I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Well, Constance Wu seems to be loving her diva attitude … at least until the phone stops ringing and she stops getting hired.

Now the Crazy Rich Asians and Fresh Off the Boat ‘star’ is accused to sh*tting all over a rented penthouse. Well, to be fair, Wu rented the penthouse and then allowed her pet bunny—oh, isn’t she just so twee—roam wild around the space and take dumps wherever it pleased.

Wu rented the $6.5 million Chelsea apartment in NYC while she was filming Hustlers with JLo and, without the owner’s consent, she brought along her pet rabbit, Lida Rose, who proceeded to defecate and pee freely all over the place.

A housekeeper—hired by the owner to clean once a week—noticed the piss-and-shiz show and told the owner, who warned Wu to keep her pet in its cage, but Constance Wu only cares about Constance Wu so she ignored the warnings and the defecation continued until the owner eventually called Wu’s management and threatened to throw her out.

Wu is not talking because she’s an irresponsible egotistical wannabe star who will be a has-been before you know it … with a bunny who poops in a cardboard box under an LA overpass.

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If you’d ever thought that the Kardastrophe Koven was just a petri dish of incestuous relationships, you’re right on the mark.

Tyga, who is Kylie Kardastrophe’s—let’s face it, she’d lose the Jenner as fast as she could if given the chance—ex-boyfriend, was once married to Jordan Craig.

Jordan Craig has a child with Tristan Thompson.

Tristan has a child with Khloe Kardastrophe.

Tyga also has a kid with Blac Chyna.

Blac Chyna has a child with Rob Kardastrophe.

Do those people not know anyone else they can date or impregnate or be impregnated by?

That whole Klan needs a Silkwood Scrubdown™.

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When a family has spent decades relying on one person to pay their bills and buy them shiz, what does that family do when the Coin Machine™ is dead? Send them out on the road as a hologram.

Yes, Dead Whitney is going on tour because the Houston family needs the coins. Despite the fact she’s been dead for seven years, Whitney Houston’s estate is planning on releasing a new album and sending Whitney out on tour in the form of a hologram.

Estate executor, and sister-in-law to Dead Whitney, Pat Houston has plans for a Dead Whitney album, a Dead Whitney Tour, and a Dead Whitney Broadway musical because even a Dead Whitney makes more money than Pat Houston, or the family.

Funny thing, though, in 2016 there was supposed to be a duet between Dead Whitney the Hologram and Christina Aguilera, but Pat put the kibosh on that because it was tacky. I think they thought it was tacky because Christina would get some of the coins and the Houston’s want all of them for themselves.

It’s all about the coins that can be made off selling your dead family member,like Whitney Houston: Dead In Concert!

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So, to recap … two years ago Real Housewives of New York City‘s very own ex-Countess and wannabe singer Luann De Lesseps was arrested for trying to have sex in an empty hotel room and then attacking the police officers dispatched to haul her drunk ass to jail.

To avoid jail time. Luann agreed to go to rehab, and, to be fair, she did complete that stint, only to be released and start a new life as ex-con, ex-countess, ex-drunk cabaret star Luann De Lesseps.

But then she had a relapse and was sent back to rehab where she stayed for less than three weeks before leaving to take her act—whatever that is—on the road.

And that brings us to her third strike; Luann recently violated her probation by admitting to her parole officer that she’d had some cocktails after one of her recent “shows”. She says she just had mimosas, which aren’t really drinks, unless you’re a three-time arrestee who can’t stay sober for more than a few months at a time.

And the judge who heard her sob story was all, Sorry, bitch, and put her in handcuffs. Luckily, she wasn’t taken to jail, but  she was hit with more conditions added to her probation …

She will have a breathalyzer in her car, making it impossible for her to drive drunk, for which America thanks the judge; she will be getting weekly telephone counseling sessions, for which she cannot use the bartender at the nearest Red Lobster; she will have monthly in-person meetings with a psychiatrist; and she must start taking the prescription drug Antabuse, which treats alcoholism by giving Luann the effects of a very severe hangover should have even one drink … including a mimosa.

Luann’s representative, which may or may not be one of her drinking buddy backup dancers, told the media:

“She looks forward to completing the last couple months of probation and putting this entire situation behind her and moving on with her life.”

Funny, that’s what she said the first time she got arrested, and then when she went to rehab, and then when she fell off the wagon and went to rehab again.

It’s the same old song. Hey, maybe she could find a spot for that in her cabaret act?

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Boy George is a bit of a diva, though nowhere near Wu-level diva-ness, but … as a judge on The Voice Australia one contestant got under the Boy’s skin and he was off … literally.

During the blind auditions 20-year-old Daniel Shaw sang Beneath Your Beautiful while playing the piano, and it made all four judges—Kelly Rowland, Guy Sebastian, Delta Goodrem, and Boy George—turn their chairs and hope he’d pick them. Boy George asked if Daniel played guitar, and Daniel replied:

“I can play guitar, but no one really cares if I play guitar.”

Now, there was a touch of rudeness there, and Boy wasn’t having it. He asked:

“No one cares?” 

When Daniel shook his head, Boy George said:

“I do.”

Then he suggested Daniel pick any other judge, grabbed his phone and left the building!

Of course, though, because there's a contract and a check involved, the Boy came back and claimed he’d misheard Daniel.

“I just misheard what was said, and I just went, you know when you go in the moment? I am kind of fine now and I’m a bit embarrassed. I’m cool, I’m not annoyed, I was just annoyed in the moment. I’ve got to go and find somewhere not to be embarrassed. I’ll have to be tied to my seat.”

Now, to be fair, that’s not high gossip, because he came back, but it does give me a moment to share my favorite Boy George story: years ago, during the height of Culture Club realness, Boy was in Japan doing a photo shoot. After they put him in his wardrobe, he announced that he didn’t like the pants because they reminded him of a cheap hotel …

"No ballroom."

Get it?

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I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Well, someone finally said … well, at least someone kinda famous said it: Tommy Cruise is short.

Lee Child, the author of the Jack Reacher novels just announced that Tom is too much of a Tiny Tom to play the title character again.

Reacher is described in the books as being almost six-and-a-half feet tall, with hands the size of dinner plates and Tom stands about five-foot-seven soaking wet with lifts in his shoes and hands the size of _____ hands. And Child says:

“Cruise, for all his talent, didn’t have that physicality. I really enjoyed working with Cruise. He’s a really, really nice guy … but ultimately the readers are right. The size of Reacher is really, really important and it’s a big component of who he is. The idea is that when Reacher walks into a room, you’re all a little nervous just for that first minute. And Cruise, for all his talent, didn’t have that physicality.”

Lee adds that maybe if they reboot the Wizard of Oz Cruise could have a shot as the Mayor of Munchkin City.

Or maybe I said that.

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I do love shade, and actress Zoë Kravitz is my new Shadestress.

On an episode Watch What Happens Live to promote Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindewald a caller asked Zoë about her appearance in Lily Allen’s memoir My Thoughts Exactly in which Lily claimed she and Zoë partied one night in 2014 and ended up kissing; when the caller asked Zoë if she was warned by Lily about that story, Zoë Mariah Carey’d Lily by saying:

“Who’s Lily Allen?”

And then Zoë told her side of the kissing story:

“If by ‘kissing’ she means, like, attacking, then yes, she kissed me. She attacked me.”

Zoë then said it was portrayed in the book like she wanted Lily to kiss her and that wasn’t the case; and when Andy Cohen asked Zoë if she read Lily’s book, she said—and I love it:

“I don’t think anybody read the book.”

It.Was.Deliciously.Shady.

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According to multiple sources—Kellyanne, Huckleberry and Junior—_____’s favorite child, and Girlfriend-In-His-Head, Ivanka, and the third Missus _____ do not get along. And the drama ALLEGEDLY stems from who was going to get to take that fashion trip to Africa first.

Y’all recall that last month, Melanie took a solo trip to Africa to parade various outfits around the pyramids and small children. But when Melanie’s handlers presented the idea of the Africa trip months earlier, Ivanka’s minions informed them that the First Lady Daughter was planning her own trip, but just hadn’t announced it yet. And so Melanie said:

“I don’t care. I need to get away from Orange Baboon so I go now,”

And off she went, leaving Ivanka , her Chief Minion and Baggage Handler, Jared, and their Lapdog, Miss PittyPatFlippetyFlop Lindsey Graham to plan their own trip sometime next year where Ivanka will model clothes, Jared will play mute, and Miss Lindsey will try on Ivanka’s Manolos.

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It looks like Kardastrophe-adjacent Blac Chyna may just see less coins  now that Rob Kardastrophe is trying to pay less child support for their daughter, Kream …Dream.

After months of fighting over payments, Rob filed papers demanding that the20K he pays a month to Chyna be reduced because he “can no longer afford these orders” since, wait for it, Chyna filed domestic violence claims against him. Rob says.

“I have not participated in the filming of any episodes [of KUWTK] since this summer when [Chyna] filed a request for a restraining order against me. Her request was widely publicized and I was scrutinized by the media … It has been an extraordinarily difficult time for me emotionally and I have no desire to continue participating in the reality show. I would like to maintain my privacy, try to recover from the emotional damage of the past several months, and explore other business ventures.”

Wait; your Baby Mama says you’re violent, so you stop filming your reality show and then cry poor, so you can pay her even less? Bitch, please.

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And so now Blac Chyna and Rob Kardastrophe’s child support fight is headed into Round Three.

It seems Rob wants to pay less money to his baby and Baby Mama because he’s broke; oh, not broke like eating mayonnaise sandwiches without the bread broke, but broke as in even Kourtney has more money than Rob. Court documents show that when during the breakup with Chyna, Rob was forced to sell his lucrative—that makes me giggle just typing–sock line to That Woman.  

Yup, Mama bought the socks and now Rob is claiming poverty and even had to move back into the Koven with her.

And of course, That Woman confirmed all of this because it makes her look good to make her son look like a failure:

“I helped Robert with his sock line business, Arthur George. I infused the business with capital, purchased goods, and set up distribution and fulfillment centers amongst other tasks. In exchange for the work I did and the money I put in, I acquired 50% interest in the business.”

He cannot film his fake show and he cannot sell socks and he’s moved back in with the Devil who bought his business. And I think she got his soul, too.

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I love me some Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and am a particular fan of the spectacular Lisa Vanderpump.

Well, ALLEGEDLY there has been some tension this upcoming season between LVP and the other “wives,” and rumor has it she may be leaving the show. Vanderpump has been absent during much of the filming for the upcoming season—she did suffer a death in the family—and some say it’s because there was some spat involving Dorit Kemsley—whom I loathe—and a dog adopted from Lisa’s organization, VanderPups,  and later returned.

Bravo, knowing she is a fan favorite, is staying mum, saying only:

“Lisa will appear in the majority of episodes this season. She has not been filming at every event, but fans can expect to see her throughout. The show will return to Bravo in early 2019.”

But another source—and it could be Brandi Glanville stirring her witches’ cauldron—says:

“Lisa has only filmed on a few occasions during the beginning of filming this season and has been absent the remainder of the time. She has been refusing to film and … her interactions with the ladies have been solely negative. Lisa has still not returned to filming and as of now has no plan to. It’s too far gone, and Lisa agrees that she shouldn’t return at this point.”

I’m’a just say it, if she goes, I go, because I will be VanderBummed.

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For the past ten years, Gwyneth Paltrow has run a multi-million-dollar business saying thousand dollar t-shirts and vaginal eggs to gullible rich women with too much time on their hands and no limit on their AMEX.

But Gwynnie wants y’all to know show she struggled, struggled, to find investors for GOOP because no one wanted anything to do with her special brand of crazy because … wait for it …it’s as precious as anything she sells … she was too famous.

Seriously; she wants people to think that if she was Missus Betty Paltrow from Iowa who came up with an idea to sell shady medical cures and cheap threads jacked-up in price, investors would be clamoring for a piece of the pie, but because she’s an Oscar winner—having won the Oscar Harvey Weinstein bought for her—no one would help.

Siddown, snake-oil salesperson.

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It's Snarkurday!

Ah, Sex and the City ... a cable show that went on about a year too long that turned into a movie that lasted one film too many. Well, last week we learned that plans for that third SATC film were kaput because Kim ‘Samantha’ Cattrall was the only star of the series and film who realized that it was over ... and should have been before that 3-plus hour Dubai fiasco of a film.

But that’s where the kerfuffle starts because now some of the other girls—and I’m looking at you Sarah Jessica Parker and Kristin Davis—had wanted to make another film simply to pad their bank accounts and now they may have to look for other work; in SJP’s case, it may be a return to Broadway, in Kristin Davis’ case it make be a Starbucks.

One of the ALLEGED reasons why SATC 3 isn’t happening was that Kim was acting like a diva—asking Warner Bros. to finance other film projects for her—and “playing the victim.” Kim says she never shut down production with diva demands and clearly states she told them she never wanted to do another SATC. In fact, Kim says she repeatedly turned down producers almost a year ago, and never once implied she was interested and so she’s rightfully peeved that “sources” are trying to smear her:

“And now, now at this very moment it’s quite extraordinary to get any kind of negative press about something that I’ve been saying for almost a year of ‘no’ that I’m demanding or a diva. And this is really where I take to task the people from Sex and the City, and specifically Sarah Jessica Parker, in that I think she could have been nicer. I really think she could have been nicer.”

When pressed as to why SJP is being nice Kim says:

“I don’t know what her issue is, I never have.”

Kim says because she’s a 61-year-old woman she is no longer interested in playing the horny Samantha and she wishes an SATC3 would happen, just without her:

“It’s a great part. I played it past the finish line and then some and I loved it and another actress should play it, maybe they could make it an African American Samantha Jones or a Hispanic Samantha Jones? Or bring in another character. It can be another character. This is what I really believe that this franchise needs another point of view and this could be it.”

That certainly doesn’t sound like a pissed off diva, but more like someone who knows the films, the series, and the character have all outlived their sell-by date.

I mean, what would an SATC3 even look like ... a bunch of fifty-something women sipping ‘tinis in fabulous gowns discussing menopause and AARP?

That doesn’t sound fun at all.

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I guess all that metal in his head ...?

Fans of rapper Lil Wayne will be getting refunds after the recording “artist” refused to pass through a security check to enter the Colonial Life Arena in Columbia, South Carolina, and skipped the concert.

When security workers sought to apply “the venue’s standard safety procedures” that apply to everyone, Lil Wayne refused to comply; and because the arena’s management says it wasn’t willing to make an exception for the, ahem, “star”, there was no show.

Looks like a lot of folks dodged a bullet over the weekend ... because they didn’t have to see Lil Wayne “perform.”

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Proving that no story, no matter how old, is never too tired to be a part of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes, the show recently featured the real tea on Kendall Jenner’s infamous I-Solved-Racism-In-America Pepsi ad.

You remember that Kendall was in an embarrassing Pepsi ad back last April that claimed the solution to Ferguson, Baltimore, and every other example of modern racial tension was sippin’ an ice cold Pepsi given to you by a :::ahem::: model.

Kendall kept her lips zipped about the ad—possibly because That Woman saw it as a Very Special Episode of KUWTK—and so it wasn’t until now we get the low down on Kendall’s real—Mama told me to say this—feelings as she sobbed into her confessional camera:

“I would never purposely hurt someone, ever. I would, obviously—if I knew this was gonna be the outcome, I would have never done something like this. But you don’t know when you’re in the moment, and like, it was the most … like, it was … like, it was so … like, I just felt so f**king stupid.”

Like, um, like, ah, shut up. I mean, it only takes a person with the capabilities of reading a script to know that if, in the middle of a race riot, a :::ahem:::: model offered a soda to the warring factions and they suddenly became besties it would be an offensive, er, stupid, ad.

But That Woman knew it would get one of her Demon Spawn more media attention, so go for it!

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In the wake of last week’s shooting in Las Vegas male-media-whore Piers Morgan, on the UK show Good Morning Britain, brought in an expert on shooting deaths to speak about it, and her name was, wait for it, it’s completely understandable, Mariah Carey.

Yes, that picture up there, with Mimi lounging in front of a Christmas tree in October looking like one of the Real Housewives of DoubleChinTown was a real thing. I mean, rather than have Scotland Yard, or MI5 ... or even Daniel James Bond Craig come on to talk about the horrors, they gave us Mimi who said:

“I pray for the victims and hope all these can stop as soon as possible. You know, I have spent a lot of time in Vegas and this type of thing anywhere happening anywhere is a huge tragedy.”

Nice, I guess, though why pray for victims; I mean, they’re dead at the hands of a lunatic. But it’s the idea of the gown, and the flipped hair and the Christmas tree in the background that seems to say: Does Mimi know where she is? And so people went off on Piers, who, like the little bitch that he is, clapped back:

“Mariah was booked to do an interview about her UK Christmas tour. Obviously news events in Vegas have now taken precedence.”

Sure, she may have been booked earlier, but the whole set-up, the visual of Mimi and Christmas balls, was all kinds of wrong; still, as he does, Piers went on:

“We told Mariah's people before the interview. Her reaction seemed very relevant given she's a performer who often has residence in Vegas.”

Yes, but it’s Mariah Carey who lives in a dream world where people carry her around like a stuffed ... and sometimes overstuffed ... doll, and who calls people lamb and darrrrrrling and is clearly out of touch with reality.

Next up on Piers Morgan, Aubrey Anderson-Emmons, Lily from Modern Family will discuss the North Korean nuclear threat ...

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Kristin Davis, whose career has consisted of Melrose Place and Sex and the City and little else, has announced that it’s “deeply frustrating” that SATC 3 is not happening because Kim Cattrall realized that no one wants to see another incarnation of the TV show brought to the screen and put the kibosh on the sequel ... threequel ... by refusing to be in it.

And so Kristen, who clearly needs the coins, is furious and played into that whole “Kim had a lot of demands” business that sunk the idea of a sequel to a really awful sequel to a film version of a series that went on too long.

But what exactly were Kim’s demands? Oh yeah, she demanded that she not be asked to be in it!

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Well, it looks like Blac Chyna and Rob Kardastrophe have finally settled their dramatic Made-For-TV custody battle over their daughter Kream Dream. Chyna had asked for $50,000 a month, and Rob countered with Sofa Cushion Change, and they finally settled on $20,000 a month.

Sources—That Woman—say Rob agreed to the 20K because he wanted a 50/50 custody split and a guarantee that Chyna would drop her domestic violence allegations against him, and since she grabbed the coins, he hopes it makes her look like a gold digger, not realizing it makes him look like a man who paid off a domestic violence victim to keep quiet.

But that’s neither here nor there ... my burning question is a simple one: where the fuck is failed sock maker Rob Kardastrophe getting 20K a month? I mean, unless That Woman is planning a rerelease of Kim’s Porn Tape for extra coins.

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Poor Justin Bieber has been trying desperately to rent a huge fancy mansion in Beverly Hills, but the surrounding neighbors aren’t having it.

A source says Justin has ALLEGEDLY offered $100,000 a month—far more than it’s worth—for a house in Beverly Hills and the neighbors are rioting—in Beverly Hills that means calling your attorney and publicist—because they claim Justin has a reputation for not taking care of the homes he rents.

As of now, though, Justin is actually a semi-permanent resident of Beverly Hills because he’s been living in a, not the, Beverly Hills hotel for almost a year.

He must really be a bad neighbor if no one in Beverly Hills wants him in their hood; I mean, actual hillbillies moved into Beverly Hills in the 60s and no one even flinched ... except for Mr. Drysdale.

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More SATC3 drama? Okay ... this time it isn’t Cattrall or Davis, or even SJP dissing anyone, it’s one Willie “Stanford Blatch” Garson chiming in; Willie playing SJP’s gay bestie in the film, and is ALLEGEDLY her BFF in real life, too and so he Tweeted:

“Dear fans, because I'm "toxic", I'm going to negotiate a contract for 6 months, not come to terms, then say I never wanted to do it anyway.”

He used the word toxic because that’s what Kim Cattrall called all the negative press about her and he Tweeted because SJP wants to keep her hands, and Twitter feed, clean of the drama so she can look pretty and perfect in nice shoes.

But here’s my deal, Willie; in the entire series and the 2 film versions, your onscreen time adds up to about 2% so why are you bothered?

Oh, SJP’s lap dog. Get over it, and maybe try to get Matt Bomer to do a film version of White Collar so you can get a job.

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It's Snarkurday!

I have been enjoying Seasons 1 and 2 of Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath because I love the fact that she’s exposing the Cult of Scientology for all its evil. And I especially enjoyed when Remini, Scientology’s Public Enemy #1, took part in a Reddit AMA about her show and, well, went Cruising ...

See, Leah was asked by a Reddit user if Cruise, with whom she used to be friends when she was brainwashed, was a “good person” and she did not hold back:

“No! Just going to get straight to it, no! There is a public persona of the guy who looks at you directly in the eye and shakes your hand and hugs you and is an attentive person to you and there’s the person behind the mask who is a completely different person.”

And she wasn’t done:

“Someone could say we all have that—what we are to the public and who we are behind the scenes, but the people who are around Tom and work for Tom, not even people who are Scientologists, they will say he is diabolical.”

Leah goes on about the Special Relationship between Tiny Tom and his BFF, Scientology tyrant, David Miscavige, are virtually twins separated at birth: pretty much indistinguishable from one another.

“He’s very similar to David Miscavige, they could be twins.”

And that chapped the hides of Scientologists around the world because you never go after Cash Cow Cruise, and they issued this statement:

“Leah Remini has been obsessed with the leader of the Scientology religion and with Mr. Cruise for years, ever since she made a scene at Mr. Cruise’s wedding when she couldn’t get the seat she wanted. Remini is only commenting on these two prominent individuals to generate media coverage for herself and her hate campaign. Remini is bent on inciting hate and bigotry against a worldwide religion and its parishioners and she will stop at nothing to grab attention.”

Except she rarely speaks of Tommy; she mostly talks about a church that forces women to have abortions, that separates children from their parents, that encourages Scientologists to cut off their non-CoS friends and family, a cult that is so strongly anti-psychiatry that when its own members become so depressed and suicidal, the “church” looks the other way and then tries to cover up the death afterwards.

That’s not a church; even the Catholic Church isn’t that vile. Think of it this way: the Church of Scientology says it’s here to “clear” the planet and make life better for everyone, but, ask yourself, what exactly have they done?

Cue ::::crickets:::: so I am all Team Leah and her exposé on CoS and Cruise, too.

I love seeing hypocrites squirm.

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You know that feeling you get when you receive a letter from the IRS and know they’re coming for you because you forgot to pay 27-cents on last year’s tax bill? Well, try being Mary J. Blige and being told you owe millions in taxes, on top of the news from a judge that she has to pay her ex-husband, Kendu, $30,000 a month.

But ... is this IRS bill a fact or just a ploy being used by Blige and her attorneys to avoid paying spousal support, because when it comes to getting coins, the ex-husband will always take a back seat to Uncle Sam.

See, Mary is claiming she cannot pay her ex any money because, ahem, she owns two “unrentable” houses—one an “eight-bedroom, ten-bathroom New Jersey mansion” and another place she calls “boarded up” and in a “state of disrepair”—and that she experienced a “large reduction” in her royalty payments in 2016.

Sidenote: Get it that Mary J. Blige owns at least two homes in which she does not live and makes some $326,923 a month in earnings and royalties from her production company.

Life isn’t so hard, Mary, you just want to keep your coins, eh, girl?

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Last May, hottie actor and sweatpants model—if you’ve seen The Leftovers you’ll get that reference—Justin Theroux filed a $350,000 dollar lawsuit against his neighbor, lawyer Norman Resnicow, with whom he’s been feuding for decades, and so this week, Resnicow filed a counter-suit filled with “get off my lawn” old man-isms. Resnicow’s suit is in answer to claims Theroux made, and he ALLEGES Justin’s take on the brouhaha is “as fictional as the television series in which he recently starred.”

So, let’s dig in to the petty ... as in when Justin filed suit claiming that Resnicow killed some ivy growing on a terrace and then cut off the power and electricity to Justin’s home. Ivy killer? Ivy? Or, is it that Resnicow says he’s been living in hell from the endless noise of decades of renovations being made to Justin’s apartment and the ALLEGATION that Theroux of “deliberately” dropped heavy workout weights on the floor.” Well, maybe Justin and the missus, Jen Aniston, that is, are banging each other extra joyfully? But when Resnicow put a note under Theroux’s door complaining about the noise he got no response and so ... lawsuits.

One particularly interesting bit is Old Man Resnicow’s claim that Theroux once asked him “to handle—on a discreet basis—the exiting of Theroux’s longtime live-in girlfriend from his apartment because Theroux had broken up with her and was living in a hotel.”

Wait, what? Is Norman supposed to escort Justin’s leftovers—see what I did there—from the apartment when Justin’s done with them? Poor Jennifer; I imagine Norman will roll her up in an Oriental rug and slide her down an elevator shaft at some point.

Resnicow also claims to have suffered through “years of endless day and night barking, yowling and crying of the several rescue dogs Theroux left for several years in the apartment after he de-camped for California.”

Seriously? Dogs left unattended in an apartment for several years? Norman, honey, switch to decaf and get a hobby.

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Mariah Carey is was a singer extraordinaire, a diva and a legend her own mind but never, ever, have we described Mimi as a dancer ... she’s more of a stander, and a person who moves, or is moved, over there. But, back in the day, she did at least try and move while singing, until she became this stand-in-one-place-and-have-dancers-dance-around-her-or-move-her across the stage manually. So, why, Mimi? Why the lack of movement? Hooker heels too high? Bathing suit costumes too tight? Nope; according to her former choreographer, Anthony Burrell, Mimi has simply no more f**ks to give about dancing:

“It’s just typical Mariah. Mariah is clear: when she doesn’t wanna do something, she doesn’t do it. She’s performing with lackluster [effort] and no f**ks given, and it’s taking away her star.”​

Burrell says he spent years trying to make Mariah comfortable onstage, not just a singer, but an all-around performer:

“Working with an artist like Mariah, who’s not a mover first, it’s always a challenge to get them to think physically and not just vocally. You always have to keep in mind that they’re a singer first. The priority is not teaching them 100 counts of 8, or endless routines. I wanted to give Mariah a modern push to revamp her, give her a fresher, more modern feel, make her more aware of her body and her lines, and not look like her feet hurt when she’s walking.”

That last line—“and not look like her feet hurt when she’s walking”—gives me life. Though I think Burrell might have had better luck if he just had one of Mimi’s back-up dancers sprinkle Skittles along the stage; that way she’d be moving to find them, or skidding on them and falling down.

But at least we’d have movement.

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If you ever wanted to have a Made For TV relationship, and have it blow up in your face, take a page from “Sock Maker” Rob Kardastrophe and his ex-Baby Mama and former stripper, Blac Chyna.

Since their relationship and TV show are over, the couple is mostly battling online about property, money ... oh, and custody of their baby Kream Dream.

Rob, who used the internet to get revenge on Chyna by posting explicit pictures of her without permission, and probably compensation, and Chyna recently met with lawyers and that’s when he accused her of trying to steal his car.

See, Chyna, and her team of five lawyers—because that’s what it takes for strippers to divorce footwear kings, went to Rob and his lawyer’s office and fought about who did what and for whom and for how long and how much money that means and will it be on TV, to no avail.

And, while Chyna was leaving, Rob hid out in a hallway to avoid seeing her and that’s when she ALLEGEDLY tried to get into his Range Rover and speed off ... until her lawyers reminded her that grand theft auto doesn’t play well in a child custody suit.

But, Chyna insisted that the Range Rover was hers because Rob ... and remember, he makes socks ... gave it to her along with a Ferrari and a Lamborghini; she says those cars were returned and the Range Rover should have gone back to so she could get some of the leasing coins in her bank account.

Seriously; this is all stuff made for TV and yet even That Woman can’t secure a filming deal for these two losers.

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Remember when Hillary Clinton called _____ supporters a “bag of deplorables” and the deplorables went nuts? Well, maybe she didn’t mean them, but meant the deplorables, and wives of deplorables, in _____’s administration.

See, there’s this “actress,” Louise Linton, who is married to Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, who is filthy rich because he’s a Wall Street Thief, and Louise likes to flaunt their wealth every chance she gets.

And she did that when she posted an Instagram last week of herself and Mnuchin disembarking a taxpayer-funded plane in Kentucky. In the photo Linton tagged all of the designer labels she wore ... #Valentino ... #RolandMouret ... #TomFord ... #Hermesscarf ... etc. And then someone called “Jenny M” called Linton out for her ridiculousness:

“Glad we could pay for your little getaway. #deplorable”

Louise—a real C_U_Next_Tuesday—went off on Jenny, after finding Jenny’s account and looking through her photos of her family and children, because how dare a commoner come for her:

“@Jennimiller29 cute!….Aw!! Did you think this was a personal trip?! Adorable! Do you think the US govt paid for our honeymoon or personal travel?! Lololol. Have you given more to the economy than me and my husband? Either as an individual earner in taxes OR in self sacrifice to your country? I’m pretty sure we paid more taxes toward our day “trip” than you did. Pretty sure the amount we sacrifice per year is a lot more than you’d be willing to sacrifice if the choice was yours. You’re adorably out of touch. Thanks for the passive aggressive nasty comment. Your kids look very cute. Your life looks cute. I know you’re mad but deep down you’re really nice and so am I. Sending me passive aggressive Instagram comments isn’t going to make life feel better. Maybe a nice message, one filled with wisdom and hunanity [SIC] would get more traction. Have a pleasant evening. Go chill out and watch the new game of thrones. It’s fab!”

Of course, the internet sided with Jenny and suddenly Louise was all apologetic:

“I apologize for my post on social media yesterday as well as my response. It was inappropriate and highly insensitive.”

And that falls under the category of Too Little, Too Late because now a government watchdog group—Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington [CREW]—is looking into the Mnuchin’s use of a government plane for their ‘daytrip’ to Kentucky:

“The requested records would shed light on the justification for Secretary Mnuchin’s use of a government plane, rather than a commercial flight, for a trip that seems to have been planned around the solar eclipse and to enable the Secretary to secure a viewpoint in the path of the eclipse’s totality. At a time of expected deep cuts to the federal budget, the taxpayers have a significant interest in learning the extent to which Secretary Mnuchin has used government planes for travel in lieu of commercial planes, and the justification for that use.”

Yup, they used a government plane and your money to go to Kentucky to look at the sun.

But Linton probably doesn’t give a whit about any watchdog group, so designers Valentino and Tom Ford are hitting back, and smacking down Linton for what she did and for using their names in her little ego-driving Instagram account.

And you just know that irks Louise “Let them eat cake” Linton more than anything.

Deplorable.

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Looks like Tina is after Gwyneth Paltrow. No, not Tina Knowles, or Xtina, or even Tina Yothers—Goddess I’m old—but TINA, AKA Truth In Advertising.

While GOOP, Gwyneth’s emporium of jade eggs, vaginal steamers and $900 t-shirts, is the most ridiculous site on the web, it wasn’t until this week that TINA took notice and issued an admonishment. See, Tina doesn’t like GOOP’s goods, nor does she like GOOP’s medical advice like, you remember, Earthing ...

Now, GOOP maintains, either expressly or implicitly, that its products and its promotions can treat, cure, prevent, alleviate the symptoms of, or reduce the risk of developing, any number of ailments.  But, as TINA notes, GOOP does not have any competent and reliable scientific evidence ... required by law ... to backup their claims.

Oh TINA, are you new here, because I’ve know that since Paltrow tried to get women to Stanley Steamer their cooches or deposit jade eggs up their hoohaws.

Well, for her part, TINA did reach out to GOOP and allow them time to explain themselves, but after eleven days of silence, TINA filed a complaint with the California Food, Drug, and Medical Device Task Force.  And that’s when GOOP pooped out a response:

“We responded promptly and in good faith to the initial outreach from representatives of TINA and hoped to engage with them to address their concerns. Unfortunately, they provided limited information and made threats under arbitrary deadlines which were not reasonable under the circumstances.”

Notice they didn’t say that TINA was wrong in its claims.

Paltrow has yet to respond because she’s busy boiling the public hair of virgins, oils from the scalps of newborn babies, kitten claws, and fresh mint—because it smells pretty—in a cauldron somewhere in the Middle East hoping to cure anal warts.

Or something.

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It’s hard to go from media whores to nobodies, so what can a once-famous-for-nothing-more-than-birthing-a-slew-of-babies ex-couple do for attention? Call the cops.

Apparently, cops were called on Jon and Kate Gosselin twice in the past month after the two reality whores got into a screaming match while one of their children was at the dentist; and the fight wasn’t about the bill and who’d pay for it, no, the Gosselins fight over important stuff like which one of them would drive the kid home.

Seriously, Neo-Nazis are marching in the streets but the cops gotta work out which Gosselin runs the carpool that day?

The other time the cops were called for Gosselin Mayhem was on August 15th, when the idiot parents were fighting in a parking lot after Kate tried to yank their 13-year-old daughter Hannah from Jon’s car. Hannah didn’t want to get out, and tried to resist Mama’s Claws while Jon stood off to the side saying things like:

“Hold on. Hold on. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. I can’t help you. Hold on. Hold on.”

This event lasted ... wait for it ... three hours, with police looking on and eventually calling an ambulance after Hannah said her arm was injured.

Again, the Klan is in the streets and we need police and medical teams to help Jon and Kate take care of their kids? I hope those kids wise up and get a lawyer to emancipate them from these horrid people.

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Speaking of Famewhores ...

I’m’a keep this short because even writing this little bit is giving me the dry heaves but ... hold on to those eclipse glasses ...

That Woman, AKA Porn Peddling Media Whore Kris Jenner, is so in love with her new thinner—Photoshopped?—body that she is looking for a high-end magazine to publish a nude photo shoot of her.

Field and Stream has yet to respond, but keep that eyewear handy in case Modern Dog takes That Woman up on her offer.

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