Snarky Thoughts

Beyoncé and Jay-Z are reportedly the new owners of the most expensive house in California after they plunked down $200 million in cash for this, um, er, prison house … in Malibu. There are some 40,000 square feet in the house and it sits on 8 coastal acres.

My Thought: It would have been, I’m guessing, cheaper to buy San Quentin and turn it into a huge-ass house and you’d have City and Bay Views.

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I love Rita Moreno but the 91-year-old star and I will come to blows if she keeps this shiz up. Rita attended a performance of the new Broadway show “The Sign in Sidney Brustein’s Window”—she played the female lead in its 1964 original run—and after the show she got a little flirty with the show’s star, one Oscar Isaac, telling him:

“I have a thing for brooding actors. I dated Marlon Brando, you know.”

Isaac, who’s married with two children, said Brando was a tough act to follow.

My Thought: I saw him first Rita and if anyone gets him, it will be me. Ninety-one or not, I will take you down.

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Now that Alec Baldwin is finally free from the manslaughter charges he’s gone back to being his impish lovable self … and by that I mean he’s once more acting like a self-entitled prick. Recently Alec and his wife, non-Latina Hilaria attended the 2023 PEN American Spring Literary Gala in New York and spies claim that the drama started when Baldwin stood up to chat with someone as “the line of servers come all at once to deliver the meals.” One female server got stuck behind Baldwin’s ample ass ego and when she passed and began setting dinners down he was not happy; the woman—who does not wish to be named—explains:

“I was going to feed the head of the table but that’s who he was talking to, so I go up to him and I say, ‘I’m sorry sir, but we’re going to have servers walking through the tables here in a minute.'”

And that’s when gracious star boorish pig Baldwin snapped:

“So when is it a good time to talk to my friends? Do I have to explain it to you?”

Not wanting to exacerbate the situation, she said she needed no explanation and he replied:

“Well then step aside.”

As she walked away he called her a peasant.

My Thought: If you can’t get him on manslaughter charges maybe you can charge him with being an overrated untalented dick.

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Oh this is rich, trying to act like an everywoman. It seems the internets are going nuts because Kim Kardashian is acting “like she’s middle class” and “complaining” about her struggles as a single mom. The woman—who shares North, Saint, Chicago, and Psalm with ex-husband Kanye West—said on Jay Shetty’s “On Purpose” podcast that parenting is “really f—king hard.”

But some listeners weren’t having a billionaire with a full staff and a ninny for each of her children complain about being a single mom.

My Thought: If The Kardastrophe’s stays on Hulu for another year, send Kim to a two-bedroom bungalow in South Central and get her a job at the neighborhood bodega to show her what real single parenthood is like.

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Julia Fox, another Kanye West cast-off, is also very Kardastrophe-like, in trying to get attention for just showing up at an event.

At the Art of Elysium 25th anniversary party in Cannes last week Fox showed up in a clear glass bra top and Klan Skirt. The structural corset top looked like it was made from a piece of glass in the form of a disfigured elephant dick held up by a clear piece of string and freeing her nipples.

For more casual wear Fox did some early morning LA shopping in slippers, a t-shirt and blazer, and a pair of men’s underwear.

My Thought: I have none. I don’t know who she is, and don’t know why people are running around photographing her at events to which she should not be invited. I guess schtupping Kanye gets you a pass?

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Bobservations

A few weeks ago, I told y’all about Carlos’ outrage at the Charmin bears quibbling over who is to pick up the underwear on the bathroom floor because, as he shrieked:

“They’re naked!!”

Now he has a new target … the Liberty Mutual Emu, AKA the LiMu Emu. It seems in one commercial the emu’s human partner is motoring the duo across the desert on a motorcycle with a sidecar. Carlos grows incensed, because as they are spreading across the sands, the human partner’s tie is not flapping in the wind.

He had no issue with an emu in the sidecar of a motorcycle, but a non-flapping tie sends him over the end.

Oy, mi Madre.

While he generally likes most people, and is not at all skittish, Tuxedo, like his daddy, has an extremely low tolerance for stupid.

Oops, who saw this coming?

After thousands of people visited Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri, over Memorial Day weekend, there are now new cases exploding across the state.

Hope they all had a good time, and hope there’s a bed at the hospital for them.

Oh, and don’t look so smug Wisconsinites.

Two weeks after your GOP-controlled Supreme Court struck down Democratic Governor Tony Evers’ stay-at-home order, there are now a record number of COVID-19 deaths and new cases for you.

Hope that beer at the bar was worth it, asshats.

Oscar Isaac, My-Husband-In-My-Head, recently appeared on Twitter in a mask and a Joe Biden hat and people went nuts. I mean, the mask they were pissed off about, but he had the audacity to also wear that cap!

Personally I was furious I couldn’t see his gorgeous face, but anyway … for you asshats that are pissed that Oscar has and wears a Biden hat, I hope you equally pissed at the MAGA-hat wearing morons storming state buildings to protest a deadly pandemic.

But I doubt you’re that bright. And heeeeeeere's Oscar ....

Speaking of stupid … I was going to post this in tomorrow’s I Didn’t Say it, but I chose to use that post for real people with real feelings and raw emotions. Still, we need to know what an absolute racist idiot and goose-stepping Nazi for _____ that is Laura Ingraham.  Let’s listen …my commentary is in red:

“Now, I’m not going to pretend for a millisecond to know what it’s like to be a black person in America [Bitch, you don’t know what it is to be human in America]. I don’t, but the only thing I do know is that we all need to do better. It’s important that we also push back against the notion that all police officers can never be trusted [No one is saying all police officers, no one] or that America—just at its core—is some caldron boiling over with pure racism and inequality [Ah, but it is, Blanche, it is, and your ilk spreads that racism every time you open your yap]. … And to our African-American fellow citizens, I say this: Given his own experience with an out-of-control FBI and unfair investigation, given all the work on criminal justice reform, President _____ knows how poisonous and out-of-control law enforcement process can be.”

I’ll stop her there because she is actually suggesting that a millionaire—he’s no billionaire—white racist president knows the same feeling of police brutality as a black man in America? And a black man, among many, who was murdered in America?

Oh, Laura. Fuck all the way off.

While the evangelicals cheer him on because all the right people are being murdered in this country, it’s nice to see a man take on the Racist In Chief.

After teargassing and firing rubber bullets into a crowd of peaceful protestors so he could hold up a Bible in front of a church. The next day _____ visited a shrine honoring Pope John Paul II, and one man, Archbishop Wilton Gregory, was not having it:

“I find it baffling and reprehensible that any Catholic facility would allow itself to be so egregiously misused and manipulated in a fashion that violates our religious principles, which call us to defend the rights of all people even those with whom we might disagree.”

That’s the polite way of saying to _____, you, too, can fuck all the way off.

A new CBS News/YouGov poll shows that most people agree that the Racist-In-Chief favors white people.

Not surprising, really, except that 58% of Republicans agree that he’s pro-white.

The poll didn’t say how many of those 58% agree with ____, but I’m guessing it’s around 58%.

Sorry Republicans, if you stand by a racist and support a racist, you’re a racist.

Out there in Iowa, the people voted in the GOP primary and voted asshatted, homophobic, racist, white supremacist, Nazi, Klansman Steve King out of office after nine terms.

Good. Bye.

We watched The Girl in the Spider’s Web the other night. It was kind of like a female James Bond, but one thing that made it interesting was that Claire Floy played the badass; and this was right on the heels of her playing Elizabeth II in The Crown.

The other two good things about the movie were Lakeith Stanfield, top—I’m assuming—as a hot nerd and sharpshooter, and  Sverrir Gudnason, bottom—perhaps—as a journalist.

Eye candy and Lizzie as a badass? Please.

I Didn't Say It ...

Mike Kelly, GOP Congressman from Pennsylvania, comparing the impeachment vote and the bombing of Pearl Harbor:

“On Dec. 7, 1941, a horrific act happened in the United States, and it’s one that President Roosevelt said, this is a date that will live in infamy,” Kelly said, referring to the famous speech given by then-President Franklin Roosevelt after the bombing of Pearl Harbor. Today, Dec. 18, 2019, is another day that will live in infamy.” 

Yes, a group of Congressmen/women voting to protect this country from a wannabe dictator is exactly like out military men and women being attacked and murdered by a foreign power.

Hey Mike Kelly, when you pull your head out of _____’s you’ll see what an asshat you truly are; fuck off.

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Oscar Isaac , hot actor, on the hope that his and John Boyega’s characters in the new Star Wars film would be the franchise’s first gay characters and become romantically involved:

“Personally, I kind of hoped and wished that maybe that would’ve been taken further in the other films, but I don’t have control. It seemed like a natural progression, but sadly enough it’s a time when people are too afraid, I think, of…I don’t know what. … If they would’ve been boyfriends, that would have been fun.”

Um, Oscar? If I may … if you’d like to explore the idea of having a byfirend, I can help with that.

And if you wanna bring John Boyega along, well, I wouldn’t kick him out of bed either.

Just sayin’.

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Stephen Colbert, mocking Hallmark, and One Million Moms, over that minutes long boycott of the channel for airing a commercial featuring a same-sex couple:

“Let’s be honest. Your whole family isn’t getting together to watch Hallmark Christmas movies. Real moms watch them alone at night while trying to assemble a Fisher-Price kitchen, and drinking out of a wine glass that says, When Caleb Whines, Mommy Wines. We know [Hallmark doesn’t want controversy]. We’ve seen your movies. Hallmark doesn’t generate controversy, character growth, dramatic tension, or leading roles for black people. {And so} just like in the Hallmark classic, A Shoe Addict’s Christmas, there’s a happy ending. … Hallmark announced that they will reinstate the commercials. … There was drama, they broke up, they got back together, a wedding was involved, and everyone was white. Wow. They do have just one plotline.”

I love how he can smackdown both the 100 Moms and Hallmark at the same time.

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Adam Schiff, on _____’s lies that he misrepresented _____’s July 25 call with Ukraine: 

“He’s not going to intimidate me. I think it was quite deliberately designed to be a threat and this is the president’s modus operandi. I’m not the first person he’s made a veiled threat about, I won’t be the last. But this is precisely the kind of conduct Americans should not accept in the Oval Office. This is a president, after all, who has said of people who blow the whistle on him that they’re traitors and spies and should be treated as traitors and spies used to be treated. We used to execute traitors and spies. So this is not a president above threatening anyone who gets in his way, anyone who stands up to him.”

It’ll take a while because the GOP will crash and burn because of _____, but one day, oin the future, Republicans will look back and cringe at how they handled themselves at this time.

At least the one Republican, whoever that is, who still has a soul.

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Nicolle Wallace, MSNBC anchor, questioned the “manliness” of Senate Republicans defending _____, a man who attacked many of them in the past:

“_____ was brutal. It’s a good thing for him that they forgot about that. Years later, with impeachment all but guaranteed, this weekend both of those men [Lyin’ Ted Cruz and Miss Lindsey Graham]—both of those American senators—made clear they would defend _____ and won’t even pretend to be impartial.[My] question is about the manliness, the men, the character. I get the politics, but what about their pride?” 

They have none. They’re all afraid of a mean Tweet.

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Andrew Napolitano, Fox News … yes, Fox News … legal analyst, saying _____ should be impeached:

“James Madison, the author of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, feared a government that was strong enough to protect the people would become too strong for the people to control. It would use its powers not for the nation’s betterment but its own. When the government fails to control itself, he argued, when the president becomes a law unto himself by violating the laws that pertain to all others, the remedy is impeachment. The framers’ greatest fear was a president who would unlawfully put his own needs above the nation’s or who would drag a foreign government into our domestic affairs. [_____] has tried to do both and threatened to repeat those attempts. That’s why the remedy of impeachment is acutely needed.”

Simply put; perfectly said. And on Fox of all places.

_____ must be fuming.

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I Didn't Say It

Oscar Isaac, actor, and, yes, Husband In My Head, about the rumored gay romance between his Star Wars character Poe and John Boyega’s character Finn:

“What it means to me is that people can see themselves in a hero like this, in a movie like this, which I love. Not only LGBT, but Latinos. That there’s a representation out there for that. As to actually seeing how that manifests itself in Poe in this film, that isn’t necessarily going to be a clear story point in this one. But as an actor, I’m very open to those possible storylines and I don’t think it needs to be nailed down in any traditional way.”

Um, Isaac, if you need any help rehearsing those kinds of scenes, call me?

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Sarah Paulson, one of my favorite actors, on her relationship with 74-year-old Holland Taylor, another of my faves, on being warned to keep their love a secret: but choosing instead to celebrate it when she won an Emmy:

“It occurred to me, should I not do that? And then I thought, why would I not? The fact I’m having this thought is wrong. But I had a moment of societal concern; wondering if, maybe, people who didn’t know that about me would be like, wait, what? But then, you know, I did it anyway. My life choices are, um, unconventional. I’m with a much older person, and people find that totally fascinating and odd, and, to me, it’s the least interesting thing about me.”

It’s love, and who cares; and who’s business is it anyway?

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Laura Ingraham, Fox News loon, is concerned about the #MeToo movement, though not for the victims but for, well, let her tell you:

“Is the #MeToo movement becoming a spoiler for this season’s Christmas parties? I can see this year it might be — a little less festive, let’s say that. No alcohol and no fun and no lampshades and, I don’t know, maybe that’s better. Is this just killing all the fun of Christmas?”

Yeah, thanks to the victims of sexual assault men won’t be drinking as much this year and assaulting women.

Laura Ingraham, another asshat from Fox.

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Nikki Haley, US ambassador to the United Nations, says that women who accuse someone of sexual misconduct deserve to be heard, even if it involves _____:

“I know that he was elected, but women should always feel comfortable coming forward. And we should all be willing to listen to them. Women who accuse anyone should be heard. They should be heard and they should be dealt with, and I think …  any woman who has felt violated or felt mistreated in any way, they have every right to speak up.”

Every once in a while Nikki gets it right, though a little bit late, but still, right.

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Jake Tapper, on _____’, the biggest liar of all, calling the media liars:

“You might find it hard to believe, but the _____ White House today said it is wrong when people put out information they know to be incorrect in an attempt to mislead the republic. That’s right, the White House, run by the president who came to political prominence by promoting the lie that the first African-American president was born in Africa, is finding time to take issue with those who mislead people. The White House, run by the president who said with no evidence that crowds of American Muslims were seen on TV celebrating in New Jersey after 9/11. The man who repeated the ludicrous claim that Ted Cruz’s father had something to do with the Kennedy assassination, and the man who said with no evidence there were 3 to 5 million fraudulent votes for Hillary Clinton.”

And this is just the tiniest bit of his lies. As I told the Fat Bastard on Twitter, we know he’s lying whenever his lips are flapping.

And that, my friends, is the truth.

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Trae Crowder, the Liberal Redneck, on Roy Moore and that special Senate election in Alabama this week:

“The people’s choices are Democrat Doug Jones and a poorly written villain from a f**king Dukes of Hazzard episode. Even when you take into account that the man that they’re replacing is a f**king Hobbit from an alternate universe where JRR Tolkien owns slaves, Roy Moore is an unbelievable bag of sh*t. He’s a judge who’s been kicked off the bench twice for refusing to do his job, he’s taken money from his own non-profit, he’s openly admitted that he thinks the last time America was great was before the Civil War, he thinks all legislation should be drafted by Jesus, and he presumably believes that the Devil invented dinosaurs and gay people.”

I know Crowder was being funny, but these are all things Roy Moore believes and Alabama and the US Senate dodged a bullet thanks to Black women..

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Cory Booker, Democratic Senator from New jersey, on _____’s assault on the LGBTQ community with the Colorado Masterpiece Cakeshop case:

"There’s many of us that are hoping the Supreme Court — like it did with marriage equality, like it’s done in discrimination cases facing African-Americans in the past — will do the right thing. No one should be able to discriminate against folks. At restaurants or businesses, I don’t want to see that treatment being done to anyone in this country. When one American is under attack, when one American is facing discrimination, we need to understand that’s an assault on all Americans.”

Booker has vowed to push for action in Congress if the court rules with baker Jack Phillips.

Hot LGBTQ ally.

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Joe Biden, who lost his son Beau to the same type of cancer as John McCain, comforted McCain’s daughter Meghan on The View as she talked about the condition:

“There is hope, and if anyone can make it, your dad. Her dad is one of my best friends. We’re like two brothers who were somehow raised by two different fathers or something because of our points of view. But I know, and I mean this sincerely, even when your dad got mad at me, saying I should get the hell off the ticket, remember what I said about your dad? I said, I know if I picked up the phone tonight and called John McCain and said, ‘I’m at Second and Vine in Oshkosh and I need your help, come,’ he’d get on a plane and come, and I would for him, too…I swear, guys, we’re going to beat this damn disease.”

Perhaps, as president, he could work some magic in this area?

Just sayin’.

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