Mylie flubs her lines because they aren't the kinds of lines she's used to doing...Then covers by saying she and Amanda are nervous...Note to Mylie: Amanda didn't flub her lines....You did....Hack....BEST ORIGINAL SONG....from Crazy Heart....T-Bone Burnett....One of the coolest dudes...HOT FLASH....Chris Pine....HOT FLASH.....Robert Downey Jr and Tina Fey....He's hot...She's funny....I'm intrigued....BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY....The Hurt Locker....Tarantino didn't win....That's kind of a win for me....Is that Jane Seymour in the audience?....How did she get in?....Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick intro a tribute to the late John Hughes...Then we have Molly, and Matthew....and Macauley Cuklin looking like a gown-up version of his nine-year old self....and Judd Nelson, taking over Cammie's rode-hard-and-put-away-wet style of awards show appearance....Anthony Michael Hall looking like he's a good twenty years older than his former co-stars....and Ally "What happened to my career?" Sheedy....Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner....those Twi-frights...intro a Horror retrospective....About Kristen Stewart...Could she have less class?....Cough Hack Spit....Could she look like she'd rather be anywhere else?....I know her acting style is sullen and morose, but judging by the way she looks and acts in public....She isn't acting....I have some advice for you, Kristen, dear....If getting dressed up and going to the Oscars is not your idea of a good time...And the look on your face, and you're "I'm so over this" demeanor, bears witness....Then go back to Dairy Queen and work the sprinkles.....Taylor?....Honey?....You're coming off gay....Not that you are....I'll give you two pings on the gaydar....:::pingping:::....But you're coming off gay.....You look scared to death to be standing by a girl....Carey Mulligan.....Little English Pixie and Zoe Saldana of the ISBL Hideous Dress Award.....BEST ANIMATED SHORT....Logorama....When did they stop saying "And the Oscar goes to...." and go back to "The winner is.....".....Meryl looks bored.....I get it.....BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT....Music By Prudence....Roger Ross Williams....:::pingpingping:::....and Elinor Burkette who Kanye's the mic from his and starts blabbering....Apparently they're suing one another and couldn't decide on who would accept the awar....She says he used his 87-year-old mother to block her from the stage....Aaaaaah Hollywood....BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT....The New Tenants....Ben Stiller and The Most Obvious Joke Of Oscar 2010....Full-on Avatar make-up....Even he looked embarrassed to be up there, clicking and clacking in Avatar's made up language....Hey Ben?....That sound you hear is a joke dying....On some far off planet where the people are blue because they don't have a sense of humor....BEST MAKEUP....Star Trek....Apparently Spock ears and Klingons are still winning awards four decades later....Rachel McAdams and....HOT FLASH....Jake Gyllenhaal....HOT FLASH....BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY.....Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire, aka The Longest Title Ever When A single Word Would Have Sold The Movie Just As Well....Queen Latifah....BBW....But, c'mon, come out already.....No one cares.....Lauren Bacall.....She knows how to work the facelift....She still looks like Lauren Bacall.....Robin Williams presents BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS....Mo'Nique....Precious....This is great....The Great Tomato, aka Sigourney Weaver....BEST ART DIRECTION....Avatar...."Two world renowned clothes whores."...."Horses. Clothes. Horses."....."The plural of whores isn't horses.".....Tom Ford and SJP....BEST COSTUME.....The Young Victoria....Charlize and The Boob Dress....Zac Efron.....He's just hair, really, and not a lot more...There are a dozen of him in Smallville on any given day....and Anna Kendrick....BEST SOUND MIXING.....The Hurt Locker....Elizabeth Banks talks the Sci-Tech Awards....I go for more Iced tea....Travolta....:::pingpingping:::....and his bad rug....Tarantino is a fist pumping ass.....Sandra Bullock....Best Cinematography....For her, the cinematographer's Job One is to make Sandy look good.....Avatar....Demi Moore crawled from her Plastic Surgeon's Crypt to present the 2010 Death Watch....The career still working for you, Demi?...Tweet that....It was a good song, though....James Taylor.....Always welcome....But they left out Farrah Fawcett.....Bad gays....JLo and Sam Worthing-yum....ORIGINAL SCORE.....Oh god, a dance number....But those kids are good....In the audience, Penelope Cruz looks confused, because she doesn't speak English well so she can't understand The Dance....Up!...Gerard Butler and HOT FLASH....Bradley Cooper....HOT FLASH....BEST VISUAL EFFECTS....Avatar....HOT FLASH....Matt Damon....HOT FLASH....BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE....The Cove....About dolphin slaughter...One of the winners goes all political with a "Text Dolphin to 44..."....Quick cutaway.....To a couple who look like they thought they were attending the Goldman bar mitzvah.....Tyler....:::pingpingping::::....Perry....BEST FILM EDITIING....The Hurt Locker.....Keanu Reeves and that Damned Beard....HOT FLASH....Jeremy Renner....HOT FLASH....Pedro Almodovar and Quentin Tarantino....Almodovar speaks very rough English while Tarantino speaks only Pompous Ass....And he looks like he slept in his suit in an abandoned car on Hollywood Blvd....BEST FOREIGN FILM....The Secret In Their Eyes....BEST ACTOR.....They trot out five "friends" of the nominated actors to sing their praises....Michelle Pfeiffer...I'd like to say I'd go straight for her but who am I kidding.....She talks up....HOT FLASH....Jeff Bridges....HOT FLASH....Tim Robbins intro's Morgan Freeman....Julianne Moore gives us Colin Firth....Vera Farmiga goes all George Clooney....and HOT FLASH.....Colin Farrell....HOT FLASH.....Gives us Jeremy Renner and the story of the two of them sharing a bed in Mexico and how they got drunk and then they don't really remember......Okay....I'm back.....Kate Winslet going all Veronica Lake glam gives the award to Jeff Bridges.....Great speech....Keeps talking to his parents and their showbiz blood....Well deserved......BEST ACTRESS....Michael Sheen talks queens, and Helen Mirren and spider tattoos....The Tucci gives jabs to Meryl Streep....Something about making it a rule you can't be nominated again after sixteen times.....Peter Sarsgaard praises costar Carey Mulligan....Forest Whitaker recalls directing Hope Floats with Sandra Bullock...and Oprah talks about Oprah, and a little about Gabby Sidibie.....Sean Penn presents the award to Sandra Bullock....I'll admit I teared up.....It was weird to hear them say it was her first nomination and first win when she's been in movies for so long....Well deserved.....Barbra Streisand enters to trumpets and gives the BEST DIRECTOR to...Kathryn Bigelow...The Hurt Locker....Amazon and first woman to ever when a Best Director nod.....'bout effin' time......Then Tom Hanks walks out and....slam bam thank you ma'am....BEST PICTURE.....The Hurt Locker....James Cameron looks a little stunned....I look a lot happy....So.....Let's recap.....I didn't have too many high hopes for the DUO EMCEE nonsense, but Martin and Baldwin were fantastic.....NPH was genius.....All the people you thought would win, did win, but it was still nice to hear their speeches......Tarantino lost....Cameron lost.....Life is good.