Why Is It ...

… that people don’t get it that I don’t waste time Googling song lyrics; I sing what I hear ... ♪♫ Dancing queen, young and sweet only seven teeth.♫♪

… that my mood has so many swings it’s a park now.

… that they ask you to be at the airport three hours before your flight but they won’t tell you what gate to go to until the very last minute.

… that, at this point, if a clown invited me into the woods alone, I would just go.

… that my social skills include: 1] laughing when I shouldn’t laugh; 2] telling jokes in awkward situations; and C] saying ‘You too’ when the waiter tells me to enjoy my dinner.

… that you need to know that before you judge me, I don’t care.

… that when someone tells me I look familiar, I say, “I don’t even go outside, why are you lying?”

… that I need an app that deletes my number from other people’s phones.

… that no one understands that if you think I’m mean now, wait until I don’t like you.

… that controlling my facial expressions has to be the toughest battle I fight every day.

Straight Couple Accidentally Booked On Pride Flight

Kerry and Sean Powell booked a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to New York in September 2018. They were hoping for just a routine flight, but then the airline called to inform them that it had been changed into a Pride flight and would feature drag queens and other entertainers performing for passengers; in fact, the flight was renamed VS69, in commemoration of the 1969 Stonewall Uprising.

The airline asked Kerry if she and her family—the couple was traveling with their two young sons Calum and Cody—if they wanted to change their flight, but it meant traveling on a different day, so the Powell’s kept their plans intact.

And are so happy they did because they all ended up having a fabulous time.

Among the entertainers were Ru Paul Drag Race alumn Courtney Act, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt star Titus Burgess, I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here winner Scarlett Moffatt and Strictly Come Dancing’s AJ Prichard; DJ Jodie Harsh spun some tunes while passengers danced, painted their faces with rainbows and ate Pride eclairs. An 80-year-old Stonewall veteran named Tree Sequoia was also onboard.

And the Powell family, especially their children, had a ball, with four-year-old Calum and one-year-old Cody busting a move Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” played on the overhead speakers.

Kerry called it an amazing flight that her kids loved, and even better, the eight-hour plane ride just, um, flew by.

Makes me wish that all flights could be Drag Queen flights.

LGBTQNation

It Really Was Just Twenty Minutes

I really love my Dad, and somewhat more importantly, I really like my Dad, so I was very happy to be able to head out west to help him before and after his knee replacement surgery.

That said, I did go all Seinfeld with Carlos about how long I’d be gone ...

“Look, subtract the travel time to and from, the sleeping time, the time he’s in the hospital, the driving time around Toledo, Oregon, and I’ll be gone, what, about twenty minutes or so.”

I don’t like being away from home—I’m a nester—for too long and I really don’t like being without Carlos because I’m a very needy queen or, and this is more likely, I truly love that man and need to see him every day, always.

Still, I left; usually we fly into Portland and then drive the three-plus hours south and to the west to my Dad’s house, but this time I checked into flying into Eugene, which cuts the drive time to Dad’s to about ninety minutes. The price seemed comparable so I thought I’d go the Eugene route, except ...

Columbia is not a major airport—there are literally twelve gates—and Eugene is even smaller, so any kind of direct flight is out. I flew from Columbia to DC, and then from DC to San Francisco, and from San Francisco to Eugene. It would be a long travel day—about twelve hours with plane changes and such—but it still seemed like less of a hassle than heading to Portland until ...

The flight to DC was smooth; I had a row to myself so I didn’t have that stupid airplane chatter—Where you going—to contend with; then came DC. The airport there, we landed at Dulles, is a nightmare. I headed up two escalators to a third level and then down an escalator to a second level, across a bridge into a tunnel onto a train just to get to my gate; that seemed longer than the flight ... I am that impatient.

At the gate there was a huge crowd and I thought, “Crowded Plane.” I hate crowded planes ... airplane chatter. God! And then the pilot appeared and introduced himself and told us we would have  a smooth ride cross country ... why did he say that?

Onboard the plane we sat and sat and sat until Friendly Pilot announced that we couldn’t leave because one of the Non Smoking lights was on and they needed to figure out why; that took an hour. No, I understand you don’t want mechanical problems when you’re 35,000 feet up but, because we stayed in DC an extra hour, you guessed it, I missed my flight from San Francisco to Eugene.

I was calm, but ready to rage at the United official I spoke to, but she was so nice and so calming, telling me that the next flight to Eugene would be at 7:30 ... AM ... the next day! But they put me up in a hotel and gave me meal vouchers to use to get something to eat, gave me a seat upgrade and told me I would forever and ever be Pre-Approved at the TSA; yup, no more shoes off, or toiletries out, or removing rings and wallets and belts and such for me.

So it was kind of a win. Plus, since we left in the morning, and it was one of those rare San Francisco fog-free mornings, I had the most spectacularly views of my old stomping grounds ... The City. The wide swath of green that is Golden Gate Park, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Presidio, the Bay Bridge, Giant’s stadium ... if only I’d taken my phone or camera from my bag ...

We arrived safely in Eugene and then it was short drive to Toledo and my Dad’s house. He was ready for surgery, had everything planned and all my instructions and we chatted and joked and then went to sleep because we had to be at the hospital at 6:30 AM where we were told his surgery would be about 2-3 hours and an hour in recovery. That seemed short to me; I mean, cutting open the leg, snapping out the old knee, putting in the Belgian upgrade and attaching it and then closing everything up in two or three hours?

Nope; it was about eight hours and me, with my overactive imagination instantly began fearing the worst. At the three hour mark I checked the board in the waiting room—patients are assigned numbers and you can track their progress by their number on the board—and Dad was still in surgery. Four hours, still in surgery; six hours ... seven hours .... eight hours.

My Dad was dead and they were afraid to come tell me; yes, that’s where my mind went. Luckily, the man at the desk in the waiting room was a calming influence, or else that slap he gave me settled me down, but finally my Dad was out of surgery and in recovery and then into his room.

At a little after 5 PM I was able to go in and see him and he was woozy, of course, but awake and alert and seemingly fine. Then he threw up; luckily a nurse’s assistant was in the room with a handy barf bag and I was able to suppress my own urge to vomit ... I am a Sympathy Puker.

Dad seemed to get better and then he started vomiting again but this time I was in the room alone ...

Side story: years back I had moved into a new apartment ... I was probably twenty ... and had a Housewarming Party. One of my friends had too much to drink and was very clearly about to hurl. Someone said, “Bob, Stacie’s going to hurl, you better do something,” so I did. I took her to the front door and put her outside. I cannot be near the vomit.

... so I went to the nurse’s station and told them my Dad was getting sick again and they all looked at me like I was a loon and one said she’d be right in ... except she sat there. So, I went all Shirley MacLaine Term’s of Endearment Debra Winger is dying on their asses ... or at least a more subdued version ... and said, again, “My Dad’s throwing up, can someone please come help him.”

And they did, and he was fine, and he was doing very very well. That same night he was able to bend the New Knee and the next day he was able to take fifteen steps with it, using a walker; his doctor was very impressed, his physical therapist, too.

Still, he stayed in the hospital for  four days and was released on Saturday. He came home and his German Shepherd, Foxy, was thrilled to see him—she’d been giving me the Who-Are-You-Stink-Eye for four days—and that was my Dad’s best medicine.

He saw a physical therapist for a home visit on Monday and was again doing much better than people expected, and we planned out all his trips to the doctor’s and therapy and things he needed for the next couple of weeks.

My brother arrived Monday night to take over as Home Health Aide and the next day my twenty minute stay at my Dad’s was over and I was back in Eugene and ready to head home.

Eugene to San Francisco; short flight, row to myself, no airplane chatter. San Francesco to DC, long flight, row to myself, sleeping to avoid any airplane chatter. Then came Dulles ...

As I said yesterday, I got off the plane Wednesday morning and was hoping to see Madam President signs everywhere and instead saw President-elect_____. I was sickened ... see that post HERE.

I went up three escalators and down two, across a bridge and through a tunnel and onto a train and up three escalators and down four until I came to my gate where I could hear _____ speaking on TV. I fled to a cafe for some yogurt and granola and orange juice and then boarded my last flight ....

It was one of those tiny planes; the ones where a person over five-feet-eleven cannot stand up in the aisle, so being six-foot-two, I was a stoop-shouldered ogre headed to my seat in a full to the rafters flight. Narrow aisles, narrow seats, no leg room and then ... the pilot tells us the navigation system isn’t working so they shut off all the power to the plane for a few moments and see if they can reboot it; they did use an outside power source to keep the cabin lights on but it as a full plane, small plane, no air ... I had my very first, and hope, very last, panic attack. It was hot and crowed and there was no air and I couldn’t breathe and ____ was elected president; I was about ten seconds from getting out of my seat and running to the front of the plane and screaming to be let off and then the plane backed up ... oh, not to leave, mind you, but to see if maybe the navigational system issues could be fixed away from the gate .. so we sat on the tarmac with no air and me screaming on the inside until I heard my Dad’s voice saying Count it down.

So I counted  1...2...3...4...5...4...3...2...1.. and so on.

Seriously, that calmed me down because it kept my mind from racing toward the front of the cabin, throwing open the door and hurling myself out of the plane.

Then we moved back to the gate and were told to go inside and wait until, they could get another plane, which they did, and it was fine, though still small and crowded. But this one worked and we flew home, albeit it three hours later than scheduled.

Like I Seinfeld’d it at the beginning, it really was just a twenty minute trip out to Oregon and back, though the flights seemed to drag on for twelve days.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it ... thanks for listening.

Minute Rant: American Airlines Is F**ked Up

I hate airlines, for all their jacked-up pricing and ridiculous fees for just about everything, but American Airlines has sunk to a new low, possibly the lowest of lows.

Theresa Purcell, who suffers from a neurological disorder, uses a wheelchair to get about, and says the gate attendant for the San Diego commuter flight on American Airlines told her that it was too late to set up the wheelchair ramp for her so … Theresa got out of her wheelchair and crawled to her plane, and not one member of the airport team, or the airline, helped her.

"I crawled up onto the steps. I crawled into the plane. There was no other way for me to get on the plane so I crawled up to the plane. I was humiliated. It was embarrassing to have 50-something people watch you crawl into a plane."

Theresa has filed a lawsuit demanding $2.5 million from American and her attorney says if the case goes to court before it’s settled, she’ll ask for $6 million in damages. 

Oh, and American Airlines has basically admitted they’re guilty, and acknowledged the airline was in violation of the Air Carrier Access Act, a federal law that requires airlines to provide the necessary assistance for disabled passengers to allow them to enter and exit planes safely. American Airlines says:

"On behalf of US Airways and American Airlines, please accept our apologies for the difficulties Ms. Purcell experienced with her request for level entry boarding. It is imperative to provide essential care and to have a sensitive approach when assisting our passengers who have special needs.

We regret that a ramp was not requested so Ms. Purcell would be able to board the aircraft without going up the stairs, assistance should have been provided shortly thereafter. Based on what you've shared, it appears our employees didn't provide the attentive, courteous and professional service we expect as a company. I understand how the way you are treated can affect your impression of our" airline and sympathize with your displeasure.

After review of the facts, American Airlines admits they were in violation of CFR 14 Part 382 for not having provided level entry boarding as requested."

American Airlines has agreed to pay two million dollars in reparations, but I say that’s not enough. I say they pay the $6 million, and I say that Theresa Purcell flies First Class, for free, for the rest of her life, and is catered to like no one on earth has ever been catered to before.

This is disgusting. American Airlines needs to be sued and fined and publicly shamed for their behavior. Oh, and that gate attendant needs to be fired.

NCRM

Random Musings

This week Carlos and I attended the celebration of Mexican Independence — it’s September 15th, y’all, not Cinco de Mayo … that’s a whole other celebration — at CAM, the Contemporary Art Museum in Raleigh, North Carolina. The event was sponsored by the Mexican Consulate in Raleigh — Carlos has worked with them here in South Carolina so that’s how we came to be invited — and was hosted by the Consul General of Mexico in Raleigh, North Carolina, Javier Diaz de Leon, whom we both met.

It was a fun night … great mariachi music and great dancers, along with some fabulous food and killer margaritas … I do love me a good tequila drink, you know. But this is more a Carlos story so let’s go with that …

We’d never been to Raleigh, so I Google Mapped it, with directions to our hotel. As we entered downtown Raleigh, Carlos began reading the directions to the hotel and he said, Continue straight and turn left on West Ln.

I continued on, and on, and on, and right on out of the downtown area and never saw West Lane so we turned back and headed downtown again. I said to Carlos, Now, I’ll turn right on West Lane, right?

He agreed. We stopped at a traffic light and Carlos said, This is it!

I pushed him out of the car. We were looking for W. Lane Street, not West Lane. Oy. We really are Lucy and Ricky only this time he was Lucy!

Ken Ham, the head of the new Creation Museum, will lead a conference for a group that advocates for a new Christian America to be carved out of the southern states.

Yes, he wants the southern states to secede from the United States and form their own Christian nation where only Christians can become citizens.

I guess he forgot what happened the last time the South decided to pull away.

Asshat.

Comedian and actress and gay icon and all-around fabulousness that is Lily Tomlin will be one of 5 recipients of this year's Kennedy Center Honors, making her the very first out lesbian to receive the award.

 Lily, and fellow openly gay comedian Ellen DeGeneres, have both received another Kennedy Center award, the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, but this is a first for the Kennedy Center Honors.

Way to go Lily. And well deserved.

Speaking of fabulously gay and well-deserved, Neil Patrick Harris and his longtime partner David Burtka were married earlier this month in Italy.

NPH Tweeted:

“Guess what? @DavidBurtka and I got married over the weekend. In Italy. Yup, we put the ‘n’ and ‘d’ in ‘husband’.

They have been together for over ten years and have two children together, making for a very happy family wedding.

Eighty Utah state legislators have filed an amicus brief in which they warn the Supreme Court that upholding the Tenth Circuit's ruling on same-sex marriage will lead to the legalization of polygamous and incestuous marriages. 

Siddown. That’s an argument no one truly believes any more.

Thomas Guerra, a 29-year-old man who is accused of knowingly exposing an ex-boyfriend and potentially dozens of other men to HIV has been ordered by a judge to no longer use Internet dating sites.

Um, like that’ll stop him.

A criminal complaint against Guerra lists one alleged victim, and city attorney's say the investigation is continuing and more victims may be added. Guerra has pleaded not guilty to the misdemeanor charge, which carries a maximum sentence of six months in jail. However, his alleged victim is hopeful that additional text message records could prompt prosecutors to upgrade the case to a felony, punishable with up to eight years in prison.

I think that’s best.

Down there in Mississippi, Starkville mayor Parker Wiseman has announced that his city will begin offering domestic partner benefits for its LGBT city employees—a first for the state.

In Mississippi, y’all.

The measure was unanimously approved by the Starkville Board of Aldermen. Back in January, Starkville became the first city in Mississippi to officially recognize the dignity of its LGBT citizens.

The march goes on, in even the smallest of towns …

So, last year, a woman accused Cee Lo Green of drugging her with ecstasy and then raping her while she was barely conscious or completely unconscious; she remembers having a drink with him and then waking up naked in his bed.

First thing: ick.

But the DA did not believe there was enough evidence to bring sexual assault or rape charges against Green so those charges never happened. But last week Cee Lo pled “no contest” to the drug charge and agreed to perform 360 hours of community service and attend 52 AA meetings with a private therapist. He’s also on probation for three years.

And since he thinks he got off he decided to take to Twitter to talk about rape … uh huh … you know this won’t go well.  The tweets included these musings:

“Women who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!”

“If someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously! so WITH implies consent.”

“When someone brakes on a home there is broken glass"

"Where is your plausible proof anyone was raped?”

The shiz hit the fan and splattered all over Cee Lo’s fat, drugging women’s face and he deleted all the Tweets, though not before several news outlets screen-grabbed them for posterity. And then he issued this response:

 “I sincerely apologize for my comments being taken so far out of context. I only intended on a healthy exchange to help heal those who love me from the pain I had already caused from this. Please forgive me as it was your support that got me thru this to begin with. I’d never condone the harm of any women. Thank you.”

Sit down, Cee Lo. You’re a rapist who got off on a technicality, that’s who you are, and instead of trying to help those “who love you” to heal, why not try helping the woman you forced your fat ass on to heal.

Then, go away, for good.

The Family Foundation, an anti-gay Christian group, has begun a planned 40-day ‘fast’ to oppose same-sex marriage in order to influence the US Supreme Court into rejecting same-sex marriage when it hears the first of a series of appeals cases in October.

However, they later quietly clarified that members don’t actually have to give up any food at all to take part in the ‘fast’ saying:

“We are asking the entire Body of Christ to join us for this feast – giving up physical food isn’t necessary – but feeding on the spiritual food provided is vital.”

So, the group that is opposed to what they call redefining marriage has decided to redefine what it means to fast?

Siddown. With Cee Lo.

Carlos and I started watching Outlander on Starz last weekend. I thought it was some kind of sci-fi time traveling thing, but it turned out to be some kind of love story time traveling thing.

But it’s beautiful to watch, and reminds me a great deal of something you’d see on Masterpiece Theater, or the BBC, but with nekkid people … though not the Cloud kinda nekkid.

And two men who’ve appeared shirtless, and pants-less even, are Tobias Menzies and Sam Heughan. With accents, too, and y’all know how much I loves me a man with an accent!

Why all the fuss over people reclining their seats on airlines? Three times in the last two weeks airlines have been diverted and forced to land because some got their knees knocked.

Seriously? I have a plan to stop this foolishness: charge those unruly dumbasses for the fees and fuel it costs to reroute an airplane to a different airport, and then allow every single other passenger on the plane to file a lawsuit to have their flight paid for by the asshats who don’t like to be crowded.

Maybe then this nonsense will stop.

The Funny Papers

The Funny Papers